Original subtitles

- Mel Gibson, I love Mel Gibson.

Where does he live?

(paper rustling)

I'm out here in Malibu, resting,

and I sent my husband and my kids out today

so I could get peace and quiet,

and I came up with the idea

of sending them out onto the movie star tour,

and I can finally get some peace and quiet.

- [OZZY] Kelly, please, I'm talking.

Shut the fuck up!

- I'm not talking! (laughing)

Dad, he's not coming by? - Shall we go in?

- Shut the fuck up! - No!

(metal rock music playing)

♪ If I were an Osbourne, I'd get a new tattoo ♪

♪ And dad would get one new while mom scares Motley Crue ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah, whoa yeah ♪

♪ And if I were an Osbourne I'd hang out with Pat Boone ♪

♪ We'd sing heavy metal tunes just like bark at the moon ♪

- Did anybody feed the dog? - No!

♪ Oh yeah ♪

- Sharon!

♪ Mother Sharon, sister Kelly ♪

♪ Brother Jack ♪

Jack!

♪ We'd moon the telly ♪

♪ If only I could be from Osbourne stock ♪

♪ If Ozzy was my dad, well that would rock ♪

Turn the fucking thing off, it's driving me mad!

(rock guitar solo)

Who pissed?

Who pissed on my fucking carpet?

♪ If Ozzy was my dad, well that would rock ♪

I love you all.

I love you more than life itself,

but you're all fucking mad!

(rock music continues)

(playful music)

- That's dad's star right there.

Where everyone's standing around, that's dad's star.

- Usually we try to see stars from the bus,

and now we have stars on the bus.

I've seen you guys on television.

Ozzy, Kelly, Jack, you guys, welcome aboard!

I'm Dan, I'm your guys' tour guide.

- I had no idea the power of television,

and how it impacts on people's lives.

No idea about it.

- TV is the most powerful form...

I thought movies were, but TV is the thing.

- I think the show aired on a Tuesday,

and on the Sunday I took the kids out,

and people were coming up and stopping us

and I'm like, "What the hell is going on here?"

And it was kind of like instant.

(upbeat music) (people shouting)

♪ What can I give you ♪

♪ What would make you happy ♪

- I was in Boston and somebody comes to me and goes,

"Ozzy, what are you here for?"

I've got to do a show.

"What kind of a show?"

And I go, "A rock show."

And they go, "You do that as well?"

(fans screaming) (upbeat music)

- It's weird having people tell you that they like you

because you don't know what to say.

- You step back and you think, oh my God,

how lucky are we.

How unbelievable is this.

- [JOURNALIST] For God's sake, Ozzy, say hello!

- I remember saying to Sharon, I remember saying

to my wife Sharon, "You see, this is happening too quick."

(techno music)

- Well, the hottest show on cable

right now is "The Osbournes."

"The Osbournes" has become a phenomenon.

- It's sort of like, "Sharon!"

(techno music continues)

- This is like "The Addams Family"

or it's like "The Sopranos."

- "The Osbournes" is the most successful television series

in the history of MTV.

- MTV Spring Break 2002, and never in my wildest dreams

would I imagine I'd be standing her with Ozzy's offspring.

(techno music continues)

- Does this really go on in this household?

- I can tell you with a hand on my heart,

everything that you see on that television show is for real.

(techno music continues)

(bottle thumps)

- [JACK] Cool.

That couldn't have hurt. - You wanna die!

- Fight!

I'm the ref.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't!

- Let's see what can go out the window.

Maybe a mac thing. - Jack!

Stop it.

- [OZZY] Stop, shut the fuck up, man!

- Tommy Mottola came up with the idea

of putting together this Osbourne family record.

The track that was getting all the airplay

was Kelly's track, and it was a huge, huge hit at radio.

(crowd cheering)

- From the rest of the Osbournes,

we just wanted to say thank you so much for coming down,

and we heard that some of you were here since last night.

It was number one most requested for five weeks on radio,

and-- - "Dreamer" went number two.

- Yeah, and dad was number two.

(surf music)

- People are really drawn to Kelly.

I think that the breakout stars

of our show are Kelly and Lola.

(Lola coughing)

I go to the magazine stands

and I look at it like to see Kelly here,

and I marked this, 'cause this is like...

Look how gorgeous she looks.

♪ Daddy, daddy, thank you for making my whole world ♪

♪ Daddy, no one else can show me that your dreams come true ♪

♪ What would I do without you. ♪

- Shut up, dad.

- Why are you so fucking goddamn rude to me, Kelly?

- Because you're talking about I don't go to hospital

unless they give me heroin.

I'm sorry, I don't really want to hear you talk about that.

- I love you. - Fuck off.

- Jack is a typical 16-year-old.

(upbeat rock music)

- How do you wake up, Jack?

- I wake up and-- - Jack wakes up, jacks off,

and then goes out to try and find as many women as he can

because he's famous from a TV show.

- That's right.

- [OZZY] Put your hand there, son.

- Thank you.

You see, and is there anything wrong with that?

- You know, look at this.

Jack, meant to be going out with this lady.

I mean, who's the lucky boy?

(upbeat rock music continues)

- I'm gonna see the Playboy mansion though.

Is that the mansion right there?

Is that it, is that it?

- [DAN] There it is, you guys, on the left,

the Playboy Mansion. - Yeah!

I want to go outside and say hi.

I want go ring the bell.

Heff!

Woo hoo!

- It should be called the old Playboy Mansion.

(surf music)

I went to the Playboy Mansion twice.

Fucking incredible building.

- Every time I get invited, mom would let never let me go.

- You know why

we would never let you go?

If you, that...

Oh, forget it.

(upbeat music)

Bubbles!

I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, the Prince of fucking Darkness.

(dogs barking) (playful music)

(chair clattering) (playful music continues)

- So many people that we know or associated

with have said, you know, can we come on

and let's do like a day at the doctor

or a day at the dentist or a day here, there, or whatever.

And we're like, you don't get it because you can't plan it.

It just has to be what it is.

And I don't want it to be one of those, oh, you know

like celeb shows that there's a ring at the door

and there's a celeb that just comes in

and strolls in because that's not what we do.

That's not our life.

Apart from Mike Myers coming to the front door. (laughing)

(rock music) (people laughing)

Ozzy comes upstairs, he's getting ready to leave,

and he goes, "Mike Myers is at the front door."

And I'm like, "Fuck off."

- Mike Myers just turned up and all these crews turned up.

Every day's the same.

It's so fucking nuts, man.

But it's good fun.

- The idea is that you guys have been watching the new

Austin Powers movie. - Yeah.

- You get to a place where it just seems too familiar.

You're sick of it and you're like, boobs.

These filmmakers are, she says...

You say boobs, she says boobs, Ozzy.

- I had my dressing gown on.

I mean, I never even washed my hands.

And it's like...

I'm like "Hi, Mike, hi Robert."

"Good to meet you."

I'm like shitting!

- Okay, if you, if you start it off Ozzy

with just saying boobs.

- Boobs!

- There you go, that's it.

- Boobs!

- Boobs, Ozzy.

- These filmmakers are just (beep) boobs.

♪ Smile ♪

- Fuck off.

♪ Smile, even when ♪

- Yeah, can we go by the Sharon Tate murder house?

- The Queen's Jubilee was just unbelievable.

(techno music)

I'm Sharon Osborne and I'm finally inside Buckingham Palace.

When we were asked to go to the palace,

I was just like, this is another joke.

This is a windup, somebody's winding us up.

I've been very naughty.

Very, very naughty.

Who is your manager? - Bruce Allen.

Do you know Bruce? - Of course I do.

His breasts aren't as nice as mine though, are they?

Oh, he caught me!

- Well, I'll get my dick out then.

(group laughing)

- Oh, give us a kiss.

- Oh, bloody, no, I can't.

Ozzy's around.

Hang on. - Come on.

(classical music)

(crowd cheering) (pyrotechnics exploding)

- I remember when I was a young kid

and it was coronation there.

That was when the Queen, got crowned.

And here I am 50 years, at the Royal Palace,

in the fucking palace.

- The master, Mr. Ozzy Osbourne!

(crowd cheering)

- Ah, there's my husband!

And there was Ozzy.

(crowd cheering)

(Ozzy shouting and laughing)

- Buckingham Palace.

It's like a fucking small town in it, under a roof.

- It was just amazing, and I'm looking at all the stuff,

looking at all the paintings and the chandeliers going, hmm.

That would look good in my house. (laughing)

And I'm going to Ozzy, "Go to the lew

"and see if there's anything you can, nick.

"We have to take something from Buckingham Palace.

"We can't go empty handed."

- I mean, I go to Prince William,

and I said, "Excuse me, where's the toilet here?"

He says, "I don't fucking know."

- The Queen, when she came up to Ozzy said to him,

"I hear that you are quite the wild one."

And I think he called her your, not Highness.

I think he called her Your Holiness,

'cause he was very confused.

(playful music)

And while they were in the receiving line,

Ozzy was stood next to Rod Stewart

and Kermit the frog was there,

and Kermit kept putting himself on Rod's shoulder.

So Rod was like, "Will you fuck off with that frog?"

And Rod ended up punching Kermit three times.

And so Kermit hopped from Rod's shoulder

onto Ozzy's shoulder.

So as Ozzy's in the receiving line,

there's Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth

with Ozzy and Kermit.

I know all he is doing is trying

to kick the guy who's got his hand up his ass.

It's like, "Please go away."

- There are people too...

I mean, can you imagine, and they go, "Hey, Queen.

"You gotta go to a paraplegia hospital this afternoon."

And she goes, "Oh, fuck."

(playful music continues)

- [SHARON] Oh, Jack, that's disgusting!

- My, teeth, my car, my vagina, my business.

(playful music continues)

- All these rumors about my kids,

who they're going out with and hanging out with.

(quirky music)

"Kelly: I like men who smell."

I think it's true, actually, she does.

She's very riffy.

- I have a really big problem with getting

thrown out of places.

- Why? - Because otherwise

I'm too loud or like disgusting men will come up to you,

and I don't know who they are,

and they'll be like, "Hey, come over here."

And I'll be like, "Nah, fuck off."

And it'll be like the owner's son or something,

and then I'll get kicked out

or do some stupid stuff like that.

It's just ridiculous.

- For a young chick out of Los Angeles who's a TV star,

she's like on the top five list of...

Excuse me for saying this, Kelly,

for them to get in the bed with, you know.

- So am I.

- [KELLY] Aw, you wish, Jack.

- Not everybody loves us, and I accept that,

but I'm such...

How can I say?

I'm so overprotective of my kids and my husband

that when I see something that's really going too far,

I can't keep my mouth shut 'cause I've got such a big mouth.

(upbeat music)

I started to get all these phone calls from friends

and they're going, "Oh, Bill Cosby said this, this,

and this and that the kids are sad and you're sad."

I'm like, "I know I'm sad, but my kids aren't."

(Kelly screaming and laughing)

Bill Cosby was a shock

because Ozzy had always been such a huge fan.

And my dear husband, he loved Bill Cosby.

Do you know why?

'Cause Bill Cosby never swears.

- Shut the fuck up, man.

I'm trying to talk, you're pissing me off now.

A red Ferrari.

- See, I love the "National Enquirer."

I just love it, I'm like an avid reader of it,

and they printed what he said about us,

so I sent them an open letter

telling him what I thought about him.

Nobody's perfect, you know, he should look at himself

and his own reputation before he starts on us.

And I kind of put like, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

If you don't like the show, don't watch it.

All you have to do is press that button

and change the channel.

(television static)

♪ Please just lift up your hands ♪

♪ If you like Ozzy ♪

There's everything from folders to backpacks

to bedsheets.

The dogs have their own book deal.

(dogs growling)

The Jason Dill doll.

He doesn't have posable joints,

he doesn't have kung fu grip,

he doesn't come with a voice chip

that says five cool phrases.

In fact, he doesn't do anything,

just like the real Jason Dill.

(Jason burping)

- I have my own action figure.

Oh, this is the revised one.

- [ACTION FIGURE SPEAKING] I'm an ass-kicking fat kid.

- I think you could get in trouble, 'cause that's a song.

- How do you make it work, Jack?

- [ACTION FIGURE SPEAKING] I love you all,

but you're all (beep) mad!

(playful music)

- I look like Satan's fucking cousin.

I wish I had teeth like that.

- I don't mind mine.

I like my outfit.

I think it's kind of cool.

- [ACTION FIGURE SPEAKING] I love you all,

but you're all (beep) mad! - Why do I have to hold this?

- Press them all at once.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

(action figures talking)

- I keep thinking to myself, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow

and we're gonna be yesterday's news,

and there's nothing wrong in that

because I've had such an unbelievable ride

that it's all so much that I keep thinking

every day I'm gonna wake up and we are gonna be like,

you know, please, passe.

♪ If only I could be from Osbourne stock ♪

♪ If Ozzy was my dad, well that would rock ♪

- Finally inside Buckingham Palace.

♪ Our dad's the Prince of Darkness ♪

♪ And our mom's the Queen, whoa yeah ♪

♪ Whoa yeah ♪

In less than a year,

all of this has happened to our lives.

It's just incredible.

(action figures talking)

- Dad, can you please stop?

- Get these motherfuckers out of our house!

Go away!

- "The Osbournes" tooth.

They're back. (suspenseful music)

- Hey! (dogs barking)

Lola!

- There was this dinner that happens every year

in Washington, the White House correspondence dinner.

(photographers yelling)

- Fuck you!

- Cut it out!

Cut it out, it's not funny! (Jack laughing)

Cut it out.

♪ I know you're going to be upset ♪

♪ 'Cause I was always a little girl ♪

- I'm having a nervous breakdown.

(piano music)

- [VOICE RECORDING] Relax and breathe.

(Ozzy singing warm-ups)

(suspenseful music)

(alarms buzzing)

- Bong!

- Everything is really great for us,

then I think something's gonna come

and like, you know, knock us on the chin.

- And the week before I go on the Ozzfest,

I got the news that my wife's got colon cancer.

- I don't feel sick.

I still don't think that I have cancer.

- Group hug.

- I played doctor today.

I got to change mom's bandages,

and I made everyone wear masks and gloves for fun

every time they came in the room.

- It gives you a deformed face.

(man screaming)

(water splashing)

- You should just put us all in a hospital ward.

(Sharon laughing)

If you had half a colon, you wouldn't have broke an arm.

(people yelling) (gentle music)

♪ Everybody loves somebody sometime ♪

♪ And although my dream was overdue ♪

- You need spritz.

Don't Kelly, that's my spritz!

Kelly, stop throwing my Prada jacket.

- Now fuck off, guy.

Your name's gonna be dead if you taste this chicken.

(knives sharpening)

(firecracker screaming)

Now dogs, look at me.

Fuck off.

♪ I would arrange for every girl to have a child ♪

- That was Dill.

Old buddy, old pal's coming to say again.

Woo!

(man stumbling)

- Jack, where do you want your friends?

- Don't even worry about it-- - No, no, no, no.

- Because Kelly is not gonna be pleased,

and if the singer is not happy--

- Jack, I'm sorry that you can just never be happy

for anyone and you just-- - Jack, I'm asking you, baby,

where you do you want-- - Don't even worry about it.

♪ Everybody loves somebody sometime ♪

♪ And although my dream was overdue ♪

(knife clanging)

- I've done a lot worse than jump up here, son.

Like throw a television out the window.

- [JACK] You mean few weeks ago.

- Shh!

- I like warming my butt by the fire.

It's good to be the fucking king.