Original subtitles

(BLEATING)

(GASPS)

Get out! Get out!

Gerry! Out!

- Morning, Roger! - LOUISA: Gerry!

- Dirty beast! - (BLEATING)

(BELL TOLLING)

- LOUISA: Breakfast! - LARRY: Good! I'm starving.

I'm repulsive.

Can we get some mosquito nets?

- Please! - We can't afford mosquito nets.

Er, please don't tell me that's breakfast.

That's breakfast.

For the last time, we are poor.

My widow's pension is for me, not for five of us.

Is that it?

Er, no, no, Harrods are sending over some kedgeree and some crusty pies.

- GERRY: There's crusty pies? - (LOUISA SIGHS)

Mine. Let it go.

GERRY: No. I'm growing.

(GRUNTING)

Right.

There's gonna be some changes around here.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

LOUISA: This is probably how Harrods started,

with a lot of hope and a donkey.

It's the ancient ritual of going to market to sell one's wares.

Now this is going to change everything!

Can we talk about Leslie's moustache?

- When in Greece... - Well, Roger and I have our doubts.

(MIMICKING LESLIE)

I'm sure you'd like it if it was on a bloody walrus, wouldn't you?

- Exactly. - Stop it, boys!

Shh, shh.

(BIRDS CHIRPING DISTANTLY)

(CHIRPING GROWS LOUDER)

Gerry!

(CHIRPING)

(CLAMOURING)

Kalispera. Uh...

Kalispera. Psari? Elies?

Ochi, efharisto. (SPEAKING GREEK)

- You have no idea what I said. - No, I don't.

I'll stick to English then.

Er, would it be fair to say it's not going well?

I'm learning my trade.

I own an olive press, if you'd like to turn those into oil.

No, thank you.

Well, they won't sell.

See, you can't roll over on this island

without crushing an olive and, er, yours are a bit grim.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being rude.

Hugh Jarvis.

Louisa Durrell.

Are you on your own?

- I released my two staff for the day. - HUGH: Uh.

Do tell me about yourself.

- I'm actually rather busy. - HUGH: Oh.

(GOATS BLEATING)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Forgive my enthusiasm, I'm overexcited at finding a fellow Briton. (CHUCKLES)

Well, thank you, but I'm still more excited at being among foreigners

rather than back in Bournemouth.

If you tell me you're happily married, I will walk away, with my head held low.

Unhappily married?

- Widowed. - Ah!

I'll, er, have the fish please.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

Argh!

- How was the market? - Bad.

Stinking hot.

- Have you got another beer? - No, this is the last.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

GERRY: Tracks, Roger.

Haven't seen this kind before.

Wow.

(BIRD SCREECHING)

Kalispera.

I've been wondering how you are.

Heretai.

How excellent to see you again.

And how excellent to see you.

- Your English is better. - Yes.

I am "finding my feet".

Look, like Jesus!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GOATS BLEATING)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Who are you? - Vasilia.

How did you get in?

I am your landlady.

Ah, no, no, we have Mr Prifona.

My uncle. Retired.

It is me, now.

You have not paid rent.

No. No, and I apologise for that.

- It's been terribly difficult. - You English treat us like your slaves.

No, we don't. Honestly.

I... I've been at the market today selling, well, trying to sell just to...

VASILIA: Athiasai prota tin trapezaria.

- LOUISA: What are you doing? - VASILIA: I return these when you pay.

But we've loved this house. We've looked after it.

Please, please, stop.

I will stop when you pay, or leave Corfu.

Leave is best. Do that.

What will we sit on?

- Parta kai afta etho kai figamai. - MAN: Malista.

Shave off those stupid moustaches,

you look about as Greek as Cheltenham.

You'll never guess what I've found.

Oh.

Otter excreta!

Good. I think we were running out.

LOUISA: Larry.

Where's the furniture?

It was seized by our mad new landlady.

If I were here, I'd have driven her away with a shotgun.

- Oh. Bloody guns. - Oh, stop him speaking.

(MIMICS)

Horrid though she is, we owe her.

We urgently need money.

Come on, everyone, ideas.

We form a family music band and go on tour.

Having learnt to play instruments.

LARRY: I wouldn't normally say this,

but you two girls need to marry well, quickly.

I may once have agreed with you, but now I find that offensive.

Well done, Margo.

Unless he's really gorgeous.

Let's kill Aunt Hermione for the inheritance.

All right, I'll hold her down.

Oh, my God, you're not joking.

LOUISA: Right, thank you, everyone, for your superb ideas.

Today, at the market,

a provocative English man made fun of our produce.

And he was quite right.

Let's do it properly.

Let's sell our vegetables, and, and grow more,

let's make goat's cheese and, and honey,

and let's cook proper English food that nobody here's ever heard of.

Or we all could sit on the floor and wait to be evicted

and then go and live in a tent.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

MAN: This is the police. Open up!

- (DOOR OPENING) - LARRY: That was quick!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

ALL: Spiros! Spiros!

We've missed you so much!

Guys, the fluffy has to go.

- It was just a bit of... - BOTH: Fun.

Mrs Durrells, more lovely than ever.

I could say the same to you.

Come on, everyone, work to do!

Very good, Gerry.

(BLEATING)

- What you make? - Roly-poly.

- Poly-roly. - No, roly-poly.

Poly-roly!

Foolish name, foolish food.

THEO: The Apidae family is industrious,

of course, busy as a bee, but also noble.

If you say so, Theo.

(BUZZING)

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

It's inside!

(GRUNTING AND GROANING)

- Tea, anyone? - Ooh, yes, please.

- Yes, please. - (LESLIE SCREAMING)

LESLIE: I'm switching to milking.

- Bees are total bastards. - Leslie!

Who'd have thought goats give milk?

It was so sweet of Sven, wasn't it, to give us the goats?

It's odd to think you might've been married now,

if you hadn't been fond of each other, but...

- ALL: "Not in the right way." - Yes, thank you.

I've got to get back to my writing.

My novel's published in the next few weeks.

- I should've finished the next one. - Oh, don't write another one.

I don't mind you writing, I just can't stand all the...

(YELLS)

And if you must do it, write about

something people will enjoy, you know, like a war.

He will write what his art brings forth.

But do write a bestseller, darling, for God sake, any old rubbish will do.

Mmm. It is tempting.

I've invested too much time on those grapevines for us to be evicted.

Oh, we won't be evicted.

Cos I have a secret weapon.

More otter poo, but bigger.

Scotch eggs.

(GOATS BLEATING)

- Hello. - LOUISA: Hello, Sven.

We wanted to thank you for the goats by... By giving you this.

Spotted dick.

Oh, thank you.

How are things?

Work goes on.

Crops grow. Goats escape.

And I forget more Swedish.

Have a slab of Toad in the Hole. Always cheers me up.

- Are you making these names up? - No.

- Right, well... - How's the family?

Ah, well, Gerry's looking for otters.

Larry's got writer's block,

so he's decided to write in different places.

Ah, Margo is on an errand and she has a mystery boyfriend.

Ah, and I've spent our emergency savings on the ingredients for this food.

So it had better sell.

Off we go. Come on.

Come on, come on.

GERRY: Another fact about otters, which I got from Theo's book,

is that they make water slides and live in quite complex communities.

So they're a bit like...

Us.

Sorry, Roger, I'm boring you.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(WATER SPLASHES)

(CHIRPING CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES)

(ROGER BARKING)

Oh!

Roger!

- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - (KEYS TAPPING LOUDLY)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

Kalimera.

Good morning.

Buon giorno. (GREETS IN ALBANIAN)

Morning.

- What's miremjy... Boobly? - (CHUCKLES)

That's Albanian. Albania's just over there.

Yeah, I know, I'm not an idiot.

- You must be a Durrell. - Yes, I am.

I've asked around about your family.

My mother said you'd press these olives for us.

For nothing. Please.

As you've already got the big grindy machine set up anyway.

HUGH: I was looking forward to seeing your mother.

- Where, where is she? - At the market.

We're selling a new range of produce.

- You'd better hurry if you want some. - Mmm.

Come and buy.

These.

From us.

(WHISTLING)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(KEYS TAPPING LOUDLY)

(SHOUTING) Why can't I think of anything interesting!

Argh!

(SPEAKING GREEK)

GERRY: Theo!

- I finally saw an otter! - How exciting.

- Out, by the river. - I'll get my hat.

Oh, thank you. Where's Roger?

I dropped him at home because he frightened away the otter.

Oh, yes, that is 'otterly' unacceptable.

Must you?

(BELL TOLLING)

- Hello, Pavlos. - Margo.

The sun shines upon you.

I love the way you speak. You talk about beauty and love.

What else is there?

Well, my family talk about money and violence and, and animal droppings.

Would you come to supper?

- English food! - Ochi, efharisto.

It's actually improved a lot in recent years.

(SIGHS)

Oh, Spiro.

It's... It's just a disaster.

What are we doing wrong?

Well, you're foreign, people think you don't need money,

your Greek's bad, and you have no idea how to sell.

Come on.

No, what... What are you doing?

I don't know, I just like doing that.

(SCOFFS)

Oh!

- Oh! - Yeah.

- No! Spiros... - Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Nice. Now. How to sell.

You need more passion.

For Greeks, it's like a game, but a serious one.

Always look like you're going into battle.

Leslie, you too.

Grrr... Buy!

- (HALF-HEARTEDLY) Buy. - Eh...

- LOUISA: Madam. - SPIROS: No, No, No, No, No, No.

You're better with a man.

- Oh! - Yes!

- What do I say? - It doesn't matter,

they speak bad English. If I may.

For the gentlemen.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

You don't know me, I'm Mrs Durrell,

erm, I've got some super things for sale over here.

There's sort of an English theme to the cooking and I...

No, no, you're probably right.

Be loud. Try flirting.

Make people feel bad if they don't buy.

Oh, oh, sorry.

(LOUD, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Here, Mrs Durrells. Location, very important.

Now. Why should I buy these?

Well, because they're the best!

And because I do have four mouths to feed.

- Yes, she does! - So what! I don't care!

All right, no need to shout!

- Steady on... - No, no,

I'm playing the part of the customer!

- Oh. I'm with you now. - Oh, I see.

- Costi! - Geia sou, Spiros.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

You must er... You...

(SPEAKING GREEK)

- Mmm! - Poli kala.

Nectar.

- (SPEAKING GREEK) - Bargain. Only, only three drachma.

Ne?

- Geia sas. - Efharisto poli.

Efharisto.

Na'sai kala. Na'sai kala.

Oh!

- Poli kala. - (CUSTOMER SPEAKING GREEK)

Enjoy!

- LOUISA: Geia sas. Poli kala! - Poli kala.

Is it me or is it getting 'otter'?

Oh, yes, no 'stoat' about it.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh!

(CHIRPING CONTINUES)

I'm so sorry, Gerry.

LESLIE: I left Mum at the market.

Turns out she could sell snow to Eskimos.

- No! - LESLIE: Yep.

She practically kidnapped one poor chap until he agreed to buy a sausage roll.

No, Leslie, no more shooting.

It's so peaceful.

This is how the peace is kept.

Have you ever thought how awful you'd feel if you actually shot someone?

Well, I won't, because all firearms come with a host of safety features.

- Take this air rifle. - Les, I'm not interested...

LESLIE: No, you asked.

Now see this here, that's the safety catch,

now that is always on until you wanna sh...

- (ROGER WHIMPERS) - (GASPS) What have you done?

That... That's not my fault! It's not supposed to happen!

Okay.

- Is he gonna be all right? - I don't know, I've never been

- at a dog shooting before! - (WHIMPERING)

(WHIMPERING)

Listen, Roger, listen, seriously.

- Gerry mustn't find out about this. - He'll be back soon.

What are you gonna do?

Face the consequences like a man.

(ROGER WHIMPERS)

Or not that, actually.

VASILIA: I will take this. LOUISA: Hey.

No, you won't.

You have our furniture.

I'll pay you when I'm ready.

I give you one week.

No money, no house.

I've shot Roger.

Oh!

- Erm, the thing is, Roger's a dog. - Yes.

And my husband's a doctor, not a vet.

Okay. What's the difference?

- I can't help thinking this is a dog... - Don't you start.

It's just a flesh wound.

Gerry mustn't find out about this,

so I need to leave him with you till he's better.

He likes his tummy being rubbed.

And Gerry generally reads to him.

(SIGHS)

LOUISA: Why do they set traps?

- Because the otters eat the fish. - Oh.

As Nietzsche said, "Man is the cruellest animal."

Really? I'm thinking woman.

Ah, has our venomous landlady struck again?

Yes. And ruined what was up till then a very encouraging day.

LARRY: She needs a talking to.

Your friend Hugh told me our oil is ready.

He's very much not my friend.

Well, he obviously wanted to see you, not me.

He has a nice big house.

No.

Why are you dressed so smartly?

I've invited a monk to supper.

- LARRY: Why? - MARGO: He's so sweet.

I think he'll make the perfect boyfriend.

What?

- Monks take a vow of celibacy, darling. - You've got to be joking.

But not that that's a problem at your age, anyway.

It is, actually.

I've moved on from skipping and writing in invisible ink, you know.

- A monk is coming here? - LARRY: Yes.

Po, po, po! I hide the naked pictures.

Has anyone seen Roger?

Oh, I think Leslie took him for a walk.

(GRUNTING)

(MEOWING)

So, to confirm, the toad is sausage, the hole is the yellow?

Yes.

And the spotted dick, the spots are the fruity,

the dick is the yellow?

Oh, yes. Yes, I suppose it is.

Pavlos, is there anything you don't like about being a monk?

PAVLOS: Yes.

Getting up in the dark to sing.

No, not that,

anything else?

Candle wax.

It gets everywhere.

She means not having a girlfriend.

God is my girlfriend.

I'm a writer.

Have you got any funny stories?

No.

Oh, Leslie, where's Roger?

I told them you took him for a walk.

Yes.

And I bumped into Florence and Dr Petrides.

Oh!

Who asked if they could borrow Roger,

as they don't have children.

- Hello. - PAVLOS: Hello.

- Efharisto. - Efharisto.

Geia sas.

Chronia...

Oh, "happy birthday". Well, never mind.

HUGH: Bravo.

I underestimated you.

Your olives were better than I thought.

- Thank you so much for pressing them. - My pleasure.

Come and pick the other bottles up later.

- Where? - My house.

- I'll mix you a drink. - Oh, well, that's very kind of you,

but it's really not necessary.

You have to say yes.

- Well, why? - It'll be fun.

You look like a woman who's been starved of fun recently.

And you're going to bring that back, are you?

Oh, yes.

Lugaretzia, I've made up my mind.

I have no real job, no boyfriend,

- and I'm just a drain on the family. - Yes, you are.

Mmm.

So I'm going to become a nun.

GERRY: Guess what, Leslie?

I've decided to breed otters.

- And what do you need for that? - Two otters.

Yes, I know, but...

Argh!

God, can anything else go wrong this week?

(GOATS BLEATING)

GERRY: Come on, Sally.

(DOG BARKING)

LARRY: My name is Lawrence Durrell

and I order you to stop harassing my family.

- Your mummy sent you. - No.

My novel will be published soon,

royalties will flood in and you will be paid.

Mmm.

- Why do you hate Mrs Durrell? - You are mummy's little boy.

No, I'm fiercely independent and have had sex

on many occasions.

I really have.

Good.

So now we know where we stand.

Small finger...

(DOG BARKING)

Hello. I've come to see Roger.

Oh. Erm, in fact, Gerry, he's sleeping.

Oh, that's fine.

You should get a dog of your own, you know, as you can't have children.

Yes, there are a number of good baby substitutes.

Listen, Gerry, there's been a bit of an accident.

- What happened? - It was just one of those things.

He was, well, he was shot.

Leslie did it, didn't he?

WOMAN: Ponai to stomachi mou.

Mipos se piraxai kati pou efages?

- Oh, really? - I was very firm.

I appealed to her as one firebrand to another.

You shot Roger.

What?

It was... It was kind of his fault.

- What's the matter with you? - He's a dumb animal!

He is not dumb!

I was talking about Leslie!

- Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- You think you're funny, do you? - Yes, actually...

Why is everyone shouting?

Oh, you found him.

(SIGHS)

I think Roger should be allowed to shoot Leslie.

Right, that's it! I'm going out.

When I get back, I want an apology!

What a pleasant surprise, Margo.

Oh, I've just acquired the brain of a sperm whale.

- Do you want to see it? - I very much don't, Theo.

Of course, you are not Gerry.

He loves looking at animal body parts.

What brings you here?

You know everything, Theo.

What's it like being a Greek nun?

Gosh. I have a book of nuns somewhere.

What has prompted this spiritual bombshell?

Well, this monk I know is so peaceful and calm.

I'd like to be that way.

- THEO: What is his name? - Pavlos.

I know him. Charming.

Uh-huh.

To answer your question,

I know that some orders enforce a rule of silence

and others pray for eight hours per day.

Oh, forget it, then.

On the other hand, these sisters look happy.

And these are playing football.

HUGH: This place was my Greek grandparents'.

It was a wreck. I've transformed it.

But enough about me, however fascinating.

(CHUCKLES)

It must be tough being the only parent.

Yes.

Though my son Larry says they brought me up.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Did you ever marry? - No.

(STAMMERS) I doubt you ever met anybody you love as much as yourself.

(CHUCKLES)

Cancel the canap�s, George, Mrs Durrell's leaving.

(CHUCKLES)

- Was that mean? - No. I deserve it.

Champagne?

Thank you.

# With the song in my heart

Oh... Oh you truly are the master of subtlety.

#At the start...

# But as soon as I hang to your grace

# When the music swells

# I'm holding your hand

# It tells that you're standing near #

Do you know a woman called Vasilia?

- Why do you ask? - Why do you not answer?

Yes, I... I know her.

She's acting as our landlady and she clearly hates me.

I just wondered if you had any idea why?

We used to be...

Pals.

Ah.

(SINGING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

And she'd like to be "pals" again?

Yes.

A bad idea, for many reasons.

If you believe the rumours,

she shoots, stabs or poisons first, asks questions later.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I should probably be getting home.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

What I'm saying is that my mother shouldn't be cooking British food.

- SPIROS: Even Mr Papadopoulos... - Louisa, I'm afraid there's a problem.

Mrs Durrells, you have poisoned Corfu.

(CLAMOURING)

I can't explain it.

The ingredients were fresh and I eat my food and I feel really well.

Mother is a very good cook, honest.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(CLAMOURING STOPS)

I will give you all your money back.

Or you can have replacement food.

Now, I've got some lovely...

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, no!

Poisonous.

So, the heat. That's why nobody else is selling eggs wrapped in meat.

Maybe sell something safer, like tins of food.

Just when I thought I'd solved our money problems.

They'll forget you poisoned them, eventually.

Well, we can't survive till "eventually".

Oh, and poor Sven, too.

I made him buy those Scotch eggs.

He only came to the market to buy a hammer.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

I know why Vasilia hates me and wants to drive us off the island.

Tell me. I'll sort it out.

No, Spiro, this is my battle.

She likes Hugh and she considers me a rival.

- Are you? - No!

It's absurd, but she thinks I'm in the way.

Is Vasilia really so dangerous?

Listen, I hear rumours all the time,

but the latest one is that she once poisoned a lover who jilted her.

I knew it!

It wasn't my cooking and the heat.

She waited until I was away from the stall and then she...

Son of a bitch poisoner.

I'd better go, more food poisoning.

And I have dog hairs to remove.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes, I'm, serious. I've put away childish things.

- Well, not all of them. - PAVLOS: Good.

- God loves children. - We'd hope so.

- In the beginning was the Word. - Beautiful.

And the Word was with God.

And the Word was God.

Oh, it's already getting complicated.

(OTTER CHIRPING)

Theo!

Theo!

(THEO GIGGLES)

(CHIRPING CONTINUES)

We need to be ready in case Vasilia comes and shoots us.

- A tad melodramatic perhaps? - No.

She's already poisoned our produce just to shift the blame onto us.

Leslie, Leslie, we need to have a gun ready.

- LESLIE: I'm still sulking! - I'll do it myself then.

We caught an otter!

The breeding programme starts here, where they are safe from predators.

Otters are so rare.

When was the last time you saw one?

Just now, there's one over there.

Look! (CHUCKLES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GOATS BLEATING)

Margo, I'm guessing you've been to see your monk friend.

MARGO: Yes, I feel so peaceful.

Right, everybody, this is a family gun practise.

- Why are you grinning? - Because I've been struggling

to be creative when it's all in front of me.

A hellcat poisons and threatens her love rival.

A dog is shot by a gun-crazed misfit

while his sister falls for a monk,

and monstrous weasels breed in the front garden.

- THEO: There he goes. - (GERRY CHUCKLES)

Obviously, I should just set my new novel here.

(CHUCKLES)

LESLIE: Gerry?

Chapter two, the misfit fashions a dog wheelchair out of driftwood.

(CHUCKLES)

Brilliant!

Thank you, Leslie.

Upon reflection, if you shoot the dog, it's beholden on you to make amends.

Leslie, Leslie, how does this one work?

Oh, no. No, I'm never touching guns again.

Violence is not the answer, mother.

LOUISA: Right, I'll do it myself.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

MARGO: Don't shoot anyone.

A nice way to greet your landlady.

Oh, I will defend, by whatever means, my family

and the house that we have loved and worked hard at.

Pay me or I come back with my men.

Here, this is what we owe you.

I look forward to the return of our furniture.

And whatever your reasons for hating me,

we love it here and we will survive and we will thrive.

We have a saying...

Kalitera me ton diavolo para me kakia ginaika.

ALL: What did she say? What does that mean?

"Better to live with the devil than with a woman who is angry."

And how dare you poison our food.

(SCOFFS) Why would I poison my own people?

Only stupid English make eggs in meat in this heat!

- Well... - (GUN FIRES)

- (ROGER WHIMPERS) - Oh.

- (SIGHS) - (BARKS)

(SIGHS)

- Oh! - (VASILIA LAUGHS)

(LOUISA SIGHS)

Who did you get that money from?

Who do you think?

(HUMMING "AMAZING GRACE")

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(MEN CONTINUE SPEAKING GREEK)

(BEES BUZZING)

GERRY: Good morning, bees.

Ah, Spiro, you will get your money back even if I have to rob a bank.

SPIROS: Don't do that.

In any case, I think in Greece, they're empty.

But, in the meantime, this is for you, and your family.

(CHUCKLES)

As in the parable of the Widow's Mite...

- Margo, darling, I'm quoting the Bible. - Well done.

"I have little, but I'm delighted to give it to you."

Ah, there's no meat in it.

Thank you, Mrs Durrells.

Can I say...

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Hello!

Lovely morning!

I'm Hugh.

- For you. - Oh!

Be careful, they have thorns.

(KEYS TAPPING LOUDLY)

(THEME SONG PLAYING)