Original subtitles

(cheerful whistling)

- Now, who would put a fucking balloon in the trash can?

Fucking balloon.

Who would put a fucking balloon,

a fucking balloon in the trash can?

Burst the fucking thing.

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(Hawaiian music)

(gulls squawk)

- Tomorrow I'm going with Ozzy,

we're gonna go to Hawaii for four days.

Just for four days.

I'm gonna try and rest for four days.

But then I'm thinking there's hurricanes everywhere.

Probably there'll be a fucking hurricane.

(tense music)

- [MELINDA] Please be nice to the baby.

- Yeah, it was so fun. (dogs bark)

Hey.

(dogs bark)

Lola!

Hey!

(dogs bark)

Oh my God.

Hey! (dogs bark)

No, stop it. (dogs bark)

No. (dogs bark)

- Hey.

(phone rings)

So, this is the deal, Jack.

- [JACK] Yeah?

- From now on,

it's an 11 o'clock curfew.

You cannot bring people back to the house.

You can't be like the after hours.

Just for a couple of months, it's all I ask.

- [JACK] What, I have to be home at 11?

- No, you don't have to be home at 11.

But when you do come home,

don't bring fucking half (indistinct) with you.

- No.

- I just can't think where this bag has gone.

It's got a hard bottom on it.

- Right.

- It's this big and it's black with two handles.

It looks like this, yeah, but it's bigger, yeah.

- [TIM] Okay, hard bottom black bag.

Is that it?

- [SHARON] No.

- This one? - [SHARON] No.

- [TIM] This one? - No.

- I think this is it.

- You know, I never even knew I had this.

- [TIM] This one?

Black bag Chanel? - No.

- What about this one?

- No. - No.

- Fuck it, Tim.

- Mum and dad going away.

Yeah, we're gonna have

a whole bunch of individual single Jewish women

come over and get super drunk and fucked up.

Do you have a curfew?

- [JACK'S FRIEND 1] No, not at all.

- [JACK] You wanna come party tonight?

- These are yours, Ozzy?

- No.

- No?

You wanna take them with?

- That one's Sharon's, not mine.

- Oh, she said they were yours.

Okay, I'll just take the whole pack in the back.

- Wanna come over and go skinny dipping?

Pool was so hot.

The same place, Hawaii.

Yeah, I think we're definitely

gonna have to do it again this weekend.

So if you guys do two shots of vodka with me,

will you guys, invited to the party?

- We really want to talk to you about Jack.

It's gonna be so awful when you're gone,

'cause you are not here to mediate anything.

- [SHARON] Melinda and Dave are gonna be here.

- Last night, mum, if you would've saw him,

I think you would've punched him.

- [SHARON] You gave him a good kicking this morning

and I think there was a couple of punches thrown.

- That was pretty sweet.

- [SHARON] He's a good boy.

- Mom, do you think I don't know that?

He still sleeps with a fucking teddy bear

for God's sake, mom.

- That's his insecurities.

He uses that as an insecurity.

- [ROBERT] Yeah, I know, I know.

- [KELLY] No, mom, I'm not fucking kidding.

If he's drunk this weekend,

he is gonna get the shit kicked out of him.

- I'm gonna talk to him,

but I just want you both to understand

that it is hard for him.

(upbeat rock music)

- [JACK] Because like here we can be as loud as we want.

We have security here in case anyone gets outta hand.

My mom does not care, dude.

I'm telling you, we could get away

with more here than we could at any club.

- What are they gonna be up to?

God only knows,

but I am terrified to what I'm gonna come back to.

We've got plenty of people here to watch them,

but I keep thinking of

that Tom Cruise movie when his parents went away.

It's gonna be like "Risky Business"

I'm gonna come back to nothing.

But you'll be here.

Be good.

- Be good. - [SHARON] Be good.

Okay, no fucking around, you guys.

Jackie.

- Yeah, we're gonna be real good.

- All right, have fun.

I'm not saying don't have fun.

Melinda, please, please, please.

- You don't really want go, mom.

Oh, oh, oh.

Mummy, I love you, have fun.

- Bye.

(Hawaiian music)

- [OZZY] The fucking airplane

sounds like it's fucking like ...

Vroom ....

- [PILOT] I've got to tell you what they've done with this.

- [SHARON] Go on.

- [PILOT] They've refined it.

It's probably got

a little bit more pickup than the other one.

The other one was underpowered, to be honest with you.

- [SHARON] I know.

- [PILOT] Oh, we're off.

(Hawaiian music continues)

- [OZZY] I'm not going to Hawaii.

- [SHARON] Stop, right now.

- [OZZY] No, I, I, I ...

- [SHARON] Stop right now.

Don't even go there with me, I am not listening.

- [OZZY] Fucking ...

(dramatic music)

(upbeat rock music)

- [JACK] Everybody act sober.

- [JACK'S FRIEND 2] Get your ass over here.

- Robert, Robert, can you go (indistinct)?

♪ All hail rock and roll ♪

♪ Yeah hey hey hey ♪

♪ All hail rock and roll ♪

♪ All hail you all day ♪

- It's gonna be so awful when you're gone.

When you're gone.

When you're gone.

Why does everyone have to come to our house

with their fucking drunk-ass girlfriends?

- I'm going to go get into the pool.

Fuck you guys, I don't care if it's minus 10.

♪ Take off your clothes ♪

♪ You got nothing to lose ♪

♪ There's a party going on ♪

♪ Got plenty of booze ♪

♪ So run out the door ♪

♪ And jump into the pool ♪

♪ You don't wanna be nobody's fool ♪

(water splashes)

- I'm not spending another night awake

because of him and his fucking friends.

- Get out of town.

(rock music)

- He treats this house like it's fucking Club Jack.

(rock music)

(water splashes)

(dog barks)

Like everyone has to leave.

(rock music)

- They're all fucking losers.

Boring fuckwit motherfuckers.

What time is it?

(rock music)

(water splashes)

What a bunch of fuckers.

- Take your top off.

♪ I get ♪

♪ I get I get ♪

♪ What I own ♪

♪ Don't let ♪

♪ Don't let don't let ♪

♪ The feelings that I choose ♪

♪ I choose I choose ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody else do ♪

♪ Gotta get outta the way ♪

♪ No time for me to stay ♪

- [DAVE] You guys gotta be quiet, bro.

Shut it.

- Melinda, if he doesn't shut up, I'm going out.

I'm not fucking kidding you.

I'm not, you don't understand.

I would like to get a good night's sleep.

I would like to be able to have an interview

without nearly fainting because I'm so fucking tired

because I can never sleep in this goddamn house.

(Jack and his friends shout and splash)

(Melinda shouts indistinctly)

- What part of shut the fuck up

do these children not understand?

These motherfuckers of guests in people's homes?

Guys, you gotta keep it down.

- [JACK] Melinda, it's a fucking Friday night, shut up.

(Kelly shouts indistinctly)

- Why is Kelly so mad?

- Go to bed.

Kelly, I really don't care what you say,

because I really can't hear you.

- What? Huh?

She's instigating a theme.

We're just having a good old time.

(dramatic music)

- Jack's life is not a fucking 24 hour fucking party.

He needs to wake up to himself

and realize that he's not a cool kid,

he's a fucking douche bag,

and most of the kids who come here

wanna come to fucking Ozzy's house,

not to hang out with him.

- [JACK'S FRIEND 1] Come on, let's go before she Kills.

- [JACK] All right, we're outta here.

- [KELLY] Jack, what is your deal?

- What do you mean?

- [KELLY] Why is it fucking every fucking night?

- It's not like this every fucking-

- [KELLY] It is every fucking night, Jack.

- I'm not listening to you, Kelly.

- [KELLY] You have the fucking half of Malibu

at our house every day.

Give it up.

Just stop for fuck sake, everyone is tired.

I got woken up by you and your friends again.

Last night I didn't say anything-

- Check it out, Kelly-

- [KELLY] And the night before.

- Check it out, Kelly, I don't care.

- [KELLY] You don't care?

- You can hit me all you want-

- [MELINDA] No, no hitting!

(Kelly screams)

- You shut ...

Hit me, hit me, hit me.

- [MELINDA] Kelly, stop!

- Hit me all you fucking want.

- [MELINDA] No, Kelly, no!

- Bye.

- [MELINDA] Jack!

Jack, no!

Get the fuck off each other!

- Jack!

- [JACK] What are you getting outta that, Kelly?

Are you getting anything out of that?

What are you getting out of that?

- [KELLY] Fucking shit.

- What are you getting out of that, Kelly?

Hit me, come on, again.

- Jack!

I'll call you tomorrow.

- [JACK] You don't get anything out of it.

- [DAVE] Kelly, Kelly.

- You're a fucking idiot.

You're a fucking idiot, Kelly.

- [KELLY] I'm not gonna hit him, get off of me.

- Fuck you, Kelly.

Fuck you.

(mellow music)

♪ Mama's gonna worry ♪

♪ I've been a bad bad boy ♪

- I don't touch her, Dave.

♪ There's no use saying sorry ♪

♪ It's something that I can't do ♪

- Hey, it's Friday night, fuck off, leave me alone.

- I walked up to her, I was like,

"You fucking hit me, I dare you."

- He did deserve it.

- She fucking started swinging.

- He's such a pussy.

- She hit me with her ring and cut my face open.

- He is such a selfish asshole.

(Melinda laughs)

♪ Flying high again ♪

- [JACK] I'm gonna punch her in her face.

I'll knock the bitch out.

- Jack has no fucking life.

♪ Flying high again ♪

- What Kelly's situation is right now

runs deeper than fucking normal childhood fucking angst.

♪ Flying high again ♪

- I can't handle this.

Why does my brother have to be

such a fucking selfish douche bag all the time?

(jazz music)

(suspenseful music)

- Maui, Hawaii.

The Four Seasons, please.

(phone rings)

- Hello.

- [SHARON] What happened?

- Me and Jack just got into the biggest fight.

- [JACK'S FRIEND 2] Jack, you all right?

- [JACK] She's on the phone with mom right now.

- [JACK'S FRIEND 2] You serious?

- Tonight it was just fucking insane.

And I was sleeping and they fucking woke me up

'cause they were all in the pool

and there was like, like everyone here.

And I went down there and I sent Melinda down

and she's like, "Can you be quiet, can you be quiet?"

And he goes, "It's fucking Friday night, fuck off."

- [SHARON] Oh shit.

- So then I went down there

and I started talking to him like,

"I don't care if it's Friday night, fucking stop."

And he looked at me and he goes, "You know what, Kelly?

"Come on, hit me if you want to."

So I hit him and we got in this big fight.

- [JACK] You know what Kelly?

I'm so fed up with your fucking shit.

- [KELLY] Jack, get the fuck off the phone.

- [JACK] What the fuck is-

- [KELLY] Jack, shut up.

- [JACK] Your fucking problem, Kelly?

- [KELLY] It's not fair.

- [SHARON] Where did you hit him?

- What?

- [SHARON] Where did you punch him?

- In the face.

- I have two cuts on my face.

And all I could fucking do, I didn't, I won't hit her,

but I put my hands around her goddamn throat

and I put her to the ground.

- Mom, you would've fucking killed him.

And there's like some fucking drunk people

with their girlfriends that we don't know sleeping here

because Jack turned it into fucking the Osbourne Inn

while you've been away.

Mom, can you just please tell him

that this isn't fucking Club Osbourne?

This is a house that people live in.

- [JACK] You seen me fucking cut someone's face open?

No, but that's not a normal person who does that shit.

- [SHARON] Oh, Kelly, don't.

- Told you I hit him in the face.

I'm not a liar, I fucking smacked him in the face.

And you would've too.

- [OZZY] Sharon!

- [SHARON] I have to go.

- Love you, bye.

- Everything all good?

- No, I'm just so fucking ...

- [JACK'S FRIEND 2] Just chill out.

Just hang out.

- [JACK] No, she's being such a bitch.

- You cut yourself right here.

- No, Kelly cut me on the face.

- [MELINDA] Why can't you just all love each other?

- [KELLY] Don't even get into it.

- [MELINDA] It's the point of life, you love someone-

- God, shut the fuck up, Melinda.

- It's fucking 4:20 in the morning

and Melinda wants to know the meaning of life.

- [MELINDA] Yeah, fucking night's young.

Why don't we go for round two?

(dramatic music)

- [JACK] You know, I think it's so funny how

you always have to resort to violence

because that's all you really have.

- Because you have a little problem called listening.

- [JACK] Okay, I got the point, Kelly.

I was actually just getting out of the pool.

I was putting my dressing gown on as you came up

to fucking confrontate me.

- Yes, and you said to me,

"I don't care, come on hit me if you want to."

And I did.

Don't tell me to do things if you're not prepared for that.

- [JACK] I was completely prepared for that.

- Then why are you sitting here right now complaining?

- [JACK] Why am I sitting here complaining?

Because you had to fucking confrontate me.

You took it to the fucking limit.

- Good.

- [JACK] When have you ever been asked

to fucking get up and confrontate with someone?

- You are so selfish.

- [JACK] No, Kelly, you are so selfish.

- You're so selfish.

- [JACK] It's all about Kelly.

It's all about, "Oh my God, I can't believe I'm going here."

- [SECURITY] There's a drunk Mexican named Hose coming over

with a girl and I just let him in 'cause he needs to crash.

All right?

Thank you.

- [JACK] All you need to do is say,

"Hey Jack, shut the fuck up."

- How many times I tell you to shut the fuck up?

- [DAVE] Just talk to each other.

- It's like you're fucking blind, deaf and retarded.

- [JACK] I'm not yelling.

- You looked at me.

You were patronizing and you were sarcastic.

And you go, "I don't care, come on, hit me if you want it."

And I fucking hit you.

- [SECURITY] There's this like dwarf

and he's really fucked up.

- [JACK] But you know what, Kelly?

When have I ever hit you?

- Oh, don't even go there.

- [JACK] No, when was the last time I fucking hit you?

You name it.

- You forget that you strangled me.

I hit you once and you strangled me.

- [JACK] Oh, because no, you didn't hit me once, Kelly.

Wait, does that look like once right there?

Two fucking cuts to my face.

- They're tiny, Jack.

- [JACK] You're a fucking bitch, Kelly.

- Yeah, I'm a bitch, and I'm tired, Jack,

- [SECURITY] You seen the dwarf

went over and to pet the dog?

Dog just came up ripped his whole fucking nose

and like bleeding everywhere.

- [KELLY] You have no respect for anyone else but yourself.

You know what, Jack, invite the whole of Malibu over here.

Oh wait, they're already here.

- [JACK] You're a fucking cunt.

- Newsflash, Jack,

I look in the mirror and I see cunt,

but I get on with it.

You look in the mirror and you see,

"I'm Jack, I'm cool and sexy and people like me."

Well, no one fucking likes you, Jack.

- No, I fucking don't.

Fuck you, Kelly.

- [KELLY] Good night. - Fuck you.

- [KELLY] Good night.

- You're a fucking low person.

- [KELLY] Good night, good night.

- [JACK'S FRIEND 3] Shit, I know you guys love each other.

This is bullshit, Jack, let it go.

- [JACK] All right, I'm going to bed, good night.

Melinda, I don't really care

because your head is so far up that cunt's ass

you don't even fucking realize.

- Don't be ridiculous, Jack.

- Fuck you, Melinda.

Melinda, you fucking witnessed what she was doing to me.

How fucking normal is that?

And you did nothing.

You did fucking nothing.

She was punching me in my goddam face.

- [MELINDA] You recall me trying to get you two apart?

- Only because she was laying into me.

And you, Melinda-

- [MELINDA] What can I do?

She's 18-years-old.

- Oh, she's 18-years-old,

but she's got a brain of a fucking four-year-old.

- Oh, he comes up in here and he's drunk

and his eyes are watering,

"Look at my face."

And it's not even that bad. (Kelly and Melinda laugh)

The thing on his face are like that big.

And they look like zits anyway.

He's, "You made me bleed."

I wish I would've given him a fucking black eye

so he'd have something to-

- Kelly, the violence though has gotta stop.

You can't hit him

'cause one day he'll fucking clock you one.

You've gotta channel your anger into something else.

Arts and craft.

- But I mean, "You could have talked to me first."

I'm like, "I did, and you said, "Hit me if you want to.""

So I did.

(gentle music)

- [SHARON] Where's my baby girls?

Hello, hello, hello.

- Mm.

- Aw, the little lambs.

Hi Kel, hi.

- You have fun?

- [SHARON] Yeah, I did, darling.

- [MELINDA] Look at our little ...

- [SHARON] The slugger.

- Jack's coming in, "Look at my face."

- "My face."

Mom, it wasn't that bad.

- No, she really clobbered him.

- The deal is, at 11 o'clock at night, there's a curfew.

I knew this was gonna happen.

- Dad, I'm I'm, I'm done.

I'm so fed up of caring about her.

- I know you do, I know you're just pissed off right now.

What I've learned is every second of the day,

something different happens.

Some things you like, some things you don't like.

It is just another hiccup

in the journey back to reality.

It's done now, you can't undo it.

- And he goes to me, "Hit me if you want, hit me."

So I fucking did.

- [SHARON] She's like a pitbull.

She's like a little no, a Jack Russell.

- I get it from you, so don't leave it.

I watched you throw ashtrays

at the fucking drummer of Motorhead, at his head.

You got the big fucking glass ashtray

and went smack at his head.

- [MELINDA] I don't know where this violence comes from.

- For God's sake, he was from Scandinavia, he deserved it.

- [MELINDA] Then he tried to strangle her.

- Oh, strangle?

Well that runs in the family.

- What is this?

- Lots of men in the family try and strangle a woman.

- Don't even, mom, because you-

He fucking deserved it.

(gentle music)

- So what do you do?

You put a little bit of water in there,

you boil it till it dissolves.

- No, not until it dissolves.

Easy Mac, it's easy, Jack.

Thus the name "Easy Mac".

- Yeah, I've got that, but I never made it.

I don't think, actually I did it, I made it once.

- Shut up, this is what I lived off

all summer long on the bus

'cause I fucking hated catering.

Don't you remember?

- You lost 20 pounds how?

- I shit a lot, all right?

Leave me alone.

Easy Mac, I love Easy Mac.

Easy Mac loves me too.

Where you going?

- Up to my room.

- Please don't, sit with me, don't leave me.

Please .

So sit with me, I won't take long.

- Well, eat your Easy Mac quick.

- Why do people care so much who famous people date?

- [JACK] Because people like to know about famous people.

- How come no one gives a shit who you date?

- [JACK] 'Cause no one gives a shit about me.

- That's not true.

- Can I please have some?

- It's really hot.

I love Easy Mac.

I love Easy Mac.

- [JACK] Welcome to Kelly Osbourne's World Tour, "Shut Up".

Sponsored by Easy Mac.

(jazzy music)

- [Announcer] Next time on the Osbourne's.

- Everyone's in New York.

(Kelly screams)

It's been peaceful as hell around here.

(birds chirp)

I can breathe.

(cheerful music)

I'm just gonna do what I want to do today.

So when you coming home?

I miss you today.

- Are you peeing on me?

- Hello?

- Have you peed on me?

- Hello?

(cheerful music continues)

I fucking hate the taste of chocolate.

- [KELLY] Give it a fucking rest now for real.

(Sharon and Kelly laugh)

(mischievous music)

- Jack, I'll call you tomorrow.