Original subtitles

How terrible! We're going!

You should be ashamed!

- I don't like your father. - Why not?

He only thinks about women, sleep and cigars.

And stars...

- let's go. - Wait.

- Can you see alexander? - Yes.

Take your hands off me!

Let's wait until everyone has left.

Sometimes i want to kill you.

And other times?

Other times i want to love you forever.

- Pjotr! - What?

You're eating onion again?

Why pjotr, why?

In the film there were palm trees,

the ocean, bangkok...

rubbish! Do you know why emmanuelle is happy?

Because the guys in the film...

...have got big guns. Like pushkin, like me!

You don't understand anything. Just eating raw onion.

Such passion!

Pjotr, why so crude?

Love has to be beautiful, it has to be poetic. Bangkok...

- you want bangkok? - Yes!

What are you doing?

Here are your palm trees!

Here's your... bangkok!

- Here's your... - emmanuelle...

- but, i can't. - What can't you?

Pjotr! The size of your dick... it's not normal.

My lieutenant's is like this...

but yours is very, very big. It's just not possible!

You want me to cut it off?

Cut it off!

Ok.

- Pjotr! - Let me!

He's crazy.

Some door should be open.

Can i help you?

Yes.

I'll be right there!

What's wrong?

Pjotr put two ball bearings on his penis

and had sex with veronica.

The lieutenant's wife? With ball bearings?

It's because his is very big.

Like the pilot's in 'emmanuelle'?

Idiot! He's heard something

about constriction devices. But they're not made of steel!

The penis is inflated like a zeppelin!

- Show me! - Show him!

You drink my whisky!

You screw the ballerina in my office! Bastards!

Pjotr, want some water?

Calm down!

How did this happen?

- We watched 'emmanuelle'... - me too.

Did you like it?

Yes, but no-one there puts ball bearings on his prick!

- Could it be sawed off? - It's made of special steel!

I've tried the hartmann method.

Hartmann recommends wrapping the penis with tape,

beginning at the distal end and moving upwards in a spiral

towards the point of constriction!

But with such swelling hartmanrs method won't work.

Call maria markovna!

- Which markovna? - Your mother!

Call martha too. The consequences are hard to predict.

No, she's a pensioner, she's got asthma!

Our steel is won'th its weight in gold!

And you go and put it on your prick. Really, comrades!

It worked!

Bring him here, the rake!

Just look at him!

Don't be frightened!

Go!

Watchmaker's precision! Thank you.

Where are you, veronica? Oh, damn you, show yourself!

I'll blow this whole fucking town to pieces!

Come out! Veronica! Where have you gone?

Come out this instant...

...or i'll blow this whole fucking factory to pieces!

Oh, veronica! Come out!

In all my professional practice i've never seen anything like it before!

I could say even more:

It was huge, terribly huge.

27 centimeters!

And if it had burst?

I'll kill you, i will, i'll kill you!

- You're a bitch, veronica! - Shut up!

- I'm not a bitch! - Be quiet!

- Not in the face, mama! - Shut up!

What are you doing here?

I've come to watch the moon.

- What are you doing here? - I want them to drink my blood.

Idiot! I'm the one with bad blood. I need leeches.

You've got all the leeches in the swamp on you.

Now he's going to come out...

he's going to come out, to take five steps,

and then stumble.

- I missed it, dad. - Aim well! Go on!

Is this what you call hunting?

They said there are lots of wild boars here.

Look! A boar!

What is it?

- A boar? - Doesrt look like it!

Was it a wild boar?

I think we've just killed a domesticated pig.

Let's get out of here, quick!

- Maybe it really was a boar? - No, boars have tusks.

Lulu! Where's my little piggy got to?

Have you seen my pig?

The silly thing escaped again!

- What's its name? - Lulu.

- Oh, lulu! She ran that way. - Thanks.

We're just disgusting... ...really disgusting.

It's not my fault: After the film he came

and asked the unimaginable of me. This morning he lay dead in bed!

The headmaster in the french teacher's bed!

There its wife comes!

It must be terrible,

to find its man dead in bed of another woman.

I don't know this man.

And i hardly know him...

hardly...

you know what,

the school will take care of the funeral.

He was a good headmaster and a man of morals.

It's better this way.

Have you found your cat?

I lost the sea and my cat.

Here, eat this!

Your eyes are so sad.

Take those here and put it on in such a way.

You can hide behind them.

Here's your lamb.

Let me take it some other time, ok?

Hello, hello captain nemo!

So, i'm not captain nemo!

- I'm a stray dog. - A straight what?

A dog.

- Homeless. - Where are you going?

I've lost the sea.

I'm searching for another, but there isn't one.

Are you married?

- Me? - Yes.

- No, no. - No?

- My boat is my wife. - Why?

Oh, no!

In our town there are so many marriageable girls,

it's unbelievable!

We'll come and visit you, ok?

Alright? You agree?

- You okay? - Where are you going, alexander?

- Is it good? Go swim! - I don't feel like it.

Aha, the crazy guy is back!

What's wrong, mama?

- Where's veronica? - Here somewhere. What's up? A bit drunk?

No, you blockhead! She's in the bushes with a lover.

What bushes? What lover? Are you delirious?

No, i'm not. I know everything.

- What do you know? - Shut up!

So beautiful.

Beautiful?

I ought to turn away, but i can't. Such beauty!

I'm coming closer.

There's no love!

There is!

No, there isn't!

Yes, there is!

Have you seen sibylla anywhere?

Your little tart is busy pulling someone's pants down.

Who's that bird in the photo? Your grandma?

One day grandpa caught her with the husband of the laundry-woman.

Can you see better now?

How terribly!

My husband!

I'm about to be unfaithful, and there he is having a shave.

But you told me you were a lonely woman

on the lookout for a man.

I am a lonely woman!

Now i know where my cigars go!

Into the kitchen. Come on!

Into the kitchen? Now?

Why?

Come on!

Get out of here!

Let go of my hand!

- Stop it! - No.

Bloody little bitch!

Let go of my hand!

Little girls don't behave like that!

I don't give a damn how little girls behave!

I love you.

And i won't let any other woman have you! Do you understand?

I'm an adult and can do everything for you they can.

Got it?

Fire!

15 - 23! 16! Ready! Aim!

Fire!

Ready! Aim!

- 19 - 68! - Fire!

Ah, my back!

I'm ok. Oh, dammit!

You see?

You really hurt me. Right here.

Mickey! He's over there.

I've been looking for you for two days.

What are you doing here?

They don't want to sting me.

- Let's go. - Leave me alone.

Wait, wait! Do you hear me?

- Please stop! - I don't want to see you.

Listen to me! Wait!

You and me are the main thing! Wait! Listen!

- Enough. - You idiot!

Wait. Are you listening?

Tell me what you want me to do.

Tell me, and i'll do it.

Marry veronica!

Which veronica? But she's married to the lieutenant.

Then marry maria, the chemist,

or that idiot sappho. I don't care who. Just get married!

Will you marry me?

My father is getting married too.

What?

Sappho and he are old school friends.

He wants to marry that sleepy-headed idiot?

He's at her place right now.

Actually i quite like her.

Alexander! Alexander!

Oh you idiot!

It's been ages since i last danced.

Thank you, alexander.

Here's a toast to you wonderful ladies!

Let's go!

Where are you off to, captain?

Don't give that idiot any more to drink!

- Where are you going? - Where is he going?

So many beautiful women here!

I'll give you a night...

i'll give you a night like you've never had before, my love.

I'll give myself to you.

I'm dying of desire to love you.

I want every bit of you.

My love.

Leave me alone! Please!

Micky!

Captain!

Captain!

Sibylla left, she sailed away and out of my life...

73 times i kissed her that summer,

though she said i was allowed 100...

where have those 27 kisses gone...

fire!