Original subtitles

♪ KIKI DEE: Doctor In Clover

♪ Doctor, oh, Doctor

♪ Endure me

♪ ) need a doctor

♪ To cure me

♪ Use your stethoscope now

♪ Here's my heart, show you how

♪ Make your eardrums go pow!

MAN: Breathe.

- Now out - (Woman sighs)

♪ Doctor, my favourite prescription

♪ Just fits the doctor's description

♪ Get your medicine down

♪ Stop the room going round

♪ )')) take the cure but that's because you're the doctor

♪ A doctor in clover can never be

♪ Counted on in an emergency

♪ Doctor, oh, Doctor

♪ I'm hoping'

♪ This bug needs your microscoping

♪ Lots of rest is all right

♪ Doctor, tum out the light

♪ This patient knows

♪ And that's why she chose the doctor

♪ This patient knows

♪ And that's why she chose the doctor

♪ Oh, Doctor!

♪ Mmm, the doctor

(Approaching footsteps)

(Door clanks open)

Seven o'clock.

I feel awful.

Now the time's come, I don't want to go.

You'll feel better after some breakfast. You can have anything you want.

Thanks.

I don't feel...very hungry really.

Strange, isn't it?

How you get attached to a place.

I've been here now, what...?

- Six months. - Six months!

Now it's all over.

All because of a bird.

Yes. But she was the Governor's daughter.

It's funny, last doctor got the sack for the same reason.

No!

And I didn't even know about it.

I hope someone told my landlady I was staying the night here.

What did your screws put in that drink last night?

Oh, that was a little concoction we discovered in Block C.

Prunes and methylated, I believe.

Well, the prunes should do a bit of good, I suppose.

Going to say goodbye to your patients?

Yeah, if I can walk that far without my head falling off.

Have to stop for a bit on the way, though. Ooh, those prunes!

How are you feeling, Fleming?

I'm feeling very poorly today, very poorly indeed.

Temperature normal, pulse normal.

Yeah, well, it's internal pain.

Somewhere round the abdomen I'm getting those sharp, purple, searing pains

followed by violent, green pains.

Perhaps it's the appendix

It'd be very surprising if it was.

You had it out three years ago.

Yeah, well, maybe they growed.

See, the pain, sir, is something awful.

I have to cry myself to sleep every night when I'm in bed, sir.

So could I just stay for one more week?

Just one more, eh, sir?

- Only one? - Yes, sir. Go on, sir.

You can stay here till the new doctor arrives.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Sir, just for that... you can have your watch back, sir.

Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Very kind. Thank you very much.

- Good luck, sir. - Thank you so much.

- Ah, how are you, Ashby? - Is it true you're leaving today?

- Yes. - Do us a favour, then.

- What's that? - Smuggle this out for us.

It's a dying man's letter for his invalid mother.

I didn't know your mother was a bookie.

Thanks, Doctor.

Hope it wins.

Ah, cheer up, Grafton. Only another six years to go.

Take a message to my Elsie, doc, would you?

If I do it for you, I've got to do it for everyone, haven't I?

Pity.

Is that Elsie?

Yes, sir.

Ooh, my dear!

Oh, I think I can help you here all right.

What's the message?

(Whispers)

(Stifled laugh)

- Well, I think I'll put it another way. - Oh, she'll like that, sir.

(Hom honks impatiently)

Cheers.

Grimsdyke.

- Sir Lancelot! - I thought so.

I never forget a face, although I deeply regret the fact on many occasions.

- Get in. - Yes, but you see, sir, I-I...

Doubtless you'd prefer to fiddle with the gear lever of the car that's just passed,

but that privilege has been denied you. Get in.

Yes, sir.

Were you in private practice before you went to...that place?

No, sir, I was at Pentonville for two years.

Hardly a matter for boasting. You've been struck off, of course?

Well, certainly not, sir.

I say, you don't think I was inside as a convict, do you?

I admit the thought had flashed across my mind.

No, sir, I was one of the prison doctors.

I do not train my students to coddle malingering convicts

but to go out into the world

and use the most modem medical methods science can devise.

Quite so, sir.

I'm going to teach you to be a doctor again, Grimsdyke,

so that once again you may go forth and save life.

If I catch you jaywalking again, I'll flatten you into the tarmac

(Ambulance bell rings)

- And come and see me again in a fortnight. - Thank you very much, Doctor.

Emergency, Doctor.

Ow! Careful!

How do you feel, doll?

- Where's the doctor? - You'll bourrée out of here in no time, dolly.

Sorry to bother you, Doctor. She fell on her entrechat.

She fell on her... Oh... Oh, the ballet.

She crumpled.

Crumpled like a cold soufflé.

(Australian accent) Yeah.

Came down like a sack of bloody potatoes.

What do you mean? My elevation's as good as Margot's any day.

Ah, what are you?

Now, now, don't excite yourself, Tatty.

And don't call me Tatty! My name's Tatiana!

Sorry I'm sure.

(False posh voice) Good heavens, Sidney. How many more times have I got to tell you?

Are you the manager?

I'm the choreographer, actually.

Now, this is Digger. Her partner.

Hi, doc.

Er...

Um...I would like to examine the lady, so if you wouldn't mind waiting outside?

Yes, of course. Tell me, is there a pub handy?

Yes. Opposite the gates.

- Good. Come on, lads. I could do with a...pint. - Me too.

- We can't just leave her, dollies. - Don't worry about me, darting, I'll be all right.

Right, now, Miss er... Oh, it is miss, yes?

Well, Doctor, I'm...

I'm not exactly a dame yet.

(Laughs)

Well, I'm afraid I don't go to the ballet much.

Oh, don't you?

Well, we must remedy that, mustn't we?

Which er... Which log is it?

Whichever you say.

Oh...

Um...

Does this hurt?

Um... Well, it's a bit difficult for me to say, really,

when I'm...wearing those tights.

(Screams)

Well, Doctor, I...I think you've hit it.

Er...Nurse, we'll have to have this X-rayed.

You... You don't...

I mean...will... I will be able to go on tonight, won't I?

No, I'm sorry.

W-What am I going to do?

My public

Oh!

Oh, now, please, don't...don't upset yourself, Miss er...

Pubikov.

You can call me Ruby, if you like.

It's my name, actually.

Oh, give us a hankie, will you?

(Blows noisily)

Thanks, darling'.

Mm.

What a gorgeous smell. What is it?

Well, it's ether, I expect.

Ether?

You kinky thing.

X-ray.

Well, we'll have to find a bed for Miss Rubikov.

A private room, of course.

- I'm afraid all the rooms are occupied. - The public ward?

Ah, never mind. It'll probably be full of your public.

Ohh! Oh, I never thought of that.

Well, Nurse Holiday, what can I do for you?

Kiss me, you kinky thing.

Very well.

If you think it'll help your complaint.

Come on.

Come on, now, hurry up.

It's my idiot cousin, Gaston Grimsdyke!

You don't think he's coming to work here, do you?

There's a quick way to find out. Go and ask him.

I wouldn't say I was going to work here exactly.

Oh, no. Just polishing up the old medical science before I go into private practice.

Whose idea was that?

Sir Lancelot, actually. To be perfectly frank, he insisted that I came.

And as I was a bit short of the old ready, well, what can you do?

You've got to do something, haven't you? Anyway, I like working with nurses.

Besides, my medical knowledge isn't exactly up to date.

You mean you're too frightened of Sir Lancelot to say no.

Suppose I get you a better job?

Say...ship's doctor on a Mediterranean cruise?

That's very nice of you. I accept. When do we start?

I was only suggesting that as an example.

I've got a feeling you don't want me here.

Well, yes, your feeling's dead right. I don't.

Look, I'm in line for a marvellous job and I don't want you messing it up.

Anybody would think I was a Jonah, or cast hoodoos or something.

Watch it!

Here. Here. Let me have it.

Get it out the window!

Oh, watch it!

Terribly sorry, sir!

Look out! The Dean!

What is happening?

The Dean! Tum it off

- The Dean! The Dean! - I don't care about the... Who? Ahh!

This is your bed.

Have you got anything softer? This is going to be a bit hard on my war wounds.

All the beds are exactly the same.

- Undress and put on this nightshirt, please. - I don't wear nightshirts, I wear pyjamas.

You wear the nightshirt to facilitate the doctor's examination.

- Now, put it on. - Is it clean?

- Of course it's clean! - Keep your hair on, I only asked.

For all I know, the fella that wore this before me might have had a touch of impetigo.

- Well, he didn't. - Well, what did he have?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Oh, that's nice, innit? That's marvellous, innit?

Oi!

I've just been asked to wear a nightshirt that was last worn by a fella with an unknown disease.

What's going to happen if I get it, then? That's what I want to know.

And if the disease was unknown, how are you going to know if I've got it?

I'm not wearing those. I'm wearing pyjamas.

I'll have the screen round me. I don't want everybody to see what I've got.

Don't bother, Nurse.

Tell the doctor I'll be ready in about ten minutes.

You'll be lucky!. He won't be in here until he's finished in the women's wards.

Oh, it's women and children first, is it?

Well, all I hope is he knows I'm an emergency.

And if I should fall into a coma before he arrives, my blood group is AB rhesus negative.

Well, now, a good doctor must learn to move fast and silently.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

- Morning, Sister. - Morning, Sir Lancelot.

Morning, Nurse. This is Dr Gaston Grimsdyke. He's just joined us.

- Good morning, Doctor. - Morning, Sister.

Good morning, Doctor.

Hello!

Hello.

Could we, by a superhuman effort of will, concentrate on the patients, Doctor?

Of course, Sir Lancelot.

Morning.

- Morning. - Morning.

You, Symington, be so kind as to examine this lady’s abdomen.

The symptoms are acute pain in the lower a do men and back

and treatment so far is liquid diet and pethidine four-hourly.

What is your diagnosis?

Oh! Couldn't you warm your hand first?

Oh. Sorry.

Spleen, sir?

Diseased spleen?

Have you sat at my feet for a full year without knowing where the spleen is situated?

Like casting pearls before swine, Sister.

I don't know how I survive.

Perhaps you'd honour us with another wild guess.

- Wind, sir. - 'S'not!

You know, flatulence.

It might be. It might well be. But if it were, we would hardly allow this lady,

charming though she undoubtedly is, to occupy a valuable bed!

We'd have a whip-round and buy her some bicarbonate of soda

and send her on her way rejoicing.

- (All laugh) - Really, what's wrong with the patient?

- You, Grimsdyke. - (Laughs)

- Me, sir? - Yes, you.

Er... Yes, of course. Right away, sir.

Right away. Now...

Yes, well, there we are.

Half past eleven.

Right, here we go, then.

I think we're onto something here, sir.

Now, let me see your tongue.

Oh. Thank you very much.

You'll be asking the patient to say "99" in a minute!

Say "99".

Those are excellent aids to diagnosis but hardly relevant to this case!

From what is the patient suffering?

I have absolutely no doubt at all, sir.

No doubt in my mind whatsoever that she is...

suffering, sir.

Oh, yes.

She is suffering...from er...

(Mouths)

Stones, sir?

In the um...kidneys?

Quite right. And what treatment would you advise?

We obviously can't dissolve them, can we, sir?

So, if I were a skilled surgeon like you, sir,

Id um...

...yank 'em out.

I am not exactly enamoured of the suggestion that I ever yank anything anywhere.

However, I do propose to remove them this afternoon.

Oh, don't be alarmed, madam. I've removed hundreds of stones in my time.

Enough to cobble a courtyard.

You'll feel no pain and, what is more,

you can take them home and have them mounted as cufflinks

for your ever-loving husband.

And the next, Sister.

What is your opinion of this patient, Preston?

The patient appears to be sinking fast, sir.

We are all hanging on your every utterance, Preston.

What is wrong?

Postoperational shock, sir.

Hardly a very inspired suggestion in view of the fact the patient has not undergone surgery.

Would you oblige us once more, Dr Grimsdyke?

- Of course, sir. (Clicks fingers)

Thank you.

- Morning. - Morning.

Yes, it's pretty obvious, sir.

The patient is fully recovered and can be discharged. Thank you, Sister.

My congratulations on your recovery, madam.

Thank you.

(Cheerful banter and laughter nearby)

Ooh, it's lovely! What am I supposed to do with this?

(Laughter)

Ooh.

Hello, darting. Come and join us, who over you are.

What the devil's this? A wedding reception?

Fab beard.

Get rid of them.

Who gave you permission to visit?

Nobody, doll face. When the queen calls, her subjects obey.

You have exactly 30 seconds to get out of here before I turn the fire hoses on you.

Pardon us for living.

Bye, doll. Come on, Digs, lot's go.

Excuse me. Oops! Cheeky!

Madam, it is strictly against the rules to entertain visitors outside specified hours.

Get rid of all this rubbish.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, darting.

Well...love laughs at locksmiths, doesn't it?

Neither love, laughter nor locksmiths, unless they be seriously ill,

have any place within this hospital, madam.

You're a bit of a piglet, aren't you, darting?

I am also senior surgeon here and would advise you to obey the rules.

To hear is to obey.

So divinely bossy.

What appears to be wrong with this patient, Sister?

It's the most essential part of me.

Well, one of them, anyway.

I say!

The patient has a painful swelling above the left patella.

Will you be so good as to diagnose, Beckwith?

Yes, sir.

There's no need to be nervous, Doctor.

I've been examined before, you know.

- A dislocated cartilage, sir? - And the remedy?

- Put it back into place, sir. - And how would you do that?

- Like this, sir. - Don't jump the gun, Beckwith!

He jumped it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

There's no need for an apology, madam.

He asked for it. A very salutary lesson, gentlemen.

Never crank the engine while the car is in gear.

And now one of you had better put his jaw back into place.

Will you examine now, Doctor?

Oh, of course, sir.

Here we go, eh, sir?

Er, excuse me, sir.

- Well, the cartilage is evidently torn, sir. - And the remedy?

And the remedy?

Operate, sir.

I agree.

No! No, I won't have an operation!

Now, madam, don't fret.

We'll soon have you going through the hoops again.

Going through the hoops?!

What kind of performer do you think I am, darting?

Admirable, I'm sure, in every way.

Your powers of diagnosis are almost uncanny, Doctor.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

A bit too uncanny, in fact. I propose to send you to Research for a spell.

But I'm quite happy as I am, sir.

I'm sure you are. I, however, have the moral we it are of the nurses to consider.

And the physical we it are of the patients.

- So you'll go to Research and cool off for a bit. - That's very kind of you, sir.

- Hello, Tweetypie. BIRD: Who's a silly old beggar?

You are. What is your opinion on keeping birds in the wards, Doctor?

I love birds, sir.

Oh, you mean the parrot.

Yes, it's er...a bit unhygienic isn't it, sir?

Oh, very. But its advantages well outweigh the disadvantages.

Gives the patients something to think about other than themselves.

- Bumr! (Parrot squawks)

(Blows)

They're nice, aren't they, mate? Cost me 16 packets of detergent.

You can't tell 'em from the real thing,

- can you, mate? - I can and I'm not your mate.

Oh, you're one of those. Not good enough for you, eh?

Well, I'll tell you something, mate. I'm a fully paid-up member of the National Health

and I’m entitled to all the benefits

plus a little respect from the upper classes.

(Groans theatrically)

- How are you getting on today? - Very slowly, Sir Lancelot, slowly.

I suppose there's no chance of getting into a private ward yet?

I very much doubt it. What is the situation, Sister?

- Quite out of the question, I'm afraid. -Very sorry, Mr Tristram. Have to soldier on.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Mr Wendover. What appears to be the matter?

That's up to you to find out, Doctor.

That's what I'm here for, so you can find that out.

- What appears to be the trouble? - He has shooting pains up his back.

And down my front. I know what it is, it's my war wound. Shrapnel on the move.

And how did that happen?

I was bending down in the trenches, before taking my men over the top,

when off goes a grenade and a lump of shrapnel hits me up the...

Rectum?

- Well, it didn't do 'em any good. - Has he been X-rayed?

I'll see those later. Lot's see your stomach.

Not on your Nelly.

In front of all those students? I'm not a peepshow.

I know my rights. I'm not a guinea pig.

You're the doctor that's dealing with my stomach. Everybody else, out!

Everybody will stay exactly where he is!

You're under observation, Wendover

We'll find out whether there's anything wrong or whether you're malingering.

Did you hear that? Malingering?!

You'll be hearing from my solicitors in the morning, you will.

- Does that hurt? - Yeah. Ooh!

- And that? - Ooh!

Just a minute. I hope your hands are clean.

Don't be impertinent!

Learn to control your tongue or III have you discharged forthwith.

Is that a threat? Are you threatening me? That's nice.

I'm on my deathbed and I'm being threatened. You wouldn't talk to me like that if I was royalty.

You are not royalty.

I know I'm not. I'm just a bit of cannon fodder what fought for King and country

and is now a guinea pig for the medical profession.

All right, if you want everybody to see my stomach. Here, Nurse, look at this.

And the rest of you can play noughts and crosses on it. Come on.

We have neither the time nor the inclination.

Sister, give him a purge to make his bowels work and I'll see him in the morning.

In the morning? Might be too late. I might be dead then.

And I tell you one thing, if I am, I'll demand an inquest.

Nurse. I've been looking for you.

Thanks for helping me out with those questions.

It was a great pleasure.

Look, um, this is my first day here and I haven't made any friends yet.

I was wondering if you'd like to... answer a few more questions?

Oh, yes.

- I'd love to answer a few more questions. - Over dinner?

I'm sorry, Doctor.

Oh. Why, have you got a date?

(Mouths)

- Who with? (Mouths)

(Mouths)

Fiancé?! Oh! Now...we're not going to let a little thing like that stand between us, are we?

(Mouths)

Well...what a nice couple you make.

I'll see you in Casualty tomorrow, Doctor.

I won't be in Casualty tomorrow.

You will be if you ask her out again.

And so, with those few inadequate words,

raise your glasses and drink to the happy and peaceful retirement

- of our dear Matron, Miss Bobsover. ALL: Miss Bobsover.

And at the same time to welcome our new Matron, Miss Sweet.

- Miss Bobsover, Miss Sweet. ALL: Miss Sweet, Miss Bobsover.

Allow me to introduce myself. Lancelot Spratt. How do you do?

How do you do, Sir Lancelot? I know you very well by reputation, of course.

That's not always complimentary to me, but from you I shall accept it as one.

- May I get you a drink? - I don't drink, thank you.

Very right and proper. Look after the liver and the complex ton looks after itself.

- What about a cigarette? - I don't smoke either.

Have we no vices, mentionable or unmentionable?

I'm rather keen on chess.

A splendidly sedentary and non-soporific game.

I enjoy a canter across the board myself, metaphorically speaking, of course.

May I get you some more tea?

No, thank you. I really must go and change.

I think Matron would like me to take over as soon as possible.

Very good. I shall look forward to many enjoyable encounters during my rounds.

Miles.

She seems a very agreeable sort of woman.

Courteous and respectful.

- I think she'll be house-trained by Christmas. - I hope so, sir.

Ah, Grimsdyke. Been looking for you.

Well, here I am, Professor Half beck.

What can I do for you, sir?

It's the other way round. It's what I can do for you.

I'm leaving for Canada in the New Year

and Id like you to know that though there are more than a dozen candidates after my job,

I'm recommending that it should be given to a certain Dr Grimsdyke.

Well, that's...that's most generous of you, sir.

Er...by the way, you will make it clear that you're recommending Dr Miles Grimsdyke,

- not Dr Gaston Grimsdyke? - You have a brother?

Well, no, he's my cousin, actually.

- Of course I'll recommend the right one.

Shall I...put it down for you, sir?

Good idea. Save further confusion, won't it?

There. I think that... that ought to be perfectly clear.

Ah, yes. Dr Miles Grimsdyke.

No, no, Dr Gaston Grimsdyke.

How do you do? I didn't get your name.

Send me a memo, Grimsdyke, there's a good chap.

(Sighs) The sooner I find you another job, the better it'll be for all of us.

Don't worry. I've just heard about the most wonderful job. Suit me to a tee.

- Oh, thank heavens! What is it? - Swear you won't tell anybody?

There's a lot of chaps who'd like to get onto it if they knew.

I won't tell a soul.

Well, it seems there's a fellow here called Half beck

who's leaving here and going to Canada just after Christmas.

Now, I thought with a little bit of luck, using some of our family charm,

I might get the job.

(Nurses giggle)

- Excuse me, sir? - Uh-huh?

- I wonder if I may have a word with you? - Yes, of course.

I need advice.

Oh, you've come to the right man. As long as its not about medicine.

Well, actually, sir, it's about a girl.

A girl?

I think I can safely say I'm something of an expert on the fair sex

(Pushes machine violently) - Oh, you know.

I think I'm in love, sir.

What, don't you know?

No, sir, not for sure.

I mean I can't eat, can't sleep, can't think...

- Well, I never was much good at that, sir. - No, you weren't, actually.

And wherever I look, I see her.

- Who? - The prettiest physiotherapist in the hospital.

- What's her name? - (French accent) Janine Belmont.

- Oh, I must have missed her. - I beg your pardon, sir?

Oh, nothing, nothing. Excuse me.

Any other symptoms?

Janine Belmont.

Yes, sir. Well, it may sound ridiculous, but every time I see her, I hear music.

♪ Da-da-da-da daaaa dum da-da dum!

Symington,

is she terribly pretty, this girl?

She's fantastic, sir!

She's got the most beautiful eyes. And the most wonderful figure.

- You should see her in the swimming pool. - I'd like to, I really would.

Is she... Is she in it now?

Well, she should be.

Why don't you come and look? Then perhaps you could tell if she's keen on me.

Good heavens! Don't you know that either?

Haven't you kissed her or...anything?

Well, not yet, sir. I've only been out with her nine times.

Things have certainly changed since I was a medical student. Nine times!

- She very petite. - She's what?

- Petite. - What, only one?

There she is.

(French accent) That's wonderful, Tommy. Shall we try again?

Come back.

Well? What do you think?

You do think she's pretty, don't you?

Hm? Well, you know...

Not bad, not bad.

Hello.

She's seen me!

Look, if I play my cards property, do you think I've got a chance?

I hate to have to tell you this, old chap,

as a man of the world, being much more experienced in those matters

than most people twice my age, I'm going to have to be brutal with you

and say, albeit reluctantly, of course...

...you haven't got a hope in hell.

You mean she's not interested?

Not in the slightest.

Wasting your time.

Funny. Funny she's just waved to me.

Come on. Again.

That's better.

What a delightful little boy you're helping.

He broke his leg. We're trying to make it better, Doctor.

- You are a doctor, aren't you? - Rather! Dr Gaston Grimsdyke.

The Gaston comes from the French side of the family.

I believe, in fact, I'm related to Napoleon.

What a shame. He was a nasty little man.

Oh. Only a distant relation, of course, you know.

I hope you don't mind my speaking to you, Mademoiselle...

Belmont. Janine.

(French accent) Janine Belmont. Aw, charmante.

Look, I'm writing a treatise on physiotherapy and I was wondering...

if we could have dinner and talk about it.

That's right. How clever of you to guess.

It's not clever at all

because already five doctors and 12 medical students have made the same suggestion.

How about having dinner and not talking about physiotherapy?

That sounds a lot better. No, thank you.

- How about having dinner and not even talking? - No.

What's the matter, don't you fancy me? I mean, don't you like me?

Oh, no, it's not that, but you see,

I'm only 20 and er...you're too old.

Me, too old?! How old do you think I am?

About er...36?

I'm nothing of the sort!

I may look 36 but I'm...I'm only 35.

There you are, then.

15 years difference. When I'm 36, you're already over 100.

(To himself) Too old!

Too old!

You can pack in your research. I've found the perfect job for you.

Medical officer, ladies college, British Columbia.

800 females! From 18 to 22. And only one young man, Gaston the great lover boy.

Me, young?

I've already got one foot in the grave.

You're not suffering from an incurable disease, are you?

I'm afraid so. It's ghastly. It's never happened to me before.

- I'm in love. - With a girl?

Well, naturally.

Trouble is, she's 15 years younger than me.

- Well, that's never worried you before. - It worries her.

Good. Then you can take this job in British Columbia

and forget all about her.

Miles, you don't seem to understand. This is the real thing.

I'm even contemplating...marriage.

You mean you don't want the job?

It pays $10,000 a year!

It's very nice of you to think of me, but Half becks job is worth a very good salary.

- More than enough to get married on. - I know that, you idiot.

It's earmarked for me. Unless you muck it up.

Look here, I told you about that in the strictest secrecy.

Everybody knows about it and that I'm going to get it.

Good morning, Matron.

Is this bed supposed to be made?

The proper way to make a bed is to fold the corners in at an angle of precisely 25 degrees.

Those corners are at an angle of at least 30 degrees.

Remake all the beds in the ward in the proper manner.

And, Sister, your collar is not sufficiently starched.

Nurse! Are you wearing false eyelashes?

- No, Matron. - Speak up, girl.

- No, Matron. - That's better.

I never allow any of my nurses to wear artificial aids to so-called beauty.

It is unhygienic and encourages licentiousness from the male patients.

Go at once and take them off and wash your face with soap and water.

Yes, Matron.

PARROT: Who's a silly old buzzard?

Sister, what is that bird doing here?

Get it out of my hospital at once!

- (Patients complain) - Silence!

In 20 years of nursing, I have never known anything like this.

A pet in a ward? Disgraceful, disgusting. Disinfect.

- But, Matron, Sir Lancelot expressly asked... - Oh, did he?

Well, I have already expressly asked for it to be removed.

I do not propose to repeat myself.

- Bancroft, remove the patient. - The patient?

- The parrot! - But, Matron, it's...

- Nurse! - Yes, Matron.

Come on, Tweetypie.

Now, get this clear, everyone, nurses and patients.

You are not here to enjoy yourselves,

you are here to get better.

And better you are going to get!

PARROT: Help, Sir Lancelot!

Where are you taking my parrot?

Matron instructed me to remove it, sir.

And I instruct you to replace it.

Well, come on, girl, what are you waiting for?

Come on, give me the parrot. I'll take it back to the ward.

Come along, Tweetypie, back you come to where you belong.

Come on, talk to your old man. Back with all the pretty girls.

There you are, back where you started from.

Oh, Matron, there appears to have been some slight misunderstanding.

I don't know whether you're aware, but I gave instructions

that this parrot was to remain in the ward.

There was no misunderstanding, Sir Lancelot.

I gave instructions for it to be removed.

Nurse, remove it.

- Excuse me. - Nurse, replace it, if you'd be so kind.

- Remove it, Nurse. PARROT: Help!

Let us get one thing crystal clear, Sir Lancelot,

I am responsible for the wards of this hospital, and for instructing the nurses.

You are responsible for the patients.

If you do not like the arrangement, I suggest you complain to a higher authority.

Excuse me, miss, haven't I seen you before somewhere?

I'm afraid you're the only one who could answer that.

Here, I got it, you're Tatiana Rubikov.

Last time I caught you, you were having a bash at Sylphides.

- Oh, wonderful pont-levis? Wonderful. - Oh, how very kind of you to say so.

Nothing like a bash of Sylphides when you've got the hump.

Are you fond of ballet, then?

Oh, I know it all, love. I know it all backwards.

Fouettes, arabesques,

enchainements, entrechats...

I never had a bash at it myself. My dad wouldn't let me do it.

Oh, what a very silly daddy!

- (Giggles) - You think so?

Oh, yes. You'd have made a wonderful dancer.

You've got the physique.

You know what I think?

I think your ball on would be sheer magic.

- My what? - Your ball on.

My balloon? Oh, that would have gone up, wouldn't it? But he kept it down.

Still, there you are.

But your gissle, that's a treat.

- My... My... My what? - Show us a bit of your gissle.

Oh, I... My... Oh, not here!

Show us that bit where you go bonkers, you pull the beads off and you fall down.

Oh, my Giselle!

- Yeah, go on. - Oh, do you like it?

- How sweet of you. - Go on, do a little bit now.

- No, I couldn't possibly. - Oh, go on, we're in the same hospital.

- I couldn't possibly. - All right, then.

Well, er...if you wouldn't mind holding my crutch for a moment.

♪ ADOLPHE ADAM: Giselle

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, thank you very much.

- That's better than all your pills, love. - Won't you help me up, darting?

Mr Wendover!

- What are you doing out of bed? - Three guesses, mate...

...tron.

Kindly return to your ward at once!

Sisters!

- Come on. - Hey, watch it. Watch it.

Watch it!

You should not be in this corridor, Miss Rubikov.

These are the men's wards

Oh, are they really?

I had no idea.

It is my belief that you are a sex maniac.

(Knock at door)

Come in.

- Sir? - Ah, Grimsdyke.

That woman's quite impossible. She's a gorgon.

She should be in a home for stray dragons, not matron of a busy hospital.

- She is a bit of a case, sir. - Psychiatric case, if you ask me.

I can't say I've dug down very deep myself, sir.

You don't have to. It's obvious.

She's repressed. She needs an object to love.

She's got her chessboard.

She needs a man, not a ruddy rook! Sit down, Grimsdyke.

A man. That's very interesting, sir, but, I mean, what man?

Who would you get...that's...n...

You must be joking, sir!

Why not?

It'd all be part of a day's work to you, with your abundant talents.

I...I...I can't take on dragons, sir.

I'm not the St George type.

I might be able to put in a word for you promotion-wise

if you agree to co-operate.

I'm too young, sir.

Nonsense. How old are you? 43? 44?

I'm just pushing 35!

Hmm. Well, you look older. Probably because you're the pushing type.

Let me off this one, sir, please.

Oh, please. Look, I'll find someone else.

Please, sir.

Very well. I'll give you a free hand.

But love she needs and love she must get.

I'll do my best, love. Er...sir.

Very good.

If I do succeed sir, you will put in a word for me promotion-wise?

I'll think about it.

We'll both think about it, won't we, Tweetypie? Eh? Mmm.

Where do you think you're going, Mr Wendover?

I'm not going anywhere, Nurse. I've just been. For the fifth time.

That wasn't a pill you gave me, that was an H-bomb.

You ought to give a pair of roller skates with that stuff.

- Get back into bed at once. - All right, don't get onto me.

Ain't got much strength left.

Takes it out of you, that stuff.

(Soft whistle)

- What's the matter? - You're sinking fast, mate.

You want to see this. I know about medicine.

They'll be having those screens round and wheeling you away.

I've only got water on the knee.

- Is that what they told you? That's nice. - Of course that's what they told me.

Well, if they told you what was really wrong, it'd sap your will to live.

Take my advice, I should start reading short stories.

Hey, mister, do you really know about medicine?

Well, naturally, mate. I wouldn't talk about it otherwise.

It's all in the Home Doctor. You want to get yourself a copy. A dollar.

They told me that my dizziness had something to do with the chalk balls in my ears.

It's something to do with the balance.

Every time I stand up, I fall down.

Ah, well, you've probably got chalk balls in your ears.

That's what the doctor told me! He's good.

He knows, he knows. You should have been a doctor.

It's all in there. Borrow it if you want. Have a look.

It comes under B. "Balls, chalky."

Was there something, Nurse?

Take off your pyjamas, please.

What's the idea, then?

You're to have a blanket bath.

- What's the matter with a proper bath? - Matron's orders.

All patients are to have a blanket bath daily. I'm not arguing with Matron.

Try it. I'd like to see the person to give me a blanket bath.

Don't be ridiculous, Wendover. Nurse is going to give me one, too.

You probably enjoy that kind of thing. You're probably filthier than what I am.

I am not filthy.

What do you want a bath for, then?

- Take off his pyjama jacket, please, Nurse. - You try it. Leave it alone.

- Just leave it. Leave it, if you don't... - Now, come on.

- Leave it! - What is going on here?

This patient refuses to have his blanket bath, Matron.

That's right, Matron. My skin's sensitive. I'm allergic to soap.

Well, I'm allergic to argumentative patients. Come along.

Hey, watch it. Hey, what are you doing?

Don't push your luck, mate.

I used to be middleweight champion, you know.

Oh! This is an invasion of my privacy.

I shall write to the BBC about this.

- And the Daily Mirror. And... - Will you shut up?

Now, come along.

Come along!

Mr Wendover.

That's better.

That's it. It's not so bad, is it, after all?

Ow!

Hey, Matron,

that's my too.

All right, I give in. I know when I'm beaten. You might as well take it steady.

My back.

Come on, dry him off now.

That's better.

- Come along. - No, I can do that.

Come along, come along, don't be modest, Mr Wendover.

Haven't got all day, you know.

There we are, then.

Now, feel better after that, don't you?

I do. Matron, what are you doing for dinner tonight?

I expect he smells a bit better now anyway.

(Laughs)

Come on, you're next.

Oh, no, Matron, no, no!

No, I...I...

Ah!

(Laughs)

And what are you laughing at?

I can't wait to see him get a blanket bath.

Your turn, Mr Parton.

That's enough, Tommy. Go and get dressed.

- Hello, Tommy. - Hello, Doctor.

- There, now. - Haven't you any work to do, Doctor?

Oh, yes, lashings of it.

You wouldn't be free for dinner tonight, I suppose?

I'm afraid not. Symie's taking me to the pictures.

Symie?

Lambert Symington. You know him, he brought you here last weekend.

You're surely not interested in him, are you?

Well, he's very attractive, in a funny sort of a way.

Yes, very funny.

I wouldn't be interested in him, if I were you.

He's practically engaged, you know.

Who to?

Well, to...to an au pair girl in Bristol.

That's it.

German Fraulein.

Damned pretty. Oh! He likes the Nordic types, you know.

Mm, I didn't know.

Yes, so why not, in the circumstances, cancel your date and come out with me?

I don't think I'll do that, if you don't mind.

Well, how about tomorrow evening, then?

No.

- Non? - Non.

- Day after? - No. No.

- Non? - No.

- I'm not doing very well, am I? - No.

(Groans)

I feel as though I was only 21 today!

Dr Grimsdyke!

What? Ah!

What on earth do you think you're doing?!

(Splutters)

- Gaston, I've just heard about... - Can't you read?

It says quite clearly on the door "Do not disturb".

Well, I didn't think that applied to blood relations.

- Now, look... - What's happened to your face?

If you really must know, it's a mudpack.

It vanishes wrinkles and bags under the eyes.

Eugh! I look like a very hot Easter egg.

Oh, it's your girlfriend.

I've got to try and look younger than I do if I'm going to have a chance.

Oh, I say, it's tightening up.

Ooh, dear. I don't think I like this.

- Is this to her? - What is it?

It's a bit flowery, isn't it?

It's extremely bad manners for a chap to read another chap's letters.

Yes, I know. "Ever since you walked into the hospital, my life has changed.

I'm...I'm dancing on daffodils"?!

That's a bit of a feat for this time of year, isn't it?

As it happens, that letter is not intended for Janine. It's to Matron.

Matron?!

At Sir Lancelot's request, I'm trying to get her a man.

Make her calm down. I don't think I can stand this much longer.

Who's it supposed to be from?

It's Lambert Symington, that idiot student who's been pestering Janine.

He's going to be sorry, you know.

How about this bit?

"Until I know my, dare I say it, love is returned,

I must sign myself merely LS."

(Laughs) It's rather moving, don't you think?

It's rather a dirty trick to play on poor old Symington.

All's fair in love and war.

I've got to get this off now. I've had enough.

Give us a hand, will you?

Oh, I say!

Oh, I don't like this.

Ooh! No, look, steady.

Keep still!

Ooh, the things us girls go through.

Ooh!

(Mutters)

Ah! No! It's caught.

It's your moustache. It's stuck.

Just a minute. I'll cut it off. I'll cut it off.

No! No! Good heavens, man, I'd...I'd be naked without that.

(Rips)

Now, there we are.

I look exactly the same.

And what do you think you're doing, Grimsdyke?

Carrying out instructions, sir.

Getting Matron a man.

LS?

LS.

Tomorrow, she'll get a nice bouquet, sir.

Well done, Grimsdyke.

- Lancelot Spratt! - Yes, Matron?

You're looking quite singularly happy. Are you?

I er...I don't know.

I...I think I am.

Good. Very good.

Excellent. And now, if you'll excuse me...

(Couple converse passionately in French film)

You don't have to be rude, you lunatic!

Dr Grimsdyke!

Oh, well...

- I say, what a coincidence. - Isn't it absolutely amazing?

I'm terribly sorry, Janine. If I'd have had the slightest idea...

Shh!

Naturally, I'll go and sit somewhere else.

Sit down! I can't see through your back.

Terribly sorry, madam. Sorry.

Caterina! Oh, Caterina!

Oh, Caterina. Caterina, que tu es belle.

Moi aussi.

Non! Oh, non!

- Viens J'ai quelque chose à te dire. - Non! Non!

- Non! - Oh, Caterina! Caterina!

Ah, non.

Qu'est-ce que j'ai fait, moi? C'est pas possible.

T'es une femme mariée.

J'ai été élevé par mes grandparents

IIs m'ont appris à être un bon garçon,

à écouter monsieur le curé, à respecter les dix commandements

Moi aussi, je Viens dune famille pauvre, moi aussi je respecte.

Je respecte mes parents, les dix commandements,

mais je suis une femme.

Une femme passionnée.

Une femme mariée.

Oh, Caterina!

Caterina, je me donne!

Moi aussi, Pierre, moi aussi!

Oh, Caterina!

Oh, Caterina!

Oh, Caterina!

Caterina, tu me donnes?

Caterina...

Moi aussi, Pierre.

Moi aussi, je Viens dune famille pauvre,

moi aussi je respecte mes parents, les dix commandements

Je suis une femme passionnée.

Une femme mariée.

Tu es une femme mariée.

J'ai été élevé par mes grandparents

IIs m'ont appris à être un bon garçon et à écouter monsieur le curé,

à respecter les dix commandements

(Lovers kiss)

Oh! Ooh là là!

C'est vous, maître Benoit. Ne tirez pas!

C'est moi, c'est Pierre! Ah!

- Excuse me. - Oh, yes.

Can I give you two a lift? I thought we might have a bite together somewhere.

Oh. Oh, well, it's very kind of you, sir...

- You needn't call me sir off duty, Symington. - Oh, sorry, sir. Force of habit.

- Respect for your advancing years. - That'll do.

Now, where shall we nosh?

Well, I was trying to explain, sir,

- I always go back to Janine's place afterwards. - You do? What for?

- Oh, the usual thing. - Filthy swine!

What's wrong with having a spot of supper with a girl, sir?

Yeah, I see, but what do you do after supper? I mean, do you...um, you know?

- Oh, yes, always. - You filthy swine!

Look, sir, haven't you ever watched television with a girl?

Yeah, never mind what I do.

You should be studying, not canoodling in the dark with some innocent little girl.

But she asked me, sir!

It's only when you're a fully qualified doctor on the threshold of success

that you should take time off at night.

Especially as there's another loves you so dearly.

- Loves me? Who? - No, shh.

- Ah, there we are, then. - Good night, sir.

Good night, sir.

SYMINGTON: Hos a nice old chap, isn't ho? - Yes, quite sweet.

Come in.

Looks like you've got an admirer, Matron.

Don't be impertinent!

LS.

- Thrombosis. - What's that?

It says it's a medical term for the formation of a blood clot within a blood vessel.

If the clot moves from its original position, you've had it.

How are you feeling this morning, Wendover?

Didn't the nurse tell you? I had a corona during the night.

- Got it on the chart? - No.

Well, that's nice, isn't it? That's very efficient.

I'm lying next to death's door and nobody's made a note of it.

Can't have been a very serious coronary if nobody else noticed it, can it?

Not serious? Not serious he says! Not serious!

Did you ring for the night nurse?

- I was rigid, Doctor. Wasn't I, I was rigid? - He was there rigid. Rigid he was.

I was lying here, I was saying to myself,

"Hello, here comes a blood clot. I'm having a corona." Didn't I?

That's what he said. That's what he said.

I lay here and I said..."Tarquin..."

I said, "..this is it son, this is your lot." Didn't I?

That's what he said. And I would have got up to help him only I remembered my chalky white...

Yeah, he never forgets those, Doctor.

And old Lord Muck over here, he didn't lend a hand, did he?

He just laid there snoring while I was in the valley of darkness.

You seem to have made a remarkable recovery. Lot's have a look at your stomach.

It's cos I knew what to do, though, Doctor.

Lie here rigid and let the clot flow through my system and disperse itself up my right intestine.

If that clot had stopped on its way through my brain, I'd have had it.

Yeah, they would have had the screens around him and he would have been wheeled away.

- Does that hurt? - No.

- Does that? - No.

- Does that? - Ooh-ahh!

I think we shall have to open you up, Wendover.

Open me up? I'm not a tin of baked beans, you know. What for?

See what's inside.

But you don't even know what you're looking for.

You're not leading a search party through my abdominal regions.

I would have you know, Wendover, that I've explored more abdominal cavities

than you've filled in football pools.

And with far greater success.

Furthermore, if I decide that it is necessary to open you up

from here...

...to there...

and from there...

to there, opened up you will be.

I never did like keyhole surgery at any time.

Good day to you.

Oh, that's nice.

First of all he thinks I'm a tin of baked beans

and now he thinks I'm a hot cross bun!

marvellous, innit?

- Good morning, Sir Lancelot. - Morning, Matron.

Morning, ladies. Ah, Mrs Baker, how are we today?

Oh, much better, Doctor, since dear Tweetypie came back.

(Parrot cackles)

What on earth made you do that, Matron?

I thought the matter over and decided you were right.

Morale is more important than anything.

I never expected we should come to an understanding so quickly.

May I accompany you on the rest of your rounds?

I should be honoured. Morning, ladies.

MRS BAKER Goodbye. Goodbye.

I wanted a word with you anyway.

Oh? Er, Sister.

What about?

Oh, this terrible television thing.

Oh, I'm afraid I don't know anything about that.

Some idiotic program me called The Hands Of A Surgeon.

They want to televise an operation from our theatre.

With you as the star?

Well, you could put it that way. Yes, with me as the star.

Naturally, I should want the use of the best nursing staff' available.

Oh, of course, Sir Lancelot.

Grimsdyke, what are you doing here? I thought you were working in Research.

Yes, so I am. I'm hoping to become a bit of an expert on rejuvenation.

So I thought I'd come down here and study the kiddies for a bit.

Mm. Hello, Tommy, how are you getting on?

All right, thank you, sir.

- Well, have you finished your studies, Doctor? - Yes, well, I...I...

Then I expect you'll want to get back to Research.

Yes, of course, Matron, right away.

(Matron squawks)

Grimsdyke: III save you, Matron!

(Matron screams)

All right, I've got you. Don't worry! Don't worry!

(Grimsdyke breathes heavily)

Good heavens, Grimsdyke!

Stop all this malarkey!

- It's only three foot deep! - What? Oh.

So it is, sir.

I say, I think she really is drowning.

Waterlogged, I fancy, sir. She was going down for the third time when I saved her.

Well, you didn't want her to drown...did you, sir?

Bit of artificial respiration and she'll be as good as new.

Look, give her the kiss of life, sir.

Oh, Sir Lancelot!

(Ambulance bell rings)

Oh, Miles, can you spare me a minute?

Excuse me, won't you, miss?

Watch it, mate.

I beg your pardon...sir.

You can put on your shirt. Take this down to the dispensary, they'll make it up for you.

What is it, Gaston?

It's Janine. She won't look at me. She says I'm too old.

This is no laughing matter. You've got to help me regain my youth.

I'll do anything, Miles. Anything.

I'd even promise not to go after Half becks job.

Have you tried Dextranome 90?

No, but I will. What is it?

Well, it's a sort of um...super pick-me-up for old people.

One injection takes 10 years off your age.

Ten years!

Well, for about 12 hours.

That'd be a help. I'll take some before the nurses' dance.

You get a reaction when it's worn off.

Thanks, Miles, you're a real friend. Where do I get this stuff?

Well, there should be a bottle in Research.

But it's still in the experimental stage.

Doctor! There's been an accident!

Rock Stewart the film star. Can you see him right away?

Of course.

- What happened? - We're shooting this big battle scone at Dieppe,

and Rock orders the boys to attack and gets a splinter in his hand.

A shell splinter?

No, no, no. No, it was...a splinter from the wooden grenade he was holding.

We got him here as soon as possible.

Sit down, please, will you?

Take it easy, Rock boy, it'll all be over as soon as you know it.

You won't have any trouble with him, doc. He got the VC in his last picture.

- Ooh! - There we are. All over.

Will it...leave a scar?

No, no. You can go straight back to work.

You mean I don't have to lie down and rest for an hour or so?

No.

But, Doctor, how can I thank you? You saved my life.

Is there anything I can do for you?

An autograph? Autographed photo?

No, but perhaps you could tell me how you manage to look so young.

Well, I'm only 35.

(Laughs) 35?

But I saw you in films when I was only ten.

35!

I said I was 35.

Or would you like a belt in the mouth?

Yeah, well, that would be very nice.

Who's going to give it to me?

Well...he will.

Er... Come on, kid, back to the Normandy beaches.

- Thanks a lot, doc. - That's all right.

He must be at least 50!

How does he do it?

A bit of everything, I expect.

Well, it's the image he creates.

That's it, Miles. It's the image.

That's what I need to create.

A new image.

A new Gaston Grimsdyke.

That and a little Dextranome 90...

...and the girl is mine.

♪ KIKl DEE: Take A Look At Me

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Take a look at this time

♪ it has got to be

♪ This time he'll be good to me

♪ No crime just to let him know

♪ This girl is in love with him so

♪ One chance and I'm gonna say

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Take a look at me

Can I help you, sir?

Er...yes.

I want to get something with-it to wear at a dance.

For your son?

What size?

Well, no, actually, it's um...

it's for me.

That's fine, sir. We get quite a lot of older customers.

That's the whole point. I want to stop looking older and start...

...getting younger.

Well, we'll do what we can about the clothes, sir,

but um...physically, I mean...

What do you mean?

Well, your hair, for a start, sir. It's a bit old world, isn't it?

Well... Is it?

Where do you suggest I get it cut, then?

I don't think you ought to lose any more, sir.

You could have it styled.

Try Robert of Tight Street.

If you can get an appointment.

- Excuse me. - Yeah, sure.

♪ Swinging '60s music

(Sighs)

Yes, well, we'll have to let this grow.

And then we can move this up and round, softening the lines of the forehead,

widen the face, bringing up all the highlights,

and giving you that schoolboy look...all over.

Can you really make me look as young as all that?

Hmm.

And we really ought to get rid of our ghastly moustache.

They're right out now, you know.

Oh, no, no. No. It makes me look younger.

By the time I've finished with you,

you'll look so young, you won't even be able to grow a moustache.

It's awfully tired.

Would you consider wearing a piece?

♪ Swinging '60s music

Hello there, babies.

- Gaston! - Yeah, yeah! What do you think, eh?

Amazing.

I think it's super.

- You should try the same treatment. - Me?!

Why not? You'd look fab in the right gear.

You're coming to the nurses' dance, aren't you?

I might need your morel support.

Don't worry, I'll do what I can to help.

Mm.

Now, er...

Oh, dear.

- You wanted to see me, sir? - Yes.

You are Dr Grimsdyke, aren't you, sir?

Well, of course I am.

Couple of things. Um...

- First, I'd like you to help me with this injection. It's anti-flu.

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

Mm, jolly good. Wonder if I could have one, sir.

Er... Yeah, well... Got a bit of a taste for it, have you?

I'm sorry. Look, it's the last one, and as I've got a bit of a cold coming on, you know...

- Never mind, what was the other thing? - Something for Sir Lancelot.

I don't know who you're taking to the dance tonight but I'm afraid you'll have to cancel it.

What?

But, sir, I've already promised!

Sorry, old chap, Sir Lancelot's orders.

He wants you to...take care of Matron.

Matron?!

That's it.

It seems that she'd like to have a nice younger man like you

to look after her.

I say, sir, Janine's going to be awfully disappointed.

Oh, I don't see why. I mean, it's not as if she's keen on you, is it?

I tell you what, I'll...I'll take care of her, if you like.

Oh. I say, it's awfully good of you, sir.

- Oh, I don't mind, really. - No, no...

Honestly, I don't mind. It'll be a pleasure, really.

- Oh, no, sir. - Now, look, I absolutely insist.

There we are. Get hold of that.

Now, poo it in the old rumpo, shall we? Now, get it in quick, don't mess about.

Whoop! Oh, I say!

Oh, my golly!

Excuse me.

Excuse me butting in, Doctor.

I know it's irregular, but I wonder if I might have a word with Symie?

Oh, well, we were just having a chat ourselves. Didn't mean to be irregular.

Hello, Tommy.

This is private. Could you come with me in the corridor?

No necessity. I was just about to go out myself. Excuse me, won't you?

I...won't...won't be long. I'm...just gonna have a...you know.

Ooh! What the devil...?

- What was in that? - Er... Only an anti-flu injection, sir.

And what leads you to suppose that I'm in need of an anti-flu injection?

Oh, not much went up...in, sir.

The quantity's immaterial. When I transferred you to Research,

I hardly expected you to use me as one of your guinea pigs.

Do I look like a guinea pig?

No, sir. You look more like a pussy cat.

Well, that is... It was an accident, sir.

You've no right to wander round with a loaded syringe in your hand.

No, sir. Won't happen again, sir.

I should think not!

(Hums cheerfully)

SIR LANCELOT: ♪ Born-tiddley-eye-do, 21 today

♪ I'm 21 today

♪ 21 today

♪ I've got the key of the door, never been 21 before

♪ Da da diddley da humpy diddley day!

♪ Hi de diddley eye

- Hello, Grimmy, ready for the hop? - Yes, of course, sir.

Don't call me sir! Call me Porker.

I think we're going to have a ball tonight.

All right...Porker.

Do you approve? Thought I'd give the nurses a treat.

I think you will, sir.

The kilt has certain considerable advantages. Especially if a chap's got sexy knees.

Are you feeling all right, sir?

Never felt better. Ready for a hard day's night.

I hope you remembered to bring your flask.

Makes the orangeade taste better and makes the nurses friendlier.

Never forgot mine when I was a student.

Nor me, sir.

Snap!

I've got some other stuff to make the party go with a swing.

Oh, what's this, sir?

It's something new they're experimenting with in Psychiatry.

It makes everybody roar with laughter and it might make the party very jolly.

Is it a sort of laughing gas?

Well...

Do you think we ought to, sir? It's a bit schoolboyish, isn't it?

Don't be such an old fuddy-duddy, Grimmy.

The nights young and so am I, even if you aren't.

What have you got there?

Mm. Mmm!

I'm going to be absolutely irresistible tonight.

(Chuckles heartily)

(Laughs nervously)

Yes, Porker.

(Continues chuckling)

♪ KIKl DEE: Take A Look At Me

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Take a look at this time...

You're looking after Matron?

Well, Dr Grimsdyke said I ought to.

♪ No crime just to let him know

♪ This girl is in love with him so

♪ One chance and I'm gonna say

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Take a look at last time

♪ I just sat and stared

♪ Last time I was kind of...

Stuff that under the desk.

If anybody asks what it is, say it's prizes.

Prizes, yeah. Shall I turn it on now?

No, no, no. Wait till the party starts flagging a bit.

♪ Next time when he looks I'll say

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Mmm

♪ Take a look at me

Come and have a little run around with me.

♪ Oh, there is a time when shyness ceases to be good

♪ And now is not time to cry

♪ Yes, I'll be understood

♪ Take a look at me...

- Miles. Miles, I've got to talk to you. - What do you want now?

It's... It's Sir Lancelot, he's had my Dextranome 90.

- What?! What did you want to give it to him for? - It was an accident, you fool!

(Laughs) You better keep your eye on him. He might try and swipe your girlfriend.

♪ My guy didn't even know

♪ Just why

♪ Baby wanted him so

♪ Till my lover heard me say

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Mmm

♪ Take a look at me

♪ Take a look at me

- Are you not dancing, Doctor? - No, I've only just arrived.

- Anyway, it's not my kind of dance. - I'll show you how.

- No, no, I can't do this. - I'd love to teach you.

- No, no, look... - It's quite simple.

- I'm a foxtrot man, really. - Well, we'll do the shake.

Come on.

Come on, lot's go and change the music.

I'll shake him, I tell you.

(Music stops)

Put on some Scottish country dancing. This party needs livening up.

- Yes, sir. - Come on, Grimmy, you can be in my set.

What? Oh.

♪ Traditional Scottish jig

Hello, Matron.

Oh! It's thirsty work watching all this dancing.

It is.

I wonder if I might have a little orangeade, Sister?

Sister!

Certainly, Matron.

Well, certainly. if she wants a drink, she can have one. A fresh one.

Good evening, Sister. Are you having a good time?

Hardly.

Ah, thank you.

Sister!

Those drinks have been doctored!

I smell trouble, Grimmy. Turn on the doings.

- What, do you mean now? - Yes.

Stop the music!

Turn that gramophone thing off

(Music continues)

Silence!

(Music stops)

Silence!

Ladies...

and I will not say "gentlemen", under the circumstances.

It has come to my attention

that alcohol has been added to the teetotal beverages provided for this function.

I am aware of the infantile pranks of medical students...

(Sisters giggle)

I beg your pardon?!

As I was saying...

(Laughter spreads through room)

...I am aware...

...of the infantile pranks...

...of medical students!

(Squeal of laughter)

This behaviour...

...is disgraceful...

...disgusting, disinfect!

And... And it is something...

...either nye...neither I...

...nor the medical authorities...

...will tolerate for one moment!

(Cries with laughter)

(Mumbles)

There's nothing like a drop of gas to make the party come alive.

Oh, dear old Porker!

How nice to hear the young enjoying themselves.

It's gone 11 , Dean.

Yes, I think we must close the jollities shortly.

♪ Lively jazz

Oh, it's awful! It's awful!

- I wouldn't eat that to save my life! - No, nor would I.

(Screams of laughter)

Look! This is outrageous!

Is it? Yes, I suppose it is. (Giggles)

They're playing our tune! Come on, Matron.

It's marvellous.

(Both giggle hysterically)

(Music stops)

marvellous! marvellous!

The sick and dying are doing their best to get a bit of kip

and there's a bacchanalian orgy going on!

What are you doing out of bed, Wendover?

There's a lot of people back there doing their best to get a bit of rest.

(Giggles)

Look, it's no laughing matter, you know.

I'm asking you... I'm asking you as a humanitar...

No, no! Ooh!

You can't! You can't!

Ooh, I shouldn't be laughing like this, I've got a weak heart.

Ooh, my heart!

(Groans)

(Knock at door)

Mm?

Oh, dear.

Morning, sir. Morning.

How are you feeling?

Grimsdyke: Hm?

I feel as if my heads been trepanned with a boat hook.

You're lucky!. I haven't even got a head.

You're over a ton. 101 , to be precise.

Rubbish. Must be broken. I've never known a normal hangover produce that.

You've probably got the flu.

There's a lot of it about, you know.

I never get flu.

Besides, you gave me an injection against it, didn't you?

What?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'd forgotten about that. Perhaps it was all those draughts blowing up your kilt.

Don't be impertinent.

How did I get home?

I brought you.

By car?

No. By operating trolley.

Ooh.

Did I dream it or did I dance the black bottom with Matron last night?

You certainly didn't dream it.

You finished up giving her a dirty great tickly wet kiss.

Ooh, it was nasty, it was.

I see.

And I didn't dream that she thanked me for my note and a bouquet of flowers?

She couldn't have. You didn't send her a note or any flowers.

But she quoted at me...

"Ever since you walked into the hospital, my life has changed.

I'm dancing on daffodils."

No, sir, no. That was Lambert Symington.

Ooh, I shall never laugh again, you know, as long as I live.

Didn't she guess?

No. Did you write his name clearly?

No, I just put the initials on. More intriguing, don't you think, sir?

I do not. They also happen to be my initials.

Oh. I never thought of that.

What are you going to do, sir?

Well, unless you come up with a better suggestion, I propose shooting myself.

Oh, I wouldn't do that, sir.

No. It's terribly dangerous.

I'll think of something.

At least I'll try.

(Phone rings)

I do wish they'd get quieter bells, I really do.

Might be her now, sir.

Who?

Oh, it's er... Hold on a moment. Dr Grimsdyke, sir.

Not me. My cousin.

Excuse me.

- I feel really terrible. - Yes?

It's about Wendover, Sir Lancelot.

Yes, all right. Better be on the safe side. Operate immediately.

Yes, you!

(Groans)

Because I happen to be in bed with influenza and a high temperature, that's why.

The television people will have to point their cameras at you!

(Phone goes dead)

Obits media. This term means inflammation of the middle ear.

Hey, did you know your ear hole was concocted to your throat?

It's got it in here, look. There's a funny little...

We've just had another look at those new X-rays of yours.

- Oh, yeah? Any good, are they? - We've located the trouble.

It's about time, innit? I suppose it's bad news, is it?

You needn't be frightened to give it to me. I can take it. I'm not a coward.

- I didn't get my modals for nothing. - It means an operation.

- Where are you going? - There's nothing wrong with me.

There's a great deal wrong. If we don't operate immediately,

it could develop into something nasty.

That's what I thought when I first saw that fella.

I said, "He won't be here long," I said.

"His number's in the frame. He'll be going soon."

Look, I wish you'd shut up.

This operation, is it going to hurt?

No, it's nothing to worry about, if you give us permission to operate.

- Right. - Good man.

I'll see you later.

I'll have a pencil and paper, Nurse, if you don't mind.

I think I'll make my will out.

And I'm not going to leave you anything.

You've nothing to leave.

Oh, no?

Being of sound mind and limb,

I hereby bequeath my brain to the hospital...

...for medical research.

Yeah. And they'll put it in a bottle.

Doctor, you must stop them, they're ruining my theatre.

- Who's in charge? - That man.

Excuse me, I'm Dr Grimsdyke.

You can't have all this...all this stuff in here.

Hm? Don't worry, we shan't get in the way.

Grimsdyke? Oh, yes, the understudy.

Hm, never mind. Look, I'll tell you what I want you to do.

- You've got to get all this equipment out of here. - Yes.

In television we like to be unobtrusive, so we'll have Camera 1 above the table

so that we can zoom into the bowels, as it were,

while Camera 2 dollies up and down catching all the vital movements

of the hands, of the knives, of the oxygen machine - breathing in, out, in, out.

And I shall want lots of close-ups of your eyes. Ali-important the eyes, you know.

I want you to express everything with your eyes.

"Am I cutting in the right place? Am I using the right scalpel?

Will the patient live? Will he die?"

But of course he mustn't die, because this is a live program me.

Is all this equipment disinfected?

This is the 22nd program me in the present series.

Have a word with Make-up, will you, there's a dear fellow?

We might have to touch up the eyebrows and build up the nose a bit.

Come along, Sarah.

Pity.

As the patient is wheeled into the theatre, one can sense,

even though it is an everyday occurrence, a certain tenseness growing,

as if it were the start of a race or a first night.

But outwardly, the surgeon, the doctors and nurses appear,

as they undoubtedly are, calm and efficient,

so that this tension is not communicated to the patient, who ideally remains as calm as they.

- Where the devil have you been? - Never mind that.

- What's all those cameras doing in here? - Don't worry.

- Your operation's appearing on television. - Oh, is it?

Oh, great.

- Right, who do I see about my fees, then? - Your fees?!

I know what they get. Plus repeats. I know my...

Camera 2...

hold on...hold on the pretty nurse.

But as is happening now,

sometimes the sight of the TV cameras...

helps the patient even more by taking his mind off the coming ordeal.

What's all this about an ordeal? You told me it wouldn't hurt.

- Will you get on that table at once? - Not on your Nelly.

With all this going on? I don't have to get on here if I don't want to.

You can't make me. There's not a living soul that can make me get on that table.

If I don't want to.

- What's all this for, then? - Just going to put you to sleep.

You won't feel a thing.

You better give me a full dose.

Give me slightly more than the full dose. I'm a bit resilient to all this.

You had to be during the war, with all that shrapnel coming at you.

What camera are we on? Anybody know what camera we're on? What camera are we on?

Anybody know what...

(Thud)

Now the surgeon will make his first cut.

No hesitation, no indecision, just a clean, deep cut

exactly in the right place.

Steady on, Godfrey, you're making me feel quite sick.

Sister, scalpel.

Good.

Scalpel.

Forceps.

SIR LANCELOT: No. 3 scalpel. Good.

Good. Deeper, man, deeper!

(Knock on door) - Come.

Good evening, Lancelot.

Let me do that.

There.

I know exactly how you feel about me, Lancelot.

It was courageous and noble of you to make it so clear in your letters and notes.

But I don't think you really understand, Matron.

Oh, yes, I do. And I'm deeply grateful.

But I'm afraid it won't work.

It won't work?

No.

I am married already.

I have been married for the last 20 years to my work as a nurse.

I couldn't give that up, Lancelot.

Not even for you.

And I would be the last to wish you so to do.

Well, it would be hardly fair to you to have me always around,

so near but untouchable.

It would be absolutely intolerable.

I think you'd better leave at once.

I know of a post at the Royal Northern infirmary in Inverness.

I shall recommend you for it, should you so wish.

Lancelot. Another sacrifice on your part.

You're almost making me change my mind.

Oh, no, don't. No, don't, don't.

You have your vocation, stick to it. And I'll stick to mine.

You're getting too excited. I'll tuck you in and then off to sleep.

And who knows, sweet dreams of what might have been.

Bless you.

Good night, Lancelot.

- Good morning, Janine. - Good morning.

You're looking particularly lovely this morning, if I may say so.

You may. And I have a good reason to be.

Engaged?! Who to?

Lambert Symington, of course.

You can't be serious. Do you realise what you're missing?

I happen to know there are others interested in you.

- Who? - One of the doctors here.

Brilliant chap. Brilliant.

In line for one of the best jobs in the hospital.

He's um... He's handsome,

intellectual,

charming,

mature.

And he happens to be madly in love with you.

Tell him I'm not interested.

Tell him I'm in love with Symie.

And tell him I'm very sorry.

I see.

He'll get over it much quicker than you think.

- Dr Grimsdyke? - Yes, sir?

It's about this job of mine.

Yes, sir. I've decided to stop aside and let my cousin have it.

That's what I wanted to say. He's got it.

So the best man won.

Don't take it too hard.

Its not only that your qualifications weren't quite up to the mark,

but, well, with a responsible job like this, you look much too young.

Oh, good morning, Sir Lancelot. They tell me it was touch and go.

Hardly that, Wendover, but the surgeon made a first-class job of it.

And, incidentally, he asked me to give you this as a sort of memento of the occasion.

I hope it brings you luck.

Very exciting it was on the telly.

Very exciting. We all thought you were going to kick the bucket.

Well, you had another think coming, then.

Jerry couldn't do it, so I'm sure they couldn't.

Look at that piece of shrapnel.

The man on TV said it was a loose filling from your tooth.

Oh, did he? Well, he didn't know what he was talking about. A fat lot he knew.

I know what that is. That's a bit of 20mm howitzer, that is.

I should know, I was a rear gunner.

Yeah, he ought to know, he was a gunner.

You'll be a goner an' all if you don't pack up.

You know what I'm going to do with that?

I think I'll have that mounted on a bit of polished mahogany, that.

That can stand up on my mantelpiece

next to the propeller of that American plane that I shot down.

That can be a permanent monument to a brave British soldier

what nearly lost his life... defending the likes of you,

with your miserable water on the knees,

and you, with your chalky white balls in your ear holes.

Good morning, Matron. Settling in comfortably?

- Yes, thank you, Sir Lancelot. - Delighted to hear it.

Matron. Excuse me, those are for you.

For me?

Oh, put them in my of foe, will you?

"My pulse rate is over 100 since you arrived. GG."

Gaston Grimsdyke, at your service.

What has happened to Tweetypie?

I gave instructions for it to be removed, Sir Lancelot. Most unhygienic.

Doubtless you were unaware, my dear Matron,

that I have previously given instructions that ho should stay.

I'm sure I don't have to remind you, Sir Lancelot,

that I am responsible for the wards of this hospital.

Very good, Matron.

- I have another job for you to do. - I've already started, sir.

Good day, Matron.

Matron, how would you suggest we get my pulse rate down?

Shall we talk about it?

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