Original subtitles

(jaunty music)

- Oh, great, Tony.

(jaunty music continues)

It's 'cause I'm fucking blind,

they should do the opening.

(jaunty music)

Oh fuck.

How the fuck do you open this?

(jaunty music)

It's gone down there now.

(suave music)

It's wonderful.

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(lullaby music)

(loud music and shouting)

- What's that fucking noise?

(music and shouting continues)

- [SHARON] What's the matter?

- The fucking neighbors are making all the noise.

- These bastards again?

- Yeah.

- Go get more balls.

- There's that tennis court constantly, constantly used.

- They're such pricks, Mum.

They were listening to fucking Crazy Town.

- Crazy Town? - Yeah.

(Sharon gasps)

- Let's burn their house down.

(Butterfly - Crazy Town)

(gentle piano music)

(neighbors speaking and tennis balls thumping)

- [CHILD] We all win!

(Neighbors cheer)

(tennis balls thumping)

- [MAN] Two, one, count as an ace.

- Jesus Christ.

(neighbor grunts)

- [MAN] Yeah!

(gentle piano music)

- [KELLY] From your annoying neighbor.

- Oh my goodness me.

- [KELLY] What?

- That is a really lovely-

- Is this the bastard that we threw the ham at?

- "Dear Sharon, I'm sort of one of your annoying neighbors."

(dreamy music)

- [NEIGHBOR] Is there a problem?

- Why don't you understand that

some people do like to sleep?

It's two o'clock in the morning.

This is a picture of his wife's cunt.

Ozzy, not wood!

You could be done for manslaughter.

(glass smashing)

- Blow to the window.

- "I am back in town

"and wanted to send you these as a peace offering.

"The dog artwork and dog necklace

"was made by a friend of mine.

"I recently lost my dog to coyotes.

"He was my best friend."

And that is so damn cute.

I have to go over there tomorrow.

(jaunty music)

- [JACK] Hey, Dad.

(jaunty music continues)

- You know, it's like living between

John McEnroe's lunatic brother

and Peter, Paul and Hitler.

- [JACK] Fuck them.

(neighbors chatting)

- Shut the fuck up!

They couldn't have built that fucking tennis court

any closer to the barrier if they tried.

The balls fly over here all the time, don't they?

You know what I ought to do?

Having a band rehearsal in my garden

and see how they like that.

- You know what I should go do?

Should I go move my drum kit outside right now

and just start playing it?

- If you want to.

- I think I will.

- Well, it's about time we had a family feud around here.

(energetic country music)

Go for it, Jack.

Go for it, son.

(energetic country music)

(loud drumming)

Shut up!

Fuck's sake, man.

(suave music)

- [KELLY] Where you going?

- To the English tea room for scones and tea.

- [OZZY] Do you wanna come with us, honey?

- I'm gonna go buy a cat.

- A cat?

- Yeah, 'cause Mum wants a new ragdoll.

- No.

Kel, can I ask you a favor?

No more fucking animals.

- When they're kittens, they only stay in one room.

- Yeah, they won't go out.

- No, don't, don't.

Please listen to me.

- Big doggy.

- Please, ma'am.

- I can't.

- Course you can.

- Come on.

Oh, little one.

Come on, little one.

- I think I'm gonna change my name to Ozzy Doolittle.

(loud music and cheering)

- I can't take it.

Get those fucking bastards with their fucking tennis.

(loud music and shouting)

Wish I had something to throw on them.

(tense music)

I think they need more than a ham.

(tense music)

Lola, go outside and bark, come on.

Let's pretend to be a dog, come on.

Go outside and bark.

Attack those tennis players, come on.

There's a good girl.

I can't stand it.

Wherever I go, there's just noise and people

and yesterday I thought,

"Well, about seven o'clock I'll go and sit outside

"or just keep the door open."

Clip, clop, clip, clop.

I open the door now and they're fucking playing that tennis.

I feel like I'm in a fucking canary cage.

Come on, come on.

I go outside, there's a million people.

You can't sit in the garden

without McEnroe making such a fucking noise!

(neighbors shouting)

Fuck you!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- [MAN] We'll give you four games, give you four games.

- Fucking McEnroe next door

is gonna get a bollocking from me.

- They're so rude.

And no, it's not even so much the tennis ball,

it's the, "Hi, my son's here to play tennis.

"Can you let him in?"

And then you hear the fucking hitting of the fucking balls.

- It's just total disregard for anybody else.

It's like...

They need a bollocking.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(dogs barking)

(classical music)

(tennis balls thumping)

(classical music)

(tennis balls thumping)

(classical music stops)

(heavy metal music)

(heavy music music continues)

(gentle music)

♪ Please won't you be my neighbor ♪

- It's the lady that owns the house.

She wants someone to go over there and clean up the cat shit

on the tennis court. - Off you go then.

Off you go.

- [MOUSTACHED MAN] And then she says

there's hair on the furniture that belongs to the cats.

She wants it clean.

- Tell her to get a fucking clue.

- Well, like I said, we should probably go get some bags

and do a forensic study,

pick some samples up and put 'em in some clear bags.

- [MELINDA] Go on, go on, go on,

say, "Well I'm not really sure that-"

- And tell her that we're gonna run it to a forensic lab-

- Go on.

- And do a DNA to make sure it's our cats,

'cause if it's not our cats, we shouldn't clean it up.

- [TONY] I couldn't keep a straight face.

- [MELINDA] No, I could.

- [MOUSTACHED MAN] She's deathly afraid of cats.

- She is afraid of cats? - Yeah.

- [MELINDA] Why'd she pick the fucker?

- [MOUSTACHED MAN] The little black one

had worked its way down below the tennis court.

They have, like, a bowling alley

and it was, like, hiding underneath a little desk.

- Bowling alley?

Let's make friends with them.

(upbeat music)

- If I'm the prince of darkness, you should be the princess.

What are our siblings?

- I'm the fucking duke of darkness.

- (laughs) The duke of darkness.

And the earl of darkness.

- Kelly and Aimee are the duchesses of darkness.

(Ozzy laughs)

- Yeah, all right,

so do you wanna hear about the next door neighbor?

- [ASSISTANT] Yes.

- Comes to the door this morning

in her tennis gear, with her friend,

to say that our cat has shit on her tennis court

and will we come and pick it up

and wipe the cat hairs off her cushions.

- [JACK] No, you should be like,

"Excuse me, can you come pick up all your tennis balls?"

What if one hit Minnie?

- Forget it.

That woman- - She'd be dead.

- That woman would be floating

at the bottom of my fucking pool.

- [OZZY] Let's get some land mines.

- [ASSISTANT] No.

- Land mines we can turn on and off,

so like at night, before bed, when all the dogs are in,

we turn it on.

(Jack imitates explosion)

Get some GHB in liquid form

where you just stick the syringe in the cork

all the way down and you just inject it into the wine

and fuck her ass up.

- What are you on about here?

Is this fucking I Spy or something?

- [JACK] We gotta fuck her ass up!

- James Bond?

- Mum, I got it, you know what we're gonna do?

I'm gonna go buy a paintball gun, but listen,

you're gonna shoot 'em in the air

and they'll just fall and just hit her fucking court.

- No. - Yellow, orange.

- You can't do that, Jack. - Red.

(dramatic music)

- Just what I need, my paint ball gun.

Just, like, fire shots through the bushes.

Fuck, if no one's looking,

there's no one gonna say, "You did it."

(tense music)

(tense music continues)

(paintball gun firing)

(paintball gun firing)

(paintball gun firing)

(paintball gun firing)

(paintball gun firing)

(paintball gun firing)

(tense music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(paintball gun firing)

(paintball gun firing)

(upbeat music)

(paintball gun firing)

(sirens blaring)

What is that?

Fuck me, man!

- [OZZY] Jack!

- [MOUSTACHED MAN] They're constantly complaining.

- [OFFICER] Well, I've seen some of the games on TV

where they have the paintball games and stuff

and some of those guns are pretty powerful.

They go to about a hundred yards.

- Well then it could not just be our backyard,

it could be from-

- Fucking hell.

- It might not have come from our backyard.

- Okay, if it didn't, then, you know, it's fine.

They're not saying it did.

- [SHARON] What's going on?

- I'm just saying if they are playing with paint balls,

not to be shooting in the direction of there-

- [SHARON] Daddy?

- It's the tennis court next door.

(classical music)

What happened to the cats, Shaz?

- [SHARON] What?

- What happened to this wild cat looking cat.

- [SHARON] Somebody stole my Tiggy.

- [OZZY] Pardon?

- Tiggy never came home last night.

I think it's the bastards next door.

- Pardon?

- [SHARON] Tiggy.

- Tiggy who?

- Tiggy.

Tigger, our cat.

- Who?

- [SHARON] Our cat.

- Went where?

- Missing last night.

- Fucking hell.

- I shall bring your food up here, Gus.

To be fed like a prince that you are.

(Sharon chuckles)

Prince Gus of...

- Gussington. - Gussington.

(Sharon laughs)

Where you going, Daddy?

(classical music)

- There's none in here.

- [MALE ASSISTANT] We're quite concerned,

'cause one of our favorite cats, Tigger, is missing.

- Where did the cat go?

Tiggy, Tiggy?

No, okay.

- Hi, have you guys seen a cat, a little brown cat?

(dramatic classical music)

- Tiggy?

- Seen a little brown cat out here at all, walking around?

- I don't want the coyotes to get the cat.

- Yeah, we need to find this cat.

(dramatic music)

- Tiggy?

(suave music)

(jaunty music)

(tennis balls thumping)

- Have we seen Hills?

- Who?

- We're losing all the cats.

Where's Gus?

(Ozzy grumbles)

Gussy?

(computer beeps)

Gussy?

- I've got it working, I'm a fucking genius.

- Come on, Gus!

(computer beeps)

- I'm bloody over this system, it's fucking...

- Gus!

Gus!

(computer beeps)

(jaunty music)

It's too much of a coincidence

that three cats just disappear.

- It's fucking ridiculous, Sharon.

- I just want my cats back.

- Well, you can't.

- [HAIRDRESSER] They disappear again?

- It's those bastard tennis playing

fucking perverts next door that's got them.

- [OZZY] No, coyotes.

- It's not coyotes.

It's them dressed as fucking coyotes.

- I heard them get one of the cats.

- Don't lie, Ozzy.

(upbeat music)

- Where is the cat?

(upbeat music)

Gus?

(upbeat music)

- Let me see, let me see, is he a ragdoll?

- He's from the same breed as Gus.

- What's his name?

- Mojo.

- Mojo.

(upbeat music)

- Gus?

- You can tell your dad that you got him at the pound

'cause he's so old.

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- That's a good story.

- He won't believe it though.

- You don't think so?

(upbeat music)

- Where did the cat go?

She's here.

(upbeat music)

- Mum. - What?

- You wanna get Dad in the house so I can take it in?

- We have to hide him.

I'm dying, I'm dying. - Gus?

- [KELLY] Why can we just tell dad that the Gus came back?

He won't know.

- Do you think?

(upbeat music)

We have to hide him for a couple of days

and then just let him, like, be in the kitchen.

(upbeat music)

- [KELLY] I think he won't even notice.

- He will, when the dogs go for him.

- Mum, it took him fucking six months

to realize that we had two cats instead of one.

(cat meows)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

(upbeat music continues)

- Mojo the cat lives here, do not open.

Who's Mojo?

- Can't even fucking...

- Got another cat?

- Don't even go there.

The coyotes are going back to get their tuxedos out

for a little dinner tonight.

- [TONY] Oh, no, don't go there!

I love it.

- I said Friday,

"Look, all of you, no more fucking animals."

Saturday, Sunday, oh, here he is.

Squash him, the fucker.

- You know what you should say?

You should tell them to get more.

You should say, "Can you go out in the street

"and get more animals?"

- No, I'd wake up with fucking eagles

and fucking lions in the house.

(cat meows)

(upbeat music)

(mysterious music)

(coyote howls)

(coyote barks and howls)

(cat meows)

(upbeat music)

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on the Osbournes.

- I think Courtney Love's one of the most intelligent people

I've ever met in my life.

- I am one of the only people alive

that makes money off the internet.

- It's a haunted spit.

- Ugh, what is that white shit?

- Smegma.

- Let's go find Brianne, shall we?

- [JACK] Okay.

- Just don't get my ass, okay?

Jack, this is Brianne.

(angelic music)

(fireworks exploding)

(playful music)

- Where did the cat go?