Original subtitles

My man is back, my man in black,

he gives my head a heart attack!

What's that sound?

Sparky robot love.

No, not you! That other sound.

That was the Lexx dry heaving.

Funny that it should coincide with your return.

Oh, you want funny?

Well what about I come over there

and start pounding you into tinfoil, huh?

Which I'm just about ready to do.

I'm shaking.

- Kai, do you know what it was? - Yes.

The Lexx trying to vomit, as 790 suggested.

He may have reached the point where he has

begun to starve to death.

Starve to death?! What are you talking about,

the Lexx can't die!

Everything that lives, dies.

And now is as good a time as any.

So please Stanley, hurl yourself

off the bridge - you too, Xev.

Something's gonna go off the bridge

all right, and it's gonna be you.

Lexx 4-17 Dutch Treat

Watch out Stan!

That's disgusting!

What is this stuff?

Fluid from a ruptured membrane.

The Lexx is consuming its own tissue

in an attempt to stay alive,

and its efforts are endangering

its structural integrity.

At this time the effects

are superficial, but without food

they will soon become terminal.

- Meaning? - Meaning,

that the Lexx will start collapsing around you

as it digests itself.

- This is bad. - Oh yeah, well what can we do?

- We lost the key. - You lost the key!

I did not lose the key,

it was stolen from me!

So, so don't blame me.

- I am blaming you! - Oh yeah?

Well, as I recall,

when I did have the key

we couldn't go anywhere because

the Lexx needed to eat,

to go anywhere at all.

So I said, OK Lexx, go ahead,

eat Holland,

you know, but you and Kai said

oh no, no, you can't do that.

So as far as I'm concerned

this mess that we are in is all your fault

and it's Kai's fault,

so - you two go ahead

and figure a way out of it.

Fine, you're really helping!

Any ideas?

- Just one. - What?

- The Noah. - The what?

The Noah is the name of the vessel

that Dr Ernst Longbore is building

at his compound in the Earth state of Texas,

with technical information provided by 790.

The craft is designed

for extended space travel,

its mission being to find

a suitable planet for Longbore

and his followers to colonise

after the Earth destroys itself.

790, how close is Longbore's ship to being ready?

- Not answering. - 790!

I estimate that it is something more

than 75% built,

and should be ready to launch

in 60 days, or less.

But I'm ready to launch right now,

so grab hold of my boosters,

my long dead bunhead!

Not at this time, 790.

Why not?! I've only been helping

these morons as a favour to you,

and you haven't licked my casing

even once in return.

We should contact them

So, you'll help us?

It will be an honour to

count you among our number

as we search for a new and better home

in the distant stars.

All right then. We'll just pack our things

and come down to Earth right away.

Take your time, we will not leave without you.

It won't take long, we don't have much to pack

Hey doc, the bus is here.

What bus?

The one from the girls' school in Houston.

Ah, that bus.

Sorry to leave you, Lexx.

You were -

you are,

the best ship

a captain could ever hope to have.

I'm touched. No, really.

Now hup hup, chop chop, load up

and let's make tracks - I get Kai's lap.

Sorry 790, you're staying.

- Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha!

You are staying!

Don't be an idiot.

I'm far too valuable to leave behind.

My vast knowledge of almost everything

makes me indispensable on the voyage.

You are an out of control

robot head

who's tried to kill me and Xev

over and over.

- We'll take our chances. - Yeah,

Stan's absolutely right. You're always betraying us,

and we just don't want you around anymore.

Speak for yourself, slut face.

Kai won't leave me behind.

I will do what Stan and Xev ask me to.

If they wish you to remain, we will leave you.

- I wish. - Me too.

People, we're a team!

We've been a team for thousands of years.

True, I hate your guts,

but I've always been there for you.

Without me you would have been dead long ago.

Yeah, and with you we'll probably be

dead tomorrow.

Face it, robot head -

you're finished.

This is madness - torture!

Please, I promise to behave

- from now on, I mean it. - No.

I'll obey every command

either of you give me. I swear on my

- tiny piece of human brain. - No.

Xev - I'll recite epic poems

to your beauty, just like in the old days.

Stan - I'll defer to you in all things.

I'll call you captain - sir -

Mr Handsome - anything you want.

No!

Kai -

what about our love?

790 -

our love exists in your head,

not mine.

But I think I know where the key is.

We're not listening.

Yeah, we don't trust you anymore. Goodbye.

I -

I -

I'm not happy!

Now I personally guarantee

that if you follow this programme

for 10 minutes a day

for 30 days,

you too can have

a ruling class ass.

So - hit it!

And run! And run!

And run, and run, and run, and run!

And kick it! And kick it!

And kick it, kick it, kick it!

And punch it! And punch it!

And punch it, punch it, punch it - good.

Sir, there are some rather

pressing issues -

OK now - we're gonna keep going,

and we're gonna lie

- all the way down. - Mr President,

six Arab nations

are now threatening a jihad

unless you issue a formal apology

for asking them why they wear

those rags on their heads -

And kick it! And kick it, kick it, kick it!

North Carolina is still waiting

for emergency relief,

and the South is threatening

to secede from the Union.

The people are demanding action.

And Bunny is providing it.

And call the French ambassador,

call the French ambassador.

Hey there French ambassador,

hey there French ambassador.

Work your buns a little more.

Go Bunny!

Go Bunny!

And now, you know what

you can do if you have a partner, because sometimes

Mr President and I, we do - ah!

Stop filming!

Bunny,

my yummy yummy pooky plum.

- Are you hurt? - I broke a nail.

I'll get the Surgeon General.

- Was I good? - You were terrific.

O no darling, you know we can't

But I'm a love pie, Mr President -

and you are my filling.

I want to be your filling,

I want your pie, I need your pie -

but Bunnykins, if we make love

you could lose the key to the Lexx,

and Prince will be very -

It's not fair,

it's not fair!

Mr President -

Can't you see my wife's very upset?

Leave us alone, both of you!

You are so sexy

when you tell people what to do.

I am, aren't I?

You should call the shots more often,

Mr President.

- Shh, he might hear you. - Oh, who cares?!

- I hate him. - I feel your pain my love,

- it's my pain also. - Well then get rid of the TV

and he's gone too.

Destroy my prince?

He's not your prince,

he's just some dead freako face

who shows up on the TV screen once in a while.

I know, my perfect peach.

You are my prezzy wezzy

- love stick. - Oh love stick.

And I am your honey bunny

who wants you naked.

So who cares about

the stupid old key?

I feel the same, believe me!

Well then get rid of the TV

and we're free.

Do it for me.

Do it for us.

Oh yes. Oh yes.

Yes. I am the man now.

- You are the man now. - I am the President.

- You are the President! - I'll do it, Bunnykins!

This...

This very moment!

You're the man. You're the man.

- You can do it. - Yes, I can do it.

Oh, baby.

Yes, yes! Yes!

Mr President.

My prince.

Practicing our putting,

were we?

Yes, my prince.

I was hoping to p-p-p-practice

my p-p-p-putt.

Really? I could have sworn you were thinking

of getting rid of me.

No no no no my prince,

never.

No, I wouldn't even dream of such a thing -

lately.

It's so

wonderful to see you.

I've missed you so.

All right,

that's enough.

We have work to do,

- the three of us. - Yes of course, my prince.

Anything.

NASA and the military

have spotted a fast moving vehicle

approaching the Earth from the direction of the moon.

This is of course

one of the Lexx's moths.

Now I want you to contact

the obnoxious robot head on the Lexx's bridge

and find out who is left on board.

Certainly, my prince.

- Now! - Yes my prince.

Hello crew of the Lexx.

This is the President. How are you?

Any of you that might be left on the ship?

Not that it matters,

but I just called to say

hi, and, umm -

hi there.

Umm - is anyone home?

Gone.

All gone.

Robot head, is that you?

Kai gone,

love gone.

????????????????

The robot head says

they are all gone.

Excellent. Disconnect.

Now Bunny, you do still have

the key, don't you?

Yeah, I think so.

You think so?

I mean, sure.

Of course she does, my prince.

Can you confirm that you have not engaged

in hanky panky

that might have brought the first lady to the very edge

of sexual ecstasy, and so released the key?

My prince,

we have both suffered through a long

and difficult period of celibacy,

our only concern being to protect the key.

There has been absolutely no hanky panky.

Yeah, not even a spanky.

How awful.

- Now start packing - What?

Yes, you heard me!

Start packing.

No.

Number 327 -

no.

No.

Number 411 -

no.

Yes.

Dr Longbore -

it's the moth,

from the Lexx.

Mr President, what are you doing?

Going on vacation, a long one.

Where?

That's top secret, and I may not come back.

Not coming back? But

sir, you can't just abandon

the whole nation.

- There are so many urgent issues. - You can have that.

Urgent to you, not to me.

I cannot in conscience

let you leave without dealing with the more

- important ones at least. - Sorry, we have to go.

The Chinese at least.

The Chinese, ah so.

Their country is very crowded, no?

Tell them they can have Wyoming

- as a goodwill gesture. - The Arabs -

Oo, yes. Them again.

Sell Alaska back to them

for whatever we originally paid for it.

Four hundred thousand dollars?

But sir, we... we didn't buy Alaska

from the Arabs, we bought it from the Russians, sir.

Then sell it back to the Russians,

and tell them to deal with the Arabs.

And now I have to go. Bye.

Mr President,

is there nothing you would like

to say to the country before you depart?

Oo yes, of course.

Some inspiration for the people,

as it were.

Bye.

Oh, I'd just like to say

so long to all the friends

I've ever had in my whole life -

especially Xena, and Kate,

and the whole high school aerobics team -

go Pikers!

And my mom and my dad

and sister Hobby of course.

And my goldfish Bloopy

and my other goldfish Blop -

in heaven now. And my nanny

and my poppy

and my aunt Gigi and my uncle Merrill,

and of course I can't forget my favorite blanket,

you know, Mr Fuzzy, because he's really been -

I knew you'd come back!

- Hello, Tina. - Oh, friend of yours Kai?

We're more than friends.

Welcome, welcome aboard.

I am so happy to have you as candidates

to be on the Noah as it journeys

to the distant stars.

Whoa, wait a second -

we didn't come here to be candidates.

We came here to be passengers.

We all wanna be passengers,

but Dr Longbore is sensitive

to the issue of histocompatibility.

Hista - what?

Histocompatibility.

As a natural matter of precaution,

assuming that the whole human race

is to be descended from us.

Come view our progress on the Noah.

Whoa!

- Impressive. - Isn't it?

- Yes! - And thank you for helping

us design it.

When will it be completed?

We expect to be ready to launch within two months.

- Which reminds me - Xev? - Yes?

Would you happen top have a piece of clothing,

an old T-shirt or something perhaps,

that I could borrow for a couple of hours?

- Why? - It's for a little

experiment I'm conducting

for the trip - on allergies.

Sorry, I don't have any T-shirts.

Anything would do -

a sock, an undergarment?

I don't wear socks -

or undergarments.

I wish we'd left this thing behind.

Bunnykins -

Gone ...

gone...

Oo, robot head, hello.

Are you really the only one on board?

Gone...

He looks busted.

Good thing too, he's icky.

- What was that? - I've no idea,

but I think I wet myself.

My prince, are you there?

Are you transmitting?

Perhaps he didn't make the trip.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Quickly Bunny, the key.

Climb into the pedestal and use it.

Now.

Ah, yes.

Although not presently in the form

that I prefer,

still, finally,

I have gained control of the Lexx -

the most powerful weapon

of destruction in the universe,

so that now I,

Prince,

can get out there

and destroy.

What are you not telling me?

Nothing, my prince.

Well, neither of you

are dead -

although that could be arranged.

So that means that you did

indulge in hanky panky

sufficient to bring the First Lady to the edge

of sexual ecstasy after all!

- Correct? - No no no my prince,

- I swear. - Me too.

We did nothing.

Remember sweetie?

There was that one little smooch

we had before we left the Lexx the last time.

No we didn't, I don't remember.

????4.13

????4.13

No no no Bunny -

not now, we can't.

I mean, we shouldn't.

I mean - we have to be quick.

Oh Mr President!

No Bunnykins!

Oh, you useless

idiots! Your suffering

will know no bounds!

However -

at least you lost it here,

which means that it is still on board,

which means that it is now in one of the moth breeders,

as they are the only humans left.

So, go out and start killing them

- until you find the key. - Again?

My arms are still tired

from the last lot I slaughtered.

Well, Bunny will help you,

won't you Bunnykins?

You are an aerobics

instructor, remember?

Huh?

Don't look so glum, Bunnykins.

Killing these fellows can be quite enjoyable -

well, if you get in the right frame of

mind.

I don't wanna kill anything.

But it's our duty,

my sweet jam jar -

and you're lucky.

Last time, I had to strangle them by hand.

But this time -

- What? - I'm prepared.

Now I just take aim

at the nearest little blue head.

Nothing to it.

Oh no!

The key! Get it!

Get it Bunnykins.

Faster, Bunny,

come on Bunnykins, come on!

It went into him.

The key doesn't like me

anymore!

I want you to see this video

of Dr Longbore I secretly recorded

this afternoon.

Sit down.

It is time now.

I will share with you my plan.

My holy mission

is to propagate a new and

vastly improved humanity,

a thousand times more vital than would be possible

with mere chance breeding.

So my little chucks,

please remove your undergarments

and give them to Dougall.

He will return them

once I have made the selection.

I think Dr Longbore

is becoming more and more

mentally unstable, to the point

where I don't think he can be trusted.

- What do you mean? - He talks about

histocompatability,

but if that's true

then there should be an equal number

of male and female candidates.

Yet he never seems to show much

interest in the boys' underwear.

At first, I thought he was

just really interested in sniffing

girls' panties, but -

I think it's worse than that.

How?

I don't think Dr Longbore

is sincere about taking you along.

I suggest that you keep an eye on him.

A group of us are.

- And Kai? - Yes?

While I'm keeping an eye

on Dr Longbore,

can I keep my thighs

wrapped around you?

Well, I had to ask.

It's not working!

I'm trying, Mr President,

I'm really trying,

but we've killed a zillion of these

poor little blue guys and we still don't have the key

and I'm tired.

Why don't you try?

You got it.

Mr President.

No no Bunnykins, you know we can't.

The key.

Gooone.

Goooone.

Finally!

Now quickly Bunny,

take command of the Lexx.

Hello, captain.

Umm, hi.

Goodbye, so long.

Good riddance.

Yes -

- Bunny? - What?

What do people think of me?

They say you're - evil?

Exactly! And so my going away

present to the Earth should be consistent

with my reputation.

Bunny - tell the Lexx

to turn around and blow up

the little blue planet.

What?

It's OK Bunny, it's all for the better.

- How? - You're doing it all

for the better, right my prince?

No! It's all for the worse.

Now quick Bunny,

blast the planet.

Do I have to?

Oo, yes Bunnykins, I'm afraid

it's just one of those difficult things

that you have to do sometimes.

Lexx - umm -

I want you to

turn around -

and - umm -

turn around

and -

I can't!

Would you like me to destroy

the blue planet now?

- Yes. - Yes.

Oh, I can't!

I mean, what about all my friends,

and my aerobics class,

and Mr Fuzzy -

Convince her.

Just, just think of them all

as moth breeders, Bunnykins -

little blue gnomes, nothing more, easy to kill -

mostly. Fun.

My mom is not

a little blue gnome!

I'm not so sure about that.

No, but you can do it Bunnykins.

The Earth is a Type 13 planet

and it's doomed anyway.

By blowing it up

you will be saving your mom

and aerobics team.

and everyone else

from a terrible future

of misery

and suffering.

You will be doing them all

a big favour,

and me

an even bigger one. You'll make me

very, very,

very, very,

- very happy. - I live

to make you happy Mr President -

but isn't this too much?

Bunny,

Bunnykins.

My Bunny boo boo, honey pot,

love ladle.

My succulent squeezy squoo

oogie poogie pogo

pudding.

Pleasy weasy?

You always know just

how to convince me.

Lexx - I want you to blow up the Earth!

Yes!

Ask the Lexx what is wrong with him.

- Why? - Because the Earth

is still there.

He only managed to destroy Ottawa.

What's Ottawa?

A small-minded little backwater

that until just now

served as the capital of Canada.

- Well look! - What?

This is the NASA feed -

the one they use to keep watch on the Lexx.

Seems like the Lexx just

blew up

the city of Ottawa.

But the Lexx can't blow up anything

- unless somebody orders it to. - Exactly.

There's someone on the Lexx.

- What? - With the key.

Kai, we gotta get Kai. Kai!

Kai, we gotta get...

- Kai! - Kai, we gotta get back to the Lexx

- right now. - Kai!

I wanted to blow up the planet

but I couldn't because I am very hungry

and very weak, captain,

and not feeling well.

Oh. Well, why don't you eat something?

I would like to eat something

on that planet.

Then, I would feel better,

and do exactly as you command,

all the time.

Tell him he can eat the moon.

How about the moon, Lexx?

- Would that do? - The moon is hard

and rocky and not tasty.

I have wanted to eat Holland

for a long time.

Holland is not hard and rocky,

and is full of yummy protein.

May I eat Holland?

Do we care about Holland, my prince?

No, of course not!

Tell him he can eat it,

but he has to be quick about it.

Holland schmolland it is, butter button.

Aren't there people there?

Of course! But they're Dutch.

They're used to suffering.

Oh. Holland's all yours, Lexx.

Oh goody.

A tasty Dutch treat.

We'll never catch up to it.

The Lexx is way faster than a moth.

Maybe not in its present condition.

It is not necessary for the moth

to be able to travel faster than the Lexx,

as the Lexx appears to be heading back towards the Earth.

Look.

What's the Lexx doing?

The Lexx is eating Holland.

The Lexx is not travelling at speed

but its velocity is still greater than the moth's.

We will not be able to catch up with it.

Who's on there, who's doing this?!

Prince is dead, right?

Kai, Mr Tweedle,

Miss Xev - it's Tina.

If any of you are getting this please respond,

please.

This is Kai. What is it Tina?

Oh good, you're there.

Listen Dr Longbore

lied to you about the Noah.

Lied how?

He told you that the ship

was 75% complete.

He tells everyone that.

But I think it's more like

99% ready.

Sounds like good news to me.

No! That's what he tells

people like us, who've been with him

from the very beginning.

People who he promised could come.

That's what he tells people

he plans to leave behind -

including you!

Kai, I was right.

- Are you certain of this, Tina? - Yes.

And me and some others are starting

to feel afraid. We're very careful,

but I'm beginning to think he's not planning

to take us at all!

He's just gonna leave us behind -

- What is it? - Oh, no!

- Oh. nooo! - What's happening?

Tina?

Tina!

Gee -

that little bug looks just like you, Lexx.

Lexx!

I've got a new friend.

That's nice, Lexx.

I'm gonna kill Dr Longbore with my bare hands.

- After I do. - No -

after I kill him.

Listen, do we have any chance

at all of catching up with the Lexx?

No.

I won.

I always do -

in the end.

You are a genius in a box, my prince.

And out of a box?

You are of course a genius as well.

One last job to finish

before we leave.

Bunny, tell the Lexx

to turn around and blow up the planet.

- We already tried that. - Yes,

Yes, we have.

But now the Lexx is back

at full strength,

so let's try it again.

Lexx,

are you back at full strength?

Almost, captain.

- Excellent. - I can now blow up

whatever planet you want.

Are you sure?

It's a type 13 planet, Bunnykins.

Lexx -

turn around.

As you command, captain.

Look!

The Lexx appears to be slowing.

Do you really really

really want me to?

I really really really really really really

really want you to Bunnykins.

Goodbye, you ridiculous planet.

And a special farewell to Kai

and Stanley and Xev.

Thanks for the memories.

Toodle-oo!

Lexx -

I want you to -

blow up -

the -

Bunny, stop -

or the President loses his head.

Bunny, tell them the name of the planet

you were about to destroy.

I am very ready to blow up

the blue planet.

May I do that now,

captain?

No planet.

Lexx, I command you to blow up

no planet!

As you command, captain.

Kai! You came back!

Oh, heaven on a stick, I live and love again!

Kai,

it's so - special, to see you.

You too, Stanley. And of course you, Xev.

Oh, save it! You just tried to kill us,

once again, us and everyone else on this planet.

I know! I'm evil,

- what do you expect? - Kai -

turn him off.

Sorry Stanley - I'm not even plugged in.

It appears that I am the ghost

in the machine.

Well, then we'll just get rid of the machine.

Good idea.

- As for you - - No no no no no.

please Isambard made us do it.

Bunnykins and I were merely dupes

in his terrible plan.

We are good people,

forced to do horrible things.

No! You're horrible people,

forced to do horrible things -

well, just forget about that for now.

Right now -

let's get the key back where it belongs

right here.

- How? - She will release the key

at the point of death.

You're not gonna kill me?! Are you?

Oh no. No!

I've got a

much better idea.

Must I watch?

Yes, you must.

But it's humiliating.

That's the point.

Oo, now

Bunnykins -

time for some funnykins.

Come on now -

put a little effort into it.

Is she always this frigid?

I'm trying, it's just that I keep

thinking I'm gonna be sick.

Yeah, well we can get the key out of you the other way you know.

Stan, how's it going?

Well, Bunny's holding out on me,

that's how it's going.

I'm trying!

Yeah, well she's resisting all my charms.

What charms are those, Stan?

- Ha! - It's not my fault

if I don't feel tingly.

Only the President makes me feel tingly.

That is ridiculous -

I'm the tingle king!

Thank you for your efforts,

but now I think it's time

for me to offer my humble services

to extract the key.

Bunny will quickly reach

the peak of sexual ecstasy

- and the key will be yours. - Oh, no

no no no no no.

You are evil and we're not

giving you any satisfaction.

- But if you want the key - - Forget it!

Let me try.

- What? - What?

What?

I felt a tingle when we played truth or dare,

and Stan dared us to kiss -

didn't you?

Yeah, maybe

a little bit anyway.

Goodbye fellas.

I gotta go in there!

I gotta go back in there.

- I'm with you. - No you're not.

Evil man!

Yes! Yes!

Can we do that again?

I'm very disappointed.

And you two -

you should be very

very grateful that we're letting you go.

Now just get into your space shuttle

and go back to that stupid planet

before we change our mind.

Well go!

Bunnykins,

please answer one question -

you haven't gone over to

the other team, have you?

Let's just say, I'm

a complicated woman Mr President -

really a lot.

And you -

You are coming with me.

Really? And where are you taking me?

Out in a moth, to the moon,

where I will crash you at high velocity

onto its airless service.

And you think then that you will be rid of me, do you?

- Yes! - Yes!

I must say,

I object to this treatment.

Lexx -

who's the man?

I mean, who,

is the man?!

You are, Stan,

Stan

- and only Stan. - and only Stan.

��������: Bankolya

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