All language subtitles for Warren.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(tense music)

- Bollocks!

- Number six, put the gloves back!

Every time, you steal from us!

Every time!

- Well you didn't have any last week.

- Because you keep bloody stealing them!

(light music)

- Tight bastards!

- Tosser!

- Hey.

- Hello, Warren.

- [Warren] Hello, Anne.

- Good day?

- I got called a tosser.

- Oh, no, not again.

Same bloke as last time?

- No, it was a different one.

What are you making?

- Birthday cake for Pavel,
one of next-door's builders.

Oh they're ever so nice, Warren.

I have them all in every
morning, for bacon butties.

- Since when?

No wonder they bloody wave at me.

They probably think I've come
home to stock up the fridge.

- Ian said they'll be
another couple of months.

- Where does he get those clowns from?

I came home last week,

one of them had fallen asleep in the skip.

(car hooting outside)

- Charlie!

Your lift's here.

- He's not going football
training again, is he?

He can't even get in the team.

I know, but he's trying his best.

His dad was hardly a
natural sportsman either.

- I don't know, he legged it quick enough

when he met that woman
from the post office.

Here he is, Bobby Charlton.

Oi, I put that application form

for the garden center in
your room three weeks ago.

Have you rung them yet?

- The only reason you want me
to work at the garden center

is so you can get the staff discount.

- No, the only reason I want you

to work at the garden center

is so you can pay me some
bloody rent, you tit!

Mind you, 30% is 30%.

And that pond does need re-lining.

- See?

- I'm going to get changed.

- Please give the garden
center a ring, love.

He does so much for you and your brother.

And he's giving you free driving lessons.

- Mum, he doesn't even let me drive.

The last lesson we went on,

he made me sit in the boot

'cause I had mud on my tracksuit.

- Aw!

- [Charlie] Right, I'm off.

- Ooh, ask Pavel if he likes marzipan.

(internet dial-up buzzing)

- You all right, Danny?

- Yeah, Warren.

- What?

- Nothing, it's just the
internet's not working again.

- Oh, hang on a minute, I'll
get Bill Gates on the phone.

What do you want me to do about it?

- Nothing.

I was just wondering

if maybe we could look into
getting broadband or something?

I don't know anyone that's
still got dial-up anymore.

Even Nanny and Grandad have wireless.

- Why don't we just do everything

that Nanny and Grandad do?

You say something racist,
and I'll get diabetes.

- I actually picked this up from the man

behind the counter at PC World.

It's got information on all different

broadband types you can get.

There's one in here that's
38 megabits a second.

- Listen, mate.

It's Friday night,

take the evening off
from the computer, eh?

Go and see one of your mates.

I'll give you a lift, if you want.

- Okay.

Could you take me to Andre's?

- Andre's?

I'm not taking you there,
he lives bloody miles away!

Play on your PlayStation, or something.

(light music)

Come on, Charlie, if you
want this bloody lesson.

I'm not taking you dressed like that.

Go and put a shirt on,
and some smart shoes.

- We're only going for a
driving lesson, Warren,

you're not taking me out for dinner.

- Go and put on something
nice, or I'm not taking you.

- You all right, Warren?

- All right, Ian?

Finished your extension yet?

- Not yet, no.

We don't like to rush things in Preston.

It will last forever, this will.

- It'll bloody take forever,

the amount of time they spend
on their arses in my kitchen.

- Moving home already?

No, I'm just going down the
dump with all this crap.

- What have you been doing?

Digging your way back down south?

- That's very funny.

No, no such luck.

The pond needed re-lining,

I thought I might spruce
it up, while I was at it.

I've been meaning to do it for years.

- How do you mean, spruce it up?

- Make it a bit bigger.

Put in a water fountain.

Nice little rockery, that sort of thing.

- Right.

Well, I just need to...

You know, inside.

- Idiot.

(car hooting)

- Hiya, Warren.

- All right, Liz.

what do you want?

- Sisters' day out.

We're going to see that
clairvoyant in town.

- Oh, for, how much is that going to cost?

- Not a lot.

60 quid.

- 60 bloody quid!

Anne, he'd better bring them
back from the dead for that!

- Oh, Warren, he's brilliant!

Everyone's been.

Rose Ersel, Marion
Oskin, Sharon Drinkwater,

Joan Jackson went and spoke
to her old head teacher.

- I didn't know she went to school.

- He said he was very proud of her,

and always knew she'd
go on to do big things.

- Is this the same Joan Jackson

who sells tea towels on eBay?

She's not exactly Richard Branson, is she?

- No, but you should see her kitchen.

Her dishes are ever so dry.

See you later, love.

- Hold on, I'll just put Dad's
scuba-diving kit in the back.

- Bloody scuba-diving!

The only reason we moved up here

is 'cause he was on death's
door, look at him now.

He's arseing around on the
bottom of the Atlantic!

- He's doing his first triathlon Sunday.

Ta-ra, love.

- Let's hope it kills him.

We could do with the money.

No, go put a tie on.

- Oh, my God!

(upbeat music)

What's even in these?

- Hm?

Just some mud from the garden,
a couple of roof tiles,

a little bit of asbestos.

- Asbestos?

- Hmm mm.

- Should we be breathing that in?

- Well, you've been
breathing it in from the roof

for the last three years, mate.

I don't know why you're panicking now.

- I thought that stuff was dangerous.

- It is, that's why I'm getting rid of it.

- Aren't we going the
wrong way for the dump?

- I'm not going to the
bloody dump on a Saturday.

It'll be chaos.

We're just going to find
somewhere and chuck it.

- Isn't that illegal?

- All right.

What, you working for the
council now, or something?

Just concentrate on your lesson.

Put your hands at 10 to two.

- Warren, I've been on four

of your so-called driving lessons now,

and I've not even been
in the driving seat yet.

When do I actually get to drive?

- When I think you're
ready, and, while you have

that attitude, it shows
me that you're not.

All right, now we're
going to turn right here,

so, mirror, and signal, and maneuver.

Ahem!

Thank you.

Go on, out you get.

- What, am I driving?

- No, you're going in there.

- Oh, for, Warren, I'm not
going in, asking for a job.

You don't have to.

- Right, good.

- You've got an interview
in there in 10 minutes.

- What?

- I sorted you out an interview.

- You're joking!

- You weren't going to do
anything about it, where you?

- That is so out of
order, I'm not going in.

- You bloody are!

- I'm not, does Mum know about this?

- "Does Mummy know about this?"

Come on, Charlie, for Christ's sake!

You're 19, you prat!

You're gonna meet Craig.

Go on.

Out you get.

You look very smart.

Oh, they've got a DFS now as well.

Don't slam it.

Ah, you prat!

(light music)

- Does he always work out of a Harvester?

- No, last time he was in town,

he did it from a Little Chef.

He had a row with the manager

because they were no mushrooms
on his Olympic breakfast.

Apparently, he's not been back since.

- Well, you wouldn't, would you?

How will we recognize him?

- Do you think that's him?

(light music)

- Oi!

What are you doing?

Eh?

You'd better not be fly-tipping.

- No, mate, I'm getting rid of it.

It makes me sick, the way people

just dump stuff like that, you know?

- You're telling me.

Every week, they're at it.

- Some people, eh?

They should be shot.

Or burnt.

Anyway, you have a nice day, mate.

- You not taking the rest of it?

- I'm not taking that lot.

- You just said you go
around collecting it.

- Yeah, but...

That's not a problem.

I should be getting paid for this.

- It's just nice to see

there's still some good
people in this world.

God bless you, fella!

- All right.

- Ladies, let's begin.

Close your eyes, and breathe deeply.

I need you to connect with
the spirits around you.

Although, I have to say,

I can feel a very strong presence already.

Especially around you, Anne.

- Oh, I'm ever so sorry.

- I have a lady, an elderly
lady, and she's very angry.

She's angry at you, Anne.

- At me?

- Yes, she's irate.

She's shouting something about...

gardening tools.

- Gardening tools?

What kind of gardening tools?

- [Michael] I'm not sure.

I can't quite--
- A rake?

- [Michael] No, it's not a rake.

- Shears?
- No.

- Spade?
- No.

- Hoe?
- No.

- It's like Generation Game, this.

Secateurs?

- Yup, that's it, secateurs.

She's shouting about secateurs.

- I don't think we've got any secateurs.

- We've got a pair.

Does she want to borrow ours, Michael?

- Ladies, please, can we just focus.

- Can I get you anything to drink?

- Not at the minute, thank you.

- I'd love a cup of tea.

- Yes, me too, actually.

Two teas, please.

- Two teas, no problem.

- And do you still do that salad cart?

- We do, yes.

- Two salad carts, please.

Did you want a salad cart, Michael?

- No, can we just get on?

- You're not getting a
salad cart for me, are you?

- Yeah.

- No, I'm fine, I've
not long had breakfast.

- Oh, suit yourself.

Just the one salad cart, please, love.

- Can we continue, ladies?
- Sorry.

- Sorry, please.

- What is your name, spirit?

Her name is...

Pam.

- Pam?

I don't think I know a Pam.

- Not Pam, then.

Pat?

- Doesn't ring any bells.
- No.

- Polly?
- No.

- Penny?

- Pru?

- Oh Pauline, we know a Pauline!

Pauline Davis.

- It's Pauline.

I thought as much.

- Pauline Davis isn't dead, is she?

- Oh, no, that's a good point.

Does Pauline need to be dead, Michael?

- Yes, she must have passed
into the next life, yes.

- Maybe she went in the night.

- Oh, she was always very wheezy.

I heard her coming from
the bras in M&S once,

and I were all of the way
over by the baked beans.

- She's standing on a
ladder, looking over a fence.

Shouting.

- It's not Pauline, he's
talking about Peggy Patterson

from next-door but one.

- Surely, not Peggy Patterson!

Is it Peggy Patterson?

- She wants her hedge cut, in
your garden, it's overgrown.

- It is, you know.

It's Peggy Patterson.

- Michael, can you confirm
it's Peggy Patterson?

- Yes, it's Peggy Patterson!

Christ!

She's got down from her ladder now.

She's coming closer to us.

She has a stark warning,
a very grave warning.

- Does your grass needs cutting and all?

- She sees police cars,
danger and men in black.

- Like the film?

- She warns you, Anne, to stay very alert

over the next few weeks.

She says something terrible
is going to happen.

Oh, God!
- Oh, God!

- She says someone's not
going to make it out alive.

- What do you mean?

Like a murder?

Anne, that sounds like a murder.

- Oh, God!

It's a murder.

Michael, ask her who's getting murdered.

No, ask her when's the
murder taking place.

Ask her--
- Two teas?

- Right, she's going away now.

She's leaving us and
slipping back into her world.

She's going, going--

- Thanks for the warning, Peggy.

I'm ever so sorry about the hedge.

I'll get Warren to trim
it over the weekend.

- And she's gone.

- [Both] Oh!

- Actually, I will have that salad cart.

(suspenseful music)

- How did you get on?

- I start tomorrow morning.

- Oh, brilliant!

Oh, Charlie, well done!

That's brilliant.

What happened?

- Well, I walked in and said

my wanker of a stepdad
booked me an interview.

- No, you didn't.

I'm not your stepdad anyway.

We're not married.

What actually happened?

- What do you think happened, Warren?

I walked in, I chatted with Craig,

and he offered me the job.

- Oh, that's great news.

Did you tell him you
want the staff discount?

- No, I told him you
wanted the staff discount.

- What did he say?

- He said it's fine, all employees get it.

- Fantastic!

That's fantastic!

I'm proud of you!

Come on, I'll buy you a
McFlurry to celebrate.

- I don't want a McFlurry to celebrate.

I just want to sit behind
the wheel and me drive home.

- No, no.

You're far too excited to drive home.

I'll get you a McFlurry, my treat.

Don't tell your brother.

(light music)

- [Anne] Hello, Warren.

- Hello, Anne.

I've got some good news.

- Peggy Patterson wants
you to trim the hedge.

- Who?

- Peggy Patterson from next-door but one.

She showed up at the seance.

She is fuming.

- Who the bloody hell's Peggy Patterson?

- You know, died a couple of
years ago, lived at number 20.

Had a heart attack in Nando's.

Married to Ted, with the gammy eye.

You know!

- Are you telling me, that
of all the people who died

in your lifetime, the only
one that wanted to come back

and talk to you was some
random old neighbor?

She never wanted to talk
to you when she was alive.

Christ knows why she
wants to, now she's dead.

- Warren, that's not even the half of it.

She said there's going to
be a murder on the street.

- Oh, come off it, Anne!

It's all made up.

You've paid 60 quid for some charlatan

to tell you that somebody
is gonna get bumped off,

and I've got to chop down a bush.

What else happened?

- Not much, really.

Liz spoke to an accountant
from Cheltenham.

She didn't know him, but
he had some good stuff

to say about the economy.

- Oh, it was worth it, then.

I'll give the Chancellor a ring.

- Hedge first.

- What?

- Go on.

- Oh, Anne!

- Right.

(hedge trimmer sputtering)

- It's bloody run out
of petrol, or something!

- [Ian] Having a bit of
trouble with the hedge,

are you, Warren?

- No, no trouble, thank you.

- [Paula] If you're having
trouble, I'm sure Ian

would let you borrow his
electric Black and Decker one.

- No, thank you.

I don't like them.

- We're just having a
soak in the new hot tub.

Bought her today.

She's a belter, isn't she?

- No, not for me.

Not in this climate.

I prefer a shower, it's
a bit more hygienic.

- Did I hear someone's had a new hot tub?

- Oh, hello, Anne!

- Hello, Paula.

Oh, you're redoing your pond, too?

- What?

- [Paula] Yeah, Ian just thought

it could do with a little spruce up.

- Oh, did he?

- Got our new lining today too.

It's a Limber Line 4000, top-of-the-range

from that World of Ponds
shop on the high street.

- We only ever buy locally.

You've got to support your independent

Lancashire shops, haven't you?

Guarantee some quality.

- Good thinking, Paula.

Warren just buys cheap
stuff online from China.

- No, I don't.

When did I ever--

- He bought a wheelbarrow for
11 pounds last year, on eBay.

The wheel came off within a week!

- 11 pounds!

No wonder the wheel came off, Warren.

It's more of a bucket now, then.

- And there's a hole in the bottom.

- So, it's an 11 pound watering can!

- You could come and
do our plants, Warren!

(Ian and Paula laughing)

- Fantastic.

What did you say that lining was, mate?

- It's a Limber Line 4000.

- Oh, no!

Not the Limber Line 4000?

- Yeah, why?

- No reason, no reason.

It's just I've heard some
bad things about that lining.

- You what?

- It unsettles the fish,
makes them nervous and tense,

and agoraphobic.

It gives them diarrhea, apparently.

- Don't talk stupid.

- Yeah, no.

I overheard Danny saying it the other day.

- Danny, did you heck!

- Danny!

Danny, didn't somebody warn us

about the Limber Line 4000 the other day?

- The what?

- You remember, you told
me about that pond lining

that was unsettling all the fish?

- Oh, yeah.

- Speak up, lad.

- They said it was
poisonous, or something.

- Poisonous, that's it.

Really bad for the fish,

full of pesticides, microbeads and that.

- Microbeads?

- Yeah.

- Bloody hell!

- I told you to read the label.

I've got Koi carp in there.

- I hope you haven't
wasted your money, mate.

How much did that lining cost anyway?

- We can't take it back,
if we've opened it.

- Anyway, well I'll leave you be,

I can see you've got a lot on.

Right, who fancies a Domino's?

My treat.

(light music)

(voices mumbling)

Oh, for.

- Thanks a lot.

Next, please.

Warren, why are you here?

- He's only gone and stuck in
a new water feature as well.

- Who?

- Who do you bloody think?

Ian!

He knew I was getting
a new water fountain!

He bloody knew it!

I look over there today, and
he's sticking in Niagara Falls.

- [Charlie] For God's sake!

- He's racist, that's what it is.

He doesn't like anyone from down south.

- That's not racist.

- Oh, take his side, why don't you?

- Right, that is 198 pounds, 70.

- How much?

- 198 pounds 70.

- What about the discount?

- Warren, please don't make me ask

for discount on my first day.

- Well, I'm not to spend
200 quid on that shit, am I?

Where's Craig?

- Warren, no.

- Just get Craig.

I'll have a word with him.

- No, Warren, he's not even working.

- Craig!

Craig!

Craig!

- Everything okay, Charlie?

- No, it's not.

Charlie would like his discount
on these items, please.

- Are these all pond items?

- Yeah.

- Well, the discount does
not apply to pond items,

because the pond items are
owned by an external company.

So.

- Are you saying I can't have a discount?

- Sadly, not on these items, no.

- Are you taking the piss?

- I'm sorry?

- You mean I'm arseing around dropping

him off here every morning--

- Once.

- For what?

So he can spend eight hours
a week watering pissing pot

plants and I can't even get a
little windmill for my pond?

- Could you keep your
language down, please, sir?

- No, I bloody can't.

200 quid that last cost!

- Shut up, Warren!

I'm so sorry, Craig.

- There's no point working here

if you can't get the discount.

Come on, we're going home.

- No, Warren, you're going home.

I got this job, and I'm staying here.

- Oh, suddenly he wants the bloody job!

- I think it's time you left, sir.

- Give me the discount, and I will.

- Just leave, Warren, please.

- I've told you already,
you can't get one.

- You're a twat.

- You're not a twat, Craig.

- Right, get out.

- Not without that lining, I won't.

- Mo, get him out of here.

- Let me have the lining.

I'll pay for that.

I've got good money.

Get off, oi!

- You're banned, for life!
(Warren yelling)

- I'll come back when
you're not here, mate,

and I'll get the discount, you twat!

Oi, get off, I've got human rights.

All right, all right!

They don't even do a bloody discount!

Right, let's get you home,
your hour's nearly up.

- Perhaps, maybe next time,
I could have the full hour.

It's just I've only had about five minutes

actual driving today, so.

- I think you've had a bit
more than five minutes.

If you hadn't stalled it 12 times,

we might have got somewhere.

- Well, the thing is Warren, I actually--

(cellphone ringing)
- Shut up.

Anne, you won't believe this.

What?

Oh, no, don't do anything.

No.

Stay there.

All right, I'll come home.

Get out, knob head, lesson's over.

- What?

- You'll have to get the bus, mate.

Go on.

Hurry up.

(light music)

- [Anne] Who is it?

- It's me.

- [Anne] Is that you, Warren?

- Yes.

- [Anne] How do I know it's you?

You could be an impostor.

- Well, open the bloody
door and have a look.

- When was the last
time you saw my mother?

- What?

- It's a test, so I know it's you.

When was the last time you saw my mother?

- I don't know, a couple of weeks ago.

- Wrong.

She came around here Thursday,

to drop off Dad's karate kit!

- All right, ask me another one.

- Erm.

What's the capital of China?

- Are you having a pub quiz in there?

- Just answer the question.

- Do you know the answer?

- No, but I will when you say it.

- Beijing.

- It is you, thank God!

- What the bloody hell is going on, Anne?

- I think there's someone in the garage.

I think it's the murderer.

- Oh, don't be silly.

- I heard banging against the wall.

- That's probably next-door's builders,

wondering what's for dinner.

Happy now?

- Oh, yeah, I forgot I put a load on.

Maybe I should go back to the Harvester,

see if I can get some more information--

- Absolutely not.

This nonsense has to stop.

- Tea?

- Yeah.

- Beijing.

I'd have put my money on Hong Kong.

- Well.

(light music)

(suspenseful music)

Danny!

Danny!

- Jesus!

- Shut up, you prat!

It's me.

I need your help.

Right, see that black lining in the skip?

- Yeah.

- [Warren] Go on, then.

- What?

- Go, get it.

- I can't! No!

What if someone sees me?

- I'll look out for you, go on.

- I can't.

- Well, I can't, can I,
either, not with my bad back!

Go on!

- Warren, isn't this stealing?

- It's not stealing, if you've
put it in the bin, is it?

Oh, come on!

I'll get you one of those

little game console things you like.

How much are they?

- It depends.

400 quid?

- 400 quid!

All right, I'll get you something else.

Maybe a hat, or something.

Do you like hats?

- Mum says I don't look good in hats.

- Well, that suits you.

- What if we got broadband instead?

- What is it with you
and bloody broadband?

- I just want to do my homework.

- Danny, stop being such a nerd.

- Maybe I should go back to bed, Warren.

I've got school in the morning.

- All right, I'll look
into getting broadband.

But no promises.

Deal?

No promises.

Go on.

Use your back.

Pull with your back.

- It's too heavy.

- All right, on my count, one, two, three.

Christ!

- You all right, Warren?

- All right, Chris?

- What are you doing?

- You know, Danny wanted to have a chat.

- Behind a skip?

- Yeah, I didn't get it either,
but it's what he wanted.

- You all right, Danny?

- Hi, Chris.

- Why have you got a pair
of tights on your head?

- Yeah, why have you got a
pair of tights on your head?

- Because you--

- Chris, if you don't
mind, I think me and Danny

need a serious chat about his behavior.

- Say no more, teenagers!

Goodnight.

- Yeah, I hear you.

Who goes for a bloody run at
half past two in the morning?

- You're definitely buying me an Xbox now.

- Yeah, whatever, come on.

Get in, and pull it over.

Go on.

- Oof!

- Keep it down, Danny!

Stop being so dramatic!

(voices mumbling)

(Anne gasps)

- Hello, police.

Yes, there's a murderer,
in my back garden,

burying my husband.

Well, partner, we're not married.

I was hoping he was going to ask,

but, well, so far, nothing.

- Chuck me over the tape measure.

- Where is it?

- It's by your foot, chuck it over here.

Oh, God!

Danny, you prat!

- You told me to chuck it.

- Not in my bloody face,
I didn't, you bell-end!

Look at me now!

I'm bleeding!

- Sorry, Warren.

Here.

(doorbell ringing)
(knocking on door)

- Christ, it's Ian!

Get back in the pond, and shut up.

Yes?

- Is everything all right, sir?

- If this is about the
lining, I can explain.

- The lining?

- Warren, was that you being
murdered in the garden?

- What's going on in the garden, sir?

- Just a bit of digging.

- At three o'clock in the morning?

- Is it three already?

- Are you there, Warren?

Speak to me.

- [Policeman] What are you digging, sir?

- A hole!

What the bloody hell do
you think I'm digging?

- Peggy, if Warren's with
you, tell him I love him.

- Do you mind if I just check

that the rest of your
family are safe, sir?

- Of course they're safe!

What do you think, I've chopped them up

and buried them in the garden?

- Do you have to take him away?

He's only ever had a
couple of parking tickets,

and one of them he got off on appeal.

- It's just standard procedure,

it's a very serious allegation.

- Yeah, I'm ever so sorry about that.

When can I come and pick him up?

It's just I promised he'd
trim the hedge by Monday.

- We'll let you know in the morning,

but we've also had reports
of his car fly-tipping,

so it could take a little longer.

- Warren, can I still get an Xbox?

- Not now, Danny.

- If Warren goes down,

does that mean I get a
new driving instructor?

- Hey!

Will you give him breakfast?

He likes brown toast with jam.

Do you have brown?

I can give you some out
of the freezer, if not.

(light music)

- [Warren] All right,
move it up to second,

don't bloody rag it!