Original subtitles

Yesterday we all went to the coast

for the annual fishmonger's parade.

However, when we got there,

we found that the allied invasion

had already started.

Our, uh... our float

was commandeered by the retreating germans,

and I had to ride a tandem back to Nouvion

dressed as king neptune,

with Edith, as venus unadorned behind.

That is, behind me on the bike.

Unfortunately,

my winkles got caught in the chain

and I was forced to hitchhike back here

to welcome the tommies...

Or the yankees,

which is why we have boiled beef and carrots,

and hamburgers on the menu.

Oh, Rene,

is it not wonderful?

Soon we shall be free.

Oh, it makes me want to throw my arms around you

and kiss you passionately.

Let us wait until the allies actually arrive

at the cafe, Edith.

Then we can celebrate.

I have the champagne all ready.

Soon the corks will be popping,

there will be hugs and kisses

and tears will flow.

And then...

I will sing as I have never sung before.

Just the thought of what you describe

makes my eyes water uncontrollably.

My stew and dumplings will give the troops strength

for their long march to berlin.

With your dumplings inside of them,

they will be lucky to get past the bus stop.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have splondid nose.

The brotish and the yonkees

are heading this woo.

I have a mop.

Would you like to take a leak?

Oh, a map!

The brotish are here,

and the yonkees are here.

Look, Rene, they are only an inch away.

Edith, this is a little map.

It will take them days to get to Nouvion.

But even so, it is obvious

that the americans will get here first.

Oh, we must make them welcome when they arrive.

What do you have in mind?

Mamma has some records of american music upstairs.

I could go and get them.

A few words of yonkee would be a hilp.

Could you teach us?

Well, of curse.

Have you got any bobble gom, chom?

And biddy, can you spare a doom?

Get the records, Edith.

Rene, I must speak to you urgently.

It will have to be quick.

I soo you're still having a bit of nicky

with your boormaid.

That is none of your bosness.

Bog off.

What is it?

Rene, you promised to marry me

when the invasion started.

No, I said when the war was over,

which means when the allies actually arrive

here at the cafe.

Then will you marry me?

You have my word as a hero of france.

Oh, and you deserve

nothing less than a hero's reward...

Me.

- Oh. - Ooooh!

Somebody is at the window.

- Hello! - Hello!

Oh my god, not them!

The british airmen have come back.

They don't seem very pleased to see us, carstairs.

I say, any chance of sheltering us

until our chaps can pick us up?

We were shot down towing in a glider.

What are they saying?

I have no idea.

I do not speak a word of their language.

I don't think he understands.

You be the glider, and I'll tow you.

He'll soon get the gist.

Oh, oh!

What are they doing?

They are either speaking hindustani

or doing a fertility dance.

I think it is a fertility dance.

Rene, Michelle wants to speak to you at once.

Oh no...

Not the british airmen again.

I think she remembers us.

Michelle can sort this out.

I think we're getting through.

About time.

These froggie peasants are damned slow on the uptake.

Good grief!

What are they doing here?

Why not ask them?

I say, chaps,

what are you doing here?

Advance glider squadron shot down.

Need a place to hole up for a while.

They were shot down.

You will have to hide them, Rene.

No. Under no circumstances

am I hiding these two idiots here.

But if you turn them out,

they could get caught.

They could point this place out to the germans.

And we shall all be in the you-know-what, up to here.

Up to there.

Oh, all right.

Mimi, Yvette, take them down into the cellar.

Look, Rene, I have found the records...

- Hello. - Hello.

No.

In front of my very eyeballs,

history repeats itself.

We will be history if we do not hide these two.

Down you go, chaps.

You'll be quite safe in the cellar.

- Oh, jolly good. - Cheerio.

That is incredible.

How on earth did...?

There is no time to explain now.

I have something very important to tell you.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

We intend to blow up the german ammunition dump

outside the town.

Monsieur alphonse and I are going out in his hearse

which is loaded with explosives.

We will go to the top of the hill,

which overlooks the ammunition dump.

We will let the hearse roll down the hill

onto the dump, blowing it sky high.

But you told me it was a piece of cake.

We are on the spinning wheel of fate.

Fate can take a flying jump at a rolling doughnut.

Rene, you must go with Michelle.

What?

You are a hero of the resistance.

People will call you are a coward

if you refuse,

and your statue will not be erected in the square.

People will spit at you in the street.

- Tch! - Coward.

I will go.

Perfect.

I must be off my rocker.

Good luck, Rene.

And when you return,

I will give you a night to remember.

Either way, it is a suicide mission.

General von...

General Von Klinkerhoffen.

There will be no retreat,

and no surrender.

Not while I am garrison commander.

We will hold this town to the last man

and the last bullet.

Will we be the last men?

Very likely.

Take this.

Anyone caught deserting their post

will be shot.

Ah!

I have put a guard on your front door.

I'm not staying here for the last stand.

What do we do? What do we do?

Tie my long-johanns to the balcony

and we will climb down.

You should wash these by hand.

The quality is too good to send to the laundry.

♪ He was a famous trumpet man ♪

♪ from the old chicago way ♪

♪ he had a boogie style ♪

♪ that no one else could play ♪

♪ he was the top man at his craft ♪

♪ but then his number came up ♪

♪ and he was gone with the draft ♪

♪ he's in the army now, a blowin' reveille ♪

♪ he's the boogie woogie bugle boy of company b ♪

♪ they made him blow a bugle for his uncle sam ♪

♪ it really brought him down because he couldn't jam ♪

♪ the captain seemed to understand ♪

♪ because the next day the cap went out and drafted a band ♪

♪ and now the company jumps when he plays reveille... ♪

Rene!

Did you succeed in blowing up

the ammunition dump?

No.

But we did get a big van of vegetables.

I do not understand.

We must go upstairs and radio london.

Here, Mimi, you take these

and put them in the kitchen.

Yvette, look after on the bar.

But what happened to Michelle?

She has gone to tell monsieur alphonse

where his hearse is.

And where is it?

Everywhere.

Shh!

Aah!

The knobs, the flashing knobs.

Take your bromide.

Shut up, you silly old fools.

'Allo, london.

This is nighthawk calling.

Are you receiving me? Over.

Hello, nighthawk.

This is london, receiving you loud and clear.

What is your message? Over.

We have failed to blow up the ammunition dump,

and we are very unpopular with the greengrocer.

Over.

Do not worry, nighthawk.

British commandos will be with you shortly.

They will take care of everything.

Over and out.

Well,

that is the last message I am sending.

For me the war is over.

You are right, Rene.

I knew it all along.

You are a resistance fighter.

He's not just a resistance fighter.

He is nighthawk.

Shut up, you silly old bat.

As the war is nearly over,

we will turn a blind eye.

Just give us the painting of the fallen madonna

so we can escape and sell it.

But I do not know where it is.

I glued it between two of my menus,

and now I cannot find it.

Oh, colonel, without the painting

I fear the game is up.

And the british commandos will be here very shortly,

so up yours.

Oh no, not the commandos,

they are such rough fellows.

Can't we surrender to somebody else?

What about the british airmen in the cellar?

Edith!

The british airmen?

Are they still here after all these years?

Well, on and off, yes.

Gruber, we will surrender to the british airmen.

What a relief.

I've always got on rather well with airmen.

I say, carstairs, someone's coming.

Damn, it's the jerries.

We wish to surrender to you.

They're going to shoot us.

The swine.

I don't think they understand us, colonel.

Gruber, I've just had an idea.

Why don't we take their uniforms,

and escape in disguise?

Take off your clothes.

What's he saying?

Sorry, old boy, don't speak a word of the lingo.

My god, what's he doing?

This could be a good a moment

to quote the geneva convention.

I think he just wants our clothes, fairfax.

What a relief.

For a moment I thought I was back at eton!

The cursed british and americans

are only hours away.

Von smallhausen?

Reveal the midget submarine.

Yes, herr Flick.

It looks like two baths put together.

You have a keen eye, helga.

It is two baths put together.

Von smallhausen has spent the last year

digging a tunnel from here

to the old boathouse on the river.

Once at sea, my uncle heinie's submarine

will pick us up and take us to south america.

You will lie down inside it, helga,

with your nose in the plughole.

I will lie on top of you,

and pedal all the way to the coast.

On second thoughts, I think I'll take my chances

with the british.

Very well.

Von smallhausen,

open the secret tunnel.

Yes, herr Flick.

Herr Flick, will you be leaving me my share

of the 10 million francs?

No.

But you may have this as a momento.

The missing booby

from the painting of the fallen madonna.

Cheapskate.

Mimi, get the champagne out.

Oh, Rene,

do I look all right for the commandos?

You never looked better.

Oh, welcome, good to see you!

My dear friend.

Major twistleton-smythe,

five commando, british special forces.

My second-in-command, captain starkington.

This town is now under allied control.

What does he say, Rene?

Do not ask me.

I've arranged to take the formal german surrender in here.

But first, I want to speak to one reeny artoys,

alias nighthawk of the resistance.

Rene, he mentioned your name.

I am Rene Artois.

This must be the chap, sir.

Give me the medal, starkers.

Reeny artoys...

In recognition of your daring work for the resistance,

I'm empowered by his majesty, king george,

to award you the m.B.F. Medal.

Or "magnificent brother of france."

Oh, thank you!

Don't tell him it really stands for

"mad bloody frog."

Oh my god! No, no!

I say, starkers, who are these two?

They look like british airmen, sir.

Must be fairfax and carstairs,

the two who were shot down.

Damn glad to see you, chaps.

Oooh, waffle waffle waffle waffle waffle.

Rah rah rah rah rah.

I'm general Von Klinkerhoffen,

commanding officer of the Nouvion garrison.

To avoid the unnecessary

loss of lives of my men,

I now formally surrender to you.

Lucky you speak a little jerry, sir.

Yes, isn't it?

I accept your surrender.

Where are the other officers of the garrison?

Unfortunately, I'm the...

Good god.

Colonel Von strohm! Lieutenant Gruber!

What are you doing here?

Stand to attention!

These are my officers.

Impersonating british airmen!

This may well be held against you.

Sorry, old boy, don't speak a word of the lingo.

Nice try.

Where are we, Von Smallhausen?

By my calculation, only this wall

divides us from the river.

Excellent.

Von smallhausen, get into the bath.

Yes, herr Flick.

Goodbye, helga.

You may give me one last kiss,

before you push us through the wall

and into the river.

Forget the kiss,

but I shall be pleased to give you the push.

All we need are the local gestapo officers,

and we will have everyone in the bag.

Private geerhart!

General?!

I have to announce that upon your orders,

I have captured herr Flick and Von Smallhausen

to turn over to the british.

This is not the river, Von Smallhausen.

These look like gestapo officers.

They are.

A very junior one.

I'm a cadet.

All germans will be held

in the town jail for the time being.

Take 'em away, chaps.

Goodbye, Rene.

How I wish we'd been on the same side.

Put in a kind word for me.

I will do my best, lieutenant.

Me, too.

Tell them i'm a pussycat, really.

Mimi, Yvette, drinks for the officers.

And now for some entertainment.

I remember one british song that I heard on the radio.

Edith, Edith, no, please.

This isn't a bad little place.

I think we'll billet ourselves here

for a day or two.

Now look what you have done.

Ohhh,

what a disappointment.

Still, at least for us, the war is over.

So is your singing career.

But Rene,

we still have each other.

The price of victory is always high.

My goodness,

my dear helga.

Nouvion has hardly changed at all.

Oh, look, hubert,

there's a statue of Rene.

How handsome he was.

I wonder if...

After all these years...

His cafe is still here.

Let us go and see.

Wait for us here, erich.

Yes, sir.

Even to the smell of garlic,

how it brings back memories.

We were so young.

Surely my eyes deceive me.

No, it... it is Rene.

How has he defied the years?

I am weak with shock.

Welcome to cafe Rene.

Would you like a table?

Rene?!

Do you not recognize us?

Do I know you?

It is I, lieutenant Gruber.

And this is helga, now my wife.

Ah, I think it is my father you want.

You are the son of Rene?

Yes, I bear his proud name.

Ohhh,

and is the senior Rene

still alive?

Go, go, go.

Look, Rene, a car.

We have visitors.

That chauffeur looks very familiar.

No, no, it cannot be.

It is!

Colonel Von strohm.

Surely not.

Rene,

it's you!

Oh, colonel.

Who's this?

Oh, it is my waitress, Yvette.

She is the only one strong enough

to push my chair.

Oh, what are you doing here, colonel?

We've come back to revive old memories.

We?

Herr Gruber...

Lieutenant Gruber, you knew?

Is here with his wife, helga.

They're with me.

Lieutenant Gruber!

Married?

He became a millionaire art dealer after the war.

I'm his chauffeur.

They have six grown up children.

Six...

I never knew he had it in him.

Mimi! Yvette!

Will no one hear the cries of an old woman?

Shut up, you old bat.

Where have you been?

Lieutenant Gruber is back.

I overheard Rene talking to him

as I came up the stairs.

No?!

No.

Oh, I must go down and talk with him.

Here, help me on with my dressing gown.

Papa!

Papa, there are some old friends here to see you.

You are looking well, old friend.

Lieutenant, I can hardly believe my eyes.

I thought you would have

married madame Edith.

He never got round to it.

But he has promised to marry me,

as soon as we find

the missing portrait of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies.

Then whose little boy is...

An orphaned baby, left on the doorstep.

I told him that I was his father.

To spare him the shame.

Of course.

Kind as always.

I see they have erected a statue to you, Rene.

What is this?

The painting of the fallen madonna.

So that is...

That is where it went.

Still in the menu in which I hid it.

So that is where it went.

If only we had

the missing booby.

Strangely enough,

I still have it.

Herr Flick gave it to me

when the invasion began.

I have carried it around for years,

as a memento.

Here it is.

What a reunion.

This painting is now worth millions.

Then let us go back into the cafe

and put it together.

I will find us a buyer

through my international auction house.

This will stun the art world,

even more than my marriage.

Perhaps we could all share

in the good fortune.

Helga,

lieutenant, colonel,

is it really you?

How wonderful it is to see you again.

My goodness, madame Edith!

What is that?

Rene is in my car.

Who's with him?

That damned waitress.

We have the painting, Yvette.

We'll head for spain,

sell it and start a new life together.

Oh, Rene, at last!

What is going on here?

They are taking my car.

And they have the painting.

Rene!

What are you doing with that serving girl?

You stupid woman.

Can you not see, I am eloping?