Original subtitles

Yeah

Yeah, don't stop

The vibe is to stay alive

The system I got to tell you 'bout

Carjackin', everybody gonna scream and shout

See the man put the knife to your head

Pop! Pop!

You could be dead

Booyakasha.

Welcome to me video. Congratulation on a wise purchase.

If you is wondering where the money goes, let me explain.

12% goes on distribution.

8% goes on packaging

that fancy plastic cover don't come for free.

20% goes to Mr Retailer

and the remaindin' 85%

goes into this bag of skunk.

Thank you very much for your contribution,

Alison Redman, from Ruislip in Middlesex.

For most of you, this video is purely educationalist,

and hopefully you will learn some serious stuff about life and thing.

Unless you is a proper mong.

But for some of you ladies out there,

you is using this for another purpose.

If your man has left town for a couple of days

do not feel shy to take this off the shelf,

stick it in the recorder

and have a little fiddle in the downstairs department.

I hope I can do for you what Britney Spears has done for me.

However, if you is a boy and thinking of knockin' one off to this

then think again.

May I suggest you exchange this video for a Queer As Folk box set,

also available from Channel Four Video.

So for the rest of you, free your mind and enjoy.

First up, me met a geezer called Judge Pickles,

who despite his name, ain't a DJ,

but is actually a judge.

Westside.

Yo, yo, whassup! I'm here checking out my main man, Judge Pickles.

We're here talking about the law.

Law is something you need to get down with

if you don't wanna go in the nick.

It ain't borin', it won't stop you scorin'.

We're here to find out how it can be fun,

but also know what's goin' on so you don't go down.

- Isn't that right? - I'm not sure it's fun.

- What is it, then? - I did 40 years. I found it boring.

Now, what is the fifth amendment? You gettin' me?

The fifth amendment...

Isn't... That's an American thing, isn't it?

What?

It's not a British idea, is it, the fifth amendment?

When you say, "I plead the fifth amendment..."

- Well, that's in America. - Would you back it?

- No. - Why not?

Because American law doesn't apply here.

- Why not? - Why should it?

What if it was drink-driving? If it was a drink-driving charge?

- Could you plead the fifth...? - You can never...

In this country, the fifth amendment doesn't apply.

- Never? - Not in court.

When can you murder someone?

Well, that's really a nonsensical question, if I may say so,

because if you are entitled to kill somebody it's not murder.

OK. But can you murder someone if someone, say, calls your mum a slag?

No, no, no...

But if they diss your mum, if they call your mum a slag?

You ring the police, the police ain't gonna do nothing.

Well, it depends, I suppose.

If you called my mother a slag and I then, er, killed you,

provocation can reduce murder to manslaughter.

So where's the line? They call her "slag" - manslaughter.

If they call her "bitch", is that murder?

OK, now, you're a judge.

How do you know when someone's guilty?

Let's have this scenario.

You've got a guy there, 19-year-old,

driving a top-of-the-range Saab with the lights and everything,

leather seats, bitches in the front and back,

woofer speakers, gold tooth, UV light underneath,

big drum'n'bass comin' out,

the guy never done any work in his life.

Is he a rapper or is he a dealer,

considering he never touched any decks or held a mike in his life?

Are you gonna put this man down?

No, I'm not going to do anything,

except accept the verdict of the jury.

You think this man ain't a dealer?!

Come on, put him down!

Do you think women should be on juries?

Oh, yes. Of course.

What about when they got the painters in?

Eh? Oh!

What about when it's rag week?

- Sorry! - How can they be thinking straight?

- Serious. - Well...

Serious, my woman doesn't know what's going on.

Everyone is guilty when it's her time.

Everyone. I do something small - guilty! You should be chopped!

I don't think you could start asking people intimate questions

and saying...

That's why you should not have women on the jury.

No, no. I've never thought about this before.

You get wise, know what you're doin' and get legal.

Aye!

Big shout goin' out, my main man, Pickles.

Big shout goin' out.

Selecta! It was right down here where me first realised

that Britain is like a lady's punani

cos they is both made up of many parts.

The, the and the.

And if you wants to keep the whole thing happy

you must pay proper attention to all of them.

Which is why me went to check out Wales,

which me likes to think of as the of Britain,

to help solve their problems.

Check it.

We'll keep a welcome in the hillside...

When you hear the word Wales

you probably think of the fish with the biggest dick in the ocean.

But it is also the name of a country only 200 miles away from Britain.

They is all bangin' on about a devolution

so I is come here to find out what it is and if I can help.

Westside.

What does your boys want?

We want self-government for Wales.

So what happen if, you know, Blair go mental or whatever,

and wanna come and invade the Wales?

- What will you do? - We'd sing him away.

Check this, I is now going to a coal mine,

which is where the Wales people used to live underground.

Millions of years ago, miners lived in here,

before they became human beings.

No, they've never lived within the mine, they only worked in the mines.

What, people work under 'ere?

Yeah, 30 to 40 people working here every day.

That is a... crap job.

No, that's an importantjob.

So what kind of animals is there down in the mines?

Is it true that there was animals there

that were like dogs with a head of an ant that could fly?

I haven't seen that.

Was there squirrels there that was, like, three metres long?

And had eyes this big but couldn't see?

No, I haven't seen or read about that.

Follow me now and I'll just show you some photographs.

So why is it mainly brothers who is working down here?

- Brothers? - Aye.

Why is it mainly the black man. That's a bit racialist, innit?

No, no, no, that's sweat and dirt, that is.

So why is he pretending to be like a brother?

But he hasn't blacked himself up

or pretended to be, like you say, a brother.

Ali in the land of Wales, Ali in the land of Wales, bo!

The kids at this university might all sound like divs

but they are speaking in the language of Wales.

I is gonna go and learn some of this "Welsh"

and see if I can try and prevent from getting covered in flob.

Check this.

What's this?

- Helen dwi yn. - What?

Helen dwi yn. I'm Helen.

- What? - I'm Helen.

- 'Allo. Ali. - Dwi yn.

- A... Ali. - Dwi yn.

- Ali. - Dwi yn.

- No, Ali. - But you say "Ali dwi yn".

Why do you say, "Do an E"?

That means "I'm Ali". Not "do a knee". Dwi yn!

- Aye. - Helen dwi yn.

Do an E. Ali do an E. We'll both do an E.

- Pretend you're these people. - Ali... do an E.

You could say "Mr Bean dwi yn".

Mr Bean do an E.

But he'd never do an E. He's stiff, man.

Right, how about telling me... you like different things, OK?

Wicked. I like... me like punani...

Hang on, we're gonna use this "dwi yn" again. OK? To say "I like".

She can do an E.

Dwi yn hoffi.

- You say "hoffi"? - What is that?

- "I like." - Hoffi?

- "Hoffi", to like. - Like coffee?

- Yeah... - I don't like coffee.

Oh! Tell me something you do like.

Chicken. Me like chicken.

So, dwi yn hoffi...

- Dwi yn chicken. - Dwi yn hoffi.

No... chicken... I don't like coffee.

"Hoffi" means "to like".

Yeah? Dwi yn hoffi chicken.

No, I don't like... coffee.

Nothing to do with coffee. This is "hoffi".

Not coffee. "Hoffi" means "to like".

So "I like"... "dwi yn hoffi".

Dwi yn chicken.

- Dwi yn hoffi. - Dwi yn hoffi, dwi yn chicken.

What do you want to drink?

- Dwi yn... - Hoffi...

- Dwi yn... - Dwi yn hoffi Coke.

- Aye. Coke! Coke. - Dwi yn hoffi Coke.

- What d'you like on television? - Dwi yn... Dwi yn...

Jerry Springer.

- Dwi yn... - Dwi yn...

I don't... No, I told you, I don't like coffee.

That means "to like". Jerry Springer. Dwi yn hoffi Jerry Springer.

- Dwi yn... - Forget coffee.

So why does it sound like coffee?

It's the Welsh word for "to like". Dwi yn hoffi Jerry Springer.

Dwi yn hoffi the Springer!

- Cock. - Cochh.

Why is it called that? Cock?

That's a special letter we have in Welsh. It's different to English.

Ch. Can you say that? Ch.

That's it. In the back of your throat.

Cochh.

Wicked. We has learnt a lot about the Wales today.

But most important, let's increase the peace

and keep it real.

Take it away, boys.

We'll keep a welcome in the hillside

Hillside!

We'll keep a welcome in the vale

In the vale!

This land you knew will still be singing

Me singin'!

When you come home again to Wales

Come home to Wales!

When you hear the words "Clapham Common", "Rasta" and "Batty boy"

you may well think of MP Ron Davies,

but I's met him, and he has told me he was never there

and that he lost his keys and thought maybe he could find them

up a man's batty.

Whatever. I went to natter to him about the Wales thing.

This is goin' out to the Cardiff Massive.

Respect.

Check this, everyone. I be with none other than me main man Ron Davies,

him be from the government,

and he is gonna talk to us about the Wales.

- Mm-hm. - Wicked.

Nice. Respect.

So what is so good about Wales?

Because, with no disrespect, me heard it's crap.

- Well, it's a beautiful country. - Aye.

We've got lovely scenery,

we've got mountains and coasts and beaches.

For them people out there, what they don't understand is

why is you lot blowing up the Catholics?

What we want to do is... That... that's in Ireland.

Because where me come from, from Langley, near Berkshire,

there is the Eton Wick Massive that was a posse,

and they was part of the Berkshire Massive,

and then they said they wanted to be the Eton Wick Massive.

Is that what you lot is on about?

- We just want to be together. - Wicked.

To take decisions for ourselves,

to look after each other and respect each other.

- What is the language? - The language is called Welsh.

- Or... Cymraeg is the... - No, it's called...

Natch?

- Welsh. - Welsh is the language?

- Welsh is the language, yeah. - Can you speak a bit?

- Yes. - Come on.

If I met you in the morning I would say, "Bore da. Sawl ti?"

"Good morning. How are you?"

- That ain't real. - It is real.

And you would say "Dwi'n dda iawn, diolch. Sut ydych chi?"

"I'm very good, thank you. How are you?"

- That ain't... - The oldest language in Britain.

It's funny what... all the things you said.

I bet you was calling my mum a slag or something.

No, in Wales we're very polite.

When you start speaking all that...

It's not that. To someone who speaks Welsh it's a good accent.

So is you a rich country?

No, we're not. Maggie Thatcher closed all the coal mines.

- Aye. She was a bitch. - She was worse than that.

- Aye. She was a slag. - Yeah...

We've got big unemployment and poverty.

Do you think that they should do nuclear testing in Wales?

- No. - But you can earn a lot of money

if you say, "we will test nuclear bombs in north Wales."

But it's not very good for the people there, or the environment.

For real, but if they got a few hundred squid a head...

I don't think so.

So was Di Princess of Wales?

Yeah, she was. Yeah.

So I bet you was well upset when she got...

Yeah, that's right. And, er, she was very much loved in Wales.

So do you think it was Elizabeth that...

so she could get Wales as well?

No. No, no, no.

You don't think it was a woman thing,

that she was jealous that Di was... had the Welsh Massive

and she wanted that too, so...?

No, I don't think so.

It is time for people out there to start using this...

- to stop doin' this. - Yeah.

Then they will start feelin' this... and other things too.

Respect. Big up yourself.

- Great. - Keep it real.

Junglist posse, aye.

Now, you is never too old

to learn how to handle yourself in the ghetto.

That is why I run workshops in gang culture,

here at the Aubrey House Residential Home in Guilford every Wednesday.

Now, Heather, what is the three biggest dangers on the street today?

Uzi, drive-by and crack.

Respect.

To learn more about new education method

me went to check out me main man, Sir Rhodes Boyson,

one-time minister of education.

Check it.

Now, the AK-47 is a manual loading, semiautomatic piece of weaponry

that if used right can fire up to 40 rounds per minute.

Ethel? The AK-47.

I don't know anything. Don't ask me today.

I'm too worried.

OK. Don't be worried, it is not loaded.

Listen 'ere, I has got none other than me main man,

Sir Rhodes Boyson in the house,

cos we is talking about the education thing.

Let's talk about the discipline.

Do you think, Sir Rhode,

there is enough... discipline in school?

I think there's slightly less than there should be.

Do you believe kids should be caned?

I do, and I...

You do?! Wicked, man!

- Kids should be caned in school? - Even in school.

Do you not think if you get caned you can't concentrate as well?

Cos a lot of people say that if you're caned.

Well, I was caned and I've concentrated all my life.

You were caned? Respect, man!

- From that... - Respect.

So, I mean, it shouldn't be done... shouldn't be done badly.

- Aye, you got to have good stuff. - You have to have rules in life.

- You have to have good cane. - You have to have a good cane.

Do you think sex education should be taught in the school?

- No. - Why not?

I-I-I think that is the job of the family.

Do you think porn stars should teach sex education in school?

- No. - Why not?

Because I-I do not respect... porn stars, as you say.

But they has more bonin' experience than anyone.

But not the experience that I want for our country.

But someone who has had a four-header

will know how to cope with any situation.

Well, some of these situations I wouldn't put myself in for.

For real, Sir Rhodes. Me feelin' that so strong.

Let's talk about the teaching methods.

Do you not think, Sir Rhode, it is time for a new teaching method?

No, human nature hasn't changed since the Garden of Eden.

What about rap? Do you think rap should be used in school?

I don't know what rap is...

Rap is like, you know...

Me checkin' it, me rockin' it, me feelin' it, me rockin' it

Boyson in the house make it feel it like a mouse

Well, it's... it's rather nice is that,

but I think it's... that's for the school yard.

So, what about the maff?

What do you reckon about the maff?

Do you rate the maff, or do you rock the maff?

The maths?

- The maff. The maff. - What's the maff?

- You know, one, two, three... - Oh, that's right. Very good.

Why don't they teach proper maff in school?

What do you mean by proper maths?

Why do they teach in kilos and grams

when you should really deal in ounces,

quarter ounces, eighth of ounces?

All me work is in ounces. Why don't they teach in ounces?

I prefer the old ones.

Being a traditionalist I would have them back.

Wicked. And you need to know about quarter of ounces,

eighth of ounces, all that.

Particularly if you're doing baking, anything like that.

- Aye, baking. For real. - For real.

- I make my own breakfast every day. - I, me make me own.

- Very good. - Aye.

Whoever bought a kilo of anything?

Apart from me mate, Dave, and he's down for a 14-year stretch.

I mean, what is that useful for, the kilo?

I'm not certain that the kilo is a great one.

Sir Rhode, do you think there should be mixed schools?

I think there should be a choice.

For parents, and the pupils themselves.

Do you not think if you have mixed schools

the boys will spend all their time chasin' muff

and girls will spend all the time preparin' their muff?

No, I think if the school is run properly, and well-controlled...

Aye.

That... It-it-it's right.

But me, me got an A+ in punani but me failed me exams,

cos me was so into the chasing the bit of...

Well, you'll have to... That's your fault.

- I think overall... - Aye.

single sex schools work better than mixed schools.

But do you think single sex girl schools, they just breed, you know,

people who drink from the furry cup?

Never having drunk from the fairy cup I don't know the liquor in it.

- But... - Ah, you know, Sir Rhode, you know.

You know, them girls that is drinking from the furry cup,

that like to eat from the bushy plate.

- You know what I is getting at. - Yes, I know.

Sir Rhodes, will there always be

education throughout the nation

stoppin' domination?

- There'll always be... - In the station.

Yeah. There'll always be... some method

of... one generation...

putting in the work of the next generation.

Wicked! you is rockin'.

Sir Rhodes Boyson in the house!

Booka! Booka!

I wish you was my teacher all them years ago

I wouldn't have turned out like this.

Fr-fr-fresh

Check-check-check, checada-checada,

check-check this out.

According to the DSS, I live in three of the flats in this block.

Not to mention one in that old biddy's home we was in.

But not everywhere is as beautiful as the Tupelow House estate.

Apparently there's this well mingin' place called "the countryside"

so me got in me motor and checked it out.

Respect.

Wicked! I has come out to the countryside

cos it ain't only animals that live here, there is people too,

and they has got issues they is worried about

and is gettin' all menstrual about,

so me is findin' out what they is. Check this!

Ali in the countryside, Ali in the countryside

Ali in the countryside, Ali in the countryside

In the countryside it is important to wear the right clobber

so you don't look like a prick.

That is why me is wearing "wellies"

- Your name is? - Terry Foggall.

Easy, now. And you is gonna take us around this farm.

Let's check out a few animals.

There's one here you won't come out with.

Aye. What the fuck is that, man?!

Check out that mother!

- And what are these things here? - Sheep.

- Sheep? - Yeah.

Man, there's a lot of shit here, why don't you clean up?

Have a look down here. What is going on there?

Oh, come on, don't try any of that funny business!

Oh, you dirty boy!

I'm gonna tell the farmer you touched that!

- What do you use chickens for? - They lay eggs.

- What do you mean? - They lay eggs, like for breakfast.

- Eggs come out of chicken? - Yeah.

- Where do they come out of? - The backside.

- Out of their ass?! - You haven't lived, have you?

Me wouldn't even eat something from my Julie's ass.

Where did you come out of?

Me came out of my mum's... punani.

- Well... - Not out of her batty.

That is rank. Me ain't ever eatin' another egg.

Ali in the countryside, Ali in the countryside

Ali in the countryside, Ali in the countryside

Wicked. I is here in the countryside, I is checkin' out a hunt.

This is where a group gather their posse, get some horses

and shoot some animals - wicked.

- These are dogs? - These are the bitch pack.

But it is disrespectful to call a dog a bitch.

It is a terminology which is friendly, not disrespectful.

So you're not cussin' these dogs when you call them bitches?

You're not sayin' they is a bit loose?

No.

Do you call your women bitches, as well?

No.

Wicked. Me think me has spied the fox, aye?

- So is you the fox? - No, I'm just here for fun.

You is very modest, saying that you ain't the fox.

- Is you the fox? - No, sorry.

No, me don't think so.

We have learnt to respect the ways of the countryside.

It is a place of peace and tranquillity.

Let's keep it that way.

Aye.

This may look like a beautiful park, full of flowers and thing,

but last year this was the scene

of one of the bloodiest of battles ever happened in this world, innit?

I was chillin' with me posse when from over by the Starburger

there was the sound of speed garage.

It meant only one thing:

the East Staines Massive was on their way over.

Anyways, their boss man, Hassan B, comes up to me

and he says that me mum had been suckin' him off.

So I give him a one-inch punch like Bruce Lee

and I would have killed him if it was one millimetre to the left.

But it ain't just Staines where there is war happenin',

there is other places too,

which is why me checked out Major General Ken Perkins

who is the most highly-decorated soldier in British Army!

Check it!

Wicked!

I'm here to talk about the military.

I got with me my main man, Major General Ken Perkins.

He's seen a lot of action - in Korea, in Malaysia, in World War Two,

so he knows his stuff and he knows where he's at.

Now, the army is important, innit?

Well, yes, it's the mainstay of civilisation as we know it, probably.

So is it difficult to get in the army?

No, er... You need to be physically fit, er...

You need to be mentally alert, er...

So it's not just for people who is a bit thick, who don't have any...?

If you're a bit thick you won't get in.

What about the SOS? They is wicked, no?

- The SAS? - They is the hardest.

They are the best soldiers in the world probably, I would say.

- Now, is it hard to get in? - Extremely hard, yes.

Does it help if you've killed someone?

I don't know. Why?

Because I got a mate, Dave,

and he's preparin' to go in the army.

He says he killed someone, I don't believe him,

I think he's talkin' rubbish.

What about batty men in the army?

"Betty men"?

- You mean screws loose? - No, you know. Batty men.

- Ahh, you mean gays? - Aye.

Er, well, there have been gays in the army for years.

I mean, there isn't a problem unless you make a problem.

But a lot of the officers went to public school

and there's a lot of... gaylords there.

Is that not...?

Then they go into the army...

But they're not gays, are they?

Public schools are not a breeding ground for gays.

If you had benders,

wouldn't the other side be scared that they'd bum them?

- Other side? What other side? - That you was fighting.

War isn't like that.

You don't have a real vision of what war is, I don't think.

So who did you fight for in World War Two?

Who did I fight for? I was an artilleryman, originally.

On which side?

I was a British soldier.

- Did you think about changing sides? - Oh, God, no.

But let's say, me, I was always with Man United or whatever,

but when it became clear they weren't gonna win the double

I went to the Arsenal.

When you thinking that the Jerries was gonna win

you didn't think, "Maybe I'll go over to the Jerries"?

No one thought like that. Of course not.

You is a special guy.

So what is carpet bombing?

Carpet bombing is when...

a whole formation of bombers fly together

and drop their bombs all at the same time

to produce a carpet of bombs on the ground.

So why don't we do that on Northern Ireland?

We don't want to kill those people, do we?

- Why not? - Well, they're British.

But they is causing all the trouble.

It's only a small number of people causing the trouble.

Most of them are loyal citizens.

But how is you gonna be sure you're getting the troublemakers

unless you... do the carpet?

Well, why not lock up everybody in this country

to make sure you lock up the criminals?

'Nuff respect. Major General Perkins in the house.

He put a lot of years into the country.

Time that you, you at home, started putting in a bit.

Big up, sir.

This is a church, which is the place where religious people go each week

to do prayers, sing hymns and get circumcised.

I used to come here regular as kid,

mainly cos there's a great place round the back for a little smoke.

And apparently the police can't get you cos Jesus was a toker.

I went to meet the Bishop of Horsham,

who works for God and has even met Jah.

Respect.

So what does God look like?

OK.

Well, the best way I can say that is...

he is sort of Jesus-shaped.

- When you look at Jesus... - So he's got a beard.

That's not what I mean, it's not that he's got a beard,

it's the sort of person Jesus was.

Is he a man or is he a woman?

Er, well, he's neither a man nor a woman.

- Is he, like, a lady-boy? - He is a being.

So what has God ever done?

Well, he made the world. OK? He created.

He made the world?!

- Of course. - Did he?

I can only tell you what I believe.

I mean, I can't prove it to you, it's faith.

- You're saying God made the world? - That's what I believe.

And since then he's just chilled?

So what about, then...

The Virgin Mary - was she really a virgin?

I... I believe... that Mary was a virgin, yeah.

She found that she was pregnant.

She asked the question, "how can this be?"

I'm surprised she said, "how can this be?"

But me know girls who also say, "me find me pregnant."

You know, "what happened?"

And the mother say, "listen, girl, you've been muckin' around.

"You was drunk, maybe, something happened. Don't lie to me!"

So do you do miracles?

If I had they would have to be in the name of the lord.

Lindsay Irwin, that's my name. I can't do miracles.

God does miracles.

So can you do a miracle now?

It depends what you mean. I mean...

- A miracle, like what you said. - What I would not do, is test God.

One thing the Bible says is don't test God.

- Aye. - Don't...

Don't say that chair could lift up in the air to test God.

But can you do that?

It would be a miracle if everybody treated each other like brothers.

- Except some brothers fight... - I know. I know they do.

But that would be a better miracle than this chair moving.

If everyone treated each other as brothers.

No, if this chair moved that would be amazing.

I just wanna say, big up.

- Big up yourself, Bishop. - Is that what you say?

Me is here now in Leacroft Park.

This path here is the dividing line

between the West Staines Massive and the East Staines Massive.

I would be risking my life if I trod over this line.

There.

Lives has been lost over who owns those swings over there.

There is no easy solutions.

So usin' me knowledge of the street

me went to check out Northern Ireland,

to help solve the problems between the Catholics and the Muslims.

Hear me boy!

Ali in the North Ireland, Ali in the North Ireland, put it by now!

Ali in the North Ireland, Ali in the North Ireland

Check this, I is with my main woman Sue Ramsay.

She be a member of the assembly of Sinn Fein.

Now, Sinn Fein, what's the vibe?

Er... Sinn Fein is a 32-county party.

Our main aim is the reunification of Ireland.

What is the language they speak here?

- They speak Gaelic here. - Gay lick?

- Gaelic, yeah. - Is that, like, a batty language?

No.

- What is the real name for it? - Irish.

- What is... It's called Irish? - Yes.

So when they're cussin' it they say it's a gay...

No, Gaelic means Irish in Irish.

Aye. Because in English "gay" means a man who sleeps with another man.

- No... - And a lick is like... you know.

Is maybe the cause of the problem that they say...

And maybe it is a stereotype or whatever,

but they say the Irish is always up for the crack.

Is that a problem, because the crack makes you violent?

Me know people from me estate, they go mental,

and whenever there's someone around they wanna fight them.

- No. - It's a bad drug.

No, crack in Ireland means having a good time, a laugh.

Aye, for real. But it's also bad stuff.

There's a high, but after there's a low.

No, it doesn't mean drugs.

Ali in Ireland, Ali in Northern Ireland

Ali in Ireland, Ali in Northern Ireland - bo!

Wicked! I is with none other than me main man, the Lord Mayor of Ireland,

David Alderice, and we is havin' a cup of tea.

Hello, Ali. You're very welcome to Belfast.

I don't know what's goin' on 'ere.

Why is there all the fightin'?

There are people in Northern Ireland who wish to be in a united Ireland.

And there are people who wish to remain part of the United Kingdom.

And where does Wogan stand?

- Who, sorry? - Wo-gan. Wogan.

- Terry Wogan? - Aye, Terry Wogan.

I have no idea what his political stance is.

But was he not in the IRA?

Terry Wogan? No. No, he wasn't.

Ali in the North Ireland, Ali in the North Ireland, put it by now!

Ali in the North Ireland, Ali in the North Ireland

Booyaka, booyaka, junglist posse.

I is here now with my main man, Sammy Wilson.

Him be from the DUP that...

mean the... the democrat party or something.

- So is you Irish? - No, I'm British.

- So is you here on holiday? - No, I'm not.

Northern Ireland has always been part of Britain.

So why is everyone cussin' the RAC?

Well, I think... The RUC.

The Royal Ulster...

The RAC people, everyone is saying "the RAC..." Chuck stones at them.

And whatever, and it ain't their fault

if they don't come, you know, in time, or whatever.

Not everyone is doing that, that's the first thing.

Most people in Northern Ireland

actually use the police for their own protection.

But why is they using a breakdown service as police?

That sounds like the most stupid thing.

No wonder there is fighting here if they're doin' that.

I think you've got a mistake.

- It's the R-U-C. - Aye.

Ali in the North Ireland, Ali in the North Ireland

Which is the biggest city in Ireland?

Which is the biggest...?

Dublin, because it keeps on doublin' and doublin' in size!

Wicked, what? Have you got any jokes?

Well, there's a joke that's often told about Ian Paisley.

Aye.

- That he is on crack. - He...

He was swimming across the...

- Is he on crack? - No, he's not.

And... but he was... he was faced with

- a river infested with crocodiles. - Aye.

Before he got in he got this T-shirt with "I love the Pope" on the back.

And he swam to the other side.

And they asked, "How did you get past the crocodiles?"

And he says, "The crocodiles would never swallow that."

"I love the Pope,"Ian Paisley loves the Pope.

Crocodiles would never swallow that.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

He is.

Ali in Ireland, Ali in Northern Ireland

Ali in Ireland, Ali in Northern Ireland - bo!

Booyakasha. Check this.

I is with George Paton.

He be the chief executive of the Grand Orange Lodge of Ireland.

Wicked.

So what is this march that everyone bangin' on about?

That's a good question, cos we don't see the fuss sometimes.

- Do you have music at this march? - Oh, yeah. Lots of music.

- Do you have drums? - We have drums, yeah.

Is you knockin' out a drum'n'bass thing or more kind of speed garage?

It's all... Different drummers have their own rhythms, it's individual.

Do you not think, though,

me not giving advice, but from me own experience,

sometimes it's good to back up the drums with a bit of human beatbox?

- Well, yeah... - Do you not think that'd be good?

- Yes, of course. - But if someone was doing the...

People could chill from both sides.

I hope that people could.

Ali in Ireland, Ali in Northern Ireland

Would you ever marry a Protestant girl?

- I have. - Well, that is a gesture, no?

- That is towards gettin' the peace? - But I'm Protestant as well.

OK. If you weren't married to her,

- would you marry a Catholic girl? - Possibly, because of my faith, no.

What if she was really fit, though?

Because my religion is so important to me,

that's gonna be the overriding factor.

What if she had her own car?

If she had a sound system in it, whatever,

she wasn't gonna be stealing money from you,

would you go with her then?

I think that, you know, I am friends with Roman Catholics...

But would you get jiggy with them?

My religion is the most important thing to me.

Even if they was really, really fit?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's the bottom line.

Ali in Ireland, Ali in Northern Ireland - bo!

Respect.

Keep it real. Keep it safe. lncrease the peace.

- Nice. - Cheers.

When me got back from Ireland me nan said to me,

"Ali, you must have balls the size of oranges."

And I said "You know, Nan, I do.

"But luckily me know a lot of woman who love the taste of orange juice."

When the 11 O'Clock Show told me

I was gonna interview an expert on woman,

I said, "Listen, I don't wanna stand in front of a mirror!"

Ha!

But then they told me I was meeting Professor Sue Lees,

who is head of Gender Studies.

Check this.

Booyakasha! Check this!

Today we is talking about women.

I is with none other than Professor Sue Lees.

She be director of the Centre for Gender Research,

and we is gonna be talking about ladies.

Now, one in two people in the country is a woman

so it's about time we got to know about them.

- Women is important, aren't they? - They indeed are.

Very important. As important as men.

Which is better - man or woman?

Equality is not about being better.

But which one is better?

I don't think either is better.

But one must be a little bit better?

- In what respect? - Like, you know...

In the way that something is worse and something is better.

Do you think there will ever be a female prime minister?

- Well, there has been one... - When?

Margaret Thatcher.

No, she weren't prime minister. She was the defence minister.

No, she was prime minister.

Do you think another woman will be allowed to slip through?

The real question

is whether there'll be a president of the United States who is a woman.

Do you think a woman should be able to have any job?

I do, yes. I think they should be able to have any job.

Would you feel safe, though, if you knew a woman was flying your plane?

Wouldn't you feel safe? Do you feel safe being driven by a woman?

No.

Would you not be scared that she would start natterin'

or thinking about things and forget to fly the plane,

or get angry suddenly?

- That's incredible prejudice. - Why?

There's no evidence. Women are just as reliable as men.

A lot of boys is trying to get their girlfriends into feminism.

- Do you think that is right? - Yeah, I think it's a good thing.

Do you think all girls should try feminism at least once?

Well, girls today often don't recognise

how much they've benefited from feminism.

But do you think it is right

when they try feminism when they is drunk at a party with a few mates?

- What does trying feminism mean? - You know, try a bit of feminism

and next day get back with their boyfriends.

I don't understand "get feminist".

When they kiss a woman...

Being lesbian, you mean? Sexually?

- Aye. For real. - That's not feminism.

Feminism is not about sex, having relationships with other women.

- Aye, it ain't only about that. - It's not about it at all.

Me uncle Jamal, he says he is trisexual...

- Yeah. - He will try anything sexual.

What does that mean?

A lot of people would agree,

that they would like having sexual relationships

with men and with women.

So you is saying you think he has done it with men?

- That he has? - Aye.

Er, well, it would suggest that from that.

Or that he's interested in it. I don't know if he would have done it.

Depends what "done it" means.

You think me uncle Jamal is a batty boy?

I don't know about... I don't think he's a batty boy.

But you think me uncle Jamal like it in both pipes?

Well, I think he probably is making a joke.

For real. So it probably a joke.

- It's probably a joke. - Cos he is a joker.

If you called him that to his face he'd probably kill you.

Me just wanna say, thank you Professor Lees.

- Big up yourself. - OK. Thank you very much.

Imagine a place where there is no laws, serious muff

and the government actually buy you crack.

Fantasy? No, this place exist, in a country called Europe.

And luckily they want us to join them.

Weirdly enough, there is some nutters,

like this geezer, Teddy Taylor, who don't want us to!

Look at him!

Wicked! We is here with Teddy Taylor, MP for Southport,

and he is a Tory and he is talking to us about Europe,

because it's time we know about this Europe thing

that we hear about every day.

So, who else is in Europe, first off?

The countries in Europe

are countries like Spain, Germany, France and Finland

and there are some countries that haven'tjoined, and...

Most of them is crap countries, though.

Not crap, several are very good countries,

- Is Jamaica in Europe? - No, they're in the Commonwealth.

Is that not racialist, though?

No, they say only European countries can join.

Decisions are made by "horse trading",

you support me here and I'll support you there.

You mean, with horses?

No, horse trading is... Look, Ali, I don't want a Euro plug,

so if you vote with me to stop the Euro plug

and I'll vote with you on something else.

And where do the horses come in?

The horse might be, say, the Euro plug,

and in exchange they'll say, "we want more money for this or for that."

So the horse...

The horse is at a meeting? Wait a minute...

So what about pornos? Will that still be legal in Amsterdam?

Well, it's going to be very difficult indeed, as the borders go down,

to accept a difference of policy.

So will I still be able to buy stuff with dogs and women, or whatever,

in Amsterdam, or will it be illegal then?

Oh, no, you'll still be able to do that

but the question is, will it have the same law for Europe?

So we could get pornos of that quality coming here?

You could, if the European ministers decide

that the same rules should apply throughout Europe.

Are there any good things about it, though?

Like... I don't know, the ladies...

Everyone knows we got a lot of mingers here,

and you know, you get some Swedes, whatever,

because they is easier and less frigid

than some of the English girls.

Southend has the loveliest girls.

Me had a look around, man. There ain't one!

It's the nicest place in the world, Southend.

If you wanna join Europe make sure you have a B-R-I-A-N

know what you is doin' before you throw it all away.

- Big shout! - Should've done that long ago.

Langley Crew.

Art, like this, make the world more beautiful.

which is why me went to chat with Lord Hindlip,

because he be an expert on it.

That man did not stop laughing!

It may have had something to do

with him having a little toke from some Berkshire super skunk

I accidentally had on me.

Wicked! I is here with Lord Hindlip, he be the head of Christies,

and he knows everything about art and thing.

Now, art ain't just something for ponces and people that is stiff,

it is important for everybody, ain't that right?

Absolutely right, yeah.

So is art more about drawin' or is it more about colourin' in?

Well, the old-fashioned idea was that you start with drawing

- is still not a bad way to start. - Aye.

Who is the best artist in the world, ever?

I've thought about that a great deal...

- Aye. - And I haven't made up my mind.

Have you heard of Tony Hart?

- Have I heard of Tony Art? - Tony Hart.

Oh, him! Yeah, sure.

Do you think he is the best? Cos he can do anything in any style.

Anything in any style, but he's not necessarily the best artist.

- Have you heard of Rolf Harris? - I was going to say...

- Is he the best artist ever? - He's incredibly clever...

He's amazing, cos you don't know what it is until at the end!

- He's bloody clever. Fantastic. - Aye, he's a genius.

Who was the best impressionist?

- I always say Manet was the best. - Who could he do?

He could do anything.

Could he do Wogan? That's the most difficult.

Could he do walking?

Wogan. Which impressions could he do?

Oh! But don't... don't get... confused with impressions and Impressionism.

So, what is the Turner Prize?

The Turner Prize is valid, it draws attention to contemporary things.

- Who won it this year? - It was Chris Ofili.

He paints with elephant dung!

What?

- You what? - You asked me! Elephant dung!

Rubbish.

- Maybe, but that's what he uses. - Elephant dung? Like shite?

And that is art?

Me once did that with some dog stuff and me got a police caution!

Me put it on my enemies.

Me put "Smell this and you know what you is."

I got a police caution. This guy won a prize?

To be an artist, do you have to be a bit mental?

I think so, don't you?

- Because... - I hope so.

Me teacher told me Van Gogh chopped his knob off.

No, he didn't chop his knob off, he chopped his ear off!

- He chopped his ear off? - He chopped his ear off, yes.

- What did he do that for? - God only knows.

So thank you very much, Lord Hindlip.

You has shown that art is fun

and it is time that we all start knowing a bit about it

and not just going, "Hey, that's for batty boys,"

but goin' out there, realising it and makin' it real.

Hear this! This is the centre of culture in Staines,

where you can see all the best films.

This is where me first saw Police Academy 6: Mission to Moscow.

But there is more out there than just the ABC.

So check out me guide to culture.

Here it is!

Every day, zillions of squid is being spent on culture for posh people,

many of whom is professional gaylords.

I'm talkin' about opera, ballet and all the other shite on Channel Four.

Is this money being wasted?

Should it be spent on hospitals,

or making sure there is good crack on the streets?

I is come to find out. Rock it!

Ali in the culture, Ali in the culture, put it by now!

Ali in the art gallery, Ali in the art gallery - bo!

Big up yourself. Ali.

- Ernst Vegelin. - Respect.

- OK... - Let's look at this one.

Let's get them out the way.

Sorry, can you get out the way?

- Can you get out the way? - Can we see the picture?

We're just... here with the telly.

You telly people...

Rather rude, actually. Sorry.

You're terribly rude. Yes.

Sorry. Who be this cheeky little lady?

This is by Paul Gaugin, so... The friend of Van Gogh.

That's nice.

She... she look as if she has just been.

I'm not sure. She doesn't look that happy, I don't think.

Aye. Maybe she's been taken up the wrong 'un.

- What's that? - Part of a door and...

- Come off it, that's a door? - Yeah. It's meant to be flat.

- That's why it's so new. - That's rubbish.

- It doesn't have three dimensions. - The face is quite good, but that...

It's just a suggestion of a door.

Couldn't he be arsed to do the whole door?

Wicked, me now gonna meet Gerry Robinson,

the head of Granada, and the head of the Arts Council.

Why is the arts so... excuse me French, but crap?

I think there's a huge variety of excellent art in England.

Do you just give money to things that ponces go and see?

No, I think we split the money evenly across the whole piece.

Do you give money to lezzers, to teach kids how to do it?

- To...? - To teach kids how to do...

To lesbians? Not that I'm aware of.

Because me saw this thing on Channel Four,

this guy drink a pint of paint or whatever,

and then, excuse me French, he shit it out his exit hole.

That... that can't cost that much. Did the Arts Council give him that?

No.

Ali in the opera house, Ali in the opera house

Me meet some ponce, me meet some ponce

Look, this is the Royal Opera House. It look rubbish!

That's why they spend 25 billion squid

to make it look like the leisure centre in Bracknell.

Check it out!

What skill do opera singers need?

- Do you have to be able to sing? - Yes.

- That's the primary requirement. - Is that not racialist?

Why?

Because it unfair on people who can't sing.

- How many singers do you get here? - It depends on the production.

With all respect, why is so many of them so terribly fat?

They're not all fat.

Is you trying to stop discrimination so you let in a lot of fatties?

- What is the acoustic like? - Brilliant.

If you're sitting up there you can hear as well as down there. Try it!

Hear me now!

Ride the punani!

Ride the punani!

Nice. Nice.

Nice. Good acoustics.

If you wanna check out some culture

you can either spend 50 squid on a night at the opera,

or me can get you a bag of skunk this big.

The choice is yours.

You got me mobile number, aye?

Westside.

Now, apparently it look like this video is gonna get a PG rating,

which would mean me losin' most of me respect in the 'hood.

So to get it an 18 I is gonna have to use a word

which I has never used before out of respect for me bitches,

and which I swear I will never use again.

Cunt.

I am sorry. I am very, very sorry.

If you have to blame anyone for me usin' that, blame James Furman,

because he is the geezer that gave this video its classification.

And him is the head of the Board of Films things.

So I went to check him out the other day. Look at this.

Can you stop that, you cunt?

Wicked! I is here with none other than me main man James Furman!

He is the geezer that sign his name under the films.

Now, why do we have censorship?

Strangely enough, most people think

there should be some regulation of the media.

You must have seen some dodgy things in your time, aye?

A few dodgy things, yes.

Must be the bestjob in the world, though, watching porno all day?

You'd think we enjoy it, but we don't.

But you seen 25 years of it.

I mean, nobody can, you know... keep it hard for that long.

Yeah. That's not the test I would apply.

Can you not say that porn is educational?

No. Sex education is educational.

But me learnt a lot of me stuff from, you know,

Back Door Matrons, or whatever.

A lot of me tricks came out of that.

You learn how to be with a lady, how to romance a lady.

Well, I think there's now some very good sex education on video.

It is important for kids to know what's going on down there

so that they don't go up the wrong 'un.

I agree totally.

What films have been banned?

Very few that you've heard of have been banned.

So why did they ban Chocolate Orange?

- Clockwork Orange. - Whatever.

- Whatever. - Yeah.

Nobody banned that apart from Stanley Kubrick, who made it.

Do you not think the category 18 is too vague?

Should you not have a category that guarantees you muff?

We have consumer advice now.

If you buy a video you see on it exactly what it contains.

Why do they not have that for films?

This has swearing, this will definitely have fanny in.

They do.

What swear words make an 18?

- 18, it's the sexual expletives. - Aye.

So is "flange" an 18 or a 15?

I don't know what flange means.

So that... that is a word for the punani.

I don't know what punani means.

You're coming up with a lot of words I've never heard.

There is a whole load of terms that mean the same thing as, you know...

what we're saying, twat, whatever,

They can slip into a PG if you don't know.

Yes, if we don't understand.

So do you not need somebody who's more street, who knows...

"Wait, they said "minge", me know they is talking about the kitty."

So what about "vagina," does that make it an 18?

- No, no. - But that is the most dirty word.

It's not, it's part of the anatomy.

- But that make it sound horrible. - Most people don't think that.

For real? So that could get into a 15 film?

- It could get into a 12 film. - So can hear the word, the vagi...?

Well, it depends how it's said, because...

Er, "check out your vagina," or whatever? Can you say that?

Or the C-word, which is the same.

For real, but the C-word is better than the V-word.

I don't think so.

If you call a girl, say, "You got a nice C,"

that's much nicer than saying, "You got a nice V."

You may think so.

I think most women find the C-word very, very objectionable.

Yeah, only women who is a bit, you know, up their own... C.

Thank you very much, Mr Furman. Big up yourself.

Do you wanna big up anyone?

Any directors, give a shout out or something?

No, just keep up the good work.

OK, wicked. Thanks a lot.

Easy now.

This next one is with member of the upper classes, Jacob Rees-Mogg,

who people say sound like he has plums in his mouth.

He don't sound like me Julie when she has me plums in her mouth. Aye?!

Check it out.

Wicked!

I is here with Lord Rees-Mogg, and we is talkin' about class.

Lord Mogg is gonna tell us how we all can be upper class, can't we?

It's very kind of you to promote me to the nobility,

but of course I'm not.

My father is Lord Rees-Mogg

and I'm just a commoner like everybody else.

So what is class?

What is class? Class is how other people perceive individuals to be.

Which class is Pakis in?

- Is what in? - Pakis.

By which...?

Which class? Is they in middle class, upper class?

You're saying Pakistanis living in England?

Um, they're not in a class by nature of where they've come from.

What do you think makes a girl upper class?

Exactly the same thing that makes a man upper class.

But is it things like she spits into her hanky...

I don't think spitting into ones' handkerchief

is regarded as a symbol of membership of the upper class.

What if someone is so rich they have a swimming pool?

Would they be upper class?

Um... No, I think that's a bizarre definition of class.

What if they had a swimming pool made of gold,

but filled with champagne, and not the cheap stuff?

Would they be upper class?

What if like Cleopatra they bathed in asses' milk...

- What?! - Asses' milk.

Um, ass milk? Batty milk?

- Asses'. - From your...?

No, no, no.

- Donkeys. - Oh, right.

So what if I knobbed the daughter of a lord?

Um... Yes? What if you did?

If she got... a bun in the oven, what class would the nipper be?

Um, so much depends on the circumstances.

Depend on the girl in question and so on and so forth.

So what if you got busy with my sister?

I wouldn't advise it - she ain't the cleanest girl out there.

I haven't had the pleasure of meeting your sister.

It can be arranged. She'd be keen.

I-I-I think speculating on my having a relationship

with somebody I've never met, and that leading to a child being born,

and then as to what class it might be,

is so far-fetched as to be ridiculous.

I have no idea...

You think you is too good for my sister?

- Certainly not. - You is.

- No, no... - No, you is, she is rank.

- She's nothing. - No, I'm probably...

Believe me, even my mum cuss her, tell her she's a slag.

Would I be upper class if I got a top hat and wore it?

Um, well, would you like to try? I have a top hat.

I can lend it to you for the next few minutes if you'd like.

So am I upper class now?

Absolutely, you're a dead ringer for Lord Snooty.

Thank you, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

You have shown that class is interesting

and we should know about it but not get stuck in it

if we is gonna get ahead.

- Wicked. - Thank you very much.

Keep it real there. I and l.

- And come and visit us in Staines. - Be a pleasure.

This is a hospital, innit?

I has been here twice.

Once when me was born

and then after a drive-by, when me had both me tonsils removed.

I is fine now, thank you,

but I couldn't do human beatbox for a whole year.

So this is me guide to the alternative health service.

Respect.

Booyakasha.

There is many disease that people suffer from in Britain.

Flu, tuberculosis, itchy balls.

But how is they gonna get better?

Sure, spliff can cure most disease, like leukaemia and measles,

but it can't cure everything.

That is why I is coming to check out the health service

and alternative health, innit?

Ali in the health service, Ali in the health service - bo!

Ali in the health service, Ali in the health service

Recently me been spunkin' off a bit too soon

so me has come to a reiki healer, see if she can sort out me knob.

Is what you is doin' now helpin' me problem?

I've already done what I need to do.

Will it give me a few more minutes?

Probably, but that's also up to you.

If me not gone off before, will it also help?

It feel a little bit like being mashed...

and there is energy around me body,

there's a bit in me feet,

there's a bit on me knees

and, if you don't mind me saying, there's a bit round me exit hole.

Me feel a bit of wind, now, is that right?

Often when I give reiki to people...

- They let one rip? - Yeah. It's just energy moving.

So when me Julie complain I should just say it's energy moving?

- So just feel this. - Wicked.

Hey, hello, watch it.

I has been told that I has healing hands.

Wonderful.

Cos I can make some girls have one that has never,

- you know, had one before. - You're a lucky man, aren't you?

Touch is the most healing thing in the world.

But is it not technique more than...

I don't know whether, when they say that,

whether it's because I know a few tricks, whatever...

It's your energy.

- Or I'm givin' vibe to the punani? - It's exactly that.

Ali in the health service, Ali in the health service - bo!

Ali in the health service, Ali in the health service

Me now gonna check out a bit of Western medicine.

Luckily me speak a little bit of Chinese.

Wicked.

What's so good about the... the Chinaman medicine?

Chung chung... Chung...

Chung... chung, chung, chung. Chung-e...

Chung-e... Chinese medicine?

Aye.

So can you check me? Can you check me?

You need to say the tongue.

Me tongue's a bit dirty because me had a little to-do with me Julie,

but he wants to check it?

What's Hou Pu? Is that real poo?

So what? You just go around and collect some poo...

- Yeah. - And you sell it?

Is that right?

This one is good for skin.

Is that hash? Is that like...?

- Can you smoke this? - Of course not!

Shall we get some of the needle? Go and stick some needles...

Is it true you can kill someone just by pressing there?

If someone really annoying you?

You kill them.

Are you sure about this?

Ow! Fuckin' hell, man.

- Does he know what he's doin'? - Yes.

- Has he done this before? - Of course!

Is I meant to be gettin' hard?

- It get? - Gettin' hard.

- Hard? - Aye.

No... no.

Ali in the health service, Ali in the health service

So if you is feelin' dodgy you can either go to the health service

or me can sort you out with an herbal remedy.

Aye! Keep it real.

As you can see, I ain't just a DJ, I can also swim.

This is me 50 metres, this is me Kellogg's Water Skills One,

and this me got for rescuing a rubber brick in me pyjamas.

Yes, they were Hilfiger.

I only dived down there cos me mate Dave

told me it was a massive block of hash.

When me got out me was well pissed off.

But I smoked it anyway.

Now, if I dropped this spliff on the floor

which I won't, because, A, it'll get soggy

and B, I may get a verruca in me mouth

it will fall downwards toward the ground

because of something that lives in the air called science.

To find out more about this,

I went to check the original nutty professor, Heinz Wolff.

Check it.

Check this. Today we're talkin' about science.

We got none other than my main man Professor Heinz Wolff

- in Brunei University, checkin'... - Brunel.

Brunei is a place in south-east Asia.

OK. Brunel University. We're talkin' about science.

Now, science is important.

- Isn't it, Professor? - Very important.

What is the smallest thing in the universe?

The smallest thing in the universe is, I should think,

some of the elementary particles which make up an atom.

How small is they?

Well, how small... You mean in sort of...?

Yeah, in centimetres.

About a 10,000,000,000th of a millimetre

Is it smaller than a sand?

Oh, much, much smaller.

Is it smaller than a salt?

Yes, much smaller.

Sand is smaller than a salt.

- Not necessarily. - But salt is the smallest thing...

- No. - .. known to man.

- No, your hair, if you had any. - Flour!

- Um... um... - Flour is the smallest thing?

- No. - I got it muddled up.

No, there are things much much tinier than sand.

Now, what about medicine? How is science involved in the medicine?

Um... Medicine is increasingly based on scientific discoveries.

What about knob enlargements?

If I understand you correctly,

and I have to do some mental translation

of the rather crude language which you employ, um... er...

- Do they work? - I don't know.

It's not a subject on which I have worked,

been interested in, or require.

I would never need one, but if you needed one would it work?

No.

I can well imagine, being a sympathetic sort of guy,

that if... if it bears down heavily on somebody's mind,

that he believes he is insufficient in that department...

- Not me. - All right, you don't have to boast.

Then I can see that they may well want it.

What does infinity mean?

Infinity means that if you...

travelling by any means, whether it's Concorde or on a beam of light,

you'd never come to the end.

- Is it a number? - No.

Is it more or less than a million million million million million

million million million... million?

More. You can always add one on.

OK, I'll add a million on the end.

A million million million million million million million million...

There is no... there is no... there is no edge,

because by definition...

Even if I carry on sayin' that all day?

You wouldn't get anywhere near.

What if I use zillion?

- I have no idea... - Killion?

No, l... Because...

Nothing is bigger than a killion.

The principle is that whatever number you think of, however big it is,

I can always say I've got a number that is one bigger.

- And that number is infinity? - No.

Return of The Mack!

This next one is with James Whittaker about the royalty.

He is a very nice man and gave me a cup of tea.

Check it.

Terrible shame about Diana...

Wicked!

I is here with none other than James Whittaker.

He is a close friend of the Royals.

He is the expert in the country

about the Royal Family and about the monarchy.

So he is gonna tell us why it is important.

Do you think there is too much press attention on the Royals?

Sometimes, yes, I do think so.

I think that the pressure on Diana in the last few months...

no, actually the last few years of her life, was too much.

Do you think it was Saddam Hussein had something to do with her death?

No, I don't think...

The only person who had anything to do with her death

was the driver, Henri Paul, who was drunk.

But me heard that the Queen wanted to make sure

that Saddam was cool in Iraq because they had oil in Iran,

and they wanted to make sure that there was planes there.

Do you not think that is why she died?

I don't think her death had anything to do with Iraq, Iran,

Saddam Hussein or anybody.

Why was she knobbin' that Pakistani?

He wasn't a Pakistani, for a start, he's an Egyptian.

Aye.

She fell in love, in lust, with him and she had a summer romance.

- Will Carmella ever be queen? - Camilla?

- Aye. - I think she will.

Do you think that a lot of the objection to Carmella

is because she is so mingin'?

So what?

- So mingin'... - What does minging mean?

Her face is very... ugly.

That's a cruel word. That's a cruel word to say about any woman.

I didn't mean to say that... She's rank. She is rank.

Look, most women in this country would have a hell of a job...

- Aye. She's a bit dodgy. - Well, being compared to Diana.

- She was fit. - She was a very... Very tasty.

Put anybody up against Diana and it's a bit of a problem.

She's also a very fit woman, she rides well.

- She ain't fit. - She understands Prince Charles.

- She... - But she look like Rod Hull.

She does, man.

What do you think about Fergie?

I think she's a decent person.

Did they not find pictures of her suckin' someone's knob?

No, they didn't. In fact I was present at this,

you're talking about sucking somebody's toe.

Aye, they used the word "toe". They used the word "toe".

No, I was... Watch this... They're naughty!

How do you know if someone is a real king?

Well, you know from their position, what they do and how they behave.

So what about King Dong - is he a real king?

Don't know who King Dong is so I couldn't comment on that.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you, Ali.

And it is time that you start knowin' about the monarchy,

start knowin' about the Queen,

because she is in control of the country!

Check it out.

- Big up yourself, Mr Whittaker. - Thank you.

Forget Paris or Milan, you can get the best designer clothes

from Elmsleigh shopping centre, off Staines High Street.

It's got Alan Croft Shoes, Etam and even Rumbelows.

As if I needed to know anything else about fashion,

I went to visit Tomasz Starzewsky.

Him be a designer, like Tommy Hilfinger,

except much less good.

Check this.

Booyaka! Today we is talking about fashion,

because it ain't only on the streets,

it is also in the shops.

And I is here with none other than my main man Tomasz Starzewsky

that be a main fashion designer.

Now, fashion. It well important, innit?

Yes, it's important. We all like clothes and we all want to look good.

For real. Me respectin' what you is wearing, your threads, your style.

- What is that? Can l...? - Mohair.

- Mohair? - Yeah.

Mohair? From the muff?

No, mohair is a... is a type of wool that is woven.

Do you put your label all over the front?

- No. - Just subtle, down the side?

- I put it inside. It's vulgar to... - Where?

- Inside. - Why not on the front?

Because I think it's vulgar.

But if you put it on the outside then you is selling the clothes

and you is advertising the clothes.

You is knobbin' two ladies with one johnny.

That's not what I'm about.

Will you make clothes for any woman, though?

If she likes my style, she likes my look,

I'm very happy to make clothes.

I mean, I don't have a problem with that.

- Even if they is mingers? - If they were what?

Mingers. If they have, you know, "nice personality".

You know, face like a Rottweiler's arse.

I don't have that discrimination.

But if someone well mingin' came in here and say,

"design me, me wanna look nice."

I'd have to... To me, if I can't fulfil that woman's fantasy

of making her look better

I shouldn't be a designer.

hey'll bring a shame on your clothes if they is well rank.

I should make her look good.

So do you say, "This is a big challenge because...

"you got a face that really..."

Not at all, I wouldn't even...

I think that's appalling.

I'd be appalled if I think like that. That's quite appalling.

Do you not sometimes say, "There's nothing I can doz,

"I cannot change nature, I cannot polish a turd"?

Nature is irrelevant.

What about Versace, do you rate him?

I think that Versace... I think that, um, Gucci is the Versace of today.

Aye. Was you happy when he got...?

No, I think it's a tragedy for anyone to be murdered.

Aye, but it's less competition.

It's not about competition, it's a tragedy.

- I wouldn't wish that on anybody. - Me heard Calvin Klein did it.

It's highly unlikely.

So what do you think about the Wonderbra?

It changed a lot of women's lives.

- Do you think it should be banned? - Whatever for?

Because you think you is getting something and then you don't get it.

If you're stupid enough to think you're gonna get it it's your fault.

The other week, though, me was in a club and me saw this girl,

and she, you know, weren't... she had a bad face, whatever, but...

A Wonderbra?

She had these serious Babylons, man,

and me was grindin' and me was doin' the bogle, man,

and me took her home, me unleashed them,

and... they disappear!

Gone! One on the floor, one behind her back!

- That ain't fair! - You've got to give it to her.

- Well, me couldn't give... - Give it to her that she pulled you.

Me did, but me didn't feel good about it! You know what I mean? Aye!

Check it out. Buy your Starzewsky, start wearing the Starzewsky,

start keepin' it real and stylin' it.

- Big up yourself. - Thank you.

Nice.

Booyaka! Booyaka! Junglist posse!

This show is all about learning and thing,

and me think this is where me went to school,

at the

school.

I have to keep me distance cos there is a few detentions left unserved

they is trying to gun me down for.

But education don't never stop,

which is why me checked out me main man, MP Tony Benn,

to ask him about politics and thing.

Man, that guy likes a fight!

Check this out!

Wicked! I is here with none other than Tony Benn.

He been in the political game for many, many years

so nobody knows it like he does.

And he is gonna explain what socialism is

and what all the left stuff is goin' on.

What is socialism, Tony?

Socialism is about organisation, it's about democracy...

So why do they call it the welfare state? Is it because it's well fair?

No, it means that you get a national insurance.

But unemployment benefit is wicked. You get money for doin' nothing.

- Is that...? - But why are you doing nothing?

Because you're chillin', or...

This idea that if you're unemployed you're lazy is rubbish.

Me ain't saying you lazy, you wanna chill, whatever.

What do you mean?

You wanna relax, you don't wanna have to get up.

Do you think the miners closed the pits because they were lazy?

- Should young mothers get welfare? - Of course!

But does the welfare not just encourage girls to go out and get...

jiggy with Mr Biggy?

If you think girls get pregnant to get benefit

- you're living in a funny world. - For real.

There is girls in me estate or whatever, they is 16,17,

they already got one kid and they see something nice in the shops

and they think, "Is me gonna get a job or get welfare?

"Then me can sit on me batty and watch Vanessa."

You're not living in the real world, my friend,

you're living in a world where everybody is so greedy

there's no hope of a better society.

For real.

Is callin' a strike not like callin' a sickie?

Like, you had a really bangin' weekend, and you ring up and say...

If you're on strike you lose your income.

- Nobody wants to go on strike. - But if you is knackered...

If you think it's like a hangover...

The miners were on strike for a year, no wages for a year.

They must have been well lazy if they did a whole year.

Look, they wanted work

and the government stopped them from having the right to work,

so they gave up their income

to fight for theirjobs and their children's jobs.

But the right to work, what about the right not to work?

Well, if you don't want to work...

Aye, for real.

Well, that's not true of most people, is it?

Most people do. You do, or you wouldn't be here.

No, me wanna work when me wanna work

but mostly me wanna chill, hang with me bitches, whatever.

You do treat women with a great deal of disrespect. You call them a bitch.

That ain't a term of disrespect.

It is a term of disrespect, you're calling them animals.

I think this comes down, in the end, not to an argument about politics.

You've got no time for people, you think they're lazy, greedy,

don't want to work, you call women bitches,

then you ask me about a society that's happy!

Somebody'll shoot you one day because you treat 'em like an animal.

So why is it everyone is bangin' on about the right to vote?

Because it took us hundreds of years to get the right to vote

and we wouldn't have had anything that matters

if we hadn't had the right to vote.

But what's so good about it? I went once and it was rubbish.

How can you choose who to vote for if you ain't heard of any of them?

You just go for the one with the most stupid name. Inky, Pinky, Dinky.

You see, you haven't got much confidence in people.

But why don't they get people what people has heard of?

Why don't they get Frank Bruno standing or Val Doonican?

With a celebrity you know what they is like,

otherwise you get an MP, and then you find out that they is, like,

you know, sleeping with horses.

Me just want to say thank you, Tony Benn.

No, it's been fun. I enjoyed it.

Maximum respect goin' out to my main man Tony Benn.

- Nice to see you. - Keep it real.

Respect to the Benn.

The environment has always been well important to me, innit?

In fact, it was leaning against these very recycle bins

that me first manage to bone me Julie.

So that is why I decided to do me bit

to help out the tree potrestors at Crystal Palace.

Westside.

Everybody is talkin' about the environment thing.

What is they on about? I don't know.

That is why I has come down to the tree protestin' site,

to solve the problem of the environment.

And maybe to mash up some police. Aye.

Ali's environment, Ali's environment

Ali's environment, Ali's environment

Wicked, we're here at the HQ of the tree people.

I'm gonna go in, help them out.

For them people out there, what is they actually doin'?

Why is they 'ere?

From what I gather there's so little space left in London,

and they want to put a multi-storey cinema complex

and car park for 1,000 cars.

Is it one of them new cinemas with air-conditioning and Dolby Surround?

It will be a modern structure of some sort...

But they is wicked, no?

Could they not knock down the crap ones and then build trees there?

Me meet the trees, me meet the tree

Me meet the police, me meet the police

We is now gonna meet the main copper who is sortin' it all out.

If it comes to a ruck, who is gonna win?

- It isn't gonna come to a ruck. - But if it does?

No, this is being dealt with as peacefully as possible.

- Is it possible for us to get in? - No, because it's still dangerous.

- Is it cos I is black? - Not at all.

Should them protestors start lookin' after themselves proper?

- Violence don't solve anything. - I don't know, it does.

- It does and it doesn't. - It mainly does.

- Not really. - Come on.

- You can't conquer with violence. - You can.

- In what situation? - In a violent one.

We are the pixie people are you one of the fairy folk?

Who are the pixie people I am one of the fairy folk!

Who are the pixie people are you one of the fairies?

Do you like this planet? D'you want to see it go up in smoke?

Me save the tree, me save the tree

Me save the tree, me name Ali

All right, me has heard both sides of the argument.

Me don't understand either of them.

But me is well up for a ruck anyway.

Booka! Booka! Booka! Hear me now! Hear me mow!

Easy now!

- Fuckin' shut up! - This is serious, you wanker!

You can take our trees...

You can take our trees but you can't take our freedom!

You can take our trees but you can't take our freedom!

Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Come on!

Me not having a...

Could me not have a little go?

- Arrest him! - Is it cos I is black?

Thank you for watching me vid.

I hope you has learnt something.

For those of you, though, who is thinking of bootleggin' this vid

and selling it down the market for 99 pence - unlucky!

Cos I has already thought of that and is doin' it meself.

So you can find me every Sunday afternoon at the car boot sale

between the junction of Ashford Gardens and Leacroft Road.

I 'ope to see you there.

Peace out... and respect.

Let it rip, boys.

Their dreams are flying high

Fly, fly, fly up high

Doobie doobie doobie...

Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie

Doobie doobie doobie doobie doobie doo-bie-doo

Wales!

Wales!

Coal! Hear me now!

Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com