Original subtitles

Washington, D.C.,

make some noise for Zainab Johnson.

Hello, D.C.

I… I'm glad to be here.

Yeah!

Ooh, that was a beautiful welcome!

I know… I know it's crazy in the world.

I know. It's crazy in the world.

Something happening every day. You know? I didn't even know.

When I was coming to D.C., I was like, "I hope Trump ain't here."

You know, they be shooting where he at. I was, like…

It's crazy. It's crazy. But you know what? I'm optimistic.

I'm optimistic. Yeah, I've always been this way.

Like, I see the glass as half full all the time. All the time.

I'm like, "The glass is half full. It's gonna be okay."

And if I encounter anybody that's like,

"You know what, Zainab, there ain't even shit in the glass…"

…I'll be like, "I guess I'm not thirsty, then."

I'm like… I just…

I believe that the world is conspiring for my greatest good.

-Whoo! -Yeah.

Yeah. Anything you give me.

Anything you give me. You're like, "Oh, I lost my job."

I'm like, "That's okay. That opens you up for another opportunity." Right?

If you like, "Well, girl, I lost my toe."

I'm like, "That's okay. You got four more. They're gon' get stronger."

"Post a video. Put it up. Find your tribe."

I'm always gonna find the positive.

I'm always looking for the best possible, you know…

just the best possible scenario, you know.

But I know where it comes from. So when I was 17, I got hit by a truck.

Plot twist! Dun, dun!

I got hit by a truck, a drunk driver.

Yeah, I got hit by a drunk driver.

And I woke up in the hospital, and my legs were broken.

Yeah, from the waist down. I didn't know if I was gonna be able to walk.

I was beat up so bad. I used to play basketball.

My coach came in. I must have looked beat up on one side.

He was like… "That's not Zainab."

"That's not Zainab."

And in my attempt to let him know, like, "It is me," I turned over,

and when he saw this side, it must have looked okay.

He was like, "Oh shit. It's the Phantom of the Opera."

But it was a scary time for me.

I didn't know if I would be able to walk again.

I have like… I have a metal rod in this leg.

I have, like, severe scarring and skin grafting all over my legs, right?

And I'm like, "Oh, my life is over." Because I'm 17 years old, you know?

But then, my friend, who was also hit with me,

her leg was amputated.

Goddamn!

Perspe…

Somebody said, "Goddamn!"

Things can always be worse.

But it was a perspective shift for me. You know?

It made me understand, at 17 years old,

as bad as I think something is,

there's always something worse.

So I'm able to always exist in gratitude.

All I gotta do is think about something worse.

It's toxic.

But it works.

The other day, I was drinking a matcha. I was like, "This tastes like grass."

Then I'm drinking my iced grass, uh…

…and I'm scrolling through TikTok,

and I see this man in Lebanon walk into a café.

-A bomb drops. -Oh.

I said, "Damn. This matcha good as shit."

Perspective. You know?

Even when I think about, like, our current administration, right,

like I… I don't like him.

I don't like the guy, but there's an upside.

He ain't in my house.

You gotta focus on the good thing, 'cause I hear he shits on himself, so…

I'm telling you. You watch them conferences.

You… You'll know 'cause the people around him go…

Now, here's the thing.

Here's the thing about being positive,

being optimistic all the time.

The people I attract are realist.

Yeah, while I'm in the world, like, "Things are gonna be great,"

my friends are like, "Things ain't shit, and this what we gotta do."

I remember, I tried to do something good for the environment.

I went and got myself an electric car.

Yeah, I was like, "The earth is gonna live if it's up to me."

Got me an electric car. Then things started going bad politically.

And my friend called me, "Zainab, get rid of your electric vehicle now!"

I was like, "Why? What happened?"

She was like, "We gonna have to get the fuck up outta here."

"And when it's time to go, you don't wanna have to wait to charge up."

And when I thought about it, I'm like, "Yeah, you trying to run,

you like, 'I need 25 minutes.'"

You gotta hope the person chasing you got an electric vehicle too.

I always thought when Black people say, "Get the fuck up outta here,"

I thought we was going to Africa.

I didn't know we could caravan to Detroit, right?

I… I used to have a Tesla.

I had a Tesla. Here's the thing. I'll admit it.

I remember when it was a moral superiority to have a Tesla.

It was a good thing. I would pull up quietly.

Like, "Climate change? Not on my watch."

Felt great then. Then… then it went bad.

Yeah, it went bad in the middle of our leases.

That's what nobody likes to acknowledge, you know?

Like, yeah, I'm down to protest,

but, like, my credit score says I got four more payments.

And I have… I have strong Black women friends.

My friends are strong Black women.

Yeah, yeah, you know.

Oh yeah.

Some shit ain't right, we gon' march for you,

we gon' protest, we gon' boycott.

We gon' stand for a change. Right?

So I had this Tesla…

…that I wasn't supposed to have no more.

And every time I would pull up, my friends would be like, "Mmm…"

Every… Look, every friend group got the leader of the friend group.

Every friend group got the alpha. Right?

Oh, she would love… "Mmm…"

You wanna know what's so crazy? She ain't even the alpha.

I'm the alpha.

But she do all the administrative shit.

She planning birthdays, making sure we show up on time.

So I gotta let her believe she's in charge,

and she used it to her advantage.

Every time I pull up.

"Mmm…"

"Mm-mm!" One day, it got real bad.

She said, "Mm-mm-mmm!"

I'm like, "Girl, you sound like a Porsche."

"Mmm…"

"So, Zainab, let me get this right."

"You don't care if we go back to slavery. Cool, cool, cool."

That's dramatic.

And of course I care. I'm fit. They gon' put me to work.

You the one with high cholesterol. You know?

You know what I'm saying? I'm the Lupita of slavery.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm a gun owner.

Ooh.

I'm a gun owner because of my friends. I actually… I don't believe in guns.

I don't think anybody should have guns. I'm "no" on guns.

I don't think law enforcement should have guns.

I don't think civilians should have guns.

I'm the person in an argument that's gon' be like, "Guns kill people."

My friends are like, "No, Zainab, guns don't kill people."

"People kill people." "Yeah, people with guns kill people."

I ain't never seen no gun levitate and point itself, right?

I, um… I bought a new house. That's how I got the gun.

They wasn't just like, "You should get a gun today."

I bought a house. Thank you.

Yeah, it's… it's…

It's an accomplishment, right?

It's something to be happy about, so I thought.

But my friends, they got me back into reality quick.

They said, "Oh, girl, that's great. Congratulations."

"Also, you know they killing women in houses."

I said, "That's the only criteria? You just…"

"You just gotta be a woman in a house?"

"Why are they selling us houses?"

I was mad that the guy at the bank didn't tell me, right?

What if my friends didn't know?

I signed so much paperwork, he had time to be like, "Congratulations."

"Also, you 'bout to die."

Now, before I jump off the ledge, you know, I'ma do a little research.

I'ma do a little research before I jump off the ledge.

So I go to Google, right? I go to Google.

You gotta be careful when you go to Google 'cause Google will confirm your worst…

…your worst fears. I opened up my laptop. I went to Google.

I was like, "Are they killing…" Google was like, "Women in houses?"

Closed my laptop, threw it across the room.

My friend said, he said, "You know what, Zainab?"

"If somebody break into your house, you might not have to shoot them."

"Just let off three shots in the sky. Bah! Bah! Bah!"

I said, "Well, there's no way I'm shooting in my roof, so…"

Now that I know how much a new roof costs…

…there's no way.

Also, that's so aggressive, right?

"Bah! Bah! Bah!" No!

If I'ma get a gun, my gun is gonna go "pew, pew," right?

Yeah, my gun is cute. "Pew." Right?

My gun is French. "Pew."

"Pepé Le Pew." Right?

She's plant-based. She does Pilates.

"Pew, pew, pew."

My gun is a vibe.

"Pew."

You die by my gun, it's gonna be a cute death.

You're gonna be like, "Uh! Mm!"

"I'm dead."

I got a Glock.

I got a Glock. "Bah! Bah! Bah!"

Yeah, I got a Glock. Um… I'll… I'll admit this to you guys.

I… I thought Glock was a slang word.

Just me?

I thought… I thought Black people call guns "Glocks."

I… I don't… I don't know…

I'd never heard anybody else say "Glock." I thought it was like our superpower.

You know, we've had to speak in coded language over the years.

We say things cool.

I thought any gun was a Glock if you put it in my hands.

I thought a Glock just meant you take a gun, you turn it 45 degrees.

I thought it was like a personality. You know? Like, this is a gun.

This is a motherfucking Glock.

I thought it could not be a Glock unless you lean, you know?

It's not a Glock.

The guy at the store had to tell me it wasn't a Glock.

First of all, buying a gun is… is crazy.

It's… It's just…

You should not be able to buy a gun like you buy a purse, you know?

But I went in, I went in to get it, and bad customer service at first.

That threw me. I'm like, "This… That's counterintuitive, right?"

Why would you be rude?

You about to give me the very thing I need to change your attitude.

There was another salesperson. He was super enthusiastic.

"You gon' get the Glock?"

I was like, "Why? 'Cause I'm Black?"

I was ready. I was ready.

I was ready to get on a soapbox in the name of equality.

You know? "Do I not bleed the same blo…"

I was ready.

Before I could be dramatic, he stopped me. He was like, "Oh, no, no, no. No, sorry."

"Glock is the brand of gun."

And I said, "Oh, like Nike? Okay."

I'll take the Nike of guns, right?

Now when I shoot, I'm like, "Just do it."

No, I'm kidding.

And I run off in my Air Max's.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I don't know. I don't… I don't…

I'll be honest with you guys. I do have the gun. Um…

But it feels… it feels like a stranger in my house.

I don't feel more safe.

Actually, sometimes, I hold it and I look in the mirror.

It's like me against me.

Doesn't feel good, you know?

And then, me always looking, you know, for the good in it,

I'm like, "Well, how can I be the change I wanna see?"

"Maybe… maybe… maybe I could go to one of the meetings."

Right?

"Maybe I could go to one of the meetings

with the gun and maybe… maybe change people's minds."

'Cause, you know, here's the thing.

We… We… We've gotten to the point where people don't like to hear anything

from anybody that they already know is in opposition to them.

You ever try to tell somebody about their kids and you ain't got kids?

They shut down whatever you just said.

I'm like, "Oh no. Is the baby sleepy?" "Do you have kids?!"

"No, but I got eyes."

"That baby seems sleepy."

So maybe… maybe they'll be more apt to listen to me

if I show up with my "pew."

"Guys…"

"…let's put 'em down…"

"…on three."

There's only one upside to it, in my opinion.

One upside, to me, being a gun owner,

especially right now

with, like, all of the rolling back and the attacks on DEI,

that's the one good thing about it, I feel very powerful.

I'm like, "Yeah, I'm a Black Muslim woman with a gun."

That ain't the DEI they wanted.

I, um… I don't want anybody to break into my house.

That's scary. Right? Nobody want a stranger in their house.

Sometimes I don't like people I know…

…in my house.

Right? So I definitely don't want somebody that I don't know.

But I feel like if you gotta…

If you wanna come in my house to take stuff…

Like you just wanna… you wanna just… you wanna take stuff, you know?

…I don't think you should be shot. I definitely don't think you should die.

-Yeah, that's why I have insurance. -Right.

Yeah. They make me pay for it every month. You know?

I don't see him as the robber.

I see him as the guy that's gonna help me see what this claim do.

How will I know if I'm getting what I pay for…

…if he don't come in and take the shit?

Now, if you come in my house and your dick is out, I gotta shoot you.

I gotta shoot you.

'Cause I don't know why your dick is out.

I have to shoot you. I gotta take dick, balls, thigh, stomach.

I gotta take everything. The big gun. "Bah! Bah! Bah!"

I gotta take it.

You gon' be left with chin and shin by the time I'm done with you.

'Cause the only thing scarier than a gun is an unsolicited dick.

It'll mess up the night, right?

I ain't talking about the ones that we invited,

the ones that RSVP'd.

I'm talking about the ones that just show up.

Ain't nobody ask them to be there.

And I see the men getting tight.

I see you getting uncomfortable, sir.

Not you?

Are you gay?

I said, "I see you getting uncomfortable." He said, "Absolutely not."

"If a dick walked out right now, I'd be A-OK."

All the men, besides him…

Nah, I'm just kidding.

Men, you guys tighten up, though, 'cause you have dicks.

So you take it personal.

You're like, "Oh, women always think we wanna attack them."

"Talk about they feel unsafe around us." No, no, no. This ain't a gender thing.

An unsolicited dick is scary for y'all too.

Imagine you just on your way to the show with your boy.

Y'all vibing to the music. "Zainab 'bout to be funny."

And then he pull his dick out.

You know what's crazy?

You know what's crazy?

Titties have the opposite effect.

An unsolicited titty, that's a party, right?

It don't matter where you are.

You could be in line at the bank in the middle of the afternoon,

if a titty come out, you're like, "I need more money."

Right?

Worst-case…

Worst-case scenario, you break in my house and I have to shoot you, I have to,

I don't want to, but I have to,

"pew, pew," I'm taking your knees.

Yeah, death is final, you guys.

Some things are a teaching moment.

He comes in my house, breaks in, I "pew, pew" him. Now…

He down there, hurt. I empathize. I got hit by a truck. I know. It hurts.

There's life after. Watch.

I'll talk to him.

Yeah. "Let's… Let's… Let's stop this. Let's repurpose this energy."

"Get you into a college."

"And now you disabled."

"So we gon' get you a scholarship."

Changing lives,

one home invasion at a time.

It's my theory…

It is my theory that the reason we love guns so much, um,

is that we can't fight.

If the first thing you think to do

when you get into a dispute with your neighbor,

you have a road rage incident, or you're at a bar,

the first thing you think to do is get a weapon, get a firearm,

you ain't got hands.

-Hello! -No, you ain't got hands.

Yeah!

Anybody ever take fight training before? Any sort of fight training.

Martial art… Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boxing, martial arts, you know, when you take a little bit,

first class, you be feeling like you could fight anybody, right?

It don't even gotta be in a real fight. It could be, like…

Period.

You be waiting for somebody to bump you.

I took boxing.

I love boxing. Boxing, tried and true.

Yeah. Boxing is a classic… classic workout.

Trains your body, trains your mind. I love boxing.

Love. Really, really love it. I start training, right?

Every time I go in, a couple of times a week,

the trainer starts the sessions the same way.

Jump rope, three minutes.

Okay.

For three minutes.

Then we go on to the training, right? Either ropes, weight training.

You know, I get in, I'm hitting the mitts, like, the bags, whatever, right?

After maybe about six months of training, he comes in, he throws the rope at me.

He says, "Zainab, I just want you to jump."

"I want you to jump until you mess up. We gon' see how long you can jump."

I start jumping.

I'm not thinking about anything. I'm listening to music.

After a while, he comes in, he looks at the clock.

He said, "You've been jumping for 60 minutes."

He said, "How you feel?" I said, "I would knock Muhammad Ali's ass out."

Not Laila Ali.

Muhammad Ali.

He said, "Okay, you know what, Zainab? I mean, you do really good sparring."

"I wanna set up an amateur fight for you."

I said… "Oh no."

"No, no, no, I'm just doing this to look nice in my clothes, you know?"

He said, "No, I think you could do it. This is good mental exercise."

"This has nothing to do with your career, your love life, your family. Let's do it."

I'm like, "Well, if he believe in me, I must be able to do it."

He sets up this amateur fight, right?

When the day comes, I have to fight this girl.

Three rounds, three minutes each.

Three rounds, three minutes each, right?

So now we show up the day of the fight, right? We ready.

Now, the thing that threw me is, the girl had just got her hair done.

Yeah, silk press, bob, fresh.

I had cornrows. Claressa Shields, right?

I'm thinking she trying to do a Jedi mind trick,

like, "She think she ain't gonna be sweating."

"She think this gon' be light work," right?

But I turned it around in my mind.

I said, "Girl, I'm about to knock the texture back."

I'm excited. The bell rings. We go into the ring.

She hits me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boxing ain't about if you could throw a punch.

Boxing is also about if you could take a punch.

Yeah, she hit me.

Now, I don't know if they do this in professional fights,

but when she hit me, I looked for the clock.

I just needed to know, like, how much longer…

…does she get to do this?

When I finally find the clock,

it says I have two minutes

and 54 seconds.

I said, "Oh no. I gotta shoot this lady."

"She better get outta here before I get these gloves off."

You know there's more… We have… We have more guns than people.

Did you guys know that?

Yeah, yeah. For every one person, there's three guns.

-Wow. -I know.

It's easier to get guns than it is to get health care, housing,

a husband.

I don't even like that. That's who I wanna be.

I wanna be the woman,

if I wake up in the middle of the night, or at some point,

in my house, 'cause I hear a noise,

I wanna be this type of woman.

"Babe."

"Babe."

"I heard something."

He's like, "Huh? What? Huh?" "I heard something."

And my husband goes to check…

…and I, you know, crawl up in the bed, I cover half my face with the sheet…

…and wonder,

"Will my husband ever return?"

I… I… I'm…

I'm single. I'm not married. Um…

Thank you.

Uh, okay. Uh…

Y'all like, "We optimistic too, girl."

I, uh… But I… I… I'm… You know, I'm optimistic.

Like, I… I… I think it will happen.

I believe it will happen. Um…

I like being out in the world, though, just in terms of dating.

I like being out in the wild. You know what I'm saying?

I like the spontaneous encounters. You know? I want it to be a surprise.

I wanna be so deep in my errand. You know what I'm saying?

Like, "I just need to find an avocado," you know?

Yeah, I just wanna be like…

Feel it, you know?

And then here he go.

"You found a good avocado?"

I'm probably gonna mess it up the first time, you know?

I'm gonna be like, "What? Oh, I don't work here."

I love… I love a chance encounter.

Like, I'm just walking down the street, and he's walking down the street.

He's on his way to work.

He's rushing. He's moving fast. He don't wanna be late, right?

But then he sees me.

And he gotta decide, does he lose his job?

I love… I love that type of stuff.

I like a good story. I really like a good story.

Ask… Ask my… Ask my mom how her and my dad met.

My mom just turned 70 years old.

Yeah. Yeah.

I like… I really like talking to my mom now that she's older,

'cause she's more forthcoming with information.

You know? I don't know.

There was a certain period of time where I think parents have this thing

where they feel, like, holier than thou, you know, they be acting like,

"Well, I don't know how y'all came, 'cause I didn't have sex."

It's like, "It was 13 of us, so you was fucking."

Now… now that she's older, though, now she just volunteers information.

Some stuff I never wanted to know.

The other day, she called me, like, "Zainab, did I ever tell you about

when I almost got trafficked in New Jersey?"

I said, "Why were you in New Jersey?"

I asked her how her and my father met.

I said, "Umi, how did you and Abu meet?"

She said, "Oh, Zainab…"

It was beautiful to see the nostalgia take over her face as she told this story.

She said, "Oh, Zainab. I was 19."

"Your father was 26." I said, "Oh."

I said, "Change that in the story."

I said, "People was liking that back in the day,

but they don't like that now."

She said, "Zainab, I don't care about you new-aged people."

She said, "I was in college."

"I used to stay at a dorm on 72nd and Broadway,

and I would have to pass your father."

And I'm already on edge, 'cause he's 26. I'm like, "Well, where… where was he?"

She said, "Oh, Zainab, your father, he worked at a newsstand."

I said, "Change that in the story too."

I said, "You was messing with the newsstand man?"

I said, "Show me a picture. Let me see if he was newsstand fine."

She said, "Well, Zainab, your father was tall, handsome,

but that's not the thing that got me."

"The thing that got me is, every time I would pass him,

he would just yell out a fact."

I said, "What?"

She said, "Zainab, your father, he was so smart."

"He just yelled out facts. Every day, a different thing about the world."

"He just knew so much. Every single day, a different fact about the world."

I said, "Umi,

he worked at a newsstand."

"Could he have been yelling out the headlines?"

I was so disappointed in my mom. I was like "You was one of those?"

She said, "Well, you know what, Zainab? Say what you want."

"But me and your father got married three months later…"

"…and we had 13 beautiful children."

Yeah.

Sometimes… sometimes,

when I wonder if I'll be married, the thought comes into my mind,

"Well, Zainab, just remember, if you don't get married,

maybe it's because you have to take care of your sister."

My oldest sister is special needs. She's special needs.

She's intellectually delayed, which means she stopped developing intellectually

at about five years old, four or five years old,

but she's in the body of like a 45-year-old woman.

You know what I'm saying? And she know she grown.

Yeah, she know she grown, and she wants you to know she grown.

Yeah. She has a job. My sister has a job. You know, like a "job."

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She goes to the library, Monday through Saturday.

Rain, sleet, or snow, my sister's gonna be at the library.

And she gon' help you get the book.

Yeah, she's gon' help you get the book. And just let her help you get the book.

Even if you don't want her to help you, just let her help you.

'Cause if you don't let her help you, then we're gon' come to the library.

And we got guns.

My, uh… My sister, she always carries these two, like, large shopping bags.

They're filled with, like, VHS tapes.

And… Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't have the heart to tell her, "Don't nobody got a VCR."

But that's her genius.

I think she knows nobody's gonna miss the VHS tapes, you know?

And it's heavy, so it feels like she's had, like, a long day,

and when she comes in,

she's very dramatic, she's very performative.

It's almost like she's cosplaying adulthood, you know?

She'll come in the house and drop the bag.

And if we don't stop and acknowledge that she's had a hard day,

she gon' pick them bags back up…

…she gon' go back outside…

Whoo!

…and she gon' do it all again.

And she gon' be extra dramatic with it, jingling the keys…

…shaking the doorknob…

…breathing heavy.

Then she gon' drop the…

We'll be like, "Oh, hard day at work?" And she'll be like, "Whoo! People. Shit."

My… My oldest sister, she loves talking in, like, sassy ad-libs.

Like, it don't matter what you say, she'll be like, "Shit. Shut up. Whatever."

Like…

It don't matter what we say. I could be like, "It's cold outside."

She be like, "Stupid. Blah."

Okay.

Sometimes she'll start the conversation.

We sitting in my mom's house, quiet, she'll come in, like, "Ooh, trouble!"

We'll be like, "What happened?" She'll be like, "You do it."

She like, "Y'all do the conversation, right?"

"I do the one-liners."

Now, if you've ever been around anybody with special needs,

you know that they're a savant in some way.

Yeah, they… they… they have superpowers.

You know, my sister's superpower is, if you take her somewhere once,

she can always get back there.

Yeah, yeah.

We like, "Good thing you ain't dating. You'd be a stalker."

Now, the most fascinating thing about my oldest sister,

uh, is that she has been proposed to

three times.

Yes!

I've been proposed to no times.

The first two times, they were also special needs.

-Yeah, they-- -Oh. Well, whatever.

Sir, is there a microphone on your tongue?

I like how he changed his mind. "Well… Well, that's okay."

They show up, proper proposals, though. Really, really sweet.

They come with some version of a ring, flowers. You know, they…

My sister, she be overacting, though.

They ain't even come in the door, and she be…

I'm like… "Let 'em ring the doorbell first."

Those first two guys, my parents said no.

Yeah. I know.

We watch Love on the Spectrum, right?

We be like, "Why… Let them be in love!"

But I know… I know the severity of my sister's disability, you know?

And I know that Love on the Spectrum, great show, I love that show,

those are really high-functioning individuals, you know?

I love the show. Watch it.

Ladies, especially, if you got low self-esteem,

that's the show you need to watch.

Don't watch none of them dating shows where everybody in a bikini.

Watch Love on the Spectrum.

It's great.

When you see a little autistic girl tell an autistic boy,

"I can't date him. He works at a supermarket."

And everybody is like, "Yeah."

If I said that, they would be like, "You a gold digger."

Ah. But it's regular when she say it.

Even the autistic boy, he just walk away like, "Mm."

Like, "Where you going?" "To the supermarket."

Also… Also, I really do like the spe… I like stuff on the spectrum.

Especially for dating. Oh my God. I love stuff… Like Asperger's.

Yeah, put that on your profile. He can't lie if he wanted to?

That's my man.

My friends would be like, "Where's your man?"

I would be like, "Where he said he is."

"Yeah, I don't know where your man is, but…"

"…I heart Asperger's."

The third guy was regular.

-Oh my God. -"Regular."

As far as the eye could see.

I'm sure… I'm sure that's not the proper way to say it.

Uh… What's the proper word?

-Neurotypical. -Neurotypical.

Okay, that ain't gonna work for the joke, so…

But I acknowledge that it's "neurotypical."

But I'ma go back to "regular."

There was a specialist in the room just for that. "Neurotypical."

There'll be people like,

"I thought it was funny until she said 'regular.'"

"If I wrote the joke, I would have said 'neurotypical.'"

"But I'm no comedian."

He was regular.

That surprised us.

That surprised us. We were shocked. We… We didn't know what to think.

Me and my other single sister was like, "Did he not see us?"

Oh.

I mean, we look just like her, but we regular.

We ain't say it out loud, but…

…we was thinking it. I looked at her, like, "We gotta go to the library."

We actually didn't like him at all. We looked at him as a predator.

Yeah, we were like, "What? This is a five-year-old in the mind."

"What could you possibly want with her?"

My mom sternly looked at him. "Don't you ever come to my house."

"I better not hear you talking to my daughter."

My brothers grabbed him up, threw him out the house.

For the first time, my sister had the perfectly timed ad-lib.

She said, "Shit. Told you."

I was just… "You let him follow you home?"

In order to find a husband, you gotta date, right? You gotta date.

You gotta put yourself out there, right?

-Are we dating? -Yes.

Oh. A few of us. A few of us.

I… I love the people that be like, "I want this. I want this. I want this."

The person like, "Where you hanging out?" "I just be in my house."

"Oh. Go outside? Oh, no, no, no. There's people out there." I'm like…

I, um… I actually got on an app once.

I don't really like the apps.

Like I said, I like the story, but I got on an app once.

This guy, he's… he's nice. Nice guy. He sent me a message.

He… Not the typical message. He was like, "Hey, Zainab."

"I met you at an event before. I was attracted to you."

"But I have social anxiety. I was too afraid to talk to you."

"I saw you on this app. I didn't wanna let the opportunity pass me by."

I really liked that message.

Yeah, it's not the typical. It's not like, "Hey, ma!"

You know what I'm saying?

But I liked the… the vulnerability, the transparency.

I feel like that's a good place to start.

I'm not one of those people that thinks, like, "men lie," you know?

Like, I think people lie, you know?

I think men

lie for no reason.

You know, a man will be bored and be like, "What should I do?"

"I'ma lie."

Right here, in Washington, D.C., I was walking down the street.

This guy's walking down the street.

I'm thinking it's gonna be my chance encounter, right?

Right as he's about to pass me, he stops. He says, "You got beautiful eyes."

I said, "Thank you."

I got two steps past him, realized I had on black sunglasses.

So I liked… I liked that this guy was able to be vulnerable, transparent, you know?

I decided to go on a date with him. And I meet him. He's a nice guy.

I don't really like him, but he's a nice guy.

And I feel like you gotta keep the nice ones nice.

-Yeah. -Yeah, you gotta keep the nice ones nice.

I don't know his lady, but until he gets to her,

I'm gonna make sure he stays whole.

Yeah, in my mind, I'm just serving my country.

It's the closest you gon' get to shipping me out.

Now, I notice, although the date's going good,

I notice, right, that this guy's hands are shaking.

His hands are shaking, right?

And in my mind, I'm thinking about the anxiety, right?

I'm like, "Maybe he nervous," but then I had my friends,

I had my realest friends in my head.

"Nah, he be… he be murdering people."

"His hands shaking 'cause he used to choking necks."

I keep a straight face, but I make a note in my phone.

"8:52, his hands are shaking."

Just in case. Just in case. I fully expect to make it home.

You know me. I'm optimistic, right?

But just in case I don't make it home, at least the cops will find my phone.

Be like, she said it, "8:52, his hands are shaking." You know?

Also, I will admit this. Y'all know I'm a Black woman in America.

I got to solve my own murder before I go, so…

If I don't make it home, just find my phone.

I will narrate the entire thing.

"8:53, stab."

"8:54, stab, stab."

You'll know my time of death

'cause I ain't finished writing out the words.

Anyway, the date ends. The date ends.

I feel like I did a good job of, like, making this nice guy feel optimistic

as he journeys on without me.

And so, he walks me to my… you know, he walks me to my car,

and he tried to get the kiss.

He tried to get the kiss. Y'all, I went back. You know?

When you try to get the kiss, I just… I be looking like Stevie Wonder.

I be like…

"I notice it is a ribbon in the sky."

He starts talking to me. He's like, "I really enjoyed myself."

"I… I… I like you. I'd like to continue to see you."

"I feel like you like me too."

And I was like, "Ah!"

This is a good time in the story to tell you guys,

this was a white guy.

Oh!

It's not really important to the story. It's not important to the story.

It's only important to the story 'cause of his reaction.

You know… Here's…

When I was like, "Ah," if he was a Black guy,

I feel like he would've… Exactly. He would've known.

He would've interpreted it. You know?

If I was like, "Ah," he would've been like, "Oh. Oh…"

"My fault. Nah, you all good. Nah. 'Ah, ah, ah.'"

He would've gave me the universal…

You know, when guys "get home safe," they hit the hood of your…

Oh yes.

It's all right. It's all right.

But because he was a white guy, and white guys, feel free to correct me,

but I think because he was a white guy,

when I was like, "Ah," he just did the shit back, like, "Ah!"

I think he thought it was an improv game.

He was like, "Yes, and… ah, ah. Ah, ah?"

"Ah, ah. Ah-ah."

I know, uh… that I have to be intentional in terms of looking for a husband.

I know. A partner. Um…

I know… I know the time is now.

I know that because

I made friends with a possum.

Yeah. My friends was like, "Oh, you single."

I made friends with a possum. Everybody know what a possum looks like?

-Yes. -Yeah, yeah.

They're aesthetically challenging.

Yeah, that's a face only a mother could love.

The American possum, not the Australian possum.

Yeah, the American possum looks very…

-Technically, it's the "opossum." -Right.

But I think the only reason they put that "O" in front of it

is 'cause when you see 'em, you're like, "Oh!"

"Oh shit. You scared me." You know?

They're such an interesting creature,

because they're the only marsupials on our continent.

If you don't know what a marsupial is, they're the mammals that carry.

Yeah, the birth happens… After they deliver, you know, the baby,

the majority of the development

of this baby happens in a pouch on the outside.

Kangaroos, koalas, wallabies, possums,

all native to Australia,

but we got one.

In all of the Americas, we got one.

Bad Bunny showed y'all the flags.

I don't even know if the American possum is related to the Australian possum.

I have no idea. If they are, that's a long flight.

What happened in the travel, right?

Did it get raped by a rat? What happened?

Did it take a Jet2 holiday? What happened?

I remember the first time I saw mine. I saw it at night.

Saw it at night. You normally see them at night.

You know, they… they… they got white faces, black bodies.

They got that long tail.

You know, that tail drag against the floor.

It's like the biggest rat tail you ever seen in your life.

Their eyes glow in the dark.

You know, they sort of… when they get a little bit scared, they go…

Right? I'm like, "You need Invisalign."

I see mine crossing my driveway, heading towards my house.

Now, the good thing is, I was in my car. I was in my car.

I'm like, "Okay, I'ma pull up real fast, scare it off," right?

So I figure, if I pull up fast, the opossum will scurry, you know?

So I pulled up real fast, but I was in a Tesla. It didn't hear it.

So the opossum just kept going.

So I'm like, "Oh no."

"Do I live in my car now?"

But then that other thing activated in me. You know? The opportunity.

"No, Zainab, this is good. Face your fears."

So I jump out the car. I got adrenaline. I slam the door.

When I slam the door, the opossum freezes.

It freezes in the most disturbing way.

It turns upside down. The tongue is hanging out of its mouth.

The eyes go backwards.

It's shaking.

I… I… I couldn't… I couldn't believe it.

Now, I know now, like, they call that "playing possum."

You know? They pretending to be dead.

Did y'all know they not even pretending?

No, they have no control over it.

Yeah, what happens is, they get so scared, they go into an involuntary paralysis.

Yeah. That makes more sense to me. Why would you fake die like this?

If I'ma fake die, I'ma be like…

In case you take a picture.

I don't know… I'm not familiar with this creature.

I know what it is, but I don't know what it does.

So it's scared, but I'm scared too.

So I start screaming…

"Die! Die! Die!"

But the opossum, as I'm yelling, "Die, die…"

If the opossum could talk, it would've been like, "I'm trying!"

It's shaking. I realize, "Oh shoot. I'm the villain in the story."

I run in the house. I immediately do what I do.

I go to Google, right?

Let me see what I need to know about this creature.

I'm hoping that I don't see the worst.

Turns out, I don't know who's doing the opossum PR.

Couldn't find a negative thing.

They're so good. They're so good for the Earth.

First of all, did y'all know they can never have rabies?

-That's right. -I know. But they look rabid as fuck.

They clean up all the ticks and things that destroy y'all grass.

The opossum cleans it up for free. Don't even judge us.

Like, "You got a lot of ticks."

I read a spiritual blog.

It said that if an opossum crosses in front of you,

you are protected in this world.

I said, "That sound like me."

I saw this woman. She did a video.

She was holding an opossum in her arms.

Oh yeah. Like it was a baby, bouncing it on her hip.

Yeah, like it was a seven-month-old. It was a white lady.

She bounced that opossum on her hip. She looked right at the camera.

She said, "Opossums only live to be about three or four years old."

Aw.

"So if you don't want them around, don't like the way they look,

if they scare you, give 'em a break, 'cause they're not here for very long."

-Aw. -Yeah.

Then she looked at the one in her arm and was like, "Right?" He was like…

If you've never seen an animal trying to figure out their age in real time…

He was like, "Am I one or four?"

Now I have all this new information,

I'm like, "Oh, okay, I'ma let him stay. How dare I?"

It's this thing that human beings have. We always wanna… We wanna…

-We wanna occupy space. -Right.

We wanna own… Even if something was there before us.

Crazy thing.

I'm like, "You know what? He can stay."

Yeah. "I don't know how long he was here before me."

"I'ma let him come and go as he pleases."

I named him Eugene.

Yeah, Eugene sound like somebody who will help you change a flat.

You know?

Like he always got change for a dollar.

Eugene would come, you know, every other night.

The sun goes down, and Eugene would come.

At one point, I thought Eugene was practicing Ramadan with me.

The sun would go down. He would be there. I would pray and need to break my fast.

He would be in the back. I'd be like, "Ramadan Mubarak, Eugene!"

He like…

For months. Months go by.

Eugene, he's my outdoor pet that I don't gotta do nothing for.

My friends like Eugene. They coming over, "Where Eugene? Where Eugene?"

I'm like, "He got anxiety. He don't come out when…"

I post Eugene on my socials all the time. People know Eugene, right?

Eugene is now a fixture in my life.

One morning, I was up. I was out for a run.

Early in the morning. Sun had just came up.

I get to the main road. I see a dead opossum in the street.

Oh.

I scream, "Eugene!"

I screamed so loud,

another runner came to me, frantic.

"Are you okay? Did somebody attack you? Can you describe him? Can you…"

She really wanted to be a witness, right?

And I'm processing in real time. I'm like, "No, it's Eugene."

"Eugene is dead, you guys. Eugene is dead."

I'm pointing at Eugene. She's confused.

She looks at me, then she looks at Eugene. She's like…

"You mean Mark?"

I couldn't… I don't know. Is that Mark? Is that Eugene? I don't know.

If you've seen an opossum, they all look the same.

Like, they standard issue. That's what they look like.

But in my mind, it was Eugene,

and he's dead.

I'm sad. I stop running.

I go home. I call my friend.

"You ain't gonna believe it."

She said, "What happened, Zainab?" I said, "Eugene died." She said, "What?!"

"Not Eugene!"

She said it like Eugene was a pillar in the community.

I said, "Yeah, girl, in the street, when I was on my run."

"He laid out in the street."

She said, "In the street? How did it happen?"

I said, "Girl, probably a Tesla. I don't know."

She said, "Oh, Zainab. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

"I know how hard you worked to get comfortable

with Eugene."

I said, "Yeah, I know." She said, "But, Zainab, don't worry."

"As long as you got fruit trees back there, you got real grass,

another opossum will come, give it time."

She was right. A couple of weeks later, I'm getting home late from a show again.

I'm in my car. I see an opossum right in front of… in the front yard now.

And I'm like… "Eugene."

So I watch him a little bit, but he goes to my front door.

Oh.

Eugene ain't never do that.

Ever since that first night, when I was like, "Die, die, die,"

Eugene was like, "I'ma go around the back."

This opossum went right to the front door and was like…

I said…

"Mark?"

You done showed yourself.

The reason I, um,

tell you guys about Eugene

is because, uh, maybe about a year ago at this point now,

a friend of mine, a really close friend of mine,

a mentor in comedy, she called me one day, distraught.

Distraught. She was at her wit's end. She called me yelling, frantic.

"Zainab, I'm quitting comedy. I'm done. I'm done."

This is… This is someone who's responsible for a lot of the doors

that I've been able to walk through.

But the world doesn't know it.

And so I heard her out. I felt bad. I said, "What happened?"

She said, "I'm done with this shit. I can't take it. So much inequality."

"I'm done. I'm done. I'm done."

"I can't do it no more. I can't do it. I'm done."

"I gave it 30 years of my life, and I have nothing to show for it."

I'm like, "Wait. Tell me what happened. Tell me what happened."

"Why tonight? What was the straw that broke the camel's back?"

She said, "Okay. So I'm at the comedy club, right?"

"And I have to go up after this white guy, and he did that white-guy-comic bullshit."

You know when you don't know what somebody is about to say, you scared,

so you try to get there first?

I said, "White-guy-comic bullshit? What did he say?"

"Did he say something racist, sexist, Islamophobic, transphobic, anti-Semitic?"

"What… What did he say?"

"Did he call Mary J. Blige 'Beyoncé'? What did he say?"

She said, "No, Zainab. He did his entire set on a horse."

I said, "He rode in on a horse?"

That's some white-boy shit.

She said, "No, no, no, Zainab. He talked about a horse for 20 minutes."

I said, "Oh, what's wrong with that?"

She said,

"The audience let him."

Mm-hmm.

"I watched it, and they just let him." I said, "Okay."

She said, "Yeah, I realize, in this business, that's his privilege."

"He gets to get up on stage, every single night, and be whimsical."

"He gets to be imaginative."

"He never has to say anything substantive if he doesn't want to."

She said, "But I'm a Black woman."

"Every time I get up on stage, I have to keep it real."

"I have to address my identity."

"I have to talk about issues that are happening in the world."

"I have to be the voice of the voiceless."

"They would never let me talk about an animal for 20 minutes."

So…

I talk about…

I talk about Eugene as a social experiment.

Every night, I get on stage and I ask myself,

"How long is this audience gonna let me…"

"…a Black Muslim woman…"

"…talk about an opossum?"

You know what's crazy?

Every single time I do it, by the time I get to Eugene's death,

y'all be like… "No!"

And I also found out

I am giving voice to a community that needed a voice.

I did not know there's an opossum community out there

that wants to be heard.

Oh, they coming up to me, you guys.

They've made me their queen.

They sending me messages.

At the shows, they coming up to me, showing me their opossum.

"Mine is named Claude."

They are excited.

It only went left one time.

One time, this girl came up to me, and she said, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

"You know, I rescue opossums!"

I said,

"How would I know?"

She said, "No, it's just when you started talking about Eugene,

I was like, 'Yes! Yes! Somebody else gets it!'"

And that's a hard place for me to be in a conversation,

because there's that part of me that wants to affirm her, right?

Then there's that other part of me that's like, "We not the same."

But, you know, I'm trying to be positive,

and, you know, I was like, "Well, do you have…"

"Give me a card. How do we contact you?"

She said, "Well, well, I do need to correct one thing you said."

I said, "Oh no. Am I about to be cancelled?"

She said, "It's the dead opossum part." I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "When you see a dead opossum in the street, in the road, wherever,

you gotta check the pouch."

"Because there might be live babies in the pouch."

And y'all know me, being optimistic and positive,

but I think… I think that was the moment

where I had poured the water out the glass.

I said, "Girl, I ain't checking no motherfucking opossum pouch."

I tell y'all about Eugene

because, as crazy as the world gets,

and it's probably gon' get a little bit crazier,

as crazy as it gets, I want y'all to remember

to access joy, spread love…

-Yes! -…be whimsical…

Yeah.

And be so freaking optimistic that it's toxic.

I'm Zainab, you guys. Have a wonderful night.

Thank you.

Let's see.

Oh, okay, there he go.

Oh…

Okay, Eugene.

Look at his ass.

He's saying, "You looking at me? I'm looking at you."

What if he said, "Get that goddamn camera out my face"?

He just there.

All right, I got stuff to do, so I'ma just have to let him be.

Let me see what happen when I turn the lights off.

What does he do?

Oh, now he…

Oh, he gettin' up outta there. Okay.