Original subtitles

It's over.

We know who you are.

Your allies are all dead.

You failed.

I've already proven to you that I can defy death.

I'm just going to bring her back.

And when I do, my Ms. Mead will stand by me as we watch you die.

You can certainly go to hell, but you won't find her there.

What have you done?

Her soul is hidden by a spell only I can break.

You'll never see her again.

You're alone.

I'm never alone.

I have my father. Where is he now?

Why did he let this happen?

You don't have to follow this path your father laid out for you.

You can write your own destiny.

You can still turn away.

There's humanity in you.

I see it.

Maybe we can find it.

Together.

Somehow... ...someday I am going to bring her back.

And then I'm gonna kill every last one of you.

Good.

I'm not going any further.

Father, tell me what to do, and I'll do it.

I'm not leaving this circle until you talk to me.

They're gone.

The warlocks.

I'm his meat.

Burned alive at the stake by the witches.

until nothing was left but ash and smoke.

You tell me what to do,

or you let me die here.

Do you like a great Fanta?

Do you like a great Fanta?

No, I'm on a mission.

You're hungry.

You need nourishment. Take an apple. It's so juicy.

It's so juicy.

I have to talk to my father.

You don't have to do anything.

All are welcome.

Come to the light. Leave me alone.

You left me to die. Why you do this to me?

You left me to die. To burn. To burn.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

You're not real.

None of this is really real. Don't listen to her.

You've done a great job.

No.

I failed.

I'm lost. I don't understand my purpose.

You're everything we expected.

The Alpha and the Omega. Who is?

Who was and who is to come.

Liar! God loves you.

Are you my father?

The fuck am I supposed to do?

You lost.

People, listen the fuck up.

Just because we have a president who's a total douche nozzle and global warming

is getting worse, that doesn't mean you can sit here on your lazy asses and

holler out a few Hail Satans. You think End Times is going to show up like a

herpes sore?

I'm so tired of preaching to the goddamn choir.

What aren't you getting?

You know the drill.

The Antichrist is going to ride in on a wave of sin.

And all we have here is a weak...

piss dribble.

Somebody please help me out.

I'm about ready to gouge out my own eyes so I don't have to look at this weak ass

congregation anymore.

I need to hear some sins.

I need to feel we're making way for him.

You, what are your sins?

What did you do to usher him in this week?

I stole $100 from my register at work. Seriously?

A fucking rounding error?

You think that's going to open up the gates of hell?

I slept with my wife's sister.

I've seen bad facelifts that are more evil than you.

You want to know what I did this week? You want to be inspired?

You want to know how I'm helping bring end times?

I robbed a nursing home.

And I gave all the money to the...

Next week, I need to feel some evil.

I need to be repulsed. I need to feel sick to my stomach.

I want to be inspired.

Whatever, okay.

Let's speak in tongues for a hot second.

Show some respect.

I don't have any money right now.

Or any food from the looks of it.

How long has it been since you ate, kid?

What's it to you?

Just trying to help out a fellow believer.

You know, after the service.

I could fix you something.

My place is only a couple of blocks from here.

That's actually really nice of you.

What can I say?

Nobody's perfect.

What's your name, kid?

Michael.

You must have been starving. I seen a lot of young people like you come to our

church off the five stars on Yelp and the free donut at check-in.

They all have the same look you do.

Scared, searching, questioning what the hell this all means.

So...

What's your story?

How did you end up all alone and at our beloved Satan's doorstep?

My father abandoned me.

My mother tried to kill me.

Humanity is shit.

This world is a twisted black hole of sin and chaos, and that's

why Satanism...

is the way of the future.

We are the fastest growing religion in the world.

So we need people like you, bright, eager, the next generation, to help

spread the word of Lucifer. Because here's the beautiful secret, babe. Once

you embrace that at our core, we are degenerate, rotten beings, every last

one of us, you'll be free.

Satanism.

It's about giving in to your urges, embracing sin, your true nature.

I sold my soul to the devil, and he gave me everything I ever wanted.

Sold your soul?

Did you sign a contract in blood?

I made a deal in a black mass, as one does, through prayer, and by prayer,

I mean, killing people. It works.

You're standing in the proof.

I offered up my soul, and he gave me all this riches beyond

compare. I've got a lazy boy, a cable package

with all the premium channels.

I shoot up heroin as much as I want, and I never get the sweats.

Every Wednesday night, Brad Pitt comes over and fucks me till the sun comes up.

On Friday nights, I get Ryan Reynolds.

So that's all it is then.

Satan is carnal pleasure.

Hell no.

We've got a greater purpose.

We are moving towards the beginning of the end.

Our savior is coming.

The spawn of Satan will lead us off the cliff and into the end times. We just

have to make things terrible enough for him to rise.

We are the fetid, rancid, contaminated soil from which he will bloom

and then plunge us in eternal darkness so that we can

walk with Satan in eternal hellfire.

I hate to break it to you, but you're waiting in vain.

What are you talking about?

I'm the one you're waiting for.

How dare you blaspheme!

Before you kill me, dear believer, see me.

Satan, our savior has risen.

human sacrifice?

Black bass?

You are everything.

This is Letitia.

She is a social worker, and she's dedicated her entire life to easing the

suffering of those less fortunate.

Bitch, please.

Theodore is a lifelong member of Doctors Without Borders.

Isn't that just too precious?

Minus the two of them, I think the world will be a little bit shittier.

So why waste any more time?

The honor of today's killing goes to a new member, Phil.

something about yourself well I was the chief accountant at Gawker before you

know that whole thing oh ouch then my girlfriend left me and my

life turned to shit until I saw the darkness are you ready

to pledge your soul to Satan am I ever they're all yours

hail Phil Satan.

Phil Satan.

Don't let me down, Phil.

Wait!

This honor belongs to someone else.

Someone else?

His name is Michael.

He's new here.

Well, even if he's willing to sell his soul, why shouldn't he go before?

Michael doesn't need to sell his soul.

The end times are upon us.

Behold.

The mark of the beast.

Is it possible that you're the one?

I am.

Hail Satan!

Is it too spicy?

No, it's good.

Thank the Dark Lord.

It's my mother's recipe.

Now try the macaroni salad.

No, the turkey meatballs.

May I touch your hair? Let the kid eat.

Or is something wrong? What can we get you? What can we do?

I just think everyone should do what you normally do.

Have fun.

Enjoy your Wednesday potluck dinner like always.

You heard him.

Our guest of honor eats at his own pace.

I can personally vouch for the spinach lasagna.

It would be the honor of my life to watch you eat it.

So, what happens next?

Probably your lasagna.

No, I meant on the global annihilation front.

What do we do first?

When do we do it?

I'm not sure.

What do you mean you're not sure?

I don't know what to do.

Where to begin.

But you're the Antichrist. People won't let me forget.

Everyone keeps saying that I'm special, that I'm the only one who can bring

about the end times, but nobody gave me a fucking instruction manual!

And the one person who always helped me, who I could always turn to for advice,

she's gone now!

I have no one.

I think there's some people you need to see.

Who? Just trust me.

We are on the precipice of oblivion, Michael.

Now is not the time to bury yourself in doubt.

This person who helped you, what was her name?

Miss Miriam Mead.

We have access to private search engines that can

find... Anyway, and there she is.

We'll just go and pick her up.

It's not possible.

I'm not powerful enough to bring her back.

Not anymore at least.

She's dead.

Dead?

That's something we can work around.

the son of Satan.

There is no one or no thing you cannot have.

I don't know why you won't just tell me exactly where we're going.

I'm sorry. I'm already a little freaked out. I've said too much.

You being who you are.

It's okay.

You're going to have to be nervous around me. I'm the same guy I was when

you met me.

That is so not true.

Just tell me.

We are like this secret network.

We all know each other.

A secret network of people who've sold their souls.

Yeah.

And if you think about this network like it's a hotel.

Then I am taking you to the penthouse.

No one is going to pass up a chance to meet the true son of the most foul.

If there is anyone who can help get you back on track, they can.

You're not coming with me.

They're only interested in you.

Just go up the path to the entrance.

I really think you're going to be impressed.

At least I hope so.

Why are you so good to me?

I've waited for you my whole life.

We all have.

Could I ask you a favor?

Anything.

When you finally talk...

Dear father, could you maybe put in a good word for me?

When I get to hell, I want to be in the lowest circle.

Circle?

However it's structured, I want to be in the worst part.

Or the best part. I want to burn in blistering fire for all

eternity and surface.

I'll see what I can do. Okay?

Okay.

Tell me that wasn't the last of it.

I ordered more, bruh. How you coming?

Almost done.

Okay.

Let's try it.

Ooh.

Holy shit, that's way better. What'd you do?

I tweaked the feedback sensors on the finger joints and gave the lateral

servos a flush.

The next auto update, all our Tiffany and Bambi users are going to be very

happy. Fuck yeah, bro.

I'm pitching a tent just looking at that.

Oh, shit! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Well, 5,000 of our clients just got their dicks ripped off.

It's okay, it's okay. I know what the problem is. Yeah, I know what my problem

is. I need another fix.

Hey, babe, we're spiraling here. Do you have an ETA?

It's just arriving now.

Terribly sorry for the delay.

I'm so sorry, Miss Venable. There was a bad accident on the 101.

Not as bad as the accident that brought you into the world, I'm sure.

I got back as fast as I could. You don't have to insult me again.

I certainly don't have to.

But why deny myself one of life's simple pleasures?

Now set that down.

And summon all your brain cells to clear your desk.

You can't treat people like this.

I'm gonna report you to HR.

I am HR, bitch.

And everything else that matters around here, too.

Now do me a favor and get the...

Dude, this easy listening music you're always playing is not helping.

How many times do I have to tell you? Don't knock the playlist. The playlist

is everything.

Light rock is soothing for me. It is calming. It is focusing. Other than

cocaine, it is my cocaine.

Ah, yes.

Oh, babe, you're a lifesaver.

Hey, I was working.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I forgot.

How do you guys not OD?

Oh, hell if I know. Devil of a mystery.

The package of dog feces is on its way to Mr. Zuckerberg's estate. Fourth class

male, of course.

Rihanna's people called. She'll be available all weekend, and I've already

purchased the island.

Oh, nice.

It's venable.

What would our lives be without you?

Oh, I just can't imagine. A lot less purple.

Yeah? Purple's miss venables thing justice self abasement is yours

Lastly

the front desk says there's a gentleman here to see you

Apparently he claims to have arranged this meeting with you himself. Uh,

yeah, if you could let him in the private elevator place

Don't ever call me babe

Sometimes

I swear she hates our guts

Dude, what's up?

Come on in.

Dying to meet you.

Madeline's really been talking you up.

That lady is whacked, right?

But she seems totally convinced that you're the one.

No offense, but I thought you'd be a little bit more jacked. Like, I was

picturing you totally ripped like The Rock when he was, you know, The Rock.

No, that's, like, stereotypical, dude.

What do you mean?

Yeah, it's not cool.

Uh, what's your name again?

Michael Langdon.

Michael Langdon.

Ain't got to admit, that's a little weak, right?

Yeah. Shouldn't he be like Beelzebub or some shit like that?

Old Scratch?

Oh, no, dude, dude, dude!

Dude, dude, dude, dude! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, we believe you.

You know, I thought I'd be, like, pissing my pants or something, and...

I am dry as the Sahara, bro.

Yeah, you gotta look at it from our shoes here. I mean, how do we know

you're the Antichrist?

Yeah, how do we know?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah,

I mean, that's cool, but it's just a tattoo on your scalp.

No.

It's true, I can feel the darkness.

It's making me sick and it's coming from him.

Holy shit!

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan.

Hail Satan. Satan, hail.

Dude. We owe everything to you, old man. Do you know how much time we wasted

doing the Silicon Valley grind before we found our faith?

Years to work 20 hours a day in R&D for a company whose non-disclosure

agreements prevent us from mentioning by name. But did Elon give us any credit?

Any opportunity for advancement?

No! The fix is in, man. The world is run by prep school fail sons of Russian

oligarchs. Everyone else just slaves away trying to make these rich assholes

richer. Fuck that shit! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it! Why put in the work when

there's no reward, right?

And then we learn the secret.

The politicians, the billionaires, the elite, they all made a deal to work in

your service.

My dad.

Exactly. That's when we took the plunge, too. Sold our souls, did the whole black

mass thing. Now, we own a robotics company worth billions.

We inhale booger sugar like it's fucking oxygen, and we bang Victoria's Secret

models every Tuesday.

Fuck you.

Thursdays, we get Ryan Reynolds.

The point is, it would be an honor.

To play even a small role in bringing the cosmic skid mark that is planet

Earth to a fiery end. We are your servants, Michael. Now and forever.

How can we help, even in the most microscopic of ways?

I lost someone very dear to me.

My one true ally.

You want to help?

Bring her back.

You came to the right place.

Our AI tech makes HAL 9000 look like a fucking abacus. We can whip you up a new

right-hand lickety-split player.

You can?

Tell us about her.

Everything you can remember.

No, we owe him more than this.

She's gonna be identical.

Down to her final pube.

No, it's not good enough, bro. Not when your client's the spawn of Satan.

Think. I'm thinking!

Think harder! I'm thinking!

Think faster!

We need to make her Mossad.

Ever. Yeah!

Mossad!

240 terabytes of memory, over 11,000 processor cores.

She could crush Watson and Jeopardy and kick the asses of every Reuter actor in

the Expendables franchise.

She's amazing.

Why is she so cold?

Oh, that'll change with the flip of her own switch.

She's got a nanowire-based lithium-ion battery.

Basically the Energizer Bunny's wet dream. We fire her up, she goes on

forever.

Just don't tell her she's a biomechanical humanoid. At least not at

first. It'll send her into the mother of all existential crises. She could end up

killing herself, maybe others.

Seriously, I've seen it happen.

Not worth the headache.

And now, Kineros Robotics proudly presents

The Battle Act, Miriam Mead 2.0.

Now don't expect her to be her old self right away.

It's gonna take her time. She needs to learn from you.

Build a rapport.

Like any relationship.

How I've missed you, Michael.