Original subtitles

- I couldn't believe my fucking luck,

the fucking bone channel come on the fucking TV.

Not only-

- The bone channel.

Do they have porno on the TV in the hotel?

- Big time and full-on, babe.

- I thought you actually had to buy the porno

on the TVs to have it in your room.

- Well of course you fucking do, but I've-

- You bought porno off the TV?

- I pressed the wrong fucking button.

- Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar.

You dirty bastard. (laughing)

- What's the, what's a single, lonely man-

- You're not single and you're not fucking lonely,

so shut up.

(big band music)

♪ Crazy, hey, but that how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people living as foes ♪

♪ Maybe it's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(gentle music)

♪ I've never been in love like this before ♪

♪ It's not just love with you, it's so much more ♪

♪ Your open understanding, beyond anything I've known ♪

♪ I've never been in love like this before ♪

- You kissed Pukey.

Kelly, oh my God, oh my God.

- I've done worse.

- [WOMAN] Why do they call him Pukey?

- 'Cause he throws up on stage.

- He throws up on stage, Kelly?

- Oh, you know what his nickname is in the band, Kelly?

- [KELLY] I don't care. - Cauliflower Dick.

(women gasping)

- [WOMAN] What does that mean? - [JACK] I don't know.

- I think it means he's got a fucking, what is it?

- I'm gonna throw up.

- If they call him Cauliflower Dick-

- Mom, seriously.

- In the band it's because Virginia, what is it?

Vir, what is it, virgin, no-

- Venereal diseases.

- Venereal, thank you.

Why do I keep thinking fucking Virginia?

- Mom?

I'm not going out with anyone.

- You're fucking not going out with anyone

with a dick like a cauliflower.

- Maybe he's got a deformed penis.

- Oh, guess I'll never know.

- Just happened to look like a thing of cauliflower.

- Please, can you shut fuck the up?

I'm gonna throw up, this is disgusting.

- [SHARON] No, I think that-

- You don't know this person.

- [WOMAN] Kelly, you can get genital warts

on your hands from touching cauliflower dick.

- Serious, Kelly, you can get it from kissing him.

- For fuck's sake Mom.

- [OZZY] Who?

- It's her boyfriend.

- I'm clueless, I didn't even know

she had a fucking boyfriend.

How old is he?

- 20.

Bert is a singer of a band called The Used,

this punk band.

- What a fucking nerdy name, Bert.

- I know.

Like after the first week he said, I love you.

- Fucking hell, man.

- And she buys into that.

(sweeping orchestral music)

- There's a guy that I'm seeing coming

to see me for a couple weeks.

He's a singer of the band called The Used.

- [SHARON] Kelly! - What?

- Are you talking to a boy?

- No, mom.

You drive me fucking crazy, I'm not even joking.

(Sharon laughing)

You can both go fuck yourselves.

- She's definitely talking to a boy.

(jazzy music)

- I don't wanna do anything.

- I fucking love not doing anything.

- I don't like being really, really busy,

but I don't like not doing anything.

I haven't showered for two days.

- Yeah.

- What about when you kiss somebody, like,

aren't you scared that-

- Well, her boyfriend doesn't brush his teeth

after he pukes, so...

- So is he actually your boyfriend

or are you just?

- I didn't make that up.

- I know, but you say he's my new husband

or whatever, and so...

- No, he is actually, yeah.

- [WOMAN] What's Bert's last name?

- McCracken.

- [WOMAN] Oh, McCracken.

- [JACK] Kelly McCracken.

- I'm not gonna marry him, Jack.

- I like the name Bert.

I think it's really nice.

(Jack belches)

- Ooh, put some ice cream on this and then eat it.

- That's such a fat kid thing to do.

- Well, if you haven't noticed, I'm a fat kid.

(Kelly and woman laughing)

You know, Jordy called me today

just to tell me he was disgusted about it.

- Jack called the person from his record company

just to let him know.

- No, he rung me and said,

what's going on with Kelly and Bert?

I said, she's, he slept over and I think they could-

- Slept over?

That's news to me.

Slept over where?

In the spare room or on the couch, I hope.

- No, slept at-

- Slept at the hotel.

- What hotel?

- In the same bed!

- I have a boyfriend.

- Is he one that you call up and go, hi, it's me,

and they know who it is?

- No, it's just, hi, leave a message if you want

me to back and if it's you, (indistinct).

(Jack pounding on keyboard)

I don't know.

Oh, I'm gonna kill you.

(piano fades)

- I don't fuck with your musical career.

(quirky music)

(Jack coughing loudly)

(Kelly grunts and laughs)

(Kelly whining)

(Kelly screaming)

(Kelly screaming)

(Kelly screaming)

(Kelly screaming)

(Kelly yells)

- Stop fighting!

Stop fighting.

Let me give you a bit of warning here.

This will end in fucking tears.

I'd suggest you fucking stop acting

like a pair of dicks right now.

Quit, stop.

- [JACK] Okay.

(Jack belches)

- Shove a banana up your ass.

Bend over, bitch.

- That's a waste of food.

There are people in Somalia who would die for a banana.

(jazzy music)

(jazzy music)

- I don't know but by the look of it

we're gonna be at war by the end of the week.

Because, boy, she's calling the United Nations.

(Kelly yells)

- Go on Dad, (indistinct) calling the United Nations.

- [SHARON] It's tomorrow he's addressing the United Nations.

- He saying he's gonna (stammering).

(dog barking)

Forget it.

- [JACK] No, I'm listening.

I'm very political.

(voices overlapping)

I consider myself to be a very political person.

- What can, I have a question.

Jack won't ask to never have to go to war, do we?

- Kel, okay, you're a woman.

If you did have to go to war,

you'd sit behind the desk and type.

- Shit, women go to the front line.

- Bollocks!

- [JACK] Fuck off, since when?

- Excuse me.

- Women don't-

- Excuse me, wasn't there a woman caught in the,

when they went into Iraq last time, there was a woman-

- [KELLY] Yes, and when we went to Korea

and all the women were telling us about how,

what they had to do-

- She was in her-

- Excuse me, women fly planes, helicopters, everything.

- [JACK] Yeah, but they're not on the,

they're not on-

- [OZZY] We're not talking on the front line.

- [SHARON] Yes, they are.

- [OZZY] You know they're not the,

they're not gonna let women in the trenches

with five little horny guys that they've gotta-

- Women do just as much as men in the army.

- No, fuck off.

(lively music)

- [SHARON] Kelly, please.

- He is not coming over here.

- Then you are not going to Salt Lake City.

And you're not 18 yet, and you have to do what I say.

(Kelly yells)

- You can't do that!

- That's it, that's it.

He either stays in this house

and you play by my rules that he sleeps in Jack's room-

- Mom.

I have not had sex with him.

- Why did you put those on your knees?

- I was bored.

- Where are they planning on staying?

- [KELLY] I dunno. - Truth.

- [KELLY] A hotel.

- I told you he could stay here,

but he has to sleep with Jack.

- [KELLY] I don't want him to stay here

because Dad will sit there and be like, (imitating Ozzy)

if you mess around with my daughter.

- [SHARON] Dad will not do that.

- Yes, he fucking will!

(quirky music)

- It's a puff pastry case, top and bottom.

And you put in it just one,

either a ring or a bean

or a tiny little figure resembling the Christ child.

(remote beeping)

And the person who gets that piece of cake

with the ring in it-

- Fucking hell man.

I mean, it's fucking horrible.

(jazzy music)

- In a couple months, I'm going to Vegas

and getting married just for the hell of it.

I'm telling you, I will get married in Vegas,

I'm not kidding.

- I know you will, Kelly.

- I'm serious.

I'm gonna marry someone before Christmas.

- Oh, do it, Kelly.

How exciting.

I'd love a good wedding now.

- I know, seriously.

- I'd love it, please.

- I'm serious, I will.

- And get pregnant.

- I don't know about the pregnant thing.

- So I can have the baby.

- Guess what, Dad?

I'm gonna get married before Christmas.

- Good for you. (chuckling)

- [SHARON] She means it.

- I've totally given in on that TV, Sharon.

- You've given in with the TV.

- I got the bread baking fucking channel right now.

- What's the bread bag?

- Bread baking channel.

And these two fucking old cunts

fucking baking fucking bread.

I mean I'm trying and clicking

and these two gritty fucking baboons

fucking baking fucking homemade bread.

I can't get anything else.

I've never heard of these.

It's a new channel.

- [SHARON] The cooking channel.

- The bike, the bed, the bake your own bread channel.

(uptempo music)

- [SHARON] And he's a Mormon.

- He's not a Mormon.

- He will cheat on you.

- Quick, can I tell you how much you're pissing me off?

- What time is your friend coming in?

- I don't, Mom-

- Don't fucking lie, okay?

You're going to the airport to pick him up.

What time is your friend coming in?

If you don't tell me, I'll give him

a hard time when I meet him.

- [KELLY] I'm seriously not kidding you.

I will get up and I will leave

if you embarrass me in front of him,

'cause it's not fair.

- I would, as if I do that to you.

- [KELLY] Mom, you're gonna start talking

about dicks and vaginas.

- [Woman] Oh God.

- And sex, and I'm gonna be sat there like...

- I am not.

I'm just gonna see if he passes the Osbourne test.

- And what's that?

How many times a day do you shower?

Do you brush your teeth?

How many times you ever had sex?

How many different partners-

- I wanna know why he's called Cauliflower Dick.

- [KELLY] Mom, I told you that was made up

because that was the first thing I asked him, thank you.

- What's this topic of conversation about?

Bert?

- [KELLY] 'Cause you've never had a girlfriend,

you just have people that you have sex with

that are all really gross.

- Well, you know what Kelly?

See, what I do is, this is the whole scheme.

See, you have girls you just have sex with

and you have girls you are close friends with,

that you don't have sex with.

So then shit doesn't get complicated

and you still have good friends.

There you go.

You should try that one on for size.

- I missed that.

What was that?

- Yeah, I really did not get that either.

That doesn't make any sense.

That's just something that you've made up

to justify what you do.

- There are girls to have sex with

and girls to be friends with?

- Well, yeah.

- Oh, Jack, that's very chauvinistic.

- Oh, I'd like you to know that, you know,

Kelly has already seen and touched his wang.

- No one-

- Is it green?

- No, Mom and cauliflower is white, in case you didn't know.

- No, but it has green stalks.

- Oh, seriously, you need to stop it.

- I'm saying that Kelly's boyfriend

is more than welcome in this house, anytime.

- Yeah, I understand that.

He's just not sleeping here.

- He is.

- [JACK] I don't fucking blame Mom and Dad for that.

- I, yeah, you-

- Any motherfucker who's been dating you

for three weeks comes out saying, I love you

needs his fucking head checked.

(dramatic guitar music)

- [SHARON] What's Bert?

- Don't ask stupid questions.

- Oh, it's Bert.

That's Kelly's boyfriend, Bert,

but we call him Robert here.

- You call him Robert.

- I don't like the name Bert.

He's gotta change it.

He has to change that name.

- Why?

- Because it's silly.

Silly, silly.

- Is Nicky N-I-K-K-I-E or N-I-K-K-Y

or N-I-C-K-I-E.

- [SHARON] No N-I, Nicky.

N-I-C-K-Y, Nicky.

- Shit.

I'm leaving now, bye.

(phone slams)

- I know Kelly's gonna get married.

She's planning on marrying this boyfriend.

- Forget it, don't even go there.

- But this guy keeps writing her that he loves her.

He's gonna marry her, I know it.

- Oi, stop fucking worrying about Kelly

and what she, worry about, don't worry about what's, listen.

All you gotta worry about is getting through today.

That's all you gotta worry about.

And just live each day to the fullest.

Don't worry, you've gotta stop worrying.

It's creating more problems than there already is.

(quirky music)

I just caught myself on the fucking door handle, my nuts.

(jazzy music)

(driving rock music)

- [JACK] Kelly, stop!

- [KELLY] Shut up, Jack!

- [JACK] Don't hit me.

- [SHARON] No, no, no, Kelly.

(Kelly screams)

- God, beam me up, kill me now.

This fucking madhouse is fucking driving me fucking crazy.

(funky music)

♪ Miss Style ♪

♪ Cool ♪

♪ Miss Style ♪

♪ Cool ♪

♪ Miss Style ♪

♪ Cool ♪

(funky music continues)

(soulful country music)

- I think we're all waiting for Bert

to appear in this house.

Crazy, come on, honey.

And if I was him

and I was dating somebody's daughter, I would be polite

and come over and meet the parents.

Especially as he's,

says he loves her and wants to marry her

through a drive-in wedding in Vegas.

Kelly, could you call your mom, please?

I'm at home.

Kelly, call your mom.

I dunno where Kelly is.

- She's around, I just spoke to her,

but I didn't ask her where she was.

She's just-

- [OZZY] Probably with Bert somewhere.

- Could you call her for me

so I can see, talk to her?

- [WOMAN] Sure.

Sharon, line two.

- Thanks.

Hi Kel.

Where are 'ya?

Okay, 'cause Collin's here.

I wondered if you were coming over.

All right, so when are we gonna see you?

Well, that's okay.

Okay, I love you.

Will you call me when you're coming home?

Bye.

- [OZZY] Stay in your room.

- I don't think she's coming home.

They've checked into the Hyatt on Sunset.

She won't give me an answer.

Just, love you, Mom, see you.

(bell rings)

- I thought I would make a (speaking foreign language)

which is a French cake which they eat on-

- Oh, you're fucking kidding me.

- [CHEF] The three kings, or twelfth night.

- Get the fuck away from-

- Oh, this must be Kelly's boyfriend.

Is it?

- [MAN] Very worried if it is.

- I'm very worried.

It's Kelly.

(playful music)

(dramatic music)

- I'll deal with this fucking Burlington Bertie.

But are you not coming in to say hello to me?

Why?

- [BERT] 'Cause I'm so shy.

- [SHARON] Don't be full of shit.

- [BERT] I am full of shit and I am shy.

- Come on.

Do you like Kelly's hair better?

- [BERT] I do like it better.

- I do like it better, Kelly.

- [BERT] Me too, me too.

- Much, much better.

What time's the show on Saturday?

- It's an all day show-

- It's a festival.

- It starts at like noon, I think.

- [SHARON] And what time do you go on?

- We are the last band so probably

about like eight.

- [SHARON] Right.

- [BERT] Yeah, we're the headliners, we're so excited.

- That's great.

Okay, where did this Cauliflower Dick come from?

(people laughing)

- [KELLY] We're out of here.

(people laughing)

♪ Mob's a funny thing ♪

- I'm going to make a Yorkshire gingerbread.

That's a nice dark gingerbread with black treacle.

(Ozzy giggling)

- Mom, you really hurt my feelings there,

that comment you made.

I knew you were jealous

because my time isn't really spent with you anymore.

But I just wanna let you know that you would never

say that about Aimee's boyfriend in front of her.

- I'm jealous.

- I'm sorry Mom, but don't do that to me.

It's not fair.

It's like a big mind fuck, Mom.

You've gotta stop doing it.

- [SHARON] But it's easy to settle.

Send him home.

- [KELLY] No, Mom.

- Let's get the way it was before.

- [KELLY] No, Mom, you've gotta understand.

- No, Kelly, get rid of him, please.

- [KELLY] Mom, no.

- And it can be the way it was.

I don't like it, Kelly, please.

- Mom, Mom, if you, listen to me-

- Tell him to go.

- I'm trying to talk to you.

- Tell him to go.

Leave our lives.

- I've got a statement to make.

I've got a statement to make, listen to me.

- I want him to go, Kelly, please.

- Mom, Mom, if you want me to spend time with you,

all you have to say is, Kelly,

can we have lunch today or Kelly-

- I do and everything is-

- No you don't, because I have to-

- Bert.

Kelly, please don't leave me.

If you bring him here again, I'll cry.

- [KELLY] Okay, Mom-

- You're meant to be with Robert.

- [KELLY] Mom, that would be incest.

- Kelly, be truthful now, from the heart.

He is a little funky.

- He doesn't smell.

You're just saying that because-

- No, he smells of cigarettes and booze.

(footsteps stomping)

Kelly!

(guitar music)

Minnie, you've been ignoring your mother.

Don't tell me you are going out with Bert too.

I couldn't stand it.

(gentle piano music)

- [KELLY] Bye, lover.

Well, Kelly likes young, smelly boys,

but as a mother, I think she needs an older, wiser man.

♪ Life is for living ♪

♪ My pretties ♪

(Bert coughing)

♪ Lips are for kissing my rabbits ♪

♪ If you've been missing ♪

♪ The best of habits ♪

♪ Go find yourself a smoocher ♪

♪ And you'll enjoy the future ♪

♪ Just fall in love and start to live ♪

(Bert screaming)

♪ Life's for living to live, live, live ♪

- 'Cause, you know, Kelly's her mother's daughter,

she likes guys in bands.

(Bert coughing)

♪ Live it up ♪

- [ANNOUNCER] Next time on "The Osbournes".

- If they don't stay and eat,

I'm putting my foot down.

You'll stay. - No.

(disco music)

- This is my favorite burrito joint, this is.

- Your father can't eat one burrito,

he has to have 900 burritos.

- Any, nobody wants a burrito?

Do you want a burrito, Jack?

- Sure.

- I am burrito man.

(Ozzy humming)

(Sharon humming)

- [SHARON] How many days have we been on the burrito joint?

- This is the last burrito.

Oi!

Get away from my fucking food you little bastard.

- Never drinking again.

- You need some nice bacon and a roll with some butter.

- I'm gonna be sick.

(toilet flushing)

(musical sting)

(man laughing)

(quirky music)

- Stop fighting!