Original subtitles

Dr. Schwiman was so right. Isn't this romantic?

This bike weighs as much as a dead cow.

Who designed these bikes, Hitler?

My God. They use these in the Tour de France?

Well, everything is old here. It's part of the charm.

Mine's broken, I think.

And I think it's going to rain.

Why do you have to be so pessimistic?

I'm not pessimistique.

I'm realistique.

Exact same thing for you.

Where are we? What arrondissement is this?

Why don't you ride next to me instead of behind me

because I may as well be riding alone.

Well, suit yourself.

I'm tired anyway.

Suit yourself.

Huh?

Okay?

Olè!

Is my husband here?

No, Madame. We were worrying about you.

No, no harm done. What about Jacques?

Ready and waiting!

Brace yourself, pal.

Look at that. Madame, I'm doubling my fee.

Security man out there didn't let me in.

Of course not. We have the Lord Mayor of London coming.

Really? Sexy!

Can I say hello?

Well, he's coming with his husband.

Too bad.

Today's mail, Madame.

And this came by messenger.

I want some chocolate milk.

And I'll have a double vodka on the rocks.

Steven!

How are you, silly monkeys?

Sean.

How are you, Maria?

Oh, Mr. Stevens, when did you get here?

Just this afternoon.

What's happening here? Is it someone's birthday or something?

Nothing like that. Just a small dinner for twelve.

Ohh.

Thank you.

Come on, Rose, you need to eat something.

No.

Please, Mr. Steven, tell her.

What are you doing, Rose, starving yourself like Mommy?

Skinny Mommy, yes!

Well, don't.

Nobody likes a human toothpick.

Going to find my dad.

Listen to your big brother and finish those potatoes, please.

Okay, try that.

Aren't you gonna miss it?

Of course I'm gonna miss it.

This was your grandfather's greatest acquisition.

He'd cut my balls off.

Why don't you sell something else?

You still don't get. I'm hanging by my fingernails here.

I need the money.

Anne's costing you that much?

Sell her jewels.

You're not funny.

Do you want me to lend you something?

Could you? 50,000.

Just for a few days, until the sale goes through?

- I'll call Mom. - Don't do that.

Don't give her the satisfaction. How is she anyway?

Getting older and heavier by the day.

Richer too.

Never leaves foggy London.

She voted Brexit.

Makes sense.

When you were born, she was nuts about Margaret Thatcher.

She said I had to vote for Reagan.

- Did you? - No.

We were in Athens.

Our last horrible year.

How's the writing going?

Yeah, my publisher's coming to Paris.

I've got nothing to show him.

He knows it.

So why is he coming?

When he writes off the Eurostar trip,

I'm one of his best assets.

C'est I'heure.

Go on, sir. Take one.

In my country, we call it mektoub: your future.

"Tonight you will meet someone special."

That's not very original.

No? And what if that someone special

is a mysterious, beautiful lady?

Zip me up.

I'd rather undress you.

Well, you had your chance.

Ten, eleven, twelve...

thirteen?

- Madre de Dios. - Exactly.

- Who did this? - I did.

Hello, Anne.

And welcome to Paris, Steven. Please make yourself at home.

Yes, and invite yourself to dinner.

No, no, Bob invited me.

He didn't say a word. Typical.

Well, I am not having thirteen at my table. It is bad luck.

And what's worse, it's me. Sorry about that, Anne,

but my father's really excited to see me.

Especially now, as it happens.

Oh, my God.

Get rid of those.

Anne, be proud of me!

How about I kill you?

Head down. Rotate for a single axis.

See, I remember every word.

Admit it. I'm a fast learner.

So is my father.

Add another place setting.

There's one more chair in the corner. And hurry.

You look beautiful, Anne!

This one is fine.

Hey, stop, all of you. Turn around. Look at me.

Oh, I need another woman.

Madame? No.

There's no other solution.

Madame, I am the maid.

Maids don't have dinner with the bosses.

Oh, nonsense. You're part of this family.

- I have terrible accent. - Your accent is charming.

But what will I say?

Well, it's not about talking. It's about sitting.

You know how to sit, don't you?

Now come. We have no time to argue.

Okay.

Okay, come on. Which? No, no, no.

Here. See if this one fits.

We are not the same size, Madame.

What about Mandy? Mandy can do this.

Maria, be serious. Mandy is a Filipino.

Nobody invites Filipinos to a dinner party.

Maybe Aung San Suu Kyi because she won a Nobel Peace Prize.

And she's from Burma. That's different.

Mandy speaks terrible English and terrible French.

I'm not even sure she knows how to speak Filipino.

No, no. We'd be found out in a second.

Found out?

Yes, we're not gonna tell them you're the maid.

So what are we going to say, Madame?

Nothing! Just act like a friend.

I think I'm going to faint, Madame. I'm unable to lie.

No, it's okay. All women can lie.

It's all about smiling.

Like this?

And Josiane? What about Josiane?

She just started here. I don't know her.

Josiane is very funny, Madame.

She know how to make jokes. She even imitates Sarkozy.

She could be the perfect guest.

Josiane is at least a 12.

You're pear-shaped, but you're not fat.

Okay, so we'll go with the pants you have on.

It's not a good idea, Madame.

Yes, it is a good idea. Come on, Maria. Come on!

We'll look back on this and laugh one day.

It's gonna be like that time at the chalet

when Rose was two, and you dressed up like Santa.

Remember that? With the beard? Jacques!

Okay, now listen, make it not too big and not too showy.

Just make it quick.

What about her shoes?

What size are you?

I'm an eight, Madame.

Oh, my God! Just... hide them.

No rich woman wears an eight.

Louboutin doesn't even make an eight.

Stay.

Toby! Welcome to Paris.

Glad they didn't stop you at the border.

Well, as Lord Mayor, I'm issuing visas for London.

You say the word, Bob, I'll give you one.

London? Where is that anyhow?

Little England. Former empire.

I remember now!

- Rule, Britannia! - That's the one.

You must be Michael. Bob Fredericks.

Pleased to meet you.

Nice little place you have here.

Family pied-à-terre.

Small but cozy.

Hi, Toby.

Fabulous.

Hello, Michael.

My dears!

I'm sorry about the security detail.

It's Toby's favorite style statement.

Did you bring your food taster?

What if we're serving poison tonight?

No news, Bob, but calm down.

It's okay, it's okay.

Just give them another week. It'll be fine.

Antoine! Hélène!

Bonsoir.

So nice to see you again.

This place is so amazing.

Ah, Steven! I read your book.

- Really? - It's so very funny.

Your father's naked hole-in-one, Anne taking all the credit,

firing all the sexy girl caddies.

Nothing's changed. They're still Punch and Judy.

Congratulations on the reelection, by the way.

Keep going, and you'll be England's first family.

Well, don't you write about us.

Don't want the entire world knowing our every little secret.

Don't worry. I couldn't be more blocked

if I'd eaten a pound of cement.

- Put me somewhere nice. - I have. In the corner.

Look at that. Homemade.

Lovely.

The trick is to pretend you're carrying

a Chinese vase on your head.

- You walk tall and slow. - Steven!

And you shine, Maria.

You shine.

- This is not going to work. - Mais sìr.

You know, baby, it's cold outside,

so I think you're gonna need an extra layer.

Mr. Steven, it's summertime.

Exactly. It's party time.

Antoine, you still haven't told me how to deal with the press.

It's not every day a Caravaggio changes hands.

There's no rush, is there?

Of course not.

We both have to be satisfied with the results.

The X-ray team are asking for another 10,000 euros.

They're sending their best people over from New York.

Bob, let me split the fee with you.

Absolutely not. I wouldn't hear of it.

Just give me an invitation once it's on your wall.

I won't keep it at home.

It will have a pride of place at my museum.

Once we know it's real.

Maria?

What is this nonsense?

It's not going to work, Madame.

Your friends, the Bernards, they have been here before.

- They would have seen her. - They haven't seen her.

Nobody looks at a maid.

Now come on out here, Maria, right this minute.

They will recognize me, Madame.

Well, if they find your face familiar,

they'll just think they saw you at a fashion show.

Madame, you know it's a sin to lie.

You're not lying. You're not hurting anybody.

It's like a part in our own little play. It's fun.

It's like being in a movie, except you're changing your life

from ABC to HBO, you get it?

Not really.

I'll make it simple: avoid them.

You're at the far end of the table anyway.

What about Jacques?

He could make a perfect guest, Madame.

Yes! Steven, you have a dress I can wear?

No. Forget it, okay?

This is Bob's fault, and I want him to suffer.

Now, Maria, let me look at you.

Oh, my God. She's not even dressed.

Will you get her pulled together, please?

And listen to me.

Don't speak too much,

don't smile too much and don't eat too much.

Yes, Madame.

Don't drink too much either. Nobody likes that.

Trust me.

How do I rate amongst your students?

You're definitely not the most disciplined one.

You're the most studious. You're the most studious one.

- The most studious one. - Yes.

I wish I could think of something to say now in French,

but I'm baffled.

You're always baffled.

Anne! Not always.

You remember my French teacher.

Ah, yes, Melanie.

Fanny. I'm Fanny.

Oh, of course. How silly of me.

Don't worry about it. I'll answer to almost anything.

Don't speak too much.

Don't eat too much.

Don't smile too much.

Yes?

Are you out of your mind?

Who is that?

What's her name or who is she really?

What are you talking about?

She'll claim she's Maria Escalante,

but the truth is she's Maria Immaculata

of the Two Sicilies.

- You're not serious. - Countess of Asturias.

The House of Bourbon, second cousin of Juan Carlos.

She'll deny it.

And I never told you.

Are you a fan of Caravaggio?

I-I love the holy family.

Oh. Good for you.

I keep a portrait of the Baby Jesus by my bed.

Oh, by whom? I'm a big fan of the masters.

Let me guess.

- El Greco? - No.

- Goya. - No.

No, I've got it.

Dalì. I'm right, yes?

The artist doesn't matter so much.

It's the expression on the baby's face.

Yes. We mustn't take that for granted.

And the holy mother? How she loves him.

Madame, le diner est servi. The dinner is served.

So tonight's a...

a sort of a last supper, in a way.

This maybe the last time you see this painting.

I'm brokering its sale to Antoine Bernard.

Oh, monsieur Antoine.

He's a friend of the family.

Excellent.

Let me introduce myself.

I am David Morgan. I live in London.

I am Maria.

No second name?

No, not tonight. I'm a friend of Madame.

A friend of a friend.

HBO, not ABC.

Ah.

Oh, thank you.

Bon appétit.

Bon appétit, darling.

So being married to the mayor of London makes you what?

Everybody's asking.

Just another queen, I guess.

Wow. That's great. You should carry a purse.

And what do you do for a living?

- I'm a hairdresser. - Oh, great.

No, I'm joking. I used to be.

Then I thought I can't be gay and a hairdresser.

Too much of a cliché, so I changed everything.

Oh, and you became?

- A butcher. - Oh!

I'm joking.

He's a shrink.

He let you run for office?

I know. Malpractice.

I'll say.

So, France, Paris, why did you come here?

This house for one thing.

- And my grandfather was French. - Oh.

And to keep a woman,

at some point, you have to satisfy their neuroses.

Or satisfy her analyst in New York.

- She talks about him? - Well, not to everyone.

I think the good doctor Schwiman

could teach Michael a thing or two.

About billing, no question.

Did you rehearse?

Or do you always speak this fast?

Yes, and in such a brilliant and sarcastic way.

Years of training, my dear.

It's harder to lie when you speak fast.

I guess that's way my husband speaks so slowly.

Is the Eiffel Tower as a sexual symbol

supposed to save your marriage?

I will ask him.

Do you really think love can last?

I mean, you're so smart. Could you still be one of those?

You have to let go.

Well, flowers freeze and blossom again.

Don't be so cynical.

Oh, and what do you suggest?

Adultery, darling.

You're just taking the problem with you wherever you go.

Make a best friend of your husband

and have lunch with me tomorrow.

Oh, you're evil.

No, I'm French.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh!

Go, go. Let me help.

It's only water.

I like to pour water on myself

so women come and help me.

- Looks like fun. - It's genetic.

When a woman sees a stain, she must come and rub.

You're funny. I mean, for an American, obviously.

Wow. Every guy from Cambridge knows how to judge funny.

All the Englishmen I know think they're funny,

but they never laugh.

- Grrr! I hate 'em. - Yes, so do I.

What do you think, Maria?

I don't like English people.

But I do like Hugh Grant. You know Hugh Grant?

In Bridget Jones.

He's also the one dancing in Love, Actually.

Like this.

♪ I take you down I take you down ♪

♪ You're more, more, more ♪

♪ Jump ♪

♪ Jump in ♪

You know Hugh Grant?

The beautiful one.

He has also an affair with...

The prostitute!

Of course we all know who Hugh Grant is.

You look like him, like Hugh Grant.

We all look the same from the same part of the world.

Same face,

same blue eyes, same funny teeth.

That's beautiful. Very beautiful.

But I don't like the stupid films he's in though.

Always happy endings and kisses in the rain.

You should not despise people.

People love happy endings, you know?

They can't fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

People love that.

Well...

Would you ever consider running for Prime Minister?

I thought Supreme Leader. Would you ever run for president?

If you were my First Lady.

Are you in politics?

No. I'm a musician.

A classical pianist, to be precise.

Oh, great. How old are you?

Nine and a half.

- And you? - Thirty-two and a half.

Is that your father sitting next to you?

Oh, no. That's Fedor, the master.

Oh.

I hope you enjoy dinner.

I'm so glad you could come.

Does he speak English?

Oh, no. He never speaks.

Our kids, Frank and Robin.

Oh, they're beautiful.

Just like their mother.

Thank you.

You know, it is so hard to keep being sexy

when you're a single mom.

It's a constant battle.

I went to this great seminar

about fighting for yourself last month.

Justin Tender. Do you know him? It was in London.

Oh, my God. He is so spiritual. Amazing.

Anyway, he says that it all starts with food.

He also recommends that you drink less.

What, water?

Anne told me you were funny.

You know, she's been wanting us to meet for a long time.

Yes, she's a force of nature is Anne.

Talk to me. This woman's a nightmare.

How do you know she's not my friend?

Well, if that's the truth, I'm gonna fake a heart attack

and get dragged out of here by my ankles.

Say something to me. Talk to me. Tell me a joke or something.

She's all over me like a bad suit.

I don't know any joke.

Make something up.

You're putting a lot of pressure on me.

Where's that charming accent from?

I-I'm Spanish. I was born in Majorca.

Not Asturias?

I would have thought it was Asturias.

My ancestors were from Asturias.

See, I'm Celtic like you.

Where is your family from?

Well, my family is from a very lovely county called Downe.

My father owns most of it, you know.

He always wants me to get my art hobby out of my system

and come back and run the family estate.

You came here to escape your father.

Well, I came to London to be an artist,

but I would up being a consultant,

so I spend my life now flitting between hotels

in New York and Paris and London.

To be fair, I don't know where my real home is.

Probably because it's still in Din.

Din?

- Downe, Downe. - Dan.

- Din, Downe. - Din, Downe.

Maria? Sorry, David.

I'm stealing her for a minute.

Don't drink too much.

No, sir.

Madame told me what to do

and what not to do.

What's with this silly idea?

You must be dying here.

It's like me sitting in on a plumber's meeting.

I was supposed to sit close to Madame,

but I think somebody mixed up the place cards.

The scary fashion lady should be here.

Don't talk like a maid.

Just yes or no, entiendo?

Be... really...

impossible.

Unpleasant.

- Yes, sir. - Hey, Bob.

Maria's got some great jokes. I bet you didn't know that.

No, I didn't.

Yeah. She was just about to tell me one.

Madame Bernard, would you like to hear one of Maria's jokes?

Yes, of course.

Don't force her. She's embarrassed.

And very shy.

- I'm very unpleasant. - Oh, come on.

You're very funny. We're all friends here.

Who'd like to hear a joke? Come on, love.

Everyone's funny with a Spanish accent.

The only joke I know is very vulgar.

My Uncle Pedro used to tell it when he was drunk.

I don't think it's appropriate.

- Oh, no. Don't bother. - Don't force yourself.

Come on, live a little. Tell us a joke.

Okay. You want it, you have it.

A family's at the dinner table.

The son asks the father,

"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, my son,"

a woman goes through three phases.

In her twenties,

a woman's breasts are like melons,

round and firm.

In her thirties and forties, they are like pears,

still nice, but hanging a bit.

"In her fifties, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?"

"Yes, you see them,

and they make you cry."

Hilarious!

Wait, wait, I didn't finish yet

because I'm translating straight from Spanish in my head.

This woman's amazing. She's like Google Translator.

The daughter asks the mother,

"Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother answers, "Well, my dear,

a man goes through three phases too."

Love the voice of the wife. Keep going.

"In his twenties,"

his willy is like an oak tree,

mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties,

it's like a birch tree,

"flexible, but reliable."

- Maybe not. - "After 50..."

it's like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree, Mommy?"

"Yes. Dead from the root up,

and the balls are just for decoration."

- Fantastic. - Sure is.

That's a rude joke. It's not even funny.

I have one about chorizo. Do you want to hear it?

No, that will be fine. Thank you!

I think that's plenty.

Thank you, you're so...

She's so funny!

I can understand now why my dad is making progress in French.

I bet he took one look at you,

he said, "I want to learn French immediately."

No.

His wife forced him to learn la langue de Molière.

Thank you for this. It's become my instant favorite.

Oh, so you're the revenge.

I don't get it.

She used to be his golf teacher.

So what do I need to wear to look more Parisian?

Women are always asking me that.

Le chic Franáais, no one can buy that.

That's why I'm asking for your advice.

Oh, I love what you did with the new issue, by the way.

As my grandmother always said,

"Tell the truth. It's easier to remember."

You know, in therapy, I hear so many...

lies, contradictions.

But even your lies say something about you.

Yeah, I'm gonna marry you.

And what makes you think I would say yes?

Are all women mad about you?

The night is young.

Listen, sorry for ignoring you, buddy,

but this girl next to me is really sexy.

It's okay. I'm used to not talking.

You know, with Fedor.

Go and get her.

Cheers, buddy. High five.

I'm not insured for high fives.

Oh?

Are you allowed to touch boobs?

I guess so, but I've never had the opportunity.

I hope I'm not being too forward,

but I'd just like to say...

you look absolutely beautiful tonight.

Thank you.

How long have you been in Paris?

How long have you been sleeping with my dad?

Are you crazy?

I'm just his teacher.

Look at you. Your dad.

Makes you sound so childish.

You look like a child.

I'd really like to spank you.

Well, your dad warned me that you were rude,

alcoholic, and unemployed.

Yeah, but I also have some really bad points.

Did he tell you what those were?

You look very elegant too.

Well, I'm the best in my price range.

Fanny, you're going to be my new mother-in-law.

It's like you and your dad are the only two men on the planet.

Ah, I see.

Why would you want the egg when you've already got the goose?

I don't want the goose,

and I don't like the rotten egg, actually.

Um...

Dearest darling Daddy

and his...

ageless, gorgeous concubine...

Steven...

Sorry, sorry.

Stepmom Anne.

Thank you so much for inviting me tonight to this...

amazing place,

where generosity holds no bounds.

Actually, Dad, who's getting the tab?

Anyway, not important.

I digress.

I'd just like to make an announcement.

My engagement to this amazing,

beautiful, talented creature.

- What's your name again? - Fuck you.

Fuck you. That's an unusual name.

Don't be shy, honey.

Dona Maria! Your Highness, I would like your blessing.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Well, dear guests,

we have the great honor of sharing the table tonight

with a very young, talented prodigy,

Gilles Durand,

and his master Fedor Krachinsky.

Gilles is only nine years old and needs to get some sleep

because he's playing a very special concert

in Vienna tomorrow night.

So we will have dessert in the music room

after we hear some...

"Songs My Mother Taught Me."

Arranged by the master.

Well, there you have it.

Please.

- Clean this! - And she rub, rub, rub.

Did it for a long time!

Not true, Mandy!

We said hardly speak.

I made them laugh, Madame.

Yeah, even the scary fashion woman.

Madame, you heard that from the other side of the table?

Dinners are my job.

I can follow five conversations at the same time.

And do you know what your job is, Maria?

You don't even know how to recognize laughter.

You don't know if you're making people laugh

or if they're laughing at you.

I mean, can you tell the difference between

ha ha ha ha ha...

and ho ho ho ho ho?

So actually, you never really laugh.

You were supposed to play the part of the missing guest.

Silent. Forgettable.

If someone finds out about this, I will be embarrassed.

And so will they.

That they laughed at the maid's joke?

Don't you play the victim.

You know I'm a lifelong democrat.

It's about their mindset, not mine.

I'm so sorry, Madame.

I had too much to drink.

Wine is so delicious.

I've been drinking it like juice.

No. Haut-Brion '82 is an incredibly expensive juice.

We should go back before the music ends,

don't you think, Madame?

No, no, I think that's enough for tonight.

You just go to bed.

Won't they wonder what happened to me?

Let me take care of that. We'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you for everything, Maria.

You don't want me to help the others clean up?

Not tonight.

See you tomorrow, Madame.

Maria.

Yes, Madame?

You look beautiful with lipstick on.

Thank you, Madame.

Come on, come on.

A bit harder.

Come on, upsy-daisy.

- I'm coming. - Upsy-daisy.

God, you stink!

This is outrageous behavior.

- Okay, okay. - Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, look, look, hey.

- Thirteen at the table as... - Yes.

Because of Judas. Thirteen. That's...

That's why it's bad luck.

Where's Maria?

Gone to bed.

She was the belle of the ball.

I want him out of here.

He almost ruined the whole evening.

- But he didn't! - And Maria.

God, I was a nervous wreck. Did you see those shoes?

You know what?

Everyone loved her.

Don't ever do that to me again, okay?

You put me in a horrible position.

Hey! You improvised.

You pulled it off. Congratulations.

David Morgan was flat out flirting with her.

What's up with that?

Chill. Congratulations, I said.

Hey!

- Hello? - Hi, Steven.

- It's David Morgan. - Sorry. Bonjour.

Do you remember the beautiful lady named Maria?

I think.

You couldn't give me Maria's phone number, could you?

- Uh-huh. - I'm trying to chat with her.

Um...

If she's available for a bit of fun sometime.

Yeah, sure.

- Stay on the phone. - Okay.

I'll just get her number for you now.

Okay, hold on. Hang on.

Maria, jot down your phone number for me.

Jot it down quick.

I'll explain later.

Thank you.

Hello? Uh-huh.

Yeah, I have it here, yeah.

06, 89...

13, 91, 34.

Yeah.

Yeah, I will. I'll tell him you said thank you.

Okay, bye-bye.

Hey, Dad, guess what?

What?

Uh, uh, nothing.

I just had a bad dream, that's all.

What about your French lesson?

Tard aujourd'hui.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Ooh, oui, volontiers.

Stop it, okay?

I'm doing this for you, remember?

Oh, you're not learning French for me anymore.

That's plain enough.

Sean, give Maria back her phone.

"Let me be direct."

You are amazing.

Very cool, but red hot too.

May I see you again? Text yes or yes.

"David M."

What?

It's a wrong number, Madame. No one ever texts me.

It's David Morgan.

You're kidding. He's kidding.

"Excellent. I felt something the moment we met."

My God!

I knew it. This is because of you.

- And you! - The Oscar goes to Maria.

Here, somebody take this. I think I'm gonna throw up.

Good luck, Maria.

Maria.

This is not funny, Bob. Shut up.

Did something happen at the dinner? Something specific?

No, Madame. Nothing specific.

He didn't play footsie with you?

Footsie? What is that?

What? You know, like...

Oh, no, Madame.

Madre de Dios.

He didn't touch you somewhere or make you touch him?

- No, Madame. - Well, what is this all about?

What? It was something, I must say.

What thing?

I don't know. I felt something when he looked at me.

Yes, the Haut-Brion.

The thing you felt inside was drunk, Maria.

Nothing else.

Here, I'm gonna help you get rid of him.

What is this cell? Nokia?

You keep it for sentimental reasons?

I'm gonna get you a new iPhone

for putting up with David's insanity.

Yes, Madame.

"Be kind. Please do not insist." There.

I beat Rose.

Yeah, barely. I got an eight.

How great you are, my little stars.

You weren't even watching me. You were talking to Maria.

Look, I tagged you all over my Instagram.

How many likes did I get?

Go collect your clubs. Go on, now.

Oh!

"Meet me at the George V at nine."

Oh, my God, I am an idiot.

He's excited by your resistance.

He wants you in his bed.

But I thought the George V was a movie theater

on the Champs Élysées, Madame.

No, not in this context. It's a hotel.

The George V Hotel.

A hotel?

Steven, Steven! Stop fucking around, Steven!

- I'll turn you into a frog! - Oh, no!

Okay, I'll turn you into a princess,

but only until midnight.

Then poof!

Abracadabra!

I don't trust her.

I think we should tell David the truth.

Don't. Not yet anyway.

What do you mean, not yet?

Wait till he's verified the painting.

I don't want him thinking we're a household of liars.

God forbid.

It's a real Caravaggio, Anne.

Don't muddy the waters.

What are we going to see?

A horror movie, of course.

So you jump into my arms.

Madame... Anne, our friend,

thought it was the George V Hotel.

Anne does not know the first thing about romance.

Listen, Maria,

there's something I must tell you straight off the bat.

I know who you are.

What I mean is...

I know who you really are.

Somebody told me at the party. I promised I wouldn't say who.

Oh, my God. It was Steven. He wasn't supposed to...

Listen, it's all right.

I don't care.

It makes no difference to me.

Really?

Yeah.

Do you honestly feel that way?

And I have a daughter. Did he tell you that?

A princess, I'm sure.

The topic, mi amor,

is closed.

You know they were supposed to destroy them?

It was a big scandal at the time.

Like everything new.

People are afraid when they can't link a feeling

with another one.

And how do you feel right now?

Empty.

Let's make a wish.

Are you okay? You look sad.

Your mother never been so happy in all her life.

Now I will pop this in FedEx,

and you will have it by Saturday.

I wish you could come and see me.

- Look. - A ver.

Ah!

- Where were you? - Oh, you know.

Doing a little shopping at the Galeries Lafayette.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Just starving, that's all.

Maria just asked me if she could go.

She just left.

Mandy is with the kids.

Did she have makeup on?

- Lipstick? A skirt? - Excuse me?

There is something very strange going on with Maria, trust me.

Okay, can you tell me about it over steak?

There's this nice bistro on the corner.

She is seeing him, Bob. This morning she came late,

and she looked like she'd been fucking.

Oh, my God!

- Coming! - Come on, Bob!

My God, I'd hate to see it if there was a fire!

You move like a tortoise. Oh, my God.

Okay, let's follow her.

Come on, turn it on!

Let's go. Now, drive fast. Be like the French.

Go, go, go! Oh, my God!

Shut up.

Do not talk to me that way!

They're parking. Go around the block. Fast.

Go!

It's nice, no?

Oh, please! He can't be serious!

Look, Bob, he's taken her Le Petit Bistrot d'Auteuil.

Obviously. I'm not blind.

That's one of my favorite restaurants! I mean...

At least it's food.

Can we go back home now? You can fire her tomorrow.

I can't fire her.

She runs the house like clockwork.

Well, you trained her.

She's not a biochemist.

She's just a housemaid.

You don't get it. It takes at least half a day

to learn how to fold my skirts alone, you know?

I mean, it's a mess. It's a total fucking mess!

I think you're overreacting, but I'll talk to her.

Could he be in love with her? Is that possible?

Well, admit it. She's got a great ass.

Maybe vacuum cleaning's the new Pilates.

She's terribly ugly, right?

I don't know.

She's got a kind of charm.

Oh, my God. Now you too.

How about we both go in there and have our dinner?

Because they would see us.

- She's the guilty one, not us. - Oh, Bob.

It's good.

You see?

Everything's new to you.

You're like a kid, Maria.

And you have a play date after dinner.

You realize I'm a fervent believer, David.

Oh, I know.

I hear you calling for God when you're in bed with me.

Maybe I am a kid, but you?

You're a teenager.

Oversexed.

In the worst way.

I'll have you know when I was a teenager,

I was going to be a priest.

Oh, my God!

You see? You're doing it again.

Calling his name.

I'm starting to get jealous, Maria.

It's like a slow-motion car crash.

I've never seen you this way.

Well, it's like my own little catastrophe.

She knows the color of our underwear.

She cleans our sheets.

She knows when we have sex.

She knows when I throw up.

You're still throwing up?

Well, not in a major way.

I just want to stay, you know...

sexy.

Hang on.

What are you doing?

Hunting.

Hunting for what?

God, it's not 1878.

I wanted to send you flowers.

What kind of flowers?

Well, give me an address. You'll find out.

Don't be afraid of me, Maria.

You and your family, I give you my word.

Complete and utter discretion.

Meanwhile,

a gift...

for you.

Oh, my God.

I can't accept. They're...

Perfect.

For your hair.

For your eyes.

For your tattoo, my white princess.

That's it.

I'm gonna have to tell him the truth.

Don't. He'll think we were making fun of him.

I cannot afford that.

Come on, are we having any money problems?

Absolutely not.

But Monsieur Antoine Bernard and his museum

must have a Caravaggio.

I'm only too happy to oblige.

That is if it's the real thing.

I'd pocket a king's ransom.

So keep your mouth shut.

Finally! Dr. Schwiman.

Are you all right?

I saw your text about an emergency.

No, I'm not all right! I'm about to kill that woman.

What's happening? Are you in bed?

Yes, I am.

It's the middle of the night for you.

Are you gonna listen or just make stupid remarks?

It's the middle of the night.

- See? - If you'd called back sooner...

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Bob.

Bob, this is a private consultation.

Please.

Okay. I just...

I mean, you know, I've had to fight my whole entire life

for everything, even men.

How can this woman, this... this maid,

inspire such feelings?

Go on.

I feel so alone.

You know, even in a crowded room,

I feel lonely, Doctor.

Are you serious?

Tell me the truth, Maria.

What is your secret dream?

Everyone's got a secret dream.

I gave up on dreams, you know?

I have a simple desire.

I want my daughter to be happy.

Oh, tell the truth. Come on.

Everyone's got a project.

- You must have a plan. - Well...

It will sound ridiculous to you.

Sweetheart,

anything you'd say to me

will never, ever sound ridiculous to me.

Come on. What is it?

I would like to invent...

the half-pack of baking powder.

- Baking powder? - Yes.

I cook a lot, you see,

and no recipe uses the whole packet of baking powder.

None!

It's always half of the packet.

Then you leave the rest in the cupboard.

But you don't use it, never again,

because you're afraid it got spoiled.

Or you're not sure it's a real half remaining there.

Perhaps more, perhaps less, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I get the point. It's, um...

It's very smart. Very smart.

You're a very unusual woman, Maria.

Yes, I am.

Maybe you could cook for me sometime.

Invite me back to your place.

You have that Velazquez.

I could come and appraise it for you.

You could take me to Madrid.

I could meet your family.

I'm brilliant at groveling.

Buenas noches.

Buenas noches, cariÒo.

Oh, madre mia.

- Que rico. - Que rico.

- Que rico. - Que rico.

- Que rico. - Que rico. Yep, yep.

Bonsoir, monsieur. Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

Wow.

What's with the outfit?

Well, it was Dr. Schwiman's idea.

It's an exercise to expunge my anger against Maria.

Are you jealous?

Stop it.

Anne, you're a beautiful woman.

But that's not why I married you.

Am I not pretty anymore?

I think you're jealous because you're...

insecure.

Of course I am. We never have sex.

The world is full of young pretty women,

and Paris is the worst.

Shh, shh, shh...

Don't shush me.

We have doctor's orders, don't we?

I must get this.

Bob, the bank's breathing down my neck.

Your accounts are running low. This is it.

We really need the money from the painting.

How much time do I have?

A month, maybe, before the foreclosures begin.

I can't do anything else without you here.

How was your evening?

You scared me, Madame. Is everyone okay?

You're never up so early.

- How would you know? - Well, sorry.

I'm going to get breakfast ready.

What's in that bag, Maria?

- In this one, Madame? - Exactly.

It's a dress from the dry cleaner, Madame.

Hmm. They gave it back to you like that

with no hanger or plastic?

It's for the dry cleaner. I wanted to take it yesterday,

- but it was closed. - Really?

You just said you picked it up from the dry cleaner.

Sometimes I get confused with my English, Madame.

Oh, no. Your English is perfect.

Let me see the dress.

- This is the one I... - Give me the dress, Maria.

Yes, Madame.

It's dirty, Madame. It belongs at the dry cleaners.

No. It belongs to me.

But I haven't worn it in months.

And it smells like you

with your cheap vanilla perfume.

I don't smell anything.

I trusted you, Maria.

I sat you at my table. I thought you were honest.

Just so I know, do you wear my underwear

when he takes you to the hotel?

I don't understand, Madame.

You know I hate it when people cry.

I'm so sorry.

Just hurry up. The kids are gonna be late for school.

I'm so sorry, Madame.

I don't know what to say.

I am in love, and I just...

Please!

Just stop it!

Okay, I am not your friend.

Try to put an end to this nonsense.

I'm advising you to think of what's important

for you and your daughter.

Yes, Madame.

How is she by the way?

Still very well. Thanks, Madame.

She's got the freestyle finals coming up.

Well, I'm really proud to pay for such a nice girl's study.

Really.

I'd hate to have to be forced to stop.

Yes, Madame.

Stop with this phone.

He will not call.

We do not belong to this world.

He knows who I am.

He doesn't know.

But the world does.

Is that a Filipino saying?

Maria, we serve, they eat.

They don't love people like you or Josiane or me.

We're slaves. Same as slaves.

How can you say such a thing, Mandy?

Are you crazy?

I'm worth as much as Madame,

even if I bring her tea on a tray.

We are human beings. You better respect yourself.

We work for our kids. They will be strong at study.

What does any of this have to do with love?

Everything.

There's no such thing as love.

You're showing me the best baker in Paris,

as if you would know better than I would?

Je voudrais deux croissants bien cuits.

Is that right?

Perfect.

Let me order something else.

Madame, s'il vous plait,

deux pains au chocolat et un baguette.

How do you say "lemon tart?"

Tarte au citron.

No, no, no. We don't. We stop.

On va devenir très gross, Bob.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Let's play, kids!

Yay!

So... what do you think, boy or a girl?

Let me see.

You're trying to play a trick on me here.

I can feel...

There's twins in there, no?

Oh, my God! It's unbelievable!

I told you she was amazing.

When there is two, I cannot tell if boy or girl.

Isn't it better than ultrasound?

One of you is worried.

One of you is in love. You don't have to worry.

He's going to call and ask you away for the weekend.

Finally! George Clooney is going to call me.

What else?

Well, you should go. You should say yes.

Life wasn't always nice to you and will not always be,

so enjoy now.

I don't know who she's talking to,

but one of you is gonna have a nice weekend.

Maybe it's you.

The woman I am talking about

knows exactly who she is.

Should we open the presents, Madame?

Are you drunk, Maria?

You Americans and guns. You can't fight it.

Well, they give us guns at ten, so we're not tempted

to play with the toy pistol between our legs.

And does it work?

The guilt works.

I always have a little guilt when I'm having sex.

How delicious that must be.

You must tell me all about it.

Here we are.

It's so beautiful.

Is it a hotel?

No, my dear, it is not.

I want you to witness my big announcement.

Check.

I'm going to get you!

What has got into you?

Let's have sex.

Or let's run away.

We can have sex tonight, and we can run away tomorrow.

Now, come on.

What I like about chess is the vision.

You know where you're going, but nobody else has a clue.

There is no such thing as vision in chess.

Only options.

Hmm.

I have my own... shortcuts, my lucky tricks.

Lay there for a minute and smell the flowers.

What is going on?

I can't go in there.

- Are you ashamed of me? - Of course not.

David, you know me. You know who I am.

I cannot mix with these people. I can't.

Darling Maria...

it is the 21st century.

Queen Elizabeth has dinner with Jay-Z.

Come on, let's go.

Stefan Zweig said that he loved chess

because it had nothing to do with luck.

Maria! Maria!

I won't be caught again, believe me.

Maria! Maria!

You're amazing.

Does every child in the world love you?

Let's play.

Ah, gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please.

I bring news from London.

Your painting has been authentified.

Hallelujah.

Congratulations, mon vieux.

Mm. Thank you.

We have many things to celebrate today.

First, our friendship.

To our wives,

to our families,

and let's not forget...

Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio,

that rogue.

And master fornicator.

At least he had fun.

Taste it.

It's one of the greatest wines in the world.

Bourgogne.

- To life. - To life.

- To life. - To life.

Thank you.

They are both with the nice Portuguese nanny,

going down for a nap.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh, you must have the magic touch. Shazam!

Maria, tell us about yourself.

The mysterious woman who stole David's heart.

Or his liver.

His heart is difficult to steal.

My heart is easy to steal, but it's hard to hold.

I'm Irish, after all.

When did the Irish become experts in affairs of heart?

They're supposed to be happy drunks.

Oh.

The French do adultery,

and the English do spanky-spanky.

And the Americans, they have sex

like they're invading a third-world country

and didn't have to pay for it afterwards.

I can explain it. In France, we choose adultery,

so we can stay married to our beloved wives.

The English, well,

after twenty years of getting punished in boarding school,

fighting their homosexual feelings,

they only have the guts to speak to one girl, that's it.

They are settled for life.

What do you think, Maria?

Oh, well, I am an old-fashioned Spanish,

but I do believe marriage is an important matter.

So you don't lie to anyone.

- Interesting. - She's adorable.

It's like you're from the 19th century or something.

Because you think women were pure back then?

Did you ever read a book, David?

Yes, and I'm nearly finished coloring it in.

Seriously. Vice has been around since human beings themselves.

And needed an excuse to invent virtue.

So, Anne, tell me.

How did you meet Maria? She won't tell me.

Oh, no!

These two are very secretive about their friendship.

I don't even know when they met.

Why such a mystery?

I am their maid.

I have been cleaning their underwear

and their toilets...

for about, what?

Ten years now, Madame?

No, no! We traveled when we were young, together,

and we ate at all the finest restaurants.

Did you eat at Alain Ducasse's new restaurant in Italy yet?

L'Andana? Oh, my God!

You must absolutely go there. The meat is amazing.

How can you eat so much and stay that thin?

She was always like that.

She was born like that. Beautiful.

Never ages.

She's a mystery.

Thank you, darling.

When are you going back to New York?

Oh, soon.

Are we... Are you leaving?

Yes.

Fun's over!

There's an investment banker in New York I have to kill.

I'm going back to packing.

Taking the kids and the staff and heading home.

But that doesn't change your feelings.

What's a few miles between friends?

Ah, Maria.

Do you realize what a mess we're in because of your behavior?

I never asked for anything, Madame.

He just...

Well, it's good you didn't ask.

You're a housekeeper, not a prostitute.

It's not what you think it is, Madame.

He's deeply in love with me. True love.

He told me.

The way he holds me during the night.

The way he looks at me.

Maria, just listen to me.

Anne, I beg you.

Don't call me Anne!

You abused my kindness, and you lied to me.

I just did what you asked me to, Madame.

I sat at that table because you asked me to.

Look, I don't want to hurt you. I know your life is hard.

But you're playing out of your league.

How do you know?

How can I explain this without hurting your feelings?

This is not your world.

If your opinions were really interesting,

substantial,

if they had any impact or a real interest,

why would you be a maid?

Because I'm a Spanish immigrant. I had no options, Madame.

Cervantes, El Bulli,

Almodóvar, Antonio Banderas.

They're all Spanish, and they're not maids, are they?

He loves me, Madame.

Perhaps you should believe in love too.

You're in love.

You sing and you don't eat.

I eat.

But not so much.

That's how it starts.

Filthy genius!

I read it. Tell me it's true.

All true. Just like the first one.

Only this time it's not Anne and my father.

It's Anne and the maid.

Totally cool.

And you know what? Political.

How does it end?

Who knows?

Badly.

Join me.

David!

How are you?

Hello, Anne.

This is so funny because I wanted to organize

a double date with my friend.

Remember the pretty brunette from our dinner party, Jane?

- Oh, yeah. - I know.

She can seem a little boring at the beginning,

but she's a little lonely, what with her divorce

and trying to figure out what to do with all of her millions.

I hear she's a real tornado in bed.

Anne, I think you're getting me confused

with some sort of gigolo.

I'm just a humble academic.

I hear you have other talents.

Maybe I could take you out some night, Anne.

Why not? When my beloved husband is out of town.

But in the meantime, I'll get the details from Jane.

Maria hasn't already told you?

Maria? Oh, my God.

I thought that nightmare was over. I feel terrible.

I wanted to call you. I thought things would end quickly.

Well, I surprised myself, to be honest.

But what can I say? She beguiles me.

Look, I held back because I'm a nice person,

but there's something I have to tell you

that should remain between us.

Nobody should be embarrassed.

I'm so sorry. It's so good to see you.

- I'll call you, okay? - Okay.

Oh! God!

Ah. Not too tight.

- All done. - Okay.

No, I'm fine.

Oh, God.

Hello. This is David Morgan.

Please leave a message.

Hi. Hi, David. It's me, Maria.

Uh, nothing. I hope you're doing well.

I sent you message.

I hope you received them.

And nothing. Um...

Call me back.

Take care.

Maybe something bad happened to him.

I don't know, an accident.

I know what kind of accident happened to man

that never called back.

It's an accident with boobs.

But it's not possible.

He was so in love with me.

You don't send text. You wait.

She's right. In French, we say, "Fais le courir."

Make him run.

Ca lui fera les pieds.

Which mean, uh...

I don't know.

A mortal wanted...

to marry my wife?

Yes, and I had to confront his violence.

Was it a prince from this country,

or the king himself?

It is he who reigns over this land.

The son of Proteus.

Ah.

So the hidden meaning...

behind the maid's words.

Oh, Bob.

It's not very professional.

Quasimodo's not watching.

Quasimodo would like this.

You know, Maria,

I can feel you're embarrassed with everything that's happened.

But I want you to know you're still important in this house.

I've spoken with Bob,

and we're giving you a raise for Christmas.

Thank you, Madame, but it will be not necessary.

Oh, nonsense.

Now, will you bring tea and cake for two in the salon, please?

Yes, Madame.

So now that we've suddenly got all this wall space,

I was thinking, if you want to stick with the 17th century,

there is this.

- Oh, it's stunning. - Yeah?

Oh, it really is.

But Christie's are having a sale in London

in a couple of weeks' time.

We could go modern, maybe pick up a Delacroix.

Oh, my God, it's beautiful.

I don't even know what to say.

I have to show Bob.

Is he not here? Is he away?

He's at his French lesson.

His accent is hilarious.

Oh, yeah.

Paris has been great for us.

We're in love like we were when we first met.

Congratulations.

Bye, Steven.

Bye, Maria.

Take care.

Did you find your ending?

I'm not sure yet.

You know something?

A woman I was fond of once

told me not to despise people.

That people love happy endings.

They can't fight it.

The hero runs.

He kisses her in the rain.

People love it.

Really?

People.