Original subtitles

Good evening.

This evening's play is about an elderly recluse who found a friend.

Just how good a friend I shall allow you to judge for yourselves.

I do not believe in usurping an audience's prerogative.

But before we have our play, it must be introduced.

This will be done not by me.

but by the three finalists in the Alfred Hitchcock Lookalike Contest.

The reason for my lack of enthusiasm for this contest will be apparent when I

tell you that I entered and was eliminated in the first round.

I couldn't make the wait.

I shall now turn you over to Miss White Leather, who is in charge of the finals.

And now for our first contestant.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the Alfred Hitchcock Hour. This evening we shall present a story,

but first a word from our... Sponsor.

Sponsor.

What's going on in there?

Who's there?

have to kill him gerald panic

and i'll break your arm now you calmly walked out to the

end of that path turn to the left i'll turn to the right i'll meet you back at

the place now once more please

I just love our nightly sing together.

Good evening, Officer Petrie.

Evening, Miss Emmy. Come and sing with us.

Sweet dreamy dreamland, where have my dreams

come true?

You have a very nice voice, young man. Doesn't he have a nice voice, Officer

Petrie?

Nice to have a nice voice.

Thank you.

Is that mine or yours?

It's mine.

I thought it was.

I don't ever remember having a bed like that.

Sit down.

Sit down.

The birds here just love my cookie crumbs.

They don't like the chocolate chips, though.

Now.

Dear, I just hate those things going off. They go off so often. I have to

protect my ears. They're very sensitive to sharp noises and cold.

Good night, Miss Emmy.

Is that fire, ambulance, or police?

It's a police siren, Miss Emmy.

Did he say goodbye?

Hmm.

Just thinking how awful it is that people are so mean to each other.

That's one thing. When you get to be 75, you see clearer than anything else how

mean people are to each other.

It's just awful.

I just shudder to think what's happened to the horses. Horses just seem to have

vanished from the face of the earth.

When I was a little girl, I had my...

I had the most adorable pony.

Oh, dear, now I've forgotten his name.

Oh, how awful.

Sunshine. Sunshine, that was his name.

What about Sunshine?

You were talking about your pony.

Oh, yes, I had a pony. His name was Sunshine.

I talk too much.

Forgive me.

My name is Gerald.

My name is Amy Rice.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Gerald.

Gerald. Yeah.

Do you mind if I write that down? I find that if I don't write things down, I

sometimes don't remember.

G... E-R-A-L-D.

G-E-L... Here, let me do it for you.

G-E...

Gerald. Gerald, that's right.

Thank you, Gerald, for sitting here listening to me. That was very nice of

you. I enjoyed it.

You did?

Well, that makes it nicer still.

Nobody ever listens to me much anymore.

It's nice for an old woman to get listened to.

Nobody ever comes to see me anymore. I'm almost always alone.

Almost never see a living soul.

I'll bet you are a very good cook.

What?

I haven't had a home-cooked meal in years. I'd love to.

What?

Well, have dinner with you.

At your place. It's awfully nice of you to ask me. I did?

Oh, yes.

Well, I happen to have in my freezing compartment some stew meat that I've

been saving for some something special.

Well, I'd love to. When?

You don't think I'm bold, asking a total stranger to dinner?

It's leap year, isn't it?

Oh, Jack.

Yes?

It's Mrs. Golding, Miss Emmy.

Miss Emmy, Mrs.

Jones from next door says you took a pot without asking her.

Oh, well, I knocked on the door to ask her, but she was out.

I'm having a caller. I don't have enough pans to cook for two. Where is she?

Well, she...

Knock on your door, Mrs. Jones, to ask you. I only need it for this evening.

I don't have a pan big enough to cook for two.

I bought a chicken, and that pot is the only one it'll fit in.

Miss Amy's got a dinner cooking. I'll loan you a pot.

All right.

But don't do it again, Miss Amy, please, unless you ask.

No.

Who is it?

It's Mrs.

Goldie, Miss Emmy.

Don't tell Mrs. Jones, but I stole two onions, too.

Now, the rent. You're here for the rent. Now, where did I put my purse?

Tomorrow,

Miss Emmy, the truck is coming by. Wouldn't you like to get rid of some of

these magazines?

And the Hanukkah bushes.

What? The Christmas trees.

No.

Miss Emmy, you've lost your touch with reality.

I have not.

I like seeing the years tacked up around me this way, that way. I know that all

these things that have been written about have happened. Makes them seem

more real.

Now, what?

Then a snake would have bit me.

Two dollars too much.

Oh, you must be more careful, Miss Emmy. Someone someday won't be as honest as I

am. That's right.

So, who's coming for dinner? My gentleman caller.

Someone I met in the park. Someone who looks so much like someone I used to

know. Can't remember where.

His name is, um... Gerald.

Continued on page three.

And the night watchman died on the way to the hospital and the murderer made

away with over $100,000.

You know, it's funny to make the headlines and not even get your picture

on the front page.

What are you thinking about?

You know, you've been thinking about something all day.

I just don't like it when you're thinking about something because you're

not paying any attention to me.

You're planning something, aren't you?

And why are you getting all dressed up anyway?

Are you going out?

Don't look like that.

You always look like that right before you hit me.

I don't have anything nice to wear, Gerald.

I don't even have a nice dress.

Won't you just let me spend some of the money and just buy something nice to

wear, please?

Nope.

If you start spending the money, it'll look suspicious.

The parole officer will jump on me like a tiger.

You gotta play it cool.

I'm not intending on going back after I got out for good behavior.

You promised me when we got married you'd buy me lots and lots of nice

things.

Gerald, stop that whistling!

Gerald, where are you going?

You told me you stole those things from me, Gerald. Don't you like me in here

tonight? There's only a can of tuna fish.

You are my sunshine.

My holy sunshine.

You make me happy.

Gerald.

You make me happy when stars are gray.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

You are my sunshine, only sunshine.

I wish Mrs. Goldie'd get an elevator.

These stairs scare me.

I'm always afraid I'm going to topple over. I get so dizzy.

Don't look back, Gerald.

I never look back.

And I always close my eyes.

Turn the fire on under the stew. Turn the fire on under the stew.

Turn the fire on under the stew. Turn the fire on under the stew. Turn the

fire on under the stew.

Gerald!

Gerald!

Here I am, Miss Emmy. Oh, dear.

I thought I'd lost you. I think you've left the gas on under the stove. Oh,

dear, now I'm getting too excited. Now calm down, calm down.

Glasses, glasses, glasses.

Well, now, if I were a wine glass, where would I be?

The hope chest.

I wondered where that carrot went.

What was I looking for?

Oh, of course.

Well, here they are.

Oh, but one of them's broken.

Oh. You have any adhesive tape?

Tape. Tape. Tape. Tape.

I'm always hiding things from myself. I never know where anything is. I could

have a thousand dollars in this room and never even know it.

I'm not as sharp as I used to be.

That stew smells good. I haven't had a home-cooked meal in years. Oh.

Roll that. And the end.

There we go. Oh.

Sorry.

There we are.

Let me have the mended one.

Oh.

To you.

Oh.

I'll have to sit down.

Makes you feel so warm.

There we go.

You'll have to feel, Gerald.

A very old lady. I've had such a busy day.

Besides cooking for you, I went to two splendid funerals. My energy isn't what

it used to be.

I'll close my eyes for a few minutes.

A little cat nap.

Just close my eyes ten minutes and I'll be fit to fiddle.

Oh, my goodness!

What is it? Oh, gracious! What's wrong? Oh, well, the stew!

What's wrong? Can't you smell it? No. It's burning on the bottom. Oh, my

goodness gracious.

Oh, well, it'll be all right.

Hey, you know, I didn't smell a thing.

Well, I can't see or hear as well as I used to, but my nose is still A number

one. Father used to tease me, said he could have made a fortune hiring me out

as a bloodhound to track down escaped convicts.

Come with the love like gleaming in your dear eyes

of blue.

Meet me in dreamland, sweet dreamy dreamland.

There let my dreams come true.

One more for you like this.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm playing with the money.

What good does it do us if we can't even spend it?

What good does it do us if we can't spend a penny?

Ow!

You almost burned my hair and it smells like chicken feathers.

What good does this money do us if we can't even...

We'll be able to spend it all very soon in a very unsuspicious way.

When? When?

I'm going to put it all in magazines.

In what?

Magazines.

And then it'll all be ours when she's dead.

on the front page anymore, Gerald.

There's just a little teeny-weeny mention on page seven.

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald?

Millie, you are beginning to get on my nerves.

All you ever do is read.

It is very important.

Why?

I don't know why it's so important.

Why? Huh?

Gerald?

Gerald?

Gerald? Let me finish this.

What is it?

Did I ever tell you about sunshine, the crabapple, and the time he bit my leg?

Yes, you did, Aunt Emmy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you forgot the meatloaf. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Now, Gerald.

Gerald. Oh, it's so good.

Stop it, dear.

I like it.

Put in.

Nothing.

Nothing? Yes, dear, nothing.

There you are. There you are.

Something I've been meaning to talk to you about, Aunt Emmy.

It's a tricky subject in a way.

Wondered where that night down went.

And what, Gerald?

Uh, what?

What you were saying.

Oh.

Oh, well, look, dear, you, um... You know I wouldn't hurt your feelings for

the Wooler. Now, you know that, don't you?

You're not going away, are you?

No. Oh, no, no.

Don't scare me that way, Gerald. That's the worst thing I can think of.

Nadia, it's not me I'm thinking about. It's you.

You'll be going away someday, you know.

Perhaps sooner than we know.

I never get to go anywhere, except to some funerals in certain areas I know

how to get to by streetcar.

There was a wonderful funeral in the West End yesterday, and I couldn't go

because I didn't know how to get there.

Ah, now that.

That is exactly what I am talking about.

The one funeral you won't miss.

Well, when that time comes, you won't need to worry about your old aunt, eh?

She'll be ready.

Anyway, it won't happen for a long time.

My mother was 95 and my father was 97.

And my grandfather was 106.

And I feel fine.

Yes, you've told me.

Well, now, that's all.

Let's have our coffee in the parlor. All right.

Bring the coffee, will you, Gerald?

Okay.

Coming up.

The only reason I bring this up is because I read this book the other day

about wills. Have you made one?

One what?

A will.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't have anything to will anybody to bother.

Oh, Aunt Emmy, that is just not true.

You have a lot of wonderful things.

Your Christmas trees, your linen, your lace, your china.

Look, you don't want Mrs. Goldie coming in here, do you, after you've gone just

taking everything, do you?

You think she would?

Well, if there's no will...

No next of kin.

What do you want, Gerald? You can have anything you want.

Oh, I didn't mean it that way, Aunt Emmy.

No, no, neither did I, but I want you to have whatever you want.

You think I brought it up so that your favorite nephew could inherit your

fortune, and that's just not nice, Aunt Emmy. No, not at all. Yes, you did.

Don't be mad, Gerald.

I haven't any fortune.

Papa lost everything in the crash, and Mama's last illness ate up the rest.

Wow. Do you know what a recluse is?

No. Somebody very eccentric.

Stashes away millions and millions of dollars all over the place.

Not me, Gerald.

I never even saw a million dollars.

All I have is a few little shares of Allied Gas Corporation and some

Colorado uranium.

They send me money.

Every once in a while. It's what I live on. That and my social security.

I'm not a reckless.

No, no, no, no, no, Aunt Emmy. Now, there should be some provision that

these stocks can go to whomever you want them to.

To you, Gerald.

I don't want your stocks.

Oh, look, dear. All I want is some little token.

Oh, some...

Little memento of the happy hours we've spent together. That's all I want.

Papa's watch.

I'll write your name on it on the back and I'll be safe.

No, dear, no. Look, there has to be a will.

Well, I can't afford a lawyer.

Come along. You just come with me and sit down.

Right here.

I have read this law book about wills.

And I've decided that somebody ought to draw up a proper one for you.

Oh, Gerald, how nice.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh, do you think we can round up a couple of witnesses in the house?

What, Mrs. Gold and Miss Jones?

Oh, that's fine.

Pop always used to manage my affairs. Nice to have a man around again to

advise me. Oh, boy, you sure need one. I tell you, you stand to lose everything.

Now,

I, Emmy Rice, being of sound mind, give, devise, and bequeath.

All my property, whether real, personal, or mixed, wheresoever located, to...

Tell me, what's the name of your church?

Oh, I go to St.

Andrews. St. Andrews, that's fine.

St.

Andrews. Oh, Gerald, that's nice.

Now, paragraph two. There are only two paragraphs.

Now, I'll fill in these details if they're okay with you.

The sole exception to the foregoing is that I give...

devise and bequeath to my dear friend, Gerald Musgrove, the following.

The solid gold watch

which belonged to

Papa. And all

the cash monies found within my room.

Whatever sum that may be.

That's just in case you are a reckless.

Put down the stock, Gerald.

All you're going to get is the watch.

No, no, no. I don't want your stock, Aunt Amy. All I want is the watch. And

the money.

There isn't any money.

No, no, no. I don't want that either.

Not for a long, long time.

I'd much rather have my sweet, dear little Aunt Emmy among the living,

cooking down in my socks.

My mother was 97, and my father was 95, and my grandmother,

106. No, Aunt Emmy.

Your mother was 95, your father was 97, and your grandfather, not

mother, was 106.

And you feel just fine.

Oh, yes.

Now, if you'll just round up those witnesses, our will will be valid.

Well, I'll go get Miss Jones and Miss Goldie right away.

Fine. Oh, be careful.

I don't want you falling down those stairs.

Yet. What did you say, Gerald?

Nothing, Aunt Emmy.

Meet me tonight in dreamland The

introduction

of the station break is far too important a task to be delegated to one

of the contestants in the look-alike contest.

All the umbrellas just made the funeral seem more funeral, Gerald.

Oh, I just love funerals, particularly in the rain.

But that is a saucy hat.

You do like deviled eggs, don't you, Gerald?

Yes, Aunt Annie.

Mrs. Goldie and Mrs. Jones have been ripping me since I made out a will,

Gerald. Mrs. Jones says I'm on a high horse. Anybody as poor as a church mouse

making out a will.

Gerald?

Yes, Aunt Annie?

Oh, dear.

I just want to make sure I hadn't lost you.

I want to be sure I hadn't made you up.

Oh, picnics aren't picnics without deviled eggs.

And ants.

Oh, dear, I just love those little things with their little legs coming

carrying things away.

Do you think we will, Gerald?

What? Get some real ants in the country today.

For you, Aunt Emmy, anything.

You about ready?

Goodness, I haven't been in the country since...

Oh, goodness gracious, I can't remember when.

I'd even forgotten there was one.

Ready?

Yeah.

Well, yes.

Yes!

Actually, I've been ready since 7 o'clock this morning. I was so excited I

couldn't sleep.

You know what you need are some sleeping pills. I can get you some. No, I enjoyed

the excitement. I'll catnap or two in the country.

All right, let's go. All right. Now you take the hamper and I'll take the

umbrella. And then I'll lock up.

Gerald, you know, I went to the most wonderful funeral yesterday in the rain.

There were all these people in black looking like blackbirds carrying

umbrellas. You lock up. I'll take the bag.

What's wrong?

I made the mistake of looking down.

Don't move.

I'll be right there.

Dizzy.

I'll be all right. It'll pass.

I forgot the salt.

Gerald! Gerald! I slipped on the steps!

Oh, Gerald!

Gerald! So what's happening? Oh, Gerald!

You all right?

Oh, Gerald!

Gerald!

Are you all right?

I broke every bone in my body. Oh, don't say that.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm all right. Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, thank goodness you're young.

A fall like that would have killed someone like me.

Gerald, fall down. Go.

That's enough.

No, just a little tiny place right down here. Ow! Stop it!

No stupid.

It's traceable. Somebody has to buy it.

Then why don't you just shoot it?

Oh, wonderful.

That is just wonderful.

You want me to be serious?

Well, there is over $100,000 in her room.

How old is she?

75.

Now it has to appear that old age, old man time, has finally caught up with

her.

Finally caught up with her.

Oh, it sounds simple.

You... get dressed.

I think it's time you finally met our Aunt Emmy.

And love with you.

Let me hear you whisper that you

love me true.

Keep that love, Gerald.

It's me.

Aunt Emmy, this is my cousin Mildred. She's heard me raving about you so much

she wanted to meet you.

I hope you don't mind. Hello, Aunt Emmy.

I'm not your aunt.

Well, you're not my aunt either, you know. But I've known you longer, Gerald.

Aren't you going to invite us in?

Oh, yeah.

I brought you these

tulips tonight, Aunt Emmy.

And another bottle of this.

Thank you, Gerald. You're always so good to me.

Aren't your tulips pretty, Aunt Emmy?

I only have a tiny chicken, Gerald, not enough for three.

Oh, well, Millie eats like a bird, so you don't have to worry. Only one potato

to mash and only two of those glasses.

I'll drink out of a coffee cup.

Aunt Emmy, you mustn't be mad at me now for bringing her.

She's a very lonely girl. She has no friends, no family.

I've been telling her how sweet and charming and wonderful you are. What

fun. And I'm not at all disappointed.

You're everything he said, and more.

I don't want to know the truth.

I'm jealous.

You're jealous?

Of my cousin?

Your cousin?

I told you.

Oh, dear.

Oh, well, in that case, you can have the glass, and I'll drink out of the coffee

cup.

And Emmy.

Hmm? And Emmy, you better wake up if you want to go for your walk.

How long have I been asleep?

About ten minutes.

Oh.

What walk?

Remember you said you wanted to go for a walk on the street and do some window

shopping?

Oh, yes.

Well, that would be nice.

I ought to come over here someday and browse again.

Oh, dear, oh, I just hate those sirens.

Oh, and I've forgotten my earmuffs.

Well, look, Aunt Emmy, you see, I remembered to bring them for you. Oh,

Gerald, what would I do without you?

Oh, dear, just too many people. Too many people everywhere. Just too many

everywhere.

Oh, oh, look, Gerald.

Why, they're stuck.

I thought they were real.

Gerald?

Gerald? Here we are.

Heartbeat's a bit fast, but normal.

I think, though, that leg is broken.

Poor Aunt Annie.

Gerald.

I'm here. I'm here, dear.

Right here.

Oh, goodness.

No, no, no. You're just going to go to sleep.

That's right. Come on. Oh, Gerald.

Gerald, don't leave me. Oh, I won't. Don't leave me, please. I promise you.

Here.

Put your carrots in too early.

Potatoes, too. They're all cooked up too much.

Oh, dear, this is awful. I can't eat that.

Millie's not the cook you are, Aunt Emmy.

She's no cook at all.

There's more to cooking than putting things in a pot.

This is poison.

Give it to me.

Just put me some cottage cheese in a plate.

Gerald.

Gerald. Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

Gerald.

I don't like your cousin at all.

She's first, not a nice girl.

And third, she doesn't know how to do anything.

Did you see how she peeled my potatoes?

Peeling them for half an inch thick.

That's wasteful. She wastes too much.

Here's your pill, Aunt Annie.

I'm not her aunt.

Here, I'm onto you. Take your pill.

That's a good girl.

There we are.

She doesn't like me either.

That's one vibration I've always been able to feel, the vibration of not being

liked.

Oh, no, no. Now, Aunt Annie, she just adores you.

That's just nonsense. Come on, now.

Oh, look at Aunt Emmy.

Going to sleep.

Copping out on me.

I've been feeling awfully drowsy lately, Gerald.

Not up to snuff.

You're still mad about your cousin, Millie.

Oh, Millie, you've just simply got to be nice to her.

Give me the last chance we get.

Give me the scooter.

One thing I cannot stand is waste. I haven't liked her since the minute she

set her feet in this door. You should see the way she peels potatoes.

She's been at it several days, wasting my gas, trying to run up my bill.

Tell Mrs. Goldie I hope she's satisfied about my magazines.

Yes, ma'am.

As if my bill wasn't high enough already with all the cooking I've been doing for

them. Gerald tried to stop her.

Flagrant waste is a terrible sin.

I'm a stockholder now, I guess, and I don't approve of wasting our commodity.

And the worst of it is it's making me sick.

You have a phone around here.

Oh, there's one in the hall.

Is it fixed now so I can fix dinner tonight?

I've got a nice roast.

It's fixed.

Give me the police, please.

Who is it?

It's us.

Come in.

Is this the girl?

Yes, that's the one turning on the gas.

I'm sorry, Gerald. I told you she didn't like me.

Why didn't you stop her, Gerald?

Gassing an old woman?

That's what the gas man said she was doing.

Annemie, I just don't know what you're talking about. It wasn't my idea. It was

Gerald's idea.

Why don't you shut up? I don't believe that. That's not true.

Oh, no? Then who had you make out a will, Annemie? I thought I told you to

shut up. Hold it.

I think we'd better go down to the station and have a little talk. The

magazines, where are the magazines?

Why?

Where are the magazines?

The collector came and took them away.

Where?

What collector? Where?

Don't, don't, don't yell, Gerald, don't. Where?

Mrs. Goldie said that they were dust catchers and that I was losing my touch

with reality, gathering old magazines and Christmas trees. So when the

collector came today, I told him, take them away.

Well... No, Gerald, please. Please don't yell.

Shut up! All right, let's go.

It's not Gerald's fault. It's all his.

Oh, Gerald, Gerald, don't be mad with me. I'll cut you out of my will.

Drop dead.

One. One thousand.

must remember to defrost.

Now

you

see how the term cold cash originated.

Unfortunately for our intrepid heroine, she was arrested the next day at a bank

where she attempted to deposit her frozen assets.

Miss Emmy now resides in a prison for senior citizens where she is on the

Mahjong team.

As for the Alfred Hitchcock look-alike contest, all of your votes are in, and

the results are surprising, but we shall abide by them nevertheless.

Here, then, is the winner who will close my part of the program.

And so until next week, good night.