Original subtitles

Is it just me or other sidewalk Santa's getting pushy Well tomorrow is

Christmas. I suppose they might be anticipating a certain downturn after

that Cappuccino, please So when does Frederick arrive

In six hours and 21 minutes not that I'm the least bit excited. Yes. I'm sure

he's excited to first Christmas at Daddy's I imagine he has visions of

sugar plums dancing through his head. No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets. He's

probably got visions of bran.

Well, I've got my own reason to celebrate.

Maris and I may be together again by the new year. Oh, really, Niles? Yes, yes. I

called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gifts.

And she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.

Going to cave into her, aren't you?

Au contraire, I told her I was not about to apologize, and from that point on,

the respect in her voice came through loud and clear.

No small feat, considering she was speaking at the time through the hole in

her massage table.

Hey,

double espresso, please.

This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me. I never know what to give

the men in my life.

Since when?

Funny man.

Excuse me. I'll take care of this. Oh, thank you, Niles.

So, what's new, Niles?

I had been keeping it under wraps, but Maris and I have separated.

Oh, my God.

I had no idea. I can't believe no one told me. This is such a surprise. That's

enough, Tallulah.

I'm not fooling anyone.

I'm sorry, sir. Your card didn't clear. I have to do this.

Wait, what are you doing?

The computer said credit canceled by order of co-signatory.

Maris has canceled your credit card.

Whoa, Merry Christmas.

Would you care to use a different one? There's no point. They're all in her

name.

Calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card and my

bank account and my phone service.

trouble getting on the plane. No, Bob. Bob, statistics prove that we're safer

in the air than on the ground.

No, that's not it.

I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, but the next gate over

has a flight to Maui.

I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.

Why are you hesitant to go home?

Because it's the same thing every year.

I travel 3,000 miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, and what do

we talk about?

What's going on in our lives? No. Our hopes and dreams?

No, we talk about the turkey.

Boy, that's quite a bird.

24-pounder. What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ange?

Oh, boy, that's moist.

You must have been basting that bird all day.

Are those walnuts in the stuffing?

Oh, God, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat.

But you see, the important thing is that we spend time.

With our loved ones.

Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning 6,000 miles away from

your home.

Wow. You know, that really puts it in perspective, Doc.

I got a plane to catch.

Mele Kalikimaka, Bob.

We'll be right back after these messages.

Oh, Ross, what did they say? What did they say? Oh, relax.

Frederick's flight is still on time. He'll be here in less than three hours.

Oh, and the florist called, and you can pick up your wreath on your way home.

Oh, fabulous. You know, every year, Dad puts that kitschy creature with the red

light bulb nose on the door.

Hey, great party!

Best one ever, thanks to me. I hired a stripper.

Doc, you will never guess what her name is.

Candy Cane.

of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review.

Vile bouquet, unwholesome color, ghastly taste, and a kick that is simply heaven.

Okay, 30 seconds, Fraser.

Out. Hey,

Ross. You know what's over my head? Almost any clever remark.

What do you mean by that?

Oh,

listen, Ross.

I know you've got a plane to catch, and the traffic to the airport is probably

very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just

take off early?

You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again,

aren't you?

Yes, I am. Yeah. It would be a lot easier without you sitting over there

sticking your finger in your throat. Right.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Rod.

Say hi to Frederick. Yes, and say hi to your mom for me. Will do.

Okay.

Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know,

Every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the

Christmas season.

So without any further ado, I give you the story of Olaf, the

lonely little goat herd.

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a lonely little goat herd he had no

family and no playthings so to amuse himself one day he carved a little

wooden flute a flute which he used to play during the long lonely

evenings and the tune it made was very lovely and all the people in the village

below could hear the pure glorious sound this is all very amusing but nothing you

can do is going to distract me

One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music. And while that boy had

all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goat herd's

flute. So one dark night, one dark, windy night,

the merchant's son stole his precious instrument. But when he took that flute

home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits. And the

little goat herd came down the mountain the next morning.

and saw his flute was broken.

Yikes!

He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son.

And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goat herd, and... Oh, mama!

He said, well, upon meeting the merchant's wife, and somewhere along the

way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.

There, now, you see? Nice try.

Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves that the power

of my message cannot be stayed.

For God's sake, what am I, a robot?

What's the matter with Rudolph? Well, Dad, you know, I just think that

Christmas decorations should be understated and tasteful. Boy, I can't

even have one thing that I want.

Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead.

Christmas is all over again.

Only now Mom isn't here to say, shut up, you'll hurt his feelings.

Oh, don't be such a grinch.

Ho, ho, ho.

It works when you step on the mat.

Ho, ho, ho.

It can say, ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Yes, well, I hope it

can say Geronimo because I'm going to throw him off the balcony.

Well, I don't care what you think. It's not for you, it's for Frederick.

God, I suppose you're right, Taylor.

I used to love this stuff when I was six.

By the time I was seven, I started to have questions.

When I was eight, I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins.

Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house.

So you've been busy in the kitchen.

Yeah, I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff.

It's a still flower pudding boiled in a cloth bag.

Who gets to lick the bag?

You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient.

She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash.

As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was

ready.

You know, to this day, the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday

spirit.

Bye. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

You know, someone's going to have to go back down to the storeroom. There's

still something missing. You must be kidding, Dad. My God, this place

couldn't look any more ludicrous.

Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard, the rest of

the idea just fell into place.

Niles, hello, Frazier.

I know,

I know. Shut up. It'll hurt his feelings.

So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Marisol?

No, but I had an epiphany.

I realized.

Cutting off my funds is Maris' way of saying, I love you.

She always uses money to get what she wants. Ergo, this is proof she wants me

back. What do you think?

Oh, oh, oh.

I think Santa said it all for us.

Dad, you have to get out more.

You've started doing old lady things.

It's for Frederick.

Oh, of course it is.

Oh, that reminds me. I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the

airport to pick up Frederick?

Oh, of course you may, nice.

Just have to wrap up his presents first. Wonderful.

So what'd you get Freddy?

Well, actually, Dad, I ordered from the toy catalog from the special section

called Gifts for the Gifted. I got him the junior astronomer set and the

geology lab. Oh, and, oh, God.

a fabulous thing called the living brain.

You get to paint each lobe a different color, and then you stuff it inside the

living skull.

Hey, you know what kids really like?

They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great.

The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.

Its head lights up, and it shoots death rays out of its eyes.

Yeah, a little like that.

Listen, Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes.

He's precocious. He needs to be challenged. Oh, challenge him the other

364 days.

One day out of the year, indulge him. Let him be a kid.

Dad, I'm sorry. Is there anything like me that kind of toys he'll like to play

with? A kitchen set, a dollhouse, and three kinds of Barbies.

This is for a Franklin crane from Kennebunkport.

Oh, God, do you realize what this means?

Yes. The cranes of Maine have got your living brain.

It means I don't have anything for Freddy.

God, I wanted everything to be so perfect.

Now he's gonna have a horrible Christmas. Hey, listen, it's okay.

There's a big toy store in the mall. They're open late tonight. Just don't

worry about it. Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad. My God, it's Christmas

Eve. The gifts I ordered are 3,000 miles away. My son is due in an hour. On top

of it all, I have to go to a mall.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, don't look at me. He said it.

Customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs.

Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over on the way to the

escalator. How about the woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?

That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do.

Come on, Allison, we've got five minutes.

We've got to find a sales clerk.

Oh, well, good luck.

Well, all right, then. We've got to find something ourselves, I guess. Well, hey,

hey, this looks amusing.

Oh, Niles, please, may I remind you we're looking for something educational?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons.

What's it doing?

It's flashing.

Niles, please remember that Freddy tested in the highest percentile for

cognitive skills and deductive reasoning.

What's it doing now?

It's beeping.

For God's sake. And as much as I would like to inflict this on Lilith, I'm

looking for fast and educational, all right?

Oh, God.

It's called ecto-goo. Oh, well, that sounds vaguely scientific, but what

could he possibly learn from that?

Well, for starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store.

See, I just have to remember what I ordered from the catalog, and look for

that.

First, a living brain.

Living brain?

What kind of dork wants that?

With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday.

It's up on the shelf. It's up on that shelf. Oh, Lord, it's covered with dust.

The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor?

Oh, Lord, there's nothing in it. Can I have it? It's an empty box, ma'am. I

know, but I can put my son's robo-geek in it. You know how scared he'll be when

he thinks he's getting something this nerdy?

Oh, God, this is hopeless.

We'll never find anything for Frederick. Oh, Frazier, just give him a check.

Niles, you can't give a check to a child.

That's what I'm giving him.

It has a stagecoach on it.

Miles Marris canceled your account.

Damn.

Oh, look. Look at that man's bag.

Young Minds.

Sir, excuse me. Is this store in the mall?

Yeah. And it's educational toys?

Mm-hmm. Nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down. Yes. Virginia, there is a

Santa Claus. Uh, no. They closed a half hour ago.

Damn.

Look, this is perfect. Look, it's a chemistry lab and a picture puzzle

and... You know, my son comes in in half an hour and I have absolutely nothing

for him. He'll be in in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tailwind.

You, uh, you really need this stuff bad, don't you? Oh, you have no idea. It

would save my life.

I'll tell you what.

Seeing as how it's Christmas... Oh, God bless you, sir.

A thousand bucks.

What? A thousand bucks?

Hey, take it or leave it.

I mean, there's just no more than $100 worth of things here. Ladies and

gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into the Seattle airport.

I'm just trying to do you a favor here. Well, it's some favor.

Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are in their full upright and

locked position. Shut up, Niles.

All right, all right. Let's see what I've got here.

All right, look, I've got... Here's $300. Would you accept a personal check

for the rest?

Hey, it's Christmas. Oh, bless you, bless you so much. Very well, thank you.

Niles, give the man a check.

Where's Freddy?

Putting on his pajamas.

Told him he could come in and say goodnight after he brushes his teeth. So

how'd you do?

Well, I didn't get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right. We

got him a microscope and a chemistry set and a 5,000-piece puzzle of the

Great Wall of China.

Well, maybe I'll have fun with the boxes.

Dad, here you go. This is the last box from the storeroom. Great.

Now, is this what you were looking for?

Oh, yeah.

Sad as legs for the chimney. You remember these babies?

Oh, yes.

Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under

your bed.

Frazier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few years back?

What? Hey.

Well, how'd that get in there?

Dad, these are all the gifts I've given you for the last six years. Hey, come on

now. Shut the... Close the box up. No, Dad, look at this. My God, they're still

in the original box. They've never even been worn. Sure they have.

Oh, yeah, this one still has the tags on it.

Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having on

Christmas Eve.

No, Dad?

Well, what is it you want to say?

Well, you know, Frazier, you're always giving people things that you think they

should like instead of things that they really like.

I mean, come on.

In your entire life, have you ever seen me wear anything like that?

Well, no.

Thought you might like a change.

Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember?

I wanted you to love baseball.

I wanted to get you a bat and glove, everything for Christmas. But you had

your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you.

And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent

hairs in your hot dog.

I'm just saying, Christmas isn't the time that you go trying to mold

somebody, which is what you're trying to do with Frederick. I think I know what's

good for my own son.

I brush my teeth, Daddy.

Oh, that's my boy.

Come on.

Bonsoir, Uncle Miles.

Et toi aussi.

Hey, you better get to sleep or Santa won't come.

Okay. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad.

I'll bet you don't.

Yes, I do, too. It's an Outlaw Laser Robo Geek.

What makes you think that?

Because I asked Santa for it in my letter. They are so cool.

Well, uh, listen, uh, Frederick, here's some...

Frederick, where are you going?

I'm going to make myself go to sleep right away, so the next thing I know,

it'll be morning.

Good night, Daddy. I'll come in and talk to you in a minute.

Good night, Grandpa.

Good night, Uncle Niles. Good night. Good night, Frederick. I'm going to go

home and go to bed, too.

I hope Amaris comes out of a coma.

He asked where she was. I thought the truth would just upset him.

I'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas. See you tomorrow.

Oh, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas.

Oh, it's gonna be fine.

Done it again.

Gotten everybody the wrong gift.

What is it about me?

Well, here, you may as well open your gift now.

No reason for everybody to be disappointed tomorrow.

Hey, I'm sure I'm going to love it.

I doubt it. It's not exactly my night.

Hey, a robe.

Great. I love it.

No, you don't.

It's not a robe. It's a dressing gown.

Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you.

Hey, I love Noel Coward.

Dad, you're overcompensating.

Oh, Val, you know, some people are hard to buy for. I'm sorry.

But, you know, you are, too. I never know what to get you.

Yeah. Here.

You might as well open this now.

Yeah, I guess it was easier when I was small.

The kids always know what they want, don't they? Yeah, yeah, it's rough for

adults.

Well, Dad, Merry Christmas, son.

How did you know it was just what I wanted?

My very own outlaw laser robo-geek.

Oh, Dad.

Oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included?

In the box. Oh, Dad.

Hey baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

Quite stylish.

And maybe I seem a bit confused.

Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged. Ha ha ha ha!

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

They're calling again.

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?