Original subtitles

- Sharon.

- [SHARON] Yes, please.

- Would you order me some sashimi, please?

- [SHARON] Sha-shoo-mi?

- [OZZY] No rice.

- Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery, please.

- Sashimi, we're gonna need.

- [SHARON] What else do you want?

- [OZZY] Did you tell her it's sh-

- [SHARON] Sha-shoo-mi.

- Sashimi.

- [SHARON] Shi-shee-mi.

- Su-shee-mi, Mom.

- Hold on.

I don't know.

- Not, su-shi-mee, it's sashimi.

- [SHARON] It's very cold in here.

- No rice.

I can't understand what you're saying.

What did you say, what kind of...

I want a large order of yellowtail,

a double order of yellowtail.

What's that hot stuff, the green...

- [SHARON] The green sauce.

- The green stuff that's hot.

How long before the order gets here?

That's fabulous.

All right, bye.

What'd you say?

Do you speak English?

I'll speak very slowly, okay?

I would like to place an order of sashimi.

(theatrical music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(gentle music)

(monitor beeps)

- [COURTNEY] Hello?

- [JACK] Hello?

- [COURTNEY] Who's that?

- [JACK] Okay, it's Jack.

- Who is it? - It's Jack.

- Jack? - Osbourne.

- [COURTNEY] Oh, little Jack.

- Yes, come to pick you up.

(quirky music)

Time to put the intimidators on.

- [JACKIE] You have like real stubble now.

- Yeah, that's what happens when you kind of turn 17.

- [COURTNEY] I have suicidal Pomeranians too.

- [JACK] You do?

- [COURTNEY] And you know what?

The next door guy,

you think you have a music guy problem,

midlife crisis, really bad reggae.

- Ah, real bad reggae.

- I'm in my underwear, can you cover my ass,

so it's not hanging out? - Okay.

- You know, I'm here and I'm in my underwear, Brianne,

doing your responsibility.

Excuse me, cover my ass.

Come on in. - Okay.

- Come on in.

- This is my assistant, Jackie.

- Hi.

- [JACKIE] Hi.

It's nice to meet you.

- Let's go find Brianne, shall we?

- [JACK] Okay. - Just don't get my ass, okay?

- [JACK] All right.

- Don't get my ass!

(Courtney yells)

Go, go, go!

- This really sucks,

'cause they're out to arrest Kelly right now.

- Why?

Well, it's a right of passage.

They arrested me for saying fuck on an airplane.

You know who my first drummer was?

- [JACK] Who?

- Puffy.

- [JACK] Really?

- Yes!

Did she come out and say, I'm Brianne,

I'm gonna be a rockstar now?

- She didn't say-

- This was our deal.

This was the only reason you're allowed in my house.

Did you know that I'm playing Lady Macbeth?

- Lady Macbeth in?

- Out, out, damned spot.

(Courtney speaking foreign language)

I beat out many actresses, out, out.

- [JACK] Talent, talent.

- [COURTNEY] Don't get my ass.

(upbeat music)

- [JACK] I believe she said she was getting dressed.

- [COURTNEY] Jack, this is Brianne.

- Nice to meet you.

(gentle music)

(fireworks popping)

- You know I have this whole theory about Reconstructionism

and that we're heading for a depression,

so you take that, and that, and that,

and add it together to make one thing, right?

Which sounds pretentious, but really isn't.

(gentle music)

Obviously, it's once in a lifetime.

(fireworks popping)

And I am one of the only people alive

that makes money off the internet.

Did you know that?

Did you know that? (gentle music)

You're not listening to me.

(upbeat music)

Well, do you have a Hives moment?

Or did you have like a Hives thing?

- [JACK] I don't know, I guess.

- What was your Hives moment?

'Cause I had a whole moment that was kind of intense.

What was it?

- I don't know, it was-

- [COURTNEY] I didn't know what they were.

- I went to go see what the whole hoopla was about them.

- What happened I think is,

remember that magazine I showed you today, Brianne?

With your brother in it?

It's really kind of a good-

- Yeah, it's-

- I know a lot about the genetics in your family, actually.

I think we're related.

- Are we?

- Sorry, we are late.

Courtney and I were bonding and-

- [COURTNEY] I lost a boot.

- [JACK] And she lost a boot.

- [COURTNEY] But I got the boot now.

- [JACK] And she lost a boot, but she found the boot.

- [COURTNEY] We're leaving now,

and I do need a bra, don't I?

'Cause my tit keeps popping out, yeah?

I'm putting the bra on.

- [JACK] She's putting the bra on

because her tit keeps falling out.

- We have more dog shit than you in this house.

- Yeah, I trained Lola, so I'm sure you do.

- Oh, you got to keep her? - Yeah.

- Oh, that's awesome.

Okay.

All right, you guys, do you want any root beer or anything

before we go?

- [JACK] I'm quite all right.

- [COURTNEY] No, honestly.

- Okay, so we're just gonna-

- [COURTNEY] You're not listening to me.

- [JACK] I am listening to you.

- Molly, come back here.

No, Molly, come here.

Can somebody help me with the beagle, please.

The beagle's like really beloved,

and runs away a lot.

Molly, you need to go.

Can someone help me?

Yeah.

That's someone's version of a Pomeranian.

Do you guys see a dog?

What dog?

Oh, Molly!

If something bad...

Do we have a key?

I don't have a key.

Do you know what the code is?

I forgot.

Why can't it just be six, six, six.

Brian!

Oh, it's open.

(quirky music)

- What time is it?

- [MELINDA] 10:15.

- It was like five when I went to sleep.

- [MELINDA] Why did you stay up so late?

- We went out with Kurt Cobain's sister

who is so sweet and so nice,

and she just moved here, and she lives with Courtney.

Jack took her out.

I don't know what's going on between them, but anyway.

- That's weird.

- I'm sorry, but I think Courtney Love's one of

the most intelligent people I've ever met in my life.

- [MELINDA] Really?

- Yeah.

She's really fucking smart.

(mellow music)

- [OZZY] I've just written some melodies and some lyrics.

- [MELINDA] Hello?

- [SHARON] Hi, Melinda!

- [MELINDA] What are you doing?

- [OZZY] There's a song in there somewhere.

- [SHARON] How's my Kelly doing?

- [MELINDA] She's in bed.

- Yeah?

- [MELINDA] But what about Aimee, is she all right?

- Yeah, she's doing good.

- [MELINDA] All right.

- [OZZY] Do you think it's too sloppy?

- All right, Melinda.

Whatever you do, do not let that child go out tonight.

- [MELINDA] I will do whatever it takes

in my power to keep her in. - For fuck's sake.

- [MELINDA] Because Bert hasn't called,

and I said, this is bullshit.

This is just fucking bullshit, Kelly.

- [OZZY] You're driving me fucking nuts, babe.

- [JACK] Dad, this is Brianne, she lives with Courtney.

- [BRIANNE] Nice to meet you.

- I met your brother on a couple of occasions.

He was cool.

You don't eat that shit, it's fucking poison.

(Brianne giggles)

(rotisserie oven squeaking)

What's the fucking noise?

- What?

- Listen.

(rotisserie oven squeaking)

- [BRIANNE] What is it?

(tense music)

- It's a haunted spit.

How the fuck does it work, man?

- [JACK] It's that heater, it just cooks it, and it spins.

- [OZZY] I think it needs a bit of oil, son.

(rotisserie oven squeaking)

What do you think if we put one of the dogs in there?

(Jack laughs)

- Ew, what is that white shit?

Is that fat?

- [OZZY] It's smegma.

(rotisserie oven squeaking)

It's a haunted fucking cooker.

(theatrical music)

(gentle jazz music)

- [KELLY] I want to get a tattoo

if you guys were getting them.

- Remember forever and a day you've got a heart on you.

- Not forever, I'd get it fucking removed if I want.

- [MELINDA] $10,000 it costs.

I already looked into it.

- No, it doesn't cost $10,000.

- No, it does.

I called the laser surgery institute

on Friday. - And you're full of shit.

- After you got it done, I did.

- What did I tell about a tattoo,

if you have one, you'll have two,

you'll have three, you'll have four,

you'll have a million by the time you're 35.

- [KELLY] I know, I'm already planning my next one.

- Where?

- [SHARON] It says mother.

(Melinda laughs)

- [KELLY] Jack has one.

- [SHARON] Don't lie.

- Swear to God.

Mom, you've probably seen it a million times

and never even noticed it.

- [SHARON] What is it?

- It's on his back.

- Oh, for God's sake.

(mellow music)

(rotisserie oven squeaking)

- It sounds like

the chicken's still alive in there, yelling.

He's like, "No!"

- Whoo!

- [JACK] Hey, Dad.

- The howling spit.

What's this here?

- I'm making my specialty.

- Okay, I think I'm just gonna end up making a sandwich.

Which I'll make myself eat.

- [JACK] What do you want to eat,

and I'll make it for you.

(bell dings)

(uplifting music)

Hot bread to eat.

Fuck, man, I forgot to take off the wooden thing...

The cardboard thing.

♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Getting to know all about you ♪

♪ Getting to like you ♪

♪ Getting to hope you like me ♪

♪ Getting to know you ♪

♪ Putting it my way, but nicely ♪

- [JACK] Good, all good.

♪ You are precisely my cup of tea ♪

♪ Haven't you noticed, suddenly I'm bright and breezy ♪

♪ Because of all the things beautiful and new things ♪

♪ I'm learning about you day by day ♪

- [KELLY] Let's talk about yours then, Jack.

- [MELINDA] Yes, Jack, I'd like to talk about your tattoo.

- [JACK] What tattoo?

- Yes, exactly, come back here now.

- [JACK] What tattoo are you fucking talking about?

- [KELLY] The one of Melinda on your shoulder.

- [JACK] Melinda on my shoulder,

I would do that the day I fucking slash my own eyes out.

- [MELINDA] Aw, I'm really hurt by that.

- [JACK] You should be.

- It's all right, I have Melinda tattooed on my taint.

- Ew!

Excuse me, I'll see you tomorrow, everyone.

(upbeat music)

- Here we go, Minnie, Minnie, Minnie.

Minnie wants some air.

(cellphone ringing)

Hello?

- If I tell you some lyrics over the phone,

can you say what you think?

- Yes, bubbie.

- The song is called "The One To Say Goodbye."

- Ooh!

- And it goes, "God only knows how much I love you."

Next line, "You really mean the world to me."

- Hold on.

- He's actually doing a delivery up there tonight,

do you want him to have him bring it tonight,

will somebody be around?

- Sharon, are you listening to me?

- No, 'cause we have to get stuff moved out.

- [STORE EMPLOYEE] Okay.

- Sharon. - Yeah.

- So do you want to do it Saturday, Friday?

- [SHARON] Friday.

- Friday, okay.

- [OZZY] Are you listening to me?

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- Next line, "You've got to keep fighting,

"don't pick up your wings and fly."

The chorus is, "I don't want to be the one to say goodbye."

Does that sound nice?

- We wanna take the sofa.

- Okay.

- And can we take this?

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Good, okay. - Sharon.

- [SHARON] And he likes this fabric.

- [OZZY] Hello?

- [SHARON] Yeah?

- [OZZY] It hasn't been completed yet.

- [SHARON] All right, so I'll call you later.

- [OZZY] The next goes-

- [SHARON] Bye, darling.

(phone trilling)

- Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

- [OPERATOR] If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and try again. - [OZZY] Bloody hell.

(theatrical music)

(mellow music)

- [SHARON] Daddy, did you see the turkey cooking outside?

- [OZZY] What?

- The turkey cooking outside, it looks amazing.

- [OZZY] Whoo!

It's the fucking curse.

- [JACK] Yeah, good start.

- Who's the guy that has the ovens?

The boxer that has the ovens.

- [OZZY] Sylvester Stallone.

- [SHARON] No.

- Oh, those greasy ones. - Sylvester Stallone.

- [SHARON] No, no, no, no.

Who's the guy with the ovens?

- Sylvester Stallone.

- [JACK] George Foreman.

- George Foreman.

- More?

- [OZZY] More.

- More? - More.

(Ozzy exclaims)

- I think it's this gravy.

The cabbage is really tasty.

- Can I have some of that gravy?

- Yeah.

- I feel like fucking Twiggles the fucking bunny rabbit.

- You can tell by eating it, it's good for you,

it tastes good, you know what I mean?

- I'm eating a fucking oak branch.

- Ozzy, please.

- [SERVER] Tomato?

- It's a bit strong, that cabbage.

- [SHARON] Oh, just shut up about the cabbage.

It's perfect.

- Okay.

(Ozzy exclaiming)

Possum food, this is.

- It's full of iron though.

- So is a fucking box of nails.

(group laughing)

- Jackie!

- [JACK] Yeah, Mama?

- We're in here.

(Ozzy exclaims)

Hi, Brianne.

- Hi, how are you? - How was it?

- [OZZY] It was crap, the wine was great.

- [JACK] Hey, Brianne.

- How you doing, Brianne?

- [BRIANNE] Nice to meet you.

- Come listen to this new single.

It's pretty fucking nuts.

- [JACK] Is it like old school?

- [OZZY] It's totally old school.

(mellow music)

♪ God only knows how much I love you ♪

♪ I don't wanna be the one who says goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

(gentle piano music)

- [JACK] Goodnight, Mom.

- I just tried to make him feel better,

he was sad. - Is he okay?

- Yeah.

Can I just look at your back a minute?

Can I just look at your back a minute?

- All right, I'm gonna show you now,

but it's just out of love, just so you know.

It's just out of love,

and it's right when I got the news that you got cancer.

- Oh, shit.

- And this is now.

- A tattoo of you?

Oh, shit.

- It's white.

- It's in white ink and it says "Mom."

And I made it personal,

I didn't want it in any other ink,

'cause you know, it was very personal.

You mad?

- [SHARON] No.

- You like it?

- [SHARON] Mm-hmm.

- Good.

It's not a stupid heart for a stupid boyfriend.

It says "Mom" in a heart, 'cause it's for my mom.

I've had it for a while though, you must admit.

- That little girl is so cute, what's her name?

- [JACK] Brianne.

- Brianne.

- [JACK] Come on, Miracle.

Lola.

- Can somebody take the glow worm downstairs?

Rob?

- God knows that thing is coming downstairs.

- Be nice to her, she's a sweet little girl.

Be respectful to her.

Respectful.

- Of course.

(upbeat music)

Who pissed on the couch?

Did you piss on the couch?

Did she piss on the fucking couch?

That's piss.

Fuck, man.

Lola, bad, feel guilty.

- [BRIANNE] Aw!

She knows.

- I'm gonna grab some chips.

You know what would be really good right now?

Top Ramen.

- No.

I'll never eat that stuff if I don't have to.

- What should I do?

I need some help.

- That's really easy to measure, so.

- Is this a cup or is this a cup?

- No, that is.

- [JACK] This is a cup?

- That's a cup.

(gentle music)

(phone beeps)

- Hey, Mom, it's Jack, me and Robert are back with Brianne.

Lola peed on the couch.

(phone beeps)

- [SHARON] Jackie, come to say goodnight to Mommy,

I want a cuddle off you.

Please?

(Jack chuckles)

(gentle music)

♪ Loving you is as natural as anything can be ♪

♪ Right from the start it felt so real, so right ♪

♪ Touching your hand, I still can feel my heart take flight ♪

♪ Come what may, I will never let you get away ♪

♪ I'll spend my life just loving you ♪

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- I've been dreaming of taking my son fishing

for as long as I can remember.

(Ozzy groaning)

I've caught a bird.

- You guys picked a really, really nice day to come out.

- Go, go! - Throw it out!

(group laughing)

(Ozzy sneezes)

- It's the same fish, it's only one fish.

He's on contract to the boat.

It looks a bit like a shark.

- It was a seal.

- Give me some fish, give me some fish!

Oh, look, look!

(shutter clicks)

(upbeat music)

Possum food, this is.