Original subtitles

[Lisa on TV] Lisa Cramlin here with Graham Paul.

Breaking down this afternoon's Richmond-Arsenal match.

-Welcome, Graham- -[Graham] Pleasure to be here, Lisa.

[Lisa] Today was another tough day for Roy Kent in a stretch of bad days.

In his last nine games, Kent...

...turnovers have nearly doubled.

And today it was an ignominious own goal...

-There you are! -Everyone gone?

Yes, sir. Well, except Rojas.

Darn kid's out on the practice pitch still doing drills.

What a fucking asshole.

Right? Hm.

Yeah.

Somebody ordered a Roy on the rocks, huh? How we doing here? Whoo!

That is cold, man.

Just looking at you in there is making me all chilly inside.

Can you just tell me I fucked up and then go?

Not gonna do that, bud.

I lost us the game. I'm a piece of shit.

Easy now.

-You had a bad day. Big whoop. -Big whoop?

Yeah. Big whoop.

You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet.

I don't wanna hear it, all right?

So just, you know, knock it off.

Go easy on yourself, okay?

Hey, I got your back. Ain't nothing gonna change that.

Look at you in there, looking like a brunette Oscar the Grouch.

-On or off? -[Roy] Off.

[Graham on TV] You gotta stop holding on, Roy, please, for us, for you.

-Let it go. -[Lisa on TV] There you go...

Hola, Roy.

[Lisa] When we return we will take a look

at Jamie Tartt's brilliant day for Manchester City.

[singing in Spanish]

[gurgling]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It might be all that you get ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I guess this might well be it ♪

♪ But heaven knows I've tried ♪

[camera clicking]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Oh, snap. Watch your back, Kate Moss.

There's a new bad girl on the British modeling scene, huh?

[woman] Okay, I think we've got it.

Brought these in case you need a biscuit boost.

Man, oh, man. You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?

It's a profile on women in football. It's not a big deal.

There's like four of us. Me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.

Oh, come on, now, being a role model's a huge deal.

Don't you realize that there's a little girl out there somewhere

rocking a tiny eggplant colored power suit and she's just dreaming about

becoming a sports executive someday.

She gonna read this article and think, "Holy smokes. My dreams are possible."

And in this scenario of yours,

little girls read The Football Financial Quarterly?

Oh, who knows? Little girls are mysterious.

And silly and powerful.

I gave up trying to figure them out years ago.

Tell you what, I wish Higgins was here. Because he'd be real happy for you too.

I don't know about that, Ted. When Higgins decided to quit,

he made it clear what he thought. It wasn't supportive.

Ehh! Nope. I'm filing that under stinking thinking right there.

Okay? So, I guarantee you, he'll come around.

-Right. I'm changing the subject. -Go ahead.

How's the team morale going into the final?

I mean, I'm still heartbroken about the last loss.

Are you?

-Of course. -Hmm.

-Hi, Keeley! -Hi, Ted.

Did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you?

Yeah, they did.

They're gonna stick with the models they already have.

-Aww, nuts. -I know.

But they did say that if they ever do an everyman campaign

or something satirical, your name's on their list.

All right, there you go, that's not bad.

Can I borrow you for a second, Rebecca?

Come on.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, it smells of feet in here.

I mean, it just hits you immediately, doesn't it?

It's hot like feet fug right up your nose--

You're being a right, floppy cock, Rebecca.

Why haven't you told Ted yet?

-Oh, I'm going to. -When?

[sighs] Imagine doing something unforgivable to someone

who doesn't deserve it, then having to look them in the eye and tell them.

I don't have to imagine, I've done it.

Year eight, I took a shit in Joanna Wellington's locker.

I apologized, I was uninvited to her birthday party

and then we patched it up a week later.

Just fucking tell him.

Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker?

I don't know, I was 13.

What? Teenage girls are like mysterious and dark and dangerous.

-All right. -That is not the point.

Oh, God, sorry, um, wow.

I know women like shoes, but girls, come on, this is silly.

Sorry, that was really sexist.

Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here.

But you are in here, that's great.

Take as long as you need. Um, yeah, I'll go.

I mean, what would be the point of telling Ted now?

-It doesn't change anything. -It will change how I feel about you.

[door closes]

You know, David, we got one final game in this season against Man City.

And our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson.

On a high. Yeah?

Oh, how about Trent Crimm?

And if memory serves you're from the Daily Planet, yeah?

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Ah, yes, that's the one. Okay, what's your question, Trent?

Many of your young players have improved during your tenure.

And there's Roy Kent.

He played dismally last match. Thoughts?

Well, I think you can ask Roy himself. He'll tell you it wasn't his best day.

But I'll let you know right now that Roy Kent

is the backbone of this team.

All right, let's mix it up in here a little.

If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand.

You guys get the next few questions.

Ah! That was a trick.

If y'all were introverts, you'd have been quiet as a churchmouse.

Unless that church was Westboro Baptist.

Those turkeys won't shut up.

Hi, guys.

What's up?

-Please have a seat. -Okay.

Feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy.

Or tell me you're dating each other. And either one is cool with me

because your suggestion is ally.

We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.

-I see. Okay. -It wasn't just one bad game, coach.

He's showing his age.

Made significant mistakes in the last five matches.

We just haven't been bitten in the arse by them yet.

Yesterday, our butts had teeth marks.

Deep ones.

The kind you usually have to pay for.

Hm.

[phone vibrates]

[grunts]

Guys.

I'm not benching Roy.

He's our captain.

But I want you to know that I value each of your opinions.

Even when they're wrong.

I was really hoping it was gonna be improv.

I'm Audi 5000.

[door closes]

-You paid someone to bite you? -No, of course not.

-Oh, sorry, I... -Been paid.

Where? When?

[knocking "Shave and a Haircut"]

Hi, what's up!

Uh, I have something I need to tell you.

I'm all ears.

[laughs]

Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush, I'm just gonna get straight to the point.

No faffing around, because that's annoying and definitely no procrastinating.

Um, procrast-- Procrast-- That's a good word, isn't it?

Procrastinating. Proc-- "Procrastinating."

Huh, I wonder what the etymology is?

Obviously, pro, very good, but crast?

Crast? I have no idea. Hey, why don't we look it up?

-Have you got a dictionary? -Not on me.

Are you doing okay?

-Me? -Yeah.

I am brilliant.

Yeah, I am top of the pops.

[sings]

Do you think you could do this later?

Yeah, sure, no problem. I'll just hit the rewind button.

[gibberish]

[chuckling]

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Just do it, just do it! Just, I'm a big girl.

Oh, fucking just tidy up your mess.

Tidy up your mess, right.

Oh, God!

[door opens]

Surprise!

-Rupert. -You seem anxious.

-Where's, uh--? Where's Higgins? -I fired him.

Why? Higgins is first class.

Except the only negative about the man

was that whenever he borrowed a pen from me,

he would nibble the top like some anxious little puppy.

Good boy!

-Yeah, well, he is gone. -Shame.

Oh, well, maybe he'll accept my offer now.

Look, Rupert, are you here to try and buy back the club or--

No, I wanted to tell you something.

Before you heard it somewhere else.

Becks and I are having a baby.

Surprise again!

But you always said--

I thought we could be mature about this.

[scoffs] Oh, you're mature enough, all right.

You're nearly 70 and you're having a baby.

I mean what are you, a character from the fucking Bible?

When your kid hits puberty,

you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card!

Now, now, darling...

-Don't call me that. -People change. I do want a child.

I suppose I didn't want one with...

Before.

I mean, in the end, it's just about being with the right person, isn't it?

-Of course. -Oh, I'm so glad

I got to tell you this in person.

I would have hated for you to read it in the press.

Good luck against Man City.

♪ Walking down the avenue ♪

♪ Looking out for something new ♪

♪ It's the right time to give in ♪

♪ The right time to lose ♪

♪ To begin again ♪

♪ Maybe win again ♪

♪ All I want is to talk to you ♪

I have something I need to tell you.

Hmm. Deja vu.

[chuckles]

I'm a fucking bitch.

Oh, that's new.

[door closes]

Ted, I lied to you.

I hired you because I wanted this team to lose.

I wanted you to fail.

And I sabotaged you every chance I've had.

It was me who hired that photographer to take the photo of you and Keeley.

I set up the interview with Trent Crimm

hoping that he would humiliate you.

And I instigated the transfer of Jamie Tartt,

even though you'd asked me not to.

This club is all that Rupert has ever cared about

and I wanted to destroy it.

To cause him as much pain and suffering as he's caused me.

And I didn't care who I used or who I hurt.

All you good people, just trying to make a difference.

Ted, I'm so sorry.

Hm.

If you want to quit or call the press I'll completely understand.

I forgive you.

You, what? Why?

Divorce is hard.

It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if...

you're the one who got left.

It makes folks do crazy things.

Hell, I'm coaching soccer, for heaven's sake.

In London.

I mean, that's nuts. [laughs]

-Yeah. -Yeah.

This job you gave me has changed my life.

Gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on.

Yeah, but you and me...

we're okay.

Ted...

Come on, just shake this hand. My arm is starting--

[chuckles]

You know, I think that if you care about someone...

and you got a little love in your heart,

there ain't nothing you can't get through, together.

You know what I'm saying?

You are not just talking about us now, are you?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Okay.

I'll go change for practice-- Uh, training. Pract--

Whatever, who cares?

Nice seeing you down here, boss.

You liven up the place.

All right, let's get it going, huh? Let's go, gather up.

Come on, now.

All right, you gotta remember, your body's like day old rice.

If ain't warmed up properly, something bad could happen.

Oh, food poisoning is no joke, coach.

Uh, one time I was being sick,

and at the same time, I was having diarrhea.

Mm, yup, that'll happen.

Anybody else wanna share?

To be able to do both those things at the same time?

The body is a miracle.

Yeah, good perspective, I appreciate that.

So, fellas, we all know speed is important.

But being able to stop and change directions quickly,

well, that's like Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak.

Don't get nearly enough credit.

Okay, so let's line up on these cones Nate put out. Let's go.

Here's the deal.

Last one to start, stop, then start again is a rotten egg. Let's do it.

[whistle blows]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, coach, I thought of a joke this morning in the shower.

What does a British owl say?

-Move! -Come on, boys, move!

What does a British owl--

[whistle blows]

I was saying, earlier that--

Acting like I'm chasing you with a booger or something.

Okay. All right, I see what's going on here.

It's about Roy, ain't it?

Give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment.

That's a combo. Does it come with a medium drink?

[chuckles]

Fine.

Hey, Nate, what does a British owl say?

Oh, you do that move, where you act like you don't hear me and then walk away, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, it's like that now, huh?

Heck with both of you guys. I am gonna focus up here on practice.

There you go, Dani, dig in, baby. Come on.

-Fuck! -That's all right, Roy.

-Fuck! -Keep up, Roy.

-You got this, Roy. -Just fuck!

That's it. Swear it out, Roy. Swear it out.

[panting]

[groaning]

Mm. Shoot.

Okay. Hm.

[player] Roy, get back, Roy. Come on, Roy, you got this, man.

Okay.

[players chattering]

[sighs]

[jazz music playing on double bass]

[Higgins] Mm.

Ah!

[jazz music continues]

Yeah!

Whoa.

[screams]

[panting]

[Ted] There you are.

[pants]

Hi.

There's a lot of other seats.

Well, yeah, this is what my ticket says.

[chuckles]

[exhales] How you doing, Roy?

Fine. You?

Oh, good, good, yeah.

Oh, I saw this video online of a, uh, a kitten

and a little baby chicken becoming friends

and just hanging out together.

It was a-- Wait, let me show it to you. I got--

What's this about?

[chuckling]

Oh, it's funny, because, whenever my mom has something tough

to talk about with me, she will, uh, you know, she'll start it off

saying something about, I don't know, something weird.

Something overtly nice and, uh...

Yeah, I just thought the idea of a cat and a bird

being all simpatico was nice.

Look, Roy, we've been talking about the starting lineup against--

No, don't you dare. You are not fucking benching me.

-Now, hey, I'm just talking here. -Yeah, talking. That's all you do.

Talking all that bullshit about how you've got my back.

-No, hey, I do have your back. -Bullshit!

Pretended to be a man of your words. Fucking full of shit!

You can go fuck yourself!

Fuck you!

[note playing on double bass]

[sighs]

There are a lot of surprises happening here.

Like that tiny little beard.

It's called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter.

And I think it makes me look how I feel. Chill.

-How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it? -She hates it with a white-hot intensity.

[chuckling]

Right, look.

I came clean to Ted. I told him everything.

Oh.

-How did that go? -You know, what the little shit did?

He forgave me.

-Fucking asshole. -I know.

But that's not actually why I am here.

I wanted to apologize to you for...

treating you so poorly.

And forcing you to be an accomplice in my moronically childish scheme.

I am truly sorry, Higgins.

[exhales]

Wow, um, thank you-- Thank you, Rebecca.

I lost my way, for a minute.

-Yeah. -But I'm on the road back.

I can tell. You know what, it suits you.

Unlike that beard. Ooh!

Oh.

Sorry, had to.

I don't think I've ever had a child in my house before.

-What about Jamie? -[laughs]

Oh, we can't let her go snooping around though.

I don't want her to find my vibrator.

Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.

Her mom said no electronics.

[laughs]

So how you doing?

Fine.

[Keeley] I do kind of think kids are pretty incredible.

She's got new teeth that push out her old teeth.

-The body is a miracle. -The last time I was on the bench--

You are ready to talk about real stuff. That's great.

Um, wait, one second.

[grunts] Come sit here!

Take this.

Okay, we are both ready, lay it on me.

Roy Kent's been the best player on every team

he's been on since he was a kid.

I like being Roy Kent.

I don't know if I can handle just being some loser has-been called Roy.

"All right, Roy?" Yeah. "What you been up to?" Fuck all.

God! I think men who feel sorry for themselves are so sexy.

-Stop it. -No, seriously, I do.

And if you start telling me how hard it is playing a game for a living,

-I think I might come. -It's not just a game to me.

It's all I've ever known.

It's who I am. It's all I am.

Phoebe.

Phoebe, can you come here for a second?

You were right. Zeppelin is amazing.

Wait till you hear Cream.

But first, I need you to close your eyes for me, yeah?

Okay. Can you describe your Uncle Roy?

Every thing that you can think of. Go!

Well, he's my uncle.

His beard is scratchy.

He buys me ice cream.

He swears a lot.

He's really funny.

And I love him.

Well done, Phoebe.

See? I didn't hear anything about being a footballer.

Who gives a shit what she has to say? She's 6.

The point is, you don't know what people think about Roy Kent.

Secondly, all that matters, Roy Kent, is what you think about Roy.

[indistinct chatter]

That your old girl playing chess with some bloke?

-Yup. -That's fucking brutal.

She's just playing her game.

You stay strong, you hear? You're a beautiful man.

Hey, fellas.

Well, that's a lot of pints just for us.

I thought you might have had a tough time with Roy.

Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver.

Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.

I was always more of a Taber guy.

But if I'm being honest, I actually never got around to telling Roy.

Now, don't give me those eyes. He figured it out all on his own.

And I can see you're happy now but don't be.

Because I've been thinking about it, and, uh...

I'm starting Roy against Man City and that's that.

Look, putting him on the bench wouldn't just be humiliating to him,

it could actually affect his livelihood.

You know better than anyone that all this ain't about winning to me,

'cause, that ain't how we measure success.

Damn it, it is!

-Oh, boy. -What was that?

Hey, who put a firecracker up your butt and lit it?

You did!

And I'm sick of it.

Look, I understood this mission when we were in Kansas.

Those were kids and these are professionals.

And winning does matter to them.

And it matters to me!

And that's okay.

-Ain't that right, Mae? -A-fucking-men, it is.

How do you not get it? Losing has repercussions.

We lose, we get relegated.

We get relegated, this is over.

And we will have built nothing.

And if you wanna pick a player's feelings over a coach's duty to make a point...

I don't wanna drink with someone that selfish.

[indistinct chatter]

That was the sexiest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

Get your things.

She's been toying with you.

Checkmate, mate.

♪ And setting in the West ♪

♪ All waving flags ♪

♪ We're all waving flags now ♪

♪ Waving flags ♪

♪ But don't be scared ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ You're only here ♪

♪ For a while ♪

♪ And it's all a joke ♪

[horns blaring]

-I'm good. -You got nut allergy?

I got a finger allergy.

What else have I got to offer you here? We got red wine. Hm? We got tea.

Yeah-- Oh, two-day old pasta water.

-Tea's fine. -Yeah.

Sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.

Eh, la-di-da.

I'm usually better at hiding my anger.

-Oh, you think so, huh? -Mm.

"Know thyself." Rest in peace, Socrates.

Told my niece I might not be playing.

She asked if we could go get ice cream.

Well, hey, at least you had someone you could talk to, right?

-How was the ice cream? -Good.

-It's fucking ice cream. -Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best.

It's kind of like seeing Billy Joel perform live.

-You know, it never disappoints. -Mm-hm.

It does give me the toots though.

The ice cream, not Billy Joel.

Asked her if she was still gonna watch the match if I wasn't playing.

Yeah.

Little shit said yes. Didn't even blink.

Just straight into my face.

Well, hey, that's showbiz, ain't it?

I promised myself I was never gonna watch Fresh Prince

when they swapped out Aunt Vivs.

But truth be told, as long as they let Carlton do his thing,

I was always gonna take a minute and sit right there.

Yeah, uh, sidebar, Alfonso Ribeiro, the greatest physical comedian

of the 19th, 20th and 21st century.

Case in point, right here.

[fingers snapping]

Iconic, yeah?

I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.

You see a silhouette do this, you know exactly what it is,

you know exactly who's doing it. It is the one, the only, Alphonso--

-[woman] Knock it off! -Sorry, Miss Shipling!

Been a whole thing this last week.

[exhales] Anyway, yeah, you know what we can do?

Been hurt off and on all season.

Why don't we say you're injured, can't play. No shame.

It would help protect my stock if I wanna move next season.

Maybe to a club that actually wants to start me.

Come on.

What if, God forbid, I end up having to play in fucking America,

where I'd dominate, by the way.

They'd be like, "Oh, is this football then?"

Obviously my preference would be to have you.

At practice tomorrow and the game.

But hey, you gotta do what's right for you.

Can I think about it?

I'd call you a big, dummy poo-poo face if you didn't.

Mm.

Be honest with me, it's a prank, right? The tea?

Like when tourist aren't around. Y'all know this tastes like garbage.

No. I love it.

You don't love it, it's pigeon sweat.

[sighs]

Horrible, horrible.

-[Higgins] Yeah. -[Rebecca] No.

Get rid of the small one. Bring back the tall one who's got bigger hands.

[Ted] Bing bong!

It's biscuits o'clock!

-Higgins! You're back? -Yes.

All right, well, hey, I know I may be a little too old school for some folks,

but I'm gonna say it anyway. Hell to the yeah.

-Good to see you. -Nice to see you.

-Here you go. Those are yours. -Thank you, Ted.

-Mm-hm. -Oh, you've got to try one of these.

Oh, no, he does not. Caring is sharing.

But I brought Higgins his own.

What? How did you know?

-I had a hunch you were gonna be here. -Oh, wow!

Actually, those were for Trent Crimm's daughter.

She turns 3 today, but it means more to me if you had them.

-What? No, come on-- -Uh, no, it's okay, she won't remember.

Oh, Ted, you've already told her?

Oh yeah, weeks ago. She's been looking forward to it.

She's 3, she'll bounce right back, it'll be fine.

-Oh, wait-- -No, no, I insist.

I'm screwing with you. I'm messing around.

I predicted this whole thing and I made those for you.

Oh, thank you.

[babbling]

Okay, y'all, See you in a bit, okay? Let's go, Greyhounds, whoo!

-Yeah, definitely for a little girl. -Maybe he thinks you're silly and playful.

-And mysterious. -Oh, sure.

[players chattering]

Okay, fellas.

I need y'all to listen up.

Coach.

Coach.

-Now-- -I know now's not the best time, coach.

But I have been feeling physically sick since walking away from you the other day.

Just last night, I had a nightmare

that I was pecking you to death like a crow.

-I'm so sorry. -It's okay, Nate.

We're all good in the hood, all right?

But hey, but do me a favor,

apologize to me in your dreams, so we're good on that.

-Oh, yeah, of course. -Thanks.

Now, fellas, we got ourselves a heck of a match coming up, yeah?

And what I'm gonna need from all of y'all--

Sorry, I'm late.

My 6-year-old niece found my girlfriend's vibrator.

So I had to take her to get her ears pierced

in an attempt to erase the memory.

[indistinct chatter]

Been there.

-Can I say something? -Floor is yours, captain.

[grunts]

Second team's gonna kick first team's fucking arses today!

[cheering]

All right, finish getting ready and then we'll do what the man says.

We'll settle this on the pitch. Let's go.

[applause]

♪ You as the leader of the landslide ♪

♪ She left, she left ♪

♪ The writing's on the walls ♪

♪ Please believe me ♪

♪ Don't answer when she calls ♪

♪ The only thing I know ♪

♪ Is that we're in too deep ♪

♪ And maybe when she's dead and gone ♪

♪ I'll get some ♪

♪ Sleep ♪