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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,207 IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT. 2 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:43,111 HARRY, COME OUT AND LOOK AT THE STARS WITH US. 3 00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,545 OH, NO. 4 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,948 YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME OUT FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN. 5 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,851 FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. 6 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,620 FOOL ME SIX TIMES, 7 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,688 SHAME ON ME. 8 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,390 WHAT ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT NOW? 9 00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,825 JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED 10 00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:00,060 FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE I BOUGHT AT A YARD SALE. 11 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:04,165 "DR. MARTIN BLAYNE'S PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION-- 12 00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,399 SAY YES TO YOU." 13 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,501 THIS WILL SOLVE MY CONFIDENCE PROBLEM. 14 00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:08,736 WHY DO YOU HAVE A CONFIDENCE PROBLEM? 15 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,905 WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID? 16 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,741 TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT THE STARS? 17 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,543 I HAVE STUDYING TO DO, DICK. 18 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,978 YOUR HOMEWORK IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH TIME. 19 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:21,149 YEAH. NOW THEY'VE CHANGED PHYS-ED TO HEALTH CLASS. 20 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:24,485 I HAVE TO MEMORIZE 287 DIFFERENT BODY PARTS. 21 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,320 YOU HAVE AN OWNER'S MANUAL? 22 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,425 HERE'S A PICTURE OF ALL THE DIFFERENT ORGANS 23 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,626 IN OUR ABDOMINAL CAVITY. 24 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:35,329 OHH! OH, GOD! 25 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:39,333 I READ SOMEPLACE THAT YOU CAN STRETCH A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS 26 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,035 FROM NEW YORK TO SAN FRANCISCO... 27 00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:45,239 BUT HE WOULD DIE. 28 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:49,109 LOOK. HERE'S A SECTION ON VIRGINITY AND ABSTINENCE. 29 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,611 I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED SEX YET, 30 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,647 SO I GUESS THAT MAKES ME A VIRGIN. 31 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,015 CONGRATULATIONS. 32 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,250 THANKS. 33 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,618 IT FEELS KIND OF WEIRD. 34 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,220 I'M PROUD OF IT, 35 00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,989 BUT I'M ALSO A LITTLE EMBARRASSED. 36 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,358 DO MEN HAVE ANYTHING THEY'RE BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED OF 37 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,361 AT THE SAME TIME? 38 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:11,699 DRAWING A BLANK. NO. NO, NO. 39 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:18,739 "EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDEDIAH, 40 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,441 "JEDEDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM, 41 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,142 EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL." 42 00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:26,580 MAN, THESE PEOPLE BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT. 43 00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:27,815 GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON. 44 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,049 HELLO. 45 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:29,950 WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? 46 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:30,851 MY WHAT? 47 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,986 I'M UPDATING THE OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST. 48 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,488 DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? 49 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,889 ARE YOU PLEADING THE FIFTH? 50 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,658 THE FIFTH SOUNDS FINE. THIS MONTH. 51 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,761 AH. THAT'S THIS MONDAY. 52 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,129 HOW OLD WILL YOU BE? 53 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,564 WHY DO YOU NEED A SPECIFIC NUMBER? 54 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,666 ARE YOU KEEPING SCORE? 55 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,302 IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET SENSITIVE, NEVER MIND. 56 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,471 I DON'T SEE WHY AGE IS SO IMPORTANT. 57 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,806 YOU GOT A MILESTONE CREEPING UP ON YOU? 58 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,041 NO, NO. 59 00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,844 THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR. 60 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:57,811 GOOD MORNING. 61 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:58,912 HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT. 62 00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:01,215 AH, LAURIE, DR. SOLOMON. 63 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,115 LAURIE IVERS. 64 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,083 HELLO. 65 00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,585 YOU HAVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE. 66 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:05,353 THANKS. 67 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,688 LAURIE'S VISITING THE CAMPUS. 68 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,724 YOU ARE IN REALLY EXCELLENT CONDITION. 69 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,426 THANK YOU. I WORK OUT. 70 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,829 OH, I CAN TELL. IT'S VERY FIRM. 71 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,532 LAURIE'S STUDYING FOR HER DOCTORATE IN ANTHROPOLOGY. 72 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,601 SHE'S CONSIDERING COMING TO PENDLETON. 73 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,570 YOU'VE CHOSEN A MEDIOCRE INSTITUTION, 74 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,905 AND WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU. 75 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,006 THANKS. 76 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,709 WOULD YOU SHAKE MY HAND AGAIN? 77 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,611 UMM...I SUPPOSE. 78 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:31,945 OH. 79 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:37,017 NINA, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE LAURIE TO THE LIBRARY 80 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,786 TO SHOW HER THE INCA EXHIBIT? 81 00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,221 EXHIBIT? IT'S THREE COINS AND A SPOON. 82 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:44,592 DON'T SPOIL IT FOR HER. JUST TAKE HER. 83 00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,394 IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. 84 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:49,730 WHAT A COINCIDENCE! IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU! 85 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,634 WILL YOU ACT YOUR AGE? 86 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,168 WHAT'S MY AGE HAVE TO DO WITH IT? 87 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:56,437 LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. 88 00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,938 I DON'T KNOW. WELL, I DO. 89 00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,607 WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 90 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,709 ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE 91 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,978 I DIDN'T APPRECIATE HAVING MIDDLE-AGED MEN FAWN OVER ME. 92 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,381 YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE? 93 00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,052 YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. 94 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,888 VERY WELL. NOT IT IS. 95 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,064 YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK BROUGHT IT TO US? 96 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,967 UH-HUH. 97 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,137 WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WANTS? 98 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,673 WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TELL US? 99 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,375 THE THING THAT SCARES ME THE MOST 100 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:37,945 ARE THE LITTLE ORANGES IN ITS STOMACH. 101 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,884 HELLO. I'M DR. MARTIN BLAYNE. 102 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,987 COME JOIN ME ON A PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. 103 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,288 SAY YES TO YOU. 104 00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,124 YES. 105 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,793 FIRST, YOU SHOULD LEARN TO BE COMFORTABLE 106 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,362 TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF. 107 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,664 WHEN ASKED YOUR NAME, SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR. 108 00:04:56,697 --> 00:05:00,401 LET'S TRY THIS OUT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 109 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,070 THAT'S A GREAT NAME. 110 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,972 WHAT IS YOUR PRIMARY GOAL? 111 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,040 HARRY SOLOMON. 112 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,612 TOMMY, SALLY, HARRY, COME IN HERE! 113 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,212 AAH! 114 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,313 WHAT'S THAT? 115 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,583 DON'T WORRY. WE'VE KILLED IT. 116 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,185 SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO TALK. 117 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,353 WHAT IS IT? 118 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,055 THERE'S AN IMPORTANT DETAIL WE FORGOT. 119 00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,256 WE NEED BIRTHDAYS. 120 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,893 NO, THANKS. THIS GUY AT A RESTAURANT HAD A BIRTHDAY. 121 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:30,063 THEY SET HIS FOOD ON FIRE AND BLEW ON IT. 122 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,232 NEVERTHELESS, WE NEED THEM. 123 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,901 WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW OLD WE ARE. 124 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,803 WE'RE EXPECTED TO ACT OUR AGE, 125 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,705 AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 126 00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,072 HOW DO WE FIND OUT? 127 00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,073 WE'RE SMART. WE'LL GUESS. 128 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:42,242 HOW OLD AM I? 129 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:43,276 I'M GONNA SAY... 130 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,478 35. 131 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:47,415 WHAT'S SO FUNNY? 132 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,650 IT KIND OF SOUNDS RIDICULOUS. 133 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,318 O.K. 39. 134 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,621 KEEP GOING. COME ON. 135 00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:54,788 40? 136 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,459 41, 2, 3, 4... 137 00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,226 UH...5! 138 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,128 5! 5! 45! O.K. 139 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,563 45's FINE. 140 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,698 BODY'S BROKEN IN. STILL SOLID. 141 00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,367 NOT TOO OLD TO HAVE SEX. 142 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,938 UH, COMMANDER, PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY. 143 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,005 PERMISSION GRANTED. 144 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,908 HUMANS OVER 35 CANNOT HAVE SEX. 145 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:15,609 NO! 146 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:16,710 GIVE IT UP. IT'S OVER. 147 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,747 WHY? THEY HAVE THE SAME EQUIPMENT. 148 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,282 'CAUSE IT'S GROSS. THAT'S WHY. 149 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,417 HOW OLD ARE YOU? 150 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:24,452 14. 151 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,653 CAN YOU HAVE SEX? 152 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,488 I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO. WHY NOT? 153 00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:31,892 APPARENTLY, I HAVE MY WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF ME. 154 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,462 DICK, CAN I BE 70? 155 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,295 WHY? 156 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,198 WELL, THAT PAUL NEWMAN GUY IS 70. 157 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,534 PEOPLE SAY HE LOOKS GREAT. 158 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:42,069 DONE. YOU'RE 70. 159 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:42,970 AND? 160 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,938 YOU LOOK GREAT. 161 00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:46,907 [MOUTHS WORDS] 162 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,609 SALLY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? 163 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:51,144 WELL, WHATEVER THE PERFECT AGE IS, 164 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,946 I'M IT. 165 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,582 MAYBE I GOT STUCK WITH BEING A WOMAN, 166 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,517 BUT AT LEAST I'M IN MY PRIME. 167 00:06:56,550 --> 00:07:00,287 CHECK OUT HOW FIRM THIS IS. 168 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,592 IF I WAS A GUY, I'D BE ALL OVER ME RIGHT NOW. 169 00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:08,361 IF I WAS A GUY, I WOULD BE, TOO. 170 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,736 NOW THAT YOU BOYS ARE GOING THROUGH THE ROAD TO MANHOOD, 171 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:20,107 I'M SURE MANY OF YOU HAVE NOTICED CERTAIN FEELINGS. 172 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,576 WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON? 173 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,944 WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS? 174 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,145 YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS. 175 00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:27,114 UH, NO, I DON'T. 176 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,315 YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU GET THEM. 177 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,851 THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL. 178 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,253 FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T ACT ON THEM. 179 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,088 UH, SORRY. YOU'RE LOSING ME. 180 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,791 YOU PLAY SPORTS, FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK, 181 00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,560 AND WHEN YOU SHOWER, 182 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,863 WASH YOUR HAIR, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. 183 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:45,733 OH! YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX! 184 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,700 YES. 185 00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:47,701 GREAT! GREAT! 186 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:50,070 TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT'S DONE. 187 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,907 WELL... 188 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,243 YOUR, UH...MEN... 189 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:58,746 AND YOUR MALE AND YOUR FEMALE... 190 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,448 THEY HAVE THESE CERTAIN PARTS 191 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,517 THAT ARE, UH... 192 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:07,420 HOW DO YOU CALL, UH... 193 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,090 COMPLEMENTARY TO EACH OTHER. 194 00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:13,994 THESE PARTS COME INTO PLAY... 195 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:18,365 AND THAT'S HOW WE ALL WERE BORN. 196 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,934 I'M SORRY, BUT CAN WE GET SOMEBODY WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX 197 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,170 TO TEACH THIS CLASS? 198 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,371 HEY! 199 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,309 THANKS FOR SHOWING ME AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY. 200 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,411 YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN. 201 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,413 I KNOW. 202 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:34,882 LAURIE, I WAS HAVING A DISCUSSION 203 00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:37,184 WITH A YOUNG MAN LAST NIGHT. 204 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,619 HE SAID THAT SOMEONE MY AGE 205 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,621 WAS TOO OLD TO-- 206 00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:41,555 UH... 207 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,591 JUST TOO OLD. 208 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,292 THAT'S SO TYPICAL OF OUR CULTURE. 209 00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,327 YOU KNOW, IN MANY ANCIENT SOCIETIES, 210 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,962 LIKE THE INCAS, 211 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:51,398 AGE WAS WORSHIPPED AND REVERED. 212 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:52,633 THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING FOR. 213 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,268 HA HA HA! 214 00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,771 EXACTLY WHEN DOES PUBERTY END FOR A MAN? 215 00:08:57,805 --> 00:09:00,207 SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH. 216 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:05,445 GUYS MY AGE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO PROVE SOMETHING, 217 00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,915 NOT LIKE OLDER MEN. 218 00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,316 THEY'VE BEEN THERE. 219 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,684 THEY'VE DONE IT. 220 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,586 IT SHOWS. 221 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,087 UH, LIKE YOU. 222 00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,856 YOU'VE REALLY GOT YOUR HEAD TOGETHER. 223 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,357 ACTUALLY, IT CAME THAT WAY. 224 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,693 HA HA HA! 225 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,831 WELL, I'D BETTER GET MOVING. 226 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:24,632 YOU ARE MOVING. 227 00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:28,135 EVERYTHING ON THIS PLANET IS MOVING. 228 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,336 YOU ARE SO CLEVER. 229 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,538 OH. 230 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,173 WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT. 231 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,142 BYE. 232 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,109 SEE YA. 233 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,646 BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL LOOKING. 234 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,422 YOU CAN BREATHE NOW. 235 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:52,025 HEY, IF YOU CAN CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT ME, 236 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,794 WHAT WOULD IT BE? 237 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,030 NOTHING. 238 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,999 BINGO. 239 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,402 DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, HUH? 240 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:06,173 CHECK THIS OUT. SEE HOW THIS CURVES IN? 241 00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,808 WATCH THIS. 242 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,276 UPSY-DAISY. 243 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,345 SPRINGS BACK JUST LIKE A CAT. 244 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,215 LAURIE SAYS THAT MEN MY AGE 245 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:18,318 SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED AND REVERED LIKE THE INCAS. 246 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,452 DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT? 247 00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,221 OH, YES. 248 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,390 THE INCAS WOULD TAKE A PROMINENT MAN-- 249 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,293 LIKE YOU-- 250 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,295 AND THEY WOULD ANOINT HIM WITH OILS, 251 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,830 ADORN HIM WITH ROBES, 252 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:32,666 AND THEN THE HIGH PRIEST WOULD CUT HIM UP 253 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,802 AND THEN RAM A STICK IN HIS HEAD 254 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,470 AND PARADE THE HEAD THROUGH THE VILLAGE, 255 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,741 AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS WOULD THROW FLOWERS AT HIM. 256 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,511 WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS? 257 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:51,218 IT SAYS HERE THIS IS GUARANTEED TO RESTORE YOUR NATURAL LUSTER. 258 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:54,187 OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING YOUR LUSTER BACK. 259 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,423 THAT'S WONDERFUL! HOW MUCH LONGER? 260 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,026 OH, UH... TWO MINUTES. 261 00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,461 WELCOME BACK TO THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT. 262 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,231 AND NOW WE CONTINUE WITH OUR PARADE OF NATIONS. 263 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,933 MISS FINLAND. 264 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:09,002 WELL, THEY ONLY HAVE CONTESTANTS FROM EARTH. 265 00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:12,505 I THINK THIS PAGEANT IS FIXED. 266 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:13,941 THESE WOMEN SHOULD BE ENORMOUS. 267 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:17,577 MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL. 268 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,547 I THINK I'M FEELING IT. 269 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:24,051 MY PRIMARY GOAL IS TO MEET MISS FINLAND. 270 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,720 I WI MEET MISS FINLAND. 271 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:30,490 I DESER TO MEET MISS FINLAND. 272 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,593 WHOA! CHECK OUT THE YAHBOS ON MISS TUNISIA. 273 00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:36,730 I DESERVE THOSE YAHBOS. 274 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,231 THOSE WOMEN, 275 00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,168 THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT, HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG. 276 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,435 THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY. 277 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,337 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. 278 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,908 EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TV OR OPEN A MAGAZINE, 279 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,609 I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME. 280 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,912 ALL THE ADS ARE AIMED AT ME. 281 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,847 I AM WHAT COUNTS. 282 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,716 I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF SOMETHING, LIEUTENANT. 283 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,787 IF I DON'T WATCH A TV SHOW, IT'S CANCELED. 284 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,089 I DON'T LIKE A SOFT DRINK? HISTORY. 285 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,925 IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS, 286 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:08,528 THEY'LL MAKE ONE WITH A PROPELLER. 287 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,964 I AM THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC. 288 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,199 FACE IT, DICK. 289 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:16,003 I'M YOUNG, HOT, AND ALL-POWERFUL. 290 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,671 YOU JUST SAID YES TO YOU. 291 00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:19,873 [DING] 292 00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:22,075 I'M DONE. 293 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,878 HOW DO I LOOK? 294 00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,114 UM...DICK? 295 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:30,550 O.K., IF SOMEBODY WERE HELPING YOU WITH AN EXPERIMENT 296 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,786 AND THINGS WENT AWRY, 297 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,955 AND YOU BECAME HORRIBLY DISFIGURED, 298 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,090 WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST THEM? 299 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:37,925 WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? 300 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:38,725 NOTHING. 301 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,293 DESTROY ALL THE MIRRORS NOW! 302 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,628 NO! NO! 303 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,563 I'VE GOT TO SEE! 304 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:47,334 OH, MY GOD! 305 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,337 I'M GORGEOUS! 306 00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,448 GOOD MORNING, NINA. 307 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,216 WELL! 308 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,784 GOOD MORNING. 309 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,954 I WAS GOING TO ASK WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND, 310 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,689 BUT I THINK IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR. 311 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,657 BY THE WAY... 312 00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:13,193 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 313 00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,400 MMM. 314 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,005 BRACE YOURSELF. 315 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,443 HELLO--OH, MY GOD! 316 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,145 WHAT'S THE MATTER? 317 00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,747 NOTHING. 318 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,283 LAURIE CALLED ME LAST NIGHT. 319 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,818 REALLY? WHAT DID SHE SAY? 320 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,621 [SQUEAK] 321 00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:43,857 WHAT WAS THAT? 322 00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:44,791 WHAT? 323 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,060 [SQUEAK] 324 00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,463 THAT SQUEAKING. 325 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:51,932 I HAVE NO IDEA. 326 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:55,502 [SQUEAKING] 327 00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:10,017 WHAT DID LAURIE SAY WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER? 328 00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:23,696 [STIFLED LAUGHTER] 329 00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,836 SHE'S DECIDED TO COME HERE NEXT YEAR. 330 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,772 OH, ISN'T THAT NICE? 331 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,908 YES. 332 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,377 UM... 333 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:41,982 COULD YOU WALK OVER THERE AND GET ME THAT PENCIL? 334 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,520 BUT YOU HAVE ONE RIGHT ON YOUR DESK. 335 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,156 I KNOW, BUT... 336 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,659 I NEED THAT ONE. 337 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:53,994 O.K. 338 00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:56,363 [SQUEAKING] 339 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,340 THANK YOU. 340 00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,242 OH! 341 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,111 I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY CARD. 342 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:12,379 HMM. 343 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,246 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 344 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,348 YOU LOOK LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS." 345 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,649 OH... 346 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:20,820 "OLD AND WRINKLED." 347 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,056 WHAT KIND OF A CRUEL HOAX IS THIS? 348 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,424 IT'S A HALLMARK CARD. 349 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,160 A HALLMARK OF DEGRADATION! 350 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,796 THE FIRST LINE LULLED ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. 351 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:33,766 THE SECOND LINE RIPPED OUT MY HEART AND SLAPPED ME WITH IT, 352 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,902 AWAKENING ME TO HARSH REALITY! 353 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,104 IT'S AN OLD JOKE! 354 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,039 FOR AN OLD FOOL! 355 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,840 WELL, I WANT NO PART OF IT. 356 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,242 I'M LEAVING... 357 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,144 WHILE I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY. 358 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:47,280 [SQUEAKING] 359 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,630 CONGRATULATIONS. 360 00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,533 YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR PATH TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. 361 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:07,767 SAY YES TO YOU. 362 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,036 YES. 363 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,303 AND NEVER FORGET-- 364 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:11,904 WHEN THE WORLD GETS YOU DOWN, 365 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,540 STAY POSITIVE. 366 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:17,144 I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY SURE THAT I WILL. 367 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:19,846 DAMN! 368 00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:21,948 A WRINKLE! 369 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,021 I'VE PEAKED! 370 00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,426 TRUTH IS, TIME MEASURED IN YEARS 371 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,527 WOULD HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE 372 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:37,030 IF THE SECOND-RATE SUN HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET 373 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:40,167 INTO THE SUCK-PARTY WE CALL GRAVITY, 374 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,437 'CAUSING EVERYTHING ON IT TO WITHER AND DIE. 375 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:45,772 THOUGHTS ON THAT? 376 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:46,639 BUG? 377 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,676 DOESN'T LOOK DYED TO ME. 378 00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:55,315 LET ME SIMPLIFY. IF A YEAR IS NOT A YEAR ANYWHERE BUT EARTH, 379 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,017 WHAT DOES THAT MAKE TIME IN THE UNIVERSE? 380 00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,953 LEON, TIME IS WHAT? 381 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,422 DON'T THINK, LEON, JUST ANSWER. 382 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,357 TIME IS WHAT? TAKE A SHOT. GO! 383 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,526 TIME IS RELATIVE? 384 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,897 MY GOD, LEON! YOU'RE RIGHT! 385 00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:13,400 MY HEAD HURTS. 386 00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,702 LEON, I HAVE A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION. 387 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:16,869 OHH... 388 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,338 [BELL RINGS] 389 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,939 SORRY. TIME IS UP. 390 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:20,740 AND BY THE WAY, 391 00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,576 YOU'RE ALL 55 MINUTES OLDER. 392 00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:25,912 DR. SOLOMON. 393 00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,914 LAURIE! 394 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,716 I COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE. 395 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:33,186 AND I COULDN'T SAY GOODBYE WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING. 396 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,188 OH, YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR. 397 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:38,258 FINALLY! SOMEONE NOTICED. 398 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,959 LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE. 399 00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,761 OH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. 400 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:42,695 WHO'S THAT? 401 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,664 THAT'S DOUG. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND. 402 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,766 I THOUGHT YOU ONLY LIKED OLDER MEN. 403 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:50,603 I DO. HE'S 29. 404 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,772 BYE. 405 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,082 DR. SOLOMON. 406 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:03,950 THERE YOU ARE. 407 00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:06,085 WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET IN YOUR OFFICE. 408 00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,555 FORGIVE ME. MY TIRED BRAIN FORGOT, 409 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,724 WHILE YOUR YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES STORED THE INFORMATION 410 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,993 AND RETRIEVED THEM LIKE A FLASH. 411 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:14,861 O.K. 412 00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,296 I'LL COME BACK. 413 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:19,899 LEON, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. 414 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,102 LET'S SAY THAT TWO PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT AGES 415 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,505 MET AT A UNIVERSITY. 416 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,340 ONE IS OLDER BUT DASHING. 417 00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,142 THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL AND STIMULATING. 418 00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,344 THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY, 419 00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:34,714 BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF. 420 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,616 DO YOU THINK THAT THAT SHOULD MAKE 421 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,219 A RELATIONSHIP IMPOSSIBLE? 422 00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:44,090 DR. SOLOMON, ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME? 423 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,459 NEVER MIND! 424 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,497 OH, DICK. 425 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,833 YOUR POSTURE TELLS ME YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES. 426 00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,803 LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY SPARK YOU OUT OF YOUR DOLDRUMS 427 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,070 AND INTO A HAPPIER-- 428 00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,038 OH, GO AWAY. 429 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:02,775 I WILL, AND THANKS FOR LISTENING. 430 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,747 HELLO. 431 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,781 HOW YOU FEELING? 432 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,318 LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS. 433 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:12,819 I THOUGHT I'D TRY THIS AGAIN. 434 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:13,953 UH, HERE. 435 00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:16,389 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY... 436 00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,659 FROM DR. ALBRIGHT." 437 00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:22,395 YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF. 438 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,864 YES. 439 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:27,734 THANK YOU. IT'S JUST LOVELY. 440 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,369 YOU'RE WELCOME. 441 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:30,169 DR. ALBRIGHT... 442 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:33,473 HAVE I BEEN A PERFECT ASS? 443 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,676 NOBODY'S PERFECT. 444 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,911 WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THIS AGE? 445 00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:42,148 YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON THE CONTAINER. 446 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,783 THIS BODY IS NOT YOU. 447 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,585 I KNOW THAT. NO, YOU DON'T. 448 00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:48,288 TRUST ME, I DO. YOU DON'T. 449 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:48,821 IF YOU THINK-- 450 00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,657 SHUT UP! 451 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,326 YOU'RE ONLY ON THIS EARTH A SHORT TIME. 452 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,629 WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN. 453 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,165 LISTEN, IF WE'RE OVER THE HILL, 454 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:03,536 WE MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN. 455 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,738 THANK YOU FOR SAYING "WE." 456 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:06,839 AH HA. 457 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,409 IT JUST SLIPPED OUT. 458 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,558 THE LIGHT OF THE MOON IS SO MAGICAL. 459 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,993 IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE 460 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:29,862 SO MANY YEARS AGO. 461 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,134 THAT WAS... 462 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,570 ALMOST BEAUTIFUL. 463 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:42,975 SO, THIS IS YOUR FAVORITE SPOT. 464 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,177 IT'S SO... 465 00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,647 CHEAP. 466 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,718 I THINK GRAY HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK DISTINGUISHED. 467 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,655 THANK YOU. YOU WOULD LOOK DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR. 468 00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,490 I DON'T THINK SO. 469 00:20:57,524 --> 00:20:59,459 MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED WITH GRAY HAIR. 470 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,093 WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD. 471 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:02,895 WHEN WOMEN GET BREASTS, THEY LOOK SEXY. 472 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,998 WHEN MEN GET BREASTS, THEY LOOK OLD. 473 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,738 GOOD POINT. 474 00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,773 HOW OLD ARE YOU? 31094

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