Original subtitles

♪ Flintstones ♪

♪ Meet the Flintstones ♪

♪ Have a yabba-dabba-doo ♪

- And it sounds gorgeous.

- You know what, we should have one of them...

I should write one of them theme songs.

♪ Osbournes ♪

♪ Meet the Osbournes ♪

(dog barks) - Minnie, shut the fuck up.

- Now, there's the chorus.

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat guitar music)

(bird chirps)

(dog growls) - Meow, meow, meow.

- Sorry, I feel asleep,

and you know when you fall asleep

and you go into a real deep sleep?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, anyway, they were...

I was like, I don't care about it.

But they wrote on me with Sharpie when I was asleep

and I woke up,

and I woke up from such a deep sleep

and I got really, really angry.

You know when that happens,

you know, like when you wake someone up

when they're sleepwalking?

That's what happened, and I just got super angry.

(ominous music) - I do that when people...

Like, you're in a deep sleep

and somebody's fucking with you and you're so tired,

I'm like... - Tell you what,

it's ever so freaky when you do it, you know.

- I know, but I just got really angry

and had a full-on freak out. - Did you apologize?

- Well, I left last night. - You should apologize.

- [MAN] Shouldn't have been mucking around

with him in his sleep.

That's a stupid thing to do.

- Okay, Burt...

Burt has no idea what I do.

He said, "I'm gonna get Kelly a job on the road."

I have a fucking job.

Well, maybe if the motherfucker would call me

every now and then, I wouldn't do that.

It's fucking Burt down at the Target,

and it's driving me nuts and I don't want talk to him.

Right.

(ominous music)

- [JACK] You ever woken from sleepwalking

and got real violent?

- No.

- Because you know how they say if someone's sleepwalking,

you shouldn't wake 'em?

- No. - Oh.

Just curious.

- [OZZY] Oh.

- I was asleep and they woke me up and I got real violent.

You know when you go in a real deep sleep?

- Well, not me, I never have a deep sleep, but...

- You know how they say don't wake someone

when they're sleepwalking? - Right.

- 'Cause they can get real violent.

Me, I was in such a deep sleep,

and I woke up and I got real violent and real angry

and freaked out. - For real?

- [JACK] Yeah.

- It wasn't a dream? - No.

- It was for real? - And then I was like,

"Fuck this", and I left.

- Hmm.

I don't know, it's never happened to me.

(ominous music)

(cheerful guitar music)

(dog barks)

- All right, do not let her go out.

Is Burt still in town?

- [MELINDA] I think she's miserable

'cause he hasn't called or whatever, and you know.

- Oh, so it's all coming out?

- [MELINDA] It's all coming out.

He doesn't call.

He said he was coming here yesterday.

Never showed up.

- Why doesn't he come and see her?

She's not going to see him tonight.

He's gotta come to her.

- [Melinda] All right, listen to this, right?

You know, she went there last night or whatever

and he left her in the hotel room for two hours

while he went down to

his fucking band member's room to hang out.

I'm like, what sort of bullshit is that?

And I'm fucking over it.

- No, - But you know that

if he calls, she's gonna be fucking there.

- Well, I'll call him.

I'll call him a twat.

- [MELINDA] But she's gotta learn for herself.

- I've told her over and over about those phone calls.

Never wait in for a phone call.

If he doesn't call when he says he is, just go out.

- Who you talking to?

- [SHARON] Melinda.

- Oh.

In here, Melinda.

Melinda!

- Melinda. - Yes.

- [SHARON] Yeah, we're gonna have to do something

about that little pervert.

(mysterious music)

- Poor Kelly, why don't you just call your boyfriend?

- Speaking of which, you need to stop with your comments.

- What the fuck have I said about now?

I've been doing nothing but saying nice things

and it's none of my business what I've been saying,

I'll have you know. - It's none of your business

what you've been saying.

It isn't any of your business.

- No, I know. - So you shouldn't say it.

- No, as a brother, you had to give someone shit about,

you know, your sister shit about a boyfriend.

- [KELLY] But you...

- What have I said now? - Keep saying stuff to people

and people come up to me and go,

"Why doesn't your brother like him?"

- Because I just think... - Don't say it, just say

no comment.

It doesn't matter, Jack. - All right.

It just... - Just don't say anything

at all, if you don't have anything nice to say.

- But they are nice things.

- It doesn't look like he's going anywhere anytime soon,

so you might as well be nice.

- [JACK] Did you guys...

- I didn't get married, Jack.

I'm 18 years old.

- [JACK] But he engaged you, didn't he?

- Engaged you?

What world are you living in? - He fucking proposed.

- He did not propose to me. - See, look at this.

Oh, my God, he fucking proposed to you, the fucking scumbag.

- Fucking scumbag. - Scumbag.

- [KELLY] He did not propose to me.

- Then what's that little thing...

What's that ring

on that finger? - You are such a moron.

Jack, Mum gave me this ring. - That's right, she did.

- You fucking idiot. - That's right,

and he'd probably go to Kmart

and get you one of those rings out of the machine.

- You're so superficial, it's disgusting,

- Isn't superficial a good thing?

Superficial is a good thing, right?

- [ROBERT] Uh...

No. - Well, no.

If you say someone's superficial,

isn't that a compliment?

- I don't think so.

(upbeat jazz music)

(airplane roars)

(peaceful music)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Yes, baby.

I know, darling, I know.

Have you spoken to him?

Oh, baby girl, come on.

Are you hurt, do you feel hurt?

Come on, my sunshine beam, come on.

All right, my darling, I'm here if you need me.

I'll be 30 minutes.

Okay.

I love you, bye.

God, my heart's breaking for her.

It's Valentine's Day.

- Broke up with her on Valentine's Day.

So not cool.

- [SHARON] Come on.

- Burt called her and broke up with her.

Fucking scumbag.

And he didn't want to be known as Kelly Osbourne's boyfriend

for the rest of his career.

- What a fucked up day to do it on Valentine's Day.

The guy needs a kick in the fucking balls for that one.

- I don't get in relationships, really.

But it's like, I'd never do it over the phone.

You just take them out to dinner and

do it the gentleman way, or send them an email.

(Jack laughs in slow motion)

(ominous music)

(rock music plays)

- It's like, they think he's an asshole.

- Yes, it was on Valentine's Day,

but it doesn't really matter.

The fact is that he broke up with me

because he's having mental issues,

which is fine, whatever.

But his excuse was just disgusting.

He goes, "I just wanna rock."

That's what he said.

And I'm like...

"Okay."

And I pause because I was gonna laugh.

And then he goes,

"People don't take me seriously because I date you."

His head is shoved so far up his arse now.

I don't think I ever really want to

talk to him again, to be honest.

He's suffering from mad LSD right now.

- Really? - Mad LSD.

Lead Singer Disorder, it's disgusting.

- He's a piece of shit.

He is a piece of shit.

Worse than a piece of shit.

- Maybe somebody else is

making him do it. - Shit makes flowers grow.

What? - Yeah, he's not that good.

- No, he's not. (laughs)

- He ain't that good.

- He's not.

They call him Rat Boy.

His nickname is Rat Boy amongst his friends.

Guy's a fucking pussy with a cauliflower dick.

(dog barks)

He's like a used tampon.

If he ever mentions my daughter,

I will fucking go and personally knock his teeth out

with my Chanel handbag. - That's right.

(ominous music)

(dog pants)

- I'm sorry, Lola.

Last night...

- [SHARON] No, she'll be fine.

- I woke myself up, and I'm beating Lola up in my sleep.

- You gotta go and talk to your therapist

that you're fucking...

Violence in your sleep.

- I don't think it's-

- I won't end up being the recipient with it.

It's a cold chuck in the fucking golly, there.

(Jack laughs)

Don't buy a baseball bat, for fuck's sake.

- [JACK] Seriously?

(upbeat jazz music)

(peaceful music)

- [SHARON] Listen to me, Kelly,

please, for once. - Mum, you know,

I'm so done with even fucking talking to you.

So, you do whatever you wanna do and I will do it.

How about that?

If you're gonna be my manager as well as my mother,

treat me like your daughter

as well as someone that you work with,

because it's not fair.

Don't tell me, ask me.

- You know what I think you ought to do?

I honestly think that you ought to

get yourself another manager.

I really, really do. - Oh, for fuck's sake,

Mum, grow up. - No, I'm not

being patronizing, Kell. - Look at you,

look at what you're saying.

- Because you shout at me all the time

and you think you know everything.

- Because you don't listen to me, Mum.

You don't listen to me.

- I can't take it, baby. - Oh, you know what,

fuck you, Mum, fuck you.

And you know, maybe I will get another manager because you

don't listen to me. - Please.

Go. - I cannot do that.

It drives me crazy. - Go.

Just go, Kelly.

I'd rather have my daughter

and have somebody else manage her.

- [OZZY] What's up?

- [SHARON] What?

- You all right?

- [SHARON] It's Kelly.

It's just Kelly. - Is it impossible

for her to talk normally now?

(mysterious music)

- Hi, Jack.

How's your arm?

- Eh.

- [OZZY] Where was that from?

- Kelly bit me.

- Jesus. - What was the

cause of the argument?

- She comes downstairs and I was just talking to Sarah.

We were just joking around.

Started talking, and Kelly accused me,

or Kelly blamed me for the reason

why Burt broke up with her. - Oh.

'Cause yesterday, I know this is crazy.

- [SHARON] Well, I got the blame a week ago.

- [OZZY] It's her business.

- Yeah, but it becomes... - She makes it everyone else's

because she always talks about it.

- [SHARON] Ozzy, she blamed me for the breakup last week.

- But you know Kelly, she's hurting

and she's gotta find some way of venting her frustration.

(door slams)

(suitcase bangs)

(Kelly grunts)

(suitcase bangs)

- [KELLY] I'm fucking out of here, a bunch of cunts.

- [SHARON] Bitch, just keep our mouths shut.

- That's a fucking nasty bite.

Put some of the cream on it, it'll get the...

It's really good stuff.

- Smells like toothpaste. - Yeah.

- [SHARON] Daddy.

- What? - You have no idea

how strong Kelly and Jack are.

- Oh, I know Jack is. - They are both so strong.

- I'm just hoping I'm not the recipient

of his fucking sleepwalking episodes

and I'm waken with a fucking

case of fucking empty Coronas

wrapped round the back of my neck.

(ominous music)

(dog barks)

(dog growls)

(dog barks)

(dog growls)

- [JACK] Whoa.

- Minnie!

(mysterious music)

Fuck.

Minnie!

(Sharon whistles)

- Come on, Min.

Minnie girl.

- [OZZY] Minnie!

Minnie!

- Fuck.

- Minnie, come on, baby, come out.

Where's this fucking dog, man?

Minnie!

Minnie!

She's not in the pen.

Minnie!

- Come on.

Come on.

Where are you?

Hey.

Minnie?

Min?

Mincey?

Come on.

(Sharon whistles)

Come on, Min.

(phone rings)

(water trickles)

- Okay.

Does no one ever answer the fucking phone round here?

Yeah? - Dad.

- Hey.

- [JACK] I did something fucked up.

- You can tell me anything.

What's happened?

- [JACK] I killed Minnie.

- What do you mean, you killed Minnie?

What you talking about? - Dad, last night,

I don't know what happened, but...

- [OZZY] Where is she now?

- [JACK] I think I killed Minnie in my sleep.

I woke up and she was in my bed.

- Don't, this is not a joke, Jack,

'cause it's... - I don't know

what to tell you. - Do not lie to me.

- [JACK] I woke up and she was lying in my bed,

just lifeless.

I put her in a duffle bag

and I... - I'm fucking shaking now.

Minnie's dead.

- Dad, calm down, calm down. - Oh, good God, no.

- [JACK] You cannot tell Mum.

- I have to tell Mummy.

- [JACK] Please, it'll kill her if she finds out.

- I can't believe this, man.

I'll deal with it. - Dad, I'm so sorry.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

- Promise me you won't freak out.

- [SHARON] Ozzy, just fucking tell me.

I wanna know.

- He found Minnie dead in his room this morning.

- Stop winding me up. - I'm telling you the truth.

Minnie's fucking dead.

Minnie's dead.

- Ozzy, you're winding me up. - I'm not.

I wish I fucking was winding up, Sharon.

Minnie's gone.

She's gone, though.

- Minnie!

Minnie!

(somber music)

(Ozzy snores)

Bye.

- What do you mean, you've gone?

You are coming back, aren't you?

- [SHARON] Ozzy, I need to be on my own.

I can't be in that house, because it's just,

Minnie's everywhere, and I can't be there.

I'm in Malibu.

- I don't know where my house in Malibu is.

- [SHARON] I need to be on my own.

- Don't do it.

- [SHARON] I just need to get out of the house

because everything there is Minnie,

and I can't be there. - And I understand.

I mean, Sharon, I just want to...

I'm so terribly sad, you know, I'm so, so...

- [SHARON] Ozzy, I can't talk about it.

I've got to go. - Oh, okay, okay.

- All right. - Stay safe.

Just don't do anything stupid, Sharon.

- [SHARON] I just need to be on my own.

Bye. - I love you.

Fucking hell.

(Ozzy sighs)

(machine beeps)

Oh, no, fucking stuck on the fucking weather channel again.

Jack!

These fucking...

(plastic tapping)

Sharon!

(machine beeps)

Kelly!

Oh, fucking hell.

(door slams)

(upbeat jazz music)

- And cut. - Oh, perfect.

- That's a wrap, everybody. - It's all over.

- It's all over. - I don't have to say

the F word anymore. - Not again.

(all cheer)

- And you can take your dog shit home with you.

(all clapping)

(all chattering)

(upbeat rock music)

(indistinct chatter)

- [CAST MEMBER] Can we go home now?

- Yes! - You all home back now.

Now, you can all fuck off.

(crew member laughs)

- [All] Bye!

Oi, oi, oi!

- Jack, I really...

I really understand,

but you've gotta understand where I'm coming from.

I love you all.

But...

- Cut. (all laugh)

(camera beeps)

Ready and... - No, no, no.

- [JACK] Just...

- I...

I really understand,

but you've gotta understand where I'm coming from.

I love you all.

I love you more than life itself.

- [Director] The notion that you can just walk...

- When he says, fuck's sake. - Here we go.

- But you've gotta understand where I'm coming from.

I love you all.

I love you more than life itself,

but you're all fucking mad.

(all cheer)

Chip off the old block.

(camera beeps) (peaceful music)

(whimsical music)

Any more dumb questions?