Original subtitles

# I'm goin' down to South Park #

# gonna have myself a time #

# friendly faces everywhere #

# humble folks without temptation #

# I'm goin' down to South Park #

# gonna leave my woes behind #

# ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor #

# headin' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind #

# come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine #

Saigon is a hell of a place...

I've seen a lot of death, a lot of suffering.

Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see...

I tried to sit it out as much as I could.

What's the matter, Conner?! Don't like a little blood?!

No, I don't like a little blood.

Blood ain't the stuff for 18 year old boys from sheboygan.

Blood ain't the stuff for Mitch Conner...

Incoming!

Conner, Mitchell. You're discharged, son.

And that's that.

Pack your bags, you're headed home.

Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.

So how do I end up here?

With a 9 year old kid, who just wants to know who his father is...

Life is funny like that.

One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam

and the next you're playing doctor Phil

with some kid and his teacher.

Eric, I... I'm really sorry that you were put through all this.

Sorry is a four letter word with a "y" on the end.

That doesn't mean anything to this poor kid.

That's right.

Tell me the truth. Now!

All I can tell you Eric is that we were all told to stick to the story.

To protect someone very important.

I can't say more. I won't!

But I'll...I'll tell you who has the answer....

Look, gingers...

You said you wanted Muhammad we got him for you!

We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there!

It could be a trick!

It's no trick dude!

My friend and I went to the super best friends and brought him here!

Then have him step out of the bear costume!

You have until the count of ten.

One!

Don't do it Randy, if Muhammad is seen we could get bombed!

Two! -Idiot! If he isn't seen,

we're about to definitely get bombed! - Three!

Alright, alright stop!!!... We'll do what you say.

I'm sorry, Muhammad, but will you please step out of the bear costume?

Okay, so um... see? Mu-Muhammad...

That isn't Muhammad, that's santy claus.

Sorry boys, I tried... - Aw crap.

Boys you got Santa to be Muhammad?!When?!

When you all said you were gonna hand Muhammad over to tom cruise.

We promised Jesus that Muhammad would stay safely in the u-haul!!!

I'm sorry, Kyle. I really thought my idea would work for you...

If we were gonna have someone in a bear costume

why would we actually have it be Muhammad you fucking idiot.

So where is he?!

Meanwhile, at the hall of the super best friends...

Buddha, will you lay off that stuff already?

It's getting to be a problem.

Oh and you're one to talk. With all your Internet porn.

Watching porn isn't like doing coke, fag!

Jesus Christ!

What?!

We've got a distress signal coming in!

On the super best screen!

Super best friends! You've got to help us!

The casa bonita is under attack!!!!!

Great Scott! It's Barbara Streisand!!!!!!

I thought Barbara Streisand had

been destroyed by the Robert Smith!

Yeah! Who would have activated her again?!

I don't know, semen.

It's sea man.

The casa bonita is gone! Jesus help us!!!!

Jesus, that's where those boys took Muhammad!

We have to stop her!

On the super best friends power cycles!

There, there my little mouse friend...

Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of...

Ahh Kevin, you brought me my fonseca. That's a good boy...

What's this? Someone is at the door, Kevin.

We've tried to be left alone, Kevin.

Who would disturb us at this hour?

We must be careful.

Why, it's an African American man, Kevin...

Yes? What do you want?

Yo, man, sorry to bother ya but

there's been an accident down the street man!

Can I use your telephone?

Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry but I don't let strangers in.

Yo I understand, man, but this assident is real bad, dawg.

My lady's legs is all busted up n' shit

she's all crawling around

on the road lookin' like a crippled crab, man,

I just need an ambulance, dawg.

There's a gas station about half a mile down the road.

They have a phone there.

Okay, I see... I guess I understand.

You just don't want to let a black man in your house.

No, please, it isn't that at all.

No I gets it man.

Thought thangs had changed through.

Thought when we got a black president, things would be different.

We gots a black president but whitey still don't trust me

to use his motherfuckin' phone.

No wait I'm sorry. You're right, you're right... we do have a black president.

Please, come in.

Ahh haaaa!!!!! - Aghghgh!

Ahghghggh!!!

Nice work, Conner.

Yeah. The the ol' hasn't anything changed speech---

works on white people all the time.

Eric Cartman?

Surprised to see me asshole? Close the door.

Holy crap!!!

Cheery ho!

My name is pip!

I would like to see if you wouldn't mind

not smashing our little town to bits!

Ahghgghghgh!!!

Meanwhile, at the legion of doom

-- which is tom cruise's house...

How do you like that?!

Celebrities can get violent too!!!

Mr. cruise, please call barbarastreisand off!

She's destroying everything!

We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!

We don't have Muhammad we aren't sure where he is!

That's your problem!

Get him back or babs will kill you all!!!

Oh boy!

Kenny! Kenny dude what the hell?!

You're supposed to be watching Muhammad!

I am! He's right there.

Oh thank God. Hey Muhammad.

Really sorry about all this, dude.

So what the heck are we gonna do now?

Muhammad isn't safe here!

The gingers and celebrities all want a piece of him

I don't know where we can go!

Wait-- no wait a minute.

I've got it. I've totally got it! - What?

Remember the time we got an elephant to make love to a pig?!

Yeah...?

I totally now how we can give the gingers and

the celebrities what they want,

but keep Muhammad safe! Come on!

She's going to get our coffee store next!

Oooh! Jesus Christ!!!

That's enough Barbara Streisand!!!!! Kwaaaaa!!!!

Smith! Try your ice breath!

No good!

Look out!

Barbara Streisand's using her toxic stink ray!

Eric... your father never wanted this to happen.

He was protecting you as well as them.

Them who?!

Eric, you have to understand- it's all very complicated.

Then start explaining it to me.

Very well.

Come on Muhammad the door's open!

Doctor mephesto we need your help!

Oh for crying out loud now

everybody's letting themselves in!

Doctor, this is Muhammad! We want you to clone him!

So we can give his copies to gingers and Barbara Streisand.

Oh... alright...

No, no, no-

he's not doing anything except explaining who my father is.

Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now.

It's all that matters.

Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is!

Muhammad is an important issue with actual ethical ramifications.

I guarantee you, people care waymore about who my father is.

In the small Mountain town of South Park,

the holy prophet of the mormon religion

is trying to fly up the nose of a deadly female singer.

Wahgghgh!

Our powers aren't working, swallow!

We can't attack Streisand's nose, it's just too big!

We have to find another weak spot!

Moses!

What?

We need to know any weakness Barbara Streisand might have.

Um... lemme think... um...

Oh I know.

Barbara Streisand can't resist singing duets with Neil diamond.

Alright, I'll build a stage.

Lao tsu use mind control to get a huge audience.

Buddha and Smith use powers to find a band.

Semen, you and swallow go get us Sushi for dinner.

It's sea man and swallow!

Okay, semen you guys head off.

Fine! Swallow come!

No way he just said that!

Alright, alright look, just tell Cartman who is dad is real quick

so we can clone Muhammad.

It's a complicated story... I just can't tell him quickly.

Then we'll wait because we have to clone Muhammad now.

Is Muhammad more important than a little boys broken heart?

Oh you are not doing that again.

Look mephesto-

you tell this kid who his father is and you do it now!

Stop talking with your stupid hand.

Who you calling stupid, Jew?

Come on you guys we're running out of time!

Yes?!

Hey I'm sorry to bother you! There's been an accident...

I need a phone!

Yeah, right. Let me guess- you're an African American.

Well... yes I am, but I don't know what that has to do with anything.

Beat it! I'm not helping you!

Dude! - That's not cool!

No, no you don't understand.

We understand you just sounded like a freaking racist!

We don't live in the sixties anymore you know --

we have a black president!

Alright, alright, jeez-

ha haaa!!!!!

Oh crap the gingers!

Gingers?! Noo!!!!!

Later, at the legion of doom...

Tom, tom! The gingers are claiming zey have Muhammad!

What?! Impossible!

Zey are sending a message now!

On screen!

We have Muhammad! We have Muhammad!

He's useless to you!

You can't get Muhammad power to not be made fun of

without the rob reiner goo transfer machine!

Why do you think we're calling?!

Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you

if you're willing to share the goo machine with us.

Your... boss?

What's going on?

You got what you wanted gingers, so let us go!

Oh no, no! The head ginger has plans for you...

What head ginger? And where's Cartman?

Ha, ha... the head ginger has something really special planned for him...

Hello? What the hell is this? Where am I?

You really got yourself in a mess this time, kid.

Shut up, Conner... how about I shove this flashlight in your mouth.

Marrmgmgmmm....

Hello?! I'm here, whoever you are...

Eric Cartman... I've waited a long time for this.

Daddy?

Guess again.

Welcome, to my chili con carnival!

Chili con carnival? Wait a minute... no it can't be.

Oh but it can!

Revenge is a dish best served...Chili!

Scott Tenorman.. Ewww...

Meanwhile -- at the concert stage Jesus built

with his power of super carpentry...

That's it, Jesus!

The band has been paid and the pa system is working!

Alright krishna, the rest is up to you!

Form of -- Neil diamond!

If you all wouldn't mind...

I'd like to invite a special friend to join me on stage.

Miss Barbara Streisand!

Let's hope to Christ this works..

Hello gorgeous...

What'd ya say? Shall we sing together again like the ol' times?

Eaerhgghhhghgh!!!!!

Earhghghghghhghghg!!!! Earhghghghghhghghg!!!!

Well that's because I loved you girl,

and I still love you now.

What have you got to say-

earhghghghghhghghg!!!!

That might be true, but I still miss you at night...

Arhghgghg

when you roll over by my side, and you kiss me goodnight...

Arhghgghg ghgghghghgh!!!!!

It worked, Jesus! ,

yeah... and now to find Muhammad and take down tom cruise!

Do you remember when you had my parent's killed

and fed them to me as chili?!

I spent quite a while in a mental institution Eric...

A lot of time for me to learn everything about you.

So that one day I could take you down.

I even learned the name of your father.

Oh I know you're confused, who wouldn't be?!

You've been lied to by everyone!

Even by your own mother. Ha ha haaa!

What do you know?!

I wanted to torment you with your father's identity...

But what I found was more shocking than I could have possibly guessed!

Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair...

Alright, Muhammad is secure!

Let's do this.

Throw the switch, rob!

Ughghghghgh... Yes! I can feel it!

I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins!

Eeeeeyaaa!!!!

A ha ha ha haaaaa!!!

Omg! It worked!!!!

I've done it! I've done it!!!!!

Look at me!!!! I'm not okay to make fun of anymore!

Ooh you lucky fucker -

welcome everyone to the final act of my fabulous chili carnival!

Please! Leave my boy alone! - Mom?!

I got them all here for you, Eric!

To listen while you got told the truth!

Please, don't! We have to protect 'em!

Protect who?! - Yes, protect who?

Tell him...

Mr.... jimbo!!!!

Protect... The Denver broncos...

Meanwhile....

This is incredible! Who wants to go next?

I want to be next! - No gingers go next!

Gingers can suck it I'm next! Ha ha!

It's my goo machine I'm next!

Nobody is going next!

Muhammad is our super best friend-- let him go!

They can't stop all of us! Get em!

Kewaaa!

The Denver broncos...

There was a right tackle see,

who had an illegitimate child with your slut of a mom!

And everyone here covered it up to protect the bronco name!

They were having a really good year! There couldn't be any distractions!

My dad was a Denver bronco? -Would you like to meet him?

Well, you can't. Ever. Cuz you see, Eric....

We have something in common.

Did I ever tell you that my father...

Played for the Denver broncos?

No... no...

The only bronco who lived in South Park.

He got a little bored one week and had

an affair with a slut named liane Cartman.

No please-- - tell him!

You almost did before but you got shot by your brother

who was a bronco fan! Tell him!!!!

It's true.

Jack tenorman was your father...

You killed your own father and then you fed him

to your half brother!!!!!

No. Noooooo!!!!!!

Ha ha ahaahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!

Now eat your chili!!!

Keyaa!!!!!

The super best friends?! Oh no!!!

I'll get you tom cruise!

Hey look- tom cruise has sea man on his back.

What did you say?

Oh yeah, tom cruise does have sea man on his back.

I guess maybe tom cruise likes semen.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa!!!

You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore!

What the hell is going on?! -I'll be back super best friends!

Who's the creepy ginger kid?

Reiner! You said the goo machine would work,

but I got made fun of!!!

That's because there is no goo, Mr. cruise!!!!

You see, I learned something today...

Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things

that we weren't allowed to show. But it wasn't because of some magic goo.

It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence.

That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned,

it's that terrorizing people works.

That's right. Don't you see gingers?

If you don't want to be made fun of anymore

all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.

That's right, friends.

All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people

and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.

Yeah...

Alright people let's start rebuilding our town...

For the thirty ninth time...

Oh dude... look...

Hey... Cartman...

Look, man...

We know what you learned is pretty tough to hear.

Tough to hear?!

My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad!

Don't you guys realize what that means?

Yeah, dude... We know what it means.

My dad was a ginger!!!!

Wait, what?

I mean, obviously I take after my mom,

but I have the ginger gene inside of me!

Dude, you killed your own dad

and you're worried about that?!

Hey, Eric... Eric!!!

What?!

Come on, cheer up. - Cheer up!? I'm half ginger!

Yeah but you're forgetting...

You're also half Denver bronco.

That makes you pretty cool.

Hey... you're right... That does make me pretty cool...

You gotta be kidding me!

Shut up, Kyle. You dumb Jew.

You've got bronco blood in you kid.

That makes you awesome.

Me... I should be moving on.

Really Mitch you gotta go?

There's a bounty on my head

and I can't afford to stay in one place too long.

So long... Denver bronco.

Take it easy Conner.

Look, Mr. cruise,

I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer

and that you had semen on your back...

I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away.

But there's nowhere on earth that people

aren't around to rip on me.

Hey... hey we know a place!

We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy...

And no humans are there to mess it up.

We do?

Oh yeah... we do!

You-- really?

Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet?!

Oh please can you show me where?!

We'll do better than that. We'll help get you there.