Original subtitles

(Ozzy speaking German)

(Ozzy speaking German)

(tutor speaking German)

- Why don't you say that again.

(tutor speaking German)

(Ozzy speaking German)

- Oh my God.

It'll be on in Germany in the 19th of January, okay.

I can't say that fucking shit.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ But maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

(paws scratching)

(paws scratching)

(paws scratching)

- She's stressing, you stressing.

- No, I have a flea bites. - From where?

- From where else Ozzy (chuckles)

Friday I was here.

I came home Saturday and started like crazy itching

and my husband was asking me very strange questions.

"Where you been?"

Well, nowhere, I was at work.

- It's a six minute flea.

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] Have you ever watched the movie "Deliverance?"

- Yeah, it's so good. - What's it about?

- It's not a documentary,

but it's all like based on like hillbillies and redneck.

- It scared me so much when I first saw that movie.

- Yeah, it's pretty fucking scary.

- What's it about? - Bend over and-

- It's about these guys that go,

what is it, white water rafting-

- Yeah. - Somewhere in the south.

- Like Alabama or something.

- And then they come up,

they meet these hillbillies in the forest

and these hillbillies tie them to a tree and fuck them and-

- It seems like a documentary but it really isn't.

(Jack clears throat)

- If you had to go somewhere and it was white water rafting

or go down the Amazon,

or go into the outback in Australia.

(gentle rhythmic drumming) (insects chirping)

- I'd go down the Amazon.

- No fucking way.

- I've had friends that have done that.

- They've got bugs that they don't even know

what their names are there's so many of 'em.

- I always wanted to go to Brazil

'cause it's like crazy style down there.

There's like one plant that's in the Amazon

if you rub against it,

it'd like make you see fire like constantly

and you'd be like, whoa fire.

Like, everything's like fire.

It's crazy.

- I am not one with nature with fucking mosquitoes,

and spiders, and creepy crawlies up your arse.

I couldn't deal that.

Anything that would lay an egg in you, forget.

(suspensful music)

- Whoa. - What?

- It is yellow flea.

(suspensful music)

- [JACK] It's on your finger.

(suspensful music)

- No it's not.

- [JACK] Wait, lift up your hand,

turn your hand over.

Over like facing up.

There it is.

(suspensful music)

- There it's dead. - Whoa.

- Yellow flea. - It was a yellow flea.

Now bitch be dead.

(suspensful music)

- Where are you going, Kel? - Philadelphia.

- [SHARON] For how long?

- I'm gonna fly back from Boston for three days.

- For when? - I wanna go to see birds.

- Who's going with you? - No one.

- You cannot go on your own.

- Why?

- Because you can't do that, Kelly.

How are you traveling, on his tour bus?

Kelly you're just 18 and,

I'm not saying you can't go,

but you just have to take somebody with you.

- Like what do you mean somebody,

like if Sarah comes with me?

- No, I'm not talking about Sarah who will get naked-

- I'm not taking a security guard with me.

You cannot do that to me,

I have a life.

That's like me being in prison 24/7, mum,

you can't do that to me.

You cannot do that to me.

- All right Kel, you just go

and I'll leave you get to the airport

and I'll just leave you do.

- Don't do that.

- [SHARON] I don't mind, you go on your own,

experience life in the raw.

- Don't talk to me, you're being a bitch.

- [SHARON] Get in a nice yellow, dirty cab-

- Fuck off. - That takes you

the longest way to get to the airport.

Get out, have nobody meet you,

let 'em go through your bags

and get on and sit right at the back

in the middle of four people.

- No mom, I don't- - You don't think you have to.

- No, I don't-

- [SHARON] I think you need the real world.

- Mom, I don't need a security guard with me when I go out,

I don't.

- I don't think you should either.

I don't think you should ever have one.

And I think that you should also go

backpacking around the world for a year.

(gentle music)

- Please be serious with me.

If you wanna go to India or Thailand.

- I don't wanna go to India or Thailand.

- Korea. - Or Korea.

- Korea is great. - I fucking hate Korea.

- [SHARON] Backpacking in hostels.

There's a great journal to get on hostels.

- Yeah, you fucking sent me out in Korea

to get your goddamn fake Louis Vuitton bags

in the ghetto in Korea, fuck you.

- [SHARON] Stop it, don't you make out like-

- Oh my God, you made me do that for your career,

but you won't lemme fly your fucking.

- [SHARON] I have absolutely said you can go,

I have witnesses.

- Well, regardless, you can't really stop me.

- I want you to go.

- No I'm not going fucking backpacking anywhere, mom,

I'm a fucking.

Why are you being such a twat.

- Because I've just decided that I must get real,

I must get back to basics.

- Fuck you. - It's very important.

- [KELLY] Fuck you, maybe you should, mom.

- Where are you going to stay, Motel Six?

- Oh no, mom,

I'm gonna get a room at the Four Seasons,

a suite in fact.

No mom, just stop.

- [SHARON] You're not staying in hotels,

you're staying on a bus.

And where are you gonna wash?

- As if I'd fucking shower as it is, please,

I haven't showered in three days.

- [SHARON] I hope you don't have your period.

- Oh my God, you're making me sick.

- Would be nice if you could arrange

to have in fact your period whilst you're on the bus.

- You need to stop, I'm not kidding.

(Sharon laughing)

Dad, what do you think about me getting my nose pierced?

- You told her that old fashioned.

- That's what I said,

I think it's so dated.

I don't want you to come back

with somebody's name tattooed on you.

- I would never do that.

- No. - First.

- Dad, I'm not that dumb.

That's retarded.

- Nothing on your face pierced Kelly, please.

It leaves a hole,

you'll get older and you'll have a hole in your face.

- [OZZY] Honestly Kelly, don't get a tattoo because-

- I already have a tattoo, dad.

- Oh.

(gentle music)

(gentle music)

- How the hell am I gonna get this little guy in the garden?

- Let me see how much it weighs?

Oh, here, wait Robert, hold on.

- I think you need Dave and Stan.

- Dude, we don't need Dave, fuck Dave.

(Sharon laughing)

Ah shit.

- Here, wait, wait.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, put it like this.

- We need Dave and Stan, let's-

- Yeah, we'll do it like this.

- That's too tall.

- Hello, hello.

- Oh, that's really good, boys.

- Yeah. - Come on.

- Just open up all the doors real quick, now go.

Move, move, move, move, move, move.

Quick mom, where do you want it?

- Right here. - Don't slip in dog shit.

- Where? - Here.

- In the plants?

Or just right here? - No, right just there.

(Jack and Robert grunting)

(dog barking)

Now is that safe there do you think boys?

- Yeah, it's just gonna fall over

'cause it's squaredish. - That's chill.

- No, put it there by that path.

- Which one? - Pick up from the knees.

From the knees.

- [SHARON] Yeah, bend.

- Watch the balls.

- Good?

- No, no, no, no.

Lola's gonna fucking sniff it and it's gonna fall.

- Okay.

Oh, my freaking back.

(dog barking)

Good. - That's good.

- I think maybe we need it in the other bush (laughs).

- That thing weighs 200 fucking pounds.

(people laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Kelly, I love you so much

that I am gonna come to Philadelphia.

- Take your head out of your arse

you fucking evil woman.

- Maybe I could get up and sing too with the band.

How's this looking Kel?

- Yeah really good with the fucking Chanel mom

and the Fendi sunglasses,

you really fit in.

♪ Well my trouble is hard, so hard ♪

♪ Well my trouble is hard, so hard ♪

♪ Well my trouble is hard, so hard ♪

♪ Yes indeed my trouble is hard ♪

- Why are you still itching your arse

when you've been washed - They've got a flea.

- But they were washed yesterday

and de-flead. - Darling, darling,

we've got no army to fight the fucking bugs.

(majestic music)

(majestic music)

(gentle music)

- Please stop crying.

Why are you crying?

- [SHARON] 'Cause I should be with you.

- You are not crying, are you?

What?

You should be happy,

you shouldn't be fucking crying.

Why didn't you cry when you put me on the fucking road?

- Mom, look, this is the picture.

- Oh, how nice, Kelly (sniffs).

- Mom, please don't cry,

I can't handle it if you cry.

- [SHARON] Minnie's sad too, look at her (sniffs).

- He's only sad because you are sad.

Be happy.

(upbeat music)

Please leave my stuff alone.

I fucking beg you.

(gentle music)

(Sharon chuckling)

You just mooched through all of my shit,

nicking and picking at stuff

and organizing and just making it worse.

Will you stop going through my shit,

just leave it alone.

(gentle music)

Stop going through my bag, I fucking beg you

'cause you're only gonna find things in there

that you don't wanna see.

(gentle music)

Get out of my goddamn bag and move on.

- There's nothing in this one (laughs).

(gentle music)

(engine purring)

(majestic music)

- I'm sat there with like probably about

700 grands worth of jewelry on.

I've got my designer tracksuit on

and I am covered in flea bites

and I just started to laugh.

- Those don't belong on the bed, Sharon.

- I know, but I can't keep them off in my bed,

it's the fucking couch.

- You have to get rid of that mattress

because then they'll breed in the mattress.

- [SHARON] It's the mattress and that sofa.

- That sofa has gotta be burnt and-

- [SHARON] Burnt at the stake like a witch.

- Sacrificials.

That should be our Friday night sacrifice to the Gods.

What the fuck am I talking about?

- [JACK] Let's just shave them.

- Get a fucking planter and get it over with man.

- The nurse was putting in my thingy today

and it was right by a flea bite

and I'm thinking, what is she gonna think?

- Is she living in a leper camp in the-

- I know that we're giving it away,

we're giving the whole lot away.

- I can feel these viruses-

- [JACK] We're giving the kitchen away Osbourne please.

- What the fuck am I talking about?

- Just eat the fucking cake, Ozzy.

(gentle music)

(suspensful music)

Do you have flea bites too? - Yeah,

- I was going- - I couldn't understand

why is that I'm itching, and itching, and itching.

I lift my pants and I said, "What is that?"

My husband, "Where you've been?"

- I said, I never-

- Oh no, it's a dog, it's the Osbournes,

they're carrying flees. - Yeah.

It's itchy. - It's so bad.

I've got one here that is driving me insane.

My whole leg here I've got like 15 of them,

I counted them on this leg alone.

- Now mine is from here to here

and from here to here.

- I think it's from these chairs and couches.

- Maybe, I was sitting there. - Yeah, it's from there.

Tony, I think we should just have it all removed tomorrow.

I've ordered new. - Okay.

- [SHARON] But let's just get it out

'cause it stinks like. - Yah, I'm like itching

like no tomorrow.

- Oh no, it's like a fucking torture.

(upbeat music)

(engine purring)

(upbeat music)

Kelly. - Yeah.

- All right, get in here.

- [KELLY] Look.

- [SHARON] Have you had your nose pierced?

- Yeah.

- [SHARON] Well it looks like a bogey

on the side of your nose, Kelly.

- Oh God, now she's gonna cry, mom.

- Please take it out.

- Fuck off, I like it.

- Is it black?

- No, it's just got blood on it.

- Kelly.

- [KELLY] What?

It's cute, I'm young.

- I mean you've got the perfect nose,

you don't want a hole in your fucking nose,

Kelly, please take it out. - No.

- I'm gonna have you take it out.

- [KELLY] No mom, leave me alone.

- [SHARON] Kelly, you will be so upset as you get older

and you've got a big hole in your nose

that nothing can cover up.

You'll be heartbroken. - No.

- No Kelly, please, please, please go take it away

Please Kelly. - No.

- [SHARON] I'm really asking you nicely.

- No.

I like it.

- How about if I ask you horribly?

- [KELLY] Mom.

- You will regret having that thing-

- Well it's too late now. - On your face.

No, it's not too late to take it out now

because it will close up.

- No. - Please Kelly.

- Mom, I like it.

I'm 18, there's nothing that you can do.

- It's terrible Kelly.

- But then I'm gonna get a chain

that goes through my ear to my nose.

- Please Kelly, I'm really asking you seriously

before your father sees it.

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] You like Kelly's nose ring?

- She got a nose ring?

- I don't know.

- Fucking hell.

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)

(suspensful music)

(birds chirping)

(majestic music)

(drums beating)

(majestic music)

(majestic music continues)

- Oh better.

- We really disinfected here

to try to make it offensive to the dogs.

I mean, don't you think your colors are scrumptious

with the tile and all of that?

- It will soon fucking change.

- Yeah, Ozzy how long will it last?

But that's the way we leave it.

I can't stop them,

but at least we can sit here without being flea bitten

and smelling of piss.

- Wang, wang, wang, wang.

Which one pissed on the couch?

(upbeat music)

Marty, Marty was it you?

Which one of you pissed?

See I give you the best seat in the house

and what do you do to me?

Piss on my fucking couch, man.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

This couch is like a venus fly trap.

(upbeat music)

- I'm not gonna tell you what I just did

because you're gonna be, "See, see."

- Why, what did you just do?

- I forgot that my nose ring was in

and I can see something on my face out the corner of my eye

and I flicked my face

thinking there a bug on my face or something

and it like ripped my nose.

- And let me just see.

But you see it looks like a black head.

- No it doesn't.

It's just 'cause it's the smallest ring.

I'll get a hoop and a chain.

A Tiffany chain.

- I'm gonna throw up.

(upbeat music)

- [OZZY] For fuck sake, man.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- Big day tomorrow.

Ozz's birthday.

- We're running five miles.

(upbeat music)

Bring it home.

- This is right here, this is a benchmark.

This guy doing five miles on his 54th birthday.

This is big news.

- This thing flew into the office.

- Hip hip. - Hooray.

- What? - Yeah.

- Five miles Tony .

Run for your life

because you can't hit a moving target then.

(dramatic music)

I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

(quirky music)

Go sit on a fucking park bench.