Original subtitles

- You be careful, young man.

Aw, now, come on. (Sharon laughing)

- He's a boy. - We've had the party.

Now, hold on, Pierre.

We've have the party

- No, don't go and slam your fingers in the door,

no, no, no.

Come on, go that way to Mommy.

I can see what's gonna happen,

and you're gonna slam your little finger.

- [Child] Read the storybook! (gentle music)

- [Child Replying] I am!

(children chattering)

- Oh, no, no, no.

This is a dangerous weapon

waitin' to stick into somebody's eye.

(children grunting)

Come on, go that way to Mommy.

You should give him a...

I can't do this.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh! (child crying)

Really, love? - Oh.

- Oh, fuckin' hell.

I gotta this room, I need to breathe.

(children crying) (gentle music continues)

Fuck, where do they get the energy from?

Christ almighty.

(bright upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

(bright upbeat music continues)

♪ Millions of people livin' as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(bright upbeat music ending)

(bright carefree music)

- Look at this baby, Jack.

- No way.

- Look.

I can't remember, I haven't even plugged it in.

This thing is fuckin' awesome when it gets goin'.

It's got a Sabbath sticker on the back, from 1973.

Smell it.

I wrote, "Who are you?" on that, "Am I going insane?"

We did all the synthesizer on this fuckin' thing, man.

- Wow. - It's been in storage

for 30 years.

- Do you know how to work it still?

- I'm just tryin' to...

I gotta get to droppin' fuckin' acid, I think.

You won't be seein' me for a fuckin' few days now.

Lock myself away with some fuckin' music now.

(bright string music)

- Hi, everybody.

I said to Jack today, "You're going to England tomorrow,

would you spend some time with me?"

So he says, "Mum, I'm going away for three weeks,

do you not think

that I don't wanna spend tonight with my friends?"

And I thought I'd heard it wrong,

I thought he was gonna say you.

- I love carrot cake.

I could quite easily devour that.

- Love you.

- [Sharon] Daddy, sit with Jack 'til he goes

because he's going in a minute.

(bright pensive music)

Where's this bit?

- Oh, I don't use condoms.

I secretly have about 11 children on the way.

- No.

- Bad daddy...

- [Ozzy] Your arms are cold.

- I know. (laughing)

- Fuckin' crazy woman, you.

- Okay, don't fuckin' start gettin' fruity in my room.

- We're not getting fruity-

- Well, you get fruity in my house.

- But not in your room.

You get fruity in my house.

- Alright.

- Oh, Dad, look at this.

It's a breathalyzer.

- [Sharon] Breathe into it.

- Hold on.

You just go like this, I'll tell you when.

Three...

Oh, you got four seconds.

Oh, oh, wait.

Go. (device beeping)

(Ozzy blowing gently)

- That's not close enough.

(device beeping) (Ozzy blowing)

- 0.1.

- What's that mean?

- It means you've had a drink.

Oh, it might be the chewing gum.

- I don't think so.

I think you ought to leave that here with me.

- No, you don't.

Fuck that thing up.

Get rid of the fuckin' thing,

I'm not havin' that shit in my fuckin' house,

I'll get fuckin' busted every fuckin' day, man.

I'll be fuckin' hung by the fuckin' balls by Friday.

- Don't worry, it's for my friends.

(gentle music)

- You stay safe, (stammering) don't do anything stupid.

- I won't.

(bright rhythmic music)

- Lola, don't be sad.

You ready?

- Yes.

- Let's roll.

- RTG.

You what I realized, I forgot my sunglasses.

- Dude, we're goin' to England.

There ain't no sun in England. (laughing)

- (laughing) You won't be seein' sun.

All you'll be seein' is rain, snow, frost, wind.

- Come on.

Loli, come on.

Come here, no, come here.

Sorry.

Lola, you can't come to England.

Come on.

I love you.

See you when I get back, Lola.

(bright rhythmic music)

(sad violin music)

- We're not only players now,

we're about to be international players.

Yeah, yeah. (Jack laughing)

(sad violin music continues)

(sad violin music ending)

(low rhythmic music)

- Mom, I have one bag,

and I'm going on tour for like three weeks.

- Are we goin', or are we not goin'?

- Of course we're going.

- No, you're not!

Stop tryna be this fucking perfect woman.

Always on time to appointments.

No, you're staying home. (Sharon laughing)

- You're such a taunt to me. (laughing)

- You're staying home.

I'll put a little spotlight on you in your room

so you feel special.

You're staying home. - And the Oscar goes to.

- I am special, I've got you as a daughter,

and I've got daddy as my husband.

- Okay Dad, when I tell you to, blow on this.

You have to wait. - I'll fail.

I'm gonna fail it.

- I wanna see what number it is, come on.

- Wait.

- (laughing) This is so exciting.

- Wait.

Okay, blow.

Blow. (Ozzy blowing rapidly)

(device buzzing)

You're drunk.

- Am I? - Yes.

- [Sharon] (laughing) What number is it?

- I hope so.

- 0.5, and 0.6 is like red.

- I'm bein' busted by my own kids, man.

(bright rhythmic music)

- Bye, Daddy.

- I love you, Kelly.

Bye, Martin!

- Get there,

you call us, even if it's the middle of the night.

- Come on, come on, Sharon.

- I love you.

- I love you more.

- Let the young one fly.

Come on, Sharon.

(car door clicking)

Come on, Sharon.

Farewell, my loved ones!

Be gone!

(footsteps clicking)

- We've just got Martini left.

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music ending)

(bouncy string music)

- Well, for some reason,

I'm goin' fuckin' crazy on carrot cake.

- Can I tell ya, of all the cakes, that's my favorite.

- I fuckin' love you.

- [Pete] Yeah,

but ya gotta have the thick sour cream frosting, right?

- Oh yeah, that's it, that's it.

I'd fuckin' kill for a piece.

- [Pete] Yeah.

- It's good,

you know, some cakes stick to the top of your mouth.

- Yeah. (laughing) - That cake,

it's just the right texture, it's kinda crunchy.

- [Pete] Oh yeah.

It's good, it's good.

That's not Pete approved though, ya know,

you save that for your day off, you know?

- Yeah.

- [Pete] Save that for your day off.

(plane whooshing)

(bright bouncy music)

(Robert yawning)

(birds chirping)

(bright bouncy music continues)

- [Jack] This house right here is the house

that when the Mayflower sailed back from America,

there's a shed back there

and the shed is made of the Mayflower.

- [Robert] How do you know that?

- [Jack] That's what I heard.

(bright regal music)

Home, sweet home.

- [Driver] I could've done it a little faster.

(bright regal music continues)

(door clicking)

- Sugy, ooh, and Sunny!

Sunny, Sunny, it's me!

Hi, hi, hi! (Sunny crying)

Fuck the little ones, these are the real dogs.

Robby, this is Sugar.

(Robert laughing)

She's our oldest dog.

She's our big old baby girl!

This is the miracle.

- Go up, please.

Go fetch it, Lola.

Fetch.

You gotta go that way.

Either you're gonna breathe it in through your ass,

or you gotta turn and run for the ball.

You know, like normal dogs do.

(sad violin music)

(sad violin music continues)

- [Jakc] My room's a time capsule, Robert.

- Wait.

- Yeah, I used to have my bed in here.

How fuckin' cool is this place?

- I don't know about that.

- This is the top landing.

Here's Mom and Dad's room.

Look how small that bed is compared to LA.

- [Robert] I don't like the pattern on it.

- Look at the TV compared to LA.

This is Mom's dressing room.

- I'm not feelin' the purple.

- Come here.

These are pictures you've never seen.

That was Baldric, that was our first bulldog.

- Ugly.

- This is Dad's dressing room.

- That's kinda cool.

- It's Dad's bathroom.

- This is like, fucked up.

(footsteps thudding)

- This is like Mom and Dad's wing of the house.

- Everything's so tacky.

- Look, this is Dad's room.

You'll like this.

- Everything's nice, except the carpeting.

Everything's so tacky.

- All originals.

The original one.

Isn't this cool?

- Damn.

Jet Records.

- These are all movies in here,

they're all cupboards, you just push 'em and they open up.

Come on, let's go outside.

- Um.

- Basically, as far as you can see, we own.

It seems so much bigger when you're littler.

- [Robert] I don't know about that.

(bright regal music)

- I wish Lola could see this place.

(bright rhythmic music)

♪ I'm all alone ♪

♪ So sad and blue ♪

♪ For what I've lost ♪

♪ I've paid the cost of lovin' you ♪

(bright rhythmic music ending)

(static crackling)

- Come on, you motherfucker.

Why are you fuckin' doin' this?

(static continues crackling)

Come on, you fucking thing.

(static wavering)

Come on, motherfucker.

I need some carrot cake.

I will be back.

(low rhythmic music)

- Andy, you goddamn venereal disease.

Alright, I'm fuckin' home, and I'm expecting you

to be around my house sometime tonight.

(low rhythmic music continues)

What's goin' on?

Yeah, but I'm expecting you to be over here by half-four.

(low rhythmic music continues)

Do you wanna come over tonight?

Alright.

Keep the scene alive.

Hi, Mom.

- Hi, darling.

Is it cold?

- Yeah, fuckin' freezin',

it's supposed to snow in the morning.

- Oh, I miss you.

- Spend time with Lola, let her sleep in your bedroom.

- She has a new position at the house now.

She lies out in the front by the garage all day,

gettin' the sunshine.

- I love you.

I'll call you before I go to bed.

- You take care and be a good boy.

No riding the bikes drunk, and no playing with the guns.

You swear?

(low rhythmic music)

- There's not enough room. (laughing)

Yeah.

- Whoa! (beers tumbling)

♪ Here's a story 'bout a guy I know ♪

♪ A crazy cat, who's on the go ♪

♪ A man who knows where the parties are thrown ♪

♪ He's the life of them, that much he has shown ♪

(engine rumbling)

♪ He's a funny, fun-lovin' guy ♪

♪ And he doesn't even have to try ♪

♪ 'Cause all his friends, they wanna stop on by ♪

♪ Just to hang out and have a good time ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

- No, it's just stalled out.

♪ They call him fearless Jack ♪

- (laughing) Slow the fuck down, cunt.

♪ That's Jack ♪

(bright piano music)

(bright piano music continues)

- Alright, Sugy.

(bright piano music continues)

(Lola barking) (leaf blower whirring)

(bright pensive music)

(Lola panting)

(bright pensive music continues)

(water rushing)

(bright pensive music ending)

(low piano music)

- Daddy, I miss Jack.

- Where is he?

- He's in England.

- They can't wait to leave the house, huh?

- No, they just wanna do their own thing.

- You know what, the kids are like that.

Sooner or later, all kids, they do.

- And I don't want 'em to, but they will.

I'll have to get Minnie pregnant

so she can have babies that we can take care of. (laughing)

- Come on, Sharon, you gotta remember me, I'm still here.

I'm good for a laugh at least once a day.

(Sharon laughing)

(bright upbeat music)

(bright upbeat music fading)

(bright playful music)

(Lola panting)

(Lola barking)

(bright playful music continues)

(Lola grunting)

(water splashing)

(water rushing)

(Lola barking)

(water splashing)

(Lola continues barking)

- I guess I haven't used it for years,

I don't even know any Sabbath.

I forgot how to use the fuckin' thing.

(distorted electronic music)

(pulsing electronic music)

It's like another dimension.

I haven't used it for 20 years.

(staccato electronic music)

You see, this is a ballad kind of a vibe.

(sweeping electronic music)

(sweeping electronic music continues)

I'm like "The Nutty Professor!"

(pulsing electronic music)

(bright pensive music)

- Kell, it's Mum.

(laughing) How are you?

- Oh, now I'm skipping dinner

and going straight to the carrot cake.

- Kelly, I miss you.

Come home right now.

Get on a plane.

I can't wait to see you.

- Perfect.

- I love you, you love me.

- Oh, fuck off, dudes!

I'll just give it you guys now.

(bright rhythmic music)

But I work at burning it off.

- Ozzy, you're maintaining your weight at 160.

- But if I'm hungry, I eat, I do not go hungry.

I need some carrot cake.

I had 2/3 of it and I-

- Okay, wait, wait, 2/3 of it, you didn't finish it.

- Then I put the rest in the fridge and ate that later on.

- You're eating what you want in moderation.

Right there is the entire philosophy of weight loss,

eating to the point of satisfaction.

(sad bright music)

(sad bright music continues)

(sad bright music continues)

(sad bright music ending)

- Miracle?

Miracle?

Lola!

(Jack speaking in gibberish)

♪ My baby comes home to me ♪

(low droning music)

- What do all these do?

- Well, fuck if I know.

(Guest laughing)

(deep wailing music)

- [Guest] You almost got it.

(deep slow music)

- What was that then?

(Ozzy humming) (deep slow music continues)

(bright droning music)

- This reminds me of like, a Kubrick film,

like the soundtrack of like a Kubrick film.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(deep droning music)

- The first step in makin' a carrot cake

is we want to take the carrots

and we wanna combine it with the lemon juice.

This will keep the nice orange color in the carrots

as it's cookin'.

We just wanna combine

all of these ingredients together well.

We got three eggs, we wanna add these one at a time.

We wanna just scrape down the sides and add in our carrots.

- That is fuckin' great.

- So next, we'll do our classic cream cheese frosting.

It's probably the simplest,

but one of the best frostings that I love.

We have our individual cake, you can see,

just cooked gold and brown, nice and springy.

And I'll fill the inside with the frosting-

(Pete laughing)

And lay the other piece on top.

This is a Grand Marnier glaze.

- It's so good. (laughing)

- It's basically a sweetened cream sauce,

thickened with a little bit of egg.

- That's amazing. - A wonderful sauce.

- It looks great. - We've got

some fresh orange slices.

(bright rhythmic music)

- Yeah. (everyone applauding)

- [Presenter] Next time,

on the season-ending episode of "The Osbournes."

- [jack] You ever woken from sleepwalking

and got real violent?

- No.

- I was asleep and they woke me up, and I got real violent.

He engaged you, didn't he?

- Engaged you?

- [Jack] Look at this!

Oh my God, he fucking proposed to you!

- The scumbag!

- Scumbag!

- It doesn't look like he's goin' anywhere anytime soon,

so you might as well be nice.

- You know what I think you ought to do?

I honestly think

that you ought to get yourself another manager.

- [Jack] Dad, I did something fucked up.

- [Sharon] Oh!

(bright gentle music) (dog barking)

(quirky descending music)

(Lola barking)