All language subtitles for Ben.And.Kate.S01E06_English

[sighs]
Okay, mine's done.

Mine's done, too.

So, what's the
plan tonight?

I'm going to inspect the candy
for some razor blades

and then I'm gonna check
into Hotel Sweatpants

and then
I'm going to fall asleep,

probably with a candy wrapper
stuck to my face.

Halloween is
the one night a year

that girls
with absolutely no game

whatsoever-- like
your sweet self...

Thank you....have a
chance to be

whorish.
Whorish

is not exactly what I had

in mind.

Personal pan pizza
is more along the lines

of what I was thinking.

Can I have some candy?

N-N-N-No.

This is
Auntie BJ's

special candy from Amsterdam.

It is not
suitable

for small children.Uncle Ben's coming.

Um, okay, this is it.
Are you ready, you guys?

This is going to be the one year
that I actually scare Uncle Ben.

His time has come.

[imitates explosion]

Can I do it?
Okay.

It is a sad world
when a heterosexual man

can't ride
his sister's bike home

from a farmers' market
while holding a seasonal gourd

without attracting comments.

KATE:
Would you do me a favor?

Could you grab me
a basket

on top of the fridge
that I need in a minute?

Can't reach stuff with your
little dinosaur arms, huh?

No problem.

Human man coming through.

Oh, my stars,
what do we have here?

This rat ate
his friend's head.

That's terrible.Seriously, you're not scared

at all?

I was a night watchman
at a doll factory, Kate.

Nothing scares me.

BJ:
Look, I know

you're trying to camouflage
all her flaws,

but I just feel
like you're accentuating them.

Maddie, I'm telling you this
as your friend.

You have never looked
more squat.

Who am I supposed to be again?

You're Mini Marie
Curie, baby.

You have a Nobel Prize in
chemistry and one in physics.

I always make the
best costumes.

Baby Gandhi.

Tiny Geraldine
Ferraro.

Ferraro.

The death of
print journalism.

It's amazing. Your friends
are going to love it.

Wow,

just what every little girl
wants-- to be ostracized

at parties.I try really hard

to keep her away

from those dumb princess
costumes every year,

and as terrifying
as it is,

she actually really
looks up to you, so...

Well, of course she does.

I'm a glamorous enigma, Kate.

Especially
when you rob

one of my neighbors
blind every Halloween.

I go to the Velasquez's haunted
house as an invited guest.

[high-pitched hum]

I just happen to find myself
in their bathroom,

and as you know,

I just happen to be
a bit of a butterfingers

and accidentally knock
a bottle

of their non-FDA-approved
Brazilian face cream

into my open handbag.

[doorbell rings]

Hey.
Oh, my God.
What?

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh,
my God, it's Hot Neighbor Guy.

What do I do?
Why is he here?

What does he want? Make it stop.
Why is it happening?

I think he wants you
to open the door.

This a bad time?
[giggles]

Hi. I'm Steve.

I'm throwing
a party tonight

and I'm inviting everyone
from the neighborhood, so...

if you're free...

[laughs]

Maybe. I don't know.

It's been a
really hot fall.

Well, uh, I just wanted
to let you know.

Uh, hope to see you there.

Trick or treat!

[clears throat]

He is so into you.

That was electric, Kate.

No, that's the thing you do.

You invite your neighbors
to something

so that they don't
call the cops,

which is smart
because

I am the type
to call the cops.

Kate, it's Halloween, you can
pretend to be someone else--

a Kate who gets
some action.

Don't you think that I want
to get a little, like...?

[clicking tongue]

Pretending to be someone I'm not
just makes no sense.

I'm sorry, that sound--

is that the noise
yours actually makes?

♪ Wake up, look around

♪ There's a feeling today

♪ Fall down, get up again

♪ Get in the game

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ We're all here anyway.

All right, so,
Halloween night...
Mmm.

Here's what I'm thinking--

we go to the club early,
all right?

Now, it's gonna feel
too early at first,

but by the time
the ladies get there,

we're dancing our asses off
and we're the nucleus.

The club?
Yeah.

No, I think-- here's
what we got to do.

We got to stay here,

answer the door for
trick-or-treaters,

and flirt with some
hot moms, you know.

Put their homework
on myfridge.

I can get into that.No, I can get into
that big-time.

Yeah.
Like, I'm gonna get
into theirpurse.

Have them carry youaround.In a more--

in, like, a sexual
way, though.I was there with you.

It didn't sound
sexy at first.

All right, cool, I'm gonna
hit the shower, yeah,

'cause moms
like it fresh.
Yeah, they do.

I'm thinking about doing
something a little different
with my hair tonight.

Ooh, okay, but don't say
anything else.

I want to be surprised.

[gasps]

This is perfect.

Look.

Sexy meter maid? No.You'd be really good at that.

Cool, so when we're young,
we have to be princesses,

and when we're old,
we have to be sluts.

Get over yourself.

Maddie, come here.
Where is she?

Okay, would
you rather be

a depressed, frumpy,
dead scientist

or a beautiful,

sparkly princess?
Princess.

Yes.
And maybe
you could be the queen.

No, I can't, I've got other
plans, but you can try it on.

I know it's a
hard color,

but we'll just get
her a spray tan.

You just undid six years

of very inspirational costumes

with one probably flammable
yellow dress.

Stop all of this.

What?
Stop being this person

for one night.This person is fine.

Okay.
Oh, hey.
Hey, it's Kate, right?

Trick or treat.

I said that earlier and
you're saying it now.

What's bipping?
What does that mean?

It's funny seeing you
twice in one day.

It's kind of like...

[speaks gibberish, laughs]

So, uh, maybe I'll see you
at my party tonight?

Maybe-C-D-E...

She'll see you there
with the rest of the alphabet.

Won't you?

I don't know.What is that?

I don't know.Gonna be alone
forever.

This is not working.Yeah, it's really bad.

I'm gonna go to that party.

Yes, you are.Gonna go as the new Kate.

Yeah, you are.
Yeah.

I'm gonna wear this.

No, I'm not.
I'm not gonna wear that.

Okay, uh...

What about this?

Okay, I think that's

a duck costume for a baby,

but I like where
your head's at.

Um, maybe what
about two?

Yeah, one for each booby.Quack, quack.

Hello, curl.
What's up, soft wave?

What's that?
Yeah, I do surf.

Short-boarding, yeah, I'm a...

KATE:
Ben.
What's that?

Um, I made some delicious
Halloween cider.

Do you want some?

Oh, yeah. Parched.

Ladle yourself some.

Okay.
[screams]

Well, now, that shouldn't be
in there.

I'm gonna have
to write a terse letter

to the farmers' market.

Come on, Ben,
that was good.

Yeah, the phrase
"ladle yourself some"--

that's something people say.

Do you hear
what I'm saying, Ben?
Huh?

Are there sounds coming
out of my mouth?
What?

Yes.
I feel weird.

I wonder if I'm allergic
to these candies.

Did you eat one
of BJ's candies?

No, I ate seven of them.

These are from
Amsterdam, Tommy.

You know what comes
from Amsterdam?

Experimental filmmakers?
No.

Windmills?
No.

People who were there
and then came back?

Things that you can't get
over here-- substances.

What? No, man, I-I've never
done substances in my life.

Okay, I expand my mind
through books and articles.

You are... you're
gonna be fine.

You sure?
It's just
like having,

like, a super
bad, weird cold

in a dark room in
a space shuttle.

Oh, my God.
You know what

we should do? We should
just get you, um,

horizontal.

Half baseball bat, half gavel,
and the costume is...

I don't know.

Come on.
I have no idea.

Oh, my God, guess.
I'm trying.

Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Great, I just-- I thought
you were going to be sexy.

Well, this is just
the PG layer, okay?

See?

Oh, well played.

Very, very good.And you-- you're
gonna go steal

some lotion from the
Velasquez haunted house

dressed as a
cat burglar?

Don't you think that's
kind of a giveaway, BJ?

This is exactly why
they won't suspect me--

too on the nose--
and it's not stealing,

it's replacing something
I've run out of

that I stole last year.

Oh, and thank you

for this, by the way.
Oh.

Look at all these princesses.

I mean, there's a 75% chance

that I might take home
the wrong kid tonight.

Well, maybe
you get an upgrade.

Anyone want a flashlight?
Have a safe Halloween.

KATE:
Thank you.

This is such a great idea.

I love that.
BJ:
Easy, Old Kate.

Yes, New Kate is going
to happen tonight

right after I drop Maddie off
at Tommy's parents' house.

MADDIE:
BJ, why don't you come?

And we can play
princess and queen.

Honey, it's Halloween.

I'm busy.
Does she think

I put this on for her?

Don't worry, okay?

I've talked a lot of guys
through this before.

I used to be a lifeguard
on Nantucket,

or as the locals call it,
"Nan-too-kay."

I'm gonna put on
some relaxing sounds

and use this
relaxing voice.

Do you hear it?

Oh, yeah.

You feel the relaxation?

Mm-hmm.

Are you feeling relaxed?

Feel like my heart
is exploding.

Oh, my God.
Okay.

Don't think
about your heart, okay?

Think about something nice.

Think about me

in "Nan-too-kay"
saving lives.

You're drowning,
you're in the ocean.

I'm barely keeping
my head above water.
Yes,

but I pull you in
on my little flotation device

that I've carried around my arm
and run to the water with,

and I give you CPR

and I press your stomach

the right amount of times.[coughing]

Like, 13 or...

Regardless, I save your life.

How does that make you feel?

Like we're not communicating,

like there's things I want
to say but I can't say.

Oh, my God,
I'm sorry, Ben,

I'm just really
freaking out.

No, dude, don't be sorry.

How can I expect us
to communicate?

You're on
a different latitude.

I know what I got to do.

Do not take me
to the hospital.

Okay, I have a very
complicated history

with male nurses.

You're not going
anywhere, okay?

I'm coming to you.

What is...?

Oh.

Starts off horribly,
but it's really nice.

Hi. Happy Halloween.

Yeah.

Take it off.

Oh.

Will you hold that?
Yeah.

Very nice.
Okay.

Yeah.
What now?

Well, what would you normally
do at a party like this?

I'd probably--
I'd walk up to him...

Yeah.
...and then I'd,
like, give him

one of those weird
political handshakes

and then be like,
"Why did I use two hands?"

Definitely do
something better.

Hey.
Okay.

Thanks for making it to the...

I did that.

Hey.

I did that.

Wow.

I'm gonna get you
a drink.

I kissed him.You really nailed it.

I was like, "Hello,"
and then I kissed him,

except I didn't
even say hello.

It's like I just let
my lips do

the talking, which is
what they normally do.

Yeah.
I'm a big slut.

No, you're not, but you've got
the whole night ahead of you.

The good news is, these
are definitely hitting me.

The bad news is
that I'm missing people

that I haven't seen
in a really long time

so profoundly
that I... I feel it

in my face and...
and my body

and then places that
I don't want to feel it,

like in my legs.

Oh.

I don't want
to feel it in my legs.

I can't remember...

why I took these.

Was it to paint you?

It was to guide me.

It was
to guide you.

[sighing]:
It was to guide you.

Where are you going?

[doorbell rings]

Trick-or-treaters.

There could be a hot mom.

KIDS:
Trick or treat!

Hi. Terrific.

A welcome and a hello.

These all yours?

You've given birth
so many times.

Um...

[both chuckle]

I freaked out.That mom was so hot.

I wasn't ready
for that hot of a mom.

What are we doing? This night
shouldn't be going like this.

What do you mean?I don't know, man.
Don't listen to me, okay?

Maybe we need a
change of venue.

Okay, let's forget
about the hot moms.
Yeah.

Let's go to that guy
Steve's party,

flirt with some girls--
pre-moms.

Or we go to the club.

No.

Let's go to the party.
Okay.

Okay, better,
funner, done-er.

That makes more sense
the second time you say it.

[laughs]

This is amazing.

Um, so I've got to go rob
some South American-Americans,

so I'm going to
see you later.

Okay, have fun.

Okay, I love you.

You're a criminal.

[laughter]

What are you guys
supposed to be?

Oh, my...
[laughs]

[both laughing]

That didn't feel
like it went great.

Did not feel
like it went good.

What are you
guys doing here?

BOTH:
Hey...

Up!
Kate.

[both laughing]

Why are you talking like that?Nothing's talking like that.

No, we're just checking out
the party,

just checking, making sure
everything's safe,

you know, checking the candy,

make sure
there's no razor blades!

Czech Republic!

What's wrong with you guys?

[women giggling]Cute costumes.

Right?

Hers is literally the same one
she wore when she was little.

I'm going to find a prince
and give him a happy ending.

[both laughing]

[shatters]

Hey.
Mmm.

You know, it helps if
you actually drink it.

[laughs]

This is fun.

This is not what
I'm used to.

I mean, normally
I am a mess.

I'm overthinking
everything.

Emotionally
I'm all over the place.

Like, watch out 'cause
one minute I'm laughing

and the next minute
I'm crying

for no apparent reason,
but it's probably

just because
I'm really tired.

[laughs]

Whoa.
[crying]

See, I don't... just look at me,
I'm just so tired.

Sorry.

No, no, it's--
that's okay.

I'll... I'll, uh, get
you a tissue or...

Oh, thanks. Thank you.I'll be right back.

Hi.
Hey, how you doing?

Do you want one?

Yeah, I need one.

[laughs]

WOMAN:
What's her problem?

STEVE:
I don't know.

[woman laughing]

This is it. See those
girls over there?

We totally need
to go talk to 'em.

TOMMY:
I don't know, man.
I'm not feeling

this party.
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do--

you're gonna fake
a heart attack

and I'm gonna save your
life in front of them.

Ben, I can't...Yeah, yeah, this is perfect.

Hey, everybody, heads up.

My buddy is having
a heart attack.

No, I am not.

Dude, you've been doing this
to me all night.

Stop looking
at me, party.

Okay, it looks like he's feeling
a little bit better,

but I still might need
some help,

especially
from these two women here.

Just by myself somewhere.

Let me just check on him.

Hey.

I am sorry I freaked out,

but I think I'm mad at you.

You know what? Go with this.
I'm your guide, remember?

It's just that,
earlier tonight,

I said I wanted
to go to the club,

but you didn't
even consider it.

You just said, "No, this is
what we're going to do."

What was that, man?

Oh, my God,
I totally did that.

And it's like, you're
my best friend.

How could I do
that to you?

And when you left to Sacramento,
that was fine,

but then you came back
and you expected

everything to be the same.

I just expect it
to be on my terms.

I just blow in and out.

I'm a... I'm an
emotional carny.

When you were gone,
I did new things, Ben, okay?

I even got really into dancing,
for instance,

and I wanted to show you, man.

You wanted to go
to the club.

I just wanted to
go to the club!
I said no.

Ben, I have become
an excellent dancer.

Tommy... show me.

This is called "move your
shoulder real slow-like."

Yeah.

[knocking]
WOMAN:
Hey, is anybody in there?

Hello.

Someone needs to
use the restroom.

[knocking]

You're fantastic.

WOMAN:
Hey, come on.

STEVE:
What the hell
are you guys doing?

What?
We are saving

a friendship.

Get out of my house.Okay.

That feels like a good call.Yeah, we should probably get.

We'll probably
take off now.
Yeah, mm-hmm.

BJ.

Shh.

Okay, sweetheart,

you've ruined my night and I
need to talk to you about it.

Okay, so, just gonna
pop some coffee on.

Hey, there's Kate.

Hey, you mind giving us
a second?

Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna see
what's up with that dog.

Hey, dog,
what are you doing?

[sighs]

Crazy night, huh?

Yeah.

Man, I could go
for a sandwich.

Hey, if you could be
any sandwich,

what kind of sandwich
would you be?
Ben, I...

No, I'm serious. I'm
completely serious right now.

I don't know, I'd
probably be a BLT.

Mmm.

You know what I
love about them?

This is gonna sound weird,
but the mayonnaise.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I need to be a person

who listens and respects
that that's who you are.

And you know what?

Tonight I just thought it
would be a really good idea

to put spicy mustard
all over myself.

But that's not
who you are.No, it's not at all.

And you know what?

When I try to
act like a BLT

with spicy mustard
all over me,

I attract big jerks.

Mm-hmm.
Who have really poor
taste in sandwiches.

I know.

I'm just gonna stick
to being a BLT.

I think that's
a good call.

Hey, I got you something.

Oh, my God, full size?

This is like gold
on Halloween.

I know. I saved it for you.

Why do they call
fun size "fun size"

when full size
is the fun size?

Ow!
What?

Oh, my God.

What's wrong?[both groaning]

Where'd you get this?I don't know.
I don't remember.

Oh, my God, Ben.
Oh, my God.

Hey, somebody help us!

Look, I know
I cried wolf earlier

about that whole
heart attack thing,

but my sister is bleeding
heavily from the mouth!

I think there was a
razor blade in the candy!

[laughing]

I got you.

You caught me when my guard
was down, okay? I'm vulnerable.

I was hungry.
I was super hungry.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

BJ:
And in that very moment,
the beautiful blonde queen

realized how
foolish she'd been

to tell the adorably
frumpy young scientist

that she should be
like everyone else.

And so it was,

the queen gave up her one
chance at the magic cream

and sacrificed her luminous,

dewy, flawless complexion

just so she could tell
the princess scientist

how very, very
special she is.

Why didn't the queen
just order the cream online?

I just told you, she
couldn't afford it.

If you want to be the
best princess scientist

in the land, Maddie,
you're going to need

to learn how to listen.

Okay?

Hi. Oh, excuse me.

Are you okay?
The...

Oh, no, no, that's...
it's... it was a joke.

I'm sure it was funny, but
that looks really real.

God, can you
believe this party?

I swear it's
getting louder.

Yeah, no, it's really obnoxious.
It's horrible.

Do they not think
that there are

children
in this neighborhood?

I know, right?

Mine is trying to
sleep right now.

Got to take her to my
ex-wife's tomorrow.

Probably gonna
ream me out.

[sighing]:
Oh, surprise, surprise.

It's not easy
being a single dad.

God, I'm so tired.

I'm sorry.
That got weird.

I'm Kate.

[chuckling]:
Hi... I'm Will.

Sorry.
No.

Do you think
I'm crazy

that I want to
call the cops

on these people?
No.

I've wanted to call
the cops all night.

Oh, hell, yes.

[laughing]:
Yeah.

Let me guess, uh,
Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Yeah.
[laughs]

Yeah? It's great.Yes, that's it.

Ooh, yes, hi. I would like
to... to file a complaint.

There is a very
noisy party

at, uh, 10723
Hemingway Drive.

Yeah, it's extremely loud!

Yeah.

Hell, yes, I'll hold.

It's like music has become
irrelevant, you know.

We live in, like,
a post-music world.

Hey, sorry
for not being

sober enough to stop you
from doing that cannonball

in that empty pool.

And sorry for being
the guy to say,

"Hey, Tommy, do
the cannonball."

I almost died.

That was serious.

Man,

your body is a Wonder
Ball-- or a water bra.

No-- uh, your body
is a waterfall.

Love you, too, man.

Yeah, nice.Aah, see, it's when I...

it's when I move at any moment,
it hurts.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org