Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Today, our contestants will compete for over 100,000 dollars

in cash and prizes on ''Wheelers and Dealers''.

And now here's our host...

...Steve Kelley!

Thank you, John. And thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

[ Gate opens and closes ]

STEVE: ...everybody's favorite game show

with lots of fun and fabulous prizes.

And the best prize of all,

...the sumptuous, the sultry, the scintillating, Susan Starr!

[ Audience clapping ]

MAN: Come on, bitch. Let's play the game.

[ Doll squeaks ]

Who is going to play the game today?

ANNOUNCER: Yes, Steve,

our first contestants are Pat Brown and Ron Reilly.

-STEVE: Welcome, contestants. -PAT: Thank you, Steve.

RON: Hi, Steve.

STEVE: John, tell us what's in store for our players today.

ANNOUNCER: Steve, today our grand prize is...

two luxurious weeks in...

- [ Doll squeaks ] -ANNOUNCER: ...Hawaii!

ANNOUNCER: That's right!

[ Tropical music playing on TV ]

ANNOUNCER: ...or just relaxing. Yours from...

ALL: ''Wheelers and Dealers''!

[ Audience cheering ]

STEVE: Suzy, are you ready to play the game?

[ Audience continues cheering ]

STEVE: Everyone at home, are you ready?

[ Audience continues cheering ]

STEVE: As you can see, our first puzzle of the day is a sentence.

Can we have this television turned off, please?

No.

STEVE: The movie ''White Heat'' starred James Cagney...

Leave it on.

STEVE: ...Kirk Douglas, or Humphrey Bogart?

All right, Ron.

-RON: Cagney. -STEVE: Right answer, Ron.

STEVE: Pick a letter.

RON: How about an ''S''?

STEVE: Yes, there is.

[ Audience cheering ]

-A ''B''. Just get a ''B''. - [ Audience cheering ]

-RON: How about an ''R''? -PRISONER: An ''R''.

PRISONER: There is no ''R''.

- [ Buzzer ] - STEVE: Oh, I'm sorry, Ron.

STEVE: There is no ''R''.

Would you like to finish your last meal, sir?

STEVE: What was the occupation of Jack the Ripper's five victims?

DISTORTED VOICE: Would you like to finish your last meal, sir?

[ Doll squeaks ]

[ Audience clapping ]

I said, would you like to finish your supper?

[ Continued clapping ]

STEVE: Yes, there is.

[ Continued clapping ]

Do you know what I'd like?

I'd like one of these motherfuckers...

...to get a ''B''!

[ Laughs ]

[ Prisoner laughing ]

STEVE: Okay, then, your chance to get lucky and win...

...clouds in the sky. Now, look up and what letters --

- [ Buzzer ] -ALL: Aww!

STEVE: Okay, it's time for our bonus question.

What's our bonus prize?

ANNOUNCER: If you'd like to be a contestant

or a member of our studio audience,

simply send a self-addressed, stamped postcard

to Wheelers and Dealers, Box 12, Hollywood, California, 90038.

And now, Steve, here are our next two contestants,

Sylvia Chance and Paul Dean.

-PAUL: I'm a marketing analyst from -- -Hiya, Steve! Good to be here.

I'm a poodle groomer from Hackensack, New Jersey.

ANNOUNCER: Steve, today our fabulous prize package

includes a genuine leather, swivel, rocker recliner,

featuring adjustable head and foot positions,

added ruffle velour arms, and magic massage with computer memory,

made from handcrafted Corinthian leather.

It's perfect for watching that big game or snoozing to the late show.

[ Audience clapping ]

STEVE: Do you feel lucky?

PAUL: Yeah, I'm ready to go.

[ Steve chuckles ] STEVE: Well, well...

PRIEST: ''The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Maketh me lie down in green pastures:

leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff.

Thou preparest a table before me in presence of mine enemies:

Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the...''

[ Straps being buckled ]

[ TV audience cheering ]

STEVE: All right, pick again.

Any last requests? A cigarette? Anything?

Turn that around.

-You mean the television? -STEVE: You bet...

Yeah, the television.

[ Sighs ]

Could we have the television turned around please?

This guy's on a roll, Sylvia. Think you can catch him?

[ Audience laughs ]

[ Gate opening ]

Now...

...a fuckin' ''B''!

-Baseball, beaver... -Bastard.

[ Laughing ]

PAUL: How about a ''T'', Steve?

Or barbecue.

[ Continues laughing ]

WARDEN: Ivan Moser...

...you've been sentenced to die in the electric chair

for the rape and murder of 23 men, women, and children.

Do you have any last statement?

24.

[ Moser laughing ]

Fry this sumbitch.

ANNOUNCER: Ready to hit the jackpot!

[ Audience cheers ]

PAT: I'd like to guess, Steve.

Is it, ''It's just you and me kid''?

- [ Buzzer ] -AUDIENCE: Aww!

STEVE: Are you ready to take a shot at that sentence?

[ Audience yelling ]

PAUL: Okay, Steve. Is it...

...''It's just you and me now''?

[ Generator whirring on ]

[ Paul laughing ]

PAUL: Okay! Aw, man.

Congratulations, Paul!

STEVE: ...hit the jackpot.

Paul, pull the lever.

Okay.

[ Electrical hum ]

STEVE: Okay. Come on.

Come on.

[ Electrical buzzing ]

PAUL: Yeah!

[ Laughing ]

STEVE: Ladies and gentlemen...

PAUL: Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

[ Electrical buzzing intensifies ]

STEVE: A trip to paradise!

[ Laughing ]

[ Alarm sounding ]

[ Alarm continues ]

MAN ON PA: All civilians, please, leave at once!

The prison is now in a lockdown condition.

All civilians, please, leave the prison at once!

[ People murmuring ]

''Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The sins of...''

[ Choking ]

[ Snapping ]

Agh...

Ain't a pretty picture, is it, bitch?

[ Birds chirping ]

WOMAN: David?

What?

David!

What, Susan?

What?!

This! These!

I mean, it's bad enough working at the damn prison

without you having to dig up all this stuff!

Are you having another one of your nightmares?

They're not my nightmares. They're your nightmares.

You're having... my nightmare?

Don't poke fun!

Come here.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Now.

It's just... It's just research for the execution scene

that I have got to write.

Okay?

It's a dream. It's a bad dream, and it'll go away.

I bet I know what you've been dreaming about.

I think we'd better do a little investigative reporting right now.

- [ Alarm ringing ] -RADIO DJ: But before we get to that,

let's check the traffic for ya.

Oh, shoot!

Why don't you write something funny?

Write a love story.

It's the '80s, Susan.

Love isn't funny!

[ Screaming ]

[ Continues screaming ]

Jesus Christ! Will you get off my ass?

DIRECTOR: Cut!

What do you think this is, the Olympics, huh?

Sharon, darling, can you, in all honesty, call that running?

Bobby, my smock was too tight.

Yesterday, it was too loose.

All right, once more, please! First positions!

Rewire?

Huh?

Are you ready?

Umm...

Yeah.

Okay, let's do it!

NEWSCASTER: And in Washington,

the White House flatly denies all allegations.

WOMAN: Uh, give me a short stack and a side of bacon.

Locally, the glamour and intrigue surrounding the arrival

of a movie production company has given way to rumor and suspicion.

WAITRESS: A couple of --

Hollywood's Greystone Productions is now filming

in the abandoned state penitentiary.

WAITRESS: Two sailors on a raft, Fingers.

NEWSCASTER: ...which was destroyed in the riot 18 months ago.

More coffee, sir?

NEWSCASTER: However, the film's screenwriter,

David Harris, claims his research for the movie's script

has uncovered the real reasons for the inmate revolt.

What caused the riot here was...

...brutality...

...inhuman conditions...

...corruption.

DAVID: What went on at this prison was abominable.

And I think the major ring leader of that is... is Warden Karsh.

And he's someone that's going to have to pay for what happened here.

NEWSCASTER: The riot was the worst in the nation's history,

resulting in the deaths of 13 guards and 37 inmates.

It began following the execution of serial killer, Ivan Moser.

Moser was convicted of the torture-slaying of 23 people,

including game show hostess Susan Starr.

[ Cab engine starts ]

Hey, bud! You going in there?

I got a delivery. You want to sign, please?

I've been waiting here a half an hour for someone to show.

Why didn't you just take it in yourself?

I wouldn't go into that place. That place ain't right.

-It ain't been right since the riot. -What about the, uh, delivery?

Harris.

Oh, my God. Malone!

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh...

Is it, uh, necrophilia when you do it with a dummy or somethin' else?

In your case, David, sex with a dummy would be called masturbation.

You're just...

Ooh! Nice butt!

You're just jealous, and you can just stay out here with your jealousy.

-You just stay...! -Ooh! Nice butt!

Hold this, will ya?

You know, you two look a lot like the Hamilton sisters.

The who?

You know,

Mary and Terry, the Siamese twins, joined at the hip since birth.

They spent, umm...

They spent two years over on death row.

Siamese twins spent two years on death row?

Yeah, it turns out, that, uh... Mary was the jealous type.

Found out that her boyfriend was having an affair with another woman

and slit his throat.

As she should have.

It's no joke, Malone. They gave her the death penalty.

So, what about Terry?

Was she innocent?

Umm, not exactly.

Turned out, she was the other woman.

Get out of here!

Kiss your dummy. There's your other woman.

Uh-huh.

What's the matter, Malone? You lost your sense of humor?

David, nothing's funny after three weeks in this place.

Eh! Come on! Come on!

A couple more stunts, and you're a free woman.

Other than the life sentence I'm serving with you.

[ Malone chuckles ]

2ND ASSISTANT CAMERA: Scene 96. Take 5.

Action!

[ Gasping ]

[ Guns click ]

Cut!

Rewire, you...

...you are just... testing my patience, aren't you?

No, no, no. I got it! I got it! I got it.

Umm.

I got one here.

And I got one...

...here.

[ Squib fires ]

Bobby!

MAN: I'm gonna get your ass.

[ Chuckles ]

DAVID: Hey, Russell.

Your girlfriend's here.

Say...

...that thing looks just like Ms. Fox.

This thing thinks just like... Ms. Fox.

-Does it have, uh...? -MALONE: Does it have a what?

You know, uh...

...tits and everything?

And everything.

KARSH: Russell! Come here, damn it!

-Oh, shit! -KARSH: Russell!

DAVID: Russ, you oughta get that gate fixed.

Whoa.

Easy jump, first up?

I'm not sure.

Call sheet?

Tanning salon, Tommy?

Just checking the toner.

Sure you were, Tommy.

It looks just like Fox.

[ Grunting ]

Russell saw her first.

Well...

So, does it have tits and everything?

I'll leave you gentlemen to your own investigation.

[ Crinkles paper ]

-See you on the set? -Mm-hmm.

Promise?

Yeah, promise.

Uh, this must be where the batteries go.

KARSH: Dammit, Russell! Let me in! I'm the goddamn warden!

Was the goddamn warden.

I heard that!

Listen, I could kick your ass, then. I can kick it now.

Final review board can change that. You understand?

I ain't got no quarrel with you.

The only thing you ain't got is any sense.

Jesus, I swore I'd never set foot in this place again.

-Well, where are they? -Who?

The movie people. Who'd ya think?

Well, where are they?

Up on D-Block. I cleaned it up.

A little.

-[ Doll squeaks ] -[ Malone gasps ]

Funny, you guys. Very funny.

Harris, I know you're behind this.

Harris?

[ Heavy breathing ]

DISTORTED VOICE: Harris?

[ Heavy breathing continues ]

FOX: No!

Asshole!

ROBERT: Cut!

You know, according to this,

we are doing scene number 94 from Death House Dolls.

I see no mention of the Marx Brothers or Larry, Moe, and Curly.

Yeah, you should have got some guys that could kick ass, not squish it.

It also says in here that I am the director, Ms. Fox!

-Yeah, but these guys -- -What is it about this scene?

The emotions too vague? The writing too complex?

Not enough four-letter words in it for her?

Oh, yeah?

Well, this ain't easy! You try letting these squibs paw all over you!

When was the last time you guys got laid?

When was the last time you didn't?

Prick!

Brilliant! We should be getting this on film.

Bobby!

Bobby, I got bruises!

My agent is gonna hear about this.

I'm supposed to be working with actors, not sexual offenders.

Oh, and you Harris. You pervert.

How do you dream up this stuff anyway?

You know, this wasn't a dream, Sharon.

You should take a look around.

- [ Pouring coffee ] - It was a nightmare.

1,400 inmates tried to burn this place to the ground.

1,400 animals.

Warden, I'd like you to meet our star...

Ms. Sharon Fox.

Ms. Fox, your last movie was one of my favorites.

-Oh... -Thank you, Warden.

This movie just doesn't seem like... like your style.

Well, it's not my style.

But then, uh, style doesn't always pay the bills, so I'm forced to do crap...

...like this.

Ah, but well-written crap, my dear.

Harris... crap is crap.

Mr. Harris...

I hear you've been asking questions about the riot.

HARRIS: Umm.

Yes, I have. A little background for the script.

Background?

You talkin' about a movie, boy. What happened out here was real.

What happened out here was never real clear.

-Harris! -KARSH: Clear?

Why, it was plain enough to those who lived through it.

-Just who did live through it, Warden? -Harris.

Special effects needs that dummy, now.

Let me tell you something, boy.

The state let you use my prison to make your little movie,

but the riot that took place out here is none of your business.

And I don't want anybody questioning my men about it, understand?

We understand, Warden.

Mr. Harris, do you understand?

[ Sighs ]

Yes, I understand.

I don't want to have to come back out here.

Better luck on your next picture, Ms. Fox.

Now listen to me, Geraldo.

We are here by permission of the state board,

one of whose members happens to be Warden Karsh.

Frankly, I could give a shit

if the famous riot was his fault or the Pope's.

We need these prison scenes, so stay out of his eyeline. Capiche?

Capiche.

And get the dummy down to Rewire.

[ Crew chatting ]

[ ''Kiss My Stinky White Ass'' by Boomer plays ]

Hey, is that you, Barry Manilow?

♪ Kiss my stinky white ass ♪

♪ Kiss my stinky white ass ♪

♪ Kiss... my stinky white... ♪

Hey, you got the doll!

Looks nice! It's got front and rear joystick ports.

[ Electric buzzing ] - So, how's...? Oh, shit!

Goddamnit!

Hey, live feed, man. 2,000 volts!

Do not touch!

Rewire, do you have any idea what 2,000 volts will do to you?

No, you got any pictures?

All right, just imagine, uh, hooking a parakeet up to your car generator.

I'd better turn it off.

Good idea.

[ Turns off power ]

REWIRE: Hey, I got something for ya.

I scraped it off the floor with a screwdriver.

I can't wait.

Belonged to the last guy that got fried here.

Rewire, this is Ivan Moser's boot!

Thought his ashes might be in there.

Hey, you know, if we could find the other one...

...we'd have a pair.

We might even find Ivan Moser.

I doubt it.

No, maybe he's like that guy in the Halloweens!

He keeps getting killed, but Bobby Ewing's wife keeps waking up!

So he doesn't know if he's dead or just dreamin'!

Maybe he's like that?

Umm...

Malone's just about to make her jump. I'd better get back.

Good talkin' to ya.

[ ''Kiss My Stinky White Ass'' continues playing ]

Forgot your boot!

[ Water dripping ]

[ Heavy breathing ]

[ Humming ]

[ Heavy breathing continues ]

Whatcha doin', boy?

Boy?

Hey!

Jesus Christ, get away!

[ Yelling ]

KARSH: Get away!

Hey!

[ Yelling continues ]

Help!

Not me! No!

Help! Help!

[ Screaming ]

Okay.

We'll use an 18 on this and shoot it at 48 frames.

Fine.

[ Crew catcalling ]

Hush.

Yes, a star is cloned.

[ Chuckling ]

All right. All right. That looks fine.

10 bucks says you miss the bag.

Let's try to get this today, shall we?

Leave!

ROBERT: All right. Lamp!

She's gonna break away from the guards, run over to the rail,

jump off into the logging truck below.

You're gonna pan with her to the rail. Okay?

-CAMERAMAN: All the way. -How's it look?

It looks too easy!

Why don't we get Fox to come up here and do it?

All right. Let's make this.

FOX: Oh, I love the hair, Malone.

It's much better than your own, don't you think?

Now, all you need is some tits!

[ Sizzling ]

Okay, we'll do this!

I'll call action, and Malone steps in for Fox.

Sure you don't wanna jump?

Oh, I don't have to jump. I get paid to act.

Oh, that's what you call that?

ROBERT: All right! Roll it!

Jesus, not since Crawford and Davis in Baby Jane.

Who?

2ND ASSISTANT CAMERA: Scene 101. Take 1.

Action!

Just you and me now.

Freeze!

Action!

[ Crew lightly cheering ]

[ Crew clapping ]

[ Malone gasps ]

Oh!

[ Giggling ]

That was great! Okay!

Quick insert of hands on the rail,

and then everybody over at the chair in 10 minutes.

[ Crew murmuring ]

[ Malone laughing ]

-What a star! What a star! -Yeah!

That was great, Malone. That was great!

CREWMAN: Let's get ready for the next set up.

The power companies wouldn't let public juice be used to fry inmates.

So prisons have their own generators. Now, I tied the direct current...

...into the dummy.

But we can't control it, so...

the feed will surge or sag depending on the power available.

Thank you. And in English, what does that mean?

I don't know. We may get nothin' or totally fried.

FOX AND HARRIS : Fried?

FOX: No way, Bobby, we are not gonna kill her.

Oh, no chance!

The inline fuse will blow before anything happens to the doll.

Hey! You get your hands out of there!

All right. All right. Let's... Let's make this.

Roll, please!

Scene 131. Take 1.

Some people dream things and say, ''Why not?''

I dream things and say, ''Whoa, where am I?''

Quiet, please, we're rolling.

[ Electrical buzzing ]

This is great stuff. Did you write this?

[ Sizzling ]

Stop! She's dying!

[ Sizzling continues ]

Let's save it!

FOX: Bobby!

-Save it! -FOX: Bobby!

Bobby!

Turn it off!

FOX: Oh, Bobby, look at her!

[ Electricity surges ]

[ Fox screams ]

ROBERT: Turn it off!

FOX: Bobby!

What happened?

The tungsten element must have been bogus.

What happened to the power?

What I told you.

The chair caused a power surge and blew the main circuits.

You told me that?

[ Harris clears his throat ]

You guys seemed to be locked in.

Well, so are you, man.

The locking system automatically seals the prison

during a power failure.

Except it only works on two doors anymore.

This one and the main entrance.

So what are we gonna do now?

Somebody's gotta go down to the boiler room and reset the auxiliary.

I'll lead ya.

Okay.

Hello, do you hear me?

REWIRE: Okay, just take the elevator all the way down.

Isn't this thing electric?

Hmm.

-Uh, Rewire, isn't this thing electric? -[ Elevator turns on ]

REWIRE: It runs on emergency power, man.

Except for when the cable slips.

Maybe you guys should take the stairs.

[ Elevator hits bottom ]

[ Harris grunts ]

REWIRE: Okay. Welcome to the dungeon.

Just take a left, follow the railing.

What are these lights?

Highway flashes. They used to make 'em.

David, why are they still on?

Rewire, these flashes are still on down here.

REWIRE: Yeah, it's like being inside a pinball machine.

Yeah, why are they on?

REWIRE: Russell must be afraid of the dark.

I thought they made license plates in prisons.

You've been watching too much TV, Malone. Watch your step.

REWIRE: Okay, dudes.

Wait, yeah. Come back?

REWIRE: Look for the power access.

Uh, I don't see anything that even remotely resembles that.

REWIRE: You must be lost, keep looking for the big storage banks.

That's the...

[ Metal clanking sound ]

Who's there?

Russell?

Russell?

Rewire, there's somebody else down here.

Bobby! It's late! We're missing Dynasty!

-Probably Malone... -I gotta pee.

...or a catwalk behind the storage tank.

Take it over to a little rusted ladder. Head down, and you're there.

Watch that drop off.

[ Whistles ]

Ladies first!

Children first!

Here, hold this.

Ow! Shit!

-Watch that thing. It's really sharp. -MALONE: Okay.

Whoa!

Harris?

David, what happened?

Oh, God!

David, what happened?

[ Water sloshing ]

David!

Oh, shit!

-[ Rat screeches ] -DAVID: Malone!

DAVID: There's rats down here! Hurry up!

David, are you okay?

Smells like a goddamn sewer in here!

It is a goddamn sewer.

[ Chuckles ]

How ya doin', boy?

Come on. Let's get him out of there.

You mean, there's shit down here?

[ Rats squeak ]

Hurry up!

DAVID: Get me out of this place!

[ Rat squeaks ]

Gah!

[ Water sloshing ]

[ Rats squeak ]

All right.

What the hell is this place?

That...

...is Moser's hole.

Solitary confinement.

Warden Karsh had it built special... for Ivan.

Uh, Ivan Moser. [ Generator revving up ]

What do you mean, Karsh built it for Moser?

Don't hit that cable. It's live.

That'll warm you up real good.

The warden's got a little explaining to do.

You son of a bitch. You had it comin'!

You're an asshole since the day you were born.

I hope them rats eat your eyeballs, you filthy bastard.

[ ''Never Say You'll Never Fall in Love'' by the Hilton Sisters plays ]

[ TV volume increases ]

[ TV becomes faint again ]

♪ Say they don't fall for the hardest of all ♪

♪ -They'll never, never - No, never, never ♪

♪ -Never, never -No, never, never ♪

♪ Never say you'll never fall in love ♪

I don't know, but something just tells me

Karsh is at the bottom of all this.

And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna fry his ass!

Malone?

Hey, are you listening to me?

Huh?

Be quiet, David.

FOX: No!

WOMAN: Let her go!

-I'm innocent! -WOMAN 2: Don't you hurt her!

I'm innocent!

-FOX: Stop! -Cut!

Listen, ladies.

There is no Miss Congeniality Award here.

This is a prison film, and you are alleged actresses.

But...

...pretend...

...pretend that you've just broken a nail or that, uh....

that Playboy just discovered some porno films from earlier in your career.

But, like, give it... something, okay?

Oh, God.

Okay. Once more please!

Hmm.

No.

Yes.

What are you doin'?

I'm trying to get this stunt to work.

MALONE: These handcuffs are supposed to come apart.

Eh! Come on, Malone! You don't want to be a stunt woman.

Marry me. Leave all that behind ya.

Come on. I could... I could do it, right here.

Right here, Malone. Right now.

For eternity.

Give me your hand.

Does that mean ''yes''?

We could live together first.

We already do live together.

Come on, I was just thinking about something more...

...more permanent. Something for life.

You got it!

Wait a min... Not this permanent!

Malone!

Come on.

Malone!

So, where are the extra prison guards?

The agency won't send anyone else over until we've paid.

Those rat-hearted bastards!

I got you a real prison guard.

-What's his name? -Russell.

Russell!

-ROBERT: He's perfect. -TOMMY: He hasn't acted before.

Christ, there's nothing to acting, it's just following directions.

Isn't that right?

Officer? Can I help ya?

Well...

Look who we got here.

New career, Russell?

Uh, the film...

Have you seen Warden Karsh out here today?

Today? No, not today.

He was here yesterday.

Well, that's odd.

Because I saw his convertible parked out back.

Warden's car? You sure?

Maybe he came back this morning.

I bet, I know, where we can find him.

Come on.

ROBERT: Lift you chin. Up! Up!

Up! Stop!

Okay, let's make this.

Hold on a second. I need a sound level.

Say something.

Will you hurry the fuck up, and where the hell is what's his name?

I need him in the next shot!

[ Rewinding tape ]

ROBERT: ...hurry the fuck up, and where the hell is what's his name?

-I need him in the next shot! -Malone? Get Russell for me, please.

Okay.

Russell, where the hell are we going?

He's down here.

We'll be there in, you know... just a minute.

Trust me.

MALONE: Russell?

Russell!

Harris!

I knew it!

I knew you were responsible for this.

Responsible for what?

Responsible for what?

Forget it.

Malone, what are talkin' about?

MALONE: I'm really tired of this, David.

RUSSELL: I...

I know he's got to be around here somewhere, Officer Callahan.

And... I seen him, you know, just a few minutes ago.

Scene 99. Take 5.

ROBERT: Action!

No! No!

I'm innocent!

[ Screaming ]

No!

Stop!

I didn't do it!

I didn't do it!

-FOX: I didn't do it! -Cut!

No!

[ Screaming ]

Cecil B. De fuckin' Mille! Cut!

Could you hang on a second, Officer Callahan?

I gotta pee-pee.

[ Gates distantly opening and closing ]

Come on, Russell! Hurry Up!

[ Grunting ]

[ Officer groaning ]

[ Screams ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Moser grunts ]

[ Russell continues chuckling ]

[ Engine revving ]

[ Jackhammer noise ]

[ Moser laughing ]

OFFICER: Please!

[ Officer screaming ]

[ Moser maniacally laughing ]

[ Russell laughing ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

And... action!

[ Fox screams poorly ]

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Electrical buzzing ]

[ Fox gasping ]

Cut!

[ Gasping ]

I... loved it! Sharon, it was fantastic!

What the fuck was that? You son of a bitch!

Darling, you should be thanking me. That was an Oscar-winning death.

Let me out of here! Goddammit!

Calm down.

You told me this fuckin' thing wasn't even hooked up.

-You lyin' shit! -Listen.

We had the chair already wired for the dummies.

I let them shock me first.

It was just a little shock. I knew it wouldn't hurt.

But we had to... we had to surprise you for the effect.

Oh, yeah! Well, I have a better surprise for you!

I quit!

And you can take Oscar... and shove him up your ass!

You're all in on this, weren't ya?

And you think it's real funny, don't ya?

The Warden's gonna hear about this, and you're out of here!

I hate you!

All right, that's lunch.

Everybody back in an hour. We'll do the shower scene.

Great! We'll have lunch at 8:30 at night.

Whatever happened to the glamour and the bright lights?

-Crowds. -The limousines.

Don't ever change. Don't let them change you, Malone.

[ Engine stalling ]

Come on. Come on, baby.

[ Chuckling ]

Do, uh, do you need a ride?

-Yes! -No!

[ Engine continues stalling ]

Yes!

[ Chuckling ]

That's what you get for buying a German sports car!

In the back.

[ Huffs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Heavy breathing ]

[ Heavy breathing continues ]

Okay, Alex and Rod.

You've got Kevin, you've got Bob,

you've got Gilligan, we've got five guys in one week.

-One week. -This woman is incredible.

Wait.

-Go, go, go. -Ladies first.

There was a time that they all wanted me!

And not just in that way.

Producers.

Big time producers calling up and asking for Ms. Fox.

[ Sighs ]

Now the only... ones that call... are like Bobby.

Who's gonna cash in on what's left of me?

[ Glass breaks ]

What have they...?

[ Sniffling ]

What have they done to me?

[ Crying ]

Bobby!

[ Sizzling ]

Are you Sharon Fox goin' in town doin' a movie?

-Yeah. -Nope.

She's a little shy.

Aw, come on, honey! Sign this for me!

WAITRESS: Now, tell me what movies have I seen you in?

Well, you've probably know her best for ''Killer Cabbie'' and...

''Motorcycle Sluts Go Logging.''

Oh, and that all-time classic, ''The 30-foot Bride of Satan''.

Satan?

Look here, Fingers. We got us a movie star.

You know, OI' Fingers is a bit of a celebrity himself.

And why's that?

Mm-hmm. He threw the switch that fried Ivan Moser

and started the whole damn riot.

You know, these people been

in the old prison goin' on three weeks, Fingers.

WAITRESS: Nothing's happened to them.

Yet.

Hey, Bobby!

Where are you guys?

[ Garage door motor ]

[ Scratching noise ]

No!

No, Mr. Redford, I'm afraid she's having dinner with Paul tonight.

[ Crying ]

I know she'll be very sorry... she missed you.

[ Elevator starting ]

Hello?

Hello?

You comin' with?

Umm, not right now.

See you later.

[ Bell rings ]

Uh, wait a minute, guys!

-Let's go! Hurry! -DAVID: I'm not covering this!

Shit!

FOX: Hello?

Hello?

Hello!

Who's there?

Who's there?

Is anybody there?

[ TV on in other room ]

Hello?

Hello?

[ Screams ]

[ Fox continues screaming ]

Oh, Russell! Oh!

Russell!

Russell! Russell!

What's a matter?

-There's something back there! -Back where?

Back there! There's a room back there!

Well, I wouldn't worry about that.

-Oh, God! -I tell you what.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Crying ]

Let's you and me have ourselves a little party.

What do ya say?

[ Screams ]

You've been waitin' to give it to me all week!

[ Screaming ]

[ Russell yells ]

[ Thud ]

[ Crying ]

Oh, God.

[ Choking ]

Yeah, I hear Malone's gonna do that shower sequence.

That true?

-[ Laughs ] -Ow!

MAN: Shower sequence... Let's do it!

[ Malone giggling ]

[ Water dripping ]

You think Fox really quit?

You kidding? This is the role she lives for! The wounded artist!

Right.

-Yeah, yeah. -I tried the hotel that you're in.

All of Fox's stuff is still in her room.

She hasn't checked out, but nobody's seen her.

Bitch, I'll kill her for this.

TOMMY: So, are we gonna scrap the shower scene?

Oh, yes, yes, we're gonna scratch the scene.

ROBERT: That's a great idea. Let's scratch the scene.

Let's scrap the scene.

Send the girls home! Send 'em home one by one in limousines.

Will you do that for me, please? No!

We're gonna do it without her!

The whole event of this scene is to show some skin!

Malone! Take your clothes off!

Oh, no! Not me.

Listen, Fox has disappeared on me.

We'll only photograph you from the back.

You mean, where my ass is?

Hey, this is the '80s, doll. Check the trades.

Nudity is required of everyone. Nicholson! Streep!

What would my mother say?

[ Sighs ]

Tell her you got triple scale for the whole day.

Fine, go down and get me the dummy!

-The dummy? -Not the dummy. Just the wig!

You know, back of the head shot.

[ Grunting ]

Okay.

Here! For company.

Thanks.

Why do you just stand there?

Get me six copies of the scene for the ladies. Hurry up!

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

So what... was the real reason for the prison riot? Huh?

DAVID: Was it, umm... the warden was taking kickbacks?

Brutality towards the inmates?

Prison conditions? Come on, Fingers! You were there! Tell me!

Scene 27. Take 1.

Okay, animate, girls!

Animate! Animate!

Animate!

ROBERT: Bring in. Spray in. Spray in. Spray in. Spray in.

Come on, ladies, loosen up!

Loosen up! Don't be shy, girls. We're all professionals here.

ROBERT: Come on. Come on. More steam!

ROBERT: More steam! Come on, keep the water going!

[ Heavy breathing ]

ROBERT: Brilliant! Brilliant! Yes! Yes!

Keep the boom up! Come on! You have your steam!

Okay, ladies. Ladies, come on, feel it now. Feel it.

Go with it. Go with it. That's great. That's great.

-ROBERT: Animate girls! Animate! - [ Heavy breathing continues ]

ROBERT: Brilliant! Brilliant! Yes! Yes!

[ Women groaning ]

Okay. Hold it!

Girls! Up against the wall!

Makeup, please. Loosen down.

Okay. Move in.

Come on, come on, we haven't got all day.

Hurry up! Hurry up! These girls are getting cold!

Come on, don't make a federal case. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Okay, come on back in, girls. And one!

Two! Three! Action!

[ Women shouting ]

Yes! Again!

[ Heavy breathing ]

[ Women shouting ]

WOMAN: Don't be scared!

[ Distorted laughter ]

All right, so what I don't get...

...is how two guys that are listed as dead,

wind up robbing a 7-Eleven store, 16 months later in Arizona.

Huh? How does that figure?

[ Women shouting ]

ROBERT: Animate, girls! Animate! Animate!

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

[ Women continue shouting ]

ROBERT: Watch the... watch the camera.

[ Women shouting ]

[ Tape recorder straining ] [ Robert screaming ]

[ Women screaming ]

[ Moser breathing heavily ]

[ Women continue screaming ]

[ Malone gasping ]

Okay, Fingers. You win, all right? You win, I give up.

I'm a snot-nosed kid. I don't know anything.

Why don't you just tell me what happened?

Because everybody around here, me included, think you're crazy.

Won't you let me tell your story?

FINGERS: You don't bullshit me.

I'm not shittin' you.

All right, the way that...

-The way I got it figured out. -You...

don't got anything figured.

[ Alarm sounding ]

Rewire? Come in, Rewire.

Hello, Rewire. Please come in.

[ Gasps ]

MALONE: Rewire!

Here I am.

MALONE: Rewire, where are you?

Down here, setting up the hanging stunt.

Where is everybody?

REWIRE: Everybody, who?

The crew. I can't find them, and the power has gone down.

Look, I'll get it set up.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

[ Pulls lever ]

MALONE: Rewire, I don't like this.

If this is another prank, I've had enough.

Okay, you got it. Come on up.

Rewire?

MOSER: Officer Callahan here.

There seems to be a problem in the boiler room.

[ Maniacal laughter ]

It ain't easy to kill Ivan Moser.

I tried.

I put my fingers on that lever like I always do, and I pulled down.

And he jumped back in his chair!

He was a rocket, and he was hissin', only he was strapped down.

So I gave him a little more juice 'cause I know he was still smilin'.

And I could smell his flesh under that hood.

And I know his eyes were popping out, but he was still smilin'.

So I kicked in a little more.

And the power died.

So what you're telling me is...

...is that Moser is still alive?

I'm tellin' you Ivan Moser is half-alive.

[ Gasping ]

MALONE: Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy!

[ Malone groans ]

[ Retching ]

[ Alarm sounding ]

No!

[ Huffs ] Okay, so what you're saying is we've got a, uh...

a 6-foot 4, 300 pound, maniac serial killer

with half his face burned off his head, walking around?

-DAVID: Fingers, where does he go? - Where does he go?

-DAVID: He can't go anywhere. - He can't go anywhere.

-So you're saying that Moser is ali... -I'm saying Moser's alive...

And he's living in the prison.

You don't believe me?

Ask Russell.

Why Russell?

Russell...

...is his daddy.

ROBERT: Help!

Somebody please help me! Help me!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help!

-ROBERT: Help! -What happened to you?

Come on. Come on.

-Get me out of here! -Where's the crew?

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here before the power comes on! I'll die.

-Hurry... Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! -Don't die!

-ROBERT: Do it! Do it! -MALONE: No!

ROBERT: Hurry up! Hurry up! Turn it off! Turn it off!

Come on! Come on! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

[ Robert screams ]

[ Alarm sounds ]

-What's goin' on here? -[ Malone gasps ]

[ Malone crying ]

We have to get out of here!

[ Sobbing ]

We have to get out of here.

Shh.

Don't we have to get out of here?

Why do you do nothing?

[ Screaming ]

Look what I've done for you.

No!

[ Screaming ]

Hey, lady, it's just me.

[ Maniacal laughter ]

[ Bell rings ]

-The old prison. -No way.

Shit!

Yo, how 'bout 20 ways?

Okay, get in!

DAVID: Just make it fast!

Come on!

[ Gasping ]

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

DAVID: Let's go! Let's go!

[ Malone hits the floor ]

-Wait for me, all right? -Sure thing.

MALONE: Help!

-MALONE: Help! -Anybody's in there?

No!

No!

No!

Malone!

Won't you move, shithead! Most men give up their seat for a lady.

Need more, bitch?

[ Sobbing ]

Mmm. Mmm.

[ Moser laughing ]

[ Whimpers ]

MOSER: You bitch!

[ Moser continues laughing ]

[ Moser groans ]

[ Metal clanking ]

[ Grunting ]

Malone!

MOSER: Malone?

You're not mad at me, are you, Malone?

Malone.

I want you.

Malone?

I just want to talk to you, Malone.

[ Laughing ]

Malone?

[ Laughing ]

Malone.

You bitch!

God! Come on.

-Fire, damn it! -Malone!

Why won't these fire?

Malone!

[ Moser groans ]

You bitch!

[ Moser grunts ]

[ Continues grunting ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

You son of a bitch!

[ Metal gate collapsing ]

Malone!

[ Chuckling ]

I wanna... be a movie star.

Bright lights...

You know?

I can write... I can write those... those scenes.

I can write scenes... you've never dreamed of!

[ Moser panting ]

[ Moser continues panting ]

Why?

Why not?

Malone!

-DAVID: Malone! -Why don't they leave us alone?

You know...

It's like the rats that crawl from the plumbing.

Big, beautiful rats...

[ Moser panting ]

You know, sometimes you see their tracks. And you know they just...

They're in your bed.

Susan!

-Don't... -DAVID: Hey!

I'm gonna bring you a present.

[ Malone gasping ]

[ Malone whimpering ]

Hey! Hey!

Wait a minute! Hey!

Shit!

Hey!

DAVID: Hey, officer!

Man, am I glad to see you.

How'd you get in here?

MOSER: Wasn't a problem.

[ Gasping ]

What happened to your uniform?

It's not a uniform.

It's a disguise.

A disguise from who?

Hey, a disguise from who?

[ Maniacal laughter ]

You.

Bastard!

[ Moser grunting ]

[ David groaning ]

[ David screaming ]

[ Moser growling ]

[ Metallic thud ]

MOSER: I want you to keep your fuckin' hands off of her!

[ Spits ]

Fuck, keep your hands off of her!

[ Spits ]

MOSER: Malone?

[ Electrical buzzing ]

I'm coming, Malone.

[ Groaning ]

[ Coughing ]

MOSER: Malone.

I'm all yours now.

[ Grunting ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Sizzling ]

[ Continues groaning ]

[ Malone sobbing ]

[ David gasping ]

MALONE: Harris!

Harris!

Harris!

David!

DAVID: Malone.

-Harris! -DAVID: Malone!

[ Water dripping ]

DAVID: Malone, I'm down here.

-David? -Yeah... I'm down here.

David, I'm coming down.

[ Sighs ]

[ Continues to sigh ]

Susan...

MALONE: Everything's gonna be okay.

We're safe now.

[ Coughs ]

Shit.

[ David groaning ]

[ Garage door opening ]

[ Engine stalls ]

[ Engine starts up ]

[ Loud thud ]

[ Moser growling ]

[ David screams ]

-DAVID: Go! -Get away!

Go!

[ Malone and David screaming ]

[ Tires screeching ]

No! No!

MALONE: David!

[ Gas leaking ]

DAVID: Malone!

Malone!

[ Moser groaning ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Motorcycle revving ]

[ Laughing ]

MOSER: Come on!

[ Continues to laugh ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Maniacal laughter ]

[ Continues to laugh maniacally ]

Malone.

[ Gasping ]

[ Moser laughing distantly ]

ANNOUNCER: If you'd like to be a contestant

or member of our studio audience,

simply send a self-addressed, stamped postcard

to Wheelers and Dealers, Box 12, Hollywood...

STEVE: Suzy, are you ready to play the game?

Is everybody ready to wheel and deal?

[ Gasping ]

Oh!

You playing hard to get, little Suzy?

[ Russell chuckles ]

Sonny boy plays kinda rough, don't he?

I know how to show a lady a good time!

A hot time!

[ Laughs ]

Come back here!

-I know you're going no place. -Let me go!

-Get over here, will ya? -Let me go!

-No! -Why, you little bitch!

Turn over!

[ Russell laughing ]

[ Malone screams ]

Aah!

[ Russell screaming ]

RUSSELL: I'm hurt! Ah! Come back!

I'm hurt! Ah! Drowned!

Drowned!

Help me!

Help!

Please! Please!

-RUSSELL: Help me! I'm drowning! -No!

[ Malone gagging ]

RUSSELL: You little bitch!

I'm gonna kick your head off!

[ Russell whimpers ]

[ Water dripping ]

[ Coughs ]

[ Gasps ]

Fuckin' bitch!

You don't want to hurt me, Malone.

This is what we've been waiting for.

It's just you and me now.

[ Moser laughing ]

No, it's just me.

[ Screaming ]

[ Malone sobbing ]

[ Fire crackling ]

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

[ Screaming ]

But I brought you a gift, Malone.

[ Malone continues screaming ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Heart monitor beating ]

[ Nurse indistinct on PA ]