Original subtitles

- Oz, Lewis just called me.

Jessica's in labor.

- Yeah?

- Right now.

And Ben's gonna be calling you shortly,

when the baby's born.

- [SPEAKER] Who's that, your oldest daughter?

- Yeah. - Jessica.

- It's a boy.

- Is it?

- Telling you, it's a boy.

- All right.

(phone ringing)

- Girl.

- A girl?

- Isabelle.

- Ooh.

Isabelle, not a boy.

- [MELINDA] And?

- Little girl.

- Aww. - What did I tell you dad?

What did I tell you? - Ozzy.

You're a little grandfather.

- Don't fuckin' say those words.

(upbeat music)

♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(light melodic music)

- I got so fucking drunk.

I was drinking till 7:45 in the morning.

- [SHARON] What would you do if I told you

that I was out till 7:45 drinking in the morning?

You'd kill me.

- I'm responsible.

- What were you drinking?

- I don't know.

I was in a taxi and I gave the guy like $20.

It was like a $5 cab ride and I was like, "Just take it."

And he goes, "Can I suck your ass?"

I screamed my fuckin' head off.

- The taxi driver said that? - Yeah!

Got out of the car, I went running down the street

and Carly's like, "Kelly, wait!"

- I'd have fuckin' punched him.

- [SPEAKER] A taxi driver asked to suck your ass?

- Yeah, and we ran into the first like bar

that we could find

and I fell asleep in some random person's apartment

and woke and went home.

- Kelly, I can't believe all this happened in 24 hours.

- [KELLY] 48 hours.

- 48 hours.

Your life has been so eventful.

- I know.

- I haven't even taken a shit in 48 hours.

(gentle music)

- Sharon and her father,

they weren't talking for 20 years.

And I said to Sharon, you know what, sweetheart?

I don't buy this bullshit that you hate your father.

I said, "I strongly suggest

that you pick up the fuckin' phone and call him."

That was the worst thing I ever did

because now they're never off the phone.

- One day somebody came to see me that I didn't expect.

You see.

And whoever it was-

- [SHARON] It was me.

- She had all these words for me, you see, which was...

- [SHARON] You mother fuckin' piece of shit

was the first one.

- Yes, I think that was.

Something like that.

Now what was the other one, darling?

- [SHARON] The kids thought it was Tony Curtis.

- [TONY] Oh, right, yes.

- That's when they said to me, "Mummy,

why is Tony Curtis calling you a whore?"

- [TONY] Yes.

- And I said, "Well, I just don't know."

- Answer me a question.

- What?

- All together now, and have respect...

♪ Why don't you give ♪

♪ Give the boy a chance ♪

♪ Why don't you give ♪

(all laughing)

- I'm gonna relapse.

- Can you believe we never spoke a word together

for 20 odd years?

Now we talk.

I can't believe it.

It's great.

Family feuds are fuckin' not worth it, man.

(melodic music)

I'm a grandfather.

- [DON] Oh, that's terrific.

- Well, it's a weird feeling to be a grandfather.

Can you feel that in there, Don?

- [DON] Yeah.

- [OZZY] Gotta do the other side.

Can you feel that in there, Don?

- [DON] Yeah.

- Can you feel it in your ear, Don?

Is that in there, Don?

Is that in?

Can you feel that in there, Don?

Can you feel it in your ear, Don?

- Yeah, oh yeah.

- Do you want a burrito, Don?

Nobody wants a burrito?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [SPEAKER] Yeah, dude.

- Do you want a burrito, Jack?

- Sure.

- [OZZY] Do you like spicy or non spicy?

(indistinct chatter)

- [OZZY] Do you like spicy or non spicy?

Non spicy?

- Did Jack know that you guys were coming here?

- I'm talking.

- Wait, dad, I'm getting spoken to

by 9,000 people here right now.

- I'm just asking.

- [JACK] No, I said no spicy.

Actually, I actually don't want a burrito.

I just ate earlier.

- Oh, fuckin' hell, man.

I'm gonna buy two.

Put one in the fridge for later on.

- Well, why don't you just buy three

and then just say, "There it is, Jack."

- No, no, no.

I'll buy two.

I'll put the other one in my fridge in my room.

(dreamy melodic music)

This is my favorite burrito joint, this is.

(dreamy melodic music continues)

- Poor Jack's 16.

You know all these new clubs that come up?

- Oh, every five minutes.

- Yeah, the lounge and the this and that.

And he threw up in the lounge one night.

They fuckin' banned him, clipped his ear.

Kelly's banned from several clubs

for being too loud and-

- Too loud?

- Yes.

David Knight always used to like, say,

when we were going to school, "Bye,"

and we'd go off and sit in the cinema all day

or go around Woolworths nicking.

- [SPEAKER] Did you go to acting school?

- Mm-hm. - Which one?

- [SHARON] Italia Conti.

You know, I told Kelly, my headmistress said

I wouldn't amount to nothing.

She can eat my shit.

(all laughing)

- [KELLY] I'll see you later, Mum.

- [SHARON] Kelly, wear a coat.

- [KELLY] Mum, I have a jacket in my car.

Bye!

- Jack, no.

You know I'm right, Jack.

You're really tired.

That's why you're acting like an idiot.

I'm just asking you

to take care of yourself. - Don't clean up.

And don't be a schmuck and stay out night after night.

- I'm being a schmuck.

Mum, I hardly go out anymore.

- [SHARON] Jack, you should be going to bed now.

Okay?

- Mum, I haven't gone to bed this early

since like third grade.

- [SHARON] Yeah, well pretend you're in

fuckin' third grade now and go to bed.

- No.

(phone ringing)

My phone is ringing.

Hello?

Pascal, what's up?

No, I'm fine.

I'm actually...

I'm really, really high spirited right now.

I don't know if I'm not gonna go out tonight.

Probably, if I'm gonna do anything,

I'm gonna hang out at my house.

What's the parental status right now?

(dogs barking)

Hey, hey, hey.

Guys, ssh.

Ssh.

Oh wait, I didn't...

I didn't show you my belt buckle, Mandy.

- [MANDY] Nice.

♪ Well in a young man's eye it's a simple world ♪

♪ There's a big old need for music and the rest is dumb ♪

♪ In a young man's mind ♪

♪ Oh in a young man's mind ♪

♪ Hey ♪

- Did you see my sculpture I bought?

- It's freaking cool.

- [JACK] Isn't that cool?

- That's really cool.

- Isn't that cool?

♪ Yeah yeah ♪

- That's a cute picture up there, Jack.

- [JACK] Oh of me and-

- You're so cute.

- I was like 13 there.

- You're so cute.

♪ In a young man's mind ♪

♪ In a young man's mind ♪

♪ In a young man's mind ♪

- [MANDY] Call me tomorrow.

- [JACK] I will.

(Kelly laughing)

- All right, let's go.

Let's go to bed.

(Kelly continues laughing)

- You're just as drunk as I am.

Don't pretend not to be.

(Kelly continues laughing)

- This fucking madhouse is driving me crazy.

(upbeat music)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ What's love got to do ♪

♪ Got to do with it ♪

♪ What's love but a second hand emotion ♪

♪ What's love got to do ♪

♪ Got to do with it ♪

♪ Who needs a heart ♪

♪ When a heart can be broken ♪

(bright music)

- What happened?

Get hit by a car?

Did you stay up late?

You wanna have some water

and just get on the treadmill for a little bit?

- [JACK] No.

- You always feel better afterwards.

- [JACK] Not with a splitting headache I don't.

- It's the one thing they recommend.

- [JACK] Do you have an answer for every single thing?

- I do have an answer for everything you're gonna say.

- Hey John, I just got my legs cut off

in a near fatal car accident.

- We'll work upper body then.

- Jack has party-itis.

- No, he shouldn't be hanging around in bars anyway.

He's under 21.

He's barely 17.

- I've explained that to him a dozen times,

but it's hard for him to be honest with me

because, you know...

- He's full of shit.

- Sometimes he is.

But it's like I said, he's not fooling me.

I mean, I know, you know, we know when he's...

You know, when he's on the game and when he's not.

Jack's a little bit of an independent guy,

so I can't get on him too much or else,

you know, he'll send me packing too.

- [TONY] Yeah, that's true.

- He's still, you know...

- [OZZY] You should go in there with a big fuckin' whip

and a mask on and go, "Come on."

(light melodic music)

- Darling, you know, I understand your predicament,

but you can't let it go a hundred percent their way.

You can't, darling.

You know, you're gonna spend six months

taking your, whatever they call it, ookey-coley...

What is it they call it?

- Chemotherapy, you schmuck.

Okie cokie.

- So, darling...

You've got to take it easy on yourself.

- You know they have this line for abused children.

If children are getting abused by their parents,

there's a an emergency phone number that kids call up.

- Go on.

- Kelly called it one time.

So listen.

Listen.

- You're fucking trying to...

You're trying to wind me up.

- She called up this emergency abuse line

and she said, "My mother has just smacked me."

And so the person said, "Why did your mother smack you?"

And she said, "Because I told her

to go suck a donkey's dick."

- To suck on what dick?

- A donkey's dick.

- A donkey's?

- So the guy on the other end of the phone said,

"Your mother was right and don't call here again,"

and hung up on her.

So she was pissed off with him because he hung up on her.

I think that there should be a parent abuse line

for abused parents to call,

for when the kids keep having a go at parents.

- You know, all I can say to all this is,

thank God there isn't a fourth one.

(upbeat music)

- In England you can drink,

you can have a beer or a wine cooler

if you are under the age of 16.

- Kelly, we know what I'm trying to say

is we're not in England.

We're in the United States of America.

And you have to abide by the law of the land.

And the law in California is 21.

And every time you drink, you break the law.

And I keep on telling you, there is only so much stuff

that your mother and I can protect you from.

Once you go over that line, you're fucked.

I'm gonna go eat my burrito.

(upbeat Latin music)

- [SPEAKER] I heard you're still eating your burritos

three times a day.

- Twice as a day.

I am burrito man.

I keep singing...

♪ Da da da da da da da da da da ♪

(upbeat Latin music continues)

- Your father can't eat one burrito.

He has to have 900 burritos.

- I think I'm gonna have a burrito for a change.

- [SHARON] Where are you going?

- I'm gonna go tie my hair back

so I don't eat it with my burrito.

Oi!

Get away from my fuckin' burrito, little bastard.

♪ Da da da da da da da da da da ♪

Feel like I could have a lie down now.

That fuckin' burrito's done me over.

Ooh.

(upbeat music)

- Mummy?

Is Robert in with you?

- [SHARON] Are you going out somewhere?

- Yeah.

Is Robert in here with you?

- [JACK] Where you going?

- [SHARON] Kelly, it's so late.

- [KELLY] It's all right, Mum.

- [SHARON] Kelly, please don't.

- I can't help it.

Where's Robert, Mom?

- [SHARON] What time are you coming home?

- Not late.

I'm only going out for like an hour.

- Wayne, do not let her drink.

She's been really sick.

- Bye Mum, I love you.

- Kelly.

Kelly, stay in and have popcorn.

- [KELLY] It's all right Mum.

- [SHARON] Stay home.

- [KELLY] No.

(slow melodic music)

- I can't sleep so I thought I'd come down

and clean out the fridge.

Look.

Bloody open coke.

This is just awful.

Ah, September 18th.

Jesus Christ.

Empty.

Kelly's really partying too much

and she's tired, she's bad tempered

and she doesn't feel good.

So I think I've got...

Probably 20 days left before she's 18.

So I'm gonna enforce...

My 20 days left.

Tomorrow she's gonna be tied up.

(upbeat music)

♪ Life is dull ♪

♪ It's nothing but one big low ♪

♪ And presto, you do as told ♪

- Yes, me now!

I'm not good yet.

- Good to go, you're good to go.

- Good to go.

♪ Feeling like a toy on a string ♪

♪ And your heart goes ring-a-ding-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ding-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ding-ding ♪

♪ How could that funny face ♪

♪ That seemed to be common place ♪

♪ Go jet you right into space ♪

♪ Without any warning ♪

♪ Don't know if it's morning, night time, winter or spring ♪

♪ What's the difference ♪

♪ Ring-a-ding-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ding-ding ♪

- I'm gonna be sick.

♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero ♪

♪ You're everything I wish I could be ♪

♪ I could fly higher than an eagle ♪

♪ For you are the wind beneath my wings ♪

(upbeat music)

(John knocking on door)

- Hey Jack.

Hey Jack.

Jack.

Jack.

Hey Jack.

(John sighs)

(toilet flushing)

- I'll get you a bottle of water.

Just sip on water, Kelly.

- I've got that interview on the phone.

- On the phone?

- Yeah, she's holding on.

I had to hang up 'cause I was throwing up.

- [OZZY] Let me get you a bottle of water.

(Kelly sighs)

- Hi Sylvia.

Sorry.

I'm the worst drunk in the whole entire world.

I really am.

Because I don't remember anything

and all I know is I'm violent and I'm mean.

- [SHARON] Okay.

Well do you know what that tells us, Kel?

- Don't drink.

- [SHARON] Yeah.

- [KELLY] I'm not doing anything this weekend.

- [SPEAKER] Yeah, right.

- It'll be something with Fred and Wayne.

- No, I can't go out, Mum.

I think I will die if I go out another night.

- You need some nice bacon in a roll with some butter.

- [KELLY] Shut up, Mum.

I think I'm gonna throw up again.

- And have you seen it when the butter melts

into the ketchup?

- Mum!

Please!

Be nice to me.

I'm an idiot.

Never drinking again.

- You need a nice fried egg.

Some nice pink sausages.

- Oh no, Mum.

I'm wanna fuckin' throw up again.

I'll be back.

- [JOHN] We're gonna start on the treadmill.

The rest is a surprise.

♪ I'm gonna walk ♪

♪ With the man ♪

♪ I'm gonna walk ♪

♪ Hand in hand ♪

- Just so you know, my arms feel like

they're about to fall off.

- [JOHN] Okay.

What time'd you get up?

- [JACK] 11:30.

- [JOHN] Time d'you go to bed?

- Three.

It was a late one.

- [JOHN] Listen, when you have your buddies over

on the weekend,

this is the party man.

It's right here.

Okay?

♪ Give my words and all my woes ♪

- [JACK] I've been partying for like a week solid.

So my bones need a rest.

♪ My hand to the man with the plan ♪

♪ Gonna walk with the man ♪

- [KELLY] Bye Richard.

- Bye sweetie.

- Love you daddy. - So long kid.

Love you too.

- You mother fuckin' piece of shit.

- [OZZY] What's wrong with staying in?

- Isn't it nice?

Kelly, do you remember when you got off the school bus

and there was a guy throwing water on you

and I caught him and I went on the bus

and I said, "You little bastard."

Do you remember?

- Yeah.

He was like the biggest, grossest kid.

He used to get caught masturbating in the bathroom

all the time.

He was disgusting.

- Wanking off in the bathroom?

- He used to bring porn on the fuckin' bus and-

- And just like sit back there and just look at porn.

- He was the one with the housekeeper

with the gold teeth. - Fell out the window, yeah.

- [SHARON] She was like Master P with an apron on.

- There's a fly in there, look.

- [SHARON] It's just one fuckin'...

- Ew, don't go on my food.

(all laughing)

Dad, you just yourself in the head.

(all laughing)

- I'm gonna go eat another burrito.

- How many days have we been on the burrito diet?

- This is the last time.

I'm turning fuckin' Mexican now.

This is the last burrito.

End.

- [NARRATOR] Next time on "The Osbournes..."

(gentle music)

- Drummers are weird people.

- I never took lessons.

- [KELLY] I couldn't keep my timing on the songs,

- So I don't know how to play drums.

- [JACK] Alfred but raped Gus.

- His dick is in Jasper's arse.

- You can tell he's been sexually abused.

- Dill's coming to stay again.

- Oh, he's not.

- [JACK] He's staying here for a couple days.

- About 14 days.

- What's going on in his head?

You got lice?

- No.

It's just a little shit bag that does nothing.

(Dill snorts) (dramatic music)

(no audio)

(light jingle)

- [OZZY] Can you feel that in there, Don?

- [DON] Yeah, oh yeah.