Original subtitles

- Okay, Eddie.

You're on your own.

Ah, come on, son.

After four years, can't you favor us

with a smile on your graduation day?

- Hi, Eddie.

- Hi ya, smiley.

- What's a matter boss?

Couldn't you tear yourself away?

How was the stretch this time, boss?

- Tough? - Nah

which is why I didn't crash out like always.

I was sure expecting you to.

- Nice car.

- It's all yours.

- Ours.

Everything we've got.

- You're a swell pal, Eddie.

- Yeah, I heard all about it.

You done a good job while I was gone,

and I ain't forgetting it.

- I did big, Eddie.

You're a lot richer than when you went in.

- We're a lot richer.

- Thanks, Eddie.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

We got a couple of new spots downtown.

I got the guy waiting to show you the books.

- I take your word for it, like always.

- Because we got troubles too.

- I take care of the troubles,

like when we was kids.

Me and you against everybody, eh, smiley?

- Sure.

- Got my rod?

- Wearing it right next to my heart.

- Let me have it.

- Sure.

- I just can't understand it.

I'm walking down the street minding my own business.

I step off the curb.

Car comes tearing around the corner against the red light.

The cops should have picked up

the driver of that car, not me.

Say, are you a trustee?

- Yes.

- How long you been in this stir?

- 300-odd years.

- Gosh, it's hot here.

It gets like this in Florida sometime.

- Florida?

Florida never smelled like this.

Like rotten eggs.

- Precisely, young man.

Rotten eggs.

The unpleasant odor is caused by h-2-s-o-4.

Hydrogen sulfuric acid,

the most common compound of hydrogen and sulfur.

Am I right?

I poisoned my wife with a sulfur compound.

My young wife,

she was unfaithful.

I was a chemist.

- What do you mean was?

- Before they hanged me.

- Where are the rope marks?

- Young man, what is the last thing you remember

before they brought you here?

- Smiley.

Smiley.

That slimy double-crossing rat.

Plugging me with my own rod.

- Where are the bullet holes?

- Well, how do you like that?

He missed.

Sitting right next to me and he missed.

- He didn't miss.

You're dead.

- What?

- We're all dead.

- Listen to this mug, will ya?

- It's true.

Only the soul exists down here.

- Gee, they always said I'd wind up down here.

- Look, I don't care where I am.

I gotta get smiley.

There must be some way to cross this camp!

- "Abandon hope all ye who enter here."

- Lay off of me, screw!

Lay off of me, I tell ya!

I gotta get out of here!

I'm getting smiley!

Lay off of me, I tell ya!

I gotta get smiley!

- What sort of temperature is that?

- It's the labor shortage, sire.

Especially the boiler room personnel,

there's been a fearful drop.

We are operating at about 73% of normal.

- Do you want me to catch my death of cold?

- No, sire.

We're short of condemned souls.

I abjectly suggest...

- Warden, I have no need of your infantile suggestions.

I'll attend to this matter myself.

My opponent is always through some favored mortal

of his testing my prowess.

This time it happens to be one judge Frederick Parker

of the new world.

Well, we'll see who goes down in defeat.

- My beloved sire,

your powers are wondrous to behold.

- But I have lately been beset by great problems.

My adversary's working overtime.

But superior though he may be,

and though he set up a thousand judge Parkers to thwart me,

he must recognize that I am still master of my own sphere.

- You uttered it, sire.

- What in my domain is that?

- You have no right to!

Get out of here, I tell ya.

Help!

Let go of me, you dirty coppers!

I'll get every one of you fired!

You can't hold me here!

All of you is gonna rot!

You can't keep me!

I'll smash out of here!

- What's the meaning of this?

How dare you bring him here!

- We had no choice, warden.

- Cast him down into the fire room

in the 55th circle of darkness!

I apologize for the intrusion, sire.

- Not at all, warden.

Pour me a drink.

- You're not angry?

- Angry, on the contrary, I'm very pleased.

In fact, I'm delighted.

What was his name?

- You mean the doomed soul that was here?

Kagle, Eddie kagle?

- Eddie kagle.

- You drink to him, a cheap gangster?

- Why not?

I love him.

Ever see that face before?

- Of course.

He was just here in this room, Eddie kagle.

- Wrong, warden.

That happens to be a picture of judge Frederick Parker.

- Impossible.

They look exactly...

- Precisely.

They look exactly alike,

and this likeness is just the weapon I need

to defeat Mr. Parker.

Eddie kagle.

- How hot do they want it down here?

- Never gets hot enough to suit the boss.

You think this is bad,

wait till they stick you in them

hot Clay pits way down below.

- You mean we ain't at the bottom now?

- There ain't no bottom in this joint.

- Back, two-one, back.

Back to your work!

- Whoa!

- I ain't taking this no longer.

I'm crashing out of this college.

- Nobody crashes out of here.

- Nobody but Eddie kagle.

He breaks out from every place.

- I'll crash out with you, Eddie.

- Who are you?

- A pal.

- I don't like pals.

- You mean like smiley?

- How you know about smiley?

- If you're inclined,

I can help you get him.

I got somebody I want to get too.

We can help each other.

Is it a deal?

- We gotta crash first.

- I know how.

- Nixed.

We're screwed.

- Well, Eddie?

- Okay, but watch your step.

One false move and I slug ya.

- I'll be extremely careful.

- Rub that smile off your map.

A guy smiled once when he plugged me.

- Certainly, Eddie.

Come on.

Now.

- Hey, are you stir nuts or something?

That's the furnace.

- It's the only way.

Come on.

- How long you been down here?

- Since time immemorial.

- The way you talk you must've had a good education.

- A most liberal one.

- I only went to third grade.

- I went through the whole gamut of learning.

I know everything.

- Stuck on yourself, huh, what's your name?

- Well, I have a number of aliases.

I have a long record under the name of mephistopheles.

- Greek, eh?

- Well, there were some who claim

I'm more of one nation than another,

but that's not true, Eddie.

I'm of all nations.

I play no favorites.

- You look like a con man.

- Look, memopopolis... - Call me Nick.

- You married?

- Millions of women have adored me.

- Quite a guy with the ladies, huh?

- I'm a fascinating fellow.

- Look, mug, playing around with dames is dynamite.

- But delightful dynamite, Eddie.

Live fully while you may and reckon not the cost.

Deny yourself nothing.

Flame and Blaze like a torch,

and toss the fire about you.

Omar khayyam said it.

"I'll make the most of what we yet may spend

"before we, too, into the dust descend."

- You're talking screwy.

- Is it all right if I laugh occasionally?

- There ain't nothing to laugh about!

I never saw nothing to laugh about my whole life!

From the time I left school and ran away from home

on account my folks were always drunk and fighting,

I ain't laughed.

All I been doing is trying to be somebody,

and I did pretty good.

Worked myself up from where I had nothing to eat

and no place to sleep to tough guy in my business.

- Splendid, you're a man after me own heart.

I wish the world was filled with Eddies.

- How long is it gonna take us to get up there?

- Any moment now.

- All right, down there send it up.

Pugh, old man schmalhausen

must be baking with rotten eggs.

- Smells like the devil, too, doesn't it?

- Wow, them ashes are still hot!

- Hey, Canada!

Dash them ashes with water before you send them up.

- Hey, I don't feel nothing.

- Of course not you haven't got a body.

- If I ain't got no body, how am I gonna get smiley?

Hey, you mug,

look out what you're doing!

- No one can see you or hear you until I find you a body.

Now, come on, Eddie.

- How you gonna find it?

- Well, everyone has his physical counterpart, his double.

I happen to know where your double is.

- You mean a guy which looks like me?

- Spitting image.

- But supposing he don't want to give me his body?

- He'll be asleep.

He won't have anything to say about it.

- What happens when he wakes up?

- When he wakes up, he'll be you.

- And who'll I'll be?

- You'll be him. - Huh?

- To everyone else you'll be him.

Of course to yourself, you'll be yourself.

- Oh.

Hey, give me that again, will ya?

- Oh, stop worrying about it, Eddie.

Leave everything to me.

- I leave nothing to you, con man!

- I'm sorry, Eddie.

It's this, uh, cold air.

It makes me irritable.

I don't like cold climates.

- I don't feel nothing,

and if you ain't got no body neither,

how come you feel cold?

- I've been down below so long

that even my soul has grown accustomed to the heat.

- Hey, if! Ain't got no body,

I ain't got no fingers, right?

- Right.

- No fingers, no fingerprints, right?

- Right.

- I can get away with murder.

- Not exactly.

Without fingers you cannot squeeze a trigger.

- Yeah.

I'd sure wanna squeeze a trigger.

Hey.

What is this a double-cross?

This ain't St. Louie.

Smiley's in St. Louie.

- The body we want is here,

and don't you forget you have

a little job to do for me first.

That was our deal.

- Okay.

I ain't reneging.

- Come on.

- Hey.

What's the idea of bringing me here?

- I'm gonna get you the fingers to squeeze that trigger.

- How do figure getting into criminal court?

- How did I figure getting you out of that jam down below?

But I did.

- Yeah.

That was neat.

- This will be even neater.

Trust me.

- Okay.

Let's go.

Hey, there ain't a seat in the joint.

- Let's sit here.

- What's the matter with you.

They're cops in them seats.

- They won't mind.

They won't even know.

- Your honor, the defendant in this case

has failed to establish an alibi.

The testimony conclusively proves

that this man was at the scene of the crime

and at the exact time it was committed.

Therefore, I respectfully request the court...

- That's a lie!

I'm not going to take any more of this!

- Get a doctor, quick.

- What happened?

- He collapsed, Eddie.

- No judge ever passed out on me.

- This court is now adjourned.

- Come on, Eddie, let's go.

- Hey.

Don't give me no orders.

I do all the leading.

Get me?

- Yes, Eddie.

- Don't you never forget.

I'm boss.

- Yes, Eddie.

I shouldn't have been so brute.

- I've given him a sedative.

Let him sleep a while and get him home.

He'll be all right.

- Sure, doctor.

All right, gentlemen.

- Holy smokes!

- I told you I knew where your double was.

- If this guy had hung around St. Louie,

he'd have got bumped instead of me.

- Too bad he didn't.

- Is he the guy you want to get?

- Yeah.

- What he do to you, send you up?

- I was send down, not up.

- Hey, this guy's a judge.

I ain't muscling in on nojudge's body.

- What difference does it make?

It'll serve your purpose and mine.

- Yeah, what happens when he gets up and finds I'm him?

- When we're through with him, he won't know a thing.

Not a single blat...

Solitary thing.

- What about you?

Ain't you gonna find yourself a body?

- Yes, I'll get one,

but you first.

You're the important one.

- Yeah.

And don't you forget it.

- I won't forget it, Eddie.

- What?

What you doing?

- Fusion, Eddie.

The power of heat.

I'll fuse you into this man

as steel can be fused into steel.

- Oh, Albert. - Yes, doctor.

- Is miss foster still here?

- Yes, sir, she's making coffee.

- Oh, fine.

- May I inquire how the judge is?

- Oh, a good night's rest, he'll be all right.

- Oh, that's good.

- Run down to the druggist, will you,

and get this sedative just in case he wakes up.

- Yes, doctor. - It'll be ready for him.

- Is he still sleeping?

- Yes.

- There you are.

- Well, thanks.

- It's nothing serious, I hope, Matt.

- Mm, excellent.

No, I don't think so.

However, I've been expecting this for some time.

- Why do you say that?

- One can only do so much,

especially one of Fred's temperament.

When he awakens in the morning,

I suggest you pile him into his car,

and get him away for a couple of weeks.

I'm only the judge's secretary, not his wife.

- If that ring means anything, you soon will be.

- But Fred can't possibly go away now.

- Why?

- Well, with the election only a few days off,

his speech at the auditorium tomorrow.

- Well, Barbara, you've always had your own way.

I suppose you will now.

- Now, that's not fair, Matt.

Nobody can stop Fred.

Nobody can push him on.

I'm the last one who wants to see him hurt or sick.

You believe that, don't you?

- Of course.

- I'll bring him to your office first thing in the morning.

- No, no.

That wouldn't do at all.

Not all people are ready to accept psychiatry

as a normal branch of medicine.

The general impression is, I believe,

that a man who needs a psychiatrist must be crazy.

Ridiculous, of course, but there you are,

and some people are rather reluctant

to cast their votes for lunatics.

- I hadn't noticed.

- Be better if! Came here.

Bye, Barbara.

- Goodbye, Matt.

Uh, Albert.

- Yes, miss Barbara.

- I'm going home,

and if the judge awakens during the night,

- please call me. - Yes, miss Barbara.

Judge.

Please, sir, your appointment's for 9:00 sharp.

Judge.

Your honor.

-Hmm.

- I hated to wake you, sir.

You were sleeping so peacefully.

- He did it.

I got one.

- One what, sir?

- You got one too.

- I hope so, sir.

- I can feel myself.

I'm solid.

Solid like I used to be.

- Are you quite all right, sir?

- All right. Sure, I'm all right.

Hey.

Hey, where's Nick?

Hey, Nick.

Nick, where are ya?

Hey, Nick.

Did Nick sleep here too?

- I'm afraid I don't follow you, sir.

- You better not.

I don't like being followed.

Who are you, anyway?

- Well, really, sir. - Are you gonna tell me

- or do I slap it out of you? - I'm Albert, your man, sir,

and if you'll pardon me, your bath is ready, sir.

- I don't need no bath.

They cleaned me up good when they let me out.

Where's his duds?

- I beg pardon? - His duds, his rags!

- Clothes. - Whose clothes, sir?

- The judge's, I gotta get dressed,

and get to St. Louie quick.

What am I, a judge or an undertaker?

Ain't you got nothing with fancy stripes?

- Fancy stripes.

- Ah, nevermind, I'll wear one of these.

All right, you double-crosser.

I'm coming for ya.

- Here you are, sir.

- What are you gonna do?

- Help you into them, sir.

- Scram. - But sir...

- Scram! - Yes, sir.

Hello, miss Barbara.

This is Albert.

I don't wish to alarm you,

but the judge is definitely not himself this morning.

I'm terribly worried about him.

Oh, that'll be splendid,

and do hurry, please.

Thank you.

- Hey, you.

- You. - Yes, sir.

- Get me a ticket on the next plane to St. Louie.

But sir.

- You work here, don't ya?

- Really, sir. - Do you?

- For a good many years.

- Well, get it.

- But your appointment, sir!

- I got an appointment at St. Louie, which comes first.

- But plane reservations are hard to get,

especially on such short notice.

- Okay, then call the airport,

and get me a special plane all for myself.

Come on.

Hey, I'll need some dough.

Is there any around?

- Well, in the usual place, sir.

- Don't give me no double talk.

Where's the dough?

- In the safe, sir.

- I don't see no safe.

- If I seem to be baffled by your...

- Will you shut up and do like I tell ya!

Where's the strong box?

- Behind the picture, sir.

- There's a flock of pictures!

- The one with the boat, sir.

The button, sir.

- Got any sandpaper?

- Have you forgotten the combination?

- I don't need no combination.

This is duck soup.

- Uh, please, sir.

- Hey!

Where's the nearest hock shop?

- You can't possibly leave town today, sir.

- Hello, Eddie.

- How'd you get here?

- I never explain my actions.

- You better explain to me.

I don't like no surprises.

- I have many more surprises in store for you

if you try to run out on me again.

- I ain't running out on nothing.

I was just hopping over to St. Louie

to take care of that rat.

- That rat can wait.

Parker comes first.

Besides, being up so high makes me uncomfortable.

I'm much happier down below.

- Scared, huh?

- I abhor altitudes.

- Hey, what's that?

- Engine trouble, sir.

We'll have to go back to the field.

- What a strange coincidence.

- Wipe that smile off of your mug.

- I apologize most humbly.

- Are you sure he said St. Louis?

- Yes, miss Barbara.

- St. Louis.

St. Louis.

I can't imagine what could take him there,

and at a time like this with a thousand things to do.

You should have done something, Albert,

phoned me or stopped him or something.

- I tried to, miss Barbara,

but he gave me a push and out he went.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

The judge is gentility itself.

He never pushed anybody.

- He never did any of the things he did this morning.

From the first time he awakened,

he acted peculiarly.

-Goon

- when I went to help him dress,

he told me to scram.

- The judge said scram?

- That was the very word he used, miss Barbara.

- You're certain you weren't having hallucinations, Albert?

- I only wish that were true.

It's been most disturbing.

I would have called Dr. Higgins,

but I didn't have the opportunity.

- Well, I'll call him now.

- Very good, miss Barbara.

- Hello, Dr. Higgins, please.

This is Barbara foster.

Not a word to anybody, Albert.

- Oh, heavens, no, miss Barbara.

- Hello, Matt.

Look I'm at Fred's.

No, he isn't here!

He took a plane for St. Louis.

- Well, that's extraordinary.

Well, don't be unduly alarmed.

It may be only a passing aberration.

We'll see when he gets back.

Let me know the moment he arrives,

and let me warn you, Barbara.

No matter how strangely he acts,

don't antagonize him.

Humor him, indulge him.

Remember you're dealing with someone who's ill.

Perhaps very ill.

Now, you understand, don't you, Barbara?

The important thing is Patience.

- I understand, Matt.

Goodbye.

Well, Albert.

We must be very patient with him.

- We will, miss Barbara.

- Remember now, not a word to a soul.

- Your honor, did you miss your plane?

- Yeah.

- Albert, who is it?

- The judge is back.

- Darling!

Oh, darling, I was so worried about you.

- Who's the dame?

- Your fiance.

The girlfriend.

Or rather, the judge's.

Go ahead, Eddie.

Make the most of it.

She's all yours.

- Hey, this is okay.

It ain't only your trigger I can squeeze.

- But darling, you've never talked like that before.

Why are you staring at me.

- Just sizing you up.

Plenty of curves and all in the right places.

Come here, babe.

- Please, darling.

- You don't have to be afraid of me.

How about me and you stepping out tonight?

It's been a long time.

- Please, Fred.

- Fred?

- You're Fred.

- Oh, that's the judge's handle.

- Mm-hmm.

- Who are you talking to, dear?

- Nick.

- Oh.

Nick.

- Beat it.

Scram.

- Yes, sir.

- Why, Fred, you never talked to Albert...

- Nevermind what I never.

There's gonna be lots of things

you ain't never seen a judge do.

You better get used to it.

- Yes, dear, I'll try.

Oh, please, Fred, you're hurting me.

- Hey, playing hard to get, eh?

What's so funny?

- Sorry, Eddie, sorry.

- So what's your name?

- Oh, really, Fred.

- What's your name?

- Well, now you certainly know my name.

I wouldn't asked if I knowed!

I'll call ya Rosie.

- Rosie. - Yeah.

A little number I used to run around with.

Builtjust like you.

Come on

come on, relax.

I ain't such a bad guy.

- Now, stop it, Fred!

- Hey, who you yelling at.

-You...

I'm sorry, dear.

- Okay.

- You'll be late.

- I got lots of time.

- Of course, but you're due at the auditorium

to deliver your speech.

- Come again?

- Your speech, dear.

It's getting late.

- I do all my speeching with my rod.

- I want you to make the speech, Eddie.

I'll be behind you whispering in your ear.

It's all part of the plan.

- Hey, I think you're doing a little too much planning.

- On second thought, dear, maybe it would be best

- if we postpone it. - What do you mean best?

If I gotta make a speech, I'll make it.

It'll smell, but it's okay.

- Perhaps you better take a few days rest.

I'll call the campaign committee and explain.

- What's a matter?

What's a matter?

Think I can't do it?

- I know you can only...

- Only nothing.

I can do anything I put my mind on.

- Of course.

- Now, where do we go?

- The auditorium.

- Come on.

We'll give it to them good.

Come on, Nick.

- Just who is Nick?

- A con man I tied in with.

- Boys, we ain't been forgot by lady luck like I thought.

Judge Parker collapsed on bench.

Now ain't that just too bad?

And listen to this editorial.

"Dare we leave the helm of our ship in the hands of a man

"whose physical condition is in question,

"now in the stormiest period in our state's history?"

Certainly not.

And as patriotic citizens,

we gotta do something about the situation.

- Yeah, now back in St. Louis.

- Nevermind, St. Louis, shaggsy.

Whatever you did in your home town we'll do it better here.

The point is we've got to see that the judge stays sick.

We gotta see that his condition maybe even gets worse.

- Sure, boss, that's the idea.

- Now we've got the judge hanging on the ropes.

Now we gotta deliver the ko.

- Yeah.

- All of which is only to protect the people, mind you.

Now, with our boy, people can go about their business

and the pursuit of happiness,

which is coming to them without worry.

- Sure, without worrying.

- That's right.

- Now he's speaking at the auditorium at 2:00.

That'll give you plenty of time.

Put on a good show, shaggsy.

One more cave-in like he had in court yesterday,

and we'll be dusting off the governor chair for our boys.

Come on, boys.

- Wait a minute.

Hello, sweetheart.

It's my wife.

Go ahead,

and remember I want to hear that the judge

has taken a turn for the worse.

- We'll bring back his teeth.

Come on.

- Hey, imagine me running for governor.

- Darling, you're too modest.

Come on, let's go on the stage.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute I wanna case the joint first.

Hey, look at that turnout.

Hey, what are you going backwards for?

Stick close.

You're giving me the words, remember?

- Oh, there is his honor now.

Excuse me.

- Hey, where are ya? - Please, darling.

- Well, your honor, we're all ready to start.

- Where's Nick? - They're waiting.

- Let them wait.

Hey, where did he go?

- There's someone with his honor?

I'm sure we can find him a seat.

- Oh, that'll be fine, yes.

Darling.

- Darling. - Nice thing...

- Please, darling, everyone's waiting.

- I need Nick to help me with the words.

- You have your speech right there.

- Glad to see you, judge.

Getting a little worried about you.

- Children, you're all ready.

Now it's time, go ahead.

- Your honor.

- Stand up, dear.

- You honor, on behalf of all the boys and girls,

who are members of the Parker clubs,

and in gratitude for all you have done for them,

regardless of who they are...

Regardless of who they are...

- And where they come from.

- And where they come from,

we wanted to present you with...

I losted it.

- Look at your pants. - Maybe it's fallen.

Oh there it is.

Gee.

This watch.

- Thank the children, darling.

- Thanks, kids.

- You're welcome, your honor.

- All right, children, walk this way.

- Fellow Americans,

as the campaign for governor

of this great state goes into its final phase,

it is an honor and a privilege to speak once again

on behalf of the candidate of the

citizens better government committee,

judge Frederick Parker.

The whole country knows

of the famous Parker youth foundation

created by our candidate 10 years ago.

This one organization has reduced juvenile crime

97% since it was founded.

Because judge Parker is a man

who understands that juvenile delinquency

is not a matter of bad boys and good boys,

but rather a matter of bad conditions and good conditions.

He is a man revered and loved by his friends,

respected and feared by his enemies,

a man of countless virtues!

Ladies and gentleman, as we have just seen,

one of judge Parker's numerous virtues is his modesty.

- What's the idea of letting me down?

- I'm not letting you down.

Far from it.

- And what about this?

- Throw it away,

and go out there and tell them off.

- Tell them off.

What'll I say?

- Surely, I don't have to tell you that.

These people sent you to prison, Eddie.

They're your enemies.

The, "thou shalt not," gang,

the law and order brigade, they hate you.

They've always hated you.

Now's your chance to tell them what you think of them.

You're not afraid...

- I ain't afraid of nothing.

- Then go out there and give it to them.

Call them by their right names.

Call them every name you can think of.

- Yeah.

- It is my privilege to introduce

the next governor of this great state,

judge Frederick Parker.

- I'll tell them.

- Listen, all of you!

I wanna tell you a few things!

You are...

- What are you doing?

- Hey, you!

- Hey, he's using jiu-jitsu.

- You can't do that!

- Stop it, Eddie, stop it.

They're your friends.

- You're crazy.

See that?

- Take it, Eddie, take it!

It's not you they're after it's the judge.

- Yeah, but I'm getting the punches.

- But you're making a hero of the judge.

- You want them to make mincemeat of me?

- Idiot.

- Sirens for the the cops beat it.

- Beat it. - Right!

- On your feet get out of here.

Get going.

- No, I won't need that now, Mr. Kramer.

Thank you.

- Are you hurt very much, your honor?

Nah.

- Sure you're all right, dear?

You're able to walk?

- Sure, sure.

- Gee, judge, your honor.

You're a champ.

- May I kiss you?

- The judge don't want girls kissing him.

- You go right ahead, dear, if you want to.

- Come on, babe.

Hey, where's Nick?

- Oh, nevermind Nick now, dear, please.

- What, he was with me.

- Albert, get me some antiseptic and bandages quickly.

- Yes, miss Barbara.

- Darling, you were magnificent.

But you know you weren't cut out for the sort of thing.

- You know somebody who could have done it better?

- No, dear.

But I'm afraid of the after effects.

I know you're gonna be ill.

- Hey, I ain't never been sick in my life.

- But Fred, you were just...

- I'm glad Nick ain't here.

- Darling, what's come over you?

- What's this?

Hey, take that junk out of here and get me a drink.

- The mineral water, sir?

- I said a drink.

Bourbon.

- Well, Fred, you don't drink.

- You just watch me.

And some cigars.

- But Fred, you can't smoke or drink.

You know that.

- Are you kidding?

What are you standing there for?

Get.

- Darling, please, you'll only make yourself ill.

- Stop worrying, Rosie.

- Fred!

- Hey, how about some smooching, eh?

- Darling, you have changed.

- Want a shot?

- I wish you wouldn't, dear.

You've had enough excitement for one day.

I ain't started yet.

Take a powder.

- Take a powder, sir?

Oh, you mean scram.

- Here's luck, Rosie.

- Be careful, dear.

- I can do this all day.

That's funny, I never chocked on this before.

What kind of a body did that lug slip me anyhow?

- I better have Albert put you to bed.

- Hey, I ain't sleepy.

You feel good.

- I've got to get home, dear.

- Home?

Don't you live here?

- You know perfectly well I don't live here.

- The judge must be screwy or something.

You ain't going home, Rosie.

- I am going home,

- and the sooner the better. - Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait! Hey!

- Darling!

Oh, Fred, I told you.

- That's all right.

I'm all right.

You don't have to worry about me.

I have nothing in my way.

I'll be fine.

- Darling.

- Miss Barbara, what happened?

- His honorjust passed out.

Taxi.

- Yes, ma'am.

Hey, what's the idea?

- Get back in your cab or I'll slug ya!

- Ah, don't get excited.

- Come on.

- No, Eddie, let's take this one.

- Criminal court building.

- Yes, ma'am.

- I have the sworn affidavits and depositions

from those witnesses in Chicago.

They came in the mail this morning.

- What witnesses, what's all this about?

- Chicago should be pretty familiar to you.

I understand your bosom pal has

opened a couple of night spots there.

- You mean smiley?

- Who is smiley, dear?

I don't see his name in these documents.

- When I finish with him,

the only place you'll find his name will be on a tombstone.

- Well, what is he to do with the Bentley trial?

- I don't know no Bentley.

- All I know is... - The Bentley trial, dear.

The case you're hearing in court today.

- Don't worry, Eddie.

I'll be there.

This gives you another go at Parker.

You be sure you don't bungle it this time.

- Sure, I know all about trials.

So do you, bub.

- Are you talking to the cab driver, dear?

- Keep your eye front!

Do you want us to get killed?

- Sorry, your honor.

- Dear, listen to me.

I was talking about Dr. Higgins, he said that...

- Listen, Rose, I'm handling it my way.

First comes Bentley,

then comes that St. Louie,

two-faced, double-crossing, back-stabbing...

- Fred!

- I'll show you a few tricks on how to get smiley.

Tricks you never even dreamed.

- Sure, sure, I'd go through with the trial in nothing flat,

and then we shoot out to St. Louie.

- What will we do in St. Louis, dear?

- Not you, just us.

- Not me?

Just us.

Darling, you frighten me when you talk like this.

- This is strictly between me and smiley.

We're going south together.

- On a vacation to Florida?

- Where it's a hundred times hotter.

- Boss, I tell you them's honor's own words, and get this.

He said he was gonna rush through with the trial,

then hop quick to St. Louie and get smiley.

- That's dangerous talk for a judge

and a gubernatorial candidate to make.

You sure you heard it right?

You're positive?

- Yeah, he called him a double-crossing, back-stabber,

who was running the racquet with the judge's dough.

- Nice work, Jim.

Boys, we're in.

The honorable judge just put himself

right out of the running.

Shaggsy, that hunch of yours was right.

This judge not only looks like Eddie,

he's the biggest two-timing,

double-crossing candidate that ever ran for office.

He's even worse than our own man.

- Are you calling the judge?

- I'm calling smiley.

- This looks like what they put on a guy

who was giving a necktie party.

Now, tell me the rap on these bentleys.

- Attempted murder.

- Mrs. Bentley and her husband tried to kill her father

and collect his insurance.

- One of them things, eh?

- Mm-hmm, they pushed him in front of a subway train,

but they bungled it, the fools.

The old man's alive, but somewhat mangled.

The entire country's shocked by the ugliness of it.

Somehow they fail to see any beauty in it.

- What chance they got?

- Judge Parker?

None, or they wouldn't have spent all that money

trying to square things before coming up for trial.

- Did they try to get to judge Parker?

- Oh, no.

They wouldn't do that.

They know it's impossible to fix judge Parker.

But Eddie kagle, now.

- Hey, who's spreading the dough?

- A man known as big Harry.

- Well, what's his last name?

I can't look up no big Harry.

I want to call him up

and have him come here quick before the trial.

- Oh, no, he's too smart for that.

- Well, what'll I do?

- Well, you just dial spring 7-4-2-4-2.

I'll guide you, a little telepathic transmission.

- Always showing off with them big words.

I used to dish out plenty of dough myself

when I put in a fix.

Now's my chance to get some of it back.

Twenty-five grand ain't enough

to fix a rap like what this is.

Why, it's...

- Heinous? - It's hamous.

- The whole country is aroused by it.

- Yeah, it's re-roused the whole country.

- But your honor...

- As is the case of "the people vs. Mitchell,"

186 New York 942.

- Like in the case of "the people vs. Mitchell,"

186 New York's 942.

- They got 30 years.

- You don't want the bentleys to do a 30-year hitch, do ya?

- No, your honor, but if you'll only be reasonable.

Let me bring the bentleys in.

- Mm, so you can have witnesses for the fix, eh?

- No, your honor, I just want you to see them,

and have them say a word in their own defense.

- Wait.

Put the moolah on the desk first.

- Your honor, this is Mr. and Mrs. Bentley.

They will tell you that this whole affair

was merely the result of a tragic misunderstanding.

This fine upstanding citizen,

and this frail, innocent law-abiding little lady

were simply victims of circumstance.

The result of which Mrs. Bentley has been under

the constant care of her physician.

She's lost weight.

She's been unable to...

- Rosie.

Rosie Morgan.

- It can't be.

You was bumped.

You was bumped!

- You didn't wait long

to get hooked up with this lug, did ya?

- Your honor... - Shut-up.

- Now easy, Eddie, don't ruin everything.

- You shut up too.

All them trips to Kansas City

to see your poor old crippled mother.

- And you! - Your honor,

get hold of yourself.

- So this was your mother, huh?

You little two-timer,

you was playing around with him all the time.

But I got you now.

Wait till the trial starts.

I'll throw the book at ya!

I've give you the works!

I'll salt you and him away for keeps!

- Your honor, the court is ready, sir.

- Here's your dough.

You can't fix this rap not for a million,

not for all the dough in the country.

- Your honor, they tried to bribe you?

Imagine!

- Wait till I tell the story to press, your honor.

After this you're a cinch to sit in the governor's chair.

- Hey, don't you never say chair to me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, your honor.

- You fool.

You unmitigated, abysmal fool.

- If you had a body,

I'd tear it apart.

Good thing you can do that trick.

- You should see him.

He's gotten worse.

He's somebody I don't know anymore.

What is it, Matt?

What's happened to Fred?

- It isn't as simple as diagnosing a case of measles.

- No, thanks.

- It could be a throwback to his formative years,

his young years,

the boyhood years when he lived in the slums.

- But what caused it?

- Fear, probably.

- Of what?

- Well, he might be afraid

of the high office he's running for,

afraid of being elected,

afraid of the responsibilities it might mean,

afraid of loving a woman like you.

- A woman like me?

- Yes.

Barbara, I think Fred should withdraw from the campaign.

- Are you serious? - Deadly serious.

- But you can't be.

He's as good as elected right now.

- Yes, I know.

- Oh, he'll be all right.

He's got to be.

He's got to be governor.

- From judge's secretary to the governor's wife not bad.

- Why, Matt.

- Barbara, we've been friends for a long time.

You're the loveliest girl I've ever known.

You're also the most ambitious.

- Yes, Matt.

I am.

See, I'm not a psychiatrist.

I don't know much about neurotic conditions.

But I do know that what Fred is doing he must do.

Psychiatry won't give a lot of poor kids

a chance to grow up like decent human beings,

and Fred Parker will.

Psychiatry won't wipe out

the vicious elements in this world,

but the influence of governor Parker will,

and this ambitious wench, Barbara foster,

is gonna help him do it.

- I'm sorry, Barbara.

I guess, I was mistaken in you.

Forgive me?

- I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that a man like Fred has to pay

for all this with his health.

But I...

- Well, perhaps it'll work out.

As matter of fact, his condition may pass

as quickly as it came.

But he must be handled with Patience and understanding.

It's going to be difficult for you.

- Nothing's difficult where Fred's concerned.

- If you could possibly get him away for a short while,

it would help enormously.

- I'll do my best.

- Good.

- Of course.

Always.

Goodbye, Matt.

- Lovely, isn't she?

Go ahead, Eddie.

Make the most of it.

She's all yours.

- Mine, eh?

Nah, this dame ain't like Rosie.

- Why I sent for you so sudden is this, smiley.

You've been negotiating to operate in the east

the same as in St. Louie,

which is okay with me and the boys

on certain good and reasonable conditions, of course.

- I got conditions, too.

- Oh, sure, we're not gonna have

any argument about percentages.

There's only one question.

- Shoot.

- Eddie kagle.

- What about him?

- Well, now that he's out, and free again...

- Ain't you heard?

Eddie ain't around anymore.

- He ain't?

- Nah, he was bumped off the minute he graduated college.

- Well, what do you know?

That means you're top dog now.

- Nobody else.

- And you're operating alone?

You don't have to ask nobody about nothing?

- You're learning fast.

- You wouldn't be holding out

any important information on us,

would you smiley?

- Such as for instance.

- For instance, like silent partners.

You know, someone way up in political circles

that's maybe getting a cut out of everything?

- I told you I operate strictly alone.

- We heard different,

and we heard it straight, smiley.

- You're hearing it straight from me,

yours truly, smiley Williams.

- All right, smiley, if you say so.

After all, if you ain't exactly telling us the truth,

there'll be complications, which somebody will get hurt.

- It's always the other guy gets hurt, not me.

- Send him to the judge's house.

That will settle both of them.

Just get them together.

- Tell you what, smiley, I just had a thought.

Before you open up,

there's a guy you gotta see.

If he gives you the okay, then we'll do business.

- Is he the juice?

- Yeah, the juice.

I'll give you his name and address.

You better call on him right away.

If he's not at home, wait for him.

- A judge?

Ajudge, huh?

Fredrick Parker.

- You better be getting on over there.

Is he the juice?

- Running for governor, too.

Surprised?

- Yeah.

- I thought you would be.

- Is he tough? - You tell us.

We'll be waiting to hear how you come out.

Bye, smiley.

- So long.

- My children, my children,

you'd be lost without me.

- The governor's mansion's all right,

but this is where we'll really live.

Shall we go in?

Where?

- In our house, silly.

- Oh, sure.

- Can't you just see it shining and beautiful?

Remember, darling, all the fun we had planning all this?

Location and the rooms and the garden.

Come on, let's go up these three little steps.

There careful now.

Now, we're on our porch.

Oh, darling, we'll spend a lot of time out here,

after dinner in the evenings when it's quiet and peaceful.

Let's go inside.

Hey, oh, wait.

- What's a matter?

- We have to open the door.

- Oh.

- Come in, dear.

Now then.

- Hey, you forgot to close the door.

- When we're married I'm going to insist

that you carry me across the threshold.

- When we get married, huh?

- Well, don't say it so gloomily, dear.

It won't be that bad.

Now, over here is your study,

your private, sacred room,

and there will be pictures of all the great men of law,

and literature, and politics,

and then over here by the window will be your law library

and a big lounging chair for you to slump down in and read.

- And will I want to do any reading with you in the house?

- Why, Fred.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

- A lot of nice things I want to say to you.

- Say them to me in there.

That's the most important room in the house.

- What is it, the kitchen?

- No.

The nursery.

- You mean you want to live here with me

and have kids and sit on a porch?

- Of course, darling.

- Look at me.

You mean with me?

The way I am?

With what you see and how I talk?

- I love you.

- You don't see no difference?

- No difference that matters.

- Imagine that.

I could have had all this, been all this.

People calling me your honor and smiling at me.

Kids making a fuss over me,

and me not having to hide from someone all the time.

And you.

I could have had you.

- But you are all that.

You have me.

- I ain't...

I ain't got nothing.

I ain't got...

Even got myself.

- Darling, don't say those things,

at least not out here.

You promised today would be our day.

You promised to forget all about court

and the election, everything.

Please, darling, let's just enjoy ourselves.

- I beg pardon, sir,

but perhaps you'd prefer to come back tomorrow.

Evidently, his honor is unavoidably detained.

- I'll wait.

- Yes, sir.

- You happy, darling?

- Yeah, but I'm scared too.

- Of what?

- I don't know.

I never been scare of nothing in all my life.

- Dr. Higgins said you might...

- Nah, it ain't nothing the doctor knows about.

It's something I can't figure out myself.

Except maybe because I found something I never had before,

something I want to hold onto,

a place like this and feeling a quiet inside me,

a new slant on things.

Eh, I'm talking screwy.

- No, you're not.

It makes me so happy to hear you talk like that.

- Happy?

- Fred, I'm beginning to find you again.

- Honey, I'm all mixed up again.

You see I made a deal.

Well, how could I know that I'd

meet up with a girl like you?

I'd cut my arm off than hurt you.

If I could puzzle it out from

just for a couple of minutes, myself.

- It's all right, darling.

- That was a very touching scene.

- What are you gum-shoeing around for?

- I have some nice news for you.

Remember I promised that if you'd help me get judge Parker,

I'd help you get smiley?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, I happen to keep my word,

even though though some others don't.

- I did everything you asked me.

- And bungled everything, too.

Instead of ruining judge Parker,

you made him more popular.

That right in the auditorium,

or refusing the bribe in the Bentley case,

and now this fantastic billing and cooing.

- A guy can change, can't he?

- Oh, not you, Eddie.

It's too late for that.

Besides, a halo isn't your particular dish.

However, what I came to tell you is this.

Smiley is in town.

- What's he doing here?

- He's come to extend his cafe business.

He's gonna open up in this city,

with your money, Eddie,

the money you went to jail for,

the money he killed you for.

- I don't know.

Getting the rat don't seem important no more.

- Oh, now really, Eddie.

You're going soft.

What's more, you're getting yellow.

- Don't you never say that to me.

- You can prove I'm wrong

by carrying out your end of the bargain.

- Well, I can't leave Rosie.

I mean I love her.

- Smiley in town is not only a threat to you,

but to Barbara, too.

- You mean the girl is in danger with smiley here?

- Figure it out yourself.

When he see you if you don't get him, he'll get you.

Like he did before,

with a smile on his face.

You know what that would mean to judge Parker, to his body,

and where would that leave Barbara?

So you see, either way, for her sake,

for the sake of any little children she may have,

you've got to kill him.

- You got a way of putting things which makes sense.

Although inside me, I know that

I shouldn't follow your advice,

but it's like you say.

I'd only be doing Barbara a favor,

protecting her kids.

Our kids, maybe, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

Now you're beginning to see straight and think clearly.

Shall we go?

- I gotta tell Barbara first.

Honey, I gotta attend to something,

something very important.

I gotta use your car.

- My car?

Well, I guess it's all right, dear, if you want to.

- Thanks.

I won't be long.

Look, honey.

I want you should straighten me out on something.

- I'll try, dear, if I can.

- If we was already married and living in this house,

and had kids, and one day a big rat full of poison

came out of his hole and showed his teeth,

and went for the kids' throats,

what would you do?

- There'd be nothing to do but destroy it.

- You mean kill it, don't you?

- Well, yes.

- Thanks.

Thanks for straightening me out.

- Fred, wait!

Kill it.

Kill it.

- What a beautiful day.

One couldn't ask for more delightful weather.

- Take that grin off from your face.

- Well, now please permit me the privilege

of expressing my happy frame of mind

with a few facial wrinkles.

E'ils

- look out I don't put some wrinkles on ya.

It'll stay for keeps.

What's the matter?

I wasn't speeding.

- I didn't say you was.

Let me see your driver's license.

- I must have left it in my other suit.

- In this state that ain't good.

How about your owner's license?

- Tell him its your fiance's car.

Tell him you borrowed it to go to a campaign meeting

where you're making a speech.

- Don't you recognize me?

I'm judge Parker.

I'm running for governor in the next state.

There's a political shindig there tonight,

and I'm making a speech.

This is my finance's car, see.

She just let me have it for the emergency.

- What's her name?

- Barbara foster.

- That's an interesting set of circumstances.

A girl by that name phoned the police

to report her car stolen,

and the description of the car and the license number

was identical with the one you're driving.

- I'm telling you you're making a mistake.

- That's what they all say.

Anyhow, you can explain it down the station house.

Follow me.

- You know this should convince you conclusively, Eddie,

that I'm the only friend you have.

First, your best pal smiley double-crosses you

and now this girls.

- It ain't so the cop pulled a boner!

The girl ain't had nothing to do with it!

- Wishful thinking, Eddie.

She knew you went out to kill,

which meant you wouldn't be governor,

and she wanted to be the governor's wife.

- You're a liar!

- Mankind has been beset by women since Adam,

and Barbara is the true offshoot of her grandmother Eve.

- You're batty.

- Will you at last come to see

that I am the only person you can trust.

- No further than I can throw this building!

Stop talking to me, will you?

You're only making a fire burn in my head!

- Now listen, Eddie... - Stop it, will ya!

- Hey, what's with you?

Who are you talking to?

- Nobody.

Just rehearsing my speech.

- Yeah, well, come in the other room.

That lady's here, the owner of the car.

- Barbara.

Barbara, tell this copper who I am.

- I beg your pardon?

- Huh, what's this?

- Do you know this man?

I've never seen him before in my life.

- Barbara, please.

Don't do this to me.

- You'll have to file a complaint, lady.

- All right. - Barbara, wait.

Let me talk to you alone, just for a few minutes.

This may mean everything to you, to your future.

Barbara, there's certain things I can't tell you

because I know you won't believe it.

But you've got to believe this.

For the first time I can remember

I'm trying to do something for somebody else

without caring what happens to me.

I was beginning to change, you understand?

You've done it.

Don't spoil it now.

Don't let me down.

For your own sake.

For the sake of them kids,

which is gonna sleep in that nursery

you were telling me about.

- Fred, you said something about making a deal.

- All right.

I want you to make a deal with me.

I'll get you out of here

if you'll go with me to a minister,

and marry me right now.

- But I can't.

- Take it up, Eddie.

Then you can finish what you started out to do.

- All right, I'll marry ya.

Hey, Nick, you're going the wrong direction.

- I'm going in the right direction.

- Nevermind, Nick, dear, please.

- And he said in another place,

"if anyone offend one of the weak who believe in me,

"it were better for him...

"That a millstone.

"It were better."

Where did I leave off, Agatha?

- "It were for better."

- What was better?

- "If anyone offend."

- "If anyone offend one of the weak

"who believe in me it were better."

- We want to get married.

- Why?

Too many people are getting married these days

without asking themselves why.

Well, there's an idea.

Make a note of that for a sermon.

- Yes, dear.

My husband is preparing his sermon.

He'll be right with you.

- Won't you sit down. - "If anyone offend

"one of the weak who believe in me,

"it were better for him that a millstone

"were hanged about his neck,

"and he were cast into the sea."

And he said in another place,

"if thy hand offend thee, cut it off.

"It is better for thee to end a life maimed

"than to go into the gehenna of an extinguishable fire."

- You said it, brother.

- Expressions of approval will be confined to amen.

For it is written that everyone shall be burned with fire,

and every victim salted with salt.

When the devil speaks to you, my children, heed him not.

For his only desire is to lead you below.

He is the evil one.

Watch for him.

No matter what name he introduces himself with,

Lucifer, beelzebub, mephistopheles.

- Hey.

I know him.

- Where was I, Agatha?

- Mephistopheles. - Oh, yes.

Heed, not mephistopheles, my children,

lest you suffer eternal damnation.

When he whispers in your ear, turn away your head

and harken instead to the angel on your shoulder.

- What if you ain't go no angel on your shoulder?

- You have if you live right, son.

Be good, do good.

The devil wield no power over a good man.

- Sit tight, honey, I'm coming right back.

- Where are you going?

- I'm gonna tell off the devil.

- Good for you, son.

The altar's to your left as you enter the church.

- Well, Eddie?

- I just come out to tell you something.

There's a smart operator in there,

what knows all the answers.

- You don't say.

- Mm-hmm.

He even knows who you are.

- Do you know?

- Yeah, Nick, I know.

- I'm afraid I'll have to take you back, Eddie.

You know too much.

- The dope I got says you can't get the drop on a good man.

- That hardly covers you.

- My record's clean this trip.

I ain't done nothing wrong since you brought me back.

- Well, Eddie, I have only the

kindliest feelings towards you,

and to prove it I want you to go right back in there,

and marry Barbara, and my blessings on both of you.

- We don't want no blessings from you.

I'm through with you.

- And, therefore, is not by any to be entered into lightly,

but reverently, discretely, advisedly, soberly,

and in the fear of god.

Under this holy estate,

these two persons come now to be joined.

If any man can showjust cause

why they may not lawfully be joined together,

let him now speak, or else, hereafter,

forever hold his peace.

I require and charge you both...

- Wait a minute!

- Please, dear.

- He brought up something important.

Honey, I gotta speak now, like he says.

I can't marry you.

I'd be doing wrong.

And that's just what the devil is waiting for.

- Oh, dear lord.

Fred, you don't know how hard

I've been trying to help you in every way.

But I'm afraid I can't go much further.

You're not only destroying yourself, you're destroying me,

and I just can't stand it any longer.

Please, let's go on with the ceremony.

- But, honey, I can't.

My eyes have been opened.

Marrying you now would be the worst thing I could do,

which don't mean that you lost Fred Parker.

But like you said this afternoon,

you'll be finding him again,

and he'll be proud of you,

like he always was.

Honey, if I could only make you understand.

- I think I do understand, darling.

Come, I'll drive you home.

Please forgive us.

- Eddie, you have a visitor.

You might like to know that in his breast pocket

he is carrying the very gun with which he snuffed you out.

He's been carrying it around ever since.

Brings him luck he says.

You can now repay that long overdue debt with your own gun.

That's what's known as poetic justice.

- "Heed not mephistopheles, my children,

"lest you suffer eternal damnation.

"When he whispers in your ear, turn away your head,

"and harken instead to the angel on your shoulder."

- You're right, mepopopolis,

or Nick for short,

but I ain't never plugged no guy what's asleep.

I'll wake him first.

- It's so much simpler this way.

I made him drowsy to make it easier for you.

- You make everything easy, don't you?

- All right, have it your way.

Wake him up.

It might be more amusing.

- I'll go fix him a drink,

make it feel like old times.

Smiley.

Smiley.

- Huh, who called me?

- I did.

- Oh, judge Parker.

- I'm fixing a couple of drinks.

What's on your mind?

- Well, I'm operating in St. Louie and other spots.

- Mm-hmm.

- And I'm interested in a couple of joints here in the east.

Bellamy steered me to you about getting a passport.

- Sure, sure.

I understand.

- So as is my nature to come to the point pronto,

what's your cut?

- 100 grand and 25% of the take.

Hold on, judge.

I may be from St. Louie,

but I ain't no hick.

- You operating alone?

No partners?

- All alone.

- I heard there was a Eddie kagle heading your outfit.

- Yeah, but he's dead.

- You sure?

- Well, I ought to know because I, uh...

- Because you what?

- I got the flash as soon as the cops found his body.

- I heard he was your pal.

- Yeah, we grew up together.

I used to do his thinking,

and he'd do my fighting.

- So you paid him off by putting four slugs in him

from his own rod.

- Hey, what kind of talk is that?

You after blackmail?

This is smiley Williams you're talking to.

- Who should know

better than me.

- You.

- You were... - Why you so nervous?

You look like you seen a ghost.

- Stop it, Eddie, get on with it.

- Shut-up, memopopolis.

- My name's smiley Williams.

- Pleased to meet you.

They call me judge Parker.

But maybe I ain't judge Parker.

Maybe I'm somebody else.

Somebody you know.

- No.

No, you can't be him.

Who's him.

- Eddie.

Eddie kagle.

No, you can't be this whole thing it's screwy.

- Maybe it ain't screwy.

Why don't you start figuring it out.

If I ain't judge Parker, I must be somebody else.

Maybe I'm that pal of yours, Eddie,

Eddie kagle, the one you chopped down with his own rod.

Figure it when you're afraid of every shadow,

every footstep, every sound, every dark alley you'll pass,

every car that whizzes by.

Holed up in your hideout and go slowly nuts

trying to figure is Eddie kagle dead or is he alive?

And then when you can't take it no more,

go blow your brains out.

- There it is, your old gun.

Return the compliment, Eddie.

- Stop whispering in my ear, devil.

- Lay off me, will you, judge.

I'll do anything you say.

Give me a chance.

- You didn't shoot him.

We had a bargain.

- He was took care of a better way,

and I never even touched him.

Now you go back to your hole in the ground.

You're in my way.

- I cannot go back without you.

- Well, now ain't that too bad.

- Now listen, Eddie.

No soul has ever escaped from my domain before.

I've got to get you back

or I'll be jeered at and derided.

Why, the upheaval would be cataclysmic in its proportions.

What a laugh.

Looks like you got yourself behind the eight ball.

- Come on, Eddie, please have a heart.

- You'll have to take it up with the boss.

I'm getting my orders from him from now on.

- Must I run a foul of you again?

Am I doomed forever to be vanquished?

What is this sub-human creature

incubated in the recesses of foulness

done to become your favored?

It was with evil intent that he ventured forth.

He volunteered to do my bidding.

Must I be humiliated by this maggot?

I demand my rights.

- You're missing the point, chum.

There's an hombre called judge Parker,

and a sweet gal named Barbara

what's been playing good ball with a lot of kids,

which might otherwise join up with your team,

and me, Eddie kagle, is staying around

to see that you don't mess things up.

- So long as you remain in the judge's body,

neither you nor he can do anything.

What's more, you're making Barbara very unhappy.

The longer you remain on earth,

the longer she cannot be joined with her rightful mate.

- It was you who got me in.

- You were evil then.

I had power over you.

- I get it.

If I don't myself help you take me out of Parker's body,

Barbara and the judge don't get together like they should.

All right, I'll make you a deal.

If you lay off the judge and Barbara for life,

I'll go back with you.

- I accept.

I have to.

You ready?

- Wait, I wanna say goodbye to Barbara first.

- I cannot wait.

- You'll wait and like it.

I gotta see you right away.

Hop in your car and come right over.

Yeah.

Thanks, honey.

You sure are something for the eyes in that outfit, honey.

- Thank you, darling.

I wanted to look my best.

You said we'd go to dinner and a show.

- I'm afraid that's off.

Because I'm going away.

I ain't never coming back.

- Dearest, what do you mean?

Why would you be going away?

- Well, I can't tell ya,

because I'm afraid you won't understand, baby.

- I only understand that wherever you go

I wanna go with you.

- Nixed.

You don't belong where I'm going.

- Oh, no.

- Eddie?

- I got everything set for you, honey,

so you won't have no more trouble.

When I'm gone,

the judge can straighten everything out,

and you and him getting married

and go live in that swell house and have kids.

- Eddie.

- I have to be going now, honey.

- Please, please don't say those things, darling.

Now, now, now, now.

I feel kind of funny, kind of dizzy.

- Darling, go in and lie down for a bit.

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll lay down.

I just wanted to tell you...

- Eddie.

- Goodbye, honey.

- Dr. Higgins, please.

Do you know where he is?

Please try to reach him

and tell him to come to

judge Parker's apartment immediately.

Yes, it's very urgent.

Thank you.

- Barbara.

You have tears in your eyes.

What's the matter?

- It's nothing.

Nothing, everything's fine now.

- Well, so long.

Funny, I never thought people's faces looked so good.

Lots of other things I never noticed before.

If I'd only knowed the first trip around what I know now.

- When I get you down below,

I'm gonna take special pains with you.

I'm going to introduce you to agonies undreamed of.

- I don't think you'll be so tough.

- No? - Nah.

Because you know why?

Because you made a sap of yourself.

You don't want your boys to know that.

No big shot wants to look like a sucker before his own ma.

Now, if I was made a trustee...

- This is shear unblushing blackmail!

- You ought to know, brother.

You ought to know.