Original subtitles

(cheerful banjo music)

- Hi, darling.

- Someone has been in my room

and taken my beers away from my room.

- [SHARON] I don't think so, darling.

- Ah.

- [SHARON] Who would do that?

- Uh...

- [SHARON] Who could possibly do that?

Who's the beer thief?

You, you're the beer thief.

- Uh...

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(exciting rock music)

- One.

Two.

This four.

Nice, slow move.

Nine, big three, big lift, it's 10.

Big day tomorrow.

Ozzy's birthday.

Five miles.

Four miles is the workout now.

Now, we're challenged tomorrow at five miles.

96.

98.

700.

You can do it, can't you?

- I'm gonna keep my try.

- Yeah.

We'll get there nice and early tomorrow.

Be nice and cool.

Just hope we don't have

the girls' volleyball team chasing us.

What is this, 54?

- 54 years of hell-raising.

(Pete laughs)

- Yeah, but you're in the best shape

for your hell-raising years now.

I think you coined the phrase,

"You gotta work hard and play hard", right?

- Yeah.

- That's what I'm talking about.

Okay. - Yeah, 54.

- Bring it on, right? - Bring it on.

We're running five miles.

I can't fucking wait.

I'm so stoked.

- [TONY] Check on there. Mr. BMW.

- So, what should I say?

- [TONY] He says probably the end of this week.

- Okay. - Or the beginning

or the middle of the week, he says,

but he's gonna call...

He's gonna call me back.

Well, I was just checking to see,

Mr. Osbourne's anxious to get his car.

Oh, no, we want it before this evening, Michael. (laughs)

- Just don't know...

- We'd like it before this evening.

- We'd like it before this afternoon.

- So, you are still 100 miles away?

- Well, put the fucking pedal to the metal.

(upbeat jazz music)

This feels fucking great.

(tires screech)

- [TONY] Got that smell of a new car, innit?

- [MICHAEL] Oh, yeah.

Actually, watch this.

(car beeps) Radio on.

(car beeps) (radio plays)

(Ozzy laughs) Voice recognition.

- Oh, thank God again. - All right, lovely.

Radio off.

(car beeps)

No more touching buttons. - Is it gonna understand

my accent? - Understands anybody.

Ask for the radio to turn on, Ozzy.

(car beeps)

- Turn on, please.

- [CAR] Center a destination first.

(car beeps) (Tony laughs)

- [MICHAEL] Actually, watch this.

(car beeps) Radio on.

(car beeps) (radio plays)

- [TONY] Yes, it was the opposite.

- Radio on.

Radio on. - Take it over.

- [CAR] Please say the name.

- Radio off.

- [CAR] Please repeat the name.

(car beeps) - Radio, radio.

(car beeps) - Nothing.

(car horn blares)

- [CAR] Telephone menu.

- Shut the fuck up.

(mysterious music)

Stolen from the local fucking cemetery.

- Ozzy.

Ozzy.

- Come in. - Hey.

- Come in. - Aw.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Ozzy.

- [GABRIEL] I'll have the music, if you want it.

- Thank you, Gabriel.

My angel.

Whose birthday is it tomorrow?

- [Tony] I wonder whose.

- I'm running for five miles tomorrow.

Five miles. - And what would you like

to do for your birthday?

- We're running five miles.

- Oh, Daddy.

Daddy, you remembered me.

I didn't see you.

I didn't see you hardly yesterday or today.

I woke up and you'd gone. - Would you believe it?

Picking up his fourth award this afternoon.

(machine beeps) - Oh.

What's this mean?

- It's a bit risky, don't touch it.

(machine beeps) - Ozzy.

(upbeat jazz music)

(peaceful music)

(birds chirp)

- [TONY] They're both yours.

- Oh, it's a stopwatch.

- No, that's the watch that you put on your wrist

and it constantly takes your heartbeat as you're jogging.

So, you look at it. - Heart monitor.

It's a heart monitor and it tells you

what your heart's beating at

the whole time you're running around the track.

- Reads it off your radio pulse here.

See?

- No, no, you'll be able to see that

because it's really big.

The display's really big.

We might have to do this the next time you go.

- So push.

- No, it's a heart monitor. - So push.

- That's it, we're done.

- He said he wanted to go at six in the morning.

I said, "All right, let's go."

Yeah, we're just cooling down.

I just had a little turkey, you know.

How do you feel?

Nothing to it, right?

(Tony laughs)

- Hey, he's ready. - Oh, yeah.

Little Pete-approved concoction here.

Get him fired up for the five mile birthday run.

(exciting music)

(Pete laughs)

What's up with this, huh?

Huh?

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

This might take us a while to get there.

Has it got any speed?

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

(Tony laughs)

You want to take one more slice of turkey?

- [OZZY] No.

- Voice recognition, too. - Oh, is that right?

- [OZZY] Radio on.

- Radio on.

(car beeps) (radio plays)

- [PETE] So, Tony, this is voice recognition.

To whose voice, though, your voice?

- [TONY] Anybody's.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- [OZZY] Radio on.

- [TONY] I've got to press this first.

Let me see it. - Radio on, radio on.

- Pardon me? - Radio up.

- [PETE] It's talking back to you now.

- [CAR] Radio menu.

- I don't want the fucking radio menu.

(car beeps) (radio plays)

Fucking hell.

(car beeps)

Fuck off.

(Pete laughs)

- [CAR] Telephone menu.

(Pete laughs)

- Oh, man.

- [CAR] Your phone is on.

Would you like to remain in the telephone menu?

- No.

(car beeps) (radio plays)

Radio off.

- [TONY] All right, press this first.

(car beeps) - Fuck off.

- [CAR] Please state your message.

(Pete laughs) - Fuck off.

- [CAR] Pardon me?

(Ozzy laughs)

Do you wish to record another note?

- Yeah, fuck off.

- Please state your message. - Fuck off.

(mysterious music)

- [PETE] Wanna get another bite of turkey before you fly?

- No.

- And then here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna count off mile increments.

Not a half mile.

We got 20 laps, so we'll just count 'em off and-

- [OZZY] 21 laps.

- Well, I don't count the walking lap.

- [OZZY] Uh...

- [PETE] How's the back?

Heating up a little bit?

(Ozzy groans)

You can do this, man.

You can do it.

If you just breathe properly and stand upright,

you got the endurance to do this.

Just warming the wheels.

Just warming the wheels right now.

Your sneaks laced up the way you like 'em?

How the legs feel? - Great.

- Back? - Great.

- Okay, well, you know, this is the day to do it.

Right here, I'm gonna hand it to you like that every time.

And just squeeze it, boom.

Give it a punch.

There you go.

See?

Okay, just go nice and easy to start.

Slowly walk your hands back

and just breathe out.

(phone rings) Calling him back.

- Hello. (Pete laughs)

Oh, Hardy, how are you doing?

Getting ready to do five miles on the track,

Hardy. (laughs) - Okay.

Just take your time.

Wanna take a seat?

(phone rings)

Put your right foot on. - Hello.

Well, I'm kind of at the track right now.

Getting ready to jog around the track here, me and Ozzy.

(phone rings) - Just takes

all these muscles. - Turn that fucking

phone off, Tony. - Anyway, I've gotta go now.

- Turn it off. - All right, bye.

Bye.

- Get rid of it. - It's off, it's off.

(upbeat jazz music)

No, don't! (laughs)

- Okay, this is the day to do it.

It's cool out.

There's no sun banging on us.

Tony's got his Olympic training gear on.

And crawl, walk, and then run.

Start off slow.

Just get your breathing down, get your movement down

and slowly pick up, and then we go.

Okay.

Just nice and easy.

Birthday today, five miles.

All you gotta do is glide.

Just glide.

You're fit, you're athletic.

That's the good stuff, Ozzy.

This is right here, this is a benchmark.

This guy doing five miles on his 54th birthday.

This is big news.

Lengthen your stride, lengthen your stride now.

- Stop here. - Let's just stop.

- I can't do that. - Maybe.

- [OZZY] 20,000 or something.

- [PETE] It's not the shoe.

- The shoe I wore yesterday. - Yeah.

Does it hurt when you walk?

- [OZZY] I got up wrong this morning.

I got up wrong this morning.

- [TONY] Well, let's just walk.

- [OZZY] Probably another day.

- [TONY] Let's just walk some quick laps.

- [PETE] It's those new shoes yesterday?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna break it now.

- It's the top of your foot, huh?

- It's just everything, I got up late.

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

That fucking...

Fucking...

I won't...

- But let's work on that foot, rest that foot one day.

We'll get it tomorrow.

- Yeah, okay.

- We'll get it tomorrow, that's all.

We'll just put it off a day.

Don't step on here.

I don't want you to tweak your ankle.

We'll get it tomorrow. - I know, it's just...

- You'll just be able to prepare yourself, you know,

if you want to hit this tomorrow.

You know?

- Okay. - It's up to you.

We'll play it by ear.

Don't apologize to me.

You ran a mile and three quarters.

You didn't stop for lack of conditioning.

You know, you wore a shoe yesterday

that irritated your foot.

Maybe we'll just put a bandaid over that area there.

- Just kind of bruised, you know.

- Yeah.

- Radio on.

- [CAR] Pardon me?

- Radio on.

- [TONY] Radio on.

(car beeps) (radio plays)

- [PETE] Well, but you know what?

Big round of applause for coming out here

and putting forth the effort.

(radio increases volume)

♪ It's these expressions I never give ♪

♪ That keep me searching for a heart of gold ♪

♪ And I'm getting old ♪

(piano music)

- Ozz, these gifts are here for you.

(bubble wrap pops)

(phone rings) (Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

The Second World War, look.

Winston Churchill, first issue.

- I got up on the wrong foot

this morning. - Yeah.

- Pete, he never shuts the fuck up.

- Pete. - Never stops.

- You know what I've noticed, too?

I don't know if you've noticed it.

I never see him drinking water.

- I didn't really notice. - Yeah, he doesn't

drink water.

- [OZZY] He never sweats.

He never takes a piss.

He never eats or drinks.

Pete is not human. - Bionic.

- He's an alien.

He's the devil personified.

He's talking all the fucking time.

Running, he never goes for a piss or he never sweats.

- [TONY] Never drinks.

- Never drinks.

I'm gasping for fucking oxygen.

He never gets out of breath.

He's a fucking alien, man.

- [TONY] How old is he?

- 17.

(upbeat music)

I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

I'm permanently here, Sharon.

I ain't fucking joking.

(mysterious music)

- Ozzy.

At least come outside a minute.

- [JACK] Dad, no, no, it's really important,

it's really important. - Look up at the sky.

- What does it say? - Ozzy.

- It's gonna, the rest is...

- It's crap. - No, it's not.

It's just, it's so far up.

(overlapping chatter)

- [JACK] I think it's great.

I'd be happy. - To have your name

written five miles up in the sky.

I think it's brilliant.

- Yeah. - You're miserable.

- It's better than having it written

five feet under. - All right,

I'm gonna make him write 54 now.

(all laugh)

- Oh, Sharon, you're so beautiful.

- Is that it? - Maggie, did you wake up?

- [TONY] He's gonna crash now.

(Sharon laughs)

(dog barks) - Look, he's taking the piss.

- Dad, you see the fireworks that I got?

- No.

- I got proper fireworks. - I'll see you all

in a little bit, then.

- Like, we'll shoot up and go boom.

- Whoa.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Happy birthday. - Thank you very much.

- Did you see the cake from Larry King?

- No, no, no.

- We've got something for you, Ozz.

- You don't like cake?

- Of course I like cake, but I'm training.

- You ready?

- Oh, that's great.

- This thing flew into the office.

(upbeat guitar music)

- [SHARON] That's an unbelievable fucking cake.

- I love it. - Isn't it amazing?

- [SHARON] Oh, Eddie.

- Eddie. - Can I have a piece

of this cake, then?

- [SHARON] Oh, not yet.

- No, come on. - No, no, no.

- [OZZY] It's my cake.

(all cheer)

- Hip hip.

- [All] Hooray.

- Dad. - Hip hip.

- [All] Hooray.

- Dada!

- Blow 'em out.

They ain't gonna go out themselves.

Don't forget to make a wish. (all laugh)

- [TONY] Give him a squeeze round the arms.

(all laugh)

(all cheer)

- You guys. (dogs bark)

- Oi.

Oi.

Break it up.

(woman screams)

Don't cry.

(woman screams)

- Careful. - Who was that?

- All right, that's it. - No, get out.

- So bad. - What's going on?

- They don't like new baby, okay, okay, okay.

(overlapping chatter)

(dog whines) - Come on, come on.

I was just about to smack you over the head

with a rolled up newspaper.

- You, Lola, (dog barks)

are gonna go outside and watch the fire.

- [KELLY] Yeah, let's go watch the fireworks.

- [JACK] Brother, we gonna light some fireworks.

Yeah. - Yeah.

- Safety first. - Yeah.

- You guys need to have a safe distance of like right here.

Right here is good.

(firework whooshes) - What's that?

- Where the hell are they? - Stand back.

- Where's the viewing area? (fireworks bang)

- Oh, I don't trust you. (Jack laughs)

- Right here is good.

Right here is perfect, yeah.

- Are you sure? - I'm very sure.

- Why are they going in the pool?

- Because we're launching them in the pool.

They're gonna be shooting right up there.

- Well, at least that's...

Actually, it's a good idea to stand by the pool,

'cause we can just dive in. - Exactly.

Come on, guys.

- Is it cold or hot? - Where's Louis?

- [JACK] They're gonna be going right up.

- Okay, go on then, do it.

(airplane roars)

- [JACK] How we gonna do this, okay?

- Stick to the original plan,

original plan. - Okay.

Three, two...

Oh, God! - Oh, God.

(fireworks whoosh) Whoa! (laughs)

(firework crackles)

Get the last one.

Oh, God.

(both laugh)

(firework whooshes)

- Wow.

- That's bad for the ozone layer.

- Professional, my fat arse.

Those were shit. - And the other balloon.

That's bad. - Get balloons, come on.

- Rock and roll. (fireworks crackle)

- Let the balloons...

Do we have the scissors so we can cut the bottom off?

- Jack, be careful. - Dude, don't put

your face in it.

- All right, come on, Daddy, wish, wish, wish.

(Ozzy yells)

(ethereal music)

Go on, let 'em go.

Wish, wish, wish.

Come on, Daddy, wish, wish, wish.

- Run, run, run for your life.

(all cheer) - Go, Ozzy.

One more to go.

One more, hon!

- Five miles.

Five miles, Tony.

54, run for your life.

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

Run for your life. - But you're like wine, man.

You get better with age.

- 'Cause you can't hit a moving target, man.

(car beeps)

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly) - Yeah.

- This car fucking argues with me now.

- [CAR] Telephone menu.

- I don't want the fucking telephone menu,

you fucking moron.

- [CAR] Pardon me?

- Oh, don't start.

You gonna give me a hard time this morning?

- [CAR] Please repeat your entry or say options.

- Fuck off.

- [CAR] Please say telephone on,

select number or name. - I don't want...

I don't want... - Telephone book.

I do not want... - Redial.

- Shut the fuck up. - Or update telephone book.

- Take five, man.

I've got the wife that nags me.

Now I've got the fucking car that nags me.

(upbeat jazz music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes".

- I'm going with Ozzy to Hawaii.

- You wanna come party tonight?

- It's going to be like "Risky Business".

I'm gonna come back to nothing.

- Yeah, we're gonna be real good.

(rock music)

- You treat this house like a fucking club, Jack.

- Yeah!

- He is such a selfish asshole.

- Fuck you, Kelly.

I will knock the bitch out.

- No, no hitting. (woman screams)

- Hit me, hit me, hit me.

- Hey, Jack!

I'll call you tomorrow.