Original subtitles

Oh good, breakfast.

Yeah, a bit of cheese and a bit of onion.

Because people are funny about onion.

Yeah.

I know they do make your breath smell, but it's onion.

This is Miriam Margulies.

And this is Alan Cumming.

Now, Miss Miriam, please let me take you on a little... A wee tour.

We've decided it's time we both reconnected with our Scottish roots.

Miriam is one of our best-loved actresses.

And has lit up stage and screen over a 60-year career.

What do you think of that?

My Glaswegian father instilled in me a love of this great country.

I'm just a tart from the slums.

Alan's an award-winning actor and performer.

It's Saturday night on Broadway!

Who has had an amazing journey from Scottish soaps to Hollywood.

That's showbiz. I live in New York with my husband Grant, but I was born and

raised in Scotland.

Oh, this could be mine, Miriam. Mine! Well, I don't know about that.

Now, at the grand old ages of 80 and 56...

We're driving round the land of our fathers.

These are cute.

I think we've got this. I'll be showing Alan my Scottish bits.

I wish they could see that we'd come back.

And I'll be showing Miriam mine.

Gird your loins, Miriam.

I am girded.

Looking to our past.

I feel emotional.

This is freaking me out.

And experiencing new things.

Oh, no, I'm not doing this. No, forget it. No, I've had enough of this.

Nailed it!

All whilst trying to keep our campervan on the road.

Is that Ben Nevis?

Don't distract me, all right?

I'm panicking!

This is the turning here.

Got it.

God help us.

It's the last leg of our journey through Scotland together.

And we're having a wet start in the glorious Highlands.

How do you feel about windscreen wipers?

Fine.

Do you want me to put them on? Thank you.

I didn't like to be demanding. I'm not averse to them.

As the sun comes out, we head to a champion butcher's in the Highlands to

get a first-in-a-lifetime experience.

Just a finger.

No, not two fingers.

No, just the one.

We drive south by the sweeping banks of the Firth of Tay as Miriam takes a novel

approach to the national sport.

My tits are in the way.

Heading south of Monafith, we stop at a farm to learn something new about

Miriam's favourite breakfast vegetable.

We're moving on to the sexual benefit of onions.

I took the cucumber out my mouth at that moment.

Face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in the forests of the East

Coast. I know how to pull, love.

And in the Scottish borders, we take in the stately grandeur of my dream home.

It's absurd, but it's wonderful.

Yeah.

As we head towards Dingwall in the Highlands, I'm starting the week on a

mission to make a vegan version of my favourite Scottish dish.

I used to love white pudding.

What is that?

It's got oatmeal and spices and a sort of sausage shape.

And then, you know, you get it in chip shops, you deep fry it, and then you

have it with chips.

Although the main ingredients of white pudding are vegetable-based, it is bound

together with animal fat, suet, which is a no-go for vegans like me.

But I've found a butcher's in Dingwall who can help me.

They will attempt to make a vegan white pudding for me. Oh, how wonderful! So

finally, my search is complete.

The small market town of Dingwall sits around 15 miles north of Inverness at

the head of the Cromarty Firth.

Recently, it's been famed for the award-winning delicacies produced by

this Highland Butchers. First opened in 1955,

Coburn's are Scotland's first-ever champion haggis makers, and they make

half a tonne of the stuff every week.

I've never had haggis.

Why's that?

Well, I always thought it was made of pork, and so I don't eat pork. I know. I

always thought haggis would be a cow, so this could be a game-changer day for

you.

So the mission has been accepted.

I'm going to make a vegan white pudding, and Miriam is going to create a kosher

haggis. Hello there.

Do you want to come round to the laboratory and find out? Come on,

Miriam.

Coburn's owner, Fraser McGregor, is creating a first for us today.

Adapting a basic recipe that hasn't changed in Scotland since medieval

times.

Look at the spoon!

That's like a chair, that spoon.

You've got all the ingredients here for the white pudding.

Lots of mixing tray, the red tray there. Put your onions in.

Fraser's swapping the animal fat usually found in white pudding with vegetable

suet. The remaining ingredients, oatmeal, onions, herbs and spices, stay

the same.

Just give that a quick mix with your spirtle there.

Stir your spirtle. What's in this?

That's a lot of secret ingredients that I can't reveal.

While Alan carries on with his white pudding, I can start my haggis. Let's do

it in first.

Mmm. It's lamb langs and shoulder lamb as well.

As it's made using lamb and beef, Fraser's haggis is kosher.

Right, that's not too bad.

Not too bad?

It's improving.

Bloody hell.

The next thing to do is to put the oatmeal in.

It smells Jewish. That's what I like.

While I get mixing, Alan's shaping his white pudding by hand.

Oh, this is like the big sausage bits. Yes, sir.

While I've got a fancy machine to do the work for me. I'm just worried about this

turd coming out.

That's my haggis!

After an hour or so of cooking, our white pudding and haggis are ready for

sampling.

It's got ever so long, hasn't it? It does expand in the warmth.

That's what happens.

Oh.

Do you want me to squirt a bit on you? Well, just a bit, darling.

Because I don't like looking at it coming out.

Just a finger.

Not two fingers.

No, just the one.

We're very rude.

Ready? Right.

After all the hilarity, it's time for me to try my very first vegan white

pudding. Oh, it's been so long. And it's time for Miriam to try her very first

haggis. Oh, that's lovely.

Not nice.

What was that, the white pudding?

No, mine.

A first-ever haggis. Let's have a moment.

That is lovely. See what you've been missing all these years. That is strong

flavour. Now, this is slightly more delicate, I suspect. Like myself.

A little more delicate.

I like it, but I like the haggis more.

But it's very tasty.

If I put that white pudding in front of somebody and not told them it was

vegetarian, they'd be hard-pressed to tell it was vegetarian. I know, yeah.

I was a virgin and I'm not any more.

I popped your haggis cherry.

It's never too late. You're right.

Well, I won't die wondering.

I think our work here is done.

This is a haggis made by Miriam Margulies.

It actually happened, yeah. I know it looks like a fat turd, and I have been

called that, but this tastes a lot better, I believe.

No, it definitely does, I'm sure. It really was delicious. And I'm glad you

liked my vegan, Watson. I love your vegan sausages. You understand why my

quest to get a vegan version of these white puddings was... Absolutely. The

quest was real.

The next morning, we're up early and heading south-east across country

towards the Firth of Tay, where lies the pretty coastal town of Monnyfeith.

Over the years, the sandy dunes that form many of the beaches on Scotland's

east coast have been turned into some of the world's very best Lynx golf courses.

Oh yes, golf.

It's unavoidable in these parts.

Because you know how much you and I enjoy golf.

The producers of the show insisted that we do an item on golf. I am not going to

lie. We hate golf. Even for you. We hate golf. I think it's silly.

You know, they usually have very nice places to do it. Yes, but I've got many

issues with golf. A lot to do with class and economy and... Oh, I never thought

of that.

Things like that. It's more like that for me. It didn't used to be like that

for me when I grew up in Carnoustie, which is a big, huge golf town, of

course.

But now I fear that is not the case. And it's, you know, this whole sort of the

disparity between...

rich and poor in our societies now, and I feel that golf has profited from that,

let's say that.

Well, definitely, I can tell you that Jews were not allowed to join golf

clubs. That's right, restricted, yes, there's all that too. So that's also

part of it. It's all about the right kind of person.

Anyway, so we've obviously got a lot of baggage about golf.

In our pursuit to offload some excess baggage, I'm taking Miriam to Monafith

Golf Links to meet an old school friend of mine, Alan Scott.

who is taking a rather novel approach to the game by using the energy-healing

practice of Reiki to help improve performance.

So he's a healer? He's a healer. A golfer and a healer? Yeah.

I'm just going to bark across two things like this because... I'm so busy.

Right.

You ready to be healed?

Yeah.

Me too.

Rikey rikey!

Scotland has over 550 golf courses and my friend Alan is one of the only people

in the country pioneering this new approach to teaching the game.

I'm yet to be convinced about golf but today I'm loving the heat.

Arwen! How are we getting on?

How are you doing?

Very good, how are you? This is Miriam.

Hi, Miriam. How are you? Hello, darling.

Oh, I like a man with shorts.

So how long have you been working here?

I've only been here for about four or five months, maybe.

But you're combining your Reiki with golfing. I am. Which is a sort of energy

healing thing. It is, yes.

Reiki means it's the universal life force.

Oh, good. Hello.

And how does that relate to golf?

It relates to golf in the way that you can have a calm mind, because at the end

of the day, a lot of golfers will say that they golf to relax, but you

actually relax to play golf. You don't golf to relax.

Ooh. Let's go and do it right now.

OK, let's go. Let's do it.

Would you just like to lie down, Alan? Yes.

Just work on your head to start off with, then down to your heart.

and then down, but I just ask you just to relax.

I'm a firm believer in Reiki and its healing benefits.

And whilst Miriam finds her own form of Zen, I'm keen to see what Alan's

approach can do for my attitude when it comes to golf.

All this rushing and I felt like my body was almost out of control. And I felt

euphoric at one point.

It was super intense.

I loved it though.

It was intense, Miriam.

Thank you. Now I feel at one with the universe, it's time to play golf.

This I have to see.

It is very zen. You have to get into a very... You and the ball.

You and the ball.

That was your head up.

Yes. Your head was miles up there. Right.

Yay! Shut the fuck up!

Oh, here's the tree.

That was very good. That was good. That was excellent. You got a bit of a draw

in that one as well. That really was excellent. Thanks, Miriam.

Well, after that brilliant shot, let's get up on the tee.

Seems I'm not getting out of this one.

And now, Miriam, you're up.

Right, Miriam? I'm up. Yeah.

Right. Do you want to swap sticks?

So I'll take that. You take that. And you can take this. I am so bad at all

games. No, you've talked yourself out of it before you've started.

Square up to the... Square up.

Right, so stand with your feet together and slightly make them go apart so

you're comfortable on both feet.

My tits are in the way. Oh, no.

I can't do anything about that.

I'm too short. Some reiki for your tits. Well, I tell you what, do you want us to

try your stick first? OK.

How do I... How do I... Just... Oh, I think you should get that. It doesn't

want to go in. I think you should get that because of... As the actress said

to the bishop.

Try it one more time and I'll take the pin out.

Nailed it!

There you go!

High five.

Wow!

That was great.

Thank you for your instruction.

I hope it was beneficial.

Who's the top lady golfer in the world?

Erm...

Nelly Corder.

Nelly, look out!

Eat me, Nelly Corder.

Miriam and I are on the last leg of our travels around Scotland in the coastal

town of Monnyfeath, just north of Dundee.

Famous for golf, but more importantly, it has been home to my mum.

Mary Darling for the last 32 years.

I love my mum and I can't wait for Miriam to meet her.

What are we doing now? We're going to go and see my mum. Are we going to have a

hot chocolate?

Yeah.

There we go.

Oh, she likes gardening.

She loves.

Hi, Mum.

Hello, hello, hello.

How are you?

Oh, fine. Lovely to see you.

With the hellos out of the way, we head back to Mum's garden.

Oh, someone's a gardener. Yeah, big time. Yes, I do enjoy the gardening.

What's all this?

Oh, we're coming to that.

OK.

It's very nice to meet you.

The pleasure's all mine.

Lovely.

I feel I know you because I've been travelling with Sir.

Yeah. What was this one like as a child, as a little boy?

Oh, my God.

Well... Be quiet. He was a live wire, that's for sure. Was he? Yes, he was a

live wire. He always had to be doing something or wanted to do this or wanted

to do that.

Busy? Yes.

Did he do recitations and songs and things?

Oh, yes.

He was a performer?

He was... If you said to him, you know, what are you going to do?

when you leave the school and he said then that he was going to be a star on

the television every star has to start somewhere and mum has got some evidence

of my contribution to dundee's rich journalistic history i've seen that

you've got some things from the your archives mum these are what is this so

when so magazine before i went to drama school i worked at this um

publishing house in Dundee called DC Thompson's, and they made all these

magazines. So I was a sub-editor on a magazine.

First of all, I worked in the fiction department, and I wrote the horoscopes

for the Dundee Evening Telegraph. How old were you?

16. And I wrote the horoscopes for the Dundee Evening Telegraph. But then I

worked on some of these magazines. But they also did these photo stories, you

know, these photo love stories.

And so they would get models, like... I'm a model. That's me. Look, I'm, like,

ten years old.

And I did all this modelling for these photo love stories. It was my first

introduction to acting for the camera.

She was nice, though. I could quite fancy her. Pity we couldn't have met

under different circumstances.

But my horse, you see, is kind of getting us together. And I think we

finally get it together in the end.

But I did loads of these.

And you were 16 and a half. I was probably 17 then. Maybe I was 17 then.

16 or 17, but I looked 12.

It's girly magazines.

Not girly, but like girls' magazines. Girly magazines means something else.

You know, there was me. I had my own series.

Dance Yourself Dizzy. Look at that. The pose on that.

Top of the page.

Mary, when you see Alan performing on the stage, and I'm assuming you often go

when you can, what does it feel like?

Well, a lot of pride for a start. And I think the one that sticks

most in my mind for everything that he's done was when I went out to America to

see him in Cabaret.

I never took my eyes off him. I was just dumbstruck, really, you know, that

he'd... Done so well and he worked hard.

That's my boy.

That's it. Boom.

To round off a lovely day with my mum, the three of us are heading to the

nearby Maniki Country Park to meet up with mum's walking group, the Monafith

Amblers.

Hi, everybody.

Hello.

This is Miriam.

One of these amblers, please pay attention.

We are here.

We are going to walk here. We're going to walk down here We're going to come

back here and we're going to go here for a cup of tea. And how far is that but 25

miles?

Let's go hey lead the way So this to the right my heart to the right to

the right come on ladies

I'm turning left now.

To the left, ladies.

Mum has found the walking group is a great way to stay in touch with friends

whilst getting out and about in nature.

The scooter helps me get out and about too, aside from the pesky crew getting

in my way.

Careful, Carlo.

Yeah, get him out the way.

Oh, my God, Carlo.

Christ.

Oh, dear God.

I mean, this is what I think...

Scottish people have very, very close to them wherever they live, even in a big

city.

You have beauty within reach.

I like the trees and the countryside and the water and everything is just... And

you've got all that within easy reach. Yes, within very easy reach.

And I think that affects the way people think.

Yeah. Yeah, even in Glasgow, it's like 20 minutes and you're in... You're near

Loch Lomond. Middle of nowhere, yeah.

Does this feel like home, Alan?

It totally feels like home. Scotland will always be home for me.

It's a new day, and we've started the journey south to Edinburgh.

It's breakfast time, so I've asked Alan to take a little diversion south to

Cooper to drive me to a farm that grows my favourite vegetable.

I tell you what, I can see...

growing things here.

Yes. Oh, look, they've got spring onions.

Uh-oh.

I've always eaten a raw onion for breakfast.

Alan's been snootily turning his nose up at this habit for the entirety of our

trip. But after today, he'll be as hooked as I am.

I've organised a special field trip with a veritable banquet of ingons, as we say

here in Scotland, straight from the ground.

We must ask if we can...

Take what Mummy used to call... Can I have a sample, please?

Gosh, it must be lovely to have a farm.

Hello. Oh, hello. Pleased to meet you. This is your farm? Yes, yes.

Ewan Cameron's family have been farming here for 25 years.

They've poured a lifetime of passion into this 35-acre market garden,

nurturing everything from blackcurrants to turnips and, of course, onions.

And do you have a wee shop?

Got a wee shop on the farm, yeah. I will be calling at that shop. Me too.

We might try some samples first.

You're more than welcome. Are those the onions there?

That's some red onions and then some white onions and then some more red

onions. Right, well, that's what I'm interested in. Three and a half

thousand. Because I like to eat them raw, you see.

All right.

My reaction too.

I'm maybe going to give it a go, Miriam.

As long as they're washed. You don't eat it off the ground. Of course, we're not

savages.

Right. This is going to blow your mind.

The botanical name for an onion is Allium sepa.

We made a tartan together.

We called it Allium because of Alan and Miriam.

I mean... What are the chances?

Fate. That is fate.

And, this is a bit I like, we're moving on to the sexual benefit of onions,

Miriam. I took the cucumber out of my mouth at that moment.

Comedy timing.

The onion can enhance testosterone level in males, and it can

be... It's been an aphrodisiac, increases libido and strengthens the

reproductive organs.

Get eating your onions.

I do believe Alan's a convert.

Let's have a fucking onion.

Well, OK.

That's a bit much.

Oh, they come out easily.

Look at that. That looks lovely. Don't get too many of those to the pound.

There we go.

So, after a quick scrub, we're ready to eat and breakfast is served.

It's time.

Here we go. Check this out. It's a platter.

And it's vegan cheese, real cheese. Miriam likes cheese with her onion.

May I take a bit of vegan?

Yes. Because I know you're the vegan man.

And that's my onion. That's your onion.

Are you ready? What, cheese first or onion first?

Well, I usually take a bite of cheese and then I match it.

Are you in?

Yeah, go for that.

I never thought I would do this.

It's actually not too bad, to be honest. Yeah, I'm feeling my libido increase

every second.

It's full of flavour now.

I've got an explosion in my mouth.

Oh, my God.

No, I do.

I know, just so many things I want to say.

Well, button up, lad.

Too late for that.

Mmm.

I am pleasantly surprised about how enjoyable a sensory

level, a sensual level and a taste level is getting three thumbs up from me.

I'm slightly worried about engaging with people later.

You know, if I was wanting to make out with people... Well, get them to eat it.

I just carry an onion with me constantly because I want to make out with a

stranger. Is that what you're suggesting, William?

You've got a husband?

I'm just talking hypothetically.

So, after that revelation, I think it's time to hit Ewan's farm shop to see what

else we can sink our teeth into.

Hang on to my onions.

Lovely.

Bye, Ewan. Thanks a lot.

Cheerio. See you.

Well, that was nice. What a darling.

I liked you very much. I really liked him. I had fun in the shop.

What do you think of that?

Isn't that something?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

It's knobbly.

I haven't had a knobbly one. That's unusual.

You need to get out more.

It's true.

That's true.

Alan and I are reaching the end of our journey driving round Scotland,

travelling south through Fife and heading towards Edinburgh.

At 80, life's a bit more sedate for me now, but back in the day I've had a bit

of rough and tumble with some of Hollywood's finest.

I've only had to do one or two stunts. One with Schwarzenegger, actually.

What did you do with him?

I did a film called End of Days, and I had to have a fight with him.

gentlemanly about teaching me. He showed me how to pull a punt.

Because I never went to drama school, so I never knew all those things.

In the end, he killed me.

He threw me to the ground and I sliced my neck on a glass table.

Arnold won't be joining us today where we're heading. The HQ of the Forest

Spirit Archers near Kirkcaldy.

as we want to learn a new skill for our acting CVs, archery.

Teaching us today will be the current indoor and outdoor Scottish archery

champion, Dennis Watson.

And while I'm mentally gearing up for it, Alan's put his hand up to go first.

Do you want to put my bows in my quiver?

I don't mind doing that.

Oh, Miriam.

Ooh. How did that feel? Very intimate.

Archery has played a big part in the history of Scotland, from Bannockburn to

Culloden, where expert Scottish archers were used in battle.

In the modern day, the Royal Company of Archers, or Queen's Bodyguard, is based

in Edinburgh, and many of the world's best sporting archers come from

Scotland, like Dennis.

Alan, Miriam, welcome to Forest Spirit Archers. Thanks, Dennis.

So this is equipment we use, bow, arrow, a finger sling.

Of the same thing?

Yeah, put your hand on the bow first and then whip it round. Yeah.

It's OK.

The arrow goes in here, which is called the knocking point.

Then you lay it on the rest.

OK. Right.

This bodes well.

You should bring up to what we call T-draw, nice high elbow.

Pull back so it's just under your eye.

Here? Yes. Shoot. Wow!

Look at that!

Didn't they do that before?

Professional archers like Dennis take years to hone their skills.

It's time to see if Alan's got what it takes.

Nice and relaxed.

The more you relax, the easier it'll be. OK.

Twist your body a little more.

Let go.

That's nearly a bullseye!

Thanks, Maid Miriam.

Very near.

You're getting there.

Oh, that's that.

Did you do it?

I think you did. I knew you would.

Thanks, Miriam, for believing in me.

I do.

It's not a competition.

Clearly, Alan's got the makings of a Robin Hood.

But do I have what it takes to become Maid Marian?

All right, young Miriam, here you go.

Bodies to me.

Body to you.

Head that way. That's it.

Up to your eye level.

That's pretty good.

Where's me eye?

No, your eyes. That's pretty good where she is, isn't she? Yeah, don't let the

string go.

Yeah, well, careful, cos... I wouldn't dream of it. You'll ping your eyelashes,

your sunglasses off.

That was pretty good. Well, good, thank you.

Is that it?

That's it, as far as I'm concerned.

You pulled it very well. You've got the costume and everything. I know how to

pull, love.

Oh, my God.

After my change of heart, and with my list of stunt skills remaining firmly at

zero, I realised it's hard to teach an old dog like me new tricks.

I love archery.

Like, it's quite sort of... It's like a dance. You've got to be very...

Controlled and it's like a sort of choreography almost. I'm embarrassed

when I fail spectacularly I know that I should be braver about things that I'm

not used to doing I just you strike me as a very courageous like ballsy person

I don't like people to see that I'm worried or nervous, right?

Because it makes me feel inadequate

So it's another thing about not wanting to do something you don't excel at

Probably I think that is true.

I think that is That's something about me something fascinating However,

I was quite good at hockey because you can hit people which I love

God's terrible It's the

start of the penultimate day of our travels And we're driving south to the

borders before we make it to Edinburgh.

Are you ready for a roundabout, Miriam?

A roundabout with you? Yes. Yes.

I love a roundabout.

Something Americans hate, a roundabout. Well, they just have never taken to

roundabouts. That and proper tea, teapots.

They've never taken to them.

Today, I'm driving Miriam to a place on the banks of the River Tweed.

in the stunning scottish borders that i hope will blow her beautiful mind got

something special for you today young mania go on well this place i'm taking

you to is like what i think is my dream scottish retreat

And it's the home of Sir Walter Scott that he built himself, Abbotsford.

But it's so sort of camp and it's so sort of a confection because he actually

had theatre set designers help him make it. So it's a complete sort of facade.

I'm interested.

Yeah, it's sort of up our street.

It's theatrical in its very nature.

Sir Walter Scott was a historical novelist and playwright.

As the author of popular novels like Ivanhoe, he made a fortune which he

lavished on his opulent palace, Abbotsford.

I've always imagined myself living there.

And whilst I can't buy my dream home, I have an idea of how Miriam and I can

capture its spirit.

Also, here we are, we're nearly arriving. What we're going to do is

emulate a painting, a famous painting of Scott and people at...

Abbotsford here by David Wilkie. My friend Tommy, who's a photographer, is

coming up. We're going to dress up. You're going to sit in the same... Yeah,

we're all going to dress up. You're going to play Sir Walter Scott and I'm

going to play a lady.

Abbotsford was a mere farmhouse when Scott bought it in 1811.

But as his success and wealth grew, he expanded it greatly.

Borrowing highly decorative and downright wacky styles from all over

Europe... The architects and designers were able to evolve Abbotsford into

something truly unique.

And so began the fashion for Scots baronial architecture.

It's cheeky. It is, isn't it? It's sort of like Michael Jackson's Neverland.

Like a confection, an utter confection of something like old medieval knights.

He had a vision.

Yes. He had a dream.

Little turrets up there with the arrows to come out. There's no bloody arrows

coming out of them.

Look at the one on the end with a little curly wig on top. I know.

Curly wig is a very unusual architectural term.

It is.

It's like, what was the thing on the end of your stick?

A ferule.

That's a real thing, a ferule. A ferule. A curly wig I just made up. Oh, you did?

Rotter.

What I really want to show Miriam is the interior, because Abbotsford is bursting

at the seams with all sorts of crazy knick-knacks covering every surface,

floor to ceiling.

Oh, my goodness, it's over the top. I know, like Camperama.

Isn't this a riot, though?

It's absurd, but it's wonderful.

Yeah, and this suit of armor is what inspired him to write Ivanhoe.

Ivanhoe is one of the books that sold gazillions and helped him pay for this

gorgeous place.

Doesn't look massively comfortable.

No.

However, Scott lost everything when his publishing house went bankrupt.

But he was able to keep Abbotsford by declaring, my right hand will earn the

money back.

This is where he wrote. See here?

This is where it all happened.

That was where he sat and wrote? That very chair.

My goodness.

And then these books are all sort of his reference, like his Wikipedia.

For all his research, for his books.

Now this... Oh, I like it.

..will blow your tits off.

Oh, my goodness. Isn't it great?

But look at the ceiling.

The thing about this ceiling, Miriam, get this, wooden, intricately carved

ceiling, right?

Wrong! It's all plaster.

Theatre set designers helped him do this. That's all plaster.

It's all smoke and mirrors. How brilliant. Isn't that great? Brilliant.

Who's this camp bugger? Look at that posture.

I know, look, check me out. Hello.

That's Walter Scott's son.

Because Walter Scott, you know, he had polio when he was a little boy, so he

had a funny leg.

And so he couldn't sort of fulfil his military fancies, but his son did, and

so he kind of glorified him.

Everything about this place is camp, camp, camp.

We end our tour in the room where Sir Walter ate his meals, and also... where

he met his maker.

So this is obviously the dining room, but he died in this room.

So he had his bed here so he could hear the river Tweed. So it's kind of nice.

Well, I think it's a wonderful room.

Isn't it nice? It's glorious.

I guess Tommy's setting up for a picture.

I've asked my friend and award-winning photographer, Tommy Gakenwan, to help

recreate this special family portrait called The Abbotsford Family as a

memento of the time Miriam and I have spent together.

Today, we're going to restage it for Tommy's camera.

So, Miriam, this is Tommy.

Hi, Miriam. He's an old friend.

He's going to recreate this picture in a photograph.

That's Walter Scott sitting there in the middle.

That's his wife Charlotte with a sort of bucket on her head.

I love that. Isn't that great?

It's a beautiful painting.

It was done actually here at Abbotsford.

He's really being the squire, isn't he? Yeah.

Laying out his family.

OK, are we ready?

I'm always ready, and I've given Miriam the starring role of Scott so I can slip

into something more comfortable and be his wife.

I hope this fits.

Because it's got... What do you call that?

The way this comes down just below the boobs?

Oh, it slips on a treat, dear.

Oh, look at your little...

What would you call that?

This was not in my wardrobe I would like to... Oh, go on.

How's that?

Lady Charlotte to a T.

So that's me.

Now here, I think this is a better hat.

Oh, right.

More. OK.

I'll just chuck it over there for a minute.

OK, and now we're just looking for some more people. Need some more.

Come on, girls.

In you come.

And since Sir Walter's picture included his family and friends, I've roped in my

TV family, who have been with us for the whole trip, to make up the numbers.

Oh, wait.

One last touch.

Oh, lovely.

The Allium tartan, the official tartan of this show. Maybe this should be

draped across you.

All right, everybody.

Pose. OK.

And last couple.

And beautiful.

Well done, everyone. Bravo, everybody.

Thank you, Tom.

Nearing the end of our time on the road, Miriam and I are driving into our final

destination, the beautiful capital city of Scotland, Edinburgh.

After our day making memories in Abbotsford, we need to find a place to

relax.

Edinburgh's always had a vibrant LGBTQ plus scene, full of bars and clubs,

offering people places to be safe and have fun.

But the place we're visiting tonight is a different sort of safe space.

Cafe Queer doesn't serve any alcohol, so the cafe's owner, Oscar Hansen, and his

flatmate, Evie, have put the kettle on for us queer folk.

I saw a post on Facebook that said that a little shop here in Brunsfield in

Edinburgh was looking for new management, for someone to take it over

and do something gorgeous with it. I shared the post on Facebook and said,

oh, wouldn't it be nice if we had a sober queer cafe?

Then my friend Zach commented saying, should we do it? And we just sort of

went for it, essentially.

And we just, like... inundated with messages from people saying this is

exactly what i want and especially people saying you know i maybe like i

have a 15 year old daughter who's realizing that she's lesbian and she

really wants a space to see other queer people and also from all the queer

people who are like i don't want to be sat in the pub with kylie minogue

screaming in my in my ear you know i just want to like sit down and meet my

queer friends and have a coffee oh that's lovely i can't deny that cafe

queer is much needed Even if I'm not yet sure, it's my cup of tea.

I'm just interested that gay people want to be with each other.

Because... Because... Tell me about it.

I don't really want to be with lots of gay people. You know, I mean, I want to

be with the ones I want to be with. But just to be gay, for me, isn't enough. I

want... A bit more than that. I think what you're saying is that there's

something about the ghettoizing of a queer-only environment that you, that

rubs you up the wrong way. Yes, that's what I'm trying to say. I hear you, but

also at the same time, I think it's really important for people to know that

they have a place to go. And I agree with that too.

I think it's more just the fact of it being a space that is very openly queer,

where you can say, okay, I can come in here.

with whoever it is that I know, you know, and just relax. No, that is

terrific. Yeah. Because in those days, when I was little, you didn't have that

possibility. Did you even have shops then?

Charming. I found it very difficult to tell my parents about my sexuality,

unlike Evie.

I never had to come out to them. I just started bringing women back occasionally

and they got the idea.

Because my parents were quite the opposite, you see.

I had to swear on the Bible.

That I would never sleep with a woman again. Why do you never told me that?

When did you like you didn't talk to but but what happened what you how did they

find out first of all? Well, I told mummy and mummy told daddy And what did

you say that he was a doctor?

But did you say I'm a lesbian?

Of course I did well, I mean I didn't I don't know if I actually used that word

because I didn't know that I was there What did you say? I said I

I've slept with a woman. Oh.

And it was shocking to my parents, absolutely devastating.

And it troubles me that I hurt them. And that's where I often have arguments with

other queer people, because I don't think that necessarily you have to tell

your parents or people close to you if they can't handle it.

It depends. You can tell it to people who can handle it, of course.

So back to the Bible, and I'm just trying to work out when. Was this

immediately after you found out? Well, yes, I mean, the next day. He said,

swear on the Bible. And did you swear?

I did.

However, I did the equivalent in my head of holding my hand behind my back and

crossing my fingers, because I knew that I would not be able to keep to the

promise that they wanted me to make.

My experience is one I'll always carry with me.

But I'm glad that there are places like this now, where people can truly relax

and be themselves.

We are three generations of queerness.

And because I'm 80, you're 56, and I don't know how old you are. 26 and 26.

Well, they're babies. I'm just going to fart. Wait a minute.

I was... There we go.

It's our final day together, and I've asked Alan to bring us to the village of

Crammond, just a few miles northwest of Edinburgh, on the banks of the River

Forth.

It's the perfect place to sit back and reflect on an amazing journey together.

I love this place.

Why is that?

I just think that it's the peace and the beauty and the

Scottishness of it.

And things don't come much more over-the-top Scottish than Abbotsford

House.

We have many things that we've picked up on this trip, many sort of items that I

have on my shelves, but look at this one.

Oh, my goodness!

Isn't that hilarious?

And look how lovely the tartan looks. And it fits in with my dress, which just

covers my knickers.

Just. I'm so thrilled by that. Doggy.

Thank you very much. That's a wonderful memory.

I've got a wee one.

I'd never heard you say that before.

Quite the reverse. Well, you know, no complaints so far. Such a nice little

memento. Also, such a bonkers image.

It's so nuts. It is extraordinary.

What did you do at school this week?

It's been nice to be able to show each other things that are special to us.

Yes. ..and people who are special to us. Well, that's why... I mean, Scotland is

my inheritance from my dad.

I think the interesting thing about this whole trip, these three weeks, has been,

like, discovering places that you... Rediscovering places that you love, but

also discovering new things. Well, I think...

I mean, yes, I guess you have. I mean, you knew they were there. I have had

onions in my life. You've had onions, but you've never bitten into a raw one.

And I was very sceptical and slightly judgy at the start of this trip. I felt

like an outsider in my own country. But actually, these three weeks have showed

me I'm not an outsider.

I felt completely at home and I felt completely connected.

And you feel joy when you're here. It's glorious, it's beautiful.

All those things you said are absolutely, I totally agree with that.

And the people we were lucky enough to come across, they were delicious in

every way.

Really love these three weeks with you and to get to know you better and also

just how game you are. You love, have a lust for life.

We have something, we're lucky to have Scotland in our lives.

And more hilarious travels await. This time on Two Wheels, David O'Doherty

invites you along for the ride. All episodes available on all four now.

On next Tuesday night, we explore the cult of conspiracy and dig beneath the

surface of some of QAnon's wildest theories to date. That's new at nine.