Original subtitles

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(People chatting)

(Sombre instrumental music)

(Music intensifies)

(Music stops abruptly)

(Luka) I think I might be an incel.

(Audience laughs)

- An incel? - You know what an incel is?

It’s an American guy who can’t get a girlfriend,

then shoots up a school.

(Audience laughs)

Well, you don’t have to be American.

(Audience laughs)

Do you really think you have that kind of capacity for violence?

I can’t talk to women without a drink in me.

- Have you tried? - Yes.

And what happens?

They’re not interested.

- I find that hard to believe. - Why?

- You’re a good-looking guy. - No, I’m not.

You are. You're a very handsome young man!

I’m ginger. Women don’t like gingers.

(Audience laughs)

You’re not ginger. You’re blond. With a hint of golden honey.

(Audience laughs)

- Are you gay? - Whoa, hey, come on now...

- No, I don’t have a problem with it. - No, I get it.

I just don’t want you thinking a blowjob’s on the cards.

Well, let me put your mind at rest, Luka. I am not gay.

- OK. - And like you,

- I don’t have a problem with it. - I don’t have a problem with it.

(Mumbles)

My first sponsor was gay.

- Really? - Yeah.

He used to take me to the gay meetings.

- What are the gay meetings? - AA meetings for gay people.

(Audience laughs)

- Gay AA? - Yeah.

(Audience laughs)

- They have gay AA? - Yeah, yeah.

Why?

I suppose to make gay people feel safe.

That makes sense.

The gay meetings were great. The camaraderie, you know?

They're not afraid to share anything, the gays. Really let loose.

I can’t imagine having a gay sponsor.

He was fearless. And he made me fearless too.

We could tell each other anything.

- Did he try it on with you? - No.

What, never?

Not all gay men fancy all straight men, you know.

- Yes, they do. - No, they don’t.

- But all straight men fancy all women. - Do they?

Most women I encounter, I think, "Do I want to sleep with her?" Don't you?

- I’m married. - But you can still think it.

The way I see it, every woman I meet I think, "What’s she like in bed?

What does she look like naked?"

So I assume every gay man who meets me is thinking the same thing.

- Assessing me for sex. - Not everyone thinks like that.

All men do. Gay or straight. All men.

I don’t think so.

He did try it on once.

(Audience bursts out laughing)

- What did he do? - He touched my knee.

- Sexual harassment. - Nah.

- I was flattered by it. - Why were you flattered?

If a woman did it, I’d be flattered.

- Is that all he did? - He also tried to kiss me.

- (Audience laughs) - He kissed you?

- Tried to. - Fucking hell...

He was looking at my lips like he wanted to kiss me.

It's hard to believe, but I was very pretty when I was your age.

So what happened?

He leaned in and I leaned away.

He apologised and we never mentioned it again.

- You kept him on as your sponsor? - He was a great sponsor.

- Did you tell him sex stuff? - Yeah, yeah.

- Like what? - Just about women I fancied.

- Right. - The idea is, with stuff like that,

if you don’t tell someone, your sponsor or whoever,

- you’ll start drinking again. - Right.

It’s basic fourth and fifth step stuff.

- (Mumbles) - The fourth step

you make what’s called "a moral inventory".

A list of everything bad you’ve done in your life,

big or small. Resentments. Fears. Harms done to others.

If you’ve stolen money from your mother, say,

or tried to feel up some girl when she’s passed out at a party.

Whatever. You get it down on paper.

And step five, you share it with someone, your sponsor.

The point is to divest yourself of shame.

Anything that’ll make you pick up a drink in the future.

It’s about getting clean.

Like a confession if you’re Catholic?

It’s a similar, uh... Are you a Catholic?

- No. - OK.

- I’m an atheist. - Were you born Catholic?

- My parents weren’t religious. - OK.

I think my grandpa was a Free Presbyterian.

I’m a recovering Catholic.

(Audience laughs)

- Right. - I don’t think it’s all bad.

It helps some people. My wife goes to church sometimes.

- It seems to help her. - So are you an atheist?

I would say I’m spiritual, not religious.

What does that mean?

Oh. Um...

(Audience laughs)

- I dabble in Buddhism. The Tao. - So then you’re not an atheist?

Well, there’s no god in Buddhism. You have to find your own path.

- But they talk about God in AA. - A god of your own understanding.

- That’s step three. - The third step, exactly.

- It’s still God. - Yeah, but it's like...

that chair could be your god.

I don’t get that.

- A paper cup. Whatever. - How could a paper cup be God?

The point is you don’t have to believe in the Christian God.

It’s God as you understand him.

I don’t get it. I just don’t believe in God.

Never have, never will. Even if he is a paper cup.

(Audience laughs)

What is the point in believing in a paper cup?

Yeah, well, just... Keep an open mind, you know.

So, if I don’t believe in God, am I going to get drunk?

Well, some people believe you need a spiritual awakening

to have any hope of staying sober.

If you read the Big Book, there was a famous psychologist called Carl Jung.

He believed that.

Do you think I need a spiritual awakening?

I think it helps, but I’ve never had one.

- Never? - Mm.

I suppose becoming a father was a kind of awakening for me.

Ah. How many kids do you have?

Just the one. A son. He’s at uni now in Bristol.

- What’s he like? - Oh, he’s terrific.

We’re very close. We can talk about anything.

- That’s great. - Yeah, he’s like my best friend.

- What about your wife? - What about my wife?

- Is it nice to have a wife? - Eh...

(Audience bursts out laughing)

It has its ups and downs, like anything.

- I'd like to have a wife someday. - You will.

And a coupla kids.

- I’m sure you will. - You think?

If that’s what you want. My sponsor used to say,

"The programme offers you a life beyond your wildest dreams."

Now, I thought he meant riches and material success.

I’ve had some of that, but really what AA has given me

is the ability to be an attentive father,

a loving husband. That was beyond my wildest dreams.

I was hoping I could get a woman sponsor.

(Audience laughs)

OK.

I think I need a mother figure in my life.

I think that’s probably a mistake.

- Why? - Generally speaking,

members of the opposite sex shouldn’t sponsor each other.

- Why not? - Attraction becomes an issue.

I see.

I get the feeling your father wasn’t a very positive role model.

- My dad? - Yeah.

- My dad was a cunt. - OK.

- He used to beat my mum up. - God, right...

- In front of me when I was a kid. - That's terrible. I’m sorry.

- He died when I was 11. - Was he a drinker?

- Oh, aye. He was an alcoholic. - It’s a family illness. It’s genetic.

That’s why I go to the meetings... I don’t want to end up like him.

Good for you. And, listen, I feel like you asking if I was gay...

- I didn’t mean to offend you. - No, you didn’t.

But it's like you thought there was some kind of transaction here.

A blowjob. Like I couldn’t like you for you.

I get the impression, Luka,

that every man who’s ever been in your life

has betrayed you

so you have difficulty trusting men.

Older men.

- Yeah. - Mm?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

So there you go. You need a positive male role model in your life.

One who’s not gonna mess you around.

So how many meetings should I go to?

As many as you can, as often as you can.

I was thinking of doing six meetings a week.

- Right. - (Audience laughs)

A meeting every day. Gym in the morning,

look for work in the afternoon, and a meeting at night.

- Good plan. - Go to the cinema on a Sunday.

- Yeah, have a day off. - Yeah.

(Audience laughs)

I love the movies.

Ah, me too. What kind of movies do you like?

- Anything violent. - Oh, right.

(Audience laughs)

- Like, horror. Extreme horror. - I don’t like horror.

- Korean horror. Japanese horror. - I don’t like subtitles.

Or anything gangster like Goodfellas, The Godfather.

Yeah, that’s more my kind of... up my street.

- Chinatown. Deer Hunter. - Now we’re talking.

Or like, Taxi Driver. I love Robert De Niro.

Me too. Raging Bull.

- "You fuck my wife?" - (Chuckles) Yeah.

- "You fuck my wife?" - That's good.

"How can you ask me that? Your own brother."

- That's... Yeah. - "You’re very smart, Joey.

You give me all these answers but you ain’t give me the right answers.

I’mma ask you again. You fuck my wife?"

Yeah...

Where were we? Um... Yes. Uh, the important thing

is to get involved with the programme of recovery, the steps.

- "The 12 Steps". - That’s how you stay sober.

Work the programme. It works if you work it.

But you can’t do it alone. That’s why you need a sponsor.

But how do I know who to ask to be my sponsor?

You want someone with a bit of experience.

I would advise ask someone with at least ten years' sobriety

under their belt.

- Your sponsor, the gay one? - Yeah?

- Is he still around today? - Nah.

- No, he died years ago. - Oh.

- Sorry to hear that. - Yeah, well...

I hadn’t spoken to him for years.

- Years and years. - Hm.

He was an arsonist.

- What? - He was an arsonist.

- A convicted arsonist. Here. - Seriously?

Yeah. He got sober in a mental prison.

"A home for the criminally insane", he called it.

- He sounds like a Batman villain. - He did look a bit like the Joker.

Heath Ledger or Joaquin Phoenix?

More like the guy in the 60s one.

- Oh, Cesar Romero. - He used to get drunk

and burn down buildings in Crewe.

He told a story of how he read the Big Book in the prison library

and he realised he wasn’t mental, he was just an alcoholic.

He told the parole board that and they let him out.

That night, when he touched my knee,

there was a fire nearby.

(Audience laughs)

He was driving me home.

And we passed a load of fire engines.

Years later, I read how arsonists get turned on

by fire engines.

You know arsonists, they’ll set the fire, and then they’ll go somewhere

and watch the fire engines arrive

and then they’ll...

...you know, they'll pleasure themselves in the bushes nearby.

(Audience laughs)

- Seriously? - I read that somewhere, yeah.

The chaos they cause, the havoc, it sexually excites them.

So I sometimes wonder if it wasn’t my lips or my knee

that got him excited, it was the fire engines!

- That’s mental. - Mm.

It’s a mental illness, innit?

- James... - Hm?

Um...

Will you be my sponsor?

Course I will, yeah.

- Course. - OK.

OK.

(Quiet instrumental music)

(Music distorts)

(Music stops)

OK. Luka... Hey, hey, don't do that!

Put it down.

Settle.

Settle.

What's going on?

What’s happening? Talk to me.

Just, uh... (Sniffles)

Just having a bit of a hard time.

It’s all about sharing.

That’s what we do. Talk.

I feel so alone.

Well, I’m here now, I’m here.

I don’t belong in this world. I...

I should just...

(Luka chuckles nervously)

- Look at me. - Fuck.

Oi, look at me.

(Exhales)

What's going on?

What’s happening? Talk to me.

I can’t live like this. I can’t live like this.

OK.

OK. I’m listening.

You know, I was...

I was on my way here and I passed by this river

and I started thinking how easy it would be to just fucking jump in it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know. And then...

- And then there’d be no pain. - I hear what you’re saying.

I’ve been there.

Lots of people in AA have been there too.

- We can help you. I can help you. - No-one can help me.

- That’s not true. - How can you help me?

We talk about it. That’s what we do. It’s a talking illness. So we talk.

- But I’m not good at talking. - There’s hope for you. I promise you.

There's a future for you. There is a happy future.

- And talking’s gonna make that happen? - It’s where we start, yeah.

- (Exhales) - Hey.

Come on. Sit down.

So what’s made you feel like this?

(Sniffles)

I was in the pub last night with my friends.

- You were in a pub? - I wasn’t drinking.

OK, good, OK.

And... And they were goading me, you know?

- Goading you? - Yeah.

You know, like, "Why are you going to AA? You weren’t that bad."

Right. Yeah.

Another one said, "You can have one drink."

They don’t understand that people like us can’t have one drink.

Your friends are uneducated.

- I thought they’d be on my side. - Yeah.

I thought they’d support me.

It takes a bit of adjustment for your friends.

They’ve known you one way, it’s hard to get used to the new you.

- That’s why you need AA. - Yeah.

Sober friends. Friends who understand what you’re going through.

There’s a saying, "Stay out of wet places."

- Wet places being pubs? - We don’t belong there.

But what is wrong with being in a pub and having, like, a Diet Coke?

Well, you don’t go to a brothel for a kiss, do you?

(Audience laughs)

They were laughing cos I was drinking a chamomile tea.

Oh, fuck 'em.

No, they were, they were all like, "Ooh!"

Yeah, well...

- Like meaning I was gay. - No, I got that, yeah.

Well, the culture we live in,

drinking's associated with masculinity.

You go to Paris or Brazil,

no one gives a fuck if you’re drinking a chamomile tea.

Hm.

But to make it easier, if you find yourself in a pub in the future,

- try drinking a non-alcoholic beer. - I fucking hate non-alcoholic beer.

- Me too. - What is the point of that?

I know what you mean.

Better to avoid the pub completely, Luka.

Yeah.

And your friends, your old drinking friends,

- they’re not real friends. - They’re not, are they?

You know, talking about being married someday...

If you’re sober, if you’re going to the gym,

eating healthy, you’re gonna look better

than a guy who’s had ten pints.

Pale skin, red eyes, big beer belly, you know.

(Laughing) Yeah, yeah. That's true. Yeah.

Yeah.

Erm...

I really need a woman, James.

I know you do. But actually you don’t.

Cos they’re a distraction.

You need to focus on your recovery, not relationships.

Everyone keeps saying this to me. Like Irish Frank. You know Irish Frank?

Love Irish Frank, a good mate of mine.

- He said that to me. - Well, listen to Irish Frank.

God is putting people in your path.

I know we don’t believe in God, but you believe in people.

Right? People exist. So listen to people.

And love, man, love can fuck your head up.

It doesn’t need to be love, I just need to have sex.

Yeah, but for people like us, once we have sex,

it’s very hard

for the heart not to get involved.

Alcoholics tend to fall in love easily.

I fall in love all the time.

Even without sex.

If I see a woman at the gym

and she's got a nice arse, I want to marry her.

- Just for her arse. - I get where you’re coming from.

I had a job interview the other day,

and the woman interviewing me was a MILF.

She had this really tight top on, so her tits looked massive.

And I couldn’t stop looking at them cos I love tits.

And the whole time talking to her,

I'm trying to maintain eye contact

but really I’m just thinking, "What would she do if I was to reach over,

pull her top down and start sucking on her tits?"

(Audience laughs)

She’d be very alarmed, I’d say.

(Audience laughs)

And then she asked me a question and I couldn't answer

cos all I could think about was sucking on her big fucking tits.

And then I wonder why I can’t get a job.

(Audience laughs)

Do you have issues with boundaries?

I don’t know what that means.

Just not having good boundaries.

Letting people push you around, for example.

Yeah, I'm like that.

- Or oversharing. - What is that?

That is like standing at a bus stop

with a stranger and telling them your life story.

Yeah, that’s me. I do that.

So that is not having healthy boundaries.

And this is common with most alcoholics.

- You ever heard of codependency? - No.

Codependency is like a relationship addiction.

You become addicted to the other person, like love addiction.

God, yeah, I’m like that.

So there you go. You need to be wary of relationships.

Romantic entanglements.

But see all these people that tell me to stay out of relationships?

- They’re all married. - Right.

-They’re all like you, older married men. - Yeah.

It doesn’t seem fair or right

they’re telling me not to get emotionally involved with women,

but, nay offence, it’s all right for you cos you’ve got pussy-on-tap.

(Audience laughs)

- What? - Pussy-on-tap.

I’ve got what?

- Pussy on tap. - What does that mean?

- You can have sex any time you want. - How?

Cos you've got pussy-on-tap.

(Audience laughs)

Oh! Pussy on tap. Right.

I get it now. Sorry. I don’t like the word "pussy".

- What do you call it? - What do I call what?

- Your wife’s vagina. - I don’t call it anything.

(Audience laughs)

- You must have a name for it. - Luka!

I'm not really comfortable talking to you about this.

Right, OK. I respect that.

That’s what you mean by boundaries.

- Yes. - Right.

I’m starting to get it now.

And for what it’s worth, Luka, I’ve been married almost 20 years.

It is not, believe me, "pussy-on-tap".

(Audience laughs)

The well has run dry, you know what I'm saying?

- Your wife’s vagina’s too dry? - No. No. That's not what I meant.

No.

No. I meant that the...

The grass is always greener, you know?

- Are you talking about pubic hair? - What?

- Like, the grass. - No, I meant--

- Older women have more hair down there. - No.

- I actually prefer a hairy bush. - Jesus Christ!

(Audience laughs)

All I’m saying, right... All I’m saying

is that you’re comparing the inside of you

with the outside of other people.

- Right. Right. OK. - Yeah.

- Sorry. - No, you're all right.

I mean, the truth is, James, I'm...

I’m lonely. Like, I'm...

I’m fucking lonely.

- I know. Hey. - Yeah.

- Luka... - Hm.

- I know. - Hm.

(Luka chuckles)

Have you tried meditation like I suggested?

- Yeah. - How did you find it?

- Well, it didn’t help. - OK.

I kept thinking about porn.

Porn is another way to fill up the emptiness.

Yeah. That’s what I like about it.

(Audience laughs)

- Is it a problem? - What, porn?

- Yeah. - No.

OK.

- What? - (Chuckles)

It doesn’t cost me as much as drink does.

Mm-hm.

Like, the only cost is, maybe it makes me feel a bit ashamed.

Like, when I watch too much of it, it makes me feel... bereft.

- Bereft! - Yeah.

Sometimes I think,

"You’re never gonna find a girlfriend if you keep watching this."

- It isolates you. - Mm-hm.

- Makes you feel more lonely. - Mm-hm.

Most of the time I just think, "This is harmless."

How much of it do you watch?

What, like a day or...?

- A day? - (Audience laughs)

- I don’t know, like, 20 times a day. - Whoa.

Twenty?

- Is that a lot? - Yeah. I’d say so, yeah.

OK.

I don’t know how to put this delicately, Luka, but are you...

pleasuring yourself 20 times a day?

- What, wanking? - Hm.

- Yeah. Course I am. - Twenty times a day?

- Yes. - But it’s not a problem?

- No! - OK.

(Audience laughs)

- Why, do you think that’s too much? - It certainly sounds like a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

Are you showering after every time you do it?

(Audience laughs)

- What? Why would I shower? - Cos it can’t be very hygienic.

If I showered every time I had a wank,

I’d just be showering and wanking all day.

- (Audience laughs) - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

(Laughter continues)

- I’d never get anything done. - Uh-huh.

(Audience laughs)

Have you considered abstaining?

Abstaining from porn?

Abstaining from masturbation completely.

- Fuck off, James! - No, I’m serious.

No, fuck that... Right. Great. Right...

So... So, I’ve no girlfriend, I've no wife,

I can't have a drink, I'm not allowed to go to the pub,

and now you are telling me I have to stop wanking.

- Not telling you, just suggesting. - I do not care for that suggestion.

OK, well... It might help you get a girlfriend.

- You think? - It might. Yeah. And a job.

Just think of all the energy you’re expending. And time.

Do people really do that though? Abstain from wanking?

- Yes. - Who do you know that does that?

I do.

- You do? - Yep.

You abstain from...?

- I abstain from masturbation, yes. - Nah. Are you serious?

- Totally. Yeah. - You don’t watch porn?

I’ve never liked porn.

What do you do if you've got a massive erection that needs attention?

I have sex with my wife.

- But you said her pussy's all dried up. - I didn't say that!

You said that!

(Audience laughs)

Right, OK. How often do you and your wife have sex?

Usually, on average,

about once every four months.

(Audience laughs)

Ha.

(Audience laughs)

- You only have sex three times a year? - About that, yeah.

My birthday, her birthday...

(Audience laughs)

Uh... Around Christmas if there’s time.

- That’s nothing. - More than you’re having.

(Audience bursts out laughing)

(Applause)

I don't think I could abstain from masturbation.

I think I'd actually die.

Like, I need to come like I need to breathe, man.

You only think that in the same way, a couple of months ago,

you couldn’t have imagined a life without alcohol.

- But really it’s easy, isn’t it? - It’s the same with wanking?

- Yes! It's true. - I don’t believe you.

- No, I couldn't... - OK.

- Well... - No, I couldn’t do that.

I’m not telling you what to do, but watching porn...

masturbating to pornography

twenty times a day,

that is no kind of life.

It leaves you bereft, lonely...

They're your words not mine, so...

What would I do with my hands?

(Audience laughs)

Lift weights.

Or I remember hearing that nuns, Catholic nuns, they’d knit.

- Knit? - To ward off temptation.

Keep their hands busy. You could do the same.

- You think I should take up knitting? - Why not?

I think I’ll try weights.

(Swoosh)

(Skipping rope whistling)

(Gym equipment clangs)

(Skipping rope and clanging continue)

(Noises stop)

- (Panting) I feel amazing. - Good!

- I haven’t masturbated for ten days. - Great news.

- Thank you. - Congratulations.

I was about to whap it out one afternoon and I thought,

"Why are you doing this? This isn't making you happy."

What an insight to have about yourself.

That is recovery in action.

Yeah, it’s like I got off the hamster wheel.

Oh, yes, you got...

- Exactly. What a great way to put it! - Thanks.

You were a little hamster and you got off the wheel!

- Well done! - But James, something else happened.

- Something supernatural. - Supernatural?

- I had a dream. - Oh, yeah.

- And you were in it! - Was I?

- Yeah, but not for long. - Oh.

- What was I doing? - You were dressed as a giant bunny rabbit.

(Laughs)

- You were eating an Easter egg. - I do have a penchant for chocolate.

- Your wife was there too. - My wife?

- And your son. - You’ve never met my wife and son.

- I was in Galilee. - Galilee?

And I placed my feet, my bare feet, in a river, right? You'd gone by then.

There was no one there. I was entirely alone.

- Mm. - And I was crying.

Like, I wept.

Sobbed. Sobbed like I haven’t sobbed since my mother died.

- I didn’t know your mother was dead. - She died when I was 17.

I’m sorry.

You know that way of crying when you're letting go.

- Like you’re mourning? - That kind of crying.

- But then who appeared? - Who appeared?

- Jesus. - Jesus?

And Jesus said, "Those that are crying will later be laughing."

(Audience laughs)

"Those that are crying will later be laughing?"

- That’s what he said. - That’s in the Bible.

- Is it? - The Sermon on the Mount?

- I felt bad for not knowing that. - Well, you are an atheist.

- Not anymore. - What?

No. I can’t be an atheist after what’s happened.

- The dream? - It wasn’t just the dream.

- What do you mean? - So, I went to the gym...

- Hang... When was this? Today? - Like, three days ago.

- So Monday? - Fuck. Three.

- What? - Three is meaningful, isn’t it?

(Audience laughs)

Like, three days to rise again.

- What happened at the gym? - Right.

- So, I was on the treadmill, right? - Right.

- Guess who walked in. - Who?

- You’ll never guess. - Who?

- Willem Dafoe. - Who?

- Willem Dafoe. - Who’s William Dafoe?

- No. Willem Dafoe. - Who’s Willem Dafoe?

- The actor, James. He’s an actor. - Oh, right. What’s he been in?

The Last Temptation of Christ.

(Audience laughs)

- No, I never saw that. - (Clicks fingers) Mississippi Burning.

Uh... No.

Eh... Platoon.

- Oh! I know who you mean! - You know?

- He’s a good actor, that guy. - He’s brilliant.

But what would he be doing round here?

That was my first thought. Maybe he's making a movie?

- Oh, shit. Yeah. - But it gets even crazier, right?

Because he climbs onto the treadmill beside mine.

- Hm. - And I say nothing.

I’m running alongside him, but I decide to allow him his privacy.

Who wants some nobody, some cunt like me being all,

- "Can I have a selfie?" - He’d probably like it.

But then I notice, right,

he is running at exactly the same speed as me.

- Hm. - Like, whatever speed I go at,

Willem Dafoe copies me.

He doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t acknowledge me,

- but he copies my speed. - Wow, very strange.

- Speed. - Huh?

- That has meaning. - Speed?

- The movie? - Was he in Speed?

He was in Speed 2.

- I never saw Speed 2. - That has meaning.

- I heard it wasn’t very good. - I start running really fast.

I push the treadmill up to its highest speed.

- Like I was testing him. - You were testing Willem Dafoe?

- If it was Willem Dafoe. - So it wasn’t Willem Dafoe.

Well, he matched me for speed. However hard I ran, he ran faster.

We both pushed our treadmills to the maximum speed

and he’s running faster and faster, like...

I’ve never seen anyone run so fast. So fast I could hardly see him.

- Was anyone else there? - No.

- We were the only people in the gym. - OK.

I start to slow down. I can’t handle it anymore.

But he slows too. And we both start to go at a walking pace.

Again, in tandem.

I’m knackered, right,

but Willem Dafoe looks like he hasn’t broken a sweat.

Throughout this, he’s stone-faced.

So I’m thinking, "I have to say something."

So, I turn to him and say... I’m out of breath, but I say,

"Mr Dafoe, I love your work. Thank you for all the joy

you’ve given the people of Scotland over the decades."

I know that's strange to say, but I’m not used to meeting celebrities.

- What did he say to that? - Nothing.

- He just... He just smiled. - Hm.

But like, the biggest, most beautiful smile

I’ve ever seen in my life.

He offered me his hand to shake and I took it in mine.

He has got the most gentle hands.

Like the hands of, like a... an aristocratic lady.

Or a sad child, right?

(Audience laughs)

And then he just left.

Blimey. (Chuckles)

(Audience laughs)

- Can I say something here? - Yeah.

- I feel like you don’t believe me. - Really?

- I feel like you’re smirking. - I’m not smirking.

- There’s a touch of sarcasm. - I’m sorry if I appear sarcastic.

- I’ve had a meaningful experience. - I believe you.

- There it is again. - I’m not being sarcastic!

I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable for the first time in my life

and you’re spitting in my face, laughing at me.

Hey, hey. Hey. Hey. No, I’m not laughing at you, OK?

I promise you I'm not being sarcastic.

Please carry on.

Please.

So I was leaving the gym, right?

I turned to the guy at reception and said,

I can’t believe it. Did you see who was in the gym?

He's like, "Who?" I say, "Willem Dafoe."

He says, "Who’s Willem Dafoe?"

I say, "He played the Green Goblin in Spider-Man."

Cos if you’re not really a film fan, that’s where you know him from.

The guy looks at me blankly.

I get frustrated and he goes, "Calm down, I just started my shift."

So he turns to the other guy at the desk and says,

"Have you seen a movie star come in?"

The other guy says, "Movie star?"

I said, "I don’t know if you’d call him a movie star as such.

He’s more of a highly-regarded, ubiquitous character actor."

(Audience laughs)

But the other guy says,

"No one’s been in the gym all morning except you."

- So... - So.

So... What are you saying here, Luka? It wasn’t Willem Dafoe?

It wasn’t Willem Dafoe.

- So who were you talking to? - That’s the question.

(Audience laughs)

- Who do you think you were talking to? - Who do you think I think I was talking to?

Jesus?

I believe I encountered Jesus, yes.

(Audience laughs)

Now, that is a spiritual awakening, motherfucker!

(♪ Pastor T. L. Barrett: "I Shall Wear a Crown")

♪ I shall wear a crown (♪ Yeah)

♪ I shall wear a crown (♪ I shall wear a crown)

♪ I shall wear a crown (♪ Lord God)

♪ I shall wear a crown (♪ When the trumpet sounds)

♪ When the trumpet sounds (♪ Hey, hey)

♪ When the trumpet sounds (♪ When the trumpet sounds)

♪ When the trumpet sounds (♪ Yes, I will)

♪ When the trumpet sounds (♪ I shall see His face)

♪ I shall see His face (♪ Lord, Lord)

♪ I shall see His face (♪ I shall see His face)

♪ I shall see His face (♪ Yeah)

♪ I shall see His face (♪ Sing "Amazing Grace")

♪ Sing "Amazing Grace" (♪ My song will be)

♪ Sing "Amazing Grace" (♪ Sing "Amazing Grace")

♪ Sing "Amazing Grace" (♪ Yeah)

♪ Sing "Amazing Grace" (♪ Watch ye)

♪ Watch ye, therefore (♪ Therefore)

♪ You know not the day (♪ You know, Lord God)

♪ When the Lord shall (♪ When the Lord shall)

♪ Call your soul away (♪ If you)

♪ If you labour

(♪ Strivin') ♪ Strivin' for the right

(♪ You shall) ♪ You shall wear

♪ A golden crown (♪ Oh, yeah)

♪ Oh ♪

I mean, he’s nearly 20!

Don’t you think it’s about time he had his own fucking Spotify account?

(Audience laughs)

- Yeah, I guess so. - And the shit that he listens to.

Why? What does he listen to?

- Rap. - Rap?

- Do you like rap? - I do, actually.

I don’t know how anyone really likes rap.

I didn't bring him up to listen to garbage.

It’s violent. It's misogynistic. It's corrupting.

That’s a very old-fashioned view of hip hop.

"Smack a bitch in the arse

and stab your granny in her fanny with a pitchfork." No.

- (Audience laughs) - Nah, nah, nah.

Yeah, I don’t think any rapper’s ever said that.

- Oh, no, wait. Maybe Eminem. - It’s dispiriting.

It undermines the soul.

You should listen to Kendrick Lamar, very uplifting.

I fucking hate Spotify.

I miss vinyl. If we lived in a world of vinyl,

he’d have to buy his own fucking records.

I tell you, one day you’re watching over them

in a soft play worrying they’re going to disappear under all the balls.

And then you blink, they’re home from university

and fucking up your algorithm. Where does it go?

(Shouting) Where does it go?

- (Chuckles) - What's funny?

- No, nothing. - Come on. What?

Remember I said I had the dream where you were a bunny rabbit?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I keep imagining you dressed up as one.

- What, a bunny? - Yeah.

- I’m dressed as a bunny now? - In my mind’s eye.

- Your mind’s eye? - My imagination.

Well, could you stop imagining me like that?

Yeah, I don’t think I can. Sorry.

- (Audience laughs) - Take your time.

- I’m so sorry, James. - No, it’s fine.

You know, my sponsor used to say...

"If you don’t enjoy your sobriety, you will start drinking again."

That’s the bottom line.

Oh, my God. Do you want some of this cake?

- What is it? - Carrot cake.

(Audience laughs)

What?

(Laughter continues)

- (Mumbles) - No, James, don't... No, no, no.

- James, don’t go! - Luka, I’ve got things to do.

- I can’t be doing with this fucking juvenilia. - OK. I’m sorry.

I was really looking forward to seeing you. I’ll stop laughing.

And stop imagining me as a bunny rabbit?

Yes.

You promise?

(Audience laughs)

Just give me a minute.

We are... very sensitive people,

alcoholics.

Quick to take offence.

I always felt like, even as boy,

I felt too much, you know?

I would cry very easily. Weep.

But this world, this country, the part of it I grew up in,

it fucking hardens you.

- Yeah, same here. - Part of the journey of recovery

is accessing your inner child again.

- What do you mean? - Becoming that little boy again.

- That little boy that was bullied. - You were bullied?

- That’s what I’m saying. - I was too.

And when you're bullied, when you are maligned...

Yeah.

...you lose that softness, that vulnerability, that innocence.

- Yeah. - Shush.

And distrust enters. Cynicism.

You tell that little boy, "You’re safe now." Right?

"All that stuff that happened to you before, I will protect you from it now."

- Yeah. - You become the father to yourself...

(Sighs) ...that you needed.

"You become the father to yourself that you needed."

In my case, that is the opposite of my father.

What was your father like?

I’ll tell you what he wasn’t like. Understanding.

He wasn’t compassionate. He wasn’t forgiving.

- I feel like I never saw him laugh. - You could be talking about my dad.

I made a vow long ago never to turn into my dad.

- Same here. - I’m proud to say I’ve managed that.

With my own son, I’m loving, I’m attentive, I'm open.

- That’s so great. - He’s like my best friend.

We can talk about anything.

I’m demonstrative. I hug my son.

Always have! Even now, when he doesn’t want me to hug him anymore.

(Audience laughs)

- My dad never hugged me. - My dad was an old cunt.

He was a cock-sucking motherfucking piece of shit cunt.

- Yeah, mine too. - Yeah, you told me.

My dad threw my mum down the stairs when I was about five.

I watched it all. Shaking so much I thought I was gonna die.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You told me all this, but we’re talking about me now. My father.

- Right. - It’s not all about you.

- OK. - You have to learn that in recovery.

Alcoholics, we’re very selfish, we're self-absorbed.

- Yeah. - Only thinking about ourselves.

- OK. - We have to learn to listen.

The world does not revolve around Luka.

Stop thinking about yourself. That is a sure-fire way to get drunk.

- Yeah, totally. - Hm.

Erm...

I was thinking I could make sandwiches for the homeless.

What?

That’s what Jesus said to do in the Bible.

(Audience laughs)

They didn’t have sandwiches in Jesus’s time.

They were invented by the Earl of Sandwich. That's why they're called sandwiches.

- Yeah, but... - The House of fucking Montagu.

Everyone you meet could be Christ in disguise.

So treat everyone as you would treat Christ.

(Scoffs) Yeah, well...

"Whatever you have done for the least of my brethren,

you have done for me."

This is why I prefer Buddhism, there’s no God to save you.

- You have to figure it out for yourself. - You said God was a paper cup.

- That's not what I said. - I can’t relate to a paper cup.

Because, to me, Jesus is real. He walks with me.

I can talk to him. You can’t say that about a paper cup.

I didn't literally mean that God is a paper cup.

That would be nonsense. Just like you don’t literally think

that Christ was born of a virgin, do you?

- Well... - Or that you met him at the gym.

- I did meet Jesus at the gym. - You see, you didn’t though, did you?

- Who do you think it was? - A guy who looked like William Dafoe.

- Willem Dafoe. - Willem Dafoe.

You’re the one that told me I needed a spiritual awakening.

- Yes, but this-- - Now you’re trying to take it away.

I’m not trying to take anything away from you.

- You’re meant to be my sponsor. - And as your sponsor,

I also have a duty of care towards you.

A what?

I have to voice my concerns about your mental health.

You think I’m mental?

I think if you genuinely think

that you... physically met Jesus,

then, yeah, I think you might have a mental health issue.

It’s better than believing in a paper cup.

I don’t believe in a paper cup! I believe...

The point about the paper cup is that God can be anything.

A lot of people, who come to AA, right,

hear the word "God" and they want to run away.

You’ve no idea, you’re young and poorly educated.

You've no understanding of the damage that the Catholic church,

and the Protestant church, have done to people.

It’s about escaping from that.

So, yeah, if it saves someone’s life, if it keeps them in the fellowship,

then God is a paper cup. Or a chair. Or a doorknob. Whatever.

James, if you look at the Bible, if you read the Bible--

- Sorry, the Bible? - Yes, the Bible.

Psalm 22 verse 10.

"From my mother’s womb you have been my God."

See, when I read that, it makes me think of my mum,

of my dad kicking the fuck out of my mum when I was in her belly.

I shouldn’t be here, James. I should be dead.

Someone was looking out for me. Someone was protecting me.

And thousands of years ago, in a desert in ancient Jerusalem,

some mad wee guy in, like, a divinely-inspired state

wrote those words down.

And, what, you think that's just a coincidence?

That those very same words

just happened to have found their way into my hands

to speak to me and resonate with me today?

You don’t think a higher power needed me to hear that?

When Jesus talks directly to me through the Gospels

telling me that I can’t add a single hour to my life by worrying...

(Sighs) Oh, I find that reassuring.

And not cos it's easy, but because it's true.

When you place your life and your cares in God’s hands, things get better.

It works.

And that is the same with AA.

People have said, "This worked for us. Try this."

That’s all Christianity is.

That’s all any religion is.

You can’t say that about a paper cup.

(James) Fucking...!

(Audience laughs)

OK. Paedophilia, man.

Global paedophilia.

The damage that’s been done to children,

abusing their trust, and their innocence...

I’m not just talking about sexual abuse,

but mental abuse, physical abuse...

With this... this mythology,

with these lies,

this shame injected into their veins

from before they can even walk.

It’s unforgivable.

And besides paedophilia, as if that wasn't enough,

well, what is the legacy of organised religion?

- The persecution of homosexuals. - Oh.

The oppression of women. Slavery.

- The Holocaust. - Well...

YES! The Holocaust!

There’s a direct line between the Holocaust and the Gospel of John,

blaming the Jews for the crucifixion of Christ.

So, yeah, I say to hell with your Christianity.

I’d rather fucking have a paper cup.

- (Clears his throat) - Look, James, I'm sorry

if you had a terrible experience with the Catholic Church growing up.

I don't know. Maybe you got a finger up the arse from an errant priest

when you were nine or ten, I don’t know.

But you cannot blame Jesus for that because Jesus himself said,

"Anyone who harms a child,

it would be better if a millstone was put around their neck

and they were thrown into the sea."

That’s what Jesus thinks of paedophile priests. You can't blame him.

Sorry, Luka, just to clarify,

did Jesus say that in the Bible

or did he say that when he was using the seated leg press

in your local branch of PureGym?

(Audience laughs)

It was the treadmill.

(Audience laughs)

(James sighs)

Even if I didn’t actually meet Jesus at the gym, who cares?

Because that’s... that's not the point, the...

The point is that Christ is in my life now.

- Oh, fucking hell. - He lives in my heart.

And when I pray, He answers me.

And thanks to Jesus, thanks to God,

thanks to AA, and thanks to you, James...

- Oh, wow. - ...my life has meaning.

For the first time in my life I have hope.

So, like...

You have to ask yourself, James,

what the fuck is going on in your sick fucking head

that means that you are actually trying to take that away from me.

I’m not trying to take anything away from you.

I'm trying... OK.

- Can you sit down? - I don't want to sit down.

- I have to talk to you about something. - Oh, yeah? What?

It’s come to my attention you’ve been lying to me.

- Lying? - Yeah.

Well, I haven’t.

You have.

- I don’t think so. - It seems you have.

- If I have been lying, I’m not aware of it. - Well, you have been.

About something... big.

- Big? - Very big.

OK. What is it then?

Sit.

I was at the Sunday night meeting at St Peter’s.

- You know the one I mean? - I like that meeting.

I ran into Irish Frank. You know Irish Frank?

- Yeah. - He asked how you were.

- Right. - I said I hadn’t seen you in a while.

- OK. - And he said he saw you in a pub.

- A pub? - He walked past his local

and you were sitting at the window.

Yeah.

- What were you doing in a pub? - I was having a coffee.

Irish Frank says you were drinking a beer and you were pissed.

- No, I wasn’t. - You were wasted.

- Irish Frank says you were like this. - Not true.

He waved and you couldn’t even see him, you were so drunk.

- It’s not true. - Listen, son, don’t lie to me.

- Son? - I don’t like being lied to.

(Sighs)

I was drinking a non-alcoholic beer, OK?

- You don’t like non-alcoholic beer. - I was trying it.

And I was not wasted, I was exhausted.

I’d overdone it at the gym.

- This was a Sunday. - So?

You don’t go to the gym on a Sunday, you go to the cinema.

- Why is this any business of yours? - Luka, Luka, this...

...is a programme of honesty.

Just tell me the truth.

I saw Irish Frank coming and I blanked him.

- You blanked Irish Frank? - Yes.

Why would you blank Irish Frank?

- Cos I don’t like Irish Frank. - That's bollocks.

- No, that is true. - Everyone likes Irish Frank!

How could you not like Irish Frank? He’s Irish!

(Audience laughs)

Cos he’s a dick.

And he’s not even Irish, he’s from Dunfermline.

(Audience laughs)

Look...

(Sighs) Like, the tr...

The truth is...

I didn’t want him to see who I was with.

- Who were you with? - A girl.

- A girl? - A woman.

What woman?

That is why I was drinking a non-alcoholic beer,

I didn’t want her to know I was an alcoholic.

I wanted to appear normal.

And I might have looked drunk to Frank

cos I was knackered from sex, OK?

(Audience laughs)

We had sex ten times and then we went for a burger and chips.

- Ten times? - Yeah.

You had sex ten times?

Why not, right? I’m young. I’m fit. And I have not had sex in ages.

James, look at me, right?

I look great. Do I look like I’ve been drinking?

No.

No, you don’t.

No, cos I’ve been too busy fucking to even think about drinking.

All right, I believe you.

Thank you.

(James laughs)

- So... - What?

Mm... You got a girlfriend now?

Oh, no, she’s not a girlfriend. It’s more of a...

- An arrangement. - How did you meet her?

- Why do you need to know that? - Just tell me.

- At church. - Church?

Yeah, I’ve started going to church.

Did you ask her out? Did she ask you? What...?

Oh, no, there wasn't any asking out, really.

We were at a Bible study group one night...

(Audience laughs)

...and it was raining, so she offered me a lift home.

And then, next thing I knew we were kissing in the rain.

- Right. - And then...

Then what?

We did it in her car.

- You had sex? - Yeah.

- In her car? - Yeah.

After a Bible study?

(Audience laughs)

- Yes! - Well, church has changed since my day.

(Audience laughs)

Cos in your church they’re only interested in having sex with wee kids.

(Audience laughs)

- Sorry. - No, you’re all right.

- I shouldn’t have said that. - It’s not inaccurate.

No, I’m actually very ecumenical, James.

I know some Catholics that are quite good Christians.

(Audience laughs quietly)

I’m not even Catholic.

- I’ve really needed this, James. - Yes, I know you have, Luka.

And I’m very relieved you’re not drinking.

I am not drinking.

- But it is concerning. - There’s no need to be concerned.

This could be very dangerous for your recovery.

It won’t be.

I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship.

- It’s not a relationship. - Emotional attachments

will get you drunk.

I won’t get emotionally attached to her.

I can’t.

- What do you mean, you can’t? - Right. Don’t go nuts about this.

- (Audience laughs) - What?

She’s married.

(Audience laughs)

- So, it’s just about sex. - What about her husband?

- What about him? - Do you know him?

- No. - Is he in the church with her?

No, he doesn’t go to church. He’s actually very anti-Christian.

Is he?

We don’t really talk about him that much, James.

But I know that they're unhappy.

And they don’t have sex very much anymore, she says.

What age is she?

I don’t know, like 50.

- Old enough to be your mother. - Yeah, that’s my type.

- Luka... - (Audience laughs)

- This is... - It’s fine.

It's not fine! It's far from fucking fine!

I can’t sanction this.

I can no longer be your sponsor unless you end it with this woman.

- What, you serious? - Yeah. Yeah, I’m serious.

You want to fuck up your recovery, fuck up your life,

destroy another man’s marriage, that’s your business.

I won't be part of it. You call yourself a Christian?

"Thou shalt not commit adultery." I’m sure I've heard that somewhere.

Right. James, look, I know it’s not right.

And so does she. But I can’t help it.

- It’s too exciting. - OK.

I’m no theologian, Luka, but I don't think

you can say to Jesus on the Day of Judgement,

"I’m sorry, Lord, I couldn’t help it, it was too exciting!"

I respect Christianity, Luka.

I really do. But real faith, it's something you earn.

It isn’t meeting some bearded geezer in the gym and pretending it was Jesus.

It’s about living a good life, doing the right thing.

But you are not doing that.

If I end it with her, I’ll go back to being lonely.

Well, maybe you need to be lonely for a while.

Maybe you need to cultivate a relationship with yourself.

But you said I’m not to do that anymore.

- Do what? - (Audience laughs)

Not that! Fucking hell.

Build your self-esteem.

Daily affirmations.

"I am strong and I am worthwhile." Say it with me.

"I am strong and I am worthwhile."

- "I am strong and I am worthwhile." - "I am strong and I am worthwhile!"

"I am strong and I am..."

"And I am worthwhile."

"I am strong and I am worthwhile."

Use the tools of recovery. Learn to love Luka.

Cos what you’re doing, it’s not loving to you.

It’s certainly not loving to her and her husband.

- You’re right, James. - I am right.

And this... this liaison of yours, it will get you drunk.

You have to end it, Luka. If you don’t end it, I will.

- What? How will you end it? - I’ll find this woman and I’ll tell her.

I’ll tell her husband.

Who is she?

- I’ll end it. I promise. Tonight. - Good.

And the next time we meet, we should do your fifth step.

- Yep. - It’s time.

No, I agree.

- No more procrastination. - You’re right.

I’ve been too easy. I should have pushed you more.

No, no, that's... that's my stupid fucking fault.

Well, it's good to hear you taking responsibility.

We need to get you back on track.

- Yeah, I agree. - Good.

(James) Mm?

Mm...

I’ll end it with this woman and then I’ll do my fifth step.

That’s what I like to hear. That’s good.

Mm?

Hey.

That’s good.

(Sombre electronic music)

(Music stops abruptly)

I don’t know the format here. I don’t know the rules.

Did you not get the worksheets I sent you?

- You sent me worksheets? - Yeah. It's from this rehab place

- in California. - I didn't--

It’s columns. Column one: who you’re holding a resentment against.

- Column two: why you-- - I never got those.

- I’ve done it wrong? - There's no right and wrong.

- I don’t want to do it if... - There is no right and wrong.

- Yes, there is. - There is no right and wrong.

- It’s the fifth step! - So?

It’s all about right and wrong!

Things you’ve done wrong and how you’re gonna make it right.

Let me see.

It’s, um... Haphazard.

- Haphazard? - Yeah.

- Is haphazard OK? - Yeah.

Course, yeah. I mean...

- Yeah. You don’t even need paper. - I don’t need paper?

- Tell me what’s in your heart. - If I don’t need paper,

why did I spend two weeks writing this?

- Luka, just-- - This was hard for me.

- I don’t like writing. - It’s good.

- You’re saying I didn’t have to. - Breathe.

- I don’t want to breathe. - Breathe with me.

- I don’t like breathing. - OK.

(Audience laughs)

It's...

Just tell me what’s on your mind. Hm?

Who, when you went through it all,

whose name came up most?

OK. Well, you.

- Me? - Yeah.

- Not your dad? - No.

What have you written about me?

I resent you.

Why?

- A few things. - Like what?

You told me I needed a spiritual awakening,

and when I had a spiritual awakening, you tried to take it away from me.

OK. What else?

- You told me to end it with... - Mm-hm.

- And I did. - Yes.

And now I’m lonely again.

I’m sorry you’re lonely.

I miss my church.

- I see. - I can’t go anymore cos...

- ...cos she’s there. - And you feel I’m to blame for that?

- Yeah. - Hm.

Who else is on your list?

No one. Just you.

(Audience laughs)

That’s your entire fifth step?

- A couple of resentments against me? - Yeah.

- And this took you a fortnight? - Yes.

You haven’t done it right, you’ve done it wrong.

- You said there's no right and wrong. - What you’ve done is wrong.

(Audience laughs)

- You literally just said it. - It’s incomplete. You haven’t completed it.

- So it’s wrong. - Incomplete.

- "Incomplete" is another word for wrong. - Why don’t we take a moment?

You know what, James?

I don’t even believe in AA anymore.

- Oh, OK. - I’m sick of all the meetings.

- You have an illness. - I’m not even sure it is an illness.

- Medics, scientists believe it’s an illness. - No.

- Not all scientists. - Most scientists.

Most professionals in the field now accept alcoholism is an illness.

There’s a consensus.

You said yourself you inherited it from your father. It’s genetic.

Everyone where I lived was an alcoholic, right.

- Maybe it’s where you grew up. - That’s a factor.

- But you have to go to meetings. - What about Elton John?

(Audience laughs)

- What about Elton John? - He’s an alcoholic.

- He doesn’t go to meetings. - And look at him.

(Audience laughs)

- He’s still sober. And he seems happy. - He doesn’t seem happy to me!

You can’t see inside Elton John’s heart, James.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe you don’t need AA, but you’re here now.

Why not just tell me what's on your mind?

- Why not get it off your chest? - I can get it off my chest to God.

- OK. - I don’t need a middleman.

Well, how very Protestant of you, Luka.

Well, how very Catholic of you, James, to assume I need an intermediary.

I’m just offering to help.

- That’s all I’m doing. - I don’t want your help.

I have Jesus now. I don’t need AA.

And...

I don’t need you.

- The fifth step... - Oh, fuck...

There is a confessional element to it, a sacred element.

It’s confidential.

And I can...

I can forgive you.

- Forgive me? - In a symbolic sense.

What are you saying?

I think the real reason you’re not committing to this

is... you’re holding something back

because you’re worried about my reaction.

But I want you to know...

...that you can tell me anything.

Yeah.

What if I told you something and it made you mad?

- Mad? - Yeah. What if you got mad?

I won’t get mad.

I heard something about you.

- About me? - Yeah.

And I’m...

- I’m struggling with it. - OK.

What was it?

There was a young woman in the fellowship,

and someone told me you thirteenth-stepped her.

- Right. - Yeah.

OK. Right.

That's... That’s a pretty serious accusation, Luka.

- Is it true? - No.

- OK. - Absolutely not!

- OK. - I have never used

my position of authority to sexually exploit a newcomer.

- OK. - Who told you this?

- I can’t tell you who it was. - I've never had sex without consent.

Let me make that abundantly clear. Never.

- Well... - Never, Luka!

- Yeah, but... - What?

- Did you have sex with her? - The person I’m accused...?

I don’t know who you’re talking about.

Have you had sex with anyone outside your marriage?

- Outside of my marriage? - Yeah.

- Outside of my marriage? - (Audience laughs)

Yes.

Outside...

(Audience laughs)

...of my marriage? Yes, I have.

But it was only that one time.

It was a mistake. I’m not proud of it. But it was consensual.

But you made such a big deal

about me committing adultery,

saying it was wrong, it wasn’t Christian.

- It is wrong. - But you did it.

- And you pointed the finger at me. - I’m not a Christian.

I was pointing out your hypocrisy.

Don’t you think I have a right to point out your hypocrisy?

Yes, I suppose you do, yeah. But it’s complicated.

- The woman that you...? - Yeah?

- Did you make your amends to her? - That's none of your business.

- You seem mad now. - I’m not mad.

(Audience laughs)

What about your wife?

- What about my wife? - Does she know about it?

- No. - OK.

I never told her. I should have. It’s hard.

What about your son?

- My son? - Yeah. Did you tell him?

No.

- You said he was your best friend. - He is my best friend.

- Why wouldn’t you tell him? - We’re not close anymore.

- So he’s not your best friend? - We don’t talk like we used to.

- Why not? - I don’t know, you’d have to ask him.

Will you tell him?

I don’t know.

- If I’m being honest, probably not. - Why?

- It would be hard to tell him. - Why?

Well, for a start, he doesn’t know I’m in AA.

How could he not know that?

- It’s personal. - But he’s your son.

OK. Look, I didn’t want him growing up with the belief

that he would inherit my... disease.

Cos it then... becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Did you tell your sponsor?

- What? - Your sponsor. Did you tell him?

I don’t have a sponsor.

You don’t have a sponsor?

I’m 25 years sober, I don’t need someone to hold my fucking hand.

- The woman that you...? - Yes?

- Do you know who I’m talking about? - You tell me.

They call her Mental Maggie.

- Mental Maggie? - That's what they call her.

- You know who I mean? - I mean, this is...

The woman was called Maggie, yes.

She goes to the Monday night women’s group.

- I don’t go to the women’s groups. - You were her sponsor.

- James, You were her sponsor. - Yes.

You said people of the opposite sex shouldn’t sponsor each other.

- But you did it. - That’s how I know it’s a bad idea!

From experience!

- So you did thirteenth-step her. - Uh-uh. No, no.

- But you had sex with her? - Yes.

- And you were her sponsor? - Yes.

- So that's thirteenth-stepping. - I think it was more nuanced than that.

- How? - I didn’t intend to have sex with her.

It wasn’t planned. I was trying to help her.

She was a very troubled young woman from the same kind of background as me.

I was trying to help her. I was naive, OK?

One night, she propositioned me. And I found it impossible to say no.

- OK. - OK? That’s all it was.

- A stupid mistake. - I understand that, it’s just...

- What? - She’s mental.

She was not mental!

She's got mental health issues.

She’s got an eating disorder.

She always talks about how she was abused as a kid.

Whoa! Whoa! No, I didn't know that.

- You didn’t? - She never talked about that.

- But you were her sponsor. - If she mentioned it, I don’t remember.

- I think you’d remember something like that. - It wasn’t like today.

- What do you mean? - Attitudes towards sex!

- It was different then! - Different then? It was five years ago.

Who told you this?

- I can’t reveal my sources. - "I can’t reveal my fucking sources."

Was it five years ago?

- Yeah, it was about that. - How was it different then?

I mean, in a generational sense.

Your generation is too judgemental.

About sex. About everything.

Men of my generation,

we have a different idea of what constitutes consent.

(Audience reacts)

- What? So it wasn’t consensual? - No! It was! It was consensual!

OK? I grew up with a different idea about sex than you did.

You never thought about mental health

or what the woman’s age was.

As long as she was over 18, it was fine. You took your chances where you got 'em.

Now, I never did anything like that before.

I wouldn’t do it again.

I’ve learnt from it. I’ve grown.

It’s why I stopped masturbating if you really want to know.

I realised I had a problem with sex

and I needed to control my sex drive

rather than have my sex drive control me.

Afterwards we both agreed it was a mistake

and I stopped being her sponsor.

- It was during this? - During what?

- During her fifth step. - Who told you all this?

- I told the person who told me... - Was it Maggie herself?

- No. - Luka!

Don’t you think if someone’s spreading rumours behind my back,

I have a right to know who it is? Who told you?

- It was Frank. - Frank?

Yes.

- Irish Frank? - Yes.

Well, he shouldn’t be... That is private business between...

That is outrageous that he’s telling people that.

That’s gossip. And that kills people. Gossip kills.

(Audience laughs)

I’m gonna... Ooh.

(Audience laughs)

I’m having words with him. How does he even know all this?

- I don't... - He's probably fucked her himself

and he’s projecting it on to me. I’m not mad.

- He said there were others. - Other what?

Other women.

- You have a reputation. - It's not true. He’s a liar.

You have to believe me. Luka, that is not who I am.

- OK. - I am not a bad man.

I don’t think you’re bad, James, I just...

Luka, I really value our friendship.

I would never do anything to hurt you.

- It’s all very confusing, James. - Mm-hm.

I need some space.

- You’re leaving? - Yeah, I’m gonna go home.

- OK. - I’ll call you.

- When will I see you? - I don’t know.

Are you free tomorrow? I could send you those worksheets.

You could do your fourth step, do it properly.

We could meet in the morning. It’s important not to lose momentum.

I don’t want to go through any of the steps with you.

- Oh. - It's just...

So you’re sacking me as your sponsor. You’re sacking me.

- I suppose, yeah, I’m sacking you. - OK. OK.

I always hated when people said that at meetings.

"I sacked my sponsor." It’s not a job.

You can’t sack me. It’s not a job. It’s an arrangement.

- I never said I was sacking you. - You just did!

You said sacking. You put those words in my mouth.

OK. OK.

I trusted you.

(Laughing)

Well, I fucking trusted you.

What does that mean?

Doesn’t matter.

(Inhales deeply)

Is there something you want to say to me?

- You’re not going home. - I am.

You are not going home!

- Yes, I am. - You’re going back to your fancy woman.

Your MILF.

You’re running back into Mummy’s arms.

- No, I told you. I ended it with her. - What was her name?

- Why do you want to know her name? - I like to know people’s names.

- You’re gonna use it against me. - How would I do that?

What if I tell you and you go and find her?

- That’s a bit paranoid. - What if you tell her husband?

- Her husband still doesn’t know? - I don’t think so.

I know who it is. I know her name.

- No, you don’t. - I do.

- I do. - Well, what is it then?

I want to hear you say it.

- Why? - Just tell me her fucking name.

OK. It’s Linda.

- Linda? - Linda.

Linda? OK. Linda?

Linda. Yes. Linda.

- OK. Linda. Linda... Linda? - Yes.

- OK. Linda. And that’s her real name? - Why would I give you a fake name?

It sounded like a fake name, maybe cos you keep repeating it.

- You keep repeating it! - It sounded like you were making it up!

- Why would I do that? - I don't know...

Maybe if it was my wife and you were covering it up?

- Your wife? - Yeah! For example.

You could be fucking my wife behind my back.

- For example? - In theory!

The woman you’re fucking could be my wife

and you want to hide it from me, so you use a nom de plume.

- A what? - A nom de plume.

A fake name to put me off the scent.

- James... - Are you fucking my wife?

- Are you serious? - I don’t know.

Maybe I'm serious, maybe I'm not.

"Are you fucking my wife?"

- Well, are you? - What?

I actually can’t believe you’re asking me that.

- Why would you ask me that? - Mm.

Is this a joke? Is this a test?

Yeah! Let’s say it is. Are ya?

Am...? Am I fuck...? No! OK? No!

OK. OK.

What the fuck? James, her name is Linda.

She's from my Bible group. Your wife doesn’t go to my church, does she?

- Not that I know of. - What’s your wife’s name?

Anne!

(Audience laughs)

Right. Linda’s name is not Anne. Linda’s name is Linda.

(Audience laughs)

What does she look like? What the fuck does Linda look like?

You need to calm down.

Just tell me what she looks like, this Linda!

- I don’t know. No, I do. - You don’t know what she looks like?

- Did you only fuck her from behind? - Right.

Of course I know, I’m just not good at describing people.

Well, let’s start with something simple, shall we?

- What colour is her hair? - Red!

- Red hair? - Yes, a red bob!

- A red bob! - Yes!

OK! A red bob!

OK!

My wife doesn’t have a red bob!

(Audience laughs)

Her hair is mousy brown.

And it's cut in an elfin style.

(Audience laughs)

What the...? Oh, God.

- Are you telling the truth? - Of course I'm telling the truth.

OK. Fine. I accept that.

James, I can't... This is just...

OK. OK. OK. OK.

It’s not her, it's fine.

It’s not her. It’s not my wife. It’s all fine.

This was my fifth step! This was meant to be my fifth fucking step!

(Audience bursts out laughing)

- Do you have a photo of her? - Fuck me.

- No. - Come on, you must have.

It was an affair. Why would I take a photo? That’s evidence.

A video? You must have made a video of you and her fucking.

No. And if I did, I wouldn’t show it to you.

- So you’ve admitted it. - No, I didn’t.

Yes, you did! That is as good as a confession!

You literally just said

you made a video on your phone

of you and my wife fucking.

- James, I think you’re unwell. - (James laughs)

(James grunts)

You know what your problem is, Luka?

You’re a cunt.

You're a selfish, mental,

incel,

ginger,

Scottish cunt.

And you're an ingrate.

When I first met you, you were suicidal.

And I think you were right to be suicidal.

I think the world would be a better place

without you in it.

Your old man had the right idea about you.

Fuck off, James.

(Audience reacts)

(Heavy breathing)

- I don’t want to hurt you. - You think you could hurt me?

- Stop it. - You couldn’t hurt me, son.

- Stop it. - You couldn’t hurt me, son.

(Mocking him) Oh.

- I have to go, James. - Do you, you wee cunt?

Fuck. Fuck. Get off me, James.

- Get off. Get off. - Get down, boy. Down, boy.

- No. No. No. - Fucking defend yourself, boy.

Defend yourself, son!

Come on, son! Come on!

Oh, shit.

(Audience laughs)

Sorry. I'm fucking sorry.

Luka, stop fucking...

Luka, fucking stop.

(Indistinct grunting)

(Grunting)

(Grunting)

I was not fucking your wife! I was fucking a lady called Linda!

(Gurgly breathing)

(Sighs) Fucking...

Linda.

You know... You know, James, I... I did everything.

Everything you asked me to, you know that? Everything.

- Mm. - And it was never enough for you.

You... You... You told me I had to get a sponsor.

You forced yourself on me. You know you did.

You... You told me to stop wanking. I did that.

You told me to have a spiritual awakening, James.

I had one and you hated me for it.

You told me to do the third step, the fourth step, the fifth step!

"Do it, Luka. Do it, do it, do it!"

I did it, OK? I did it all! And you’re still not fucking happy.

Because nothing, nothing will make you happy!

So you know what, James? Enough. It's over.

We are finished.

I am setting boundaries.

(Audience laughs)

(Panting)

(James) Mm.

Hm.

Mm.

For the record, I did try and turn the other cheek

but you made it impossible.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I haven’t been...

...sleeping lately.

Are you OK?

Do you want to go for a drink?

(Audience laughs)

Mm.

(Exhales deeply)

- What you doing? - What does it look like I’m doing?

- Are you praying? - Yes.

(James) Mm.

(James smacks his lips)

God spoke to me.

What did he say?

He wants me to stay friends with you.

That’s nice of him.

He’s a lot nicer than me.

How...?

How do you know it’s God?

It’s a still, small voice.

Like Elijah heard.

After the earthquake. After the fire.

We should go to a meeting.

And after we could go for a coffee.

Sometime next week.

I’d like that.

Thank you.

(James sighs deeply)

(Audience laughs)

What?

You don’t see it?

Wha...?

(Cheering and applause)

(Whistling)

(♪ The 5th Dimension: "Paper Cup")

♪ And someday I'll be going down the drain

♪ I know they're right (♪ But I don't care)