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1
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:39,207
IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.
2
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:43,111
HARRY, COME OUT AND
LOOK AT THE STARS WITH US.
3
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,545
OH, NO.
4
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,948
YOU'RE NOT PUTTING ME
OUT FOR THE NIGHT AGAIN.
5
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,851
FOOL ME ONCE,
SHAME ON YOU.
6
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,620
FOOL ME SIX TIMES,
7
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,688
SHAME ON ME.
8
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,390
WHAT ARE YOU
BABBLING ABOUT NOW?
9
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,825
JUST SOMETHING I LEARNED
10
00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:00,060
FROM THIS SELF-HELP TAPE
I BOUGHT AT A YARD SALE.
11
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:04,165
"DR. MARTIN BLAYNE'S PATH
TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION--
12
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,399
SAY YES TO YOU."
13
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,501
THIS WILL SOLVE
MY CONFIDENCE PROBLEM.
14
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:08,736
WHY DO YOU HAVE
A CONFIDENCE PROBLEM?
15
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,905
WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?
16
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,741
TOMMY, WHY AREN'T YOU
LOOKING AT THE STARS?
17
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,543
I HAVE STUDYING
TO DO, DICK.
18
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,978
YOUR HOMEWORK
IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH TIME.
19
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:21,149
YEAH. NOW THEY'VE
CHANGED PHYS-ED
TO HEALTH CLASS.
20
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:24,485
I HAVE TO MEMORIZE
287 DIFFERENT
BODY PARTS.
21
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:26,320
YOU HAVE AN OWNER'S MANUAL?
22
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,425
HERE'S A PICTURE OF
ALL THE DIFFERENT
ORGANS
23
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,626
IN OUR
ABDOMINAL CAVITY.
24
00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:35,329
OHH!
OH, GOD!
25
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:39,333
I READ SOMEPLACE
THAT YOU CAN STRETCH
A MAN'S NERVE ENDINGS
26
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,035
FROM NEW YORK
TO SAN FRANCISCO...
27
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:45,239
BUT HE WOULD DIE.
28
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:49,109
LOOK. HERE'S A SECTION
ON VIRGINITY AND ABSTINENCE.
29
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,611
I HAVEN'T
EXPERIENCED SEX YET,
30
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,647
SO I GUESS THAT
MAKES ME A VIRGIN.
31
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,015
CONGRATULATIONS.
32
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,250
THANKS.
33
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,618
IT FEELS KIND OF WEIRD.
34
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,220
I'M PROUD OF IT,
35
00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,989
BUT I'M ALSO
A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.
36
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,358
DO MEN HAVE ANYTHING
THEY'RE BOTH PROUD
AND ASHAMED OF
37
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,361
AT THE SAME TIME?
38
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:11,699
DRAWING A BLANK.
NO.
NO, NO.
39
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:18,739
"EZEKIEL BEGAT JEDEDIAH,
40
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,441
"JEDEDIAH BEGAT EPHRAIM,
41
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,142
EPHRAIM BEGAT LEMUEL."
42
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:26,580
MAN, THESE PEOPLE
BEGAT THEIR BRAINS OUT.
43
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:27,815
GOOD MORNING,
DR. SOLOMON.
44
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,049
HELLO.
45
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:29,950
WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?
46
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:30,851
MY WHAT?
47
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,986
I'M UPDATING
THE OFFICE BIRTHDAY LIST.
48
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,488
DO I HAVE
TO TELL YOU?
49
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,889
ARE YOU PLEADING
THE FIFTH?
50
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,658
THE FIFTH SOUNDS FINE.
THIS MONTH.
51
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:40,761
AH. THAT'S THIS MONDAY.
52
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,129
HOW OLD WILL YOU BE?
53
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,564
WHY DO YOU NEED
A SPECIFIC NUMBER?
54
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,666
ARE YOU
KEEPING SCORE?
55
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,302
IF YOU'RE GOING
TO GET SENSITIVE,
NEVER MIND.
56
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,471
I DON'T SEE WHY
AGE IS SO IMPORTANT.
57
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,806
YOU GOT A MILESTONE
CREEPING UP ON YOU?
58
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,041
NO, NO.
59
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,844
THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR.
60
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:57,811
GOOD MORNING.
61
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:58,912
HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT.
62
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:01,215
AH, LAURIE,
DR. SOLOMON.
63
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,115
LAURIE IVERS.
64
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,083
HELLO.
65
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,585
YOU HAVE
A FIRM HANDSHAKE.
66
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:05,353
THANKS.
67
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,688
LAURIE'S
VISITING THE CAMPUS.
68
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,724
YOU ARE IN REALLY
EXCELLENT CONDITION.
69
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,426
THANK YOU.
I WORK OUT.
70
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,829
OH, I CAN TELL.
IT'S VERY FIRM.
71
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,532
LAURIE'S STUDYING
FOR HER DOCTORATE
IN ANTHROPOLOGY.
72
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,601
SHE'S CONSIDERING
COMING TO PENDLETON.
73
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,570
YOU'VE CHOSEN
A MEDIOCRE
INSTITUTION,
74
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,905
AND WE'D LOVE
TO HAVE YOU.
75
00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,006
THANKS.
76
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,709
WOULD YOU
SHAKE MY HAND AGAIN?
77
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,611
UMM...I SUPPOSE.
78
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:31,945
OH.
79
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:37,017
NINA, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE LAURIE
TO THE LIBRARY
80
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,786
TO SHOW HER
THE INCA EXHIBIT?
81
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,221
EXHIBIT?
IT'S THREE COINS
AND A SPOON.
82
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:44,592
DON'T SPOIL IT
FOR HER.
JUST TAKE HER.
83
00:03:45,426 --> 00:03:46,394
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
84
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:49,730
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU!
85
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,634
WILL YOU
ACT YOUR AGE?
86
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,168
WHAT'S MY AGE
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?
87
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:56,437
LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.
88
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:57,938
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, I DO.
89
00:03:57,971 --> 00:03:59,607
WHAT ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT?
90
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,709
ALL I KNOW IS THAT
WHEN I WAS LAURIE'S AGE
91
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,978
I DIDN'T APPRECIATE
HAVING MIDDLE-AGED MEN
FAWN OVER ME.
92
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,381
YOU WERE ONCE HER AGE?
93
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,052
YES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
94
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,888
VERY WELL.
NOT IT IS.
95
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,064
YOU SAY MRS. DUBCEK
BROUGHT IT TO US?
96
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,967
UH-HUH.
97
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,137
WHAT DO YOU THINK
IT WANTS?
98
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,673
WHAT IS IT
TRYING TO TELL US?
99
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,375
THE THING THAT SCARES
ME THE MOST
100
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:37,945
ARE THE LITTLE ORANGES
IN ITS STOMACH.
101
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,884
HELLO.
I'M DR. MARTIN BLAYNE.
102
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,987
COME JOIN ME ON A PATH
TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
103
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,288
SAY YES TO YOU.
104
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,124
YES.
105
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,793
FIRST, YOU SHOULD LEARN
TO BE COMFORTABLE
106
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,362
TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.
107
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,664
WHEN ASKED YOUR NAME,
SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR.
108
00:04:56,697 --> 00:05:00,401
LET'S TRY THIS OUT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
109
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,070
THAT'S A GREAT NAME.
110
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,972
WHAT IS
YOUR PRIMARY GOAL?
111
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,040
HARRY SOLOMON.
112
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,612
TOMMY, SALLY, HARRY,
COME IN HERE!
113
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,212
AAH!
114
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,313
WHAT'S THAT?
115
00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,583
DON'T WORRY.
WE'VE KILLED IT.
116
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,185
SIT DOWN.
WE HAVE TO TALK.
117
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,353
WHAT IS IT?
118
00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:22,055
THERE'S AN IMPORTANT DETAIL
WE FORGOT.
119
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,256
WE NEED BIRTHDAYS.
120
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,893
NO, THANKS. THIS GUY
AT A RESTAURANT
HAD A BIRTHDAY.
121
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:30,063
THEY SET HIS FOOD ON FIRE
AND BLEW ON IT.
122
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,232
NEVERTHELESS,
WE NEED THEM.
123
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,901
WE HAVE TO KNOW
HOW OLD WE ARE.
124
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,803
WE'RE EXPECTED
TO ACT OUR AGE,
125
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,705
AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.
126
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,072
HOW DO WE FIND OUT?
127
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:40,073
WE'RE SMART.
WE'LL GUESS.
128
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:42,242
HOW OLD AM I?
129
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:43,276
I'M GONNA SAY...
130
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,478
35.
131
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:47,415
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
132
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,650
IT KIND OF SOUNDS
RIDICULOUS.
133
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,318
O.K. 39.
134
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,621
KEEP GOING.
COME ON.
135
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:54,788
40?
136
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,459
41, 2, 3, 4...
137
00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,226
UH...5!
138
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,128
5! 5! 45! O.K.
139
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,563
45's FINE.
140
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,698
BODY'S BROKEN IN.
STILL SOLID.
141
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,367
NOT TOO OLD
TO HAVE SEX.
142
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,938
UH, COMMANDER,
PERMISSION
TO SPEAK FREELY.
143
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,005
PERMISSION GRANTED.
144
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,908
HUMANS OVER 35
CANNOT HAVE SEX.
145
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:15,609
NO!
146
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:16,710
GIVE IT UP.
IT'S OVER.
147
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,747
WHY? THEY HAVE
THE SAME EQUIPMENT.
148
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,282
'CAUSE IT'S GROSS.
THAT'S WHY.
149
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,417
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
150
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:24,452
14.
151
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,653
CAN YOU HAVE SEX?
152
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,488
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO.
WHY NOT?
153
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:31,892
APPARENTLY, I HAVE
MY WHOLE LIFE
AHEAD OF ME.
154
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,462
DICK, CAN I BE 70?
155
00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,295
WHY?
156
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,198
WELL, THAT
PAUL NEWMAN GUY
IS 70.
157
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,534
PEOPLE SAY
HE LOOKS GREAT.
158
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:42,069
DONE. YOU'RE 70.
159
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:42,970
AND?
160
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,938
YOU LOOK GREAT.
161
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:46,907
[MOUTHS WORDS]
162
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,609
SALLY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
163
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:51,144
WELL, WHATEVER
THE PERFECT AGE IS,
164
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,946
I'M IT.
165
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,582
MAYBE I GOT STUCK
WITH BEING A WOMAN,
166
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,517
BUT AT LEAST
I'M IN MY PRIME.
167
00:06:56,550 --> 00:07:00,287
CHECK OUT HOW FIRM
THIS IS.
168
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,592
IF I WAS A GUY,
I'D BE ALL OVER ME
RIGHT NOW.
169
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:08,361
IF I WAS A GUY,
I WOULD BE, TOO.
170
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,736
NOW THAT YOU BOYS
ARE GOING THROUGH
THE ROAD TO MANHOOD,
171
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:20,107
I'M SURE MANY OF YOU
HAVE NOTICED
CERTAIN FEELINGS.
172
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,576
WHAT IS IT, SOLOMON?
173
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:23,944
WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS?
174
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,145
YOU KNOW
WHAT KIND OF FEELINGS.
175
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:27,114
UH, NO, I DON'T.
176
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,315
YOU'LL KNOW
WHEN YOU GET THEM.
177
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,851
THEY'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.
178
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,253
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
DON'T ACT ON THEM.
179
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,088
UH, SORRY.
YOU'RE LOSING ME.
180
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,791
YOU PLAY SPORTS,
FOCUS ON YOUR SCHOOLWORK,
181
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,560
AND WHEN YOU SHOWER,
182
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,863
WASH YOUR HAIR,
AND GET THE HELL
OUT OF THERE.
183
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:45,733
OH! YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT SEX!
184
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,700
YES.
185
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:47,701
GREAT! GREAT!
186
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:50,070
TELL ME EXACTLY
HOW IT'S DONE.
187
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,907
WELL...
188
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,243
YOUR, UH...MEN...
189
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:58,746
AND YOUR MALE
AND YOUR FEMALE...
190
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,448
THEY HAVE
THESE CERTAIN PARTS
191
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,517
THAT ARE, UH...
192
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:07,420
HOW DO YOU CALL,
UH...
193
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,090
COMPLEMENTARY
TO EACH OTHER.
194
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:13,994
THESE PARTS
COME INTO PLAY...
195
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:18,365
AND THAT'S HOW
WE ALL WERE BORN.
196
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,934
I'M SORRY,
BUT CAN WE GET SOMEBODY
WHO'S ACTUALLY HAD SEX
197
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,170
TO TEACH THIS CLASS?
198
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,371
HEY!
199
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,309
THANKS FOR SHOWING ME
AROUND THE CAMPUS TODAY.
200
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,411
YOU'RE A LOT OF FUN.
201
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,413
I KNOW.
202
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:34,882
LAURIE, I WAS
HAVING A DISCUSSION
203
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:37,184
WITH A YOUNG MAN
LAST NIGHT.
204
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,619
HE SAID THAT
SOMEONE MY AGE
205
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,621
WAS TOO OLD TO--
206
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:41,555
UH...
207
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,591
JUST TOO OLD.
208
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,292
THAT'S SO TYPICAL
OF OUR CULTURE.
209
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,327
YOU KNOW, IN MANY
ANCIENT SOCIETIES,
210
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,962
LIKE THE INCAS,
211
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:51,398
AGE WAS WORSHIPPED
AND REVERED.
212
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:52,633
THAT'S ALL
I'M ASKING FOR.
213
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,268
HA HA HA!
214
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,771
EXACTLY WHEN DOES
PUBERTY END FOR A MAN?
215
00:08:57,805 --> 00:09:00,207
SIX MONTHS AFTER DEATH.
216
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:05,445
GUYS MY AGE
ARE ALWAYS TRYING
TO PROVE SOMETHING,
217
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,915
NOT LIKE OLDER MEN.
218
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,316
THEY'VE BEEN THERE.
219
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,684
THEY'VE DONE IT.
220
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,586
IT SHOWS.
221
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,087
UH, LIKE YOU.
222
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,856
YOU'VE REALLY GOT
YOUR HEAD TOGETHER.
223
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,357
ACTUALLY,
IT CAME THAT WAY.
224
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,693
HA HA HA!
225
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,831
WELL, I'D BETTER
GET MOVING.
226
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:24,632
YOU ARE MOVING.
227
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:28,135
EVERYTHING
ON THIS PLANET
IS MOVING.
228
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,336
YOU ARE SO CLEVER.
229
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:31,538
OH.
230
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,173
WELL, BYE, DR. ALBRIGHT.
231
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:35,142
BYE.
232
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,109
SEE YA.
233
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,646
BECAUSE
YOU'RE STILL LOOKING.
234
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,422
YOU CAN BREATHE NOW.
235
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:52,025
HEY, IF YOU CAN CHANGE
ONE THING ABOUT ME,
236
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,794
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
237
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,030
NOTHING.
238
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,999
BINGO.
239
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,402
DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER
THAN THIS, HUH?
240
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:06,173
CHECK THIS OUT.
SEE HOW THIS CURVES IN?
241
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:07,808
WATCH THIS.
242
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,276
UPSY-DAISY.
243
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,345
SPRINGS BACK
JUST LIKE A CAT.
244
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,215
LAURIE SAYS
THAT MEN MY AGE
245
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:18,318
SHOULD BE WORSHIPPED
AND REVERED LIKE THE INCAS.
246
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,452
DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S RIGHT?
247
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,221
OH, YES.
248
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,390
THE INCAS WOULD TAKE
A PROMINENT MAN--
249
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,293
LIKE YOU--
250
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,295
AND THEY WOULD
ANOINT HIM WITH OILS,
251
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,830
ADORN HIM WITH ROBES,
252
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:32,666
AND THEN THE HIGH PRIEST
WOULD CUT HIM UP
253
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,802
AND THEN RAM A STICK
IN HIS HEAD
254
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,470
AND PARADE THE HEAD
THROUGH THE VILLAGE,
255
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,741
AND THE YOUNG VIRGINS
WOULD THROW FLOWERS
AT HIM.
256
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,511
WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS?
257
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:51,218
IT SAYS HERE THIS IS
GUARANTEED TO RESTORE
YOUR NATURAL LUSTER.
258
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:54,187
OH, DICK, YOU'RE GETTING
YOUR LUSTER BACK.
259
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,423
THAT'S WONDERFUL!
HOW MUCH LONGER?
260
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,026
OH, UH...
TWO MINUTES.
261
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,461
WELCOME BACK TO
THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT.
262
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,231
AND NOW WE CONTINUE
WITH OUR PARADE OF NATIONS.
263
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,933
MISS FINLAND.
264
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:09,002
WELL, THEY ONLY
HAVE CONTESTANTS
FROM EARTH.
265
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:12,505
I THINK THIS PAGEANT
IS FIXED.
266
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:13,941
THESE WOMEN
SHOULD BE ENORMOUS.
267
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:17,577
MISS UNIVERSE SHOULD HAVE
HER OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL.
268
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,547
I THINK I'M FEELING IT.
269
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:24,051
MY PRIMARY GOAL IS
TO MEET MISS FINLAND.
270
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,720
I WI MEET
MISS FINLAND.
271
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:30,490
I DESER TO MEET
MISS FINLAND.
272
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:33,593
WHOA! CHECK OUT THE YAHBOS
ON MISS TUNISIA.
273
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:36,730
I DESERVE
THOSE YAHBOS.
274
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,231
THOSE WOMEN,
275
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,168
THEY'RE ALL VIBRANT,
HEALTHY, STRONG, YOUNG.
276
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,435
THEY'RE JUST LIKE SALLY.
277
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,337
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THIS.
278
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:47,908
EVERY TIME I TURN ON THE TV
OR OPEN A MAGAZINE,
279
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,609
I SEE PEOPLE LIKE ME.
280
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,912
ALL THE ADS
ARE AIMED AT ME.
281
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,847
I AM WHAT COUNTS.
282
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,716
I THINK YOU'RE
FULL OF SOMETHING,
LIEUTENANT.
283
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:59,787
IF I DON'T WATCH A TV SHOW,
IT'S CANCELED.
284
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,089
I DON'T LIKE A SOFT DRINK?
HISTORY.
285
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,925
IF I DON'T LIKE A CERTAIN
FEMININE PRODUCT WITH WINGS,
286
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:08,528
THEY'LL MAKE ONE
WITH A PROPELLER.
287
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,964
I AM THE TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.
288
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,199
FACE IT, DICK.
289
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:16,003
I'M YOUNG, HOT,
AND ALL-POWERFUL.
290
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,671
YOU JUST SAID YES
TO YOU.
291
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:19,873
[DING]
292
00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:22,075
I'M DONE.
293
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,878
HOW DO I LOOK?
294
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,114
UM...DICK?
295
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:30,550
O.K., IF SOMEBODY
WERE HELPING YOU
WITH AN EXPERIMENT
296
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,786
AND THINGS WENT AWRY,
297
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,955
AND YOU BECAME
HORRIBLY DISFIGURED,
298
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,090
WOULD YOU
HOLD IT AGAINST THEM?
299
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:37,925
WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?
300
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:38,725
NOTHING.
301
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,293
DESTROY
ALL THE MIRRORS NOW!
302
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,628
NO! NO!
303
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,563
I'VE GOT TO SEE!
304
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:47,334
OH, MY GOD!
305
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,337
I'M GORGEOUS!
306
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,448
GOOD MORNING, NINA.
307
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,216
WELL!
308
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,784
GOOD MORNING.
309
00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,954
I WAS GOING TO ASK
WHAT YOU DID THIS WEEKEND,
310
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,689
BUT I THINK
IT'S PAINFULLY CLEAR.
311
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,657
BY THE WAY...
312
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:13,193
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
313
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:20,400
MMM.
314
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,005
BRACE YOURSELF.
315
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,443
HELLO--OH, MY GOD!
316
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,145
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
317
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:34,747
NOTHING.
318
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,283
LAURIE CALLED ME
LAST NIGHT.
319
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,818
REALLY?
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
320
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,621
[SQUEAK]
321
00:13:43,023 --> 00:13:43,857
WHAT WAS THAT?
322
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:44,791
WHAT?
323
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,060
[SQUEAK]
324
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,463
THAT SQUEAKING.
325
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:51,932
I HAVE NO IDEA.
326
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:55,502
[SQUEAKING]
327
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:10,017
WHAT DID LAURIE SAY
WHEN YOU TALKED TO HER?
328
00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:23,696
[STIFLED LAUGHTER]
329
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,836
SHE'S DECIDED TO COME HERE
NEXT YEAR.
330
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,772
OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?
331
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,908
YES.
332
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:37,377
UM...
333
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:41,982
COULD YOU WALK OVER THERE
AND GET ME THAT PENCIL?
334
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,520
BUT YOU HAVE ONE
RIGHT ON YOUR DESK.
335
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,156
I KNOW, BUT...
336
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,659
I NEED THAT ONE.
337
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:53,994
O.K.
338
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:56,363
[SQUEAKING]
339
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,340
THANK YOU.
340
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,242
OH!
341
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,111
I GOT YOU
A BIRTHDAY CARD.
342
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:12,379
HMM.
343
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,246
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
344
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,348
YOU LOOK LIKE
A MILLION DOLLARS."
345
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,649
OH...
346
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:20,820
"OLD AND WRINKLED."
347
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,056
WHAT KIND OF
A CRUEL HOAX
IS THIS?
348
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,424
IT'S A HALLMARK CARD.
349
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,160
A HALLMARK
OF DEGRADATION!
350
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,796
THE FIRST LINE LULLED ME
INTO A FALSE SENSE
OF SECURITY.
351
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:33,766
THE SECOND LINE
RIPPED OUT MY HEART
AND SLAPPED ME WITH IT,
352
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,902
AWAKENING ME
TO HARSH REALITY!
353
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,104
IT'S AN OLD JOKE!
354
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,039
FOR AN OLD FOOL!
355
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,840
WELL, I WANT
NO PART OF IT.
356
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,242
I'M LEAVING...
357
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,144
WHILE I STILL
HAVE MY DIGNITY.
358
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:47,280
[SQUEAKING]
359
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,630
CONGRATULATIONS.
360
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,533
YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR PATH
TO PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
361
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:07,767
SAY YES TO YOU.
362
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,036
YES.
363
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,303
AND NEVER FORGET--
364
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:11,904
WHEN THE WORLD
GETS YOU DOWN,
365
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,540
STAY POSITIVE.
366
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:17,144
I'M ALMOST COMPLETELY
SURE THAT I WILL.
367
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:19,846
DAMN!
368
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:21,948
A WRINKLE!
369
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,021
I'VE PEAKED!
370
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,426
TRUTH IS,
TIME MEASURED IN YEARS
371
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,527
WOULD HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE
372
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:37,030
IF THE SECOND-RATE SUN
HADN'T PULLED THIS PLANET
373
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:40,167
INTO THE SUCK-PARTY
WE CALL GRAVITY,
374
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,437
'CAUSING EVERYTHING ON IT
TO WITHER AND DIE.
375
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:45,772
THOUGHTS ON THAT?
376
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:46,639
BUG?
377
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,676
DOESN'T LOOK
DYED TO ME.
378
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:55,315
LET ME SIMPLIFY.
IF A YEAR IS NOT A YEAR
ANYWHERE BUT EARTH,
379
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,017
WHAT DOES THAT MAKE TIME
IN THE UNIVERSE?
380
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,953
LEON, TIME IS WHAT?
381
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,422
DON'T THINK, LEON,
JUST ANSWER.
382
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,357
TIME IS WHAT?
TAKE A SHOT. GO!
383
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,526
TIME IS RELATIVE?
384
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,897
MY GOD, LEON!
YOU'RE RIGHT!
385
00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:13,400
MY HEAD HURTS.
386
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,702
LEON, I HAVE
A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION.
387
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:16,869
OHH...
388
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,338
[BELL RINGS]
389
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,939
SORRY. TIME IS UP.
390
00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:20,740
AND BY THE WAY,
391
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,576
YOU'RE ALL
55 MINUTES OLDER.
392
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:25,912
DR. SOLOMON.
393
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:27,914
LAURIE!
394
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,716
I COULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.
395
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:33,186
AND I COULDN'T
SAY GOODBYE
WITHOUT YOUR LEAVING.
396
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,188
OH, YOU CHANGED
YOUR HAIR.
397
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:38,258
FINALLY!
SOMEONE NOTICED.
398
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,959
LAURIE, CAR'S OUTSIDE.
399
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:41,761
OH, I'LL BE
RIGHT THERE.
400
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:42,695
WHO'S THAT?
401
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,664
THAT'S DOUG.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
402
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,766
I THOUGHT YOU ONLY
LIKED OLDER MEN.
403
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:50,603
I DO. HE'S 29.
404
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,772
BYE.
405
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,082
DR. SOLOMON.
406
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:03,950
THERE YOU ARE.
407
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:06,085
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET IN YOUR OFFICE.
408
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,555
FORGIVE ME.
MY TIRED BRAIN FORGOT,
409
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,724
WHILE YOUR
YOUTHFUL SYNAPSES
STORED THE INFORMATION
410
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,993
AND RETRIEVED THEM
LIKE A FLASH.
411
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:14,861
O.K.
412
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,296
I'LL COME BACK.
413
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:19,899
LEON, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
414
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,102
LET'S SAY
THAT TWO PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT AGES
415
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,505
MET AT A UNIVERSITY.
416
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,340
ONE IS OLDER
BUT DASHING.
417
00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,142
THE OTHER, YOUTHFUL
AND STIMULATING.
418
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,344
THEY OBVIOUSLY ENJOY
EACH OTHER'S COMPANY,
419
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:34,714
BUT THE AGE DIFFERENCE
KEEPS ASSERTING ITSELF.
420
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,616
DO YOU THINK THAT
THAT SHOULD MAKE
421
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,219
A RELATIONSHIP
IMPOSSIBLE?
422
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:44,090
DR. SOLOMON,
ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME?
423
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,459
NEVER MIND!
424
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,497
OH, DICK.
425
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,833
YOUR POSTURE TELLS ME
YOU'VE GOT THE BLUES.
426
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,803
LET MY POSITIVE ENERGY
SPARK YOU OUT OF
YOUR DOLDRUMS
427
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,070
AND INTO A HAPPIER--
428
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,038
OH, GO AWAY.
429
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:02,775
I WILL, AND THANKS
FOR LISTENING.
430
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,747
HELLO.
431
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,781
HOW YOU FEELING?
432
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:11,318
LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.
433
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:12,819
I THOUGHT
I'D TRY THIS AGAIN.
434
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:13,953
UH, HERE.
435
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:16,389
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
436
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,659
FROM DR. ALBRIGHT."
437
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:22,395
YOU WROTE THIS YOURSELF.
438
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,864
YES.
439
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:27,734
THANK YOU.
IT'S JUST LOVELY.
440
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,369
YOU'RE WELCOME.
441
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:30,169
DR. ALBRIGHT...
442
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:33,473
HAVE I BEEN
A PERFECT ASS?
443
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,676
NOBODY'S PERFECT.
444
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,911
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE
THIS AGE?
445
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:42,148
YOU'RE FOCUSING TOO MUCH
ON THE CONTAINER.
446
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,783
THIS BODY IS NOT YOU.
447
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,585
I KNOW THAT.
NO, YOU DON'T.
448
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:48,288
TRUST ME, I DO.
YOU DON'T.
449
00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:48,821
IF YOU THINK--
450
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,657
SHUT UP!
451
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,326
YOU'RE ONLY
ON THIS EARTH
A SHORT TIME.
452
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,629
WELL, THAT WAS THE PLAN.
453
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:59,165
LISTEN, IF WE'RE
OVER THE HILL,
454
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:03,536
WE MIGHT AS WELL
ENJOY THE RIDE DOWN.
455
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:05,738
THANK YOU
FOR SAYING "WE."
456
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:06,839
AH HA.
457
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,409
IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.
458
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,558
THE LIGHT OF THE MOON
IS SO MAGICAL.
459
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,993
IT SHOWS ME WHAT YOU
MUST'VE LOOKED LIKE
460
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:29,862
SO MANY YEARS AGO.
461
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,134
THAT WAS...
462
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,570
ALMOST BEAUTIFUL.
463
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:42,975
SO, THIS IS
YOUR FAVORITE SPOT.
464
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,177
IT'S SO...
465
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,647
CHEAP.
466
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,718
I THINK GRAY HAIR
MAKES YOU LOOK
DISTINGUISHED.
467
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,655
THANK YOU. YOU WOULD
LOOK DISTINGUISHED
WITH GRAY HAIR.
468
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,490
I DON'T THINK SO.
469
00:20:57,524 --> 00:20:59,459
MEN LOOK DISTINGUISHED
WITH GRAY HAIR.
470
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,093
WOMEN JUST LOOK OLD.
471
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:02,895
WHEN WOMEN GET BREASTS,
THEY LOOK SEXY.
472
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,998
WHEN MEN GET BREASTS,
THEY LOOK OLD.
473
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:11,738
GOOD POINT.
474
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,773
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
31094
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