Original subtitles

[orchestral music]

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

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[music fades]

[thunder rumbling]

[waves crashing]

[dramatic music]

[narrator reading]

[music fades]

So, what's this place call itself?

It is called Pritain, Generalissimo.

[wind blowing]

And the people? They're rough?

Rough? No.

No. The men, they shave all over the body.

They got just the mustaches.

[chuckles]

-Twenty mile, you say? -Si.

And the women... Caesar,

the women, they fight like the mens.

-The ladies, they like to fight? -[man chuckles]

Si.

Get the ships. This I got to see.

[light chuckle] Launch the ships!

We go to fight.

-[man 2] Launch the ships! -[man 3] Launch the ships!

[dramatic music]

Hey! Hey!

[soldiers yelling and grunting]

[narrator] Hidden beneath the mist,

are the beautiful rolling hills of Pritton.

I-- I mean, um, Britain.

[comical music]

Here lies the village of the famed warrior tribe

of the Dubonni, led by their queen and her three daughters.

The eldest, Princess Dwyfuc,

seeks a handsome warrior

to get her up the duff good and proper.

The middle sister we do not talk about.

-[urinating] -[clapping]

Youngest, named Worthaboutapig, is an outcast.

-Hi, guys. And how are we today? -Go away.

-[geese honking] -Good, good.

-Morning. -Ah!

[narrator] She is considered by the tribe to be unlucky.

[hissing]

But she takes comfort in her close friendship

-with the birds and the bees. -[hisses]

-[music continues] -[bees buzzing]

Banalla , Orlanna, Assilda. Gwenaacch!

Right. Okay.

You're under my control. [buzzes]

You will do everything-- No, I'm your friend!

I'm your friend!

You love me?

Ow! Ow!

Ah-ah-ah! [screams] Not up there!

Ow! Not up there! Oh, ooh! You filthy--!

I am Drith of the Silures,

son of Froth of the Golden Knees.

My arm is smooth.

From my mighty organ a great white river flows,

both in the morning and at night.

Always my big mustache tastes of pork.

[geese honking in background]

[man] Thank you.

Is this the last batch?

Hmm.

Seeing anyone you fancy?

Name?

Wthol of the Votadini.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Seems a better standard than last year.

-Please. -[Wthol grunts]

[grunting]

[man] Next!

I'd have done him for the prestige.

My Gods, imagine it. I'd be Mrs. Hairy Geordie Woman.

-I'd be a somebody. -Worthaboutapig?

-Yes, sorry. -It's my problem first.

-Of course. -[man] This is Cax of the Velgai, ma'am.

He doesn't speak.

-[groans] -[squishing]

-[man groans] -[sigh]

Okay, so what actually is it about men that you don't like?

[groans] Look at them.

It's the flower of Britishol manhood!

And the whole smooth thing, Pig, it's all wrong.

All the hair is in the wrong place.

You can't have sex with a man like that. It's like...

...kissing a seal.

No, it isn't. Because when you kiss a seal,

the whiskery bits go in your eyes

and what-- I've only done it once for practice.

Princess!

Princess Dwyfuc, come quick!

There's a foreigner come with huge, great, big,

hairy, wondering hands!

Make way for Princess Dwyfuc!

Morning. Hello, all. Morning, all.

Hello, Mrs. Thingy-Basket-Woman.

How's the disease?

-Good. -Good.

[whimsical chime]

Oh, look. A Gaul.

Isn't he Gaully, Dwyfuc?

Gaully and unusual.

[dramatic music]

[wet squelch]

[Dwyfuc] He's all yours.

What? Mine?

Mine.

All mine?

[stuttering]

To love?

[various women] The queen! The queen! The queen!

[horn blaring]

[all] Hail our queen!

-Where am I, what's going on? -We're outside now,

ma'am.

You stand before Great Queen Tuathfhlaifthfth!

of the Dubonni!

[light thud]

Our land stretches from farthest west to distant east.

From over there, to over there.

Mighty are we and none do we fear.

Pan understand he's a Gaul.

Well, fetch the one who knows the language of the Gauls!

-Yes! -[light thud]

Bonjour!

[all] Ooh...

-Monsieur... -[Gaul speaking foreign language]

Hmm?

[Gaul speaking foreign language]

Sorry.

-A little slower. -[Gaul sighs]

[Gaul speaking foreign language]

The novels...

[speaking foreign language]

He says he comes from a land of giant cakes!

-[all] Ooh... -I know what he's saying.

He says the Romans have landed.

Shh, Pig. I don't think he did--

-He did. -[speaking foreign language]

Hmm. Romans?

Here?

-[weapons rattling] -Where?

[speaking foreign language]

Did you say...

-...the Kents? -Oui.

The Romans are attacking the Kents!

-Yeah! -[all cheering]

We hate the Kents.

Look after him, sister. [sighs]

I got a husband to find.

[Worthaboutapig] Shit...

Welcome to my humble home. [chuckles]

Oh, isn't it hot? I'll light a fire-- no...

Um...

This is my bed.

That's where I sleep.

Um, this is how I sleep.

[light chuckle, exhales]

Me.

Worthaboutapig.

[nervous chuckle]

-You? -Jean.

[speaking foreign language]

[chuckles]

What a big name.

Let me look at your arm.

Slap some honey on that.

For bed.

[chuckle]

Oh, why do I find it so easy to talk to you?

[Jean] Yeah?

[Worthaboutapig] Must be my lucky night.

I'm not meant to be lucky.

I was born...

...on the shortest day...

...you see.

That's why I'm an outcast.

An outsider.

Like you.

Hmm.

-Ow! -Oh, sorry.

You? Me?

Yes.

Um, I'll be that one.

Do you like what you see?

Be gentle with me.

But use your own judgment.

[deep horn blaring]

-Ignore that. -[speaking foreign language]

Um, it's nothing.

It's just the alarm.

-[Jean grunts] -Honey! What do we do now?

Grunt? [grunts]

[deep horn blaring]

Where are they?

Toward the east!

To the hill fort!

We don't have a hill fort.

-Don't go to the hill fort! -[shushing]

Do you think you can ask them to keep you down about it?

-It's a very big day for me. -Pig!

-Yes? -The Romans are here.

-Lovely. -Help me!

-Did you...? -Ah, well, uh, we started to.

Um, then he said, I had boring breasts and just nodded off.

I think he had rather a bad crossing.

-Pig, the Romans are here. -Yes?

[dramatic music]

-[queen] ...to me. You're wrong. -[man] No, ma'am, we need to--

-The war is over there. -No, we need to go--

-I said-- Will you give me the reins? -No, ma'am, no--

-But, great queen-- -I command you!

-To the sea! -Ma'am, ma'am.

To the sea!

-No, ma'am. It's this way. -I'm doing the driving.

-I know the way. -Please.

No, no, no, no! No, people!

To the east! To the east!

To the east!

[breathing heavily]

[sighs] Follow me!

[narrator] So, Princess Dwyfuc this way,

and her army that way...

-To the east! To the east! -[narrator] ...set out to

defeat the Roman invaders.

-[queen] To the sea! To the sea! -[man] But it's, uh--

-Dear, majesty, no! -[queen] Now, to the sea!

[music continues]

-[thud] -[music stops]

[suspenseful music]

[screaming]

Damn you!

[screaming]

[spear whooshes]

-[metal clanking] -[Dwyfuc screaming]

-[metal clanking] -[punches thudding]

-[screams] -[music stops]

[breathing heavily]

[screams]

[slingshot twangs]

[light thud]

[laughing]

It's a good shot,

-[soldier] General! -Si?

[out of breath] And message from Caesar.

From a place they call "Kent"

He says they cannot find a safe harbor for the ships.

And we must return at once.

To the fleat.

[clicks tongue] Pity.

It's a nice country.

We take the fighting lady, put her in the wagon.

Let's go.

[indistinct]

Oh, nice, leg.

[crowd mourning]

-Oh, shut up, will you? -[mourning stops]

She's not dead!

My daughter has been taken by the Romanians.

Romans, my queen.

We must ask the Gods what we must do.

Fetch the one who talks with the Gods.

[rhythmic thudding]

-[dramatic music] -[goat bleating]

-One who talks with the Gods... -[thudding stops]

...show us what cannot be seen.

-[grunts] -[wet thud]

[grunts] Oh, there...

Well. [blows raspberry]

What do you see?

[woman] I see.

[gurgling]

Blood!

Guts.

And gore.

[sighs] And Dwyfuc?

They have taken her?

And left...

...her shield!

[crowd gasps]

We knew this!

[crowd agreeing]

[woman] Tell us something new!

They are taking her back...

...across the water.

To their own land.

Where does it say that?

-Just there... -Oh, yeah...

[woman 2] What else?

-She sends her love. -[crowd] Oh...

She must be rescued.

If she is not brought home

when I return to the Other World,

it'll be the idiot one who should be queen.

[crowd reacts negatively]

Who-- who will undertake this, almost certainly,

pointless and fatal mission to Romania?

-I will. -I will.

-[all] I will! -I will!

I will! I will rescue her.

I will rescue Dwyfuc.

The unlucky one has been the loudest.

-No, I wasn't. -Worthaboutapig

-shall go to Bucharest! -[crowd cheering]

Worthaboutapig shall rescue Dwyfuc!

[cheering and clapping]

-[rhythmic celebration] -[all] Pig! Pig! Pig!

You know, actually,

I thought about this overnight and I don't know

how practical this really is.

[light thud]

The Gods will protect her!

-[all] Yes! -Sure, sure.

I just feel I'm, uh...

not really the hero type.

And I suppose it's partly, finally, [chuckles]

finding a boyfriend makes me, uh,

reluctant to go at this particular juncture.

I mean, will he wait?

-[woosh] -[spear thuds]

[dramatic music]

[goose honking]

Goodbye. Goodbye. Have a nice trip.

Left up the hill.

Oh, this is just ridiculous.

[goose honking]

-[music fades] -[sighs]

[narrator] And thus, armed with her trusty spear

and goose,

Worthaboutapig begins her brave,

yet foolish journey to rescue her sister.

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

Oh, Andrasta...

...thrice beautiful goddess of-- of battle and-- and victory.

Or Mept, uh, the confused with your seven sons called Keith.

Or Laskwin Finwynwyd the Saw,

who gives birth to fully armed warriors twice weekly.

Or so she tells the neighbors.

I am so not fussy.

Gods, I need your help.

[woman] You're not kidding.

[screams]

Y--

Are you from the, um, Other World?

I'm Andrasta.

Goddess of Victory.

-Yes! -Your mission...

-Ah! -...to save your sister.

It's hopeless.

You will yourself be captured by Romans,

enslaved and finally beheaded.

Unless...

-[zapping sound] -You have another sister.

Smirgut, the Fierce.

We do not speak of her.

You do not speak of her because there is bad blood

between her and Dwyfuc.

Yet, Dwyfuc, um, gave her a bucket

and she didn't realize it'd been left in the sun

and-- and-- and Smirgut was

-absolutely livid-- -Please shut up, now.

It is only by Smirgut that your fate can be turned.

And even then! [scoffs]

You must persuade her to help you.

-[zapping sound] -But they hate each other.

And she lives in the north.

Uh, with, uh, the Briganti and they're really, really rough.

And they talk "like tha" and they wear their mongs long

at the back like a-- a mullet.

And, um,

they've got three legs.

[tribal music]

[music intensifies]

[men chanting]

[indistinct]

-[punch thuds] -[all cheering]

[grunting]

[all cheering]

[Smirgut] Don't ever...

...ever dance like that again.

[softly] Pig?

Is it really you?

[bones cracking]

[music fades]

How many children is it now?

Six, eight-- 11, 12-- Nine.

I nearly lost my gooseberry.

-You didn't! Who? -Mmm...

Oh, not old, Squinty Greenteeth the pig man.

-No! -[both chuckle]

Gods, no! [chuckles]

No. No, he chucked me.

With a Gaul.

Did you hit him over the head with a mallet?

No. No, I-- I didn't need to use the mallet.

Here's my lover. Hello, peckle.

This is my runt sister,

the one I never told you about.

Hello, little baby.

-I'm your auntie, Worth-- ah! -[crunch]

-[chuckles] Ow... -Aww, let me...

-[grunts] -[crunching]

[agonizing] Ow!

[indistinct background chatter]

How's Mommy?

Fine.

Fine.

And that stuck-up... bitch of a sister?

Dead, I hope.

No.

-She's fine. -Pity.

I would have written, but, uh, no alphabet...

What's the matter?

I've said the thing which is not true.

-Lied. -Yes.

Some Romans came, you see,

and that's why I'm here.

Because they--

they took away--

They took away...

Mommy?

-Yes. -[dramatic music]

We ride for the coast.

There's a druid there. Does boats and prophecies.

Be back later, love. Tata, children!

-[kids] Bye, Mommy. -Don't eat the pets.

-[reins snap] -[goose honking]

[indistinct]

[narrator] And so the two sisters

set out to get a boat from the wise

and incredibly interesting druid.

That's me.

So pay attention,

because I'm going to tell their fate in my own

inimitable way.

-[blowing nose] -[music fades]

Oh, I see.

Someone hasn't been telling the truth,

has she?

This mother of yours seems young.

-Gosh, how interesting. -And there's more.

[chuckles]

Secrets on both sides.

[chuckles]

Avoid the evil drink.

You know how you get.

Also,

beware...

...bad dogs.

Look, can we just get on with the prophecy?

To find this mother, you must take my boat and row.

Row till you can row no further.

Then left.

Once ashore, you must go up.

The one you seek

is there.

The future of these islands depends on you.

If our future changes,

-how can we-- -Tell?

Eh, yous come back for a full chicken.

-Do you do-- -[druid] Takeouts?

[geese honks]

[adventurous music]

So they take the boat and they row,

and row, and row, and row,

and row, and row...

...till they could row no further.

[sighs]

Then!

Left!

[water slushing]

[thunder rumbles]

Nice parking!

Gareth, you stay here and guard the boat, okay?

-[goose honks] -Good. Well done.

[sighs] I've got power over an oath...

Off we start...

So he said, "The one you seek. is there..."

No, no, we mustn't alert them.

Right...

We're going to have to be very, very clever.

[in French accent] Just airing my slave, ooh...

-[music continues] -[objects rattle]

Just airing my slave, ooh... [light chuckle]

-[tree creaks] -[thud]

-[woman] Ow! -[man] Sorry!

What are they building?

Amphitheater.

Oh. I wonder what's playing...

Wow!

Floppy shops!

[music continues]

Ostrogoths.

[metal clanking]

Look out!

[music continues]

Swedes.

British? Change money?

No, thanks. We've got a big bag full.

[man 2] You want a hotel? Nice hotel.

[overlapping dialogue]

-We pay you. -It's okay...

-[metal objects clattering] -[music fades]

[snoring]

Must be a continental breakfast.

-[men burping and snoring] -I love it here.

Yeah, well, get some sleep.

I'm gonna need all your energy for tomorrow.

Especially you.

Stab-stab name, properly...

-[gentle tapping] -[knife slashes]

Smigs?

We're coming to get you, Dwyfuc.

Don't despair.

We're coming to get you.

[whimsical music]

Oh, Lofacta...

All this luxury.

All right...

There's something I think to myself.

Why should I be the lucky one?

And then a little voice says, "Fuck it."

What's for dinner? I could eat a horse.

-A horse. With a sauce. -Excellent.

Who's coming? Any celebs?

Prefect Crassus.

[sighs] What a tit.

Ah, you've met.

And General Rhinus with the ex-gladiator

-Ruselius Crocus. -Oh...

His, uh, friend.

-Oh... -Oh, but Dwyfuc...

...now the legions are back from Germany,

we'll find you a husband, I promise.

Nobody wants a British princess.

Just because I'm a bit rough around the edges.

It takes time to adapt to foreign ways,

my dear. I mean,

even for us Gaullish women,

the invasion was a terrible shock.

-It took some of us days. -[spits]

You have to understand, for Romans,

the female is obedient to her master.

An earthly incarnation of the goddess Venus,

a creature of mystery and love.

[scoffs]

A Roman wouldn't know class. It sat on his face.

-[spit] -[metallic thud]

[adventurous music]

-[music stops] -[splashing and gurgling]

Morning.

Mmm.

These are actually rather good, you know.

Do you remember when we were little?

And used to say, "I should learn

to control my temper by counting to

two before killing people and stuff.'"

[light chuckle] Yeah.

I'm doing it now.

-One. -[ominous music]

Don't suppose you also remember the last thing you said

before we went to sleep, do you?

"Nighty night"?

I know.

Yeah. No, yeah, yeah...

I said how this morning

we'd get up and rescue Dwy-- [chokes]

[coughs]

It's-- it's stuck.

I was saying how this morning we'd go and, uh, rescue Mommy.

-[Smirgut] No, you didn't. -I did.

Didn't I?

You said, "Dwyfuc."

Really?

Two.

[music continues]

Sorry!

[panting]

Here, love.

-You're being chased? In here! -Oh, yeah...

It's all right, we're British.

You see, the smell of the soap

[sniffles] is totally covered by the cannabis.

So, no soap tax. Genius, eh?

She, uh, needs a place to hide.

Does she?

-[chuckles] Hi. -Hi. Hi...

-I- I'm Worthaboutapig. -Yeah.

What an absolute treasure trove.

Worthlessthanapig?

No, Worthaboutapig.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry to be a pickypoo, it's just, uh--

it is "aboutapig."

Never ever less.

I'm Worthaboutapig.

Yeah, well, we'll be the judge of that.

Eh, have a pull on that. Look, it's a local custom.

Well, thanks. When in Rome...

No. No.

Oh.

[bubbling]

[ominous music]

♪ Not very clever and Not very small ♪

♪ But not particularly fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-fy ♪

[Smirgut] Where is she?

-Who? -[punch thuds]

[groaning] She bloody hit me.

-[man] Who hit ya? -[man 2] Some bird out there...

No, I'm not going out there, you sort her out. No!

Did you hit him? What did you hit him for?

Aye? You a tough bird are you?

Yeah? Come on then!

[scoffs] Kents...

Oh, "Kents" is it?

-Oh yeah, come-- come on! -You and me!

-[overlapping dialogue] -[kick thuds]

[tent rustles]

I lied!

So you'd come with me!

You'll have to kill me first!

Scheming, miserable little shit.

-[thud] -[groans]

[man 3] Go, on! Kill him!

Mother!

[sobbing]

[men] Go on, kill him!

[dry thud]

[Dwyfuc laughing]

And-- and these British women,

they even they have the hair.

Under the arm.

-Oh! Oh, General, you rascal! -Ooh!

Ladies soldiers give me a hard-on.

[chuckles]

Are you British?

You gave us quite a scare.

Well, we do love a bit of a hack.

When we invade again, it will be a different story.

Of course, if it wasn't for the storms that broke up the ships,

Britain would already be ours.

[spits]

[relaxing music]

Let's eat.

So... tell us more,

Principesaof Britain.

Mm. [mumbling with mouth full]

"B" not "P". "B-B-B-B" for Britain.

How incredible.

One could never tell you were once...

...barbarian.

Hmm. But tell me,

did you never fear,

when you were first taken by us,

beastly Romans?

That you would never again know the status of a princess?

Oh, in my island, we have a saying, you know?

"Class will out."

[farts]

[farts]

[wheezing laugh]

[soft squeak]

[long fart]

[short fart]

[high-pitched fart]

[sighs]

[farts loudly and chuckles]

[farts twice]

Hey.

You know, we have a saying too, Principesa.

"If the cat will not purr,

then we torture it until it does

or dies in the agony."

We Brits clearly have much to learn in the proverb department.

Si,and we romance in, uh...

...other...

...departmentities.

We probably have more

departments we need much to have to learn... of.

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

[music fades]

-[thud] -[man] Ow!

[indistinct chattering]

No women here.

Oh...

Better go then.

Just one thing.

What?

[punch thuds]

Anything. Large one. No straw.

Two pints of goat's milk,

slightly on the turn,

and, uh, a Pernod for the lady.

Picts?

Aye.

Southern scum.

[ominous music]

May your forests be leveled,

your highlands cleared of people.

All your food fried in yesterday's fat.

And your country languish eternally under a southern yoke.

May your empire decay,

your country become a joke to all nations,

riven with class division.

And forever ruled by ponces.

-Cheers. -[man] Cheers.

[both chuckle]

Business or holidays?

-Business. -We're ambassadors, hen.

Here to make a treaty against you lot.

Hence the effor. Will you join us?

No. I mustn't. [light chuckle] When I drink,

I can become violent.

Oh, what's the matter, hen?

I'm a Celtic warrior.

First class.

A trained killer.

My sister's been captured.

And I--

Don't tell me. I know what it is.

You've had the wee ones.

And you thought you could just step back

into the workplace again?

Yes. Yes,

[woman] But it's not so easy, is it?

I mean, I can do the maiming.

-But it's the killing, ain't it? -Hmm.

You keep seeing their mothers, am I right?

That was the same for her, after we had wee Tiffany.

Look, you've just got to get back out there, girl.

Believe in yourself.

Here.

There's only one way to handle this.

You've got to just drink your way through it.

[ominous music]

[music fades]

[farts] Oh, that horse has come right through me.

[fart]

The best part of the evening,

I always think.

Another dainty?

Oh, thank you. [chuckles]

Hm, I wonder what the men talk about when we're not there.

Ugh... Nothing I'm sure to worry our

sweet pretty little heads about.

We have to discover a safe harbor.

Why don't we just torture the heathen sow?

Huh? Oh,

let me.

Please.

-Please, please. -No, Crassus,

The British can be stubborn and very stupid.

No, my way is the best. Slave.

Quickly, run to the legion.

Bring me the soldier with the nicest ass.

[chuckles]

You are incorrigible!

Lofacta tells me this Dwyfuc requires a man.

We shall find her one.

Oh, and Crassus.

I am not that way.

You understand?

No! No! Of course not.

Because that would be Greek.

We are...

...Romans.

[adventurous music]

[wood creaking]

[panting]

Enough!

[creaking stops]

[breathing heavily]

Gladiator.

Next.

Next!

British.

Oh!

Female.

Perhaps now we see the famous Celtic kick.

-Ah? -[both chuckle]

Oh...

[wood creaking]

Oh, yes, ooh. [chuckles]

[music continues]

Crassus.

General Rhinus.

How go the preparations for the games?

-Perfectly, General. -[panting]

Some of the local animals are not as wild as we might like.

-But the gladiators? -[Crassus] Oh...

Primaquality. [blows kiss and chuckles]

[chuckles] So,

who's at the top of the bill?

You got Schlaffwaffe the Goth?

Unfortunately, his agent is...

being a little difficult,

but we have some of our best lawyers on the case.

You must come-- it's so important to us.

-Come on... -[indistinct dialogues]

Okay, I go into town.

I need different feathers for my helmet.

Come on, boys.

-[man chuckles] -[music continues]

[wood creaking]

Sir, uh...

...we could put her up against the legless Kurd.

Oh, God.

This is so provincial.

Domestic.

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

The ennui...

At home I'd be in the open hunting,

riding, perhaps a little...

...butchering in the afternoon, but... here.

What's there to do?

[sighs] If this ennui continues,

I may have to retire early and have a little...

...wankette.

[water trickling]

[horn blaring]

Lady Lofacta...

[gentle chuckle] Dwyfuc...

...let me introduce you. This is Centurion,

Firmus Tarsovorlovus.

Ah, the British Princess.

Won't you join us?

[bones cracking]

I mentioned to General Rhinus

how nervous I'd become of shopping

outside the palace gates.

I did not expect him to send someone so soon.

[sighs] Unfortunately, I have no time.

A little man comes today to do my lice.

I don't have any lice.

Oh! [light chuckle]

Why don't you go shopping with Firmus?

Oh, that-- that would be hairy.

Nice horn...

Oh...

[humming]

[soldier] Slave!

Slave?

[continues humming]

-Slave! -Oh, sorry.

-Keep forgetting. -[soldier] Job for you, kitchen.

Oh, brill.

[resumes humming]

[bucket clanks]

[tribal music]

[indistinct background chatter]

[laughing]

-[pops] -[men] Yeah! [laugh]

[urinating]

[laughter and indistinct chattering]

Bloody Celts.

[indistinct dialogue]

[relaxing, mystical music]

[spits]

Oh, Firmus...

Why do I feel so happy?

Because, eh...

you know tonight you get some.

Yes.

Yes, probably.

[Firmus] You are hot.

Like a candle.

And you know that after dinner I will pleasure you

in a thousand ways.

And leave your body like a pool of melted wax.

Oh, Firmus...

...I do believe you're flirting.

Let's go in.

[music fades]

-[ominous music] -Do you need a lawyer?

[grunts] No? Good. Uh, I-- I'm not a lawyer.

I'm a-- a legal exec. That's why I'm out here and not in there.

[stuttering] But I know the law.

No win, no fee?

Permit?

[punch thuds]

[lawyer] I'm with her...

[overlapping dialogue]

[sword drawn]

-[sword clangs] -[soldier grunts]

And she's back.

[music fades lightly]

[grunting in background]

[metal clanking]

[music ends]

Noisy tonight.

[dramatic music]

[bones cracking]

So... it's true what they say about Roman men.

Yes,

we are the world's fastest undressers.

[swooshing]

[water sloshing]

[action music]

Head between your knees.

-[grunts] -[swords clang]

-[moaning] -[gentle music]

[Dwyfuc] Oh, yes!

[moaning] Oh,, yes! Oh, my God!

Yes!

Actually, just a touch less left hand.

Oh, holy brit-tits!

-[action music] -[kick thuds]

-[music fades] -[lawyer] She's my client!

[dramatic music]

This part here...

-...it reminds me of a harbor... -Oh...

...in the way it is shaped.

-[moans] -You, eh--

You have such things in Britain?

-[Dwyfuc] Yes, we do. -[Firmus] You do?

And where would such harbors be?

A deep one. Where a sailor might...

...unload his little boat.

Y-- Yeah, keep talking like that.

With the actions.

Yeah. There's-- there's on in...

-Yes. There's one in. -[moaning] Yes, there's--

One in-- [moans] Yes!

[Firmus] Yes! Yes!

[moaning] Yes! Yes!

In Dale! In Dale! [moans]

There's one in Dale!

And where is Dale?

It's just between Sandwich and Rams...

...gate

Right, my turn. Roll over.

-[punch thuds] -[action music]

[swords clanging]

[soldier grunts]

-[kicks thud] -Pig? Pig?

Thanks.

[screams]

[body thuds]

Bad door.

[sighs]

[music continues]

I think we could claim for this.

[footsteps approaching]

[music ends]

-[prisoners groaning] -Cold? I am too.

Tired? I am too.

Whole wheat? Good choice.

[groaning continues]

[lock rattles]

It's the slave!

-[screams] -Pig!

[tray thuds]

Oh.

Yes.

Please don't hit me.

Oh!

Okay.

Was that you upstairs?

You left quite a mess, you know, on the mosaicry.

I wonder if you might get me out of this.

I can't. It's off my remit.

I'm strictly cleaning and errands.

I like being a slave.

Got parameters and a sense of belonging.

And I've had something called a bath.

See this is the invidious nature of the slave system.

The individual feels gratitude

towards the oppressive for removing

the inherent conflicts of the liberated self.

Though this could take about 2000 years to work through.

[sighs] Try a slap.

I'm cured.

[cries]

What's the matter now?

I mean, what's the point of it all, you know?

And what are we all ultimately doing here anyway?

Uh, we're here to save Dwyfuc.

-Who is? -[sighs] We are.

-Both of us? -Yes.

[keys jingle]

[water trickling]

So it is true what they say about British women.

-Gravy on everything. -Hmm.

Such mysterious people.

I have never before made a love like that.

Stopping only on the hour,

-every hour for meals. -[Dwyfuck blowing kisses]

Ha. Yes, and it was the most fortunate timing,

Caesar. We have at just this moment

secured the intelligence, Your Excellency

-has been desiring. -Ah! A harbor, at last!

You've done well, Rhinus.

We invade Britain tomorrow.

[dramatic music]

Let's rescue the cow and get home.

No!

Basta,I cannot bear it!

By the Gods, how could I?

And to the only woman...

...who, in the act of love...

has made the tears run down my cheeks.

It's all the hair. It's going to be chafing.

No, no, no, you-- you do not understand.

Tomorrow I rejoin my legion.

-We invade your country. -[slight moaning]

I only make love to you so you reveal a harbor for our ships.

That is why all of the moves,

all of the...

business downstairs.

My, at times, almost unnatural withholding of personal release.

Now that's a relief. I thought you had to blockage--

[dramatic music]

Reveal a harbor.

[water trickling]

You mean it was all a--

Even when you did... that trick with your...

[comical tinkling]

You faked my orgasm!

Well... I only wanted you for your seed.

And now I've got it so... Ha!

[stuttering] No, no, but I--

Uh, I-- I never...

[smacks lips]

Get out.

Get out!

[Dwyfuc crying]

Dwyfuc.

Pig?

-[gasps] Pig! -[music fades]

-[laughs] -Oh, Pig! Oh!

-[laughing] -Piggy, Piggy, Pig!

And look who I've brought, look. Look, it's--

it's Smirgut.

[water trickling]

Well, I rescued her... I don't have to talk to her.

Sorry, beg your pardon, it's just your accent.

-I can't quite-- -Will you stop it?

Dwyfuc...

...someone's told the Romans where they can land their boats.

What?

Well, what complete idiot did such a thing?

What a stupid, stupid,

silly-- kind of, sort of, slipped out,

did it, kind of silly, stupid thing?

[scoffs]

Oh, Dwyfuc.

I'm afraid I've been rather a silly Sue.

We've got to get back and warn the tribe.

Yes, we've got to get back on warn the tribe--

Yeah, we've got to get back and-- No, no, no, you go.

No, I'm not going. I don't want to.

I-- I'm very important here.

They've named a cake after me!

and a washing-up utensil.

I-- I've got a mural. I need to be here. I need to--

Oh, my Gods.

She's fallen in love.

No, I haven't. How...

-[door opens] -...ridiculous.

[door closes]

[gasps] Lofacta, my friend!

This is Lofacta, my best friend.

It's my sister's Pig, the Runt.

-How do you do? Oh, yes. -[kissing]

Nice to meet you.

[Dwyfuc] And Smirgut.

I don't know how many...

The Fierce.

You've got great breasts. [light chuckle]

Gaullish women in general have, I mean.

I haven't. [awkward chuckle]

[gasps] Oh, I was telling them about my mural.

Oh, you have not seen?

-No. -Come, come, come.

-[Worthaboutapig] Oh, wow! -It's me,

-being captured. -[Worthaboutapig] So real.

And-- and there's me

entertaining the rich and famous.

And look, it's me having coitus.

But even you, Dwyfuc, have not seen the final one.

[dramatic music]

Yes!

Now you have betrayed your country

and the Romans have what they want.

They're going to execute you.

I thought you liked me.

Liked you?

"Oh, I can eat anything, me.

I don't get fat." I hope you die slowly,

you bitch.

I want to go home.

[kick thuds]

Well, come on!

[music ends]

[squelch]

-[squelch] -[Smirgut] Wait, someone's coming.

What are you doing?

Bit of tarnish.

Hey... over here.

Have him... torn to pieces by...

...oh, an unpleasant animal.

-Who's next? -Ah--

The Scythians. [claps]

-Rhinus. -Mmm?

Have you been shaving your legs?

Absolutely not, Caesar.

-Oh! -Oh, hen!

We were just saying whatever

happened to that lovely lassie.

You know, it's so rare to meet a southerner who isn't a

-complete wack. -[thud]

[thud]

Why do they do it?

No one knows.

No one speaks Scythian.

Who's next?

Pictish ambassadors.

Ah, at last some real business.

[dragging feet]

Crassus,

I think we have another act for your games.

Oh.

You are the Pictish ambassadors, hmm?

[in Scottish accent] Oh! Absolutely!

Perhaps you'd like to perform for us...

...the famous Pictish dance...

...of the fish.

Just try and stop us.

Aye, aye, the dance, the fish.

Y-- ♪ The fish, the fish The terrible fish ♪

♪ The fish, the fish It's a terrible fish ♪

♪ With a cloudy eye ♪

♪ With a cloudy eye I'll make ya ♪

-♪ Gag! Gag! ♪ -[Smirgut] ♪ Gag! Gag! ♪

♪ Oh, fish, fish, fish It goes with ♪

-♪ Carrots ♪ -♪ Aye ♪

♪ Landaded right on a puffin ♪

-[Smirgut] ♪ Puffin, puffin ♪ -♪ Right on a puffin ♪

-♪ Right on a puffin ♪ -♪ Puffin ♪

[clapping and stuttering]

♪ Would you like a Fish Caesar ♪

So...

You want a treaty against the British?

Ugh, I say, we abhor them.

Psst.

Em, excuse me for a minute, will you?

What are you saying exactly?

Picts regard themselves as British.

Oh, fuck it.

[action music]

One. Two. Where is the third one?

"Lessthanapig"?

Oh, no, no. W-- Worthaboutapig.

Never-- never less. She's-- she's quite

touchy about that, actually.

Yeah, that really upsets her, that does.

I care.

-Where is she? -[stuttering] She's just coming.

[horror music]

[crowd cheering]

[indistinct conversation]

Okay, great [indistinct]

[trumpets playing]

[crowd chanting] Hail Caesar!

We have brought the British women forward in the program,

Generalissimo so that you can make the morning time.

Hm.

-[chanting stops] -[indistinct background chatter]

You're growing a beard.

No.

[drums rolling]

[metal clanking]

[hoofbeats]

[trumpets playing]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd chanting]

[cheering]

[crowd chanting]

Now that is a Goth.

[cheering]

What scheissholeis this?

-It's not even finished. -Boulogne,

Your Viciousness.

Who are they?

British. Oh, cruel, but technical one.

For the benefit of Caesar.

I think he saw me.

To celebrate Caesar's invasion of their country.

And to warm your magnificent muscles.

There's something odd about them.

-They're women. -Ah, so those are women.

Hmm. I've seen women before.

I like it. Give them swords!

[groans slightly]

[sword swooshes]

I must warn you.

I'm a fully-trained Dubonni warrior queen,

skilled in over a dozen martial arts.

-[sword swooshes] -[screams]

[sighs]

I can kill a man in...

...17 different ways!

[grunts]

Eighteen if you include cooking!

Right, you faint and I'll do him.

I agree, but the other way round.

No, no, I have to deliver the first blow.

-I can't explain now. -[Dwyfuc] Ugh, got to be first,

haven't you, chippy, chippy middle child?

-Me, chippy? -[sighs]

Now you're going to cause a scene in front

-of the German. -I'm not causing a scene.

"I'm not causing a scene."

-Oh, shut up. -Yeah, after you shut up.

So I can be first when it comes to shutting up then,

-can I? -[sighs]

[thud]

-[Dwyfuck groans] -[crowd cheers and claps]

[crowd stomping rythmically]

[crowd cheering]

-[sword slices] -[crowd cheers]

I feel good.

Very loose.

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Okey-dokey. That's lunch!

-[melancholic music] -[Dwyfuc crying]

[Dwyfuc] All my fault.

Don't.

[sighs]

I was always so horrible to her.

I wasn't even horrible to her.

I wish I had been more horrible to her.

Laughed at her a bit more.

[crowd cheering in background]

[sighs] It's too late.

She's gone.

Oh, if only there were Gods to help us.

If only they were real.

Not just a primitive society projecting

its own moral system on an

unknowable cosmos in order to justify--

-[zapping sound] -Fucking hell!

[gasps] Who are you?

[sighs]

I, uh-- I look after your sister.

Only I've been, uh, a little remiss.

[sighs]

You wouldn't have such a thing as some--

some magic chicken innards on you, would you?

[mystical music]

Yeah.

Ah... Ah. [sniffs]

Hmm.

If these are what I think they are.

We may be in luck.

Stand back.

[sighs]

Disappointing.

Right.

Look.

[music continues]

[coughing]

[coughs] Sorry. Sorry about this.

-[coughs] Sorry. -[music stops]

Where does this go?

W-- The Other World.

[music continues]

Well, go! Quickly!

The invasion has already begun.

[sigh]

Panic attack.

Ooh.

Molt! Panic attack now!

Do you know what? I think this is one of these tunnels that goes

on, and on, and on, and on,

[voice fading] and on, and on, and on, and on...

[whimsical chimes]

Sisters!

You came!

Do excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Do excuse me.

Smigs!

Fiercy, fiercy! Grrr.

-[Dwyfuc] Hello. -Hello.

[smooching]

So this is your other world.

Yeah. It's everything I ever dreamed of.

[whimsical chimes]

We've come to take you back.

What?

Why?

Because... we love you!

Yeah...

I'm not coming and you can't make me.

Ah, but you must want to be rescued

-or we wouldn't be here. -What?

-Um. -[indistinct whispering]

Well, I've changed my mind. which...

...I can because it's my world.

Actually, that's an unanswerable argument.

Hmm. It is.

Grab her legs.

What?

[screaming]

[blows raspberry]

Didn't, made you look... [indistinct]

I see some steps. We're going up.

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, Gods. Oh, thank you, Gods.

Ah!

[panting]

Fresh air!

[crowd cheering]

It's them! Kill them!

[crowd] Kill them!

-Ah-- Oh... -Ah, bollocks.

[crowd yelling]

Call on your Gods, British!

[crowd cheering]

-[thud] -[crowd] Ooh!

Right in the heart.

Yes, normally, that would be fatal.

However,

I had my heart moved to the other side of the chest

to counter this. In the same operation,

I had my entire nervous system ripped out of my body,

so I'm not able to feel any pain...

...in the vital organs.

Your Gods?

I do little one first.

[crowd chanting]

Strange, I've killed you before, haven't I?

So many shows.

[speaks foreign language]

I think this time I will cut you in two,

like I would half a pig. [laughs]

What did you call me?

Hmm?

You called me...

...half a pig.

No, I said I would half you like a pig.

No, you didn't. You said, "I will cut you,

ha-ha-ha, half a pig."

No, I said "half", with an F. Not half a pig,

the adjectival clause, but half the active verb.

To half.

My name is Worthaboutapig.

We have covered this point, I think?

Say it.

[dramatic music]

-No. -[screams]

-[bones crack] -[groaning]

[sword clangs]

[groans slightly]

-[crunching] -[groaning]

-[crowd] Ooh! -[grunting]

-[groaning] -[crunching]

I can feel nothing!

[snapping sound]

-[grunts and spits] -[crowd] Ooh!

[soldier groaning]

I am officially weed off!

You know, just-- just because I'm unlucky,

and a coward, and have bad boobs and a face like a pie,

it's all right to always pick on me, is it?

My mother kept me in a bag of weevils till I was five.

Oh, he's not even listening.

[screaming] You're not even listening to me, are you?

Why does no one ever, ever listen to me!

You know my only frien is a goose

so disturbed he lays long eggs

and even then he'll only listen to me when I

tie his legs together.

[crowd applauding]

[indistinct dialogue]

[Dywfuc] Pig.

[groaning]

Nice work there, technically, wit-- with the teeth.

Are you okay there, little sis?

Yes. Yeah, I feel it, uh,

strangely liberated. I f-- I feel, eh...

I feel good.

Oh... Pi-- Pig...

[whispering] Time for the kick.

[Dwyfuc whispering] Yes.

Be careful, ragazzi.

They have the famous feet of thunder.

Always keep the eyes on the feet.

[Celtic music]

[thud]

-[thud] -[groans]

[thud]

[indistinct]

[panting] Right.

Run like fuck!

-[indistinct] -Cheers, cheers!

Which, um...

What are you doing?

Are you mad? We might never come back here.

[music continues]

That's really, really nice.

I think I'll have a pair, too. Nine's. Nine.

Oh. Is there anything a bit less strappy?

Shit.

That's the thing, these are actually mine!

Incredible, isn't it? It's this Gaullish burial ground.

Going home? Change money?

Come on!

[Worthaboutapig] I can't! I run like a girl!

[Dwyfuc] You are a girl.

-[Worthaboutapig] Oh. -[Dwyfuc] Yeehaw!

[all three screaming]

[goose honking]

-[Worthaboutapig] Ah, boy, stop. -[wind blowing]

[dramatic music]

[trumpets playing]

There must be thousands of them.

Ah, but how many are we?

Fifty. Including geese.

[shields clanking]

Fools! They have us surrounded.

They made the most elementary mistake in the art of war.

Or have I got that wrong?

[roman soldier] Halt!

-[roman soldier yelling orders] -[shields clanking]

[yelling continues]

You go that side, I'll go behind.

-Right. -If we don't see each other again...

...I'm sorry about the...

...you know, the-- the hate thing.

[Smirgut] Likewise.

[sobs]

-Right. -All right.

No prisoners.

[shields clanking]

[music continues]

Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda, Den-dallan, Gwenaach!

Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda, Den-dallan, Gwenaach!

[chuckling]

They come!

[stuttering] Banalla, Orlanna, Assilda...

-[bees buzzing] -[groaning]

-[shields clanking] -[trumpets playing]

Tribe, this is it!

Wait!

Look! There!

[harmonic yell]

Last one it's a Kent!

[yelling]

-[yelling] -Be careful, ma'am.

-[coughing] -You be careful, ma'am.

What's going on?

Their women.

They take us from behind.

Barbarians.

[horn blaring]

Who sound our retreat?

[horn blaring]

To the sea.

I never get to see the ladies fight.

-[thud] -[music continues]

-[metal clanking] -[grunting]

-[swords and shields clanking] -[indistinct yelling]

Hey, hey...!

Everybody relax! Hey, hey... Hey!

Caesar!

He piss off home!

-[all cheering] -[soldier laughs]

[indistinct]

-[laughter] -[indistinct dialogues]

[Worthaboutapig] Buzz off! Ow! Not there. Ow!

[heroic music]

[queen] Congratulations.

-Well done, lovely war. -[indistinct]

-Oh, you have but a big wound. -Only tame, Madam. Only tame.

Aww. Hello, well done. Lovely war.

Congratulations, I hear you got a--

Look, uh, Great Queen. Look, uh...

-Well done. Well done. -[stuttering] It's the--

The princess!

-Hmm? -Returned.

-How many times must I tell you -[music stops abruptly]

not to chase strangers?

[music resumes]

Smirgut.

Mommy!

My daughter!

[queen] Oh, joy!

[both groan]

Send for her family!

Break open the offal and fetch the one who imports the beer!

[all cheering]

My baby Smiry!

I actually brought her back, in fact, um,

and rescued Dwyfuc.

Oh, yeah.

I remember now.

That's what the argument was about.

[sniffles]

Oi, you lot!

What do you think you're doing with that prisoner?

And defeated Schlaffwaffe the Goth in single combat.

Won't mean much to you, but he's huge on the continent.

I told you before!

We do not torment the Romans!

We found him hiding in the woods. Uh,

reckon he's an asylum seeker.

Well, pass me that sickle!

Let's get his head on a stick while he's fresh.

[sighs]

[angelic music]

Firmus...

Be quick.

I shall use this one...

...for sperm.

Have him oiled.

Taken to the maypole...

...and tethered.

[bones crack]

I'm gonna have...

a baby.

[inhales deeply]

-[fire crackling] -[music fades]

Well, I'm back.

[gentle music]

Absolutely pooped! [chuckles]

[imitates tiredness and chuckles]

[speaks foreign language]

What?

Your tits.

-D-- Do you mind if I-- -Yes.

Not until you've, em, swept the floor.

And given me a big rub, and made the dinner.

Sure, baby. Sure.

[softly] Thank you.

-[footsteps shuffling] -[objects rattling]

[softly] Yes!

-[geese honking] -[Celtic music]

[music ends]