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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 0 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:24,000 Subtitle By BigDaddyAman 1 00:00:25,777 --> 00:00:28,070 ( rock music playing ) 2 00:00:34,786 --> 00:00:37,246 ( birds chirping ) 3 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,836 - ( alarm buzzing ) - ♪ Sometimes ♪ 4 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:48,090 ♪ I can't help the feeling that I'm ♪ 5 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:53,304 ♪ Living a life of illusion ♪ 6 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:57,892 ♪ And oh, why can't we let it be ♪ 7 00:00:57,976 --> 00:00:59,894 ♪ And see through the hole ♪ 8 00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:02,354 ♪ In this wall of confusion? ♪ 9 00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:05,065 ( splashes ) 10 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:08,152 - ( groans ) - ( splatters ) 11 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:15,075 ( groans ) 12 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,960 ...29, 30, 31, 13 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:26,045 32, 33, 34... 14 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,714 ( squeaks ) 15 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:30,675 ♪ Pow... ♪ 16 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,511 ♪ Right between the eyes ♪ 17 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:39,433 ♪ Oh, how nature loves her little surprises ♪ 18 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:47,149 ♪ Wow, it all seems so logical now ♪ 19 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:52,697 ♪ It's just one of her better disguises ♪ 20 00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:55,825 ♪ And it comes with no warning... ♪ 21 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,661 - Hey, Andy! What's up, Dude? - Hey hey, Joe. 22 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,163 - Hey, Sarah. How are you doing? - When you gonna get a car? 23 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,667 - Hey hey-- Why don't you get a car? - I can't afford it. 24 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,544 ( both laugh ) 25 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,213 Hey, so, uh-- "Survivor" tomorrow night, are we on? 26 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,882 - See you then. - I'll bring the soda. 27 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,967 - Hey, enjoy your orange. - Okay. Take care. 28 00:02:13,051 --> 00:02:15,177 See you, bye-bye. 29 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,137 That guy needs to get laid. 30 00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,765 - ( both laugh ) - Tell me something I don't know. 31 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,658 Good morning. 32 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,372 Hello. Excuse me. 33 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:45,583 - Pardon me. - ( cars honking ) 34 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,376 Sorry. 35 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,762 Excuse me. Thank you. 36 00:03:00,098 --> 00:03:02,391 - Good morning. - Hey. 37 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,894 - Good morning, Paula. - Andy. 38 00:03:06,145 --> 00:03:08,147 Excuse me, I have a question. 39 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:11,567 What is the difference between Hi8 40 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,652 and digital video tapes? 41 00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:16,072 Um, I'm not a salesman, so I could proba-- 42 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:18,574 Welcome to Smart Tech. How can I be of service to you? 43 00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,868 Um... well, I was just wondering 44 00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:24,122 what is the difference between these. 45 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,082 Salesman: Well, if I'm photographing someone 46 00:03:26,165 --> 00:03:29,418 as fine as yourself, probably the digital. 47 00:03:31,754 --> 00:03:35,967 ♪ Hey, don't worry, I've been lied to ♪ 48 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:40,262 ♪ I've been here many times before ♪ 49 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,098 ♪ Girl, don't you worry... ♪ 50 00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,224 My God. Sorry I'm late, man. 51 00:03:44,308 --> 00:03:46,226 Oh, no problem. 52 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,604 Oh, man. 53 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,606 - I had a weekend. - Yeah? 54 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:53,442 We went to Tijuana, Mexico... 55 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,611 - Mm-hmm. - ...you know, and we-- we-we thought 56 00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,571 it'd be fun, you know, to go to this show. 57 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,907 "You gotta check out one of these shows," and you know, 58 00:03:59,991 --> 00:04:02,242 it's-- it's a woman fucking a horse. 59 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:05,454 We get there and, you know, we think it's gonna be awesome, and... 60 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:08,332 it is not as cool as it sounds it would be, man. 61 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,375 It is-- it's-- it's kind of gross. 62 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,753 - Yeah. - You think "A woman fucking a horse," 63 00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:14,546 and you get there, and it's-- 64 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,298 it's a woman fucking a horse. 65 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,843 - Yep. - It was really giving it to her. 66 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:21,637 And you know what? To be honest, I felt bad for her. 67 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,181 - We all just felt bad for her. - Yeah. 68 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,432 - Kind of felt bad for the horse. - Wow. 69 00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:27,267 - That's something. - So did you, uh... 70 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:28,936 - what did you get up to? - Um... 71 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,647 uh, you know, I just kind of hung out. 72 00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,233 I was-- God, Friday, when I went home, 73 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,485 I really wanted an egg salad sandwich, 74 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,320 and I was just obsessing about it, I was like, 75 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,739 "Man, I'm gonna make one of those," so-- 76 00:04:40,823 --> 00:04:42,700 so Saturday I went out and I got... 77 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:46,996 like a dozen eggs, I boiled them all, and then I just... 78 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:50,624 I-- I spent-- I don't know, probably three hours... 79 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,544 like three and a half hours making... 80 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,130 you know, the mayonnaise and the onions 81 00:04:56,214 --> 00:04:57,840 and paprika-- 82 00:04:57,923 --> 00:05:00,134 you know, all the accoutrements, 83 00:05:00,218 --> 00:05:02,720 and then by the time I was done, I just really didn't feel like eating it. 84 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,306 - I can imagine. - And I didn't have any bread. 85 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,600 So... you know, it was pretty good. 86 00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:11,311 - It was a good weekend. - Sounds pretty awesome. 87 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,939 - Yeah, it-- it was fine. - Sounds really fun. 88 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,817 - Cool. - Cool. 89 00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:18,861 Cool cool. 90 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:23,407 - Hey, Paula. - Yeah? 91 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,117 I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. 92 00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:28,120 Uh, for the first time, today... 93 00:05:28,204 --> 00:05:30,372 I woke up, I came to the store, 94 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,709 and I-- I feel confident to say to you 95 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,087 that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD 96 00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:38,547 that you've been playing for two years straight off, 97 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,800 I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain. 98 00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:44,553 David, what do you suggest we play? 99 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:47,056 I don't care. Anything. I would rather-- 100 00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:49,100 I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast." 101 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,393 I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours 102 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:54,772 than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, 103 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,857 but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, 104 00:05:56,941 --> 00:05:59,401 I'm going to yah mo burn this place to the ground. 105 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:02,362 You're such a smart ass! Get back on the floor. 106 00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:04,740 ♪ I'll be holding on... ♪ 107 00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:07,285 ( fakes sneeze ) Fuck you. Oh. 108 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,370 - How about Andy? - No. 109 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,039 Come on, man. We need-- what? 110 00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:14,166 --five guys to play a decent poker game, right? 111 00:06:14,250 --> 00:06:16,501 - Yeah. - If we cancel, I might have to go to some stupid-ass 112 00:06:16,585 --> 00:06:18,629 birthday party with Jill, and that ain't happening. 113 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,090 - No. - Man: Why not? 114 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:23,884 He's a really nice guy and all, but I'm pretty sure 115 00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,928 that he is a serial murderer. 116 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,931 Who cares, man? He's a nice guy. I just wanna get drunk, 117 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,016 - fucked up, and play some cards. - That's great. 118 00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,477 Look, I don't wanna end up a lamp shade in some creepy apartment, 119 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,480 - that's what I'm saying. - I don't really see any other options. 120 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,440 Andy! 121 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:40,400 My man! 122 00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:42,527 - You got any plans later on tonight? - Why? 123 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:45,030 - Do we have to unload the Sony truck? - No. 124 00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:47,616 No, the guys are getting together, we're playing some poker, 125 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,952 thought, you know, you'd wanna play. 126 00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:52,746 With you guys? 127 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:55,207 Yeah yeah, sure. That'd be cool. 128 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,251 - You know how to play, right? - Yeah. 129 00:06:57,335 --> 00:07:00,004 - I play online sometimes. - We're gonna play in the store. 130 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,673 Great. Are we allowed to do that? 131 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,383 - Absolutely not. - Yeah. 132 00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,426 Oh. Oh, well, 133 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,470 so I'm gonna go tell Paula. 134 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:11,056 I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, 135 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:13,767 that sounds great. Well, cool. I'll see you guys tonight. 136 00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:15,311 - Okay. - All right. 137 00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:17,104 - ( clangs ) - Oops. 138 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,732 - I almost feel guilty. - No, you don't. 139 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:37,166 I'm hot tonight. You're going down! 140 00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:40,544 - Going down! - You dumb ass. 141 00:07:40,627 --> 00:07:44,006 - And a full house. - ( man laughs ) Oh my God. 142 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,591 How much online poker do you play, dawg? 143 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:49,803 An hour or two a night when I'm not playing Halo. 144 00:07:49,887 --> 00:07:51,680 Where did you get this guy? 145 00:07:51,763 --> 00:07:54,308 He's a fucking ringer, man. This is hogshit! 146 00:07:54,392 --> 00:07:56,643 You! You're a fucking asshole to tell me come here, 147 00:07:56,727 --> 00:07:59,938 tell me he was a nice guy, didn't you? Motherfucker, you been playing! 148 00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:03,442 Fuck you, you and you. Fuck and kiss my big, round fucking ass, okay? 149 00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,944 - I'm gonna see you tomorrow. - Peace. 150 00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,363 - All right, man. - Fuck a goat! 151 00:08:07,446 --> 00:08:09,740 - ( all laughing ) - Good night. 152 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,284 - I love that guy. - Dude, you totally fu-- 153 00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:13,994 Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn! 154 00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:15,913 - About to go see Ellen in a little bit. - Going now? 155 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,831 - Late night action, huh? - Dude, you know how it goes. 156 00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:20,709 Your girlfriend know about all these late-night visits? 157 00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:22,878 It's like an unspoken agreement, yeah. 158 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,838 It's like a completely and utterly unspoken agreement. 159 00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,049 - ( laughs ) - If you knew her-- 160 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,385 if you knew who I was dealing with, you wouldn't be saying shit. 161 00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:31,720 There's nothing you can't do with this woman, straight up and down. 162 00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:34,765 I literally sit at home trying to think of things to do to her. 163 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,934 I'm dead serious. Sometimes, I just sit for hours 164 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,561 just staring at the sky trying to come up with something to do. 165 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,440 I even don't know if she can walk. I've never seen her standing up. 166 00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:44,233 I've only seen her on her back. 167 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,318 - Wow! - Yeah, that's sick, man. 168 00:08:46,402 --> 00:08:48,112 - Wow. - That is not sick. 169 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,239 - I will give you sick. - Oh, shit. 170 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,241 I was sleeping with a woman recently. 171 00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,076 She had-- her tits were unbelievable. 172 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:57,079 Oh, man. I love titties, so... 173 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,581 And, uh... so we're doing it, we're about to finish 174 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,500 and her dog starts licking my ass. 175 00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:04,378 - ( all laugh ) - I-I-I have to decide, 176 00:09:04,462 --> 00:09:07,465 - "Do I finish, or do I stop the dog?" - I know your nasty ass. 177 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,799 - He finished. - I finished! 178 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,176 And then I stole the dog. 179 00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:13,762 No, I didn't, but-- 180 00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:15,764 You know, sometimes Amy and I would make love-- 181 00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,975 it was almost like we weren't two people, 182 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,185 but we were two... 183 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:23,605 spirits or something. Our-- our souls were connected in this way-- 184 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,732 I can't describe it. Time stood still. 185 00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:28,110 It was like we were sharing the same heart. 186 00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:31,863 Stop! Man, why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things? 187 00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:34,032 "Sharing the same heart?" That's like some... 188 00:09:34,116 --> 00:09:36,118 Britney Spears shit, man. This is three grown ass-- 189 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,953 don't nobody wanna hear that shit! 190 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,498 Yeah, man, come on! Nobody wants to hear that shit. 191 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,417 Thank you, Andy. Dude, you-- you broke up two years ago. 192 00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:45,669 - You like get over it at some point. - Two years, man. 193 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:47,671 You need to get past that 194 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,966 because no ass is worth thinking that much about... 195 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,927 - I always say. - Andy, do me a favor? 196 00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:56,138 Will you please help him redeem himself, 197 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,140 - by telling him a real sex story? - Yes. 198 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,767 Uh... I don't-- you know what? 199 00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:03,103 I'm-I'm a gentleman and I don't-- 200 00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:05,105 you know? I don't kiss and tell. 201 00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:08,526 Fuck it. I raise you-- nastiest shit you've ever done. 202 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,611 - I'm talking about nasty. - Uh... 203 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:15,574 Wow. So many stories are running through my head right now. 204 00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,870 I dated this girl... 205 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,541 for a while, and she was really a nasty freak. 206 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,084 She just loved to get down 207 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:29,338 with sex all the time. She was like-- 208 00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:32,591 any time of day, she was like, "Yeah, let's go! 209 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:36,011 - I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her... - Oh, shit. 210 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:38,055 ...she'd be like, "Ah, you're nailing me! 211 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,057 - Cool!" - She talk dirty to you? 212 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,227 Oh, she loved to dirty-talk. 213 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,604 Totally into it. She'd be like, 214 00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:48,148 "Yeah, let's screw, 215 00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:51,569 let's-- I wanna fuck." 216 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,945 God, it was so dirty. She'd be like, 217 00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,947 ( high-pitched voice ) "Oh, me so horny. 218 00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:58,325 Me love you long time." 219 00:10:58,409 --> 00:11:00,619 - So... - Man #2: So, what are the titties like? 220 00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,120 - Yeah, describe her, uh-- - Man #2: Yeah. 221 00:11:02,204 --> 00:11:04,373 Oh, yeah, she had great tits. 222 00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,750 Oh, no no no. I mean like detail her. Did she have like-- 223 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,628 - you know them little pink teeny nipples... - Oh, yeah. 224 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,880 - ...or the long "National Geographic" nipples? - Long. 225 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,049 Did you have the bumpy brown nipple-- 226 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,385 - the Stevie Wonders? - Andy: Yeah, they were nice. 227 00:11:16,468 --> 00:11:19,679 You know, when you-- you grab a woman's breast and it's-- 228 00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:22,724 and you-- you feel it, and-- 229 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,685 it feels like a bag of sand... 230 00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:27,396 when you're touching it. 231 00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:30,274 A bag of sand? 232 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,944 You know what I mean. Why don't we just play? 233 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,238 - Why don't you just deal the cards? - Nuh-uh. 234 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,575 - What are you talking about? - Have you ever felt a breast before, man? 235 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,368 - Yes. - Dude, are you gay? 236 00:11:41,452 --> 00:11:44,622 No, I'm not gay. I've been with tons of women. 237 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,624 I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once. 238 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,584 Dude, it's not a big deal if you like to fuck guys. 239 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,752 I'm cool. I got friends that fuck guys... 240 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,004 - in jail. - No, I'm not gay. 241 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,924 No, I've borked a lot of women in my day. 242 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:58,927 - You've "borked"? - Hold on, hold on, hold on. 243 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,179 Yo, answer this question. 244 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,474 Are you a virgin? 245 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,142 Are you a virgin? 246 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,727 Y-yeah, li-- not since I was 10. 247 00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:10,439 It all makes sense! You're a virgin! 248 00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:12,107 I am n-- shut up. 249 00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,818 - How does that happen? - He's a fucking virgin. 250 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:17,154 Oh, knew it! That makes so much sense, man! 251 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,281 - He's a virgin! - You guys are hilarious. 252 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,949 All right, guys. Come on, don't be mean. 253 00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,660 I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help the-- 254 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,828 I'm trying to say I wanna get you laid, dude. 255 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:28,039 - I understand what's going on with you. - You guys are so... 256 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:30,959 - up your asses. - From now on, your dick is my dick! 257 00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:34,087 - I'm getting you some pussy. - ( men laughing ) 258 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,758 ( laughing echoing ) 259 00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:45,557 "A bag of sand"? Come on, man! 260 00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:47,351 You can do better than that! 261 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:51,229 God, "me so horny." No, me so stupid! 262 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,315 ( screaming ) 263 00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:58,654 Oh, come on! 264 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:01,657 ( laughing ) 265 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,576 It's gonna be fine. They don't even remember. 266 00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:06,953 Those guys are cool. 267 00:13:11,208 --> 00:13:14,002 ( alarm buzzing ) 268 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,171 This is gonna be bad. 269 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,178 Come on! 270 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,099 - Hey, David. - Hey, Andy. 271 00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,896 - What's up? - Cal, good morning. 272 00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,732 Yeah, man. 273 00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:39,861 - Man: Hey, Andy. - Hey. 274 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,489 We're gonna have to get you some punani. 275 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,202 Andy! It's going down, partner! 276 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,580 We're gonna be-- ( grunting ) 277 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:52,624 This for you, partner! This for you! 278 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:54,793 Waves of it coming at you on Friday, 279 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:58,547 Saturday. By Sunday your nuts going to be drained! 280 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:02,342 Andy, don't let them bother you. It's okay not to have sex. 281 00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:04,553 Not everybody is a pussy magnet. 282 00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:06,597 You, uh-- what are you? 283 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,640 - 25? - I'm 40. 284 00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:11,268 Holy shit, man, you've got to get on that. 285 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,979 Life isn't about sex. Life is about children 286 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,732 - and passion. - Yeah. 287 00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:19,568 - And spirit. - Yeah, life's about passion. 288 00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:21,945 It's not about fucking and balls and pussy. 289 00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,322 It's about love. 290 00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:27,492 It's about people. It's about connection. 291 00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:31,162 - It's all about connections. - It's not about cock and ass and tits... 292 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,081 - Mm-hmm. - ...and butthole pleasures. 293 00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,083 It's not about butthole pleasures at all. 294 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:38,086 It's not about this rusty trombone and the dirty Sanchez... 295 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:41,172 - Please stop. - ...the Cincinnati bowtie... 296 00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,883 - Mooj. - ...and your pussy-juice caulking 297 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:47,137 - and the shit-stained balls. - Mooj, just please stop. 298 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,097 - It's relax-- - All right, that's enough. 299 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:52,183 Party's over. Let the virgin get back to work. 300 00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,982 Andy! Andy, come on! 301 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,776 We were just kidding! 302 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:04,070 - Sorry. - Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin! 303 00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,823 Don't be such a baby! 304 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,325 They were just having fun! They didn't mean anything! 305 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,368 - Get away from me, David. - Wait a minute! 306 00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,120 - Stop following me! - Hold up. 307 00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:15,999 Andy: Shit. 308 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,293 - Whoa. - I'm gonna have to quit my job now. 309 00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,920 - You don't have to quit. - I don't wanna go out with you guys! 310 00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,256 - Fine. Okay. - I don't need your help! 311 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,300 All right. You don't have to go out with us if you don't want. 312 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,427 I respect women, I love women. 313 00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:30,972 I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them. 314 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,933 - Okay. - I have a very fulfilling life. 315 00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:37,646 ( tooting ) 316 00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:42,317 - ( playing continues ) - And now, I am making your silver pants blue. 317 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,653 Get some road burn, come on! 318 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:47,238 Come on, sucker! 319 00:15:47,322 --> 00:15:50,492 ♪ Yo, pretty ladies around the world ♪ 320 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,494 ♪ Got a weird thing to show you... ♪ 321 00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,330 ( laughs ) Oh my God. 322 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,875 ( tooting ) 323 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:02,045 - So how could this not have happened? - It just never happened. 324 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:05,048 When I was young... uh, I tried, 325 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,676 and it didn't happen. And uh... 326 00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:10,178 then, I got older, and I got more and more nervous 327 00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:13,181 because it hadn't happened yet, and I got-- 328 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:15,559 kind of-- weirded out about it. 329 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,311 Then it really didn't happen, and-- 330 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,522 then, I don't know. I just kind of stopped trying. 331 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,191 Do you wanna give it another shot? 332 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,318 Maybe it's too late. 333 00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:28,906 Bec-- I-- sometimes I feel that it is just too late for me. 334 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,324 Oh... no, that's cra-- that's crazy. 335 00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:34,578 You're 40 years old. You know, 40's the new 20. 336 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,663 You wanna spend the next 60 years of your life 337 00:16:36,747 --> 00:16:40,291 never experiencing sex? And not just sex, but-- but love, 338 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:42,669 and a relationship, and laughing, and-- 339 00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:45,547 and cuddling and all that shit. 340 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:48,466 I don't know, I-- 341 00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:51,553 - I wouldn't know what to do. - Look, you gotta take a risk. 342 00:16:51,636 --> 00:16:55,181 You gotta risk it. Look at me, I went out with this girl for four months, 343 00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:57,809 and it was the greatest-- 344 00:16:57,893 --> 00:17:00,228 greatest thing in my life. 345 00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:04,441 Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. 346 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,568 And you know, instead of like saying, 347 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,654 "Okay, what I am doing that caused this behavior?" 348 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,656 I dumped her. Stupid decision-- 349 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:14,284 I spent the last two years of my life regretting it. 350 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,077 Then, why don't you get her back right now? 351 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,663 Oh, 'cause she's dating this pot dealer. 352 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:20,373 It's a stupid, horrible decision. 353 00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:22,333 But hey, that's her journey, you know? 354 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:24,836 I gotta respect that. I gotta give her the space. 355 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,714 If she wants to be some immature, little bitch and blow everybody, 356 00:17:27,798 --> 00:17:29,758 that's-- that's love, man. 357 00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:32,051 - That sounds horrible. - Of course it's horrible. 358 00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:34,220 It's suffering, it's pain, and it's-- 359 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:37,181 you know, you lose weight, and you put back on weight, 360 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,267 and then you call 'em a bunch of times, 361 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,519 and you're trying to e-mail her, and then they move, 362 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:44,439 they change their e-mail, but that's just love. 363 00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:47,358 Do you realize that this is the first time we've spoken 364 00:17:47,442 --> 00:17:49,945 - for more than, like, 30 seconds? - Uh-huh. 365 00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:53,907 - God, it's kind of nice. - Come out with us this weekend. 366 00:17:53,991 --> 00:17:56,159 No pressure, we'll just have a good time. 367 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,829 Okay, yeah, I will. 368 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,831 - I'll give it a shot. - Great. 369 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,958 But I am not going to have sex with anybody. 370 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,961 Good, sex should be the last thing on your mind. 371 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,964 ( funk music playing ) 372 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,802 ♪ Hey, but what you gonna do ♪ 373 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:17,472 ♪ About that? Yeah, but what you gonna do ♪ 374 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,141 ♪ Eow, about that? ♪ 375 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:23,979 ♪ I got ants in my pants and I need to dance ♪ 376 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:26,105 ♪ Come on! ♪ 377 00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:27,858 Okay, that's not right. 378 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,276 ♪ Hey hey hey... ♪ 379 00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:35,490 Oh, come on, bus! 380 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,158 ♪ Hit me ♪ 381 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,494 ♪ Uh! Hit me ♪ 382 00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:42,664 ♪ Eow! Hit me, hey! Hit me...♪ 383 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:45,042 Oh, come on, dogs! 384 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,171 Shit, you gotta be kidding me. 385 00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:08,189 I mean, I'm kind of nervous. 386 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,025 I never had oral sex before. 387 00:19:10,108 --> 00:19:12,193 Jennifer told me how to do it. 388 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,863 It's gonna kick ass. 389 00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:21,160 - ( zipper opens ) - ( screams ) 390 00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:23,914 - You know what else is sexy? - What? 391 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,916 - Me... - Yeah? 392 00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:28,376 - ...sucking... - ( chuckles ) 393 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:31,796 ...on your... 394 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,757 - toe. - Oh, that's what you wanna suck on? 395 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:38,053 - Yeah, it's just so big and... - ( laughs ) 396 00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,555 - ...thick. - Okay. 397 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:43,224 Yeah. ( chuckles ) 398 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:45,643 - ( laughs ) - It tickles. 399 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,771 - ( screams ) - I'm sorry. 400 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,273 Oh, no no no-- I'm-- your nose is bleeding. 401 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,233 - You think? - I'm sorry. 402 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:54,027 You are terrible at this! 403 00:19:54,111 --> 00:19:55,946 You should just give up forever! ( echoing ) 404 00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:58,073 Oh God! Oh... 405 00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:00,909 G-- oh. 406 00:20:00,992 --> 00:20:04,662 - ♪ 'Cause, baby, there... ♪ - ♪ Ain't no mountain... ♪ 407 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:08,166 - Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow? - No. 408 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:12,253 - What's Curious George like in real life? - Come on, man. 409 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,255 ♪ Now to the beat, jump-jump on the dick ♪ 410 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,466 ♪ Don't eat, suck-suck on the clit ♪ 411 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,302 ♪ That's right, jump-jump on the dick ♪ 412 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,471 ♪ All night, suck-suck on the clit... ♪ 413 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,182 Wow, this is, uh, pretty crowded. 414 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:27,978 Yeah, well, it's nine dollar beer night. 415 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:31,815 Okay, look here. So this is what's about to happen, a'ight? 416 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,776 You're about to go run down some drunk chicks, a'ight? 417 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:37,278 Don't confuse that with tipsy. We're talking about drunk. 418 00:20:37,361 --> 00:20:39,280 I want vomit in the hair, bruised-up knees-- 419 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:42,200 a broken heel is a plus. That's what you wanna find, okay? 420 00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:44,285 - If things-- - No, Dave already told me 421 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:46,370 I didn't have to have sex tonight. And now he's gone, so... 422 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,456 Dude, stop thinking for a minute, a'ight? 423 00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,208 - You ain't got the think on this one. - Yeah? 424 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:51,960 All you got to do is use your instinct. 425 00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:54,754 How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? 426 00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:57,882 It's written. It's a code written in his DNA. 427 00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,926 - It says "Tackle the gazelle." - Okay. 428 00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:02,053 And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written 429 00:21:02,137 --> 00:21:04,305 that says "Tackle drunk bitches." 430 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,307 N-- oh God, you know what? 431 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:09,853 - I don't feel comfortable... - ( blows raspberry ) 432 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:13,148 ...hitting on drunk bitches. You know, I don't think that's right. 433 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:15,274 Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Now, first of all, 434 00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,527 you making it up to be some kind of bad thing. 435 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,612 I didn't use "bitches" in the derogatory sense you did. 436 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:22,157 It just doesn't-- this doesn't feel right. 437 00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,118 Of course, it don't feel right. What has felt right for you doesn't work. 438 00:21:25,202 --> 00:21:27,411 You need to try some wrong, dawg. 439 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,958 Okay, how do... I tell which ones are drunk? 440 00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,422 So we just decided-- because this is my last night 441 00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:41,009 as a free woman before I marry Dan-- 442 00:21:41,092 --> 00:21:44,762 that we would just wig out! We're wigging out! 443 00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:49,100 You guys are hilarious. 444 00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:52,770 Whoa whoa whoa! Wait a minute. Yes yes, Mr. President? 445 00:21:52,854 --> 00:21:55,232 Yes yes, the election results are in. 446 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:58,985 Hey, guys, look. It's Dr. Seuss' penis. 447 00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:01,238 I really mean this. 448 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,241 Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake? 449 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,576 - I do. - She does. 450 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:09,746 Hey, you guys, Betty "Cocker." 451 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,206 ( all laugh ) 452 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:13,708 What a good guy. What a-- Dan, 453 00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,710 the guy Robin's marrying, 454 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:18,171 is such a good guy. 455 00:22:18,255 --> 00:22:19,923 - He sounds like a good guy. - Oh. 456 00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:22,466 I hated him like for two years 'cause he cheated on me. 457 00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:24,928 - Oh. - But... 458 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:26,804 ( moans ) 459 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:29,348 he's really changed now. 460 00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:31,893 He's a really good guy now. 461 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:35,939 - Your friend seemed nice. - You have really kind eyes, you know that? 462 00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:38,066 Thanks, um... 463 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:40,277 your hat has sequins. 464 00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,822 ( both moan ) 465 00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:49,493 Mmm. Whoo. 466 00:22:53,706 --> 00:22:56,000 - You have your hands on my belt. - What? 467 00:22:56,084 --> 00:22:58,128 - Your hands are on my belt. - I'm sorry. 468 00:22:58,211 --> 00:23:01,505 - No, that's good. - You're cute. 469 00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:04,467 This is kind of lame. You wanna get out of here? 470 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:07,762 - Okay, yeah, so... ahem. - ( giggles ) 471 00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:08,763 Mmm. 472 00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:11,849 - Mmm. Man! Fuck! - Yeah. 473 00:23:11,933 --> 00:23:13,935 - Come on. - Okay. 474 00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:15,895 ♪ I said it before, I'll tell you again ♪ 475 00:23:15,979 --> 00:23:19,232 ♪ Have you wishing I was your girlfriend... ♪ 476 00:23:19,316 --> 00:23:21,818 - You wanna drive? - I don't-- um... 477 00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:24,403 - have a car with me here, so... - Oh, that's cool, 478 00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:27,115 I'll just suck it up! 479 00:23:27,198 --> 00:23:29,117 - I'm driving. - ( beeps ) 480 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,036 - Are you drunk? - No, I didn't have anything to drink. 481 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:35,039 - Blow into this? - Oh, okay. ( laughs ) 482 00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:39,169 ( beeps ) 483 00:23:39,252 --> 00:23:41,921 - What is this? - Oh, the judge 484 00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:44,048 recommended I get one. 485 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:46,301 - ( engine starts ) - ( hip-hop music playing ) 486 00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:53,391 Whoa, okay! Wow, that's fast. 487 00:23:53,474 --> 00:23:56,435 - ♪ Gimme some new shit... ♪ - Okay. 488 00:23:56,519 --> 00:23:59,105 Com on, you're on the lasso! 489 00:23:59,189 --> 00:24:01,191 ( tires screeching ) 490 00:24:01,274 --> 00:24:03,985 ♪ Missy be putting it down, I'm the hottest around ♪ 491 00:24:04,068 --> 00:24:06,654 ♪ I told y'all mother-- ah! Y'all can't stop me now ♪ 492 00:24:06,737 --> 00:24:09,157 ♪ Listen to me now, I'm lasting 20 rounds ♪ 493 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,867 ♪ And if you want me, nigga ♪ 494 00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:13,452 ♪ Then come on, get me now, is you with me now? ♪ 495 00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:16,622 And Pam's like, "You are such a b-i-t-c-h-- 496 00:24:16,706 --> 00:24:18,375 - bitch!" - ( tires screeching ) 497 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:21,169 And I'm like, "You're the bitch, bitch!" 498 00:24:21,252 --> 00:24:23,046 - You know? - Uh-huh, yeah. 499 00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:25,340 What was your name again? 500 00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:26,549 - Andy. - Andy. 501 00:24:26,632 --> 00:24:28,634 Let me tell you something, Andy. 502 00:24:28,718 --> 00:24:31,595 Don't ever be named "Dan." 503 00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:34,182 Dan rhymes with man, and men jerk off, 504 00:24:34,265 --> 00:24:35,892 and he was a jerk-off. 505 00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,685 - Do you know what I mean? - Yo, look out! 506 00:24:37,768 --> 00:24:38,936 - Andy: God! - ( tires screech ) 507 00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:41,272 - Andy: Wow, um... - I like you. 508 00:24:41,356 --> 00:24:44,942 I like you. You're not a jac-- 509 00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:47,404 Ooh, ah. Ech. 510 00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:50,698 I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich or something. 511 00:24:50,781 --> 00:24:53,034 - ♪ What da dilly yo, now what da drilly yo... ♪ - You're cute. 512 00:24:53,117 --> 00:24:54,702 - No! - ( tires screeching ) 513 00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:56,620 ♪ Let me know ♪ 514 00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:59,123 ♪ Got to feel it, son, I know you feel me now... ♪ 515 00:24:59,207 --> 00:25:01,584 - ( gasps ) - Hmm, that tasted good. 516 00:25:01,667 --> 00:25:04,754 Oh, that tasted like shellfish. 517 00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:07,382 Look out! Oh! Sorry! 518 00:25:07,465 --> 00:25:09,675 - Oh! Watch it! - ( cars honking ) 519 00:25:09,759 --> 00:25:12,220 - Am I gonna die? - ( tires screeching ) 520 00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,889 - Do you think I'm pretty? - Oh, yes. 521 00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:17,058 Yo, a car! Yes, a car! 522 00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:19,436 - Oh! - You're not looking at me. 523 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:21,396 - Yes, you're pretty. - You're not looking at me. 524 00:25:21,479 --> 00:25:23,231 - Yes, you're pretty. - Do you think I'm pretty? 525 00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:24,899 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Look at me. Look at me! 526 00:25:24,982 --> 00:25:26,401 - ( yelling ) Look at me! - I'm looking. 527 00:25:26,484 --> 00:25:28,194 You're pretty! you're pretty! 528 00:25:28,278 --> 00:25:30,947 ( hysterically ) God, I just wanna live! 529 00:25:32,323 --> 00:25:34,700 God, I hope I get my period soon. 530 00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:37,661 I am in a bad mood. 531 00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:40,831 - Okay. - I'm so tired. 532 00:25:40,915 --> 00:25:43,084 Hey. Hey! 533 00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:46,170 Whoa! No! No! Oh God! Out of the way! 534 00:25:46,254 --> 00:25:47,880 - Oh! - Hey! 535 00:25:47,964 --> 00:25:51,008 Get off the wheel. Jeez. 536 00:25:51,092 --> 00:25:53,761 You're not gonna get in my pants acting like that. 537 00:25:53,844 --> 00:25:56,013 I'm starving! 538 00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:58,099 Let's get some fucking French toast! 539 00:25:58,182 --> 00:25:59,934 ( screeching ) 540 00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:02,103 Okay, here we are. 541 00:26:02,186 --> 00:26:03,854 Oh God, we made it! 542 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:06,941 - Woman: Home sweet home. - Yay. 543 00:26:07,024 --> 00:26:09,944 - Oh! Mommy! - ( screams ) 544 00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:13,156 ( pants ) Are you okay? 545 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:16,117 - That fucker came out of nowhere! - Oh. 546 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:20,788 - Okay. Okay. - ( laughing ) 547 00:26:20,871 --> 00:26:24,125 Are you-- are you okay? 548 00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:27,044 - ( sobs ) - Whoa-- are you-- what's the matter? 549 00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:35,970 - I'm sorry. - Oh, that's okay. 550 00:26:36,053 --> 00:26:38,515 I think I kind of had that coming. 551 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,683 I'll still have sex with you, if you want. 552 00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:43,520 You know what? I think I'm gonna pass on the sex, if you don't mind. 553 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:46,189 At least I don't have to work out tomorrow. 554 00:26:47,357 --> 00:26:48,649 Did you have a daiquiri tonight? 555 00:26:48,732 --> 00:26:50,360 - Yeah. - I thought you might. 556 00:26:50,443 --> 00:26:53,279 It was a very bad night. 557 00:26:53,363 --> 00:26:55,323 - Whoo-ah! - Yeah, laugh. 558 00:26:55,406 --> 00:26:57,741 You know what? You guys wouldn't be laughing right now 559 00:26:57,825 --> 00:27:01,371 if some girl had just vomited shellfish sandwich into your mouth! 560 00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:03,998 - ( grunts ) - You know what? You're right, it's my bad. 561 00:27:04,081 --> 00:27:06,501 Let me apologize to you first of all 562 00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:08,169 for not mentioning in detail 563 00:27:08,252 --> 00:27:10,421 that when you pick up a drunk woman 564 00:27:10,505 --> 00:27:13,007 who's falling down on her way out of the bar 565 00:27:13,090 --> 00:27:14,675 that you should probably drive. 566 00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:16,010 I drive a bike. 567 00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:17,887 Okay, Mr. Schwinn- fucking-Armstrong, 568 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,139 who asked you to drive a bike? 569 00:27:20,223 --> 00:27:22,850 You know what? I'm not the only person in the world who rides a bike. 570 00:27:22,933 --> 00:27:25,811 Yeah, everyone rides a bike-- when they're fucking six. 571 00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:28,022 Why don't you kiss something? 572 00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:30,983 Because this-- this is over you guys, okay? 573 00:27:31,067 --> 00:27:32,902 Can I just interject for a second? 574 00:27:32,985 --> 00:27:35,696 Let me just say, you are-- you are putting the pussy 575 00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:38,324 up on this pedestal. You're just building the pussy up. 576 00:27:38,408 --> 00:27:40,034 What are even talking about? 577 00:27:40,117 --> 00:27:41,869 "Building the pussy up." What does that mean? 578 00:27:41,952 --> 00:27:44,663 You're making the pussy into this great big 579 00:27:44,747 --> 00:27:46,749 Greek goddess named Pussalia, 580 00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:49,460 and what you're doing is, you're psyching yourself 581 00:27:49,544 --> 00:27:51,754 into thinking it's some impossible feat. 582 00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:54,798 Yeah, I think you're right. I'm putting the pussy up on a pedestal. 583 00:27:54,882 --> 00:27:58,261 - Right. - That's it. It's Pussalia, right? 584 00:27:58,344 --> 00:28:00,888 - Look where you going. - I don't want to say the word anymore. 585 00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:03,516 - Say what word? - Pussy. I don't want to say it. 586 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,476 Pussy is a scientific word. 587 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:08,062 Dude! New pants, man! 588 00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:11,649 You know what, Dave? You said there wasn't going to be any pressure. 589 00:28:11,774 --> 00:28:13,568 - We're not pressuring you. - Excuse me. 590 00:28:13,651 --> 00:28:15,236 Can one of you guys help me please? 591 00:28:15,319 --> 00:28:18,072 - No hablo English, lady. - Oh. 592 00:28:18,155 --> 00:28:20,324 I actually am helping a customer right now. 593 00:28:20,408 --> 00:28:22,910 - Okay, well, um... - I'm on break, 594 00:28:22,993 --> 00:28:26,247 but our stock supervisor is very knowledgeable. 595 00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:28,707 He can answer all your questions and he'd love to help you. 596 00:28:28,791 --> 00:28:30,918 - Oh, thank you. You too. - Have a nice day. 597 00:28:31,001 --> 00:28:34,338 Uh, great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish. 598 00:28:34,422 --> 00:28:36,799 Hi. Andy...is my name. 599 00:28:36,882 --> 00:28:38,468 This one looks pretty good. 600 00:28:38,551 --> 00:28:40,761 - You don't want to buy that VCR. - I don't? 601 00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:42,888 No, actually to be totally honest with you, 602 00:28:42,972 --> 00:28:45,849 you don't want to buy any VCR. It's a dead technology. 603 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:49,103 - It's, you know, like getting... - What the hell? 604 00:28:49,186 --> 00:28:51,105 - ...an 8-track player... - Yeah. 605 00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:54,651 or a beta-max. Actually I'd recommend this one. 606 00:28:54,733 --> 00:28:59,071 This is a dual. You've got the VCR and DVD combo. 607 00:28:59,155 --> 00:29:03,117 So, you know, that technology will probably be pretty good for-- 608 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,869 - Six months or so? That's good. - Yeah. 609 00:29:05,953 --> 00:29:08,080 At best. Sorry. 610 00:29:08,164 --> 00:29:10,583 - No no no. - This is as good as it gets. 611 00:29:10,667 --> 00:29:12,418 - Okay, that sounds good then. - Okay. 612 00:29:12,502 --> 00:29:14,795 - Excusa, por favor. - Oh, sorry. 613 00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,507 Coming through. Muchas gracias. 614 00:29:17,590 --> 00:29:20,884 God, you know, it's so funny. I work right across the street, 615 00:29:20,968 --> 00:29:23,804 - and I've never been in this place. - Oh, really? Where at? 616 00:29:23,887 --> 00:29:25,598 The We Sell Your Stuff On eBay store. 617 00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:28,767 Oh, that's the name? 618 00:29:28,851 --> 00:29:31,312 Yeah. Yeah, I was looking for something... 619 00:29:31,395 --> 00:29:34,231 you know, obvious, so I chose that. 620 00:29:34,315 --> 00:29:37,318 I don't understand. So what-- you do what? 621 00:29:37,401 --> 00:29:38,986 I take the stuff that you don't want, 622 00:29:39,069 --> 00:29:40,904 and then I "sell it" on eBay. 623 00:29:40,988 --> 00:29:44,200 But you don't actually sell anything in the store? 624 00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:46,494 No no, I don't. 625 00:29:46,577 --> 00:29:48,329 So why do you have a store? 626 00:29:48,412 --> 00:29:50,581 ( laughs ) I don't know. 627 00:29:50,665 --> 00:29:53,834 No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional 628 00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,879 and not like a crazy person who's just going to steal all your shit. 629 00:29:56,962 --> 00:29:59,465 Sure. I didn't mean anything by that. 630 00:29:59,549 --> 00:30:01,676 No no, it's okay. You know what? 631 00:30:01,759 --> 00:30:04,011 You should come by sometime if you want, you know? 632 00:30:04,094 --> 00:30:06,222 - All right, I'll-- - See for yourself. Check it out. 633 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:08,182 I'll check out your empty store. 634 00:30:08,265 --> 00:30:10,768 Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty. 635 00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:12,687 ( laughs ) 636 00:30:12,770 --> 00:30:15,356 - Here's my number, so... - All right. 637 00:30:15,439 --> 00:30:17,483 So just any time. 638 00:30:17,567 --> 00:30:20,403 Why do I need your number if you're across the street? 639 00:30:20,486 --> 00:30:22,279 Um... 640 00:30:22,363 --> 00:30:24,657 I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy. 641 00:30:24,741 --> 00:30:27,201 - Sorry. - I'm just giving it to you. 642 00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:30,287 So I'll write you up and meet you over at the register. 643 00:30:30,371 --> 00:30:32,456 - Okay. - Check you out-- check out. 644 00:30:32,540 --> 00:30:34,375 - See you over there, okay. - Okay. 645 00:30:34,458 --> 00:30:37,378 - Awful chatty. - Hey, that-- I-- 646 00:30:37,461 --> 00:30:39,589 look, I think she gave me her number. 647 00:30:39,672 --> 00:30:42,258 I mean, she wrote down her number, but I think she gave me her number. 648 00:30:42,341 --> 00:30:44,385 Oh no, she gave you-- dude, see? 649 00:30:44,468 --> 00:30:46,429 - You still mad at me? - I was never mad. 650 00:30:46,512 --> 00:30:48,889 See what I mean? We gonna celebrate, man! 651 00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,767 - This is pretty cool. - Yeah! 652 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:54,228 Give him some credit, man. The man pulled a number. 653 00:30:54,311 --> 00:30:56,897 It's just, I was-- I can't believe that happened. 654 00:30:56,980 --> 00:31:00,568 - What you did was you zoned in. - She just gave me her number. 655 00:31:00,651 --> 00:31:03,028 That's great, man. I'm telling you 656 00:31:03,112 --> 00:31:06,115 - love is a mysterious fig. - It is. 657 00:31:06,198 --> 00:31:09,493 Okay, here's a question. When should I call her? 658 00:31:09,577 --> 00:31:12,329 You like her? Yeah, you definitely don't want to call her. 659 00:31:12,413 --> 00:31:14,498 When is the next Olympics? 660 00:31:14,582 --> 00:31:17,585 What you just got to do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats, 661 00:31:17,668 --> 00:31:20,379 run through them. Just knock them out-- boom boom boom. 662 00:31:20,463 --> 00:31:23,090 And once you've done slayed like 20-30 of them hood rats, 663 00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:25,802 now you're ready to go up to the upper-echelon-type ho. 664 00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,595 - You know what I mean? - I'm not a big ho runner. 665 00:31:27,678 --> 00:31:29,930 My uncle used to drive a ho runner. 666 00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:32,057 Screw these analogies. What he's saying is 667 00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:34,143 you are going to be so bad at sex the first time 668 00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:36,103 you don't want to have sex with someone you like, 669 00:31:36,186 --> 00:31:38,272 because they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it. 670 00:31:38,355 --> 00:31:40,524 You want to have sex with "hood rats" first 671 00:31:40,608 --> 00:31:43,944 so that by the time you get to the girl you do like, you're not terrible at sex, 672 00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:46,196 you'll be mediocre at it. 673 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,365 Probably still pretty bad, though. 674 00:31:48,449 --> 00:31:50,409 Put it up for my man for pulling that number. 675 00:31:50,493 --> 00:31:52,703 - Way to go, man. - Politicked his ass off. 676 00:31:52,787 --> 00:31:55,038 - He did politick. - Thanks a lot. 677 00:31:55,122 --> 00:31:57,291 Like a train, around the bend. You ready? 678 00:32:07,551 --> 00:32:09,846 ( coughs ) 679 00:32:29,740 --> 00:32:31,534 ( coughs ) 680 00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:33,076 Yeah! 681 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,620 - I can't. - Do it. 682 00:32:34,704 --> 00:32:36,664 - I can't pee in public! - Gotta do it. 683 00:32:36,747 --> 00:32:38,999 - I've got a mental block about it. - Come on, do it. 684 00:32:39,082 --> 00:32:42,169 ( yells ) I'm shy! 685 00:32:42,252 --> 00:32:44,755 ( screams ) 686 00:32:44,839 --> 00:32:48,384 I'm peeing in public! 687 00:32:48,467 --> 00:32:50,969 - Let me out! - I can't hear what you're saying. 688 00:32:51,053 --> 00:32:53,972 - I don't want to be in here! - It's a sound-proof room. 689 00:32:54,056 --> 00:32:56,975 - Learn his techniques. - Right on, man. 690 00:32:57,059 --> 00:32:59,729 You guys, this is not funny! 691 00:33:11,615 --> 00:33:13,200 ( sighs ) 692 00:33:26,463 --> 00:33:28,925 ( phone ringing ) 693 00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:33,763 - Hello. - ( groans ) 694 00:33:39,017 --> 00:33:41,228 - Hey, what you watching? - "Dawn of the Dead," man. 695 00:33:41,311 --> 00:33:44,607 - Great. - Store is slow, Paula's gone. 696 00:33:44,690 --> 00:33:46,943 - Is Paula back? - No no, she's not here. 697 00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:49,403 She said we can't watch this in here. You sure? 698 00:33:49,486 --> 00:33:51,488 Can I ask you something in confidence? 699 00:33:51,572 --> 00:33:53,574 I know this is gonna sound weird, um... 700 00:33:53,657 --> 00:33:55,492 am I good looking? 701 00:33:55,576 --> 00:33:58,287 Do you think a woman would find me attractive? 702 00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:00,581 Oh my God! 703 00:34:00,664 --> 00:34:02,583 Oh my God, the blood just squ-- 704 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:05,085 - Okay, never mind. - Whoa, wait wait, Andy. Andy, hold up. 705 00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:07,838 This is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about. 706 00:34:07,922 --> 00:34:09,966 - Are you ready for my honest answer? - Yes. 707 00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:13,886 Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat. 708 00:34:13,970 --> 00:34:17,097 I don't think that anybody knows it, and I don't think anybody can see it. 709 00:34:17,180 --> 00:34:21,018 That's why I'm asking you. You seem really well groomed and really put together. 710 00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:23,729 I mean, look dude, you think this was an accident? 711 00:34:23,813 --> 00:34:26,607 - ( chuckles ) - All of this right here? Premeditated, partner. 712 00:34:26,690 --> 00:34:29,944 You got to highlight your attributes. You're like a diamond in the rough. 713 00:34:30,027 --> 00:34:32,947 - You willing to make some sacrifices? - Absolutely. 714 00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:35,825 See that whole "Teen Wolf" thing you got going right there? 715 00:34:35,908 --> 00:34:37,952 Just need to wax that right out, boom. 716 00:34:38,035 --> 00:34:40,370 - Does it hurt? - No, waxing don't hurt. 717 00:34:40,454 --> 00:34:43,123 I mean, not unless you're a bitch, you know what I mean? Didn't hurt me. 718 00:34:43,206 --> 00:34:45,584 I get it done all the time. What the fuck?! 719 00:34:45,668 --> 00:34:48,462 Oh! ( laughs ) 720 00:34:48,545 --> 00:34:51,007 Fuck that nigga up! 721 00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:54,301 Bitch, get out the room! Bitch, get out the room! 722 00:34:56,428 --> 00:34:58,388 No, it's gonna be good. It's gonna be good. 723 00:34:58,472 --> 00:35:01,558 - This is the one right here. - Hi, how are you? 724 00:35:01,642 --> 00:35:03,769 So this is your first time getting body wax? 725 00:35:03,853 --> 00:35:05,729 - Yes yes, it is. - Take off your shirt. 726 00:35:05,813 --> 00:35:07,982 Okay. 727 00:35:09,942 --> 00:35:12,361 Oh, we're gonna need more wax! 728 00:35:12,444 --> 00:35:14,697 I'm staying. This is gonna be good. 729 00:35:14,780 --> 00:35:17,992 And clear all my appointments in the afternoon! 730 00:35:18,075 --> 00:35:19,660 Here we go. 731 00:35:19,743 --> 00:35:21,745 Oh, that feels warm. 732 00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:28,752 Dave: I like your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck? 733 00:35:28,836 --> 00:35:33,131 Cal: If she starts doing his pubes, I'm out of here. 734 00:35:33,215 --> 00:35:35,217 Jay: You're gonna look good after this, man. 735 00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:37,553 - Thanks, man. - So, ready? 736 00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:39,513 Yeah. 737 00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,807 Ich, ni, san. 738 00:35:41,891 --> 00:35:45,519 ( groans ) You fucker! 739 00:35:45,602 --> 00:35:47,980 Oh! I'm sorry. 740 00:35:48,064 --> 00:35:49,690 I'm sorry. That's just your job. 741 00:35:49,773 --> 00:35:52,026 - Do you want to stop now? - No no no no. 742 00:35:52,109 --> 00:35:54,111 - I'm sorry. - It's okay. 743 00:35:54,194 --> 00:35:55,863 ( whimpers ) Let's do another. 744 00:35:55,946 --> 00:35:57,781 That one little patch looks sexy, though. 745 00:35:57,865 --> 00:36:00,117 - Does it look good? - Cal: Yeah, it looks really good. 746 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,953 - ( groaning ) - Dave: It looks man-tastic. 747 00:36:04,663 --> 00:36:06,540 Andy: Okay. 748 00:36:06,623 --> 00:36:09,167 Whoo, wow. I didn't expect that at all. 749 00:36:09,251 --> 00:36:11,336 I really didn't expect that. 750 00:36:11,420 --> 00:36:14,381 Jay: You got it. The first one's the only one that hurts. 751 00:36:14,464 --> 00:36:16,466 Yeah, well those hairs are pretty deep. 752 00:36:16,550 --> 00:36:18,677 - Okay. - You ready? 753 00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:21,055 - Yup. - Ich, ni, san. 754 00:36:21,138 --> 00:36:25,142 ( yelling ) Cocksucker motherfucker! 755 00:36:25,225 --> 00:36:28,228 You shithead! Oh, I hate you! 756 00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:30,564 I hate you so much! 757 00:36:30,647 --> 00:36:32,399 That one hurt. 758 00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:34,568 That one hurt just as much as the first one. 759 00:36:34,651 --> 00:36:36,570 - That's great, man. - Andy: Man! 760 00:36:36,653 --> 00:36:38,572 ( breathing heavily ) 761 00:36:38,655 --> 00:36:41,742 One, two, three. 762 00:36:41,825 --> 00:36:46,329 ( screaming ) Fuck me 763 00:36:46,413 --> 00:36:49,959 in the asshole! 764 00:36:50,042 --> 00:36:52,962 - Wow-wee! - I'm sorry. 765 00:36:53,045 --> 00:36:55,131 I'm sorry. I really don't swear this much. 766 00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,507 You know what? I got a weak stomach, that's all I can take. 767 00:36:57,591 --> 00:36:59,176 - I'll se y'all. - Jay? Jay? 768 00:36:59,259 --> 00:37:00,844 Be tough, Andy! You got it! 769 00:37:00,928 --> 00:37:02,846 - Where did Jay go? - Dave: He went to throw up. 770 00:37:02,930 --> 00:37:04,306 - Ready? - Yup. 771 00:37:04,389 --> 00:37:07,267 - One, two... - ( all gasp ) 772 00:37:07,350 --> 00:37:09,853 Cocksucker Motherfucker! 773 00:37:09,937 --> 00:37:12,272 You pulled on two! You pulled on two! 774 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:14,191 Why didn't you pull on three? 775 00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:17,194 Sweaty pie-hole! Cómo se llama? 776 00:37:17,277 --> 00:37:19,279 Oh, Kelly Clarkson! 777 00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:21,323 And three! 778 00:37:24,493 --> 00:37:26,620 - Y'all done? - ( Andy screams ) 779 00:37:26,703 --> 00:37:28,872 - That's fucked up. Oh, that's fucked up. - Andy: Shit! balls! 780 00:37:28,956 --> 00:37:31,792 - Two. - ( screams ) 781 00:37:31,875 --> 00:37:33,585 I hate you! 782 00:37:33,669 --> 00:37:36,338 I hate you! Stop smiling, you jerk! 783 00:37:36,421 --> 00:37:38,924 - You pussy. - Oh God! 784 00:37:39,008 --> 00:37:41,885 What's next? Oh, you're doing the nipple. 785 00:37:41,969 --> 00:37:43,929 - Oh, not the nipple. - Not the nipple. 786 00:37:44,013 --> 00:37:46,015 Please, Cal, hold my hand. 787 00:37:46,098 --> 00:37:49,726 - You kidding me, man? - Hold my goddamn hand, man! 788 00:37:49,810 --> 00:37:52,146 Do it! Just hol-- okay, here we go. 789 00:37:52,229 --> 00:37:54,231 - ( grunting ) - Ready? 790 00:37:54,314 --> 00:37:56,566 Oh no. Yup. Yup. 791 00:37:56,650 --> 00:37:58,944 One, two, three. 792 00:37:59,028 --> 00:38:01,738 ( screams ) Oh nipple fuck! 793 00:38:01,822 --> 00:38:05,325 Oh, Mika, you should burn in hell! 794 00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:08,204 Okay, all right. No seriously, I think I'm done. 795 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,914 I think we're done. I think that's good. 796 00:38:10,998 --> 00:38:12,708 ( pants ) 797 00:38:12,791 --> 00:38:14,334 You know what, guys? 798 00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:16,837 This is not a good look for me! 799 00:38:16,920 --> 00:38:18,672 You look like a man-o-lantern. 800 00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:21,258 - Thank you very much. I appreciate it. - Thank you. 801 00:38:36,273 --> 00:38:37,691 ( yells ) 802 00:38:39,776 --> 00:38:43,321 - Can you get-- thank you very much. - Woman: Thank you. 803 00:38:43,405 --> 00:38:46,867 Andy, I owe you an apology, man. 804 00:38:46,950 --> 00:38:48,869 I wasn't very nice to you for the past 805 00:38:48,952 --> 00:38:51,080 - like two and a half years. - You were nice to me. 806 00:38:51,163 --> 00:38:53,540 No, I wasn't. I thought you were really boring 807 00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:56,210 and I kind of thought you were a serial killer. 808 00:38:56,293 --> 00:38:58,503 - ( laughs ) - I'm not joking. 809 00:38:58,587 --> 00:39:02,049 Look, you shouldn't listen to Dave and Jay, okay? 810 00:39:02,132 --> 00:39:04,509 Those guys are crazy. You should listen to me. 811 00:39:04,593 --> 00:39:07,387 Okay, look, there's a hot-ass girl 812 00:39:07,470 --> 00:39:09,265 who works right there. There she is, in the bookstore. 813 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:10,640 You should ask her out, man. 814 00:39:13,435 --> 00:39:15,729 There's something wrong with her underpants. 815 00:39:15,812 --> 00:39:20,067 - Cal: Yeah, they're not in my mouth. - You know, I kind of... 816 00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:22,278 like the woman from the eBay store. 817 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,905 That's great, but you're not gonna get with anyone 818 00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:26,698 unless you play the odds on this, man. 819 00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:28,450 You need to plant a lot of seeds. 820 00:39:28,533 --> 00:39:30,702 It's like this, when I was growing pot 821 00:39:30,786 --> 00:39:34,331 - I realized that the more... - Thank you. 822 00:39:34,414 --> 00:39:38,085 ...seeds I planted the more pot I could ultimately smoke. 823 00:39:38,168 --> 00:39:41,630 I think I have all the advice that I can handle right now. 824 00:39:41,713 --> 00:39:43,423 - Don't get bitter. - I'm not bitter! 825 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,634 I almost lost a nipple, okay? 826 00:39:45,717 --> 00:39:47,677 The problem most men have is 827 00:39:47,761 --> 00:39:51,223 they just plain, straight-up have no clue how to talk to women. 828 00:39:51,307 --> 00:39:54,768 You just ask questions, okay? That's it. 829 00:39:54,851 --> 00:39:57,020 Because women do not care 830 00:39:57,104 --> 00:39:59,439 about what you have to say at all anyway, you know? 831 00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,524 And all they want to do is talk about themselves. 832 00:40:01,608 --> 00:40:03,819 So you're just gonna let them do that, okay? 833 00:40:03,902 --> 00:40:06,863 So remember: Questions, be cool 834 00:40:06,947 --> 00:40:08,615 and be kind of a dick. 835 00:40:08,698 --> 00:40:11,785 Here, be David Caruso in "Jade." 836 00:40:11,868 --> 00:40:14,079 Okay, I know exactly what you're talking about. 837 00:40:14,163 --> 00:40:15,831 You do? That's good. 838 00:40:17,540 --> 00:40:19,542 Cal: Oh, there she is. 839 00:40:21,670 --> 00:40:23,797 Go plant that seed, man. 840 00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:25,966 Plant it with your finger. 841 00:40:37,602 --> 00:40:39,188 Can I help you? 842 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:44,151 I don't know, can you? 843 00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:46,653 Are you looking for something? 844 00:40:48,030 --> 00:40:50,866 Is there something I should be looking for? 845 00:40:52,034 --> 00:40:54,494 ( laughs ) Um... 846 00:40:54,577 --> 00:40:57,164 well, we have a lot of books, 847 00:40:57,247 --> 00:41:00,583 so maybe it depends on what you like. 848 00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:06,464 What-- what do you like? 849 00:41:06,548 --> 00:41:10,093 We have a great, um, section 850 00:41:10,177 --> 00:41:12,637 of do-it-yourself. 851 00:41:12,721 --> 00:41:14,806 Do you like to do-it-yourself? 852 00:41:14,890 --> 00:41:17,351 Sometimes. ( giggles ) 853 00:41:17,434 --> 00:41:19,936 I mean, if the... 854 00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:22,856 mood strikes. 855 00:41:22,939 --> 00:41:25,359 How is the mood striking you now? 856 00:41:25,442 --> 00:41:27,652 ( both laughing ) 857 00:41:32,241 --> 00:41:34,076 What's your name? 858 00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:35,660 What's your name? 859 00:41:35,744 --> 00:41:38,496 I'm, uh, Beth. 860 00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:42,834 Andy. 861 00:41:42,918 --> 00:41:44,794 Andy? 862 00:41:46,546 --> 00:41:48,465 Don't tell on me, okay, Andy? 863 00:41:48,548 --> 00:41:50,675 I won't. 864 00:41:50,759 --> 00:41:53,678 Unless you want to be told on... 865 00:41:53,762 --> 00:41:55,222 Beth. 866 00:41:55,305 --> 00:41:58,058 ( giggles ) 867 00:41:58,141 --> 00:42:01,561 Wow, that totally worked! I literally said nothing and she found me fascinating. 868 00:42:01,644 --> 00:42:04,522 - I would have thought you were doing that for years. - Should I have asked her out? 869 00:42:04,606 --> 00:42:07,192 No, that's the key. You wait for her to grow into a plant 870 00:42:07,276 --> 00:42:08,902 and then you fuck the plant. 871 00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:15,742 Okay. This is easy. 872 00:42:16,868 --> 00:42:18,828 All right. All right. 873 00:42:18,912 --> 00:42:20,456 Hello, Trish. How you doing? 874 00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:23,041 What's going on? ( laughs ) 875 00:42:23,125 --> 00:42:26,128 Good joke. Oh, this is a fun conversation. 876 00:42:26,211 --> 00:42:28,630 Just grow a backbone and call her. 877 00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:31,425 She asked you to call her. She wants you to call her. 878 00:42:34,470 --> 00:42:36,846 - ( line ringing ) - ( breathes deep ) 879 00:42:36,930 --> 00:42:39,099 - ( phone ringing ) - Hello. 880 00:42:39,182 --> 00:42:40,976 Hey, how you doing? 881 00:42:41,059 --> 00:42:44,980 - Um, how you doing? - I'm well. 882 00:42:45,063 --> 00:42:46,982 Who is this? 883 00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:49,109 This is James. 884 00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:52,028 - James? Do I know you, James? - ( groans ) 885 00:42:52,112 --> 00:42:54,281 I was wondering whether you had a few minutes 886 00:42:54,364 --> 00:42:56,116 to talk about, uh, laundry detergent. 887 00:42:56,199 --> 00:42:58,535 Are you a telemarketer, James? 888 00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:01,121 - Yeah. - Are you at the top of a tall building? 889 00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:03,623 Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! 890 00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:06,709 I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job why don't you? 891 00:43:06,793 --> 00:43:08,504 Go shoot yourself in the fucking head! 892 00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:10,713 Hey, why don't you just get a knife and run into it? 893 00:43:10,797 --> 00:43:12,590 - Why don't you do that? - Okay. 894 00:43:12,674 --> 00:43:14,634 - I'll see you later, James. - Nice to talk to you. 895 00:43:14,717 --> 00:43:17,012 Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye. 896 00:43:19,306 --> 00:43:21,183 - ( groans ) - ( doorbell rings ) 897 00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:25,479 Hey man, got a big box of porn for you. 898 00:43:25,562 --> 00:43:27,105 Oh. 899 00:43:27,189 --> 00:43:30,233 - Can I come in? - Uh, yeah yeah. 900 00:43:30,317 --> 00:43:33,570 ( sighs ) Sweet video game chair. 901 00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:35,989 So, um... 902 00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:38,534 so what's in the box? 903 00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:40,577 It's my personal collection of erotica. 904 00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,996 - Oh. - I want to give it to you. 905 00:43:43,079 --> 00:43:45,165 I think there may be a few tapes in there that just might 906 00:43:45,248 --> 00:43:47,000 open up Pandora's box of love. 907 00:43:47,083 --> 00:43:49,252 - Oh, okay. - Amy and I, 908 00:43:49,336 --> 00:43:51,547 we used to watch "Harry Twatter." 909 00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:54,883 And we'd put it on the television then act it out as it was going on. 910 00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:57,177 And it was-- it was all right. 911 00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,096 ( chuckling ) She was adorable. 912 00:44:00,180 --> 00:44:02,599 Fucking bitch. 913 00:44:02,682 --> 00:44:06,061 Well, you know, this is really gracious and kind generous and everything, 914 00:44:06,144 --> 00:44:08,813 but I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment. 915 00:44:08,897 --> 00:44:11,066 There's some really great stuff in here. 916 00:44:11,149 --> 00:44:13,860 Really great great movies in here, man. 917 00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:16,196 - Did you ever see "School of Rock"? - Yeah. 918 00:44:16,279 --> 00:44:18,698 Well this is-- it's called "School of--" 919 00:44:18,781 --> 00:44:21,701 - you know. - Oh, that's nice. 920 00:44:21,784 --> 00:44:24,037 But it stars Jack Blackcock. 921 00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:25,788 Oh, that makes sense. 922 00:44:25,872 --> 00:44:27,999 Dude, here it is. 923 00:44:28,083 --> 00:44:30,377 "Boner Jams '03." It's a mix tape I made. 924 00:44:30,460 --> 00:44:32,962 All these great scenes that I was really into 925 00:44:33,046 --> 00:44:35,549 in the summer of 2003. I think you'd really dig it. 926 00:44:35,632 --> 00:44:37,384 Yeah, I can see that. 927 00:44:37,467 --> 00:44:41,638 This is... "Everybody Loves Raymond." 928 00:44:41,721 --> 00:44:44,600 That's probably not supposed-- that's just a good show. I tape it sometimes. 929 00:44:44,682 --> 00:44:48,103 I don't think you understand something, Dave. I don't want this stuff, okay? 930 00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:51,064 Because I don't do that that much. 931 00:44:51,147 --> 00:44:53,233 - What, masturbate? - Yeah. 932 00:44:53,316 --> 00:44:56,736 Are you-- dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. 933 00:44:56,819 --> 00:44:59,281 - Are you kidding me? Why not? - It's not a hobby of mine. 934 00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:01,575 Well, then that's the only hobby you don't have. 935 00:45:01,658 --> 00:45:04,327 Ha-ha-ha. No, seriously, I just don't feel comfortable talking-- 936 00:45:04,411 --> 00:45:06,413 You need to. You're wound up. 937 00:45:06,496 --> 00:45:08,873 You're like action figures, hermetically sealed in your box. 938 00:45:08,957 --> 00:45:11,167 - You got to play with-- - Don't! Don't! 939 00:45:11,251 --> 00:45:13,711 Don't! Don't take it out! I'm sorry. 940 00:45:13,795 --> 00:45:15,713 You know what? It's just... 941 00:45:15,797 --> 00:45:18,425 it loses it's value if you take it out of it's packaging. 942 00:45:18,508 --> 00:45:20,760 I'm just saying let it out. Give it some air, man. 943 00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:23,054 - Play with it. - Take your porn with you. 944 00:45:23,138 --> 00:45:26,099 - I'm not taking it. - Take your box of porn! 945 00:45:26,182 --> 00:45:29,269 - That is my gift to you. - No, I don't want it. 946 00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:31,938 - David, it's not-- - ( yelling ) Andy, for the last time, 947 00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:34,023 I don't want your giant box of pornography! 948 00:45:34,107 --> 00:45:37,527 No no, shh! Come on, man. That is so uncool. 949 00:45:37,611 --> 00:45:39,613 Uncool?! 950 00:45:39,696 --> 00:45:42,240 Uncool is trying to give an honest man 951 00:45:42,324 --> 00:45:44,660 a big box of porn, Andy! 952 00:45:44,742 --> 00:45:46,495 Dave: For the last time 953 00:45:46,578 --> 00:45:49,164 I don't want to watch "School of Cock" with you. 954 00:46:00,758 --> 00:46:03,470 ♪ I've been alone with you ♪ 955 00:46:03,553 --> 00:46:08,350 ♪ Inside my mind ♪ 956 00:46:08,433 --> 00:46:12,145 ♪ And in my dreams I've kissed your lips ♪ 957 00:46:12,228 --> 00:46:15,148 ♪ 1,000 times ♪ 958 00:46:16,274 --> 00:46:18,234 ♪ I sometimes see you ♪ 959 00:46:18,318 --> 00:46:22,280 ♪ Pass outside my door ♪ 960 00:46:23,948 --> 00:46:27,035 ♪ Hello ♪ 961 00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:31,373 ♪ Is it me you're looking for? ♪ 962 00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:35,126 ♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪ 963 00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:39,047 ♪ I can see it in your smile ♪ 964 00:46:39,130 --> 00:46:44,219 ♪ And I want to tell you so much ♪ 965 00:46:44,302 --> 00:46:47,222 ♪ I love you. ♪ 966 00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:54,688 ( dramatic music playing ) 967 00:46:56,690 --> 00:46:58,274 ( sighs ) 968 00:46:58,358 --> 00:47:01,110 It's nothing official. 969 00:47:01,194 --> 00:47:05,407 Just a little token of my appreciation. 970 00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:17,043 Eww! Okay. Okay, new tape. 971 00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:19,003 ( laughing on TV ) 972 00:47:19,087 --> 00:47:21,423 Nothing is ever good enough and it's always our fault! 973 00:47:21,506 --> 00:47:23,299 You can't speak to your mother like that! 974 00:47:23,383 --> 00:47:25,927 - You do. - She's not my mother! 975 00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:35,771 This right here, you're looking at the Bentley of big-screen TVs. 976 00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:38,940 This is the Rolls-Royce of big-screen-- oh Jeez! 977 00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:42,235 - Dude. - Sometimes I think these butterflies are in here. 978 00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:45,947 Hey, Andy, what are you doing for lunch? 979 00:47:46,030 --> 00:47:48,283 Um, I don't know. I have a turkey sandwich. 980 00:47:48,366 --> 00:47:51,536 We're gonna go around the corner. I think you should come with us. 981 00:47:51,620 --> 00:47:54,831 There's this great place. Lot of cute girls. 982 00:47:54,914 --> 00:47:56,625 I don't know. Okay. 983 00:47:56,708 --> 00:47:59,669 We brought you a shirt. 984 00:47:59,753 --> 00:48:02,046 This place is pretty fancy. 985 00:48:02,130 --> 00:48:04,006 Is something going on? 986 00:48:04,090 --> 00:48:07,385 - Hey, who's ready to have some fun? - ( crowd cheers ) 987 00:48:07,469 --> 00:48:09,721 Hey, guys. 988 00:48:09,805 --> 00:48:13,141 Hey! No, don't ignore me. I know what this is. 989 00:48:13,224 --> 00:48:15,769 Within one hour, you'll each have 20 dates. 990 00:48:15,852 --> 00:48:17,937 Would you just quit whining like a bitch? 991 00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:20,315 - I'm not whining like a bitch. - You are. 992 00:48:20,398 --> 00:48:23,860 Man, you're about to cram like 10 years of pimpage into one day. 993 00:48:23,943 --> 00:48:26,655 - I don't want to cram pimpage. - Partner, after that... 994 00:48:26,738 --> 00:48:28,657 you on my level. Come on. 995 00:48:28,740 --> 00:48:31,326 - Cal: Just ask questions. - This is a bad idea. 996 00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:33,829 ( buzzer sounding ) 997 00:48:33,911 --> 00:48:35,497 - Hi. - Hi, how are you? 998 00:48:35,580 --> 00:48:37,999 I'm fine. 999 00:48:38,082 --> 00:48:40,084 Are you fine? 1000 00:48:40,168 --> 00:48:43,004 - Yeah. - You're fine then? 1001 00:48:43,087 --> 00:48:45,381 Are you fucking retarded? 1002 00:48:45,465 --> 00:48:47,467 What the hell's the matter with you? 1003 00:48:47,550 --> 00:48:49,803 - Do you want me to be fucking retarded? - ( buzzer sounds ) 1004 00:48:49,886 --> 00:48:52,930 When I look into the eyes of the children and the parents 1005 00:48:53,014 --> 00:48:56,768 and they're smiling and saying "Thank you, Dr. Montalban, you saved my child." 1006 00:48:56,852 --> 00:48:58,645 - Oh, it's worth it. - ( buzzer sounds ) 1007 00:49:00,605 --> 00:49:02,231 Amy. 1008 00:49:02,315 --> 00:49:04,526 - What are you doing here? - David. 1009 00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:07,445 And you are Gina? 1010 00:49:07,529 --> 00:49:09,531 "Jy-na." Man, what's up? 1011 00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:12,241 - Nothing. - Look, I'm gonna be real honest with you. 1012 00:49:12,325 --> 00:49:15,203 It's been a long time since I've been with a man. 1013 00:49:15,286 --> 00:49:18,206 Spent a lot of time with the ladies. 1014 00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:20,750 Looking to get back up on that pogo stick. 1015 00:49:20,834 --> 00:49:22,836 - You know what I'm saying? - Excuse me? 1016 00:49:22,919 --> 00:49:26,548 Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms? 1017 00:49:26,631 --> 00:49:29,300 Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! 1018 00:49:29,384 --> 00:49:31,469 - It's so creepy. - Let's go to Paris. 1019 00:49:31,553 --> 00:49:33,638 I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you. 1020 00:49:33,722 --> 00:49:35,682 - Cut it out! - Cut what out? 1021 00:49:35,765 --> 00:49:38,184 This. "Go to Paris." We've been broken up for two years, man. 1022 00:49:38,267 --> 00:49:40,353 - I don't want to date you anymore. - You're a whore. 1023 00:49:40,436 --> 00:49:42,731 I am not a whore. I just didn't like you. 1024 00:49:42,814 --> 00:49:45,483 - This is so us. - ( both laugh ) 1025 00:49:45,567 --> 00:49:48,027 - Psycho talk. - What?! 1026 00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:50,029 - You're a good-looking man. - Thank you. 1027 00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:52,240 Very pretty. Real soft delicate features. 1028 00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:55,243 They're real feminine, which is good for me, 1029 00:49:55,326 --> 00:49:58,872 because that would be a simple sort of transition, you know what I'm saying? 1030 00:49:58,955 --> 00:50:00,749 Maybe throw a little rouge on you, 1031 00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:02,876 tuck your sack back. You game? 1032 00:50:02,959 --> 00:50:04,711 - No. - ( buzzer sounds ) 1033 00:50:04,794 --> 00:50:08,715 You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? 1034 00:50:08,798 --> 00:50:11,634 Because you're giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy. 1035 00:50:11,718 --> 00:50:14,763 I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. 1036 00:50:14,846 --> 00:50:17,599 - He's practically stalking me. - Well, I didn't know all that, 1037 00:50:17,682 --> 00:50:19,392 - so I am sorry. - ( buzzer sounds ) 1038 00:50:19,475 --> 00:50:21,310 Oh, I love Minnesota. 1039 00:50:21,394 --> 00:50:23,521 Woman: I grew up in a town outside of Minneapolis 1040 00:50:23,605 --> 00:50:26,441 with like a population of like 500 people. ( chuckles ) 1041 00:50:26,524 --> 00:50:29,402 - Really small. - Yeah, it's like the land of a thousand lakes. 1042 00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:32,113 What about you? You're used to a really big city. 1043 00:50:32,196 --> 00:50:34,783 Really-- God, yes. 1044 00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:36,743 The town that I grew up in 1045 00:50:36,826 --> 00:50:38,787 was really small. I mean, 1046 00:50:38,870 --> 00:50:41,456 - it was just so safe. There was no crime. - Boob. Come on. 1047 00:50:41,539 --> 00:50:45,126 I mean, a girl could just walk from one end of town to the other 1048 00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,795 - and just, you know... - Mmm. 1049 00:50:46,878 --> 00:50:50,465 - ...feel completely safe. - ( fakes coughs ) Nipple. 1050 00:50:50,548 --> 00:50:52,467 - ( buzzer sounds ) - Shorty's heading out. 1051 00:50:52,550 --> 00:50:55,219 The spank bank has once again been filled. ( chuckles ) 1052 00:50:55,303 --> 00:50:57,472 I'll tell you who was the hottest. 1053 00:50:57,555 --> 00:51:00,141 You're going to think I'm crazy, but I'm going to tell you. 1054 00:51:00,224 --> 00:51:03,019 Gina, man. I can't get Gina out of my head. 1055 00:51:03,102 --> 00:51:06,022 - Gonna think of Gina all week. - I think that-- 1056 00:51:06,105 --> 00:51:08,107 ( gears clicking ) 1057 00:51:13,696 --> 00:51:15,364 - You know what's a fun game? - Huh? 1058 00:51:15,448 --> 00:51:17,283 You take three Excedrin P.M.s 1059 00:51:17,366 --> 00:51:19,828 and you see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. 1060 00:51:19,911 --> 00:51:22,038 - ( sighs ) Oh. - ( phone rings ) 1061 00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:24,666 You always win is the best part about the game. 1062 00:51:27,460 --> 00:51:29,462 - Are you Andy? - Yeah. 1063 00:51:29,545 --> 00:51:31,047 Is this yours? Did you write this stuff? 1064 00:51:31,130 --> 00:51:33,508 My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card. 1065 00:51:33,591 --> 00:51:35,259 Oh, yeah, right. 1066 00:51:35,343 --> 00:51:37,428 God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. 1067 00:51:37,512 --> 00:51:39,848 Thank you so much for bringing it to me. 1068 00:51:39,931 --> 00:51:43,392 So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurting for a squirting"? 1069 00:51:43,476 --> 00:51:46,896 Mm-hmm. Yeah, "hurting for a squirting." I wrote that. 1070 00:51:46,980 --> 00:51:50,399 Oh, so you wrote, "Ho for sho"? 1071 00:51:50,483 --> 00:51:53,028 Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... 1072 00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:54,696 for sho. 1073 00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:56,698 Let me show you how this device works. 1074 00:51:56,781 --> 00:51:59,492 - I'm just looking for a cordless phone. - Yep, it's great. 1075 00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:01,494 You can do anything-- make a video diary. 1076 00:52:01,577 --> 00:52:03,496 It's like, "Hey, Amy, how's it going? 1077 00:52:03,579 --> 00:52:05,456 How you feeling? I'm great! 1078 00:52:05,540 --> 00:52:08,167 I feel fantastic since we broke up. 1079 00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:10,378 ( shouts ) I feel awesome!" 1080 00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:13,464 Can you just show me the department where there would be phones? 1081 00:52:13,548 --> 00:52:15,466 "How have you been? What's been going on? 1082 00:52:15,550 --> 00:52:17,719 I bet-- hey, have you been doing a lot of this?" 1083 00:52:17,802 --> 00:52:20,847 - ( gags ) - Sir, please, sir. 1084 00:52:20,930 --> 00:52:24,225 You are never going to meet anybody with that kind of mentality about women, 1085 00:52:24,308 --> 00:52:27,353 - you sick son of a bitch! - Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? 1086 00:52:27,436 --> 00:52:30,648 I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off 1087 00:52:30,732 --> 00:52:33,234 and stop with the inquisition? 1088 00:52:33,317 --> 00:52:35,028 - That's how you talk? - You know what? 1089 00:52:35,111 --> 00:52:37,321 I don't have to answer to you. You ain't my bitch. 1090 00:52:37,405 --> 00:52:39,323 ( imitates hood accent ) Know what I'm saying? 1091 00:52:39,407 --> 00:52:42,077 So shit, man. Fuck it. 1092 00:52:42,159 --> 00:52:44,037 You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert. 1093 00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:46,288 I don't hang out with him. I work with him and that's it. 1094 00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:49,084 I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. 1095 00:52:49,166 --> 00:52:50,835 I don't mess with him. That's not me. 1096 00:52:50,919 --> 00:52:52,921 You should keep your ho on a leash. 1097 00:52:53,004 --> 00:52:55,590 - Hold, bro, I can't let you-- - Hey hey hey. 1098 00:52:55,673 --> 00:52:59,260 - I can't let you be talking to my woman like that, dawg. - Hey, bitch is running wild. 1099 00:52:59,343 --> 00:53:02,263 You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man. 1100 00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:06,601 That ass is going out tonight, maybe to a club, maybe to a nightclub. 1101 00:53:06,684 --> 00:53:08,811 - Hey, Andy! - David: I'll give it to her for free! 1102 00:53:08,895 --> 00:53:10,813 - Take a look at your pal. - Oh my God. 1103 00:53:10,897 --> 00:53:13,441 - Yeah, he's performing a public colonoscopy. - Shit. 1104 00:53:13,524 --> 00:53:16,318 Isn't that sweet? I'm going to send David home for the day, 1105 00:53:16,402 --> 00:53:18,988 - and you're going to fill in for him. - What? Selling things? 1106 00:53:19,072 --> 00:53:21,198 - You got that right. - I don't think that's a good idea. 1107 00:53:21,282 --> 00:53:23,242 You're going to have to talk to people, 1108 00:53:23,325 --> 00:53:25,787 and I know that's a frightening concept, but I think you can handle it. 1109 00:53:25,870 --> 00:53:27,371 So get out there and start selling. 1110 00:53:27,455 --> 00:53:29,206 - I was making a thing for Amy! - Stop, man. 1111 00:53:29,290 --> 00:53:31,793 - Pull these-- ugh. - Check it out. I miss her. 1112 00:53:31,876 --> 00:53:34,420 ( rock music playing ) 1113 00:53:34,503 --> 00:53:36,589 Dude, the floor's the ultimate aphrodisiac. 1114 00:53:36,672 --> 00:53:39,592 All you got to do is go make your pick now. Come on, man. 1115 00:53:39,675 --> 00:53:41,886 ( whispers ) Okay. 1116 00:53:41,970 --> 00:53:46,599 - And you could act a little enthused about it. - Yeah. 1117 00:53:46,682 --> 00:53:50,812 Jay: That's right, that's right. Gazelle in the pink top. 1118 00:53:50,895 --> 00:53:53,064 - Oh shit. - Oh, hey. It looks like 1119 00:53:53,148 --> 00:53:55,316 - you're checking out digital cameras. - You know what? 1120 00:53:55,399 --> 00:53:56,859 He ain't going to do it willingly. 1121 00:53:56,943 --> 00:53:59,445 Now we need to facilitate things a bit more. 1122 00:53:59,528 --> 00:54:01,280 - Yo, Andy. - Yeah. 1123 00:54:01,363 --> 00:54:04,117 - Hey, what's up, dude? This is Jay, man. - Oh hey, Jay. 1124 00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,787 I am throwing a party tonight. It's going to be real mellow, just chilled out. 1125 00:54:07,870 --> 00:54:11,248 Now you really need to be there. It's going to be really really colorful. 1126 00:54:11,332 --> 00:54:14,710 - Are you free? - I think so. 1127 00:54:14,794 --> 00:54:16,712 That was a joke, man. I know you're free. 1128 00:54:16,796 --> 00:54:18,339 - ( chuckles ) - I'm okay. 1129 00:54:18,422 --> 00:54:20,466 - Got to go, man. - All right, bye. 1130 00:54:22,718 --> 00:54:24,762 So tell me, Montel. 1131 00:54:24,846 --> 00:54:28,183 Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda? 1132 00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:31,519 - No, hold up. It's not that kind of party! - No no no! 1133 00:54:31,602 --> 00:54:34,856 You're not coming to our fucking party either, okay? Fuck you! 1134 00:54:34,939 --> 00:54:37,108 - Yeah. - First of all, it ain't that kind of party. 1135 00:54:37,192 --> 00:54:39,318 - Go fuck a goat! - Yeah! 1136 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:42,197 - Why are you always telling me to fuck a goat, man?! - Mooj: Fuck a goat! 1137 00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:44,699 ( disco music playing ) 1138 00:54:44,782 --> 00:54:46,784 ( elevator dings ) 1139 00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:50,287 ( knocks ) 1140 00:54:58,671 --> 00:54:59,755 Hello? 1141 00:55:02,175 --> 00:55:03,759 Hello? 1142 00:55:03,843 --> 00:55:06,387 - ♪ I'm every woman... ♪ - Hello. 1143 00:55:06,470 --> 00:55:08,723 - Oh, hello. - ♪ It's all in me... ♪ 1144 00:55:08,806 --> 00:55:11,893 Hi. Are you here for Jay's party? 1145 00:55:11,976 --> 00:55:14,979 Yes. I am Jay's party. 1146 00:55:17,106 --> 00:55:20,026 Hiring a transvestite prostitute isn't helping me, man! 1147 00:55:20,109 --> 00:55:22,570 What? Ain't nobody hiring no damn transvestite! 1148 00:55:22,653 --> 00:55:25,240 She was really nice, incidentally. 1149 00:55:25,322 --> 00:55:27,242 If that sister was a transvestite, 1150 00:55:27,324 --> 00:55:29,077 that was the Mona Lisa of transvestites. 1151 00:55:29,160 --> 00:55:31,246 You got a hummer from the tranny, didn't you? 1152 00:55:31,328 --> 00:55:34,456 Aren't we owed one now? 'Cause technically we paid her. 1153 00:55:34,540 --> 00:55:37,710 - She had a dick, man! - Do you guys even like me, 1154 00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:39,921 or is this some sort of cruel joke 1155 00:55:40,004 --> 00:55:41,380 that you're all in on? 1156 00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:43,424 Because I'm not a freak! I'm a good person. 1157 00:55:43,507 --> 00:55:46,677 I always thought that Matt Damon was a Streisand, 1158 00:55:46,761 --> 00:55:50,139 but I think that he's rocking the shit in this one. 1159 00:55:50,223 --> 00:55:51,515 ( shouts ) Shut up, Dave! 1160 00:55:51,599 --> 00:55:53,559 Hold up! Hold up! 1161 00:55:53,642 --> 00:55:55,770 Let's just chill on the aggression for a minute. 1162 00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:57,438 - Beth: Look at him. - ( woman laughs ) 1163 00:55:57,521 --> 00:56:00,649 He is such a bad-ass. 1164 00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:04,320 - He looks just like Luke Wilson. - Mm-hmm. 1165 00:56:04,403 --> 00:56:07,115 - So you're saying she was definitely a man? - Yes. 1166 00:56:07,198 --> 00:56:08,950 How do you know that she was a man? 1167 00:56:09,033 --> 00:56:12,494 Because her hands were as big as Andre the Giant's 1168 00:56:12,578 --> 00:56:15,456 and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls. 1169 00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:17,959 So you have no proof? 1170 00:56:18,042 --> 00:56:19,961 You know what? Just leave me alone. 1171 00:56:20,044 --> 00:56:22,171 Just stay away from me or I'm going to tell Paula 1172 00:56:22,255 --> 00:56:24,132 that you're all stealing the recordable CDs. 1173 00:56:24,215 --> 00:56:26,717 - Whoa! Come on! - Whoa whoa whoa! Come on, man. 1174 00:56:26,801 --> 00:56:28,844 We did this 'cause we're you're friends, 1175 00:56:28,928 --> 00:56:31,347 and we didn't think you had the balls to do it yourself. 1176 00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:33,015 - Oh really? - Dave: Yeah. 1177 00:56:33,099 --> 00:56:34,767 Okay, watch this. 1178 00:56:34,850 --> 00:56:36,769 Yo, Andy! It's just CDs, man! 1179 00:56:36,852 --> 00:56:38,980 That's a third strike for me, dawg! 1180 00:56:43,109 --> 00:56:46,695 - ( tires screech ) - ( man yells ) 1181 00:56:54,287 --> 00:56:56,289 ( sighs deeply ) 1182 00:56:59,125 --> 00:57:00,668 ( bells jingle ) 1183 00:57:02,419 --> 00:57:04,172 Hi. 1184 00:57:04,255 --> 00:57:07,133 - Andy, hi. - Right. Yep. You remember my name. 1185 00:57:07,216 --> 00:57:10,678 - I did. How you doing? - I'm great. I like your store. 1186 00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:13,014 That's good. If you have time, look around, it's-- 1187 00:57:13,097 --> 00:57:16,058 Okay. How's business been? 1188 00:57:16,142 --> 00:57:18,353 You know, it's coming along. 1189 00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:21,147 - It takes a while. - Do you want to go out sometime? 1190 00:57:21,230 --> 00:57:24,192 Yes. Yes, I would like that. 1191 00:57:24,275 --> 00:57:26,277 - Okay. - That'd be great. I think 1192 00:57:26,361 --> 00:57:28,321 I'm maybe free this weekend if you, um-- 1193 00:57:28,404 --> 00:57:30,489 if that's okay. Or you could call me tomorrow 1194 00:57:30,572 --> 00:57:32,367 - and we can just firm it up. - Okay. 1195 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:34,952 - Both: Great. - Okay, so I'll call you 1196 00:57:35,036 --> 00:57:37,038 and yeah, that'll be good. That'll be good. 1197 00:57:37,121 --> 00:57:38,873 - How you doing? - Congratulations. 1198 00:57:38,956 --> 00:57:41,250 Okay, so I'll-- yeah. 1199 00:57:41,334 --> 00:57:44,170 - Can I help you? - Uh, yeah, these are wonderful. 1200 00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:46,755 - I'll take these. - Thanks, they are. 1201 00:57:46,839 --> 00:57:48,883 They're great and the goldfish just crack me up. 1202 00:57:48,966 --> 00:57:50,509 - Funny. - ( Trish laughs ) Yeah. 1203 00:57:50,592 --> 00:57:52,220 Yeah, they are. They're cute. 1204 00:57:52,303 --> 00:57:54,263 I actually don't sell anything here. 1205 00:57:54,347 --> 00:57:55,723 I just sell them on eBay. 1206 00:57:55,806 --> 00:57:57,599 Oh, I don't get it. 1207 00:57:57,683 --> 00:57:59,310 - I know. - Okay. 1208 00:57:59,394 --> 00:58:02,021 - Can you help me? - No, you're on your own here. 1209 00:58:02,104 --> 00:58:04,440 Good luck to you and to you. 1210 00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:06,150 - I'll give you a call. - Great. 1211 00:58:06,234 --> 00:58:08,903 - Great. Nice to see you. - Thanks for coming in. 1212 00:58:08,986 --> 00:58:10,905 - Bye. - ( bell jingles ) 1213 00:58:10,988 --> 00:58:12,907 So, I guess I'll give you some money 1214 00:58:12,990 --> 00:58:14,742 and you can give me these shoes. 1215 00:58:14,825 --> 00:58:17,912 You know, I know it seems so strange. 1216 00:58:17,995 --> 00:58:20,664 Yeah, so I'd just rather buy them from you, straight up. 1217 00:58:20,748 --> 00:58:23,125 Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but-- 1218 00:58:23,209 --> 00:58:26,128 I wish too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. 1219 00:58:26,212 --> 00:58:29,548 I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them. 1220 00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:32,801 - David: I got a corpse in my way. - Cal: Just kill it. 1221 00:58:32,885 --> 00:58:35,137 That's so not fair that you have blades in your-- 1222 00:58:35,221 --> 00:58:37,473 - Ha! - I'm telling you, man. I feel great. 1223 00:58:37,556 --> 00:58:40,142 I'm so-- it's like a weight has been lifted. 1224 00:58:40,226 --> 00:58:42,895 Celibacy is the way to go, man. Andy had it right. 1225 00:58:42,978 --> 00:58:45,647 Look at him. He looks younger than all of us, 1226 00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:49,318 but he's 10 years older. Why? It's because he's never had a relationship. 1227 00:58:49,402 --> 00:58:52,571 No she-devil sucked his life force out yet. 1228 00:58:52,654 --> 00:58:54,656 ( phone beeping ) 1229 00:59:02,957 --> 00:59:04,959 ( phone ringing ) 1230 00:59:08,296 --> 00:59:11,173 - Hello? - Hey hey, hi, hello. 1231 00:59:11,257 --> 00:59:14,343 - Um, is this Trish? - Who's calling, please? 1232 00:59:14,427 --> 00:59:17,138 - This is Andy. - Oh, hi, Andy! 1233 00:59:17,221 --> 00:59:19,432 - Hi, how are you doing? - I'm good, how are you doing? 1234 00:59:19,515 --> 00:59:21,016 I'm doing great, I'm doing great. 1235 00:59:21,100 --> 00:59:23,852 - So you're gay now? - No, I'm not gay, 1236 00:59:23,936 --> 00:59:25,604 I'm just celibate. 1237 00:59:25,687 --> 00:59:27,689 I think-- I mean that sounds g-- 1238 00:59:27,773 --> 00:59:30,859 I just want you to know that this is the first conversation 1239 00:59:30,943 --> 00:59:34,029 of three conversations that leads to you being gay. 1240 00:59:34,113 --> 00:59:36,157 There's this, and then in a year 1241 00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:38,951 it's like, "Oh, you know, I kinda want to get back out there, 1242 00:59:39,034 --> 00:59:40,786 but I think I like guys." 1243 00:59:40,869 --> 00:59:43,372 And then there's the big, "Oh, I'm a gay guy now." 1244 00:59:43,456 --> 00:59:46,375 - You're gay for saying that. - I'm gay for saying that? 1245 00:59:46,459 --> 00:59:48,836 - You know how I know you're gay? - How do you know I'm gay? 1246 00:59:48,919 --> 00:59:51,588 'Cause you macraméd yourself a pair of jean shorts. 1247 00:59:51,672 --> 00:59:54,591 Know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore. 1248 00:59:54,675 --> 00:59:57,261 - You know how I know you're gay? - How, 'cause you're gay 1249 00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,514 and you can tell who other gay people are? 1250 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:01,474 - You know how I know you're gay? - How? 1251 01:00:01,557 --> 01:00:03,600 You like Coldplay. 1252 01:00:03,684 --> 01:00:07,271 - Oh, you're dead. You're dead. Oh! - Oh! Come on. 1253 01:00:07,355 --> 01:00:09,273 Leave my torso alone at least. 1254 01:00:09,357 --> 01:00:11,484 I also wanted to call and-- 1255 01:00:11,567 --> 01:00:14,111 and see what night you might want to go out. 1256 01:00:14,195 --> 01:00:16,780 I'm actually free tonight. 1257 01:00:16,864 --> 01:00:18,782 Well, oh-- okay. 1258 01:00:18,866 --> 01:00:21,327 Well, I was thinking maybe this weekend, but that's good. 1259 01:00:21,410 --> 01:00:24,746 - Okay. - Oh, great. What time do you want to pick me up? 1260 01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,623 Uh... 1261 01:00:26,707 --> 01:00:29,877 let's see. That's actually kind of a problem, 1262 01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:32,588 because I ride a bike. 1263 01:00:32,671 --> 01:00:34,756 That's cool, are you kidding me? 1264 01:00:34,840 --> 01:00:37,510 I love getting on the back of a motorcycle. My boyfriend in college 1265 01:00:37,593 --> 01:00:39,803 - drove a motorcycle so... - Yeah. Yeah. 1266 01:00:39,887 --> 01:00:41,930 - ...I'm cool. - Yeah, I bet that was cool. 1267 01:00:42,014 --> 01:00:45,351 - I ride a bike-- bikes-- bike-cycle-- bicycle. - Oh. 1268 01:00:45,434 --> 01:00:47,769 You know how I know that you're gay? 1269 01:00:47,853 --> 01:00:50,398 - How? - You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan." 1270 01:00:50,481 --> 01:00:52,691 - You know how I know you're gay? - How? 1271 01:00:52,774 --> 01:00:55,277 I saw you make spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once. 1272 01:00:55,361 --> 01:00:57,654 - You know I know that you're gay? - How? 1273 01:00:57,738 --> 01:00:59,823 You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car 1274 01:00:59,907 --> 01:01:03,494 - that says "I love it when balls are in my face." - That's gay? 1275 01:01:03,578 --> 01:01:06,830 - God damn it! - I'm ripping your head off right now. 1276 01:01:06,914 --> 01:01:08,832 It's off, 1277 01:01:08,916 --> 01:01:10,959 and now I'm throwing it at your body. 1278 01:01:11,043 --> 01:01:14,255 - ( game character grunts ) - Fuck you! 1279 01:01:14,338 --> 01:01:16,131 You guys... 1280 01:01:16,215 --> 01:01:18,133 she's picking me up in an hour. 1281 01:01:19,260 --> 01:01:21,262 Oh, drag, dude. 1282 01:01:21,345 --> 01:01:22,804 Wait, she's-- picking you up from here? 1283 01:01:22,888 --> 01:01:24,806 - Yeah. - That's fucked up, man. 1284 01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:28,436 - Why? - Why?! Seriously! 1285 01:01:29,645 --> 01:01:31,606 I mean, look at this place, man. 1286 01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:34,733 You-- you gotta see this through the eyes of a woman. 1287 01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:37,570 What is she gonna think when she comes in here? 1288 01:01:37,653 --> 01:01:39,572 - "Look, he's got a billion toys." - So what? 1289 01:01:39,655 --> 01:01:42,032 And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid. 1290 01:01:42,116 --> 01:01:44,118 Well, s-- all right. 1291 01:01:44,201 --> 01:01:47,871 Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss? 1292 01:01:47,955 --> 01:01:49,915 - It's Oscar Goldman. - Why do you have that? 1293 01:01:49,998 --> 01:01:52,251 That's worth a lot of money. 1294 01:01:52,334 --> 01:01:55,129 - That's much more valuable than Steve Austin. - That may be the case, 1295 01:01:55,212 --> 01:01:57,756 but none of this shit is sexy, okay? 1296 01:01:57,839 --> 01:01:59,383 I'm not trying to be sexy, man! 1297 01:01:59,467 --> 01:02:03,095 I mean-- Asia? You framed an Asia poster? 1298 01:02:03,178 --> 01:02:06,181 How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in? 1299 01:02:06,265 --> 01:02:09,768 - They did not laugh at me! - Know why you're gay? 'Cause you like Asia. 1300 01:02:09,851 --> 01:02:12,313 Cool it with the gay! She's on her way over here, okay? 1301 01:02:12,396 --> 01:02:14,982 First you relax, okay? 1302 01:02:15,065 --> 01:02:17,901 Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do. 1303 01:02:17,985 --> 01:02:21,196 We take everything that's embarrassing, and we move it out of here 1304 01:02:21,280 --> 01:02:23,699 so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch. 1305 01:02:29,413 --> 01:02:31,790 - Hi. - Hi, how are you? 1306 01:02:31,873 --> 01:02:34,876 - Good. - So, you want to head out? 1307 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,753 Did you just move in or something? 1308 01:02:36,837 --> 01:02:38,839 Oh, no. No, actually, I'm getting new carpet in-- 1309 01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:40,924 I'm having carpet put in tomorrow. 1310 01:02:41,008 --> 01:02:43,051 - Oh. - So... 1311 01:02:43,135 --> 01:02:45,304 - Oh, well. - Yep, okay. 1312 01:02:45,387 --> 01:02:48,223 - It looks good with the floors. All right. - Yeah. 1313 01:02:48,307 --> 01:02:51,977 I should tear up the hardwood and see if there's carpet underneath. 1314 01:02:52,060 --> 01:02:54,188 - ( laughing ) - That's never the case. 1315 01:02:56,273 --> 01:02:58,734 - This is gonna be fun. - ( women singing in Japanese ) 1316 01:02:58,817 --> 01:03:02,196 - Yes, this is. - I drive by this place every day, I've never been in. 1317 01:03:02,279 --> 01:03:04,948 I'm glad you came. 1318 01:03:05,032 --> 01:03:08,202 I never really go out with nice guys like you. 1319 01:03:08,285 --> 01:03:11,413 I think I've avoided nice guys like you my whole life 1320 01:03:11,497 --> 01:03:14,124 at my own peril. ( laughs ) 1321 01:03:14,208 --> 01:03:16,585 My last boyfriend drank a lot. 1322 01:03:16,669 --> 01:03:18,337 - Mm-hmm. - And so-- 1323 01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:20,339 This is just punch. 1324 01:03:20,422 --> 01:03:22,758 - It's okay, a little bit's fine. - Buddha punch. 1325 01:03:22,841 --> 01:03:24,760 I need some Buddha. 1326 01:03:24,843 --> 01:03:26,845 - ( laughing ) - Man: Excuse me, Miss! 1327 01:03:26,928 --> 01:03:30,182 Could you gather your team and sing "Happy Birthday" for my daughter please? 1328 01:03:30,265 --> 01:03:34,186 ( singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" in Japanese ) 1329 01:03:45,197 --> 01:03:46,407 Yay! 1330 01:03:48,701 --> 01:03:51,746 - That was so good. What? - That was great, happy birthday. 1331 01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:53,872 - It's your birthday, too? - No. 1332 01:03:53,955 --> 01:03:56,083 - Hey, it's his birthday too! - No no no. 1333 01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,377 Could you sing for him and bring him a cake? 1334 01:03:58,460 --> 01:04:00,462 Man: Happy birthday! 1335 01:04:00,546 --> 01:04:03,424 ( singing "If You're Happy and You Know It" in Japanese ) 1336 01:04:03,507 --> 01:04:05,509 ( silent ) 1337 01:04:10,806 --> 01:04:14,059 - Thank you. Thank you. - Happy birthday! 1338 01:04:14,142 --> 01:04:16,103 - Thanks a lot. - Happy birthday, Andy. 1339 01:04:25,446 --> 01:04:27,448 Wow. 1340 01:04:29,533 --> 01:04:32,661 You-- 1341 01:04:32,745 --> 01:04:35,623 You really like kissing, don't you? 1342 01:04:35,706 --> 01:04:38,459 - Yes! - ( laughing ) 1343 01:04:38,542 --> 01:04:41,420 - I really do-- what? - Take off your-- take off your pants, okay? 1344 01:04:41,503 --> 01:04:43,964 Oh, okay. 1345 01:04:44,047 --> 01:04:45,006 Okay? 1346 01:04:47,593 --> 01:04:49,720 - Wow, this is really gonna happen. - Oh, yeah. 1347 01:04:49,804 --> 01:04:52,514 Thank God. 1348 01:04:52,598 --> 01:04:55,225 Okay. I'm taking off my pants. 1349 01:04:55,309 --> 01:04:57,936 Yeah. Do you need some help? 1350 01:04:58,019 --> 01:05:01,982 I think almost got 'em. It's hooked on my ankle. 1351 01:05:02,065 --> 01:05:04,234 ( grunts ) Wow, that's-- 1352 01:05:04,318 --> 01:05:06,528 Hey, wait, do you have protection? 1353 01:05:06,612 --> 01:05:08,530 I don't like guns. 1354 01:05:08,614 --> 01:05:10,449 ( laughing ) 1355 01:05:11,867 --> 01:05:13,702 - That's-- funny. - Thanks. 1356 01:05:13,786 --> 01:05:15,704 I have condoms right here, okay? 1357 01:05:15,788 --> 01:05:17,748 - Okay. - There's, you know-- 1358 01:05:17,832 --> 01:05:20,876 check the expiration date because they were from when I was married. 1359 01:05:20,959 --> 01:05:23,754 We didn't have sex that often, that's why there are so many, okay? 1360 01:05:23,838 --> 01:05:25,631 Okay. 1361 01:05:27,633 --> 01:05:29,217 - So-- - ( dish rattling ) 1362 01:05:29,301 --> 01:05:31,178 Oh, got 'em. 1363 01:05:32,304 --> 01:05:34,222 ( whispers ) How does this go? 1364 01:05:34,306 --> 01:05:36,224 Okay. 1365 01:05:36,308 --> 01:05:39,687 "Roll over the tip and down onto the base." 1366 01:05:41,146 --> 01:05:44,733 Over the balls? It doesn't say. 1367 01:05:44,817 --> 01:05:46,360 - ( snaps ) - Ow. 1368 01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:50,155 Do you mind if I use your-- Magnum? 1369 01:05:50,238 --> 01:05:52,115 ( giggles ) Yeah. 1370 01:05:53,701 --> 01:05:55,577 Ho-ho-- wow. 1371 01:05:55,661 --> 01:05:57,621 You gotta be kidding. 1372 01:05:57,705 --> 01:05:59,790 I am Aquaman. 1373 01:06:01,416 --> 01:06:03,418 What is that? 1374 01:06:06,129 --> 01:06:07,715 ( gags ) 1375 01:06:11,844 --> 01:06:14,179 ( coughs ) 1376 01:06:18,559 --> 01:06:20,185 - ( pops ) - Ah! 1377 01:06:20,268 --> 01:06:22,979 Mom? Whoa! 1378 01:06:23,063 --> 01:06:24,940 What's going on here? Who the hell are you? 1379 01:06:25,023 --> 01:06:27,150 - It's Andy! - Hi, I'm Andy. 1380 01:06:27,234 --> 01:06:31,112 - God! What are you doing?! - Marla, get the fuck out of my room! 1381 01:06:31,196 --> 01:06:33,908 - Andy: You know what-- - I cannot believe 1382 01:06:33,990 --> 01:06:37,285 - you're allowed to have sex but I'm not! That is so unfair! - I'm gonna head out. 1383 01:06:37,369 --> 01:06:40,539 - Trish: You should go. - Oh, Jesus, how many times did you just do it?! 1384 01:06:40,622 --> 01:06:42,666 - Oh my God. 1385 01:06:43,959 --> 01:06:46,461 I'm so sorry. 1386 01:06:46,545 --> 01:06:48,505 - ( door slams ) - Shit. 1387 01:06:49,631 --> 01:06:51,049 God. 1388 01:06:52,885 --> 01:06:54,970 Dude... teach me. 1389 01:07:08,901 --> 01:07:10,861 ( sighs deeply ) 1390 01:07:11,987 --> 01:07:14,030 Oh! 1391 01:07:14,114 --> 01:07:16,491 Ah, sh-- 1392 01:07:19,453 --> 01:07:21,455 ( trickling ) 1393 01:07:26,543 --> 01:07:30,046 Oof! My goodness, Andy, you are a terrific salesman. 1394 01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:32,800 - Oh, thank you. - Gosh, you really got it down. 1395 01:07:32,883 --> 01:07:34,843 - Thanks. - Yeah, your numbers are good. 1396 01:07:34,927 --> 01:07:37,220 - Thanks. - I'm gonna put you out on the floor full-time. 1397 01:07:37,304 --> 01:07:39,431 - Really? - Yeah. 1398 01:07:39,514 --> 01:07:42,017 - Wow, okay. - Good, we're gonna get you a blue shirt and the tie. 1399 01:07:42,100 --> 01:07:45,813 - Great, thanks. - You know, Andy, I've been thinking about your problem. 1400 01:07:45,896 --> 01:07:47,773 I think I might have a solution for you. 1401 01:07:47,856 --> 01:07:51,192 - Hmm. - You ever heard of the term... 1402 01:07:51,276 --> 01:07:53,988 "fuck buddy"? 1403 01:07:54,070 --> 01:07:55,864 S-- wha--? 1404 01:07:55,948 --> 01:07:57,866 It's a special friend 1405 01:07:57,950 --> 01:08:00,368 who you fuck. 1406 01:08:00,452 --> 01:08:02,913 No, I haven't heard that term. 1407 01:08:02,997 --> 01:08:04,915 When I was a little girl, 1408 01:08:04,999 --> 01:08:07,042 I developed early. 1409 01:08:07,125 --> 01:08:10,211 By the time I was 14, I had this body you're looking at. 1410 01:08:10,295 --> 01:08:13,423 - Can you imagine that? - I don't want to, no. 1411 01:08:13,507 --> 01:08:16,551 Well, needless to say, a lot of male attention. 1412 01:08:16,635 --> 01:08:18,720 I bet, yes. 1413 01:08:18,804 --> 01:08:22,223 Especially from our Guatemalan gardener, Javier. 1414 01:08:22,307 --> 01:08:25,602 - Okay. - You know, Javier... 1415 01:08:25,686 --> 01:08:29,481 before he made passionate yet gentle 1416 01:08:29,564 --> 01:08:32,651 love to me for the first time... ( sighs deeply ) 1417 01:08:32,734 --> 01:08:34,319 he serenaded me 1418 01:08:34,402 --> 01:08:36,655 with a beautiful old Guatemalan love song. 1419 01:08:36,738 --> 01:08:39,199 Really? That's-- 1420 01:08:39,282 --> 01:08:41,326 that's-- sounds nice. 1421 01:08:41,409 --> 01:08:43,745 ( singing in Spanish ) 1422 01:09:07,728 --> 01:09:09,229 Okay. 1423 01:09:11,272 --> 01:09:14,442 Ooh! My goodness. I think we better get back to work. 1424 01:09:14,526 --> 01:09:16,111 Yeah-- yeah. I better go back to work. 1425 01:09:16,194 --> 01:09:18,655 - Yeah. - So, okay. 1426 01:09:18,739 --> 01:09:21,909 - All right. You mull it over and I'll talk to you soon. - All right, I will. 1427 01:09:21,992 --> 01:09:25,286 - Okay. - Woman over P.A.: Please come to the in-dash 1428 01:09:25,370 --> 01:09:27,539 - car stereos to assist... - ( grunts ) 1429 01:09:27,622 --> 01:09:29,541 - Hey. - What's up, dawg? What happened? 1430 01:09:29,624 --> 01:09:31,418 How was the date with Trish? 1431 01:09:31,501 --> 01:09:33,628 - It was a disaster. - Really? 1432 01:09:33,712 --> 01:09:36,548 Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. 1433 01:09:36,631 --> 01:09:38,926 I couldn't get the condoms to work, 1434 01:09:39,009 --> 01:09:41,970 one of them exploded on my balls 1435 01:09:42,054 --> 01:09:44,139 and then her kid walked in the room. 1436 01:09:44,222 --> 01:09:46,934 - Wait, hold up. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg? - You know what? 1437 01:09:47,017 --> 01:09:49,811 It doesn't matter, because it was going downhill straight from there. 1438 01:09:49,895 --> 01:09:51,813 Listen, you don't want no baby-daddy drama. 1439 01:09:51,897 --> 01:09:53,523 Trust me on this one, a'ight? 1440 01:09:53,607 --> 01:09:55,734 For all you know, he in prison right now. 1441 01:09:55,817 --> 01:09:58,028 Let's say y'all living together, next thing you know, 1442 01:09:58,112 --> 01:10:01,489 you the one going on the 1st and the 15th to pick up the government check. 1443 01:10:01,573 --> 01:10:04,325 What if he got boys that's on the outside and they stalking you? 1444 01:10:04,409 --> 01:10:06,536 You see what I'm saying? You got to think, partner-- 1445 01:10:06,620 --> 01:10:08,371 What the fuck are you talking about? 1446 01:10:08,455 --> 01:10:10,999 Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. 1447 01:10:11,083 --> 01:10:13,251 You test her with this shit, okay? 1448 01:10:13,334 --> 01:10:15,837 Tell me, this is how it's gonna go. Tell me. 1449 01:10:15,921 --> 01:10:18,506 - I'm a virgin. - Sweet! 1450 01:10:18,590 --> 01:10:20,508 I like that 1451 01:10:20,592 --> 01:10:23,261 because you don't have Chlamydia. 1452 01:10:23,344 --> 01:10:26,014 And I know that. And that shit is everywhere. 1453 01:10:26,098 --> 01:10:28,224 What if she laughs at me, though? 1454 01:10:28,308 --> 01:10:30,518 Then you punch her in the fucking head if she laughs. 1455 01:10:30,602 --> 01:10:33,063 I'm not gonna punch her in the head, she's really sweet. 1456 01:10:33,147 --> 01:10:36,691 No, I mean, you punch her in the head emotionally. 1457 01:10:36,775 --> 01:10:38,443 She's different, 1458 01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:41,029 she's someone I felt like I had a connection with. 1459 01:10:41,113 --> 01:10:44,783 All you trying to do right now is bust off this first nut. 1460 01:10:44,866 --> 01:10:48,453 - You got a whole lot of semen back up in you. - I am going to tell her. 1461 01:10:48,536 --> 01:10:50,747 - You should totally tell her. - I'm going to. 1462 01:10:50,831 --> 01:10:53,333 'Cause I watched this movie called "Liar, Liar," 1463 01:10:53,416 --> 01:10:55,418 and the message was "Don't lie." 1464 01:10:55,502 --> 01:10:58,630 - And that was a smart movie. - Yeah, that's the right thing. 1465 01:10:58,713 --> 01:11:00,465 Really? 1466 01:11:00,548 --> 01:11:04,178 All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins too? 1467 01:11:04,260 --> 01:11:07,889 That's funny, I didn't even know you-- girls talked like that. 1468 01:11:07,973 --> 01:11:11,893 I think my first time might be your best time, too. 1469 01:11:11,977 --> 01:11:13,728 Well, I knew it. You know what? 1470 01:11:13,812 --> 01:11:15,605 I knew that you'd react that way 1471 01:11:15,689 --> 01:11:18,316 and I knew that you would want to lead me 1472 01:11:18,399 --> 01:11:21,486 through my first sexual encounter 1473 01:11:21,569 --> 01:11:24,865 with all the compassion and care 1474 01:11:24,948 --> 01:11:28,243 that someone would give to their soulmate. 1475 01:11:28,326 --> 01:11:29,953 Oh my God, I am in trouble. 1476 01:11:30,037 --> 01:11:31,872 ( crickets chirping ) 1477 01:11:32,998 --> 01:11:35,000 Hey, Andy! 1478 01:11:35,083 --> 01:11:37,085 - You watching "Survivor" tonight? - Oh, no. 1479 01:11:37,169 --> 01:11:39,129 - Actually, I'm going out to dinner with somebody. - Oh. 1480 01:11:39,213 --> 01:11:41,631 - Hi. - Oh, and this is her. 1481 01:11:41,715 --> 01:11:44,092 - Um, Trish, this is Joe and Sara. - Hi. 1482 01:11:44,176 --> 01:11:45,760 - Hi, Trish. - Hey. 1483 01:11:45,844 --> 01:11:47,554 - Tape it for me, okay? - Will do. 1484 01:11:47,637 --> 01:11:49,514 - Thanks, all right. - So long. 1485 01:11:49,597 --> 01:11:51,474 - See you later. Have a good night. - Sara: Bye-bye. 1486 01:11:51,558 --> 01:11:54,269 Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight! Yes, sir! 1487 01:11:54,352 --> 01:11:58,065 Mm-hmm, and you better get on me, too. Mm-hmm. 1488 01:11:58,148 --> 01:12:01,276 What is wrong with this woman? Mercy mercy mercy. 1489 01:12:01,359 --> 01:12:04,279 ( jazz music playing ) 1490 01:12:05,572 --> 01:12:07,699 Thanks. 1491 01:12:07,782 --> 01:12:10,160 - I'm so sorry that happened the other night. - No, I'm sorry. 1492 01:12:10,244 --> 01:12:12,120 - Oh my God. - I'm sorry. That was me. 1493 01:12:12,204 --> 01:12:14,122 No. What? ( laughs ) 1494 01:12:14,206 --> 01:12:16,833 Let me-- I have something I wanna tell you. 1495 01:12:16,917 --> 01:12:18,960 Kinda hard to talk about. 1496 01:12:20,754 --> 01:12:23,339 But there-- you know, 1497 01:12:23,423 --> 01:12:25,341 there's certain-- certain things 1498 01:12:25,425 --> 01:12:28,220 about who I am that, um-- 1499 01:12:28,303 --> 01:12:31,681 I'm sorry, I have to-- I just have to get this off my chest. 1500 01:12:31,765 --> 01:12:34,350 I am so sorry I didn't tell you I had kids. 1501 01:12:34,434 --> 01:12:36,352 Yeah, what was that about? 1502 01:12:36,436 --> 01:12:39,231 Gosh, you know, that really surprised me. 1503 01:12:40,356 --> 01:12:42,192 ( both laughing ) 1504 01:12:42,276 --> 01:12:44,444 - Sorry. - No. You should have told me, probably... 1505 01:12:44,527 --> 01:12:47,655 - I know! - ...but what do I care if you have a kid? 1506 01:12:47,739 --> 01:12:49,449 Well, I have two kids. 1507 01:12:49,532 --> 01:12:51,659 Uh, wow! Okay. 1508 01:12:51,743 --> 01:12:54,288 - How old are they? - Uh, six... 1509 01:12:55,455 --> 01:12:56,831 16. 1510 01:12:56,915 --> 01:12:59,209 21. 1511 01:12:59,293 --> 01:13:01,377 - 42. - ( laughs ) 1512 01:13:01,461 --> 01:13:03,713 56-- How many kids do you have? 1513 01:13:03,797 --> 01:13:05,423 - I have three. - Okay, three. 1514 01:13:05,506 --> 01:13:07,884 - Yeah. Oh, and one of them has a kid. - Oh. 1515 01:13:07,968 --> 01:13:10,428 - A one-year-old. - That's cool That's great. 1516 01:13:12,013 --> 01:13:14,641 I'm really glad we're doing this. 1517 01:13:15,809 --> 01:13:17,060 Me too. 1518 01:13:17,144 --> 01:13:19,104 Um... 1519 01:13:20,772 --> 01:13:23,858 Listen, Andy, I don't want to send you 1520 01:13:23,942 --> 01:13:25,777 running for the hills or anything, 1521 01:13:25,860 --> 01:13:29,697 but I really feel like if we decide to do this again 1522 01:13:29,781 --> 01:13:32,242 then, um... 1523 01:13:32,326 --> 01:13:36,204 maybe we should hold off on the physical part for a while. 1524 01:13:38,039 --> 01:13:40,334 That is a fantastic idea. 1525 01:13:40,416 --> 01:13:42,210 Why didn't I think of that? 1526 01:13:42,294 --> 01:13:43,962 - Really? - Totally. 1527 01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,630 - No sex? - No! 1528 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,591 Why do that?! Because-- here's the thing-- 1529 01:13:48,675 --> 01:13:50,677 from personal experience I found 1530 01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:53,096 that sex can really complicate things, 1531 01:13:53,180 --> 01:13:56,183 and what we should be doing right now is just getting to know each other. 1532 01:13:56,266 --> 01:13:57,809 Yeah! ( laughs ) 1533 01:13:57,892 --> 01:13:59,811 I never thought you'd go for it. 1534 01:13:59,894 --> 01:14:01,188 I'm going for it. 1535 01:14:01,271 --> 01:14:04,191 That just is a great great notion. 1536 01:14:04,274 --> 01:14:06,067 - ( laughs ) - Are you serious? 1537 01:14:06,151 --> 01:14:08,903 Look at my face. Look at how serious I am. 1538 01:14:08,987 --> 01:14:10,780 Can you see my nostrils? 1539 01:14:10,864 --> 01:14:12,573 - ( laughs ) Yes. - That's serious. 1540 01:14:12,657 --> 01:14:14,742 Well, that's more angry-- ( laughs ) 1541 01:14:14,826 --> 01:14:16,870 Yeah. You know what? Most guys would be 1542 01:14:16,953 --> 01:14:18,705 saying "Yeah," right now, 1543 01:14:18,788 --> 01:14:20,332 but, like, by the third date it'd be, 1544 01:14:20,415 --> 01:14:23,584 "Hey, baby, I really need to physically express 1545 01:14:23,668 --> 01:14:25,586 how I feel," all that stuff. ( laughing ) 1546 01:14:25,670 --> 01:14:28,048 Well, hey, baby, you know, three dates? 1547 01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:29,966 Make it 10. 10 dates. 1548 01:14:31,051 --> 01:14:32,677 How about 15? 1549 01:14:32,760 --> 01:14:34,679 - 15?! - ( laughing ) 1550 01:14:34,762 --> 01:14:37,098 Screw your 15! 20 dates! 1551 01:14:37,182 --> 01:14:39,475 - Okay, 20 dates. - 20 dates. 1552 01:14:39,559 --> 01:14:41,769 - Okay. - This is genius. 1553 01:14:41,853 --> 01:14:43,855 It's gonna hurt. ( laughing ) 1554 01:14:45,857 --> 01:14:48,276 Not as much as you think. 1555 01:14:48,360 --> 01:14:51,446 - ( moaning ) - We can really get to know each other this way. 1556 01:14:51,529 --> 01:14:54,032 Yeah. This is one, right? 1557 01:14:54,115 --> 01:14:56,201 Uh-huh-- no, next one. 1558 01:14:57,493 --> 01:15:00,121 ( door opens ) 1559 01:15:00,205 --> 01:15:03,458 Ahem. Is it safe to come in, or are you guys doing it? 1560 01:15:03,541 --> 01:15:06,044 - Honey, it's safe. - Ahem. 1561 01:15:06,127 --> 01:15:07,837 Great. 1562 01:15:07,921 --> 01:15:11,132 - Well, good timing. ( chuckles ) - Yeah. 1563 01:15:11,216 --> 01:15:13,176 - You remember Marla. - Hi, we met. 1564 01:15:13,260 --> 01:15:16,137 And this is my little bunny rabbit Julia. 1565 01:15:16,221 --> 01:15:17,638 - Hey. - This is Andy. 1566 01:15:17,722 --> 01:15:20,975 Julia, how're you doing? You know what? 1567 01:15:21,059 --> 01:15:24,187 Do you by any chance like magic? 1568 01:15:24,271 --> 01:15:26,773 - Yeah. - I thought that you might... 1569 01:15:26,856 --> 01:15:28,566 - ( Trish chuckling ) - because I noticed on the way in 1570 01:15:28,649 --> 01:15:30,818 that you had something shiny behind your ear. 1571 01:15:30,902 --> 01:15:33,321 Marla, did you see that? Something behind her ear? 1572 01:15:33,405 --> 01:15:34,822 I think you do. Can I check? 1573 01:15:34,906 --> 01:15:36,657 Do you mind if I check behind your ear? 1574 01:15:36,741 --> 01:15:38,659 ( pops lips, yells ) Big money! 1575 01:15:38,743 --> 01:15:40,578 - Whoa! - ( Trish laughing ) 1576 01:15:40,661 --> 01:15:42,956 - That's amazing! - Wow, it is amazing! 1577 01:15:43,039 --> 01:15:45,292 There's something else, too, behind your ear, I think. 1578 01:15:45,375 --> 01:15:47,585 No, actually it's not behind your ear. It is your ear. 1579 01:15:47,668 --> 01:15:50,004 ( yells ) Crrrip! It is your ear. 1580 01:15:50,088 --> 01:15:52,507 - ( Trish laughing ) - There is your ear! 1581 01:15:52,590 --> 01:15:54,259 I ripped it off. 1582 01:15:54,342 --> 01:15:56,010 - Gross! - Yeah, that's sick. ( laughing ) 1583 01:15:56,094 --> 01:15:58,096 All right, wait, okay, but that means 1584 01:15:58,179 --> 01:16:01,641 that you walk around with a rubber ear in your pocket all day? 1585 01:16:01,724 --> 01:16:04,185 Um, yeah, like, half the time. 1586 01:16:04,269 --> 01:16:06,396 You know, I can come to your high school 1587 01:16:06,480 --> 01:16:08,482 and do it for your friends if you want. 1588 01:16:08,564 --> 01:16:10,566 You know what? I should head out. 1589 01:16:10,650 --> 01:16:11,901 - Oh really? - Yeah. 1590 01:16:11,985 --> 01:16:13,736 Oh, well, I have to give you a ride home. 1591 01:16:13,820 --> 01:16:16,323 - Right, yes, you do. - Right. 1592 01:16:16,406 --> 01:16:19,117 - Yeah, 'cause you don't have a car, right? - Right, I don't have a car. 1593 01:16:19,200 --> 01:16:22,329 That's good, 'cause he doesn't have a car and he does magic. 1594 01:16:22,412 --> 01:16:24,247 Awesome. Wow. 1595 01:16:24,331 --> 01:16:26,333 And sarcasm is like a second language to me, 1596 01:16:26,416 --> 01:16:28,876 so I'm right there with you. 1597 01:16:28,960 --> 01:16:30,878 ( both giggling ) 1598 01:16:30,962 --> 01:16:33,173 - ( jazz music playing ) - ( phone rings ) 1599 01:16:33,256 --> 01:16:34,632 Yello! 1600 01:16:34,715 --> 01:16:37,093 - Hey hey hey, Cal. - Hey! 1601 01:16:37,177 --> 01:16:38,719 I just got back from the date. 1602 01:16:38,803 --> 01:16:40,430 Did you tell her you're a virgin? 1603 01:16:40,514 --> 01:16:43,266 Uh, no. I haven't gotten to that yet. 1604 01:16:43,350 --> 01:16:45,601 Really? Are you having sex right now? 1605 01:16:45,685 --> 01:16:48,396 No! She was incredible. 1606 01:16:48,480 --> 01:16:50,648 She was amazing. She didn't pressure me. 1607 01:16:50,731 --> 01:16:54,319 Hey, oh, and-- and-- and she has three kids! 1608 01:16:54,402 --> 01:16:57,489 And one of her kids has a kid. 1609 01:16:57,572 --> 01:16:59,240 You all right? 1610 01:16:59,324 --> 01:17:02,118 Did you just say that she has three kids, 1611 01:17:02,202 --> 01:17:03,911 one of whom has a kid? 1612 01:17:03,995 --> 01:17:06,706 - Yeah! - So she's a grandma? 1613 01:17:06,789 --> 01:17:09,959 - No. - I'm not a doctor or anything like that, 1614 01:17:10,043 --> 01:17:12,379 but she's a fucking grandma. ( laughing ) 1615 01:17:12,462 --> 01:17:14,422 Yeah, well, whatever, you know. 1616 01:17:14,506 --> 01:17:16,716 - She's the hottest grandma I ever saw. - Yeah, she is. 1617 01:17:16,799 --> 01:17:18,009 - She's a hot grandma. - That's a good-looking grandma. 1618 01:17:18,092 --> 01:17:20,345 My grandma looks like Jack Palance. 1619 01:17:20,428 --> 01:17:22,347 - Well, she's no Jack Palance. - No, if Jack Palance looked 1620 01:17:22,430 --> 01:17:25,183 like that lady, I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now. 1621 01:17:25,266 --> 01:17:27,852 ( laughs ) Yeah, me too. She's a hot grandma. 1622 01:17:27,935 --> 01:17:29,687 Hey, yeah. No, do a grandma, man. 1623 01:17:29,770 --> 01:17:33,149 You should fuck her on her plastic-covered couch. 1624 01:17:33,233 --> 01:17:36,110 Fuck her while she watches "Murder She Wrote." She would probably 1625 01:17:36,194 --> 01:17:38,488 - find that very erotic. - Yeah, well, whatever, you know. 1626 01:17:38,572 --> 01:17:41,824 Fuck her and then have her send you a check for $12 on your birthday. 1627 01:17:41,908 --> 01:17:43,577 I'm the dude with the hot granny! 1628 01:17:43,659 --> 01:17:45,453 - Do her. - ( laughs ) 1629 01:17:45,537 --> 01:17:47,830 Andy: What did you want to talk to me about? 1630 01:17:47,914 --> 01:17:49,832 Well, Andy, the numbers just came in, 1631 01:17:49,916 --> 01:17:53,587 and you are by far our best salesman. 1632 01:17:53,669 --> 01:17:56,464 - Cool. - So I am promoting you to floor manager. 1633 01:17:56,548 --> 01:17:58,425 This is the bullshit of all bullshits, 1634 01:17:58,508 --> 01:18:00,510 you scumbag ass kisser! 1635 01:18:02,554 --> 01:18:04,138 Thank you. That's great. 1636 01:18:04,222 --> 01:18:06,433 I understand you have a girlfriend. 1637 01:18:06,516 --> 01:18:08,976 Yeah, I'm kinda seeing somebody. 1638 01:18:09,060 --> 01:18:11,605 - I'm very happy for you. - Thanks. She's great. 1639 01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:15,233 - Are you still a virgin? - Oh, you know... 1640 01:18:15,316 --> 01:18:18,027 - I don't really talk about my personal life-- - You're a virgin. 1641 01:18:18,111 --> 01:18:20,572 - Yes, I am. - Yeah. 1642 01:18:20,655 --> 01:18:22,740 My door is always open... 1643 01:18:22,823 --> 01:18:25,368 - so to speak. - Great. 1644 01:18:26,494 --> 01:18:27,954 Great. Thank you. 1645 01:18:28,037 --> 01:18:30,706 I'm very discreet... 1646 01:18:33,209 --> 01:18:36,170 but I'll haunt your dreams. 1647 01:18:36,254 --> 01:18:39,090 - Okay. - Okay. 1648 01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:41,175 ( inhales deeply ) 1649 01:18:43,803 --> 01:18:45,888 ( quietly ) Wow. 1650 01:18:47,098 --> 01:18:49,225 So who's gonna take my job? 1651 01:18:49,309 --> 01:18:51,603 Cal will be taking over your job, 1652 01:18:51,686 --> 01:18:54,689 and he's interviewing people right now for his old job. 1653 01:18:54,772 --> 01:18:56,732 So, have you ever worked with electronics before? 1654 01:18:56,816 --> 01:18:58,025 - No. - No. 1655 01:18:58,109 --> 01:19:01,362 But I have electronics in my home. 1656 01:19:01,446 --> 01:19:03,364 Perfect! 1657 01:19:03,448 --> 01:19:06,409 That's the job, pretty much. You're very well qualified. 1658 01:19:06,493 --> 01:19:10,121 - More than these other losers. - ( both giggle ) 1659 01:19:10,204 --> 01:19:13,333 - I could do that-- - Wait wait wait wait, last thing, last thing. 1660 01:19:13,416 --> 01:19:15,543 I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it 1661 01:19:15,627 --> 01:19:18,463 for the price of... on the house, hmm? 1662 01:19:18,546 --> 01:19:20,590 That I can't do. 1663 01:19:20,674 --> 01:19:23,301 Hey, don't be a Negro, be my nigga, all right? Help me out. 1664 01:19:23,384 --> 01:19:25,428 Wait, hold on, hold on. I ain't nobody's nigga. 1665 01:19:25,512 --> 01:19:29,098 Well, I mean, you're somebody's nigga, wearing this nigga tie. 1666 01:19:29,182 --> 01:19:31,476 - Now you're being condescending, see? - Mm-hmm. 1667 01:19:31,559 --> 01:19:35,021 You've been warned, a'ight? Let's move forward amicably. 1668 01:19:35,104 --> 01:19:38,566 Okay, check this out, though. First of all, you're throwing too many big words at me, okay? 1669 01:19:38,650 --> 01:19:41,569 Now, because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect. 1670 01:19:41,653 --> 01:19:43,655 - Mmm. - Watch your mouth and help me with the sale. 1671 01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:46,574 Okay, see-- see, now you found yourself a nigga. 1672 01:19:46,658 --> 01:19:48,784 - You were lookin' for a nigga? Nigga here now. - Okay. 1673 01:19:48,868 --> 01:19:51,579 Today's forecast-- dark and cloudy, 1674 01:19:51,663 --> 01:19:53,080 and chance of drive-by. 1675 01:19:53,164 --> 01:19:56,125 Jay, what's going on? 1676 01:19:56,209 --> 01:19:59,754 ( sobbing ) Jill broke up with me. 1677 01:19:59,837 --> 01:20:02,131 Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened? 1678 01:20:02,215 --> 01:20:04,133 I came home a little tipsy, 1679 01:20:04,217 --> 01:20:06,553 and I had one of my condoms on still. 1680 01:20:08,555 --> 01:20:10,473 I woke up the next morning 1681 01:20:10,557 --> 01:20:12,684 and jumped in the shower with her. 1682 01:20:12,767 --> 01:20:14,644 I don't know what I was thinking! 1683 01:20:14,728 --> 01:20:16,187 Why did you cheat on her? 1684 01:20:16,270 --> 01:20:18,523 Because I'm insecure! You can't tell? 1685 01:20:18,606 --> 01:20:21,108 I know, I know, I know, man. It's gonna be okay. 1686 01:20:21,192 --> 01:20:23,110 - I'm cold. - It's gonna be all right, man. 1687 01:20:23,194 --> 01:20:25,279 I'm-- seriously, man, I'm sorry. 1688 01:20:25,363 --> 01:20:28,824 I apologize to you. I know. If you want to have a meaningful relationship, 1689 01:20:28,908 --> 01:20:30,993 you gotta leave the sex out of it, man, you're right. 1690 01:20:31,077 --> 01:20:33,538 - It's all right. You're good. Okay. - I'm sorry. 1691 01:20:33,621 --> 01:20:35,956 - Come here. I love you, man. - Oh, man, I love you too. 1692 01:20:36,040 --> 01:20:37,958 ( crying ) 1693 01:20:38,042 --> 01:20:40,294 - You're a good guy. - ( exhales ) 1694 01:20:40,378 --> 01:20:43,214 Do you know how I know you guys are gay, hmm? 1695 01:20:43,297 --> 01:20:45,216 You're holding each other ever so gently. 1696 01:20:45,299 --> 01:20:47,468 - ( Andy sighs ) - Cabrón. 1697 01:20:47,552 --> 01:20:51,472 - Whoo! Whoo-hoo! - ( chuckles ) 1698 01:20:51,556 --> 01:20:53,891 - Abbondanza! - Trish: Bravo! 1699 01:20:53,974 --> 01:20:56,185 - Yay! - At least he can cook, Mom. 1700 01:20:57,729 --> 01:20:59,814 - ( growls ) - Ugh! 1701 01:20:59,897 --> 01:21:01,733 ♪ Look at what's happened to me... ♪ 1702 01:21:01,816 --> 01:21:04,151 It's, uh, Spiderman. 1703 01:21:04,235 --> 01:21:07,029 - ♪ I can't believe it myself... ♪ - ( Julia roars ) 1704 01:21:07,113 --> 01:21:08,740 - Whee! - ( yelling ) 1705 01:21:08,823 --> 01:21:12,201 ♪ Suddenly I'm up on top of the world ♪ 1706 01:21:12,285 --> 01:21:16,664 ♪ It should have been somebody else... ♪ 1707 01:21:16,748 --> 01:21:18,332 Pull out slowly and go straight ahead. 1708 01:21:18,416 --> 01:21:20,501 - ( both scream ) - ♪ Believe it or not ♪ 1709 01:21:20,585 --> 01:21:22,629 ♪ I'm walking on air ♪ 1710 01:21:22,712 --> 01:21:26,507 ♪ I never thought I could feel so free ♪ 1711 01:21:26,591 --> 01:21:28,509 ♪ Flying away ♪ 1712 01:21:28,593 --> 01:21:30,762 ♪ On a wing and a prayer ♪ 1713 01:21:30,845 --> 01:21:33,180 ♪ Who could it be? ♪ 1714 01:21:33,264 --> 01:21:35,433 ( laughs ) 1715 01:21:35,516 --> 01:21:39,353 ♪ Believe it or not, it's just me. ♪ 1716 01:21:39,437 --> 01:21:41,314 ( vocalizes music ) 1717 01:21:42,482 --> 01:21:45,526 ( screams, grunts ) 1718 01:21:47,153 --> 01:21:50,448 I'm all right! Nobody's there. 1719 01:21:50,531 --> 01:21:52,742 Trish: I want to know everything about you. 1720 01:21:52,826 --> 01:21:54,994 - I wanna tell you. - You do? 1721 01:21:55,077 --> 01:21:56,663 - Yeah. - Like what do you want to do? 1722 01:21:56,746 --> 01:21:58,832 - What are your dreams? - Uh... 1723 01:21:58,914 --> 01:22:01,501 You don't want to work at Smart Tech for the rest of your life. 1724 01:22:01,584 --> 01:22:04,003 - I-- I've been working there for a long time... - Yeah. 1725 01:22:04,086 --> 01:22:07,006 ...and I've been thinking lately that maybe I should open my own store. 1726 01:22:07,089 --> 01:22:09,008 - ( gasps ) Really? - Yeah. 1727 01:22:09,091 --> 01:22:12,846 - What kind of store? - Well, like a stereo store. 1728 01:22:12,928 --> 01:22:15,055 Oh my God, that is-- so why don't you do that?! 1729 01:22:15,139 --> 01:22:16,766 I don't have enough money to do that. 1730 01:22:16,850 --> 01:22:19,268 What about those collectibles? I bet if you sold those, 1731 01:22:19,352 --> 01:22:20,770 you could make a lot of money. 1732 01:22:20,854 --> 01:22:24,565 I just sold a guy's G.I. Joe for 1,000 bucks! 1733 01:22:24,649 --> 01:22:26,400 - Really? - Do you have any of those? 1734 01:22:26,484 --> 01:22:28,152 - Yeah. - You do? 1735 01:22:28,235 --> 01:22:30,404 - I have 47 of 'em. - ( laughs ) No, you don't! 1736 01:22:30,488 --> 01:22:32,031 - Yeah, in the original boxes. - You don't! 1737 01:22:32,114 --> 01:22:34,241 I could help you sell them on eBay, 1738 01:22:34,325 --> 01:22:37,411 and I-- I mean, I would not take a commission, I swear to God! 1739 01:22:37,495 --> 01:22:40,247 You could do it. You could totally pull it off. 1740 01:22:42,124 --> 01:22:44,377 - Yeah, let's do it. - Let's do it. 1741 01:23:02,478 --> 01:23:06,566 Aquaman, get your gloves on... 1742 01:23:08,693 --> 01:23:11,320 send you off to... 1743 01:23:11,404 --> 01:23:14,574 a farm with lots of land, 1744 01:23:14,657 --> 01:23:17,993 so you and other Aquamen can run around, 1745 01:23:18,077 --> 01:23:20,830 play in the Aqua-fields. 1746 01:23:30,924 --> 01:23:32,967 Godspeed, Colonel Steve Austin. 1747 01:23:36,011 --> 01:23:38,305 You don't wanna go, do you? Okay, you can stay. 1748 01:23:38,389 --> 01:23:41,267 Steve Austin can stay. Yeah, right. 1749 01:23:43,352 --> 01:23:45,688 ( Marla screaming ) I have done everything but sex! 1750 01:23:45,772 --> 01:23:48,315 I'm a woman, okay? Deal with it! 1751 01:23:48,399 --> 01:23:50,276 I'm gonna start taking you back to church! 1752 01:23:50,359 --> 01:23:52,403 - We are gonna start going to church! - ( door opens ) 1753 01:23:52,486 --> 01:23:54,447 - Hello? Hello? - Marla: You know what?! 1754 01:23:54,530 --> 01:23:56,950 What the hell are you talking about? Oh my God, I cannot believe this. 1755 01:23:57,032 --> 01:23:59,493 - Thank God you're here. Oh Jesus Christ. - Hi. 1756 01:23:59,577 --> 01:24:02,121 - Marla locked herself in the bathroom. - What happened? 1757 01:24:02,204 --> 01:24:05,040 She wants to go to the family health clinic. She wants birth control, 1758 01:24:05,124 --> 01:24:07,167 - but she's too young! - ( screaming ) I want to have sex 1759 01:24:07,251 --> 01:24:09,253 with my boyfriend, but I can't, Mom! 1760 01:24:09,336 --> 01:24:11,046 So you want me to take her? 1761 01:24:11,130 --> 01:24:13,090 - No, I don't want you to take her! - Okay, all right. 1762 01:24:13,173 --> 01:24:15,927 I want her to keep it in her pants until she gets to college! 1763 01:24:16,010 --> 01:24:18,345 Whoa whoa whoa! Keep it in my pants?! 1764 01:24:18,429 --> 01:24:20,264 Okay, you didn't keep it in your pants, Mom! 1765 01:24:20,347 --> 01:24:21,766 - Hey, Marla. - I know! 1766 01:24:21,849 --> 01:24:24,226 I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me! 1767 01:24:24,310 --> 01:24:27,814 Oh, mistakes? Okay, so I was a mistake then?! 1768 01:24:27,897 --> 01:24:29,774 No, you're not a mistake! 1769 01:24:29,857 --> 01:24:31,358 Your sister was the mistake. 1770 01:24:31,442 --> 01:24:34,528 ( screeches ) Oh my God! 1771 01:24:34,612 --> 01:24:36,363 Her older sister-- I mean, she wasn't planned. 1772 01:24:36,447 --> 01:24:38,407 You know what I mean? Because I was such a-- 1773 01:24:38,491 --> 01:24:40,034 Oh God, you wanna run away, don't you? 1774 01:24:40,117 --> 01:24:42,036 - Nope. - You and your boyfriend... 1775 01:24:42,119 --> 01:24:43,704 have sex all the time! 1776 01:24:43,788 --> 01:24:45,748 Oh my God! Are you kidding?! 1777 01:24:45,832 --> 01:24:48,417 - We never have sex. Do we ever have sex? - No, we don't. 1778 01:24:48,501 --> 01:24:50,837 What?! Yes, you do! 1779 01:24:50,920 --> 01:24:53,714 You're such a liar! Why are you lying to me? Why? 1780 01:24:53,798 --> 01:24:55,967 ( slams door, babbling ) 1781 01:24:57,760 --> 01:25:00,262 I didn't hear anything after "liar." 1782 01:25:00,346 --> 01:25:03,182 - What did she say after "liar"? - She sounds like a teakettle. 1783 01:25:03,265 --> 01:25:06,060 Fuck you! 1784 01:25:06,143 --> 01:25:08,562 - What sh-- - Maybe I should take her. 1785 01:25:08,646 --> 01:25:12,650 - No, I don't think so. - A little information never hurt anybody. 1786 01:25:26,914 --> 01:25:28,499 ( whispering ) Cool. 1787 01:25:28,582 --> 01:25:29,667 Wow. 1788 01:25:31,961 --> 01:25:34,547 Where-- where do you put the penis? 1789 01:25:35,798 --> 01:25:39,010 ( clatters ) 1790 01:25:39,093 --> 01:25:40,970 Now, you're all here because you're interested 1791 01:25:41,054 --> 01:25:43,514 in obtaining birth control. Any questions? 1792 01:25:43,597 --> 01:25:45,641 ( clears throat ) Here's a cute story. 1793 01:25:45,725 --> 01:25:48,644 I came home the other day and he is with his girlfriend 1794 01:25:48,728 --> 01:25:50,563 in my marital bed 1795 01:25:50,646 --> 01:25:52,940 doing things that are illegal in Alabama. 1796 01:25:53,024 --> 01:25:56,318 Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay? 1797 01:25:56,402 --> 01:25:59,822 - Did you have a question? - How do I get my wife to do that? 1798 01:25:59,906 --> 01:26:01,657 Does anybody else have a question? 1799 01:26:01,741 --> 01:26:03,617 My daughter is-- 1800 01:26:03,701 --> 01:26:06,328 for lack of a better word-- dumb. 1801 01:26:06,412 --> 01:26:08,372 How do I stop her menstrual cycle? 1802 01:26:08,455 --> 01:26:10,708 You want her to stop having a menstrual cycle? 1803 01:26:10,791 --> 01:26:13,127 I want to stop it-- maybe just for a few years. 1804 01:26:13,210 --> 01:26:15,796 Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. 1805 01:26:15,880 --> 01:26:18,966 - Does anybody else have a question? - I have a question. 1806 01:26:19,050 --> 01:26:20,634 I think some of the people here 1807 01:26:20,718 --> 01:26:23,054 might be sexually inexperienced. 1808 01:26:23,137 --> 01:26:26,515 Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it? 1809 01:26:26,599 --> 01:26:28,434 Is that a serious question? 1810 01:26:28,517 --> 01:26:30,770 No, it wasn't. 1811 01:26:30,853 --> 01:26:34,356 Now, there are a lot of activities you can engage in 1812 01:26:34,440 --> 01:26:37,484 without having sex that are both fun and safe. 1813 01:26:37,568 --> 01:26:39,695 What sort of activities? I think... 1814 01:26:39,779 --> 01:26:42,322 everybody wants to know about the activities. 1815 01:26:42,406 --> 01:26:44,658 Well, instead of having intercourse, 1816 01:26:44,742 --> 01:26:47,078 you could have outercourse. 1817 01:26:47,161 --> 01:26:48,996 "Outercourse"? Ew, what's that? 1818 01:26:49,080 --> 01:26:51,124 Yeah, what is that? 1819 01:26:51,206 --> 01:26:54,835 Outercourse is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse. 1820 01:26:54,919 --> 01:26:56,921 I prefer vaginal intercourse. 1821 01:26:58,131 --> 01:27:00,091 ( chuckles ) He really does. 1822 01:27:00,174 --> 01:27:02,718 Now, there are ways of having sex 1823 01:27:02,802 --> 01:27:05,012 without intercourse. 1824 01:27:05,096 --> 01:27:07,347 Let's see, there are things like body rubbing 1825 01:27:07,431 --> 01:27:09,809 - or dry humping. - You could dry hump. 1826 01:27:09,892 --> 01:27:13,104 - There's masturbation, - Masturbation, play with yourself. 1827 01:27:13,187 --> 01:27:15,397 - Mutual masturbation, - Play with a friend. 1828 01:27:15,481 --> 01:27:18,818 Deep kissing. There's erotic massage. 1829 01:27:18,901 --> 01:27:20,736 Oh, that sounds like it would be nice. 1830 01:27:20,820 --> 01:27:23,489 - Oral sex play. - Sounds like my Friday night. 1831 01:27:23,572 --> 01:27:25,324 Shut up, Seth, we went to temple. 1832 01:27:25,407 --> 01:27:27,409 Okay, are there any virgins here 1833 01:27:27,493 --> 01:27:29,536 who are thinking about having sex for the first time? 1834 01:27:31,413 --> 01:27:33,499 - Oh. - ( laughing ) 1835 01:27:33,582 --> 01:27:36,794 Wait, so you're a virgin? ( laughs ) 1836 01:27:36,877 --> 01:27:38,712 I'd tap that. 1837 01:27:38,796 --> 01:27:40,673 Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that." Seth, what? 1838 01:27:40,756 --> 01:27:43,217 You think you're cool with your little Jew-fro? 1839 01:27:43,300 --> 01:27:46,720 We don't say "tap that." What-- what are you talking about, Seth? 1840 01:27:46,804 --> 01:27:49,015 You know what? I'm a virgin, too. 1841 01:27:49,098 --> 01:27:51,892 - ( men laughing ) - Hey, that's-- 1842 01:27:51,976 --> 01:27:54,061 - We're virgins too. - Yeah. 1843 01:27:54,145 --> 01:27:55,938 ( laughing ) 1844 01:27:56,022 --> 01:27:58,315 No, you know what? It's a personal choice, 1845 01:27:58,398 --> 01:28:00,651 and-- and I don't think it's weird at all. 1846 01:28:00,734 --> 01:28:03,612 You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal. 1847 01:28:03,696 --> 01:28:05,280 That's the second time I've heard that. 1848 01:28:05,364 --> 01:28:07,741 What is the pussy on a pedestal thing? 1849 01:28:07,825 --> 01:28:10,244 Okay, I can't listen to any more of this, 1850 01:28:10,327 --> 01:28:12,788 'cause it's making me sick, so bye. 1851 01:28:12,872 --> 01:28:15,124 - You can get this information on your website, right? - Oh, yes. 1852 01:28:15,208 --> 01:28:17,584 - Thanks, nice meeting everybody. - Any other questions? 1853 01:28:17,668 --> 01:28:19,837 Do you have any extra-large condoms? 1854 01:28:19,920 --> 01:28:21,922 Seth, you've got a tiny penis. 1855 01:28:26,177 --> 01:28:28,804 So, I made that all up to help you out. 1856 01:28:31,057 --> 01:28:33,059 No, you didn't. 1857 01:28:33,142 --> 01:28:35,644 But, um, thank you 1858 01:28:35,728 --> 01:28:37,771 for doing that. 1859 01:28:39,273 --> 01:28:41,275 How can you tell? 1860 01:28:41,358 --> 01:28:43,610 Well, you know, I go to school with like 400 guys 1861 01:28:43,694 --> 01:28:45,696 - who are all trying to have sex. - Wow. 1862 01:28:45,779 --> 01:28:48,282 - Yeah, so I can tell who's done it. - Of course. 1863 01:28:48,365 --> 01:28:51,410 - And you really haven't. - No, I really haven't. 1864 01:28:51,493 --> 01:28:53,954 Please don't tell your mom, okay? 1865 01:28:54,038 --> 01:28:55,956 - Yeah, I won't. - Thanks. 1866 01:28:56,040 --> 01:28:58,876 But-- when are you gonna tell her? 1867 01:28:58,959 --> 01:29:00,961 Believe me, I'm working on it. 1868 01:29:02,255 --> 01:29:04,173 I am working on it. 1869 01:29:04,257 --> 01:29:06,008 ( pop music playing ) 1870 01:29:06,092 --> 01:29:08,052 Cal. David. 1871 01:29:11,138 --> 01:29:13,015 I think she likes you, man. 1872 01:29:13,099 --> 01:29:16,185 Hmm, I know. Too bad I retired my cock. 1873 01:29:16,269 --> 01:29:18,437 Y'all wanna see something beautiful? Come here! 1874 01:29:18,520 --> 01:29:22,108 You want to see the most beautiful thing in the world? Check this out! 1875 01:29:22,191 --> 01:29:25,278 This is my baby right here. That's my baby's dick right there. 1876 01:29:25,319 --> 01:29:27,696 Looks like a poltergeist. 1877 01:29:27,780 --> 01:29:29,489 That is his foot. 1878 01:29:29,573 --> 01:29:31,325 Look at his dick. That's not even four months. 1879 01:29:31,408 --> 01:29:33,660 Extrapolate that. 1880 01:29:33,744 --> 01:29:36,371 By the time he's 30, what's going to happen? Hey, yo, Andy! 1881 01:29:36,455 --> 01:29:38,707 Yo, come check this out, dawg. 1882 01:29:38,791 --> 01:29:41,376 Oh, is this the movie about babies that are geniuses? 1883 01:29:41,460 --> 01:29:44,504 - No, no. This is my child, dude. Jill is pregnant. - That's yours? 1884 01:29:44,588 --> 01:29:47,091 Yeah! That's why she broke up with me in the first place 1885 01:29:47,174 --> 01:29:49,509 'cause she just thought I wouldn't be a really good father 1886 01:29:49,593 --> 01:29:53,222 in light of the fact that I be cheating on her all the time, but she got over that. 1887 01:29:53,306 --> 01:29:55,266 Congratulations, man, that is great! 1888 01:29:55,349 --> 01:29:58,352 We having a party tonight, Andy, and I really want you to be there. 1889 01:29:58,435 --> 01:30:00,854 We celebrating and I really, really want you to be there. 1890 01:30:00,938 --> 01:30:03,523 It looks like the doppler radar. 1891 01:30:03,607 --> 01:30:05,901 Can you believe that? This child ain't even four months old. 1892 01:30:05,985 --> 01:30:08,654 He ain't even four months old yet, look at what he's packing. 1893 01:30:08,737 --> 01:30:11,365 Everybody dick looks big on 60" TV. 1894 01:30:11,448 --> 01:30:13,909 My sister's dick looks big on TV, okay? 1895 01:30:13,993 --> 01:30:16,787 - ( crickets chirping ) - Trish: Oh my God, this guy Eric Gilliland? 1896 01:30:16,870 --> 01:30:20,457 - Uh-huh. - He has bought like 15 of these. 1897 01:30:20,540 --> 01:30:24,044 - Really? - Yeah, I think he likes action figures even more than you. 1898 01:30:24,128 --> 01:30:26,755 - That is impossible. - I think so. 1899 01:30:26,839 --> 01:30:30,676 Andy, the way these things are flying off your shelf, 1900 01:30:30,759 --> 01:30:34,054 you know, I think you could actually make like-- 1901 01:30:34,138 --> 01:30:36,223 - maybe like $100,000. - Really? 1902 01:30:36,307 --> 01:30:38,100 Yeah, you could open your store. 1903 01:30:38,184 --> 01:30:39,893 - Wow. - I mean-- 1904 01:30:39,977 --> 01:30:42,229 - That's a lot of money. - I know. 1905 01:30:42,313 --> 01:30:44,564 That's incredible. I wouldn't have done it without you. 1906 01:30:44,648 --> 01:30:46,483 Thanks. 1907 01:30:46,566 --> 01:30:48,402 And that's not the only good news. 1908 01:30:48,485 --> 01:30:50,445 - What? - You know what tonight is? 1909 01:30:50,529 --> 01:30:52,365 "Survivor" is on? 1910 01:30:53,991 --> 01:30:57,286 - No. - No? Is it... 1911 01:30:57,370 --> 01:30:59,330 "The Apprentice"? 1912 01:30:59,413 --> 01:31:01,915 - No. - Hmm, what? 1913 01:31:05,002 --> 01:31:06,837 It's our... 1914 01:31:06,920 --> 01:31:09,589 20th date. 1915 01:31:15,595 --> 01:31:17,431 - Wow. - Yeah. 1916 01:31:17,514 --> 01:31:19,516 - Really? - Uh-huh. 1917 01:31:19,599 --> 01:31:22,436 - Seriously? I think-- I think we're at 18. - Nuh-uh. 1918 01:31:22,519 --> 01:31:25,022 There were a couple dates there that don't count as dates. 1919 01:31:25,105 --> 01:31:28,067 No. I'll give you a free pass on those other ones. 1920 01:31:29,902 --> 01:31:31,987 - Thank you. - Listen. 1921 01:31:32,071 --> 01:31:34,073 - What? Mm-hmm. - Listen. 1922 01:31:35,157 --> 01:31:37,117 I really like you. 1923 01:31:37,201 --> 01:31:39,203 I-- I-- 1924 01:31:40,829 --> 01:31:42,664 ( sighs ) 1925 01:31:42,748 --> 01:31:44,917 I think I'm falling for you. 1926 01:31:45,000 --> 01:31:47,627 I don't know. I kinda see this... 1927 01:31:47,711 --> 01:31:50,047 - going somewhere. - I do too. 1928 01:31:50,130 --> 01:31:53,592 I just think we should just go crazy on each other. 1929 01:31:55,135 --> 01:31:57,637 - Okay. - Okay? 1930 01:31:57,721 --> 01:31:59,848 Oh, thank God. 1931 01:32:02,268 --> 01:32:03,810 Oh! 1932 01:32:03,894 --> 01:32:05,812 Okay, I should-- I gotta pick those up. 1933 01:32:05,896 --> 01:32:08,190 Wait, no, pick them up later. 1934 01:32:08,274 --> 01:32:11,235 - No, I have to pick those up right now. - Wait, we'll get 'em later. 1935 01:32:11,318 --> 01:32:12,903 Listen, it's really important because 1936 01:32:12,986 --> 01:32:15,239 once the integrity of the box gets compromised-- 1937 01:32:15,322 --> 01:32:18,158 this is original packaging and that's why these things are so valuable. 1938 01:32:18,242 --> 01:32:19,952 So you don't-- you don't screw with that. 1939 01:32:20,035 --> 01:32:21,828 - You really don't screw with that. - All right. 1940 01:32:21,912 --> 01:32:24,081 Well, we can wrap 'em again later, you know? 1941 01:32:24,164 --> 01:32:26,708 Yeah, but you know what? This is very important that we don't-- 1942 01:32:26,792 --> 01:32:29,086 - we don't lose the value or compromise the integrity-- - Andy, I'm... 1943 01:32:29,169 --> 01:32:31,464 throwing myself at you 1944 01:32:31,546 --> 01:32:34,341 - and all you can think about is fucking toys! - They're not fucking toys! 1945 01:32:34,425 --> 01:32:36,343 This is Iron Man, okay? 1946 01:32:36,427 --> 01:32:38,887 I got this when I was in 2nd grade! 1947 01:32:38,971 --> 01:32:41,890 - Do you know how hard it is for a kid to not open that? - Uh-huh. 1948 01:32:41,974 --> 01:32:44,143 This is important, these are my things 1949 01:32:44,226 --> 01:32:47,354 and you are trying to make me sell them and I don't want to. 1950 01:32:47,438 --> 01:32:49,398 - No. - And you're making me. 1951 01:32:49,482 --> 01:32:52,067 - I-- I'm not making-- - You're encouraging me to quit my job. 1952 01:32:52,151 --> 01:32:55,112 - I'm not! I'm not trying-- - You want me to open a store! 1953 01:32:55,195 --> 01:32:58,198 You want me to sell everything. You know what? I'm gonna tell you something. 1954 01:32:58,282 --> 01:33:00,742 I don't just change like that. I can't just change for you. 1955 01:33:00,826 --> 01:33:02,828 I don't-- I'm not trying to change you. 1956 01:33:02,911 --> 01:33:04,955 I like you! 1957 01:33:05,038 --> 01:33:08,542 - I'm trying to help you grow up, Andy. - Well, thanks a lot. 1958 01:33:08,625 --> 01:33:11,711 I mean, my God, you ride a bicycle to work in a stockroom-- 1959 01:33:11,795 --> 01:33:14,548 You know what? I'm not in the stockroom anymore, 1960 01:33:14,631 --> 01:33:16,425 - I'm a floor manager. - Okay. 1961 01:33:16,509 --> 01:33:18,969 I ride a bike because I like to. Einstein rode a bike. 1962 01:33:19,052 --> 01:33:22,097 He had a wife, who he fucked, by the way. 1963 01:33:22,181 --> 01:33:24,808 What do I have to do for you to have sex with me? 1964 01:33:24,891 --> 01:33:27,853 Do you want me to dress up like Thor? I'll dress up like Thor. 1965 01:33:27,936 --> 01:33:31,357 I'll dress up like Iron Man. What do they do? I'll do it! 1966 01:33:31,440 --> 01:33:33,442 Why-- everything's always about sex. 1967 01:33:33,526 --> 01:33:35,861 Why don't you want to have sex with me? Why not? 1968 01:33:35,944 --> 01:33:39,739 You tell me the truth. Is it because I have a kid who has a kid? Is that why? 1969 01:33:39,823 --> 01:33:42,409 No, it's cool! I love the fact that you're a grandmother. 1970 01:33:42,493 --> 01:33:45,287 - Oh God! - You are! You're a hot grandma! 1971 01:33:45,371 --> 01:33:47,789 Oh my God! You are so mean! 1972 01:33:47,873 --> 01:33:49,708 - Get out! - Okay, fine, good! 1973 01:33:49,791 --> 01:33:52,711 - Good, fine, you're gonna go. - I didn't ask for any of this. 1974 01:33:52,794 --> 01:33:57,049 - You asked for all of it, Andy! - Okay, great. 1975 01:33:59,885 --> 01:34:03,263 Hey, if that's the way you want it, 1976 01:34:03,347 --> 01:34:05,849 that's the way homie's gonna play it. 1977 01:34:06,933 --> 01:34:08,935 Yeah, truth be told. 1978 01:34:18,278 --> 01:34:20,280 ( horns blaring ) 1979 01:34:21,656 --> 01:34:23,325 ♪ Hot this year ♪ 1980 01:34:23,409 --> 01:34:26,203 ♪ Say what? Uh uh uh... ♪ 1981 01:34:26,286 --> 01:34:28,205 Ooh, baby, you better enjoy yourself tonight, 1982 01:34:28,288 --> 01:34:30,457 'cause once this baby's born, 1983 01:34:30,541 --> 01:34:32,667 - you ain't going out again till that baby's in college. - Me? 1984 01:34:32,751 --> 01:34:34,920 - Yeah. - You the club rat. I'm not the one that be going out. 1985 01:34:35,003 --> 01:34:36,796 I'm not a club rat. 1986 01:34:36,880 --> 01:34:40,426 Now you're gonna get up, you're gonna march over there 1987 01:34:40,509 --> 01:34:43,178 and I want you to hit on Bernadette... now! 1988 01:34:43,262 --> 01:34:45,222 Dude, I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette. 1989 01:34:45,305 --> 01:34:47,600 Yes, you are, man! 'Cause your depression 1990 01:34:47,682 --> 01:34:51,270 is boring me for one thing and it's actually making me a little depressed. 1991 01:34:51,353 --> 01:34:54,607 Which is then in turn making me more depressed that you're actually affecting my mood. 1992 01:34:54,689 --> 01:34:56,650 Look, I'm not in any kind of place 1993 01:34:56,733 --> 01:34:58,485 to talk to a woman, all right? 1994 01:34:58,569 --> 01:35:00,446 I'm just-- I'm fragile. 1995 01:35:00,529 --> 01:35:02,656 I hired her for you. 1996 01:35:02,739 --> 01:35:05,033 I hired a 90-lb. girl to work in the stock room 1997 01:35:05,117 --> 01:35:07,661 at Smart Tech for you, okay? 1998 01:35:07,744 --> 01:35:09,371 I should've hired a 300-lb. guy 1999 01:35:09,455 --> 01:35:11,498 who could lift a 60" wide screen, 2000 01:35:11,582 --> 01:35:13,833 but instead I hired a hot girl 2001 01:35:13,917 --> 01:35:17,003 who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk. 2002 01:35:17,087 --> 01:35:19,673 - You hired her for me? - Yes! 2003 01:35:19,756 --> 01:35:22,175 - So will you go talk to her? - Yeah, I'm meeting somebody. 2004 01:35:22,259 --> 01:35:24,553 No. 2005 01:35:27,347 --> 01:35:29,849 - Did you just flick me in the nuts? - No. 2006 01:35:29,933 --> 01:35:32,686 I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be. 2007 01:35:32,769 --> 01:35:35,981 Ow! Quit flickin' my balls, man! 2008 01:35:36,064 --> 01:35:38,651 Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. 2009 01:35:38,733 --> 01:35:40,819 But I'll start punching your nuts! 2010 01:35:41,945 --> 01:35:44,448 Oh! Okay. 2011 01:35:47,951 --> 01:35:50,412 - Well played, sir. - Okay. 2012 01:35:50,496 --> 01:35:54,124 - Thank you. - No problem, man. Go get 'em. 2013 01:35:54,207 --> 01:35:57,461 Mooj, you done seen my son. You know his foot gonna be bigger than this. 2014 01:35:57,544 --> 01:36:01,047 That baby looks Pakistani. Don't fucking look at me, okay? 2015 01:36:01,131 --> 01:36:03,509 I wouldn't mind, you got good genes. 2016 01:36:03,592 --> 01:36:07,638 - How old are you? What, 138? - When your son is born, is he already on parole? 2017 01:36:07,721 --> 01:36:10,557 - ( sighs ) - ♪ Sexy how you move that body ♪ 2018 01:36:10,641 --> 01:36:12,809 ♪ Got me like whoa whoa whoa ♪ 2019 01:36:12,892 --> 01:36:15,937 ♪ Welcome to the after party... ♪ 2020 01:36:16,021 --> 01:36:19,399 I need some poon. 2021 01:36:19,483 --> 01:36:22,569 You guys were so right, right from the beginning. 2022 01:36:22,653 --> 01:36:25,905 I need genital to genital connection, 2023 01:36:25,989 --> 01:36:28,200 and that's all I need. 2024 01:36:28,283 --> 01:36:31,495 You know the thing about relationships is that 2025 01:36:31,578 --> 01:36:33,539 they make one person go... 2026 01:36:33,622 --> 01:36:35,332 ( babbles ) 2027 01:36:35,415 --> 01:36:37,834 ...and the other person go, "What are you talking about?" 2028 01:36:37,917 --> 01:36:39,794 And then one person goes... ( babbles ) 2029 01:36:39,878 --> 01:36:41,963 How much have you had to drink, man? 2030 01:36:42,047 --> 01:36:45,425 Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey! How many pots have you smoken? 2031 01:36:45,509 --> 01:36:50,430 - What are you talking about? - How many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? 2032 01:36:50,514 --> 01:36:54,142 Let me ask you that! You know what?! You don't have an answer for that, do you?! 2033 01:36:54,226 --> 01:36:56,936 - ( stammers ) - Fuck you, man! I'm sorry. No no no no. 2034 01:36:57,020 --> 01:36:59,022 You're such a good guy, and I appreciate you. 2035 01:36:59,105 --> 01:37:01,400 What's up, baby? I didn't know you came already! 2036 01:37:01,483 --> 01:37:03,569 Hey hey hey hey, mothafucka. 2037 01:37:05,696 --> 01:37:07,989 Oh, man, you know what? Tonight is the night. 2038 01:37:08,073 --> 01:37:11,243 And you know what? You were totally right, 2039 01:37:11,326 --> 01:37:14,287 and I was wrong. You were right all along. 2040 01:37:14,371 --> 01:37:16,456 You cannot have 2041 01:37:16,540 --> 01:37:18,958 a relationship with somebody 2042 01:37:19,042 --> 01:37:21,836 until you have sex 2043 01:37:21,920 --> 01:37:23,880 and that's the long-- 2044 01:37:23,963 --> 01:37:26,132 that's the long and short of it, so thank you. 2045 01:37:26,216 --> 01:37:28,761 - No, whoa whoa whoa! That's good. I got it. - You're the best. 2046 01:37:28,843 --> 01:37:31,471 And now I have to go hunt for some hos. 2047 01:37:31,555 --> 01:37:33,056 ( laughs ) 2048 01:37:34,933 --> 01:37:37,603 - Is he gonna be all right? - No, I don't think he is. 2049 01:37:37,686 --> 01:37:40,522 ♪ In my hot tub swimming like that ♪ 2050 01:37:40,606 --> 01:37:42,190 ♪ Here comes my... ♪ 2051 01:37:42,274 --> 01:37:44,317 Cal said you were celibate. 2052 01:37:44,401 --> 01:37:48,154 - No, I just said that so he wouldn't hit on me anymore. - Oh. 2053 01:37:48,238 --> 01:37:50,282 ♪ Ah-ha! Welcome to my after party... ♪ 2054 01:37:50,365 --> 01:37:52,242 Hey, you! 2055 01:37:52,325 --> 01:37:54,202 ( giggles ) 2056 01:37:54,286 --> 01:37:55,412 - H-h-h-hey! - Hey. 2057 01:37:55,495 --> 01:37:57,038 How you doing? 2058 01:37:57,122 --> 01:38:00,166 Oh, I'm much better now that I'm talking to you. 2059 01:38:00,250 --> 01:38:02,043 Hey, looky, 2060 01:38:02,127 --> 01:38:04,463 I can see through your shirt. 2061 01:38:04,546 --> 01:38:06,256 Nice! 2062 01:38:06,339 --> 01:38:09,676 So, you think we should 2063 01:38:09,760 --> 01:38:12,554 take this party to my apartment or what? 2064 01:38:12,638 --> 01:38:15,932 I am RSVPing yes. 2065 01:38:18,351 --> 01:38:20,520 Hope you have a big trunk, 2066 01:38:20,604 --> 01:38:22,481 'cause I'm putting my bike in it. 2067 01:38:22,564 --> 01:38:25,651 Oh ho-ho-ho! 2068 01:38:25,734 --> 01:38:27,820 Yeah! Let's go! 2069 01:38:32,783 --> 01:38:36,453 Mom! I left my phone somewhere and-- oh, thank you. 2070 01:38:37,954 --> 01:38:40,081 What's the matter? 2071 01:38:40,165 --> 01:38:42,334 - Where's Andy? - We had a big fight. 2072 01:38:42,417 --> 01:38:44,837 - He just-- - Oh, Mom. 2073 01:38:44,919 --> 01:38:47,714 - He just stormed out of here. - What happened? 2074 01:38:47,798 --> 01:38:50,383 Well, I just-- wait a minute, I thought you hated him. 2075 01:38:50,467 --> 01:38:52,594 I don't hate him. 2076 01:38:52,678 --> 01:38:55,722 I mean, he does do magic, but you know. 2077 01:38:55,806 --> 01:38:59,726 He's a big dork, and I like seeing you happy. 2078 01:39:01,102 --> 01:39:02,855 I do. 2079 01:39:04,356 --> 01:39:06,191 That's sweet, that's really sweet. 2080 01:39:06,274 --> 01:39:07,901 Mom. 2081 01:39:07,984 --> 01:39:10,111 Why don't you just go talk to him? 2082 01:39:10,195 --> 01:39:13,448 Work it out. Nothing's that important that you can't just talk to him. 2083 01:39:13,532 --> 01:39:17,828 - ( pop music playing ) - Bow, chick-uh, bow, chick-uh, bang-bow, bow! 2084 01:39:17,911 --> 01:39:20,372 Yeah! Ha ha! 2085 01:39:20,455 --> 01:39:22,499 - ( gasps ) - Yeah! 2086 01:39:22,582 --> 01:39:24,292 Oh, right! Okay! 2087 01:39:24,376 --> 01:39:27,754 Yeah. That was a fun day. 2088 01:39:27,838 --> 01:39:29,548 - ( laughs ) - You-- 2089 01:39:29,631 --> 01:39:33,385 you are so... kinky. 2090 01:39:33,468 --> 01:39:35,554 - ( gasping ) - Yeah, I'm so kinky. 2091 01:39:35,637 --> 01:39:38,306 - That's why I did this because-- - ( laughing excitedly ) 2092 01:39:38,390 --> 01:39:41,434 - because I thought it looked-- - You like to shave, don't you? 2093 01:39:41,518 --> 01:39:43,603 - Yeah. - Let's shave each other. 2094 01:39:43,687 --> 01:39:46,606 - I don't think you have any hair. - You know where to shave me. 2095 01:39:46,690 --> 01:39:48,441 - Yeah! - 'Cause I want to shave you. 2096 01:39:48,525 --> 01:39:52,111 I want to shave your head. 2097 01:39:52,195 --> 01:39:54,573 I wanna give you a buzz cut. 2098 01:39:54,656 --> 01:39:57,367 - Let's get in the bath. - ♪ I'll taste just like candy... ♪ 2099 01:39:57,450 --> 01:39:59,369 - In the bath tub? - Yes. 2100 01:39:59,452 --> 01:40:02,956 We're gonna get dirty dirty dirty, sudsy. 2101 01:40:03,039 --> 01:40:05,667 - You know, it's just about time I got really dirty. - Yeah! 2102 01:40:14,384 --> 01:40:16,595 Hmm-hmm-hmm! 2103 01:40:16,678 --> 01:40:19,305 Wow, that came out fast. 2104 01:40:19,389 --> 01:40:21,307 Okay. 2105 01:40:21,391 --> 01:40:23,643 - ( smacks ) - Ow! Wow! 2106 01:40:23,727 --> 01:40:26,187 Holy shit! 2107 01:40:26,271 --> 01:40:28,941 Wow, that-- this is just the right thing to happen. 2108 01:40:29,023 --> 01:40:32,151 Yeah yeah yeah! Wow! Almost on my peter! 2109 01:40:32,235 --> 01:40:34,821 Come to mama. 2110 01:40:34,905 --> 01:40:37,824 I am gonna really take care of you tonight. 2111 01:40:37,908 --> 01:40:41,035 - Okay. - You're never gonna forget Beth. 2112 01:40:41,119 --> 01:40:42,829 Yeah. 2113 01:40:45,624 --> 01:40:47,333 ♪ I'll let you touch... ♪ 2114 01:40:47,417 --> 01:40:49,043 Mmm! 2115 01:40:49,127 --> 01:40:50,963 ( laughs ) 2116 01:40:51,045 --> 01:40:53,006 I just want to please you. 2117 01:40:54,132 --> 01:40:56,175 What do you like? 2118 01:40:56,259 --> 01:40:58,386 I don't-- I don't know. 2119 01:40:58,470 --> 01:41:00,513 What do you like? 2120 01:41:00,597 --> 01:41:02,515 Can I show you what I like? 2121 01:41:02,599 --> 01:41:05,268 - Okay. - ♪ You've got let your body... ♪ 2122 01:41:07,938 --> 01:41:11,566 Hey, hi, it's-- it's me and, uh, 2123 01:41:11,650 --> 01:41:15,528 I'm on my way to your house. I want to do whatever you want to do, okay? 2124 01:41:15,612 --> 01:41:17,697 50 dates, 100. 2125 01:41:17,781 --> 01:41:19,699 I hope not, but-- whatever. 2126 01:41:19,783 --> 01:41:22,118 I'm gonna see you soon, okay? 2127 01:41:22,201 --> 01:41:24,037 Bye. 2128 01:41:24,120 --> 01:41:27,415 Mm-hmm. ( moans ) 2129 01:41:28,625 --> 01:41:31,711 Oh, it's so hot in here. 2130 01:41:31,795 --> 01:41:36,508 I want to introduce you to my friend. 2131 01:41:36,591 --> 01:41:40,512 - ♪ Come through my door, take off my clothes... ♪ - Your friend is so shiny. 2132 01:41:42,138 --> 01:41:45,433 This guy knows exactly what I like. 2133 01:41:45,517 --> 01:41:47,519 ( giggles ) 2134 01:41:49,938 --> 01:41:51,982 Where's your friend going? 2135 01:41:52,065 --> 01:41:54,233 - ( moaning ) - Whew. 2136 01:41:54,317 --> 01:41:56,611 This is how I'm gonna warm up for you. 2137 01:41:56,695 --> 01:41:59,072 That's always good, to warm up. 2138 01:41:59,155 --> 01:42:01,033 You don't want to pull something. 2139 01:42:01,115 --> 01:42:03,702 - ( moaning ) - ♪ Tell me your secrets ♪ 2140 01:42:03,785 --> 01:42:07,163 ♪ And I-- I'll tell you mine ♪ 2141 01:42:09,415 --> 01:42:11,584 ♪ I'm feeling quite sexy ♪ 2142 01:42:11,668 --> 01:42:15,088 ♪ And I want you for tonight ♪ 2143 01:42:15,171 --> 01:42:18,132 ♪ If I move too fast, just let me know... ♪ 2144 01:42:18,216 --> 01:42:20,134 Wow. 2145 01:42:20,218 --> 01:42:22,971 This is graphic. 2146 01:42:23,055 --> 01:42:26,432 ( laughing pleasurably ) 2147 01:42:26,516 --> 01:42:30,186 ♪ And I like a man that goes ♪ 2148 01:42:30,269 --> 01:42:34,190 ♪ Baby, it's yours, all yours ♪ 2149 01:42:34,273 --> 01:42:37,861 - ♪ If you want it tonight... ♪ - I can't do it. 2150 01:42:37,944 --> 01:42:39,612 ♪ I'll give you... ♪ 2151 01:42:39,696 --> 01:42:41,447 ( whispers ) God! What are you doing here?! 2152 01:42:41,531 --> 01:42:44,242 We came here 'cause we were concerned about you and Trish, 2153 01:42:44,325 --> 01:42:46,452 and now I could not give a fuck. 2154 01:42:46,536 --> 01:42:48,955 How did you even know where she lives? 2155 01:42:49,039 --> 01:42:50,957 I hit it, like eight months back. 2156 01:42:51,041 --> 01:42:53,043 - What?! - Never gave her back the key. 2157 01:42:53,126 --> 01:42:56,462 Man, you-- you have no idea where this is going. That girl is a freak. 2158 01:42:56,546 --> 01:42:58,798 Beth: Oh, it's happening! It's happening! 2159 01:42:58,882 --> 01:43:00,466 Andy! ( screaming ) 2160 01:43:00,550 --> 01:43:02,969 - Oh, you think? - We've been talking, 2161 01:43:03,053 --> 01:43:06,305 and-- look. If you love Trish, you can't do this. 2162 01:43:06,389 --> 01:43:09,893 Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, 2163 01:43:09,976 --> 01:43:11,770 I don't even know who I am. 2164 01:43:11,853 --> 01:43:13,939 All I know is that woman 2165 01:43:14,022 --> 01:43:16,190 scares the shit out of me 2166 01:43:16,274 --> 01:43:18,068 and I just want to go home, okay? 2167 01:43:18,151 --> 01:43:20,528 - Let's go. - Yeah, we should all get out of here. 2168 01:43:20,612 --> 01:43:23,073 - Okay. - Cal: We should all go. 2169 01:43:23,156 --> 01:43:26,409 - It wasn't that good for me. - We should totally get out of here. 2170 01:43:26,492 --> 01:43:29,454 - We should run away from here. - ( Beth squealing ) 2171 01:43:35,585 --> 01:43:37,670 - Hey. - ( Beth laughs ) 2172 01:43:37,754 --> 01:43:39,714 Cal. 2173 01:43:39,798 --> 01:43:41,507 ( horn blaring ) 2174 01:43:41,591 --> 01:43:44,094 Go around! 2175 01:43:44,177 --> 01:43:46,304 Come on, just go around me! 2176 01:43:49,599 --> 01:43:51,851 Can't you hear me?! 2177 01:43:57,816 --> 01:43:59,651 Hey, there. 2178 01:43:59,734 --> 01:44:01,569 Hi, Trish. 2179 01:44:01,653 --> 01:44:05,406 ( exhales ) Oh, man, I'm really sorry about tonight. 2180 01:44:05,490 --> 01:44:07,575 What's this? 2181 01:44:07,659 --> 01:44:09,661 Oh, those are David's. 2182 01:44:11,412 --> 01:44:13,247 I think he has a problem. 2183 01:44:13,331 --> 01:44:15,374 These are David's? 2184 01:44:15,458 --> 01:44:18,419 - He's into that. - David's... 2185 01:44:18,503 --> 01:44:20,546 "Boner Jams '03"? 2186 01:44:20,630 --> 01:44:22,924 Yeah, God, it was-- it's so sad. 2187 01:44:23,008 --> 01:44:25,593 He compiled all the best boner scenes I guess. 2188 01:44:25,677 --> 01:44:28,763 - ( slams tapes ) - This isn't what it looks like, okay? 2189 01:44:28,847 --> 01:44:31,265 What does this look like? 2190 01:44:31,349 --> 01:44:34,268 A vagina. 2191 01:44:34,352 --> 01:44:36,437 - And what do you with this vagina? - To learn. 2192 01:44:36,521 --> 01:44:39,524 - It's for medicinal purposes. - ( groans ) 2193 01:44:39,607 --> 01:44:42,485 - Hey, I'm sorry. God-- - What's this? 2194 01:44:42,568 --> 01:44:44,696 This your-- your date drug? 2195 01:44:44,779 --> 01:44:48,033 - Your roofie? - It's a Mentos. 2196 01:44:48,116 --> 01:44:51,953 - They're the Freshmaker. - Yeah, right. 2197 01:44:52,037 --> 01:44:55,248 What are you some kind of sex pervert, a deviant-- 2198 01:44:55,331 --> 01:44:57,959 - No, I'm not a sexual deviant. - Well, what is all this? 2199 01:44:58,043 --> 01:45:00,419 I haven't even tried to have sex with you, so-- 2200 01:45:00,503 --> 01:45:03,381 What are you trying to do? What are you buttering me up for? 2201 01:45:03,464 --> 01:45:06,342 - Aw, come on. - You're not gonna try and kill me, are you? 2202 01:45:06,425 --> 01:45:09,387 - Look, Trish-- - You didn't get a new carpet... 2203 01:45:09,470 --> 01:45:11,347 I am not trying to kill you. 2204 01:45:11,430 --> 01:45:13,599 I love you. 2205 01:45:13,683 --> 01:45:15,476 - I love you! - Oh God! Oh! 2206 01:45:15,560 --> 01:45:17,729 Trish. 2207 01:45:23,776 --> 01:45:25,528 ( car door slams ) 2208 01:45:25,611 --> 01:45:28,198 Trish! No no! 2209 01:45:28,281 --> 01:45:30,783 No! No, Trish, stop! 2210 01:45:30,867 --> 01:45:32,660 ( tires squealing ) 2211 01:45:32,744 --> 01:45:35,914 ♪ I never meant to be so bad to you... ♪ 2212 01:45:35,997 --> 01:45:40,001 - Come on, Trish! - ♪ One thing I said that I would never do... ♪ 2213 01:45:40,085 --> 01:45:42,254 I need to talk to you! 2214 01:45:42,336 --> 01:45:45,090 - No! - ♪ A look from you and I would fall from grace... ♪ 2215 01:45:45,173 --> 01:45:47,050 Damn it! 2216 01:45:47,133 --> 01:45:51,846 ♪ And that would wipe the smile right from my face ♪ 2217 01:45:51,930 --> 01:45:54,557 ♪ It was the heat of the moment ♪ 2218 01:45:56,268 --> 01:45:59,687 ♪ Telling me what your heart meant ♪ 2219 01:45:59,771 --> 01:46:01,898 ♪ The heat of the moment ♪ 2220 01:46:01,981 --> 01:46:05,735 ♪ Shone in your eyes ♪ 2221 01:46:05,818 --> 01:46:08,780 ♪ It was the heat of the moment ♪ 2222 01:46:08,863 --> 01:46:13,743 - ♪ The heat of the moment... ♪ - Andy: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! 2223 01:46:13,826 --> 01:46:16,204 - ( grunts ) - ( bicycle bell rings ) 2224 01:46:16,288 --> 01:46:19,624 - Ah! - Oh! Oh my God! 2225 01:46:19,707 --> 01:46:21,417 ( tires squealing, horns blaring ) 2226 01:46:21,500 --> 01:46:24,296 - Wow. - Oh, Andy. 2227 01:46:24,378 --> 01:46:26,172 Andy, oh my God! 2228 01:46:26,256 --> 01:46:28,174 Call 911! 2229 01:46:28,258 --> 01:46:30,384 - Oh my-- Andy! - Wow wow. 2230 01:46:30,468 --> 01:46:33,638 - Oh my God. - Yep, just-- I'm gonna need a minute. 2231 01:46:33,721 --> 01:46:35,890 - Oh my-- - I'm in a lot of pain right now. 2232 01:46:35,974 --> 01:46:38,226 Oh my God, are you okay? 2233 01:46:38,310 --> 01:46:40,561 ( groans ) There were two sides to that billboard, 2234 01:46:40,645 --> 01:46:42,396 and they both hurt equally. 2235 01:46:42,480 --> 01:46:45,233 Oh, Andy! Andy. 2236 01:46:45,317 --> 01:46:47,068 ( exhales ) 2237 01:46:47,152 --> 01:46:49,904 - Are you okay? - I'm okay. 2238 01:46:49,988 --> 01:46:52,406 No, I'm not okay. 2239 01:46:52,490 --> 01:46:54,367 I'm a virgin. 2240 01:46:56,369 --> 01:46:58,454 A what? 2241 01:46:58,537 --> 01:47:02,041 I'm a virgin. I always have been. 2242 01:47:02,125 --> 01:47:05,461 - Shoot. - Andy, is that what all this was about? 2243 01:47:05,544 --> 01:47:07,630 I'm sorry. 2244 01:47:07,713 --> 01:47:10,424 You're just a virgin, that's all? 2245 01:47:10,508 --> 01:47:13,136 - Yeah. - That's good. That's a good thing. 2246 01:47:14,804 --> 01:47:16,931 I feel stupid. 2247 01:47:18,808 --> 01:47:21,186 It's okay, I thought you were trying to kill me. 2248 01:47:21,269 --> 01:47:23,271 ( laughs ) 2249 01:47:23,355 --> 01:47:25,106 No. 2250 01:47:25,190 --> 01:47:27,192 Oh my God. 2251 01:47:27,275 --> 01:47:29,277 No, I'm not trying to kill you. 2252 01:47:32,989 --> 01:47:35,825 ( grunts ) That's why I never tried to have sex with you. 2253 01:47:35,908 --> 01:47:38,119 I was scared. 2254 01:47:38,203 --> 01:47:40,079 Okay, I just-- 2255 01:47:40,163 --> 01:47:41,956 'cause I didn't know what I was doing, 2256 01:47:42,040 --> 01:47:44,292 I just didn't think it would be good. 2257 01:47:44,376 --> 01:47:46,752 Of course it'll be good, we love each other. 2258 01:47:48,546 --> 01:47:50,798 Really? 2259 01:47:50,882 --> 01:47:52,842 I love you. 2260 01:47:54,302 --> 01:47:56,304 Yeah. 2261 01:47:58,764 --> 01:48:01,976 ( horn blaring ) Get the fuck out of the road, virgin! 2262 01:48:02,060 --> 01:48:05,730 Shut up, you fuckin' jerk! 2263 01:48:05,813 --> 01:48:08,400 No, that's okay. That's all right! Sorry! 2264 01:48:10,068 --> 01:48:11,986 You know what? For so long, 2265 01:48:12,070 --> 01:48:14,572 I've thought that there was something wrong with me, 2266 01:48:14,655 --> 01:48:16,490 because it had never happened. 2267 01:48:16,574 --> 01:48:19,160 But... 2268 01:48:19,244 --> 01:48:23,373 I realize now that it was just because I was waiting for you. 2269 01:48:48,314 --> 01:48:50,942 This is some wedding. How did they pay for all of it? 2270 01:48:51,025 --> 01:48:54,737 Dude sells his toys and makes like a half a million dollars. 2271 01:48:54,820 --> 01:48:56,697 - That's crazy, right? - That's fuckin' crazy. 2272 01:48:56,781 --> 01:48:58,699 We gonna get some fuckin' toys. 2273 01:48:58,783 --> 01:49:00,910 We are all so happy for you, 2274 01:49:00,993 --> 01:49:03,204 and I am delighted 2275 01:49:03,288 --> 01:49:05,206 to say these words: 2276 01:49:05,290 --> 01:49:08,084 Andy, you may kiss the bride. 2277 01:49:11,963 --> 01:49:13,923 ( guests applauding ) 2278 01:49:17,302 --> 01:49:19,262 Yeah! 2279 01:49:19,345 --> 01:49:21,889 Woo! 2280 01:49:21,973 --> 01:49:24,934 And for God's sake, consummate the thing! 2281 01:49:30,398 --> 01:49:31,774 No no no, stop it! 2282 01:49:31,857 --> 01:49:33,985 I have the key, I have the key. 2283 01:49:36,237 --> 01:49:39,240 - Ah! - ( machine whirring ) 2284 01:49:39,324 --> 01:49:41,075 - ( whirring stops ) - Hey. I'm not gonna be done 2285 01:49:41,159 --> 01:49:43,411 buffing the marble for about a half an hour, 2286 01:49:43,495 --> 01:49:46,747 but you can come in and sit down if you want. 2287 01:49:46,831 --> 01:49:49,708 Or wait in the lobby, it's okay. It's up to you. 2288 01:49:49,792 --> 01:49:52,003 ( machine whirring ) 2289 01:49:53,671 --> 01:49:55,673 ( singing in Spanish) 2290 01:49:57,509 --> 01:49:59,760 Dude, get the fuck out of here! 2291 01:49:59,844 --> 01:50:01,304 ( whirring stops ) 2292 01:50:01,387 --> 01:50:03,389 ( moaning ) 2293 01:50:08,853 --> 01:50:11,063 Ah. 2294 01:50:11,147 --> 01:50:13,149 - Ready? - Yeah. 2295 01:50:13,232 --> 01:50:15,234 Yeah? 2296 01:50:18,696 --> 01:50:20,906 - Yes. - Yeah. 2297 01:50:26,579 --> 01:50:28,414 Whoa. 2298 01:50:28,498 --> 01:50:30,458 You're officially not a virgin. 2299 01:50:31,750 --> 01:50:33,752 Cool. 2300 01:50:39,717 --> 01:50:42,011 - ( sighs ) - Wow. 2301 01:50:43,971 --> 01:50:45,973 Ooh. 2302 01:50:48,976 --> 01:50:51,604 Wanna do it again? 2303 01:50:51,687 --> 01:50:54,106 - Yeah, sure. - Good, okay. 2304 01:50:55,483 --> 01:50:57,651 That was-- that was good. That was okay. 2305 01:51:01,280 --> 01:51:02,823 - Okay. - Okay, you ready? 2306 01:51:02,907 --> 01:51:05,659 - Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm fine. 2307 01:51:13,292 --> 01:51:15,294 ( panting ) 2308 01:51:18,423 --> 01:51:20,883 So how was that for you? 2309 01:51:25,638 --> 01:51:28,140 ♪ When the moon ♪ 2310 01:51:28,224 --> 01:51:31,477 ♪ Is in the seventh house ♪ 2311 01:51:31,561 --> 01:51:36,399 ♪ And Jupiter aligns with Mars ♪ 2312 01:51:36,482 --> 01:51:42,447 ♪ Then peace will guide the planets ♪ 2313 01:51:42,530 --> 01:51:45,741 ♪ And love will steer the stars ♪ 2314 01:51:45,824 --> 01:51:49,912 ♪ This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius ♪ 2315 01:51:49,995 --> 01:51:55,209 ♪ The age of Aquarius ♪ 2316 01:51:55,293 --> 01:52:00,381 ♪ Aquarius ♪ 2317 01:52:00,465 --> 01:52:05,219 ♪ Aquarius ♪ 2318 01:52:05,303 --> 01:52:08,264 ♪ Harmony and understanding ♪ 2319 01:52:08,347 --> 01:52:10,266 ♪ Sympathy and trust abounding ♪ 2320 01:52:10,349 --> 01:52:12,726 ♪ No more falsehoods or derisions ♪ 2321 01:52:12,810 --> 01:52:14,895 ♪ Golden living dreams of visions ♪ 2322 01:52:14,979 --> 01:52:18,065 ♪ Mystic crystal revelations ♪ 2323 01:52:18,149 --> 01:52:20,652 ♪ And the mind's true liberation ♪ 2324 01:52:20,734 --> 01:52:25,657 ♪ Aquarius ♪ 2325 01:52:25,739 --> 01:52:31,245 ♪ Aquarius. ♪ 2326 01:52:31,329 --> 01:52:35,416 ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ 2327 01:52:35,500 --> 01:52:38,586 ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ 2328 01:52:38,670 --> 01:52:42,923 ♪ The sun shine in ♪ 2329 01:52:43,007 --> 01:52:47,470 - ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ( singing scat ) 2330 01:52:47,553 --> 01:52:50,931 ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ 2331 01:52:51,015 --> 01:52:54,852 ♪ The sun shine in ♪ 2332 01:52:54,935 --> 01:52:58,105 ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ 2333 01:52:58,189 --> 01:53:01,609 - ♪ Whoa let it shine ♪ - ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ 2334 01:53:01,693 --> 01:53:06,531 - ♪ Oh, let it shine ♪ - ♪ The sun shine in ♪ 2335 01:53:06,614 --> 01:53:10,993 - ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ♪ Whoa, let it shine ♪ 2336 01:53:11,076 --> 01:53:14,330 - ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ - ♪ Let it shine, yeah ♪ 2337 01:53:14,413 --> 01:53:18,626 ♪ The sun shine in ♪ 2338 01:53:18,710 --> 01:53:22,672 - ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ♪ Let it go, yeah yeah ♪ 2339 01:53:22,755 --> 01:53:25,633 ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ 2340 01:53:25,717 --> 01:53:30,262 ♪ The sun shine in ♪ 2341 01:53:30,346 --> 01:53:34,266 - ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ - ♪ Let it shine, let it shine ♪ 2342 01:53:34,350 --> 01:53:37,603 ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ 2343 01:53:37,687 --> 01:53:42,149 ♪ The sun shine in ♪ 2344 01:53:42,233 --> 01:53:45,861 ♪ Let the sun shine ♪ 2345 01:53:45,944 --> 01:53:49,323 ♪ Let the sun shine in ♪ 2346 01:53:49,407 --> 01:53:52,993 ♪ The sun shine in. ♪ 2347 01:53:54,620 --> 01:53:56,622 ( pop rock music playing ) 2348 01:54:20,438 --> 01:54:23,190 ♪ Your technique, it leaves me weak ♪ 2349 01:54:23,274 --> 01:54:26,944 ♪ My heart knows it's the beat I seek and I found it ♪ 2350 01:54:27,027 --> 01:54:30,489 - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ - ♪ Oh, yes, I found it ♪ 2351 01:54:30,573 --> 01:54:32,991 ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2352 01:54:33,075 --> 01:54:36,579 ♪ I never worry that your love is fake ♪ 2353 01:54:36,662 --> 01:54:39,081 ♪ I'm feeling easy, and I'm feeling jake ♪ 2354 01:54:39,164 --> 01:54:42,126 - ♪ 'Cause I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2355 01:54:42,209 --> 01:54:45,588 - ♪ Oh, boy, I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2356 01:54:45,671 --> 01:54:49,049 ♪ 'Cause I never felt this way before ♪ 2357 01:54:49,133 --> 01:54:52,136 ♪ Like a dog always begging for more ♪ 2358 01:54:52,219 --> 01:54:54,221 ♪ Whoa, yeah! ♪ 2359 01:54:59,143 --> 01:55:02,814 ♪ I've been fooled by love so many times ♪ 2360 01:55:02,896 --> 01:55:06,191 ♪ I gave up on all the silly rhymes ♪ 2361 01:55:06,275 --> 01:55:09,236 ♪ Kept my feelings all inside my heart ♪ 2362 01:55:09,320 --> 01:55:12,573 ♪ A locked door, no key was cut that was to fit ♪ 2363 01:55:12,657 --> 01:55:15,743 ♪ Now I'm such a very lucky guy ♪ 2364 01:55:15,827 --> 01:55:18,704 ♪ Gang way, one side now, come on hear me say ♪ 2365 01:55:18,788 --> 01:55:21,707 ♪ We found the answer and it's plain to see ♪ 2366 01:55:21,791 --> 01:55:24,918 - ♪ Come on hear me say ♪ - ♪ That I'm for you and you're for me ♪ 2367 01:55:25,002 --> 01:55:27,880 - ♪ 'Cause I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2368 01:55:27,963 --> 01:55:32,259 - ♪ Together we found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2369 01:55:32,343 --> 01:55:35,137 ♪ I feel a quiver every time we kiss ♪ 2370 01:55:35,220 --> 01:55:37,640 ♪ The sky's the limit with a love like this ♪ 2371 01:55:37,723 --> 01:55:40,601 - ♪ 'Cause I found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2372 01:55:40,685 --> 01:55:44,271 - ♪ Together we found it ♪ - ♪ Just got lucky ♪ 2373 01:55:44,355 --> 01:55:48,359 ♪ 'Cause I never felt this way before. ♪ 190390