Original subtitles

- [KELLY] I marked the best two down there.

- That's a lovely one.

- No, mum.

Mum, I look like Uncle David with his twitch.

I can't use that one.

No, I hate that one!

- Kelly!

- It looks like, "God, is that you?"

It's stupid. I hate it.

I don't want my "ha ha" pictures. I hate that.

Mum, you're retarded.

I'm not liking that one.

Don't stick that.

- [OZZY] That one's okay. Look.

- It's upside down, Ozzy. - Oh.

(jazz-swing "Crazy Train")

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey, but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Livin' as foes ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love ♪

♪ And forget how to hate ♪

(bright, retro music)

(TV whirs)

- [OZZY] What do I press now?

- What do you want it to do, come back up?

- Come back up and do the number.

I'd like it to, just don't turn it,

keep it going up and down.

It's great.

(upbeat surf-rock music)

The Batcave lives!

♪ Ahh ♪

- [SHARON] Oh, wow.

- [OZZY] Going round and round and round.

It's rock and roll.

♪ Rat dat dat dat dat dat ♪

♪ Rat dat dat da ♪

♪ Rat dat dat dat dat dat ♪

- Watch this, it's cool.

- [SHARON] It's fuckin' broken.

- [OZZY] Fuckin' hell!

- [MELINDA] When this week do you wanna-

- Haven't I already spoken to all these people, anyway?

- Show me.

No, no, no, no.

So Chris Amaruso, who's doing the dogs calendar,

wants to take some photos of you with the dog.

- No! I told them no!

It's a dog book.

I don't wanna take... No!

- [MELINDA] The dogs are your life.

- Yes, they are my life.

But I would much, much rather be doing

something else, like nothing.

- OK. "Kelly said no.

Please do not make her sit there and pose with the dogs."

Send. Straight to the photographer.

- That was to Michael, you schmuck.

- It was to the photographer.

- Then why does it say Michael at Divine, huh?

Vanity Fair. How long is that gonna be?

And what is it for? It's not for the cover, is it?

- It's only a story. So it's not like...

- Then why the fuck are they flying someone out?

Can't I just do it on the phone?

- [MELINDA] It's a very important piece!

- [JACK] I never do-

- I have to go to New York tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

- Mm-hm. I have one song to do.

(phone ring tone chirps)

- Why can't you do it here?

(phone keypad tones beep)

- (mockingly) 'Cause my producer is in New York!

- Why is he calling up today,

telling us we need to be there tomorrow?

- Because I was supposed to be in New York today.

- You were?

- But nothing was booked with Requay!

- You're making more out of it than there needs to be.

A million people don't need to be doing everything for me.

I can do it!

- OK.

(whimsical synthesizer music)

- Oh, it's one day I'll be away from L.A.

- [JACK] They're called Delusion.

I found 'em ages ago, and I actually

signed them about 18 months ago.

So it's about time they got their shit together.

- [DRIVER] It ain't the album of the century, all right?

(Driver chuckles) - You don't fuckin' know that.

- [DRIVER] I know it's not, 'cause it's an EP, G,

so it can't be the album of the century.

And they're sitting around rolling up doobs and shit,

getting ready to record.

You don't need to be a part of that.

- We're a fuckin' hour late.

(Delusion plays melodic hard rock)

♪ On the answer ♪

♪ I've heard my whole rant to my next stage ♪

♪ This verse is changing me ♪

- That's good! - Like that?

- That's really good.

- [BAND MEMBER] Pretty good sound we got there?

- Yeah. - Better than ever?

- Is it the best thing you ever heard?

Say it, Jack.

Say "Best I've heard."

Say it.

(laughs) Say it.

Are we the best band you've ever developed?

- Easy there, old man!

- The way I hear the story, Kelly heard us first.

- That was the biggest controversy ever.

Was it you or your sister?

It's like, "Wait, who was it, Jack or Kelly?"

- Is Kelly here right now?

- Is that a don't, you say? - Is Kelly here right now?

- She's in the back singing, recording her next album.

- [JACK] She's recording, huh?

♪ Papa don't preach ♪

♪ I'm in trouble deep ♪

- "Canetti would like to make Kelly

a present of a ladies' blue denim fitted blazer."

- Why not?

(slow, quirky synthesizer music with xylophone)

♪ I'm not very well today ♪

- Mummy? Mummy? ♪ No, I'm not feeling ♪

♪ Very well today ♪ - I don't want to do all

these fuckin' things.

For God's sake, can I not go in one room

in this fucking house where I'm left alone?

For God's sake!

♪ I'm all bunged up ♪

♪ And I'm looking rather gray ♪

♪ No, I'm not very well today ♪

♪ No, I'm not feeling very well today ♪

- I'm sick of it! I want a fucking break!

You haven't been there for all of it, Mum!

- [SHARON] When do you want a break, Kel, now?

You want it this week? - Oh!

- [SHARON] Kelly, I'll get it for you!

I'll do it for you!

I know.

- [OZZY] What was that about?

- Just Kelly.

She's really upset because of the workload

and everything that's coming in,

and she doesn't wanna do it.

She wants to be a kid. She wants time off.

It's hard, and-

- The next couple of months are going to be really hard.

- Really, really hard.

And the situation is that Kelly signed the contract,

and she's gotta learn that, you know, it's not a game.

You either do it or you don't do it.

It's terrible. You've got no life.

But it's that or that.

Ozzy, go talk to her. She's sad.

Go give her a hug.

- [MELINDA] She'll be all right.

(quirky orchestral music)

- Kelly?

Can I come in?

(Kelly screams indistinctly) - Take it fuckin' out on me!

- [KELLY] I really hate this! I hate this!

I hate this!

I fuckin' hate this! (door slams)

Fuck you, you fucked this!

- [OZZY] Don't ask me to do that again.

I just got bollocked to death.

- [SHARON] You got bollocked?

- Bollocked to death, yelled at, and fucking reamed!

I ain't the fuckin' manager around here.

This ain't my job.

- She's so dramatic. I love her so much. (laughs)

- She's gone, she's fucking nuts!

(jazz-swing "Crazy Train")

(whimsical music)

(cat yowls)

- You've had a bad day. It's nearly over.

You should go to bed

and have an early night- - And I'm not doing

the Barbara Walters thing.

- I told you, you don't have to!

Kelly, why are you making something out of nothing?

- I'm not! - You were told

you don't have to do it, so don't do it.

Don't try and look for a fight, Kel.

Nobody's fighting with you.

You do what you wanna do.

(upbeat rock music)

Kelly's leaving now for New York.

- Oh, God!

Oh, are you all right for money, Kelly?

- [KELLY] I've got like $100 on my phone.

- You got your, all right. - No, you need

more cash than that.

- [OZZY] How much you got, Kelly?

- $100. I don't-

- [OZZY] Kelly, let me give you some cash.

You can pay me back when you...

I'll give you money.

(Sharon sighs)

- [KELLY] Mum, I told him I didn't need any.

You don't have to pay me back.

- No, you must have some cash.

I'm gonna miss you.

Will you call me as soon as you land?

- [KELLY] Yeah, I'll call when I get to the airport.

- [SHARON] OK, you've got your phone. Is it charged?

OK.

- Mm-hm. I love you.

- I'll miss you so much, Kel. I love you.

Two hands!

Not half a hug, OK? (chuckles)

- Mum, I'm going for 24 hours and I'll be back.

- Here, I brought a bunch of (indistinct) for you.

- [KELLY] I don't need that much, Dad!

- [OZZY] Go on, just take it, OK?

- [KELLY] But I really don't need this much.

- [OZZY] You need some, don't you have

some cash in hand now?

(Ozzy smooches) - I love you.

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly) - I will!

- [OZZY] Rock 'n roll, Kel.

(hard rock music)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Yes.

Hey, Jason.

I'm doing well. I'm waiting for your fuckin' demo, dude.

For now, give us the CD,

we just need finished stuff,

and give us the masters.

Don't spoof it up or anything. Just burn it as is.

And we need to get this done,

and I just said we need the fuckin' CD.

Yeah, but what the fuck's his problem, then?

We need the fuckin' CD, because

if we're gonna go anywhere with it, we need it.

What the fuck is his problem?

Jesus fuckin' Christ! - What?

- The fucking guitarist of Delusion is a fuckin' asshole.

And he is being so protective over this fuckin' demo.

People should hear it.

They need to get their name out there. So what-

- It's just a development deal, right?

- Exactly.

And as of right now, the guitarist is a problem.

(whimsical classical music)

♪ I'm screamin' for attention ♪

♪ So come dig me out ♪

♪ And I said hey, somebody, can you hear me now ♪

♪ 'Cause my world is caving in ♪

♪ So come dig me out ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

I didn't think I could sing that high.

- Now you know.

Belt that shit out.

(Kelly laughs) - Yeah!

- It must've been all the screaming I did at home.

- (chuckles) Yes!

You definitely got the lungs for it,

I was telling Rick, yeah. - (laughs) Miss Kelly.

- You know where it is, OK?

(upbeat music)

♪ Ya, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

- All right, that's good. Here we go.

(camera flash clicks) OK, here we go.

Good, perfect.

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

- It's very uncomfortable.

- I know, but give me a little bit.

When I see something-

- I feel like a fucking retard

doing this. - No, no. No, no. (laughs)

♪ Ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

- Great, one more close. - Oh, fuck, I need...

I can't really move.

♪ Ya, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

- OK, let's have a look.

Go la, la, la, all right?

(camera flash clicks)

- All right, we need that.

I mean, I like all this, it's cool,

but I don't think the magazine's gonna like it that much.

- [PHOTOGRAPHER] Kelly?

- Excuse me.

Now I'm gonna fuckin' kill myself!

- [PHONE ASSISTANT] Sharon? It's Kelly on line one.

Kelly. - She's phoning me.

Tods?

All right, Kel.

Would you please just phone in and let me know you're OK?

All right, bye.

That was a phone call to say

everybody can have the money back.

She doesn't wanna do anything anymore.

♪ Ba, ba-ba, ba ♪

- I hate it when things are unorganized

and things are crazy like this.

I hate going to things like this.

- Kelly, Kelly!

Kelly!

- Jack, so Kelly went out last night,

and apparently Puff Daddy's security guard bumped into her

and knocked her on the floor,

and then Puff Daddy picked her up

and put her on the table and apologized

and was really nice to her,

and told her she doesn't wear enough diamonds

and that he was gonna get her a diamond watch.

- [JACK] P. Diddy's the homie.

- Hmm? - P. Diddy-

- [SHARON] As I said, he smells good, he dresses nice.

He's fine.

Wouldn't it be cool if Kelly went out with Puff Daddy?

(chimes twinkle)

(romantic synthesizer music)

And I was Puff Daddy's mother-in-law?

- [JACK] Puff Mummy?

- Puff Mummy.

- [JACK] It's P. Diddy, Mum.

- P. Diddy-diddy-widdy-widdy-wee-wee-winkle.

- No. No. - Kel and Puff Dad.

'Cause Kel's like a little street fighter.

She's like a little meanie.

And there's big, old P. Diddy-diddy-diddy-diddy.

- [JACK] No.

- I think they'd be so cute

together. - No, you're just saying that

'cause he's famous and has lots of money.

- [SHARON] No, no! He smells good.

- So fucking what? I smell good.

(jazz-swing "Crazy Train")

♪ What's with the temperature now ♪

♪ What's the high ♪

♪ What's the low ♪

(Kelly inhales deeply)

- Mum, I just, I'm sorry.

I'm so spoiled anyway.

But it's not the bad sort where

it's like, "I want it now," like Veruca Salt spoiled.

But it's never been like we've been like,

"I want this, and I want it now,"

and bitched until we got it.

I just think compromisation is the best way

to go about anything that you don't want to do.

♪ Well, get on board ♪

♪ All the children ♪

♪ Let's get on board ♪

♪ Get on board, the children ♪

(Kelly and Melinda laugh)

- Oh my God!

- What?

You're such a twat, Melinda!

(Melinda laughs)

♪ There's room for many-a-more ♪

(door slams)

- Kelly? - All right, let's see it!

Let's see it!

(dog barks)

- [SHARON] Kelly!

- Is that not the hugest watch

you've ever seen in your life?

- It's your mama!

(Sharon squeals)

- [JACK] I don't fuckin' trust it.

- Don't talk about my son-in-law that way.

- You're crazy, Mum!

- [SHARON] That's gorgeous, Kelly.

- [KELLY] Mm-hm. It's really gorgeous.

- [SHARON] Doesn't he smell nice, Kelly?

- [MELINDA] I was like, hold the shirt,

and then there's all these other celebrities

there with them. - Mum, he's so

manicured, he's such a gentleman,

he's so well put together. - I know he is.

- [MELINDA] His nails were perfect. His suit was perfect.

He's- - Bet he's got

a nice ol' willy, you know?

- Oh my God, Mum!

You're making me fucking sick! - (laughs) Puff Daddy's willy.

- [FRIEND] Oh, you mom's talking about Diddy's willy.

- Mum, seriously, you cannot

talk about stuff like that.

- I bet it's smooth.

- Oh! (Kelly screams)

- I bet it's oiled, and I bet it's-

- (screams) Mum, please don't! It's making me sick!

(Melinda laughs)

- I bet it's perfect. - Oh, I'm not gonna wait.

- Oh, it's totally a mannequin.

- [KELLY] I should have asked him to see it.

(birds chirp)

- [OZZY] Hey, where's Kelly gone?

Has she gone out?

No, she's in the office. She's downstairs.

♪ Tissue to blow my nose ♪

(Kelly laughs)

♪ My head is clearing ♪

♪ And I can twiddle my toes ♪

- Aah! - Ow!

♪ I'm feeling much better today ♪

- [JACK] Ew! Ew!

♪ Yes, I'm feeling much better today ♪

♪ I'm ready now to go out and play ♪

(crosstalk)

♪ Hooray ♪

- Stop!

Do you wanna get me your record?

(Kelly laughs)

Oh, fucking...

- I will. I'm going, Dad.

Don't dirty that!

I'm coming. Dad, I'm coming, yeah.

(Ozzy hums) What song

do you wanna hear first?

- [OZZY] I wanna hear the one you did with-

- They're all, this has got three songs on it,

and all of these have one song on them.

- Has this got the same song on it?

- No, they're all different songs on them.

- Let me fix this on...

- [KELLY] What time is it?

♪ The couch sucks me down to the floor ♪

♪ The floor sucks me down to the earth ♪

♪ And I'm covered and buried before ♪

♪ My heart had a chance to stop working ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ It's heavy underground ♪

♪ I'm screamin' for attention ♪

♪ So come dig me out ♪

♪ And I said hey, somebody, can you hear me now ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

♪ Come dig me out ♪

♪ Never thought I could fall 10 feet under ♪

Thanks, Dad.

- You should really be proud of yourself.

I know I am.

(bright, orchestral music)

- [JACK] Sorry about the mess.

- Casey's just, he's high-strung also, you know that?

- Totally high-strung. - Like, he's way high-strung.

- I mean, I'm just- - And especially when it comes

to something he cares so much about.

- I'm just hoping that Casey just doesn't start

becoming like a kind of a nuisance, you know?

That's all.

- (laughs) To you, maybe.

You get annoyed easily.

(melodic rock music)

- (indistinct) mate. Five.

- Yeah, I like it. - Oh, yeah.

- It's good shit.

It's gonna be great after it's all done.

Be really cool.

- What are you grinning about?

You're like, "Ah! Little does he know, ha ha ha!"

(Jack murmurs) - Look at you!

(laughing) You got such an evil grin.

You seriously are gonna be one of those

supervillains one day. - Supervillains?

- You're gonna get disgruntled,

and try- - And wanna take over?

- [JACK'S FRIEND] Yeah, exactly.

You're gonna take over the world.

(Ozzy speaks indistinctly)

- [KELLY] We watched this video every day

when we were kids, me and Aimee did.

- [MELINDA] I know. I used to watch it all the time, too.

- [ANNIE] I love you, Daddy Warbucks.

- You are going to Australia in about, oh, 10 minutes.

- [KELLY] I haven't packed. (giggles)

♪ The sun'll come out ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun ♪

- What are you laughing at?

(Melinda chuckles)

♪ Just thinkin' about ♪

♪ Tomorrow ♪

♪ Sweep away the cobwebs and the sorrow ♪

♪ Come what may ♪

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbournes."

- If you wanna come into the house on a regular basis,

you gotta have a flu shot.

When can I have sex again?

Guinness a day keeps the doctor away.

Lola! No more shit!

Please!

- Oh, he'll get chemo in him if he has sex with me.

- Look, don't touch the dogs and touch your mum.

Don't touch the fuckin' piece of shit

and then touch your mum.

I don't want dogs on the bed, Sharon,

because they carry bugs.

I don't wanna have a glowing dick!

(dog barks)

(wacky clarinet music)

♪ Ahh ♪