Original subtitles

[Nate] No. No, no, no, no.

No, Trevor, no.

The bag has to go all the way in, okay? Use all the space.

Out of the way. Thank you. Oh.

Oh, what's going on back here? Right.

Oh, oh, these need to be moved around

because this is gonna jiggle about otherwise.

Now, can we move...? Hello?

Hello, there's someone in here! Oh, my God.

Hey, I almost forgot, you know how we're playing Everton?

-Yeah. -That's not a town.

It's actually a team in Liverpool!

[Henry] Like The Beatles!

If you see John, Paul, George or Ringo,

will you take a picture, please?

Hey, you got it, big guy.

Okay, I better get a roll on here.

Okay, and Mom wants to talk to you,

-hold on. -I love you, buddy.

-Love you too. -Still haven't told him

-John and George are dead? -They're what?

It was Keith Richards.

-Hey, Ted. -Hey, how you doing?

-Good. -How's work?

-Everything all right? -Yeah. Um, I'm sorry.

I know this isn't easy.

But the paperwork the lawyer sent?

Well, I know, you know, hey...

Got it right here. I'll, uh, look it all over, sign it,

send it right back, I promise.

Okay, thanks- Hey, good luck tomorrow.

-We'll be watching. -All right now.

[indistinct chatter]

Whoo-hoo! Girls' trip!

Oh, Liverpool, here we come.

I want to say up front I'm really flattered

you asked me to come.

Oh! Come on now.

But, hey, we're both single. I think you are super-hot.

If I'm gonna dip my toe back into the lady pool,

I can't think of a finer body of water than you.

No, no, Keeley, you're confused.

I was at first, then I was like, "Come on, Keeley.

Blow off some steam and have some wicked sex

with your new friend."

I'm fucking with you.

-[giggles] -Oh, my God!

I thought you were serious!

-I mean, can you imagine? -Oh, I have.

[humming]

Looks like we have a new passenger on today's flight.

Keeley will be taking your seat on the jet, Higgins.

-Oh. -Sorry.

I'm gonna spend a penny before we take off.

-See you downstairs, Rebecca. -Oh, that's okay.

I enjoy the antics on the team bus.

No, I need you to stay here this weekend,

doing work that doesn't matter.

Uh..

All right, gentlemen.

Who's ready to go show Everton what we got?

[indistinct chatter]

-Whoo! -Thank you, Dani.

Jeez, Louise. Why is everybody so down in the dumps?

What happened? Did Beyonce dump Jay-Z?

-No, nothing like that. -Thank goodness.

Just saying it out loud made me immediately sad.

Let me see, here.

Hey, guys, seriously, come on, talk to me.

-What's up? -Well, we're fine.

-Hm. -Yeah, I'm all right.

-Okay. -We're in a shit fucking mood

because we never fucking win at Everton, it sucks fucking shit!

-Pff. -[Ted] Ah, come on, fellas.

How long's it been since y'all won up at Everton?

-Sixty years ago. -Jesus Christ!

[whistles] Wow, that is a heck of a long time. Okay.

So we got that, and obviously we're-we're bummed out

that O'Brien tore his butt.

My upper hamstring, coach.

Uh, you tore your butt. Nothing to be ashamed of.

It happens, people tear their butts all the time in athletics.

You're not alone.

Hey, coach, you've torn your butt, right?

-Three times. -Three times.

Butt's an amazing muscle. God is my witness, your butt will heal.

Silver lining here with O'Brien's tore butt

is that my man from Montreal is gonna be filling in at goalie.

-Give it up for Zorro. -Oh. It's pronounced, um, Zoreaux.

I'm sorry. Zorro.

-Zoreaux. -Zoreaux.

You... I don't know what I'm doing wrong here.

Point is, unless one of y'all got a crystal ball,

we don't know what's gonna happen.

That's why we play the game. So let me hear it!

Richmond on three! One, two, three!

-Richmond! -All right, come on, let's go.

-[Lloyd] Hey, coach. -Howdy, fellas.

-How can I help you? -Um, so...

Uh, since Jamie Tartt has gone back to Man City,

uh, you've lost one, drawn one, not scored any goals.

I'm wondering, how worried are you about the threat of relegation?

Lloyd, right now I'm mostly concerned with the definition of relegation.

-Uh-huh. -What you got for me, Marcus?

Want to know how you feel about the departure of Jamie Tartt.

Yeah, um, well, if I'm being honest,

it, uh, breaks my heart a little.

One of the neatest things about being a coach

is the connection with players.

That's a loss that hits me a lot harder

and is gonna stay longer than anything that happens

while playing a game on a patch of grass.

-See you fellas in Liverpool? -Yeah.

Oh. Hey, last one there is a Scotch egg, whoo!

[engine revving]

What?

Hey, there he is.

[inaudible]

-Good to see you, Nate. -All right, let's go.

[theme song playing]

♪ Yeah, it might be all that you get ♪

♪ Yeah, I guess this might well be it ♪

♪ But heaven knows I've tried ♪

Here we go. It's the presidential suite.

Hope it's to your satisfaction. Like me to show you the amenities?

No, thank you.

My lady and I wanna have a shag and a shower

before we hit the town.

Welcome to Liverpool.

[laughing]

What? He would've spent a tip in a minute.

Come on, the image I gave him is gonna last for a lifetime!

No, it's-- It's not you. It's...

Oh, fuck! This is Rupert's and my anniversary weekend,

and, uh, it's the first one I've spent by myself--

It's okay.

Thank you.

-Hm. -Ooh, that's a long hug.

[Nate] So just to remind you,

the hotel furniture stays in the rooms,

not the hallway or the pool.

Nor are you allowed to ship it

to your homes or other hotels, okay?

All right, fellas, we got team meal in an hour.

After that, it's either gonna be movie night or a pillow fight.

-What's it gonna be? -Movie night.

Hey, all right.

But y'all say "pillow fight" one time and we'll never watch another movie.

-That's for you, coach. -Right, sir.

-That's for you. -Thank you.

Whoo! Room 5150, finally.

Sammy Hagar, greatest lead singer in Van Halen history.

In the post-David Lee Roth era.

-Thank you. -What room you got?

-5148. -Hey.

-Howdy, neighbor. -Howdy, neighbor.

Yes, hello, we still haven't received the champagne I ordered. Thank you.

Oh, good question. One second.

Should I get the concierge to make us a reservation somewhere tonight?

[Keeley] Shipley's Steak House is unmatched

in its cuisine and ambience.

Mm, is it now? Cool, I can do steak.

Uh, yes. The steak house for two, please.

-Does 8 p.m. work for you? -[Keeley] The business center is open

24 hours a day.

Okay.

What was that about the business center?

[Keeley on TV] ...have access to our state-of-the-art gym

filled with the latest in workout technology.

Like kettle bells!

-Oh, my God. -Liverpool has much to offer

when it comes to nightlife, from pubs and clubs,

to the great Asian pastime of karaoke!

I don't even remember doing this.

-And if you're the artsy type..- -Right, enough.

This weekend is moving forward. When that champagne arrives,

we're going to get drunk, have a nice meal,

and leave the past in the past. Sound good?

-Sounds fucking great. -[knock on door]

Mm-hm. Oh. Speak of the devil.

Hello, Stinky.

[whistling]

Still giving you the big room

even without old, gray walnuts footing the bill.

Good! Fuck Rupert!

Oh, who's this then? Is this your concubine?

Is she Russian? You Russian?

A, I love you. B, who are you?

Uh, let me introduce Flo Collins,

my best mate since we were little.

Brilliant child psychologist and proud, newly single mother

to the most amazing 12-year-old little girl

-called Nora, my goddaughter. -Wow.

Both of whom I've neglected to speak to in the last six years.

Oh, Jesus, Stinky.

Remind me to bury you in the set list for speeches at my funeral.

Hi, I'm Flo. Or you can call me Sassy.

-I don't care which. -Yeah.

-So you heard about the divorce? -Yeah.

I bumped into Darren at a party. He told me right after he hit on me.

Hm. Hey, what's new? Still.

Weird order for him to roll out that information.

What's in the plan for tonight? Shall I cool down? Get a robe?

Oh! Ha, ha. Look what I've got.

Mm, ta-da!

-Stole it off a room-service trolley. -You're amazing!

-I'm Keeley, by the way. Hi! -Oh!

Hm. I know you, honey.

My ex used to masturbate to you like a maniac, so...

[indistinct chatter]

[footsteps thudding]

[all chattering]

Am I cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs thinking we can beat these guys?

-No, we match up perfectly. -Exactly.

What about you? Believe these guys can win?

I believe this team can do anything.

See? There, that's what I'm talking about.

Okay, if you were me, what would you tell these guys?

Oh, no. I wouldn't. No, I don't...

Hey, hey, hey. Just asking for your opinion.

-You understand, yeah? -Yeah.

-And you got one, yes? -Yeah.

-Locked, loaded, ready to rip? -Mm-hm.

-Let me hear it. -No.

Why not? What are you afraid is gonna happen?

That you won't like my idea and it makes you hate me,

then you fire me. I move back in with my parents,

they'll be ashamed,

then everyone finds out and laughs at me until my face melts off.

Excuse me.

Well, at least he didn't stammer.

[chuckles] Hm.

-[cell phone vibrating] -[orchestral music playing]

Uh, I gotta take care of things. See you in the morning.

Hey, do me a favor. Keep an eye on these guys.

Because around the 74-minute mark,

there's gonna be a room full of grown men crying.

I'll be one of them.

[women laughing]

Right, so I hadn't prepared anything.

Not the brightest idea for a maid of honor,

-especially with an open bar. -The star of the weekend.

Yeah, I gave Elton John a boner.

-You did what? -No, you didn't!

Yes, I did!

He has repeatedly denied that.

Ah, classic "she said, she said," isn't it?

[laughing]

Would you ladies like another bottle? A little dessert, perhaps?

My sexy and extremely single friend here

actually prefers her desserts on the larger side.

If that's something you could possibly accommodate.

-I'll give you a few minutes. -Thank you. Sorry.

[giggling]

-I can't believe you just did that. -Oh, shut up. You love it.

Right, I'm going for a smoke. Stinky?

-No. Don't smoke anymore. -What?

And yet, you're still on fire.

-Ah. -Mm-hm.

[jazz music playing]

[man] Yeah, I don't know, just...

May I suggest flushing it again, but harder?

Okay, bye.

-Hi. How can I help you? -Hey, how you doing?

I was wondering if y'all had a fax machine.

[chuckles] Fax machine?

Oh, okay. Um, that's a good question.

If you bear with me a second, I'll check with a colleague,

-see what I can find. -A fax machine, eh?

Are you sending something to 1997?

Yeah, just a note to myself telling me to buy Apple stock.

Oh, good idea.

Can you tell me to murder J.K. Rowling, write the first Harry Potter book?

Can do. Yeah.

I'll write "handle" instead of "murder" so there's no paper trail.

[laughs]

-I'm Ted, by the way. -Sassy.

Sassy, huh? Like the Smurf?

Hm. Don't think there was a Sassy Smurf, was there?

Ah, too bad, a Smurf with an attitude would've been a lot of fun.

All right, yeah, I'll tell him, and let me know how the trial goes.

Okay, bye. Right.

We no longer have a fax machine.

-Oh. -But the concierge was able to locate one

at a tanning salon, eight miles away, in Croxteth.

Tsk. You know what? That's okay.

I'm just gonna hit this manicurist nearby that has carrier pigeons.

[giggling]

-Thank you, though. -Okay.

-Nice meeting you. -Hm.

How can I help you?

Well, I was gonna go out for a smoke

and hope my friend picks up the check while I was gone.

Then I saw Magnum P.I., figured I'd flirt with him as well.

See what happens.

-Oh, good luck. -Yeah, I think I fucked it.

I actually get off in about 30 minutes if you'd like to...?

Of course not. Why would you?

[boy on screen] You are who you choose to be.

[orchestral music playing]

[Iron Giant] Superman.

Okay, so I just met the fucking Marlboro Man in the...

Where's Stinky gone? She abandoned you?

-No, she just went to pee. -Oh.

Where does Stinky come from?

I remember the day she moved into our town.

She was already taller than me, bigger boobs, family was rich.

So first day of year seven,

I told everyone her nickname was Stinky.

[chuckles] That's genius.

-To the ties that bind us. -To Rebecca.

Yeah, that's not Rebecca.

-How do you mean? -No, the real Rebecca is silly.

Strong, yeah, but not cold.

-Have you ever heard her sing? -No.

Oh, beautiful voice.

[chuckles] Her and Nora would sing through the door for hours.

♪ Do you wanna build a snowman? ♪

-Who's Nora? -Hm. My daughter.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if you like that woman, you are gonna love Rebecca.

-Hm. -Ready?

-What about the bill? -Thank you, Ms. Welton.

Okay.

Wanna do that thing where you pretend you want to pay?

-Oh, yeah, this is fun. Join in. -[laughs]

Oh, you absolute piece of shit! I was about to do that!

I was just about to get my card out! I swear. We were gonna split.

-That was so nice. -Honestly, Rebecca.

[exhales]

[cell phone vibrating]

[paper rustling]

-What the hell are you doing? -I'm so sorry. I just--

You're what? What is this?

It's just my thoughts on the team.

Go, Nathan. It's past curfew.

-Go, get out of here! -Sorry!

[grunts]

[Keeley on TV] Liverpool has much to offer

when it comes to nightlife,

from pubs and clubs,

to the great Asian pastime of karaoke!

And if you're the artsy type,

or you're just trying to impress a date,

Liverpool has more museums...

[Arlo] Welcome to Goodison Park.

I'm Arlo White here with Chris Powell.

Okay, guys! Got some snacks here!

Let's try not to eat them all in the first half.

Come on, Richmond!

[Arlo] It's eighth-place Everton

hosting AFC Richmond

in 18th and staring relegation in the face.

The last time Richmond left here with a win,

the number-one song in the U.K. was by Elvis Presley.

"It's Now Or Never."

And that's certainly the case for Ted Lasso's men tonight.

Hey, Nate, can I speak with you please?

Um, yeah.

-You all right? -I want to apologize for last night.

I bit your head off for no good reason

and I'm sorry, and I hope you forgive me.

Yeah, of course. Yes, of course.

Thank you. Also, I...

read through your thoughts.

-Yeah. -They're great.

-Oh. -And I agree with every last one of them.

But I can't say this, you know?

-But they need to hear it. -I agree.

That's why you're gonna do it.

Are you drunk?

You're giving the pre-game talk, you're gonna read them this.

I just-- I don't know.

It'll be fun.

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Listen up, fellas.

As of late, I feel like y'all have heard enough of my jibber-jabber,

so I asked Nate the Great here

to jot down a few of his thoughts and ideas about you guys

and today's game. So let's focus up. All yours, Nate.

Okay.

[exhales sharply]

[clears throat]

-Let's go, Nate. -Come on, boy, you got this.

-Yeah. -You got this, Nate. It's okay.

Okay, thank you. Let's do it.

[clears throat]

-Isaac. -Hm?

Yeah, yeah. You got this, bruv, all right?

[laughs] Yeah.

I've noticed of late...

that you've been playing like a big, dumb pussy.

-Ooh. -Oh!

-Oh! -Wow!

What the fuck did you say to me, bruv?

You're more concerned about looking tough than actually being tough.

There's a way to be intimidating without being physical.

I hope you don't mind me saying.

Um, Sam.

Oh, no.

You're constantly getting beat on the wings.

You're indecisive.

You second-guess more than a shitty psychic.

The only African I know

more imprisoned by their own thoughts is goddamn Nelson Mandela.

[laughing]

-Did you hear that? -You think that's funny, Colin?

You and your fancy step-over bullshit.

Let me ask you this. Do you wax your pubes?

-Ho, ho, ho. -What?

Did I stutter, dickhead? Do you wax your pubes?

-Yes or no? -No!

Then why are you trying to play like a Brazilian?

Yeah.

-Ooh. -What just happened?

-Uh, Rojas. -Whoo! Roast me, amigo.

You say football is life, right?

Football is life.

Well, your defense is death.

The only person I've seen lose their man more often

is Carrie fucking Bradshaw.

-Oh! -Oh!

-Sex and the City- -Shh.

-Yeah. -Tough, but fair.

Right. Roy.

Go on. Say what you're gonna say.

Okay.

Don't read it.

Say it to my face.

The great Roy Kent.

You're old now...

and slow, and your focus drifts.

But your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are.

It's your anger. That's your superpower.

What made you one of the best midfielders in this league.

But I haven't seen it on the pitch this season, Roy.

You used to run like you were angry at the grass.

You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it fucking your wife,

for Christ's sake.

But that anger doesn't come out anymore when you play.

But it's still in there.

I'm afraid of what it's gonna do to you if you keep it all for yourself.

[rattling]

[growling]

[shouts]

-Ooh! -Oh, ho, ho!

[panting]

Let's go get these fuckers.

[cheering]

See? Told you it'd be fun.

[crowd cheering]

[male announcer] And the impossible has happened!

Richmonds have won at Everton, 1-nil,

-thanks to a rare goal from Roy Kent. -Yeah!

Well, Kent was absolutely brilliant today.

He was like a man possessed.

[shouts]

♪ We know we are ♪

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are ♪

♪ We're Richmond till we die! We're Richmond till we die! ♪

♪ We're Richmond till we die! ♪

What? Oh, give us a hug, Nate! Yeah.

-Ted! -Hey!

-Congratulations! -Oh, thanks, boss!

Could I, uh, just introduce you to--?

-Sassy Smurf! -Marlboro Man!

Oh, my God!

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are We're Richmond till we die! ♪

-I didn't know you were here. -Surprise.

I've been thinking about you a lot.

Oh, yeah? How come?

Because you and your crazy hair keep popping up

every time I turn on my TV.

♪ We know we are, we're sure we are We're Richmond till we die! ♪

Oi! Listen up!

None of you are going back to the hotel tonight,

because we did something today no one thought we could do,

including us!

So we're going out, we're celebrating,

and rub it in this city's fucking face!

[cheering]

Roy! Roy, where are we going?

-Yeah. -Keeley?

[laughter]

Well, Liverpool has much to offer,

from pubs to clubs, to the great Asian pastime of...

♪ I said maybe ♪

♪ Said maybe ♪

♪ You're gonna be the one that saves me ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

♪ And after all ♪

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪

-[cheering] -I'm going for a smoke.

-Can I join you? -Come on.

Thank you, Richmond FC!

[applause]

So what's Marlboro Man's story, then?

Because I wanna grab him by the ears

and ride that little mustache like a jet-ski.

[chuckles] It's so good to see you, Sass.

You too, Stinky.

Oh, God. You know, today would've been my--

Of course, I know. Why do you think I'm here?

I am so sorry.

I'm sorry for disappearing from you, from Nora.

-I really am. -Thank you for saying that.

-Hm. Oh. -Mm.

-God, that man took so much from me. -No.

Rupert is a horrible man

who built an ivory tower he kept you captive in.

But you climbed every single step of that tower on your own.

You're the one who stopped coming home, stopped calling,

who made a 6-year-old girl wonder what she'd done wrong.

I'll always be your biggest defender,

but you have to own up to the part that you played.

-You're right. -Of course I'm right.

-I'm always right. -Not always.

-Most of the time-- -There you are! Fucking hell,

I thought you guys ditched me!

-No! -As if!

Jesus, I didn't know that I had abandonment issues till right now!

Come on, Rebecca. Your song's up next.

-What? -Yeah.

No, I didn't put a song in.

Well, then someone else must've done it for you.

Who could've done that?

-See? You are an arse. -Come on.

[Beard] ♪ In a bad romance ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ah-ah-ah Roma, roma-ma ♪

♪ Gaga, ooh, la, la Want your bad romance ♪

[cheering]

All right, who's next?

-Oh, me, me, me, me! -Wow!

[Flo] Your turn, Rebecca! Get on up here.

God! Okay.

Uh, I don't even know what song I'm singing.

But I would like to dedicate it

-to the best friend a girl could have. -That is me! She's talking about me!

["Let It Go" playing]

This is also dedicated to my goddaughter, Nora.

I love you.

♪ The snow glows white On the mountain tonight ♪

♪ Not a footprint to be seen ♪

♪ A kingdom of isolation ♪

♪ And it looks like I'm the queen ♪

[giggles]

♪ The wind is howling ♪

♪ Like this swirling storm inside ♪

♪ Couldn't keep it in Heaven knows I've tried ♪

[cheering]

♪ Don't let them in, don't let them see ♪

♪ Be the good girl you always have to be ♪

♪ Conceal, don't feel Don't let them know ♪

♪ Well, now they know ♪

♪ Let it go, let it go ♪

♪ Can't hold it back anymore ♪

[singing echoey]

♪ Let it go, let it go ♪

[high pitch ringing]

♪ Turn away and slam the door♪

♪ I don't care what they're going to say ♪

♪ Let the storm rage on ♪

♪ The cold never bothered me anyway ♪

-[ringing in ears] -[dance music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[groaning]

-[Rebecca] Ted. -[Henry] Dad?

[Ted] All right.

[Rebecca] Ted.

Ted.

It's okay.

It's okay.

-Try to breathe. -I can't, I can't.

I can't. I don't know what's going on.

[sobbing] I'm-- I'm sorry!

It's okay. You're having a panic attack.

Just breathe.

[breathing heavily]

Am I going crazy?

No more than anyone else.

All right. You're all right.

There we go.

There we go.

There we go. Come on. Come on.

[breathing heavily]

There we go.

I think I need to call it a night.

Yeah, I-- I-- I should go, gonna go back to the hotel

and get a good night's rest.

-Would you like me to walk back with you? -Oh, no.

-Do you want to take my car? -No, no, no, I'm okay.

Thank you, though. I appreciate it.

-All right. -Okay.

[sighs] Oh, dear.

Oh. Hey, do me a favor. Just...

Just let Beard know I went back to the hotel.

-Of course. -All right.

-Get home safely. -Okay. Thank you.

-All right. -Okay.

♪ I tried for you ♪

♪ Tried to see through All the smoke and dirt ♪

♪ It wouldn't move ♪

♪ What could I do? ♪

♪ I touch your head To pull your thoughts into my hand ♪

♪ But now I can't ♪

♪ Say, isn't it strange? ♪

[cell phone keys clicking]

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

[outgoing text swooshes]

♪ I am still me ♪

♪ You are still you ♪

♪ In the same place ♪

Excuse me, a very drunk man coming through.

-Yeah. -Guys, guys, guys, guys.

-We should take the boys to the pub. -Oh, I am so done, Sass. Sorry.

Think I'm tapping out for the evening, too.

So I have to take 18 young, handsome men all by myself?

Oh, the trauma!

-All right, then, see you later. -Bye. I love you.

I can't find my tropical shirt.

-He's so drunk! -You don't need it.

You won't need it. Come with me.

Right. Want a lift back to the hotel?

Oh, no. Um, I think I'm gonna walk, actually.

Unless you want me to come, because that I can do.

-I'm fine. Really. -Yeah?

Besides, that was yesterday.

[chuckles]

-You're wasting valuable time! -Yeah, yeah. I'm going, I'm going.

♪ How people can change ♪

♪ From strangers to friends ♪

♪ Friends into lovers ♪

♪ And strangers again ♪

Oh, this is me.

I'm sharing the suite with Rebecca.

We've got separate bedrooms, though.

♪ Back to this room ♪

♪ Back to our roots ♪

♪ What did we lose? ♪

Good night.

♪ What did we lose? ♪

♪ If I could, I'd pull your strings ♪

♪ For one more dance ♪

♪ But I can't ♪

[cell phone beeps]

♪ Say, isn't it strange? ♪

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ You look at me, I look at you ♪

♪ With nothing to say ♪

[knocking on door]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

♪ Isn't it strange? ♪

♪ How people can change ♪

♪ From strangers to friends ♪

♪ Friends into lovers ♪

♪ And strangers again ♪