Original subtitles

Man: THIS IS WASHINGTON, D.C.

SOMEWHERE IN THIS CITY IS THE HEADQUARTERS

OF A TOP SECRET ORGANIZATION KNOWN AS CONTROL.

ITS BUSINESS IS COUNTERESPIONAGE.

THIS IS SYMPHONY HALL IN WASHINGTON.

SOMEWHERE IN THIS AUDIENCE IS

ONE OF CONTROL'S TOP EMPLOYEES,

A MAN WHO LIVES A LIFE OF DANGER AND INTRIGUE,

A MAN WHO'S BEEN CAREFULLY TRAINED

NEVER TO DISCLOSE THE FACT THAT HE IS A SECRET AGENT.

( phone ringing )

( phone continues ringing )

THIS IS SMART:

MAXWELL SMART, AGENT 86.

HELLO, CHIEF? MAX.WHAT'S UP?

KAOS, EH?

YES, SIR. I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

UH, I MAY BE A FEW MINUTES LATE, CHIEF.

( tires screeching )

( theme music playing )

- HELLO, MAX. - HI, CHIEF.

( dings )

- GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. - GOOD TO SEE YOU, CHIEF.

WELL, CHIEF, WHAT'S ALL THE EXCITEMENT ABOUT?

MAX, THIS IS A BIG ONE.

THE FATE OF OUR ENTIRE NATION MAY DEPEND ON IT.

AS YOU KNOW, HERE AT CONTROL

IT'S POLICY TO ASSIGN CASES IN ROTATION.

WELL, IT'S YOUR TURN AT BAT.

RIGHT.

OH, I'M SORRY. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, SIR.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M RARING TO GO.

MAX, LET ME GIVE YOU A QUICK BRIEFING.

FIRST OF ALL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

I BELIEVE IT'S A PHOTOGRAPH.

IT'S A MACHINE CALLED THE INTHERMO,

AND IT'S CAPABLE OF CONVERTING HEAT WAVES

INTO IMMENSE DESTRUCTIVE POWER.

NOW, MAX, IT'S BEEN STOLEN

AND ITS INVENTOR, PROFESSOR HUGO DANTE,

KIDNAPPED FROM HIS LONG ISLAND LABORATORY.

SOUNDS LIKE THE KAOS ORGANIZATION

- IS BACK IN ACTION, CHIEF. - RIGHT.

AND THEIR MR. BIG, WHOEVER HE IS,

HAS BROADCAST A DEMAND FOR $100 MILLION RANSOM

OR HE'LL USE THE INTHERMO AGAINST OUR CITIES.

MR. BIG MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE HE GOES ANY FURTHER

- AND, MAX, IT SEEMS TO ME-- - JUST A MINUTE, CHIEF.

- ISN'T THIS TOP SECURITY? - YES.

WELL, SHOULDN'T WE ACTIVATE THE CONE OF SILENCE?

THE CONE OF SILENCE?

- YES. - ALL RIGHT, MAX.

- HODGKINS. - Yes, sir.

ACTIVATE THE CONE OF SILENCE.

The cone of silence?

( whirring )

FIRST OF ALL, HOW MUCH--

HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW ABOUT KAOS?

WHAT DID YOU SAY, SIR?

- KAOS. - WHAT?

( shouts ) KAOS.

OH, KAOS. YES, OF COURSE.

WELL THAT'S AN INTERNATIONAL CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION

THAT WAS FOUNDED...

OH, I THINK, IN 1957.

HOW'S THAT?

- '57. - WHAT?

( shouts) '57!

AGENT 57 IS IN HONG KONG.

- WHAT? - HONG KONG.

WHAT ABOUT HONG KONG?

WHAT?

HONG KONG!

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HONG KONG?

- WHAT? - HONG--

HODGKINS,

RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE.

- What? - RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE!

( whirring )

PERHAPS WE COULD JUST TALK SOFTLY, SIR.

MAX, LET'S GET YOU SET UP WITH SOME SPECIAL EQUIPMENT.

WOULD YOU PLEASE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'LL NEED?

WELL, CHIEF, THIS LOOKS LIKE A HEAVY CASE,

BUT I THINK I'LL JUST TAKE THE BARE NECESSITIES--

MY BINO-SPECS,

MY LOCKER KEY

AND MY BERETTA.

MAX, TAKE THE INFLATO-COAT WITH YOU.

OH, CHIEF, IT'S THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER.

BESIDES, THAT'S NOT EVEN MY SIZE.

HODGKINS WILL ISSUE ONE IN YOUR SIZE.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE ONE WITH YOU.

WELL, OKAY, CHIEF, IF YOU SAY SO.

ANYTHING ELSE?

WELL, I THINK I'D LIKE TO TAKE K-13 WITH ME ON THIS ONE.

WE'VE WORKED TOGETHER BEFORE

AND HE'S PROVED USEFUL.

HODGKINS, SEND IN K-13.

Yes, sir.

DOWN, BOY. HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU, BOY? WELL, ARE YOU READY FOR ANOTHER ONE?

THIS MAY BE A TOUGH ONE, FELLA.

THINK WE CAN HANDLE IT?

NOW REMEMBER, WE'RE DEALING WITH KAOS

AND IF WE FALL INTO THEIR HANDS, THEY'LL SHOW US NO MERCY.

YOU THINK WE CAN FACE EXCRUCIATING TORTURE?

( barks )

- AGENT 99 WILL MEET YOU AT THE AIRPORT. - GOOD.

UH, HOW WILL I KNOW 99, CHIEF?

99 WILL FIND YOU. USE THE FOLLOWING PHRASE:

"NEW YORK METS WIN DOUBLE-HEADER."

HEY, I LIKE THAT.

NEW YORK METS WIN DOUBLE-HEADER.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

86, YOUR MISSION IS SIMPLE--

FIND KAOS AND DESTROY IT,

GET MR. BIG, RESCUE PROFESSOR DANTE

AND BRING BACK THE INTHERMO.

THIS MAY RUN INTO A LITTLE OVERTIME, CHIEF.

MAX, YOU REALIZE YOU'LL BE FACING

EVERY KIND OF DANGER IMAGINABLE.

AND...

LOVING IT.

YES.

( dings )

MAX, WE'RE TRAINED

NOT TO HAVE ANY PERSONAL FEELINGS,

BUT I THINK YOU KNOW THAT IF I HAD ANY CHILDREN,

I'D LIKE THEM TO BE LIKE YOU AND FANG.

THANK YOU, CHIEF.

GOOD HUNTING, MAX,

AND REMEMBER THE CODE:

"NEW YORK METS WIN DOUBLE-HEADER."

THAT I'D LIKE TO SEE.

Man over P.A.: Flight 92, Transcontinental Airlines,

now departing gate 7.

SIT, BOY, SIT.

COME ON, SIT, SIT.

GOOD BOY.

STAY HERE.

( man continues announcing over P.A. )

Boy: "NEW YORK METS WIN DOUBLE-HEADER"!

YOU WAIT HERE. MOTHER WILL GO CHECK ON OUR TICKETS.

OKAY.

NEW YORK METS WIN DOUBLE-HEADER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ANY NEW DEVELOPMENTS FROM KAOS?

WHAT ABOUT DANTE AND THE INTHERMO?

ARE YOU 99?

NO, I'M SIX AND A HALF.

Woman: NEW YORK METS WIN DOUBLE-HEADER.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE SCORE WAS 99 TO 86.

- ARE YOU 99? - UH-HUH.

- 86? - YES.

I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO GET RIGHT OUT

- TO PROFESSOR DANTE'S LABORATORY AT CRAVEHAVEN. - GOOD.

I SPOKE TO ZELINKA. THAT'S HIS ASSISTANT.

- SHE'S EXPECTING US. - EXCELLENT.

I HAVE A CAR OUTSIDE. FOLLOW ME.

HOLD IT.

I THINK I'M BEING FOLLOWED.

THERE'S A MAN RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

- UH-HUH.WHERE? - DON'T TURN AROUND,

BUT YOU CAN SEE HIM THROUGH MY MIRRORED CUFFLINKS.

UH-HUH.

WHO'S HE?

PROBABLY A RECEPTION COMMITTEE FROM KAOS.

YOU WAIT HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? - I'M GONNA USE MY LOCKER KEY.

- 34? - YES, 86.

MAN BEHIND ME--

GUN UNDER HIS RAINCOAT. PROBABLY KAOS AGENT.

PUT PLAN Y-14 INTO EFFECT.

99 AND I WILL ACT AS DECOYS.

- ALL RIGHT? - ALL RIGHT.

THE PLAN IS Y-14.

- LET'S GO. - RIGHT.

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST EXPERIMENTAL LABORATORIES IN THE WORLD.

WE HAVE ALL THE FINEST EQUIPMENT.

OH, TRY IT AGAIN AT 700 CCMs.

SAY, ISN'T THIS THE INTHERMO?

OH NO, THAT'S ONLY A DUMMY MODEL

OF THE STOLEN INTHERMO,

BUT IT CAN BE USED TO DEMONSTRATE

HOW THE BASIC PRINCIPLE

OF THERMAL CONCENTRICITY HOLDS TRUE.

ACTUALLY, THE DYNAMICS OF THE CATALYTIC PHENOMENA

IS EXPRESSED IN DIRECT RATIO TO ITS INITIAL MOLECULAR CONCLUSION.

YES, WELL, PERHAPS WE'D BETTER GET ON TO SOMETHING ELSE.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE

WHEN THE PROFESSOR WAS ABDUCTED.

IF YOU DON'T MIND, 99, I'D LIKE TO HANDLE THIS MYSELF.

RIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE

WHEN THE PROFESSOR DANTE WAS ABDUCTED.

YOU CAME OUTSIDE AND YOU SAW THEM STRUGGLING WITH PROFESSOR DANTE.

EXACTLY WHERE DID THAT TAKE PLACE?

THE CAR WAS OVER THERE BY THE BUSHES.

LOOK, HE'S FOUND SOMETHING.

COME HERE, FANG. COME HERE, BOY.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, BOY? COME HERE.

OH, IT'S ONLY AN OLD BANANA PEEL.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT TO ME? I'LL THROW IT AWAY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S FUNNY. IT'S MADE OF RUBBER.

HERE, LET ME SEE THAT.

A RUBBER BANANA PEEL.

HMM.

A RUBBER BANANA.

THAT'S STRANGE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRITTEN ON THIS.

"SOU STRET NOV."

WHAT COULD THAT MEAN?

"SOUTH...

STREET...

NOVELTY...

INC."

SOUTH STREET. THAT'S DOWN BY THE WATERFRONT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? THEY COULD HAVE VERY EASILY

HAVE DROPPED THIS WHEN THEY ABDUCTED THE PROFESSOR.

99, YOU'D BETTER GET THE CAR.

- I THINK WE SHOULD FOLLOW THIS UP. - RIGHT.

HMM...

YOU KNOW, THIS MAY BE OUR FIRST REAL LEAD.

BUT WHY A RUBBER BANANA?

THANK YOU, ZELINKA.

BUT WHY A RUBBER BANANA PEEL?

- ( Fang squeals ) - SORRY, FANG.

86, QUICK. KAOS IS BROADCASTING AGAIN.

Man: We will offer a practical demonstration

of the Inthermo's enormous power.

At 4:00 this afternoon in full view of downtown Manhattan

we will destroy a great public figure.

This is K.A.O.S., KAOS, singing off.

A GREAT PUBLIC FIGURE AT 4:00 THIS AFTERNOON.

- WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? - 2:20.

2:20.THAT GIVES US EXACTLY ONE HOUR AND 40 MINUTES

AND NOTHING TO GO ON BUT A RUBBER BANANA PEEL.

STEP ON IT. HERE, BOY.

( tires screech )

IT'S ALL SET. SMART'S ON HIS WAY UP.

MOVE INTO POSITION.

( foghorn whistles )

- YES? - I BELIEVE THIS IS

ONE OF YOUR RUBBER BANANA PEELS.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHEN IT WAS PURCHASED AND BY WHOM.

I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D MAKE IT SNAPPY.

WE'RE IN KIND OF A HURRY.

( foghorn whistles )

UH, THIS LOOKS LIKE IT.

YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

ON PAGE EIGHT.

WELL, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING HERE.

HERE.

WHERE?

HERE.

( high-pitched pulsating )

( barks )

( crackling )

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, 99? - UH-HUH.HOW ABOUT YOU?

YES, FORTUNATELY, FANG KNOCKED ME OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME.

PHEW.THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

YES, NOW WE'VE GOT EXACTLY...

10--

WHY, YOU'RE A GIRL.

YES.

( barks )

HE'S RIGHT.

YES, I SUPPOSE SO. WE'VE GOT EXACTLY 10 MINUTES

TO STOP THEM FROM USING THAT INTHERMO AGAIN.

THE BEAM MUST HAVE COME FROM SOMEWHERE OUT IN THE HARBOR.

BE CAREFUL.

YES, WELL, I DON'T SEEM TO SEE ANYTHING DOWN THERE.

THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE EXCEPT THAT OLD GARBAGE SCOW.

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT OLD SCOW.

( snaps finger ) I'VE GOT IT!SEAGULLS!

OH.BUT THERE ARE NO SEAGULLS.

EXACTLY. DID YOU EVER SEE AN OLD GARBAGE SCOW

WITHOUT SEAGULLS HOVERING OVER IT?

I'D BETTER TAKE A CLOSER LOOK.

( foghorn whistling )

OF COURSE, THAT IT!

RUBBER TRASH--

USING IT FOR CAMOUFLAGE.

PROFESSOR DANTE AND THE INTHERMO ARE ON THAT BOAT,

OR I'M NOT SMART.

99-- OH--

WE'VE GOTTA GET DOWN THERE, GRAB ONE OF THOSE DINGHIES

AND GET ONBOARD THAT BOAT BEFORE THEY USE

- THAT DARN THING AGAIN. COME ON. - RIGHT.

GOOD. THEY'RE BELOW DECK. KEEP LOW AND KEEP QUIET.

TOSS THE GUN OVERBOARD.

( splashes )

THE OLD GARBAGE TRICK, EH?

THAT'S THE SECOND TIME IT'S BEEN PULLED ON ME THIS YEAR.

MR. BIG WANTS TO SEE YOU.

SO YOU'RE MR. BIG.

SO YOU'RE MAXWELL SMART.

AT LAST WE MEET FACE-TO-FACE.

PLEASE MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE. ( snaps fingers )

WHAT AN UNEXPECTED AND DELIGHTFUL PLEASURE

TO HAVE THE ILLUSTRIOUS MAXWELL SMART AS MY GUEST.

WILL YOU HAVE A DRINK?

OH, UH, NO.

NO.PERHAPS A CIGARETTE?

( foghorn bellowing )

THOSE ARE TRULY MAGNIFICENT BLENDS

SPECIALLY IMPORTED FOR ME

FROM HEIDELBERG.

VERY GOOD.

I SEE THAT WHAT YOUR ORGANIZATION LACKS IN STRATEGY

MORE THAN MAKES UP IN LOVELINESS.

- THANK YOU. - TAKE THEM BELOW

AND MAKE THEM AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

I HAVE AN ALTERNATE PLAN.

- ZELINKA! - OF COURSE.

THAT EXPLAINS WHY IT WAS SO EASY FOR THEM TO KIDNAP THE PROFESSOR.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WISH TO SAY?

YOU'RE VERY CLEVER, MY CHARMING LITTLE FRIEND.

BUT NOT CLEVER ENOUGH.

YOU SEE, THE MOMENT I SUSPECTED

THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS OLD SCOW,

I IMMEDIATELY TELEPHONED HEADQUARTERS.

AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT AT THIS VERY MINUTE

SEVEN COASTGUARD CUTTERS ARE CONVERGING ON THIS BOAT.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? SEVEN.

I FIND THAT PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE SIX?

I DON'T THINK SO.

HOW ABOUT TWO COPS IN A ROWBOAT?

YOU'RE STALLING, MR. SMART.

TAKE THEM BELOW.

NO!

ALL RIGHT, SMART, GET YOUR HANDS UP.

UP!

THAT'LL HOLD YOU.

- ARE THEY GONE? - RIGHT.

WELL, CHIEF WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE INFLATO-COAT.

NOW, THEY'VE GOT PROFESSOR DANTE TIED UP IN THE OTHER ROOM.

- SO HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO-- - ( machine whirring )

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S THAT?

THEY MUST BE WARMING UP THE INTHERMO.

- SO THAT'S THEIR TARGET! - WHAT?

MISS LIBERTY HERSELF.

OKAY, 99, HERE'S THE PLAN.

I'LL UNTIE FANG AND RELEASE THE PROFESSOR.

YOU KNOCK OVER THE GUARD AND TAKE HIS GUN.

RIGHT. MAX!

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I'M SO GOOD AT KNOTS.

EXCELLENT. WE'RE RIGHT ON TARGET.

SMART'S ESCAPED!

- ( clicks ) - IT'S JAMMED.

OKAY, PROFESSOR, NOW LET'S DEACTIVATE THAT INTHERMO.

GET SMART, YOU FOOLS!

HELP! MAXWELL, HELP!

MAX, LOOK OUT!

DID YOU DEACTIVATE THE INTHERMO?

WELL, I COULDN'T DO IT. YOU SEE, THE NUCLEAR POWER WAS FROZEN.

I'VE GOT TO STOP THAT MADMAN.

NO NO NO NO.

WHEN I COULD NOT DEACTIVATE IT,

I REVERSED IT TO SELF-DESTRUCTION,

SO WHEN THE MAN WOULD PRESS THE BUTTON,

THIS SHIP WOULD BECOME ONE BIG BLAZING INFERNO!

AH!THAT'S WHAT I MEANT TO CALL IT--

DANTE'S INFERNO!

- CAN YOU SWIM, PROFESSOR? - NO,

BUT I AM FAMILIAR WITH ARCHIMEDES' PRINCIPLE OF DISPLACEMENT OF WATER

IN WHICH--

COME ON, FANG!

WELL, THAT'S THE END OF MR. BIG.

IF ONLY HE COULD HAVE TURNED HIS EVIL GENIUS

INTO... NICENESS.

WELL, I'D BETTER LET THE CHIEF KNOW.

SMART HERE,

MAXWELL SMART.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

PROFESSOR DANTE RESCUED, KAOS DESTROYED.

AND I TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN SAYING

THAT THE FORCES OF EVIL HAVE ONCE AGAIN BEEN FOILED

IN THEIR ATTEMPT TO EXTINGUISH THE TORCH OF LIBERTY.

WHAT?

OH, SORRY.

WRONG NUMBER.

( theme music playing )