Original subtitles

(enchanting music)

- I'm tired of this fucking thing.

It's driving me mental. (enchanting music)

(Ozzy stomps)

(jazz music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat 50's style music)

(dogs bark)

- I'm back.

Look, I'm back. I'm home.

Dog turd.

Is there shit on my shoe? - No.

- Oh, where? - It's all over the heel.

- Oh, fuck, man.

I'm fucking sick and tired of shit fucking shit.

Everywhere I go this fucking shit!

It's driving me fucking mental!

I mean, I live in a $9 million turd.

Look at the lawn.

!here they've been pissing on the lawn.

All my earn money and throw it in the fucking fire.

Look at the lawn.

Look right here as she pissed.

I think I'm gonna buy a crocodile

to eat all the fucking animals.

Do you know what keeps getting me?

The fucking dog crap, man.

Dogs carry fucking bugs, man.

And your immune system drops in this fucking house.

It's like, got a fucking sewer

at the best of time.

What's gonna happen,

fly's gonna land in shit and go into the bedroom.

- But she's promised me

she will not have the dog on the bed.

- Come on darling, get the hell down there.

Sorry, sweetheart.

You can't, you can't do.

Stay down there, sweetheart.

I love you, darling. Stay down there.

You can't go.

No, you can't.

No, no, no, no, Mag.

No, no, no, no. (jazz music)

- Magdalena just lie still here,

like a good girl.

Just lie still. - No, Magdalena, you can't,

you can't here. - Lie still.

There's a good girl.

- What's the point you fucking touching her

and fucking you gonna touch your mouth.

I don't want dogs on the bed, Sharon,

'cause they carry bugs really.

You, believe me,

you do not want to get an infection at this time, Sharon.

You do not want to get any bugs, Sharon.

Get out!

I'm sick to death treading dog shit.

(jazz music) Dog shit.

(Indistinct) cigar.

Cigarette butt.

Smoke ventilater. (mystery music)

- Here's the Heinz storage.

You gotta hide them.

They go quick.

Robert's first beans on toast.

It's a historic event. (upbeat music)

- [ROBERT] Hot. - Hot

(upbeat music) Yeah.

This is beans on toast and it's on its finest.

I'm working Robert to a proper English breakfast.

- [ROBERT] It's like tomato soup with beans.

- Yeah. - It's good stuff.

- Robert went to school with Amy

and Kelly when we first moved to America.

He was always super, super nice to them.

His mom got sick.

She passed away from cancer.

He has no family.

So we've taken him in.

- The thing isn't hooked up yet.

I'm not feeling the purple.

Just not feeling it. (upbeat music)

This is my closet.

Ah, yes.

And this is the Chinese love bed.

It's Chinese and it's for love making.

(upbeat music)

- This is it now.

Not one more fucking fly.

Not a fucking, nothing with bread.

I love every dog I see

and every animal I see.

The smell is like something from hell.

It takes a human form

and sorta chases you around the house.

I wish somebody would invent a dog that didn't shit.

That'd be great.

Lola, no more shit, please.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

Wow, you got a spot for where the dog shit picture goes.

You got a picture of the shovel.

The kitchen needs a try.

Great photos, guys.

- [STAFF] Yeah they are nice.

They did a nice job.

- Let's see. Why don't I get rid of the dogs now

I keep the photographs

because the photographs don't stink.

- Poor Lulu looks more like a little

potbellied pig every day.

I know, Lulu. I know.

- All right, let's get you up to bed

and then if you want one, I'll bring it to you up there.

- Thank you. I've got my magazine.

Where's Minnie?

Is she still out?

Minnie! - I thought she came in.

- Oh, she's here.

Come on Princess. Come on.

- Does she still go in your room with you?

- She sleeps under the bed.

If you start to mind that you've had it.

- Can mom get sick from the dogs?

(dogs bark)

- The doctors did say

that the dog shouldn't be on the bed with her

just because they can carry so much,

you know, bacteria and stuff.

- But she can pick them up and stuff.

- Yeah.

- Lulu, just shut up.

- [SHARON] Where you going?

- I'm gonna hop around the garden,

step on some dog shit,

and go insane just to start the day off.

I just tread in fucking shit again, I think.

(housekeeper laughs)

- [HOUSEKEEPER] You step in something?

- No, did you?

- I'm sick and tired of fucking dog shit, man.

Look, don't touch the dogs and touch your mom.

Don't touch the fucking piece of shit

and then touch your mom.

I'm walking around with fucking,

I'm walking around with bottles of this crap

to be sterilized.

I got a bag full of this shit.

I don't touch anything without touching,

cleaning my hands before I touch her.

Her immune system is down to fucking zero you know.

I'm fucking, I just get pissed off

when nobody listens to me.

It's not a fucking joke.

Everything around here is contaminated.

You gotta wash your hands

and you gotta sterilize them

before you touch my wife, right.

You've gotta be vigilant with the hygiene thing.

- What is that, Mini,

that I am just pulled.

(Kelly screams)

- She's got dry poo on her!

I told you they were disgusting!

Just pull it off!

Just pull it off!

- I can't 'cause every time I pull it off

it gets mushier on my fingers.

- [KELLY] You're disgusting.

- There must be scissors in here.

This is an office for god's sake.

- I know what we have here.

- What? On no! The shit is still in there!

(Kelly screams) - Ah! It stinks so bad.

It smells!

- I think you got that toot.

Look and it's all shatty.

- [KELLY] Oh my God, you're making me sick.

- [SHARON] I'm sorry for the humiliation.

(rock music)

- Don't throw it like that.

Like throw it like a floater.

(rock music)

- Keep you're head down.

(rock music) (object thuds)

- All right my turn now.

(rock music)

Ready, dude. Ready.

(rock music)

(Jack and Robert laugh)

- [ROBERT] (Indistinct). - Cool dude. It's cool.

- [ROBERT] Yeah.

- Robert. - What?

- We have to go look in the guest house.

- Okay. - Because I want to see

what's going on in there.

- Okay. - Okay.

(upbeat music) (dogs bark)

- I don't want these floral pictures.

- No, they'll come down now.

Now, where do you want the bed moved to?

- Over there. - We need a rug,

a new sofa, a coffee table.

Okay, come on. We're going shopping.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

(upbeat music)

♪ Welcome to the family ♪

♪ We're rock n roll and royalty ♪

♪ Just ask and yes you will receive ♪

♪ Fancy threads and Chinese beds ♪

♪ Four minus sum we got the bread ♪

♪ Anything you can come see ♪

♪ Could it be ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ We'll have the greatest time ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ It will be comfort on my dime ♪

♪ Doesn't matter I don't care ♪

♪ We'll shop most anywhere ♪

♪ It feels like Christmas time in May ♪

♪ Final purchase ♪

♪ Time to go ♪

♪ Sure hope you're happy ♪

♪ Say it's so ♪

♪ Nothing but the best today ♪

- When she has the chemotherapy,

it totally zaps the immune system.

And so everything's around your mom's contaminated.

Whether I'm have over reacting or not, I know,

but I just gotta get the point across

how fucking severe this fucking thing is, you know?

- [JACK] Totally.

- It's not a fucking joke, dude.

She better fucking have nothing really serious happen.

I'm sure it won't.

I'll see you when I get back.

- Bye, dad. I love you.

(upbeat music)

Mom, no, Mom! You're not going out!

- Jack, stop it!

- Don't Mom!

- Jack, stop it. - Mom!

- I'm going out. - No, you're not.

- I've got an appointment.

- So fucking what, it can be canceled.

- Jack, I am not dying. - Mom,

you are sick. - A cripple.

- Mom, wait, what did you just have done today?

Oh yeah, chemotherapy, wow.

- Jack, it's nothing. - Wow, yeah.

- It doesn't even affect you till two days afterwards.

- Yeah, but how about, you know,

maybe if you rest a little before those two days after

it won't be as bad.

You know why you got sick last time

is 'cause you're going out.

- No, I didn't go out.

I haven't been out for a month, Jack.

I wanna go to dinner with my girlfriends, please.

That's all I'm doing.

I don't wanna stay in bed.

- Well, you know what? Fine.

Fuck off then.

- Oh, that's really mean, Jack.

- You know what's really mean, mom,

you don't fucking listen to us.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- [SHARON] I felt so good yesterday, Kelly.

I felt like my old self.

- You did? - [SHARON] I did.

I wanted to stay out all night.

- I was pissed off when Jack was bitching 'cause I was like,

just give it a fucking rest.

If she wants to go out,

let her go out. - He doesn't understand.

It's all so much for him.

He doesn't understand that I just felt so good

I just wanted to go out and like,

have fun with the girls and just be silly again.

Hi.

- Don't let him lick your face, Sharon.

Please don't. - What? Let them lick me?

- Don't let them lick you cause they have fucking bug.

You got a low immune system, Sharon.

- And you Luly.

Aw. - Please don't,

your handling the dog

and you're gonna touch your mouth,

you're gonna get a fucking bug.

Please don't. Please don't.

She's just been licking her butt, Sharon.

(dog barks)

Let's goo for a walk around the garden, Sharon,

so you get some air in you.

(dog barks) - Hi! Hi!

(tranquil music) (birds chirp)

Oh, fucking dog shit, man.

(Sharon laughs)

There's too many fucking dogs, man.

- [FRIEND] Oh, I know.

- Everywhere I go there's dog shit.

The lawn is just, have you seen the lawn?

They'll be trying to find a place to build

a small pound sort of with a concrete floor, fence,

and an air conditioned little shed thing where they can go.

- Do you want something very temporarily put up?

- Well, so it's decent.

It's gotta be cool for the dogs,

remain cool for the dogs or they'll bake.

We'll go to a shady place.

- Okay. I can just put up a fence going across there

and a fence going over to there

and that would be okay?

Let 'em have this whole area?

- Yeah, okay.

If you can get off a kennel or-

- Do you wanna lid to it?

- A dog house where they can go and get under some shade.

- Well, they can go in here and be still in the shade.

This does stay shady all day long.

- Okay. - This is out the,

this is the most sun this area gets.

- Okay.

(upbeat music) - [CONTRACTOR] Okay.

Ozzy was just asking for a dog kennel.

- Yep. - He wants to pin up the dogs

and have 'em in a nice little area.

- No fucking way.

- Ozzy, I'm gonna leave some of the vaccine here

'cause the nurses are here.

- [OZZY] Yeah. - And if you have people

that are gonna be coming on a regular basis

then they can, the nurses can do that.

- So this is the deal,

if you want come into the house on a regular basis,

you've gotta have a flu shot.

♪ I was feeling ♪

- [OZZY] Line up! Butts out!

(upbeat music)

♪ I asked my family doctor just what I had ♪

- Mini, you're gonna have one too.

♪ I said doctor ♪

- [SHARON] I don't have to have one of those do I?

- [FRIEND 2] No, it's everybody else.

- Because of you everyone else does though.

- Have you guys gotten your flu shots?

(upbeat music)

Guinness, it's not for me, for my wife.

It's got lots of iron.

In English hospitals, they used to give it to patients.

Is that too much for you, Sharon?

- No, it's fine.

- It'll make me feel happy, if you could drink all that.

So, so good for you. - I'll try.

- Guinness a day keeps the doctor away.

(mischievous music)

Now, fuck off Guy, Gus, Jim, Bill,

whatever your fucking name is.

Your name's gonna be dead if you touch this chicken.

Don't go near my chicken, do you understand?

Don't even go there.

Fuck off! (mischievous music)

(chicken sizzles) (mischievous music)

We have lift off.

You can fuck off. (mischievous music)

Now don't, look at me. Fuck off.

(mischievous music)

Don't even think about it.

Now fuck off! (mischievous music)

- Hi, guys.

Hi guys. Hi, how you doing?

(mischievous music)

- Come on, Sharon, it stinks like shit out here.

- You wanna see the nuclear explosion on Lola?

(Jack grunts) (Robert laughs)

- She almost bit your hand.

(Jack screams) (upbeat music)

♪ Hello world there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

(Jack moans)

♪ Here we go driving together ♪

♪ We spend a little loving and we keep moving on ♪

♪ Something always happens whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling when we're singing a song ♪

♪ Travel along there's a song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin' is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

- Thanks doc. - Okay.

- Is the doggy coming?

- We have to call Amy.

Yeah, but you have to wait till dinner.

No, you have to wait till dinner.

I'm not telling you.

No, you have to.

I'm not telling you now.

We have to wait till dinner.

No, but it's exciting for me.

So wait until, wait until dinner.

I'm not telling you now.

(jazz music)

All right, I went to the doctor today.

My blood work is completely clear of cancer

and I finished my treatment in January.

(everyone cheers)

- Yay, fucking hell, baby!

When we've gone through all these chemotherapy shit-

- Yeah. - And we get back to normal,

what changes are you gonna make in your life?

- In my life? - Yeah.

- I'm not gonna change a fucking thing

'cause I like my life.

- But you've can't work yourself into another fucking-

- No, no, no, I've changed already about what I eat.

It's about what I eat.

- No, it's about your stress level.

You've gotta,

what have I been telling you for years?

If you can't,

it's 24 hours a day, seven days a week,

if you can't find some time in that period for yourself,

when can we have sex again?

- Nine months.

- Fucking nine months. - No.

- You're joking. - No, it's true.

No, he'll get chemo in him if he has sex with me.

You'll get chemo. - I don't mind

having a glowing dick.

- No, it won't glow.

It'll be tired. It'll go like that.

- Are you fucking joking me?

I'll just turn into a woman.

(upbeat music)

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- We have to have to just talk about your birthday dinner.

- But I don't like parties. They're bullshit

- Well, can we just go to Vegas?

- I think we should just go in Vegas.

- Vegas won't allow the drinking thing.

- Not really planning to go to Vegas to party,

to be totally honest with you.

It's my birthday.

I wanna do what the fuck I wanna do.

- You are acting like a spoiled brat.

- Yes, I'm spoiled. I'm not a brat.

(background chatter)

I pissed myself.

(humorous music)

- Lola, no more shit, please.