Original subtitles

May I take your keys, ma'am?

Yes, please.

Actually, no.

Sir, would you like to order a cocktail while you wait?

Yes, please.

Oh, actually, no.

I think my blind date is standing me up.

-Hey, Dan. -Hey, Jeanie.

How's your date?

Yeah, it's not happening.

Can you tell your friend that I'm bailing?

Blind dates are the worst.

Why do I have to tell him?

Because you love giving bad news.

I do.

I really do.

Oh, hey, you know who died?

Bye, Dan.

It was my neighbor with the cats.

I think Jeanie's standing me up.

Damn, I wanted to tell you.

Still feels good, though.

I knew it.

Blind dates are the worst.

Blind dates are a nightmare, especially at my age.

I couldn't agree more.

Wait.

Jeanie?

James?

Dan didn't tell me you were stunning.

-Well, he... -he didn't tell me

you had such great taste in women.

Would you like to have dinner?

Only because blind dates are so fun.

So you're a middle school teacher.

Yeah, and I love it.

It's wonderful to be in a workplace

where I have the best skin.

Eighth graders get a bad rap, but I love them.

Helping them with all the firsts.

There is no breakup more brutal than an eighth-grade breakup.

Wait till you hear about my divorce.

That bad?

Well, not bad so much as scary.

Claudia's terrifying.

I don't talk about her very much, because if I say her name

three times she appears.

Let me guess, you had one of those amicable divorces.

Unfortunately, no.

Oh, it ended badly?

Especially for him.

He died.

Oh, I... I had no idea.

No, no, no, it was three years ago.

He was devoured by lions.

Good God.

Actually, it was brain cancer,

but that's such a bummer.

So a professor of what?

Philosophy.

I've been working on a book for five years.

It's driving me insane, but I couldn't be happier.

I have a philosophy about that.

Which is?

People are either butterflies or gophers.

You know, gophers dig down deep,

and they focus on one thing.

Butterflies, they just flit around exploring everything.

I'm guessing you're a butterfly.

Oh, yeah.

I am a total gopher.

Noted.

This may be the best roast chicken I have ever had.

It's not bad, but if you think that's the best,

you haven't tasted mine.

A man who roasts chicken?

Be still, my heart.

I roast carrots too.

Beets.

Root vegetables.

Turnips?

I roast the hell out of a turnip.

Can I try something?

Oh, my steak?

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Wait, what?

Aren't you coming?

That was fun.

Very fun.

I never had to pause for Gatorade before.

I'm gonna make us some breakfast.

And then you can do that thing again,

only this time on the bed.

My yoni says yes, but my knee said no.

That sounds better than any day I've ever had.

But I have to go.

Where?

Norway.

I have a month-long fellowship at the University of Oslo.

Wait, you planned a date for the night

before you were leaving for a month?

I didn't think it would go well.

Me neither.

I thought I'd be shimmying out a window, not my panties.

Where's our mother?

What did you do to her?

Something very nice.

James, this is my daughter, Poppy, and my son, Lolo.

Gen Z. Pandemic messed them up.

Guys, this is James, my blind date from last night.

Oh.

-Hi. -Hey.

What's up?

I didn't know you had kids.

You don't talk about us?

Oh, not you.

Your backstory is boring.

But mine?

Dude, it's what '90s movies were made of.

She was the compassionate teacher.

I was the foster kid who was her star student.

You vaped in class.

You napped during tests.

She adopted me when I aged out

so I could get on her insurance.

But the joke's on him,

because it was teacher's insurance.

James is moving to Norway.

Oh, so it's just a one-and-done?

-More like a two... -And a half.

Two and a half.

Come on.

I'll walk you out.

I really don't want to leave.

Is there a chance we could pick up where

we left off when I get home?

I'll think about it.

Did anyone ever tell you you give very misleading kisses?

This is one of the original offices from 18 and 11.

I hope it's to your liking.

It's magnificent.

Yeah.

That chair is made of leather from whale penis.

Don't worry.

The whale wasn't killed.

Someone just found the penis washed up on the beach.

Poor whale.

Professor Brennan, when I was assigned

to be your teaching assistant, I became very pleased.

I've always been curious about Los Angeles.

I hear you have sunshine.

What's it like?

It's very nice.

Wow. It's like I'm there.

It's always been my dream to be tan.

As a child, I was so white and smooth, my nickname was Milky.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

-Arvid, um, one... -one last thing.

When I work, I need absolute, complete silence.

Otherwise, I simply can't concentrate.

Ah.

Understood.

His stories are insane.

I mean, how many times can one person fall into a fjord?

It sounds like you're enjoying yourself.

I am.

It's beautiful and quiet, and this month away from my book

is just what I need to come home and finally finish it.

-Yes! -Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Wow, you're really excited about my book.

Sorry.

It's just... it's a big Clippers game.

Are you a sports fan?

Oh, yeah.

I love the sports.

If you like sports, the Holmenkollen Ski Festival

is a must.

You must be Arvid.

I am Arvid.

I'm Jeanie, James's girlfriend.

You're my girlfriend?

I'd love to be.

But don't make it weird.

Weird?

I won't make it weird.

The idea that I'd make it weird is what's weird.

To be honest, he's been weird all day.

Arvid, please hang up.

Very well.

Goodbye, Jeanie.

Bye, Arvid.

Wow, what a voice.

I bet he sings.

I do.

Mostly power ballads.

Arvid, hang up.

Not exactly a people person.

We'll work on him.

-Hey, Mom. -Oh, hey, Pops.

Since when do you wear lipstick?

Since she's been FaceTiming Norway dude ten times a day.

-Is it too much? -It is, right?

It's just too much.

I'm gonna lose it.

I'm gonna blot.

Oh, my God.

Mom, you're nervous.

I am. I am. I am.

I don't know, everything just feels so new and exciting.

Kind of... I think I'm gonna send a...

what do you call a sexy pic?

A mistake.

Remember the talk we had?

If you put it on the internet, it's on there forever.

Hi, I was just gonna call you.

Did you get my pic?

What pic?

Just check your texts.

Wow.

Nietzsche was wrong.

There is a God.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

I love Norway, but the nights and nights are

all starting to run together.

Well, the good news is, I cheered myself up

today by breaking into my car.

Classic way to put a smile on your face.

Poppy, Lolo, and I have these lists called

"things that would be awesome to know."

Just reminds us that the world is full of awesome things.

Wait, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna send you my list.

"Lock picking, ballroom dancing, climbing the Alps."

What would be on your list?

When I turned 60, I made a list

of things I don't wanna do.

That is so gopher of you.

Well, definitely no Alps.

I'm terrified of heights.

I don't even like the Ricola commercial.

Jeanie, I think it's you.

You're my entire list.

Come home now.

♪ I've been waiting ♪

♪ For a girl like you ♪

♪ To come into my life ♪

Arvid, hang up.

♪ I've be waiting ♪

So much easier than breaking into a Subaru.

Wow, James.

Fancy.

-Claudia? -Yes?

Oh, God!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Um, I... I'm...

I know who you are.

-Oh. -And good for him.

Man-baby figured out how to hire a maid.

Yeah.

I'm sorry for... for letting myself in.

I didn't know that you still lived here.

I used to.

But no.

I got the beach house.

He got this.

But I'm here all the time.

And don't mind me.

I am merely marking my territory

so that James's new, very young plaything

knows that a real woman with a real body lived here.

I heard she's a real hotsy-totsy.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

They say she's hotsy and totsy?

Yeah, and probably half his age.

Next he's going to go keto and start a podcast.

You've met her. What's she like?

She's cool.

Ah.

And fascinating.

Ah.

Seems really happy.

So was I at first.

-I mean, the sex was great. -Oh, gosh.

And good banter.

But then it started, the tippity-tap,

tippity-tap, tippity-tap.

Oh, God, is this a musical?

I'm so sorry.

-I just... I hate musicals. -No.

He started writing his book, and he needed it quiet.

So for two years I crept around my own home silent.

Me!

Silent!

So he could focus on his philosophical masterpiece,

which he's never gonna finish.

Do you know that he doesn't even number the pages so he can

keep reordering the chapters?

Like an obsessive little hermit.

Well, he can't be that much of a hermit.

He went to Norway.

Typical man.

Went to Norway, wouldn't go to therapy.

You know, I think it was harder for him to leave his book

than it was our marriage.

And look what I found after he left...

instructions.

"Do not read."

As if anybody would want to.

Oh, "Do not touch."

Oopsie!

Oh, it's... ooh, hefty.

-Whoa! -Oh!

-All those pages... -Yeah.

That I care about because I'm the cleaning lady.

I gotta go.

Four clients, four time zones.

No rest for the wicked.

That's what they say, but I sleep fine.

Wha... "A little surprise to welcome you home.

Love, Jeanie."

Aw.

How did she...

hey, baby.

You wanna go for 3 1/2?

Ow!

-Poppy? -James?

What are you doing here?

I live here.

What are you doing here?

What is happening?

James.

James, you're... oh, you're home early.

What happened to your nose?

Poppy broke it.

Sorry.

I thought he was a home invader.

Why would he invade his own home?

I don't know.

Why do men do anything?

Go get some ice.

Hey!

Norway!

Bro, what happened to your face?

That's your money maker.

Poppy punched me.

Been there.

Is that my robe?

No.

Good call, Mom.

The ice really helps.

James, you should get some.

It's for James.

There you go.

Oh, God, this is all my fault.

I just broke in to leave some flowers,

and then Claudia showed up.

Claudia was here?

Oh, yeah.

She was just spraying and tippity-tapping.

Then she tossed your book.

She tossed my book?

Yes. Za!

And there were no page numbers,

so I had to call the kids to help.

Wha... you read my book?

No.

It said not to.

I just looked at the top of the pages

and the bottom of the pages.

It was like being in "The Da Vinci Code."

It's on your desk.

Well, thank you.

It's our pleasure.

Would, uh, now be a good time to tell you

I broke your hot tub?

No.

I'll fix it.

Come on.

I am so sorry.

I just wanted everything to be perfect when you got home.

Well, that is a lovely, thoughtful, nightmarishly

executed gesture.

But all I need for things to be perfect

is to be alone with you.

Oh, that is so beautiful.

But I don't really do alone.

I come with a very big, wild, wonderful family.

We... we do things differently.

Yeah, I can tell.

This is my first floral breaking and entering-slash-

late night broken-hot-tub party.

I guess I'm just used to doing my own thing.

I know.

Milky said you left without saying goodbye.

You're in touch with Arvid?

He's really lost.

You just can't stop accumulating people.

I'm a science teacher.

I love adding variables,

mixing them all up, see what happens.

I explode things on purpose.

The louder the better.

And I like spending a quiet month alone with my nose

buried in Nietzsche.

Oh, God, I hope you mean a book.

I'm a gopher.

And I'm a butterfly.

This isn't gonna work.

Not sorry to barge in.

I left my coat and the last 15 years of my life.

Oh, what's wrong, James?

Chased the hotsy-totsy off already?

Claudia, please.

I am not buying the mopey act.

The truth is, you like being alone,

and you're incapable of change.

And that's sad.

Ohh, but you are still cute.

So remind me why we broke up again?

You cheated on me.

Oh, right, right.

Hey.

We made you your favorite fruit and cheese plate.

All cheese, no fruit.

Thank you.

If you miss James so bad, just call him.

No.

If I do, I'll try to change him.

I'm too old for that.

You're too old for anklets, but that's never stopped you.

I think I just got spoiled by my eighth graders, you know?

They're not set in their ways.

Because they don't have any ways.

But gophers don't change.

Yeah, I'll get it.

♪ Ricola ♪

James, why are you wearing lederhosen?

The real question is, why aren't you?

Climb the Alps with me.

I thought you were afraid of heights.

Not nearly as afraid as I am of losing you.

We'll all go. Come on, kids.

Why?

Forget them.

Full disclosure, it's just a rock climbing class.

I have to start slow.

I can do slow.

I remember.

Well, I think you look great.

You're lying.

I am.

All right, maggots.

For the next hour, I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm just kidding.

We're here to have fun.

Now, everybody face your partner.

When you're climbing, your partner

is the only other person in the world that matters.

Got it?

-Got it. -Got it.

Now, climbing has a very specific language

designed to keep you safe.

You're gonna be great.

Anyone tell me the two phrases we use when we climb?

I love you.

I love you too.

That's incorrect.

The person climbing says "on belay,"

and the response is "belay on," which means "have you got me?"

I've got you.

Try it out.

On belay.

Belay on.

Okay.

Next we're gonna learn to tie a simple knot.

Who wants to go first?

What do you say?

You wanna tie the knot?

Sure.

Not just that knot.

That's correct.

Everybody hear Captain von Trapp?

We're gonna be tying several knots today, people.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I am.

Dating is a young person's game.

We love each other.

We have hot sex.

We can figure out the rest in real time.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

You two, you want to get hitched?

-I do. -I do.

I feel like I'm missing something.

We're getting married.

Elvis Chapel booked.

Vegas, here we come.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I can't believe it took us so long.

James?

You're a pig.

I mean, seriously?

Humping the maid?

What?

Just go with it.