Original subtitles

Previously on "Future Man"...

‐ Another escape on your watch, Saint Jackalope?

‐ Get bent, Mathers.

You know, if they cancel the show,

the network will take me and Stanley away.

That's not gonna happen.

This isn't Haven,

but I believe that something is happening tonight

at midnight that will take us there.

‐ I think the universe is ending.

We're looking at temporal decay, time overlapping,

future and past existing simultaneously.

It's like a black hole but for time.

Eventually, it'll get so big,

it'll suck every timeline into it.

Original Tim ripped a whole in space‐time.

The rip makes time travel possible,

but its continued use makes the apocalypse inevitable.

Ahh!

Ahh!

‐ You came.

I knew you would.

‐ It burns.

‐ My lungs are on fire.

This air is poison.

‐ Where are we? Is this‐‐is it the past?

Is it the future?

‐ Is it even Earth?

‐

I had sex with Marilyn Monroe.

And Jesus.

‐ Why can't you keep a goddamn rhythm?

‐ I'm so alone.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Oof! Oh! Oh!

‐ People as weak as you,

well, they need protection, not scorn.

‐ Oh, shit.

I was a loser.

‐

Balance is within. Balance is within.

- Balance is within.

‐ Balance is within. ‐ We gotta go!

‐ Go? To where? How?

Wait, the cubes.

We can put the cubes together, and Susan will come.

He's gonna help us, okay? Get your cubes‐‐

‐ You, zip it. You're not the boss of me!

You took advantage of me when I was in a weakened state.

You made me feel so small!

‐ You do that to me all the time!

‐ Well, it's not a nice thing to do!

We're going back to Iowa State.

‐ What? Why? ‐ To save the universe.

‐ Since when is that a thing you care about?

‐ I don't know. Spending eternity

in an existential netherworld changes a person!

‐ What?

‐ The weak deserve our protection.

‐ No! I want to go home!

I want‐‐I want to see‐‐ I want to see my parents!

I want to forget!

I‐‐I'm out of the savior business!

Oh, fuck. That's‐‐that's the same thing

I told Jesus when I broke up with him.

‐ Killer burn!

Going home to Mommy and Daddy's gonna have to wait.

‐ We can do both.

We use the cubes to summon Susan.

He's expecting Haven.

We take him to Iowa State, show him the way.

Josh, you go home from there

knowing that you honored the deal in good faith.

Wolf, you stay, fulfilling your new calling

as a man who serves others, not just himself.

Our journeys, they only conflict if we allow them to.

‐ Okay.

Ready? Three, two, one!

All right, another meteor arrives in ten,

so let's make this quick.

I got a rendition team on standby.

Show me the stronghold. I assume it's subterranean?

‐ Sorry, Susan.

This isn't Haven, but we're gonna take you there.

- Oh, fire. - Holy shit.

We should probably leave soon.

Uh‐huh.

Wow, this is Haven.

No, it's Iowa State University,

home of the Cyclones, gateway to Haven.

Also, it's the end of space‐time,

and the universe is collapsing in on itself.

Hmm? What is that horrible noise?

That's new.

Can someone tell me what's happening here?

Overlapping timelines, other realities

colliding into our own faster and faster and faster

until they all become one, and that one gets‐‐

‐ Sucked into a big fucking time hole.

You're telling me the Big Suck is real?

Very, and from the looks of things outside,

it's happening right now.

‐ This is bullshit. ‐ No, it's not.

If what he's saying is true, then‐‐

‐ Yeah, but‐‐ but how do we know?

I've been in a room just like this

looking at a blackboard with a bunch of shit on it

that's all made up.

We're not scientists. You are a game show host.

‐ My Daytime Emmy says "presenter."

‐ Okay. You're a chef‐slash‐

wheel maker‐slash‐guy who used to blow stuff up with bombs.

Let's check in with our fearless leader.

‐ Amazing. ‐ Yeah, see?

No one's home there,

and I failed high school chemistry twice.

You think that this team of ragtag heroes

is gonna solve the mysteries of the universe

in a 20‐minute jam session?

‐ Not with that attitude. ‐ We're doing it again.

We're trying to make things better,

and we're just gonna end up making things worse.

‐ This time is different.

This device allows me to access any moment

across every timeline, but it's telling me

that near here is a time and place that is singular.

‐ So? ‐ So infinite universes

with infinite timelines,

do you know how many moments in space exist uniquely?

‐ You obviously know that we don't know the answer to that.

I barely understand the premise of the question.

‐ 60. A trillion. ‐ None.

‐ Oh, the ultimate anomaly.

‐ So the portal that opens at midnight is the only portal.

‐ And the Big Time that presses that button at midnight

is the only Big Time.

We stop him, we stop the rip in space‐time

from ever happening, save the universe.

‐ And we can end time travel forever.

‐ What?

No, please no more circles. It's a sickness.

‐ This is the rip that made time travel possible.

- ‐ This tracks. - Sure does.

‐ Just gonna add one more circle.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do not add one more‐‐

Wolf, please, I‐‐stop! Stop!

This was not the deal. The deal was,

we get you to Haven, and you give us our freedom.

‐ Well, I'm in.

Universe isn't gonna save itself.

Tiger?

‐ Oh, my path is unclear. I'll know when it appears.

‐ That's a soft yes if ever I heard one.

‐ Futturman, I loved my job in the entertainment

division of the government, but the network has a way

of sucking the joy out of any endeavor,

including hunting humans for sport,

which is pretty cool,

but we end time travel, I'm free.

Sure, I'll be stuck in 1999, but I'll be stuck here

with the only ones who I really care about.

This is my family, and it's totally normal in my time.

‐ Well, uh, I don't keep my family

in little cubes in my pocket, and you guys clearly do not

need my help to go and stop a guy in his dorm room

from doing whatever the fuck he's about to do,

so please just send me home.

‐ All right.

This TTD is preprogrammed

to take you back to the moment that you defeated Biotic Wars.

If you wear this when you travel,

you will have no memory

of anything that happened afterwards.

‐ Wow. ‐ If you're gonna use that,

use it before midnight,

'cause that's when we're gonna close the portal,

end time travel once and for all.

‐ Come on, Josh. There's a Viking long ship

docked outside this building right now.

You're seriously just gonna walk away?

This has the trappings of perhaps

our greatest adventure yet.

‐ I'm done adventuring.

I'm just‐‐ just ready to go home.

‐ Okay.

You better get going then.

‐ Ooh!

Does this version of you do good‐byes or‐‐

‐ Endings and beginnings

are just constructs of an imprisoned mind.

‐ I'm out.

‐ All right, plan's pretty simple.

There's a mad computer genius

holed up in his dorm room plotting

to rip the world a new one at midnight.

We got 20 minutes, there are three of us,

and we know exactly where to find him,

and in my experience, computer geniuses turtle pretty fast.

How could we possibly fail?

Okay, I see one way.

Mathers.

I'll hold them off. You go.

Stop Big Time.

I'm re‐doing my living room. Go!

‐

I'm out?

That's a shitty good‐bye.

I got time.

Guys, quick, we're gonna lose him.

There. There he is.

Act like you've stalked the internet

measuring time and space before.

Yeah, stick to the shadows, rook.

Okay, sorry.

That was weird.

Oh, the dorm.

‐ Shit, unstoppable murder bot.

I hate that guy.

‐ I must face him.

That's my path.

‐ Okay, okay, look, uh,

I understand you went through a little something in Haven.

We all did, but that's a straight‐up suicide mission.

‐ Haven't they all been suicide missions?

‐ I mean, we call them suicide missions,

because it sounds cool, but, well,

to be honest, most of them are homicide missions.

This, this is suicide.

‐ Perhaps. I mean, I know I can't defeat him,

but I can make sure he doesn't defeat us.

Go.

Complete your transformation from selfish to selfless.

‐ I need you to know

that no matter what happens,

you will always be like an incredibly hot

former stepsister to me.

‐ I have complicated feelings for you as well.

‐ Susan.

Susan.

Oh, Susan.

Only you would try to hide on a stage.

‐ "The Matrix," all right, Keanu Reeves, Carrie Ann Moss,

I mean, it's so good.

‐ We've identified witnesses. Awaiting your command.

‐ Terminate them. ‐ Copy.

These aren't time rogues; they're nerds.

- Not cool. - You're telling me.

Look at these dweebs.

The theme is, "The Next Millennium."

Make the theme "Girls," and maybe some will show up.

Am I right?

Right? Right? Right? Right?

Redemption, thy name is Wolf.

I got time.

‐ Ahh!

Fuck that hurts.

‐

I'm bringing you in, Saint Jackalope,

and with the capital that earns me,

you're looking at the next network president.

‐ You're just a bureaucrat whose only real skill

is blind ambition,

none of the traits of a network president.

I may not have your flair for theater,

but I do know a little bit about entertainment.

I'm not just gonna cancel your show

without a proper send‐off.

There will be a series finale featuring "The DieCathlon's"

very own host

as its final contestant.

‐ Fuck, that's a good idea.

‐ Oh, you thought you were so clever,

hacking your cerebellum, turning off your DNA address.

How would I possibly know where you'd turn up?

Unfortunately...

The network has all kinds of ways

of tracking its property.

God damn it, Gandhi, now is not the time

to meditate! Come on, guys.

My best friend Osama bin Laden says paradise awaits.

Haven this way, let's go.

‐ Oh, shit.

A very excited crowd here at Times Square.

I don't know about you guys.

But I am ready to want for nothing.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Haven awaits.

‐ You know, for an unstoppable killing machine,

someone's got a sweet tooth.

Trail ends here,

but for you, my friend, the journey is just beginning.

Ahh!

‐ Ahh!

Ugh!

‐ Awesome.

‐ Keg's dusted, and so are you.

Keg toss!

Trying to shoot my nerd?

‐ Ugh!

‐ My nerd?

They say the sodium in this stuff will kill you.

Guess my name's sodium.

Ahh! Augh!

Mm‐mm.

‐ Bet you wish you'd turned this thing's field level down.

‐ Look, just wipe her memory and reprogram her.

Have her do small engine repair.

Just don't kill her.

‐ Her? You mean it, and you can kiss it good‐bye.

‐ No!

‐

She's not an it.

Her name is Stanley,

and she's my daughter, you son of a bitch.

‐

‐

You're conditioned to kill.

It's what you do.

It's who you are, but somewhere,

somewhere in your programming

there's a curious bit of code wondering,

"Is that all I am?"

You're‐‐you're remembering

a life in Sparta,

a life that was all your own,

life before wartime

holding on to who we think we are.

It's a great‐‐

it's a great comfort,

but it's also a cage.

‐

‐ All right, Stanley, she's‐‐

she's very dead.

That's‐‐ that's just overkill, sweetie.

Oh, actually, you know what? That's my bad.

I've got you set way past normal kill.

There we go.

‐ Daddy, you saved me.

‐ No, sweetie, you saved me.

‐ Augh.

‐ Thank you for saving us.

‐ No, no, thank you.

I know your struggle.

I know the pain of being unloved.

But I know now that my path lies in helping others.

‐ Well, what should we call you?

‐ Oh,

I don't need recognition.

I'm nobody.

‐ No, I mean should we call you an ambulance,

or do you want to take a taxi to the hospital?

Jesus Christ, hurry up. No, not you, Jesus.

I know you're doing the best you can in those sandals.

What's your excuse, Roberto Clemente?

‐ Wow, what a dick.

Let's go back to...

‐ Whoa!

‐ What exactly are you doing, dude?

‐ I had to use the whole dorm's network to get all the movies

so I could be the guy who had all the movies.

How was I supposed to know that one of the files was corrupt?

Fucking sliding doors.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like

if I didn't download that movie.

‐ So wait, all of this is because you're trying to give

everyone a new computer virus

to cover up for the one you already gave them?

‐ Yeah, but they don't know I gave it to them yet,

and I can blame it all on Y2K.

I got time. Last semester was hell for me, no friends.

Everyone calls me Big Time, because once I mentioned

I was JV tetherball captain.

‐ Oof, Big Time. ‐ I know, and that was before

I destroyed everyone's computers.

If they find out about this,

next semester will be even worse.

‐ You know, I really understand the feeling

of wanting to press a button and undo all your mistakes.

‐ We got time.

This is a good plan.

It'll work.

Where are they?

Come on, come on.

I can fix this.

I can fix this. I can fix this. I can fix this.

‐ Do you know how many times

those exact words have come out of my mouth?

But you can't fix it.

What's done is done.

All you can do now is‐‐

is try to handle these consequences

with a little bit of grace and a little bit of courage.

‐ You don't understand. This is the end of the world.

‐ I know that it feels like that to you,

but it isn't.

The world has a sick, sick sense of humor,

and it will surprise you how it reacts

to all your little ways to fix things.

You end up in a very,

very weird place with a very different vibe,

and that tetherball thing comes back in a big way.

‐ What? ‐ The point is,

you can't cover up your mistakes, okay?

You can own them. You can learn from them.

You can make them a part of who you are.

That is how you build character.

Let this moment be the origin story for your character.

Get close to somebody you love.

‐ Say good‐bye to the old you.

Grow up. Move on.

And we're gonna count...

‐ We can't go back.

Are you ready?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, if we're out here, we're out of time.

Six, five,

four, three, two, one.

‐ The anomalies have stopped.

Just the calm before the real shit storm.

‐ We die together,

a good death.

‐ Oh, hey.

I have a useless pocket watch for you

and a souvenir headband for you.

Look, we've, uh,

we've never been good at good‐byes,

so why start now?

- ‐ You stopped him. - You were right, Tiger.

Our journeys only conflict if we allow them to.

Besides, I think it was about time

I moved out of my parents' house anyhow.

‐

Well, that's all of them.

Get these bad boys on ice, you can set yourself up

with a nice little black market organ business.

Me and Kiefer knew a guy in Little Armenia back in the day.

Oh, he would take these off your hands tout de suite.

‐ I think I'm actually gonna dispose of any evidence

that ties me to 3491, but thanks.

Well, maybe not all the evidence.

Guys, actually,

these are the murderers I was telling you about.

‐ Oh, I have data‐sorbed so much about you three.

You know, I think deep down

Susan was rooting for you all along.

‐ Don't tell them.

Anyway, who's ready for a road trip?

‐ We are 254.8 miles from the icon

of the American capitalist experiment,

Mall of America.

I suggest we chart a course with alacrity.

‐ How do you not love this kid? It's impossible.

Anyway, vehicle, move in a forward fashion.

Set a vector.

Hello, vehicle?

Hello, vehicle. I'm your new owner, Susan.

And I would like to chart a course.

‐ You think they're gonna be okay?

- Respond to me, vehicle. - Yeah.

Vehicle?

Well, guys, stuck in the year 2000.

Dawn of a new millennium.

Gotta say, I did not expect this

to turn out in this way.

Fun of the ride, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, it's taken me 10,000 lifetimes

to learn how to say this, but I finally can.

It's "Futturman," not "Foo‐tturman."

I know that now.

Very good.

And I'm happy to know you.

You too.

Wolf, anything else you care to add?

I'm proud of everything you've accomplished.

Oh, thanks.

- With my penis. - Okay.

Hey, um, question,

how did you guys design, mass produce,

and send a video game back through time

when you were living in a sewer.

Well, Josh, the answer to that

is remarkably simple, see...

Whoo!

Whoo!

‐

‐ You don't know me.

I'm from the future,

and in another timeline. We were best of friends.

We accomplished amazing things together.

You're better than this place,

but I'm here to take you away from all this.

‐ Okay.

You got a gym bag?

‐ Nope.

‐ You just drove here like that?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Classic Blaze.

We're told we only have one life to live,

but that's not really true.

And that's why Corey Wolfhart's Home for Wayward Nerds

is the philanthropic endeavor I'm most excited about for Q3.

We grow, change, evolve,

sometimes in ways that surprise even ourselves.

How bad is it?

‐ People in the street are calling him the Squiggler.

However, I don't know why.

I'm coming for you, Squiggler.

We can create newer, better versions of who we are,

open to all of life's wonders and possibilities...

Finding strength we didn't know we had,

peace where before there was chaos.

You just have to be willing

to get out of your room when the chance arrives,

and maybe let go of some things

you didn't think you could live without.

‐ Are we pushing him too high? ‐ Not high enough.

‐ Well, with that kind of mixed messaging,

how do we not fuck this kid up?

Hey, there's that weirdo again.

Oh.

What's your problem, man?

Hey, beat it, you perv.

Yeah, keep walking.

We'll always be here for you, Joshie.

‐ Always. ‐

‐ That's right. ‐ Yeah!

Figuring out just who you are can take time...

Someone went a little nuts with the Sunny D.

For some a lot more than others,

but we all get there sooner or later.