Original subtitles

(upbeat instrumental music)

- [NARRATOR] Meet the perfect American family.

- Jack, stop telling people you're Ozzy Osbourne's son

to get into places because you're a fucking loser.

(object clattering) (dog barking)

- Oh! - Oh.

- [SHARON] Hey, hey, hey, stop!

- [NARRATOR] There's the mom.

- I can't sit here and say like, you know,

"I'm really the next mother Teresa."

Yeah. Well, I tell you what,

I'm Ozzy Osbourne's wife,

now shut the fuck up and go to bed.

(Sharon scoffing) Fuck no.

- [NARRATOR] The son.

- [JACK] Studies show, a teenager's brain doesn't really

become functional until past 10 30, I think.

(Jack groaning)

(Jack moaning)

- [NARRATOR] The daughter.

- I don't really care what people think of my hair,

if they like it or not.

Like it's not their hair, so I don't really care.

Oh, that rhymed, haha.

- [NARRATOR] And of course, the dad.

- Rock and roll!

(rock music)

♪ I'm not the kind of person ♪

♪ You think I am ♪

♪ I'm not the anti Christ or the iron man ♪

- I love you all. I love you more than life itself.

You're all fucking mad.

(upbeat jazz music) ♪ Crazy ♪

♪ Hey but that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(upbeat music)

- What are you saying? - You can put it in there.

(movers chattering in a foreign language)

- Okay.

(upbeat music)

(toy dog grunting)

(dog barking)

(rock music)

(cat hissing)

- Is that a swimming pool or a pond?

- It's a fucking swimming pool.

And the guy that's building it,

I'm gonna drown the fucker in it.

(friend laughing)

- [SHARON] This has got to be the 24th house

that my kids have lived in.

(Lego clattering)

We've got crosses going everywhere.

There's crucifixes.

I'm having them painted on the walls.

We've got crucifix door handles.

We'll never be able to sell it.

(bright upbeat music)

- [OZZY] Where do you want me to put my gun, Sharon?

Under the bed?

- [SHARON] Whatever you wanna put it.

- [OZZY] I'll put it under the bed.

(plastic crinkling)

- No, its broken. - Ooh.

Oh, well of course it's broken.

Those fuckers packed it.

- Dude, how is my sister's underwear

just gets mixed up in mine. You know, that's just wrong.

- Look at it. There's a fucking big chunk out of it.

That mother fucker. Where is he?

- [KELLY] The way I see it, the less shelves,

- Uh-huh. - the less shit

I'll put on them.

Therefore, the less shit I'll have.

- Okay, so is that good or bad?

- [KELLY] It's good.

- Everything we open is broken

and they keep saying to me, I'll glue it.

I'm gonna glue his fucking mouth.

(rock music)

Anything to do with like the history channel

and the war channels, all stuff like that.

- The news channels. Okay? - Yes.

- [OZZY] Weather in Afghanistan. 2000 degrees entirely.

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm stuck on the Weather Channel.

Ahh!

(TV beeping)

(telephone trilling)

What the fuck is that?

- [HANDY MAN] With this screen,

you can control basically the whole house.

Satellite. And then they have satellite music, cd.

- What the fuck, fucking hell, stupid, these.

- [HANDY MAN] We didn't give the owners

any written instruction.

We gave them the remote controls

and then the owners figure out by himself how to work it.

So that's how easy it is.

(remote clacking)

(remote beeping)

- Weak signal?

That's about what I'm going to watch whole day.

Weak signal.

Jack!

- [JACK] Yeah?

- Can you get this fucking com, this television to work?

I'm a very simple man.

You gotta have like computer dollies

to turn the TV on and off.

Jack! - I'm coming!

- Fucking thing!

Why can't I get a normal fucking TV, man?

I pressed his one button and the shower starts.

I'm going, "What is this? Where am I, man?"

It's fucking space age shit.

And the nightmare continues!

Nightmare in Beverly Hills.

- Click Satellite.

- Yeah?

And?

(remote beeping)

- And it should come on.

- With all these buttons,

it could give you a fucking blowjob

as well as put on the television.

Press blowjob.

(remote beeping) (Ozzy laughing)

- Sick fuck.

- [OZZY] (indistinct) it isn't going to eat you.

Mm, yes. I think you're a nice little cat to eat.

- [TV NARRATOR] Lightening fast fighters

to shoot down enemy planes.

Deadly bombers to flatten German and Japanese war planes

and tough, reliable cargo planes to airlift troops

and supplies into battle.

(upbeat rock music)

(metal clicking) - Ooh.

Wonder if it will probably fit on my gun?

Jack, I found a bayonet, Jack.

(Jack chattering indistinctly in distance)

I found a bayonet, wonder if that will fit on my gun?

- Oh, lemme see it?

- I've got two of them. Hold that.

Lemme show you the gun, if it fits on the gun.

- That'll fit.

(Ozzy mumbling indistinctly)

Oh Dad, this is gonna fit.

- Gonna fit? - Yeah.

Yes!

(playful instrumental music)

- [JACK] Put that.

(gun cocking)

- [KELLY] What are you doing?

- Dad found a bayonet.

- [KELLY] Where?

- [JACK] I don't know.

- [KELLY] That's so fucking violent.

- Shut up. - Shut up!

(upbeat jazz music)

(upbeat jazz music)

(calm swing music)

- Is this what you wanna wear to the Tonight Show though?

- [KELLY] Yeah.

- [MELINDA] It's very Jackie O, Kelly.

- [KELLY] What is?

- [MELINDA] This outfit.

- [KELLY] Ooh.

- [POLICE OFFICER] Hey, Ozzy?

It was a pleasure to meet, man.

- Police officer. - Been a fan

for a long time. It was the first concert I ever saw,

Grand Flunk Railroad opening for you guys at the,

- At the forum. - At the forum!

- Yes. '71, that was.

- Absolutely, greatest show. - Wow. Wow.

- Thanks a lot.

(plastic crinkling) - No, see, the thing is,

is that if you do wanna go to the Tonight Show,

you're gonna have to get cracking.

- [JACK] I won't go then.

Simple as that.

- [SHARON] He's very nervous.

Ozzy doesn't like doing any TV at all.

He likes Jay a lot. He watches the show.

Not that it's selling out,

but it's just too mainstream for him.

I mean, I make him do it. He doesn't wanna do it.

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

- Hey! What on earth you talking about?

"Dude looks like a lady."

- [MELINDA] Don't you wanna see your dad?

- [JACK] I'll see it tonight, thus the Tonight Show.

- [MELINDA] Oh really? Ah!

I didn't know.

- [JACK] Oh, you are blonde.

- [MELINDA] Fuck off.

- [JACK] Get a real job.

- [SHARON] How are you?

- Can I call you Ozzy? I'm Robert.

- Fucking chair. - Big fan too. Eh?

- Tony?

I'm tied up here.

- We are gonna cut them 'cause they're too long.

So We'll, we'll cut some of these.

(group chattering indistinctly)

- Can I get you to sign a CD for my nephew.

He's like, - Okay-

- I'll bring it back in a bit. - It's for you, really, init?.

- For my nephew, Rick, but I'll take one too.

- Sorry. You're not watching a movie

that's about marijuana smoking.

Turn it off. I'm serious.

- Fuck off. - I'm serious.

You are not watching films about marijuana use.

- Shut up! God. Leave my room now.

I don't need your help.

- Can you sign it, "To Rick?"

- To Rick?

- Rick. R-I-C-K.

He wanted, "To Rick and be cool," if that's all right?

- How old is he?

- He's, well actually he's like 28.

(both laughing)

- I'm thinking he's like 16. - No, he is a huge fan.

(playful music) - Don't want the Eagles CD?

- [JACK] No. Throw it.

- [MELINDA] Why?

- [JACK] Just throw it. I don't have to.

- All right. - Answer every question

for everything I do. - Fuck off.

- [JACK] Oh, bugger off.

(cases clattering)

- [MAKEUP ARTIST] So are you nervous

before you perform or what?

- Well look at it this way, I don't need a laxative.

(makeup artist laughing)

- I told you, you were funny.

Want anything on your lips?

- Now we're getting too close.

- Now we're going into, we don't go there don't we? Huh?

(scissors snipping)

- What? This one Here.

- Hold on. Wait.

- That'll be all right, Kelly.

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

(upbeat theme music)

- My next guest, legendary rocker,

tonight he's performing a song from his first solo album

in six years, "Down to Earth."

Please welcome Ozzy Osbourne.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

(rock music)

- He was really good.

I could tell that he was a little bit uncomfortable,

but he did good.

Now you'll come back and talk to him.

- Who?

- Next time.

- What?

- I said, "Next time you'll come back and talk.~

You'll be a talking guest instead of a singing guest.

- Oh.

- Right?

- When's that, next week? (Sharon chuckling)

- No, little later.

- Eww. Stop it.

- Why? We're married!

I bet you do it, when you go out.

- [KELLY] No, I don't think so.

- Ah!

- Oh, yes you do.

- How about you go home.

- Please spare me. Seriously.

- What's wrong with it?

- Too old. (Sharon scoffing)

- That's very nice.

You actually, - Thanks, Kel.

- You are 50, 50 am I older than you, Sharon?

(bell chiming)

Jay Leno, makes you really feel, good.

- Yeah. - I really felt,

I didn't feel nervous at all.

I do now. (all laughing)

(Kelly mumbling indistinctly)

- What?

Why can't you?

What you, why you start these things

you never tell me you're going.

- [KELLY] Because everyone else heard what we said

and you are the only one that didn't like that.

- But I, darling, I've explained to you,

you have not been standing in front

of 30 billion decibels for 35 years.

(Kelly giggling)

Just write me a note.

(all laughing)

(upbeat rock music)

- [JAY LENO] Another interesting choice,

packing your bags and leave a stand.

(audience laughing) (Ozzy laughing)

- Oh, hi Michael.

- I got a, how you doing?

This guy got a delivery for someone.

My name is Michael

and I was hired as a security to watch the Ozzy Osbourne

and Mrs. Sharon Osborne house.

I walk around the perimeters, I walk outside,

I check the front house,

the doors, the windows, the back house.

Make sure just everything is okay around here.

- [JAY LENO] Green eggs and hamasam.

(audience laughing and applauding)

- This a blood clot.

- It's a blood clot?

- Yeah. Feel it right here.

I have fun over here.

- [JAY LENO] Bye-bye, panel van.

(all laughing) (audience laughing)

(audience cheering and applauding)

My next guest, legendary rocker,

tonight he's performing a song from his first solo album

in six years, "Down to Earth."

Please welcome Ozzy Osbourne.

(audience cheering and applauding)

(rock music)

♪ But I still love the feeling I get from you ♪

♪ I hope you'll never stop cause it gets me through yeah ♪

♪ It gets me through yeah ♪

(upbeat jazz music)

(upbeat jazz music)

(country rock music)

- [MELINDA] What's that smell? What's burning?

- My tampon.

(Melinda and Kelly shouting)

(kettle sizzling)

- Turn it off, turn it off! - It's off!

I didn't do it, I put the fucking towel right.

- Is it out? Is it out? - That took a lot air,

If it had been another five minutes.

We'd burn the house down.

(Melinda laughing)

- [KELLY] I was just putting the kettle on!

- Its an electric fucking kettle, you dumbo!

- So why is it on the fucking-

- It was on the stove, that's true, Kelly. That's all right.

And I watched do it's thing. - Kelly, round of applause.

(Jack applauding)

- [OZZY] Round of applause for the first fire of the house!

- She's very- ♪ Burning down the house ♪

- Ever since Kelly was born,

she has what we call, "A wobbler."

- Leave it alone! - Dad, its not hot anymore!

- Darling. Leave it alone.

It's kinda like a freak out.

(Ozzy screeching)

- But dad! - Darling.

- It's not hot anymore. - No, leave it alone.

- [KELLY] Fine!

- I want nothing.

Why are you so sarcastic towards me?

- I'm not. I'm in bad fucking mood now.

- What?

- I nearly set the kitchen- - Oh, shut up.

It's not your fault.

- [MELINDA] Someone's trying to find out-

- Wait til your mother starts with me.

She's had a wobbler every day since she's been living.

So when you say what causes a storm out, it's Kelly.

- Jack, Stop telling people you're Ozzy Osbourne's son

to get into places. 'cause you're a fucking loser.

- [JACK] Kelly.

I wouldn't fucking talk now, would I?

You are the one that goes

(Kelly shouting indistinctly)

all these clubs, "Yes. I'm Ozzy Osbourne's daughter,"

- I don't tell anyone. - Oh really?

- I get it because my friends know the doorman.

- Oh really? - Why don't you

shut the fuck up! (dog barking)

- Oh!

- Oh you fuck-

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop!

(bright upbeat music)

- Really, really, really, really serious about Kelly, mum.

I'm about to snap with her.

- [SHARON] She's tired. You are also tired

and you're snapping at each other the whole time.

'Cause you're tired. - It's not

that I'm tired, mom.

She's always got this attitude towards me.

- [SHARON] Jack, I'm not disagreeing with you.

We are gonna sit down

and everybody's gotta talk and get it sorted, Jack.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Has anyone seen the cat?

- You haven't seen her?

- [KELLY] And I picked her up

and I brought her in the kitchen.

(playful drum line music)

- [JACK] Puss.

- Jack is a pretty cool guy. Very, very mellow.

Very easygoing.

It's been pretty tough for him

because he's kind of the odd ball at school.

- Puss?

(Jack whistling)

- He is friendly with kids at school,

but he doesn't socialize with them.

Jack isn't one of these kids that'll hang at the mall

and go see movies that's not his life.

(box scraping)

(cat meowing)

- You wanna come outta town with us?

- [SHARON] What time are you going out?

- [JACK] I wanna leave in about

another hour and a half maybe.

- [SHARON] Where are you gonna.

- [JACK] Roxy.

- [KELLY] There's usually a 02:30 curfew.

They're just like, where have you been?

What have you been doing? And if they believe you,

then it's like one thing.

But if they feel like you're lying, which we usually are,

then it's like you don't really do anything

the next day, just to lay low.

- Who's are these things? Fucking things!

This shit will kill you faster than crack.

You know what?

I think tobacco is the most addictive shit

that I've ever put in my body.

And the the funny thing is,

you don't get on a buzz.

- [JACK] You do at first, apparently.

- No, you fucking don't.

- So I heard.

- I smoked heavily for 40 fucking years.

I've just quit seven months ago.

But I can't stand the smell of the shit anymore.

- You know what? I'm an ass kicking fat kid.

- What? - Nothing.

- You got money, darling? - Yep.

- Pretty as the night. - Thank you.

(kissing)

- That fucking crap on you again!

How do guys pull chicks on his fucking mouth?

Please don't hang, get drunk or get stoned tonight.

Because I'm fucking pissed off that I can't.

Don't be, don't drink, don't take drugs, tonight.

- No, no, I don't do that. - Please.

- I don't do that. - And if you have sex,

wear a condom.

(playful music)

(upbeat swing music)

- [JACK] Kelly has this thing about just leaving us,

when it comes to going to The Standard, it's her thing.

She tells me to fuck off and all this.

Kelly's in my, she's a little bitch when it comes to that.

- I don't know about that. - Kelly was a big ass mall rat

and I just started taking her to clubs

and then she kind of just, you know,

told me to fuck off and that was it.

(upbeat music)

- He's been running around talking crazy shit about me.

And I found out.

And I think it's more that he feels guilty about doing it.

So he's trying to be mean. And so he gets in a bad mood.

- [JACK] Dad, I'm so fucking pissed.

- [OZZY] What?

- [JACK] I've fucking had enough of Kelly, dad.

- What's going on now?

- [KELLY] Jack can do anything he wants to.

Say anything he wants, talk all this shit.

But if it comes back to him, he just freaks.

- Dad. I-

- Why don't you ask your Mom?

- Dad, I have. She won't do fuck all.

She goes, "Oh, I will, I will."

But she hasn't. And she won't.

I'm, dad, I'm just, I'm really,

I am about to lose it with her.

She ditched Sarah, who's supposed to be her best friend

and just left us.

If it wasn't for me, she'd still be at a fucking mall

with her dumb friends.

See, it was me who said, "Hey Kelly,"

when she used to hang out the mall

with her little stupid friends.

I was like,

"Kelly, come meet at some clubs. We'll hang out."

- Jack. I really, I really understand.

But you gotta understand where I'm coming from.

I love you all. I love you more than life itself.

But you're all fucking mad.

(upbeat jazz music)

♪ Life can be so sweet ♪

♪ Love can be so fine ♪

♪ I know I'm complete ♪ (Kelly laughing)

♪ When I hold your hand ♪

- Stop shouting at me!

- [KELLY] You're such a fucking prick!

♪ You and I embrace ♪ (dog growling)

♪ Every time we kiss ♪ (Kelly shrieking)

♪ As we stand there face to face ♪

- Kelly, if you hit me, I'm gonna do it again.

Kelly!

♪ I believe in chance ♪

♪ Gonna fall in love ♪

- Ow!

That's on camera, Kelly. I'm showing that to mom.

- [SHARON] Jack and Kelly are still fighting.

My husband's still moaning

'cause he still can't work the remote control.

But at least we finally moved into the house. We're home.

(indistinct mumbling)

Can you imagine the neighbors

when they see that up at the door?

(upbeat jazz music) ♪ Something that I'm ♪

♪ A son gun ♪

♪ But I'm out to have some fun ♪

- [NARRATOR] Next time on the Osbourne's.

- It's like fucking Dr Doolittle's fucking house here.

(upbeat jazz music)

Get off the fucking-

Oh my God, she demolished the fucking seat!

Maybe we have too many dogs?

- [SHARON] Did anybody feed the dogs?

No! Oh my God. Pissed on my new couch.

- Hi guys! - Marie, this is Ozzy.

- Hi.

- [SHARON] It's a therapist and she's gonna help us with

- No, darling, you don't need a therapist!

You just need to get up at seven and open the fucking door.

(upbeat jazz music) ♪ Hey ♪

♪ But that's how it goes ♪

♪ Millions of people ♪

♪ Living as foes ♪

♪ And maybe ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To learn how to love and forget how to hate ♪

(cartoon laughing)

- [OZZY] Rock and roll!