Original subtitles

Suit, ex-window display, Moss Bros, £30.

Shirt, Burton's sale, £8.

Tie, Moss Bros rental, £1 a day,

£1.

Shoes, Cats Protection League, £2.

Looking a million dollars at a funeral...

- ...absolutely priceless. - (SHOUTS) I think it's appalling

what you lot have done to this village!

You should be ashamed of yourselves,

turned this place into a bloody circus,

clogging the roads up with your vans,

- filming unsociable hours! - I did say

you can't park there, Graham, did I not?

- I did say that. - It weren't like this

when that Father Brown lot were here.

No, they were good as gold.

And that Mark Williams, taking time out to pose for photos with anybody!

Don't get nothing but grief from you lot.

Nan, what you...?

- Get inside. - It's disgraceful!

- Get inside now. - Somebody's got to say it to them.

Somebody's got to say it.

Your bath bomb's gonna dissolve to nothing

if you don't hurry up and get in that bath.

For crying out loud!

You won't be able to use that. You know that, don't you?

Because she doesn't want to be seen in a documentary.

She says it's TV for nitwits.

(BIRDSONG)

KERRY: Er, so, Kurtan's brother...

- ...snuffed it. - Half-brother.

Yeah, he died, unfortunately.

Er, but, to be honest,

I didn't really know him. We weren't close or anything.

Yeah, it's a bit complicated. So...

...me and Ray had the same dad, Marshal Mucklowe.

He died when I was young.

Er, but he had Ray when he was 20

and then had me when he was in his fifties.

Kurtan's dad was so old.

He was the same age as Tina Turner.

Yeah, but he couldn't move like Tina Turner.

Well, no, he had polio.

Try dancing when your knees are back to front.

Agony.

REV FRANCIS: Well, it's always sad

when someone passes away.

I never knew Ray, but, er, he was a hard-working chap,

by all accounts, and I'm sure the Mucklowes will give him

the sendoff he deserves.

They're a real, erm, sturdy bunch.

Nice church, though, innit?

Yeah, it's really sad,

but everything happens for a reason, I suppose.

Yeah.

What reason's that?

Well, it's just the wake's at the Keepers.

Well, what's that got to do with anything?

Well, it's just weird,

because John the landlord's recently installed a power-punching machine.

So you're saying the reason for Ray's death is

so you can have a punch with the new power-punch machine at the Keepers?

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Vicar?

Doesn't the Lord work in mysterious ways?

I'm sorry?

The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?

Um, yes. Yes, he does.

See?

(SIGHS)

(LIVELY CHATTER)

Ohhh!

(TAPPING ON GLASS)

Thank you. Thank you.

Um, I'd just like to, er, quickly say a few words about my colleague Ray.

Now, er, we worked together at Mitsubishi

until Ray retired this year

after 42 years of, um, excellent service.

Er, he...he was known as someone

who, er, very much kept himself to himself.

But, um, if you remember Ray like...like I remember Ray,

then you'll remember Ray

liked wearing his overalls

and...eating his lunch at his workspace.

Ray lived and breathed working at Mitsubishi,

and, er, he was often heard on the, er, factory floor

saying, er, something about, erm...

...saying something about, er, power, er, pumps

and, er, suspension arms and, um, what have you,

because that, er, that was his specific area.

But... But over the years, when we did happen to cross paths,

which, er, was, sadly, not as much as I would've liked,

he'd...he'd always say things like, er,

"Morning,"

and, "See you tomorrow..."

...while Fridays, when he would say...

"...See you on Monday."

To Ray, ladies and gentlemen, to Ray.

ALL: To Ray.

(POWER-PUNCH MACHINE JINGLES)

(CHATTER)

KURTAN: I cannot believe that.

What was that speech all about?

You know what? I don't think Clive knew Ray at all,

because when I asked Clive what sort of person Ray was,

he was like, "Oh, he was sweet, he was mellow,

"a bit nutty."

And I looked at the blackboard where Clive was looking,

and he was just reading out a description of a guest ale.

A guest ale, Ker.

Huh?

Were you talking to me?

Yeah.

What did you say?

You need to get your head out of them books.

Just reading your life away.

(KURTAN SIGHS)

WOMAN: "...a being of flame and air. She shivered in his embrace

"then, eyes still shut, put up her lips.

"There was nothing cool about the kiss."

KERRY: Yeah, I really got into my books of late,

and the vicar suggested I go to a book club that he runs.

And reading this,

I genuinely...

...felt like I was reading a diary...

...of a vampire.

Yes.

REV FRANCIS: It's absolutely wonderful having Kerry in a book club.

Um, she's, I think, getting so much out of it. I was...

...clearing out Jacob's room

and I found a box of all his old Goosebumps books

so I gave them to Kerry,

and she has devoured them!

I've got The Blob That Ate Everyone,

er, Say Cheese And Die!,

er, A Shocker On Shock Street. That's really shocking.

The book club used to be run by a lady called Margaret,

and, as can happen with these things, it had become a bit of a closed shop.

But Margaret's moved on and I'm running it now,

and I'm keen the group should be open to everyone,

particularly those who might, er, not be the most advanced readers

or might lack a bit of confidence,

and it's amazing to see people come out of their shell.

Next time is Colin's suggestion,

and it's an all-time classic, The Jungle Book.

Colin, would you quickly like to say why you chose this one?

No?

That's...

OK. Er, never mind.

Erm, well, have fun reading, everyone.

Lovely.

REV FRANCIS: So, how are you doing, then, Kurtan?

(SCOFFS) That wake was an absolute joke.

Oh.

I thought it was a lovely day.

I thought you gave Ray a proper sendoff that he would have been proud of.

Really? It was like an advert for Mitsubishi.

Is there really nothing else anyone can say about him,

other than the fact he worked at fuckin' Mitsubishi?

- Kurtan, language. - Sorry, but come on!

Everyone was more interested in that power-punch machine

than they were paying their respects.

I went round with the condolences book for people to sign,

and Martin signed it "RIP, Roy".

And he was Ray's uncle, for crying out loud!

"Roy"?!

How can someone's life be so meaningless?

No-one's life is meaningless, Kurtan.

(SIGHS) That's what it feels like,

because if that was my funeral, I'd be absolutely raging.

And now he'll just be forgotten about,

like Flat Eric.

- Who's Flat Eric? - Exactly.

Look, Ray will not be forgotten,

because he'll live on in the memories that you have of him.

I have no memories of him. I barely knew the man.

Well, this is a good chance for you to find out about him, then.

I'm sure the rest of the family have some great stories about Ray.

He was probably a lot more interesting than you give him credit for.

- Do you think? - Mm!

Yeah. Maybe.

- I made up my own McDonald's burger... - Yeah?

- ...by combining two burgers. - Yeah.

It's called Air, Land and Sea.

- So it's a Filet-O-Fish... - Yeah.

...a burger, with, erm...

- ...a chicken burger... - Yeah.

- Oi! - ...a McChicken Sandwich...

I heard about your half-brother.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, cheers, Mand.

Yeah, you think that's bad,

my whole brother died once.

- Oh. - Aww.

Well, s...sorry to hear that, Mand.

Why are you sorry?

I... Sorry that he died.

Oh, do you know Kevin?

KERRY: Do you know Kevin?

N-No. No.

Why are you sorry, then?

Well, I'm sorry for you.

Well, why?

I hated him. I'm glad he's dead, all the wicked things he's done.

Good. And he's burning in hell. I'm smiling my head off.

Oh. Well, that's good, then.

Yeah.

Why's that good?

He's still my little brother I used to read stories to at night.

- Aww. - Yeah. Of course.

OK, well, see you in a bit, Mand.

Yeah, see ya.

Hairy Maclary from Donaldson's Dairy.

- Yeah. - Mm-hm.

Blitzer Maloney, all skinny and bony.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Muffin McLay...bundle of hay.

Yeah.

Bottomley Potts, all covered in spots.

- Right. - Yeah.

- Hercules Morse, big as a horse. - Mm.

And Hairy Maclary at Donaldson's Dairy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know, we were discussing that book at Book Club the other day.

- Where? - Well, see ya.

Er, at Book Club at the village hall with the vicar.

But, yeah...

- Bye, then! - Oh, bye!

Right. Sorry, bye.

(KERRY BREATHES HEAVILY)

I think my fight-or-flight's kicked in.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Look at that. - Come on, let's just get home.

- I think I've got it working. - Yeah? Great.

I've got the tapes here, look.

If it's gonna be anywhere, it's gonna be in there.

KURTAN: Well, yeah,

I've been thinking a lot about what the vicar said, and he's right,

I just need to get to know Ray better,

which is, obviously, hard with him being dead now.

But Kerry remembered that her mum's got a video of Ray's 40th birthday party,

which was also the millennium.

So, yeah, proper excited about seeing what Ray was really like!

Oh, it takes me back, doing that.

SUE: Oh, bloody hell! Mart?

Yeah, what?

I can't bloody work this thing! I don't know if it's been poisoned or not.

MARTIN: I don't wanna lose my deposit from Radio Rentals. Give it here.

- SUE: Look, I can't. - Martin.

- SUE: There's no... No, no, no! - Just press that.

- SUE: I do display there... - MARTIN: So press that!

Oh, I see.

Oh, little Monica and Chandler in there.

- Aww. - Are you looking forward to

the millennium, little fellas?

Millennium party. Party. Party!

- KERRY: Look how old everything is! - Yeah.

2000!

- You all right there, Trish? - KERRY: Trish!

Oh, there we go.

Lovely, lovely!

And, er, you all right there, Rick?

KURTAN: Rick! (LAUGHS)

(PARTY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

- Hi, Sue! - Hiya!

KURTAN: Where's Ray?

- Martin! - My dad!

His hair!

- (PHONE RINGS) - SUE: Him and that ringtone!

I'm telling you, Stuart!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

- Stuart doesn't change, does he? - No.

SUE: Kerry!

- Kerry! - That's us!

No finishing the crisps, please!

Kerry!

- We loved that game! - Yeah.

You can't get through to them when that Crash Bandicoot's on.

I can't get over Dad's hair.

KURTAN: Well, where's Ray, then?

KERRY: Dancing!

- KERRY: There he is. - You having a good birthday, Ray?

KURTAN: There he is. But...

Give me the remote.

(SUE LAUGHS)

Rewind it.

You having a good birthday, Ray?

KURTAN: There he is, look.

That is haunting.

Yeah.

His own 40th birthday party, on his own,

a ghost at his own feast.

They were right about him always wearing his overalls, though.

Yeah.

So, welcome to Book Club, everyone,

and a very warm welcome to a new face, Mandy Harris.

It's so lovely to have new members. Welcome, Mandy. Erm,

so, The Jungle Book, how did everyone get on with it?

Yes, Kayleigh?

I think identity plays a big part in this world

and the nature-nurture debate,

cos I think Mowgli struggles

with his sense of belonging in the two worlds.

No.

REV FRANCIS: Er... Er, sorry,

Kayleigh, carry on.

- Carry on. - And, erm...

I think...we see this when he gets frustrated that he can't do

- the things all the animals can do... - REV FRANCIS: Mm.

...like...smelling.

That's wrong.

REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's great to have new members.

It's important that the club is inclusive of everyone,

no matter how experienced a reader you are,

and each new member brings a unique and different perspective,

which is always welcomed and creates good, healthy debate.

I don't know about the rest of you, I think I would love to be friends

with Baloo. He's that big brother you always wanted, isn't he?

He's not the big brother I wanted. He's an idiot.

Erm... Er, next time we'll be reading something a little spookier.

Kerry, maybe you'd like to explain your choice?

Er, this is Goosebumps.

Don't know if you're familiar with the Goosebumps books.

And this is called Piano Lessons Can Be Murder.

And let's just say, after you read this,

you won't be taking piano lessons any time soon!

MANDY: Why?

Er, well, I don't...

Er, you'll...find out when you read it.

Er, no, I won't.

You can tell me anyway, because I probably won't read it, anyway.

- Well, you might read it. - No, I ain't gonna read it.

OK.

Er, it's basically about a boy called Jerry...

...who takes piano lessons

and finds out his piano teacher is a robot.

And then what happens?

He, er, murders people,

just chops off everyone's hands. That's the end.

I probably would've read that if you hadn't ruined the ending.

Well done.

Right...

KERRY: So, how do you think Book Club went?

- Um... - Mm-hm?

Well, er...

I think I know why you're asking that question.

Oh. Why would that be, do you think?

- Mandy... - Yeah?

- ...has... - ...was like an atomic bomb,

blasting Book Club and all the books in it

within a 40,000-mile radius...

Kerry I...I just think she was getting the hang of it.

- She was getting the hang of it? - She misunderstood the ground rules.

- Totally dominating the whole thing... - Yes.

...being rude to Kayleigh.

I had to look after Kayleigh. Kayleigh was in tears afterwards.

- Was she? - So I just thought I'd let you know

that we both, um, are now non-members of Book Club.

- No, wait a second, Kerry. - No, we're walking out.

- Kerry... - It's either her or us.

Kerry, it doesn't need to be like that. I'm going to talk to Mandy, all right?

- You've got to give me a chance. - What are you gonna say to her?

You need to say... I will do what you have to say.

"Mandy, this behaviour is mental, yeah?

"You have to not come to Book Club any more. In fact, you're banned."

- No, Kerry. - "You need to seek mental health

- "and not come to Book Club." - Kerry...

- That's what you need to say! - Hold on one second, please.

Can I speak?

Book Club is for everyone,

- and that's the way it's going to remain. - Yeah, who's not nuts.

Please let me deal with this and...

- OK, I trust you. - ...and please just trust me...

- I trust you. - ...to talk to her.

Thank you. Thank you for... your patience. I appreciate it.

Because I have been patient.

Yep, you have.

OK? Bye!

Bye!

REV FRANCIS: Well, look...

...there are always tensions in any group dynamic,

but Book Club is for everyone,

and that is not something I'm prepared to compromise on.

I'm sure, with time and support,

Mandy will blossom into a very valued contributor.

(BANG)

(BANG)

(BANG)

(THUD)

Can you just stop doing that, please?

(KURTAN SIGHS)

You all right?

No, not really.

Why?

Just...

I just wish I had... an anecdote or a story about Ray

so I know that, you know, at least

he made some sort of mark on the world before he died.

Well, I could always ask Mum.

No, don't bother. I'm not in the mood for her.

Well, she must have some memories of Ray.

Yeah, but I just...

- Well, I can just ask her now. - No.

- Don't... - Mum?

Ker...

Do you remember Ray?

- Ray? - Ray!

No!

Ray Mucklowe, Kurtan's half-brother!

Mum, he's dead.

Mum, Kurtan's down here.

All right, Mum.

OK, enough.

Enough, please.

Sorry.

I did say, didn't I?

- Just don't get her involved. - Mm.

REV FRANCIS: OK, so,

Piano Lessons Can Be Murder.

Well, I have to say Kerry, I was very pleasantly surprised by this book,

so thank you very much for your suggestion. It was a real page-turner.

- I don't know what you thought. But... - Oh, Vicar?

If it's all right, I wondered if, erm, because I've been

so very, very inspired by everybody reading books...

...if I read out a story that I've written.

Er...

...w...well, that's...

...wonderful. Erm...

- Murder In The Cupboard... - OK, very quickly.

...by Mandy Harris.

(MANDY CLEARS HER THROAT)

"A little girl called Sarah was asleep.

" 'Bark,' said Sarah's dog.

" 'Shut it,' said Sarah.

" 'Bark, bark, bark,' said the dog.

" 'Shut your mouth, I'm trying to get 40 winks here,' said Sarah.

" 'Bark,' said the dog.

" 'If you bark one more time, I'm kicking you so hard up the arse.'

" 'Bark,' the dog replied.

"Sarah booted the dog so far up the arse his head smashed into the cupboard.

"The door swung open to reveal a murderer what had been

"hiding in the cupboard this whole time.

" 'Oh, fuck,' said Sarah,

" 'I didn't realise you was barking at a murderer in the cupboard.

" 'I thought you was winding me up, because that's what you usually do.'

"The dog didn't reply, cos it was massively concussed.

"Sarah looked at the cupboard.

"It wasn't a murderer after all.

"It was just a suit jacket that looked like a murderer in the dark.

" 'So you was winding me up after all, then,' said Sarah.

"The very next day, Sarah took the dog to the Dogs Trust

"and they couldn't rehome him, so they, sadly, put him down.

"The end."

REV FRANCIS: Yes, it's...very important

that the book club remains as open

as possible. Er, at the same time,

sometimes one has to think about the happiness of the group

rather than the individual...

Was any of you surprised

when the murderer in the cupboard turned out to be a suit jacket?

Cos I was, and I was the one that wrote it.

...especially when the individual concerned is...

...somewhat of an acquired taste.

(KURTAN EXHALES)

Auntie Sheila sent me Ray's diary,

and it's just...

"Monday - Mitsubishi.

"Tuesday - Mitsubishi.

"Wednesday - Mitsubishi.

"Thursday - Mitsubishi."

I... I give up.

I mean, the man's life was just Mitsubishi,

and I've just gotta accept it.

I just realise I've wasted

a lot of time trying to pin a personality on Ray

that I don't think ever existed.

The man just loved Mitsubishi, and that's that.

"Tuesday - Mitsubishi.

"Kitchen hygiene review."

Fuck me, what's the point?

Yeah, so....

...I rang up Mitsubishi and asked them if they'd name their next car after Ray,

which they said was absolutely out of the question,

but they did say they'd, er, fund a memorial bench in his name,

which is nice, and, er, Clive said he'd come down and do an unveiling ceremony,

erm, which is a little bit annoying.

REV FRANCIS: Ah, lovely.

Yeah, but will people get that he's dead, though,

and it's not just a retirement bench?

Mm. Yeah, I...I think so.

To me, that looks like a retirement bench.

Well, it's certainly a lovely view of the cricket pitch.

That I agree with, yeah.

Yeah.

- Oh, look, I don't believe it. - What?

Look, it's a Mitsubishi pulling in.

- How poignant! - Oh!

CLIVE: Er, no, that's a Honda Civic Type R.

I can see why you think it's a Mitsubishi, though.

Looks a lot like the Evo.

- Ah. - But it's not.

Well, he's making a meal of parking that, ain't he?

No, I think he's just trying to turn round.

You know, it's funny, if you, erm, if you put the marketplace

in the sat nav, it always brings you here, for some reason.

- Really? - Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Are you on Waze?

Er, no, I tend to use Google Maps.

Oh. Well, I would download Waze.

Why? What's the difference?

Um, well, Waze is more sort of community-based,

and, er, Google Maps is more data-based, you know.

Waze is better with, er, you know, traffic alerts and whatnot.

And, well, Google, it's... I dunno....

It's more kind of... I don't know, it's not...it's not so, er...

Rest in peace, Ray!

Yeah, absolutely.

Yes, rest in peace, Ray.

Yeah.

So, does Waze alert you to, like, erm, speed cameras and that?

Well, what happens is that other people alert you,

so it's like...it's like a kind of sort of social networking group.

- Right. - So what happens is, you're....

- How clever! - Yeah, yeah, it's great.

It's really good. So, you'll get alerted about all sorts of things, you know,

and it re-routes you.

He's more of a Google Maps man, then.

- I think he's a bit overwrought. - Yeah.

It's understandable.

Well, yeah, give it a year, I think, and everyone will be using Waze.

- KERRY: Oh, do you think? - Yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.

Oh, hello, Mandy? Er, it's, er, Francis Seaton here.

Hello, how are you?

Er, obviously, my intention was for Book Club to be a broad church,

but, well, some people just work better on their own than in a group.

But that's fine. Er, the world would be a bit boring if we were all team players.

Look, the last thing I want to do is to...upset you.

So Mandy and I had a really

good, robust... honest conversation,

and we decided that the best way forward would be to have a special book club.

So, which one do you want to hear first?

I've got Murder On The Dodgems.

The sessions will be

one on one twice a week,

and it can be a sort of open forum for her creative writing...

...which I'm really delighted about.

MANDY: "Harold had smashed

"into Tom's head on his Dodgem, which served Harold right for shagging

"Tom's wife while Harold was away doing catering for the RAF.

"Tom was absolutely furious and got out

"and started banging the shit out of Harold's Dodgem with his mallet.

"But that only made Harold angrier.

"Harold drove his Dodgem straight at Tom and took his legs clean off

"and then reversed over his arms and crushed them into bits, too.

"So Tom was just like a fat sack of potatoes with no arms or legs,

"just a head and a pair of bollocks hanging off the bottom.

"The end."