Original subtitles

(hip-hop playing) Yeah, oh, yeah.

Yeah, take that, floor.

Dirty, dirty floor.

Lamp.

Yeah, curtain.

Here we go.

Plant.

Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Oh, wow. I wish I could un-see this.

I never want to stop seeing it.

I couldn't look away if I tried.

* Uh, uh, uh...

Say it! Say my name, bitch!

Back it up, back it up, back it up...

God bless those dust bunnies.

* Wake up, look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down, get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

(phone rings)

Hi.

Kate?

I'm coming.

Hold on a second.

Hi, it's me.

It's Kate. How are you? Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm really good. How are you doing?

Hey, listen, Shelley's at her mom's.

Any chance you can come over?

(banging in distance) Yeah, I can come over.

BEN: What are you doing? Yes, it's...

Ben's watching Maddie; it's great.

It's so great having him here, you know,

(sawing, clattering) to do...

You rock at the monkey bars.

How can you suck at this so bad?

I'm gonna have to call you back.

I'm gonna go murder my brother.

Bye. Okay.

If you're gonna saw, put your back into it.

A little muscle. What are you doing?

Well, not getting any sawing done, that's for sure.

What? No, you can't.

That's not for children.

Uncle Ben's making me a loft.

Yeah, first I was thinking bunk bed,

but then I realized, hey,

what kid doesn't love a live-workspace.

Did you sneak all of this in through the back?

One man's sneak is another man's carry.

It was supposed to be a surprise.

For me? Are you or are you not surprised?

I'm not gonna let Maddie just sleep in something

that you nailed together willy-nilly, Ben.

We're not using nails, Kate, just rope.

It terrifies me that she actually listens to you.

I know he means well, but he got Maddie's hopes up,

and now I kind of have to buy her a new bed.

I mean, one that she's not gonna die in.

Oh, my God, look at this.

Oh, my God! Do you know how many children

you could feed with the money this bed costs?

Probably about as many as it took to build this thing. You're totally right.

That is not the handiwork of a well-paid adult. Want to get it?

No. I want to get my camera so I can take a picture of it,

find a cheaper version online.

Cover me, okay? Oh, my God.

I did that. I broke it.

It was me. I'm really sorry.

I did that.

Um, I just...

I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

It's $700.

What the sh... Shut your face.

I'm sorry.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Baller move, springing for the giraffe lamp

on a social worker's salary.

She's gonna have to do a lot of filthy things to work that off.

Technically, he's not just on a social worker's salary. I knew it.

He's not helping those kids, he's selling them.

You know how much a Korean kid goes for on the black market?

Or a black kid on the Korean market? Not as much.

It's an offensive industry for many reasons.

(clears throat)

(mutters): He has a little bit of family money.

What?

He has a little family money.

Family money.

This guy is rich.

Wow. You know what this means?

This is like, a whole new class

of vacations for us.

Cayman Islands...

(bell dinging) Virgin Islands,

Thousand Islands.

(bell continues dinging) Nice work. Thank you.

You're welcome. BEN: No.

No, no, no. Don't do this.

Don't do what?

You never, ever trust anybody

who inherits anything, ever.

Only with regards to money.

Near-sightedness, psoriasis, albinoism,

nothing but respect.

Yeah, that's true. Hey, look,

I've got no problem

with people who earn their own money,

but I can't respect those trust fund d-bags

with their fancy sandwiches. Out of all the things

you can resent, you go for sandwiches?

It's the array of tapenades that really gets my goat.

Don't even get me started on ciabatta.

Trust me, Kate, I run into these types of people all the time

working at the country club.

You've worked there for a week.

They're not our type of people.

We're like, pull yourself up by the bootstraps people.

Make something out of nothing people.

You know, I've always thought that dude

was wrong for you, Kate.

Now if you agree with me,

we can start a new life together in Seattle.

(chuckles) What?

Okay, that's not a no.

I'm gonna assume you're thinking about it.

Look, Ben, I really like Will, okay?

And I've worked so hard for everything my entire life.

So, yeah, it's nice to have somebody

take care of things now and then. Fine,

but just know this lamp thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

Speaking of which, say good-bye to iceberg lettuce forever.

Yeah, it's all watercress

and radicchio from now on.

The moisture's just gonna soak up so well in our hair

and give it a awesome, kind of amazing type of curl.

I know it's pretty good already, and then with Kate...

Can I get a couple more? Just a couple more...

Think about it.

We can go hang out in the Space Needle all day--

Give me a couple more-- Coffee shops everywhere.

Yeah, just pour them all, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great, then you can just push them...

Yeah, thank you, mm-hmm, there. That's a good start.

Do you think this obsession with Kate

is now officially tragic?

Okay, I am not obsessed with Kate.

You think she's thinking about Seattle?

Her and I, down at the market,

throwing fish at each other in the rain... (chuckles)

Ow! Tommy, she's in

an actual relationship now,

and we need her to make this work with Will

because he is very, very rich.

And I need a lot of stuff.

You have to move on. You have to.

I can help you. BJ...

What's your type? Look...

I don't know, okay? I don't have a type.

Yes, you do. I guess if I had to pick a type,

I guess I would want what any guy wants, you know?

Funny...

Yeah, that's nice. Yeah. beautiful...

has a daughter named Maddie,

brother named Ben.

I say this with love: you sicken me.

I can't believe you cooked me dinner.

Well, and an endive and radicchio salad.

Wow, yeah, okay.

Is there something wrong? No, I mean, no,

this is just like a fancy salad.

Kate. I let Ben and Tommy get in my head

about the money thing. I'm sorry. You know what you need?

You need a little less Ben and Tommy

and just a little bit more us.

Let's go away for a night.

Do you like camping? We should go camping.

We used to go camping all the time.

Ben and I would lie in our tent at night

and listen to the sound of the wind

and our parents fighting.

Okay, well, why don't we do the less-fighting camping

and the more romantic, fun camping.

That'd be great.

My grandpa may have left me a little bit of money,

but I'm still the same guy I was yesterday, all right?

This changes nothing.

This changes everything.

Okay, first you must learn how to speak to servants.

All right?

May I pour your tea, ma'am?

Yes, please. No.

Never address the help directly, Maddie.

No-no eye contact. Very good.

Maddie, away.

No, I'm BJ. Bring it back to BJ.

The help, look away. Good.

And back, lovely, very good.

Okay, cigarettes. Now, they're gonna be offered to you

probably between the cheese course and coffee.

I know, it's bad for children to smoke,

but, Maddie, it's also very rude to say no.

(doorbell rings)

Surprise! I got you the bed

that you wanted for Maddie. Oh, my God.

You didn't have to do that at all.

I mean, I looked online and I found

some really cute cheaper ones. I know,

but I just wanted you to have this one.

Okay, come in. Where is she?

What's that?

Oh, I got a new bed for Maddie.

Kate not tell you I'm building Maddie a loft?

Yeah, guess how many nails

I'm using.

Here's a little hint, chief: less than one.

What up? Yeah, well, she just wasn't sure

that you were gonna finish it, so...

Oh...

Wasn't sure I was gonna finish it, huh?

That's a natural reaction. Start a project,

don't finish it, though, you know?

I can understand how you might get to that.

Kate, can I talk to you for a sec?

What? Can I talk to you for a sec?

Why are you acting like that? I told you.

I have the loft situation under control. Yeah,

but Will-Will got that one, even though I told him not to,

but it's really amazing, and it's nice, and it's safe.

Okay, let me tell you what's not safe.

A whole bed that comes in a box.

Well, there's eight more outside.

Really? Nine full boxes? Maybe you guys

should build this loft together.

I got a guy coming over later to assemble it, so...

Did you hear that? He's got a guy.

Hey, listen, chief,

super sweet,

bringing that bed. Like, really nice, champ,

you know, but, uh, frankly,

Maddie, she's not really into that stuff.

Is that for me? Well, it sure is.

Do you like it? I love it!

It's so pretty. Just making you feel better.

God, she is patronizing.

Yeah, I can feel that.

MADDIE: Mom, look,

there's more boxes outside.

Eight more outside.

Probably just wants to, you know,

make a fort out of the boxes.

You know, keep it super grounded.

You know, Maddie tends to do that,

just keep it real.

Look, uh, I...

I was just kind of wondering...

I'm not into bathhouses, bro.

I'll keep that in mind.

Um, listen,

Kate and I were thinking about going camping, and, uh,

I was wondering if maybe you could watch Maddie?

Yeah, sure, Will, that sounds awesome. Thanks.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Great. Thanks.

Hey, let me help you with those boxes.

Wait, I was just being sarcastic, dude.

What the...? BJ: Tommy.

Okay, wait here.

What's the emergency?

I want you to meet at least two

of your future wives.

The first is my friend from yoga,

the second is my dead cousin's widow,

and the third, I just met on the street,

but she seems very interested.

In what? Unclear.

BJ, I don't have time for this, okay? I have a tennis class in half an hour.

Perfect. You've got 15 minutes to find a replacement

for the woman who has captivated your every waking thought

for the past ten years. Go.

Hi, I'm Tracy.

I love cooking, working out, and gardening,

and I'm just looking for someone with nice feet

to step on my face at the end of the day.

It was the first morning of our honeymoon,

and when I turned over, he was dead next to me.

There was a pillow over his face but no sign of a break-in.

As my lawyer says, I have no idea what happened,

but I'm deeply saddened.

(with accent): Chinese theater?

Oh, you like theater?

California.

Movie stars?

Would you excuse me for one second?

So, who's the lucky lady?

Well, number three wanted directions,

number one is a dude,

and number two, I'm pretty sure she killed your cousin.

Three-way toss-up. Classic Sophie's Choice.

What's going on?

We're going camping, too.

Oh, really? Am I in trouble or is he?

I feel like it's probably you.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Hey, I'm just taking my niece on a fun,

spontaneous excursion.

Okay fine, truth is I don't trust that guy.

You think nature comes in nine boxes

any you can pay a guy to put it together?

No, you could die out there.

Why don't you just skip the spying and come with us?

What? We both know that every version of this

ends with you coming with us.

Really? You'd be okay with that?

Yeah, sure, there's plenty of room in the cabin.

The cabin? Is that your idea of roughing it?

Yeah, it's warm, it's cozy,

and I thought it'd be more comfortable for Kate.

Oh, really? Is that what you thought?

That it'll be nicer for my sister?

That she could take a shower

and stay warm and not get scared?

That's-that's actually super thoughtful, in fact.

It's really nice of you.

But if you want to sleep outside, you and Maddie

are more than welcome to camp in the yard.

Oh, really? Is that your move, that we could actually...

That's actually super sweet, too; thank you.

I'd love to take you up on that offer. Great. Let's go camping.

Yeah. (chuckles weakly)

Listen, I shouldn't have thrown that many women

at you so quickly.

The number was an issue, but caliber was also suspect.

Well... it's not exactly fair to blame them, is it?

We all know who's really at fault.

BJ, you don't have to apologize.

You. Me? How is it my fault?

Tommy, the way you approach women is all wrong.

You're too open.

When you approach a woman, it is all about the hunt!

The hunt. No, I don't mean the hunt.

I mean, it's the chase.

Aren't hunting and chasing the same thing?

Never correct a woman. That ends the dialog.

You're trying to cultivate a back-and-forth here, you see? Okay, yeah.

See? Now what you did just there, you let me off the hook

Don't let me get away with that.

But you said I shouldn't correct you.

Don't say what I said back to me.

I'm sorry. Don't say you're sorry.

Apologize. I'm sorry.

No! Apologize, Tommy! Forgive me...

For what?

...for agreeing, but not disagreeing.

Better. I am so confused.

Exactly.

You get it. Do you see?

Oh! Women! Yes.

Yes.

This is so nice. Mm-hmm.

It's so amazing.

I thought this stuff only happened in movies,

you know?

This bearskin rug smells really bad.

That fire is burning my face off.

(groans)

(sighs)

This is much better.

So much better.

I love it here.

I love that you love it here.

All right!

Put out the fire, buried my TP

and hung the bear bag. (chuckles)

See? Camping doesn't have to be fancy to be fun.

(grunting)

Quickly, easily zip the...

I'm gonna get all snug like a little bug in a rug.

Don't want any heat escaping.

Why do we hang a bear bag?

Well, you see, bears can smell food from a half a mile away.

So wouldn't they smell it in a tree?

Yeah, but they can't get it.

But wouldn't that make 'em mad?

I would think it would, yes.

Yeah, I mean, those bears have been promised a meal

that is literally being dangled over their head.

You know what?

I'm gonna actually move that bag,

so it's not directly so... over our tent.

Ow! Oh, damn it!

My leg shouldn't be this...

Ow! Why is there so ma...

Oh, wow.

Wow, these trees...

Proof of God.

Pine...

redwood, pine...

(distant): spruce, Christmas...

walnut...

alder pine,

ponderosa,

crabapple. (laughs)

Look at those beautiful leaves,

you proud, proud creature.

(chittering, fluttering)

Actually, those might not be leaves at all.

Those are bats. That's just a...

that's just a boatload of bats.

Wow, may not even be a tree in there at all.

That's just a huge amount of bats!

Ah! Night bats!

Okay, stay calm, people! Stay calm!

I've been here before! I've trained for this!

Should we go out there? I know what I'm doing!

Oh, my God! Okay... No, no, he's fine. Look at me.

Stay calm! Bats hate commotion!

Don't I look good in here, in this lighting?

BEN: Be still! Be...

(screaming) Oh, my God.

Ben down! Brother down!

Where are we, Mommy?

We're home, baby. Go to sleep.

(Will grunts)

I had to put Maddie in my bed. Hers was full of sawdust.

I put Ben in his, which, oddly, was also full of sawdust.

I'm sorry our night got cut short.

But, hey, what's a romantic camping trip

without a nice visit to the emergency room?

Get a few post-exposure rabies vaccines.

So much fun!

I know that Ben

has been acting a little crazy...

a lot crazy recently,

but we didn't have the same opportunities as you,

so you have to understand.

I think it might, might have made him just a little...

...insane, maybe?

Overprotective, maybe?

But you know, he's in bed,

we have the house to ourselves.

Thank God. Yeah.

How's Ben?

Where, where is he?

What are you doing here?

I'm his emergency contact. Now how is he?

He's fine. Tommy...

More importantly, how are you?

I'm fine.

Hi. Oh, hey, Tommy. Hey, BJ.

How's Ben? Where is he?

He's fine. Yeah?

What are you doing here? I'm his wife, remember?

I'm his emergency contact. Is he okay?

You guys, please get out of here.

Oh, still paying off that giraffe lamp. Nice.

Wh...?

BJ: Come on.

Stay strong. Have fun.

I mean, wow.

Come on.

So everyone in your life is always this nuts.

Not always. Sometimes they sleep.

So...

BEN: Kate, I want to tell you this feeling I'm hearing!

I'll be right back. Ah-ah, Kate, he is a grown man.

Yeah, I know, but it's really dark in there and he's confused

and he's foggy, and I should...

You need to set better boundaries.

I know how to set boundaries.

BEN: Kate! Really?

Kate...!

This is what you want your life like?

Sometimes it's a lot crazier,

so you caught it on a good night.

Don't worry. Eventually, they'll get

their lives together and leave you alone a little bit.

I don't want them to leave me alone... Will.

When Maddie's dad ran out on me

and my life was completely falling apart,

they were the only people that were there for me.

They picked me up and put me back together

and got me on my feet and helped me

believe that I could move on from that.

'Cause I really didn't think that I could.

And I've done it.

Yeah, and I think that's awesome.

Without them, I wouldn't be who I am.

I get that.

Do you? Yeah.

But if you and I are going to keep doing this, I...

I ought to be totally honest with you.

I don't think I want this much crazy in my life.

Well, I'm glad you're being honest with me.

Yeah.

So where's that leave us?

BEN: Kate, I figured out why the bats were after me.

It's because I'm one of them!

Right.

(Ben squeaking, screeching)

You all right? Yeah.

I mean, who cares if I never find love?

I don't need love. Of course you don't.

You just need someone to have sex with.

Oh!

BJ: Look at that.

I know. How cute is this dog?

Hey! Hey, there!

What's your name? Come here.

"Robert"? Well, hello, Robert. Hi.

Hello. TOMMY: What are you wearing, huh?

A tuxedo? Are you a spy dude?

Excuse me. I'm talking to a dog here.

He's so cute. Is he yours?

No, no. I'd have put

him down years ago, if he was mine.

What you going later, huh? A prom? A wedding? Opera? Psst!

You have a whole life we don't know about, don't you?

Tommy... Tommy!

Ow! Oh, my goodness!

BJ, you could have kicked this dog. What happened?

Are you okay? I'm fine. I...

I'm Tommy.

I'm Lila.

Hey, Lila. Hi, Tommy.

You like dogs?

You have a dog?

(both chuckle)

Funny. Yeah.

Well, yeah.

Hey, you okay?

(voice breaks): Yeah, yeah.

I think Will and I just had our first real fight.

About the money thing?

Yeah...

yeah, about the money thing.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I mean, you didn't break up or anything...

(gentle laugh)

Sorry.

Wow, this is really high.

This is not safe for Maddie at all.

No, it's really not.

I mean, maybe if you got like a, like a, like a railing

or a harness or something. (chuckles)

Yeah. Or put it outside.

I don't think Maddie wanted the loft bed as much as I did.

And honestly, I mean, what kid actually wants a live-work space?

I did. I did so badly.

I wanted a bunk bed.

Really? I... I did not know that.

Yeah. You didn't know that?

Yeah, of course I knew that, dude. Oh.

You begged like a circus dog.

(laughs) I didn't beg.

Yes, you did. I did.

Like, every year.

Why did you want one so bad?

(both laughing)

(playful growling)

I don't know.

I just thought it would be fun.

Yeah, it would've.

(chuckles)

(wood creaking)

Ben... what's...?

BEN: I'm sure it's fine.

(crash)

Nope, that is not fine!

Ribbon wood...

mountain mahogany...

coffeeberry...

Ah, bush chinquapin, hey-nah-ha.

Who knows tree names now, Dad?!

This guy.

What's up, sycamore?