Original subtitles

- Come on, Stan. - I don't care what it takes,

or who I have to kill to do it,

but I am bringing that big haired freak in.

Lieutenant - the nation's security

is in your hands.

Look Stan -

I've been thinking about it.

In all the thousands of years we've spent together,

we've never had any kind of real home,

you know, not even for a little while.

There must be some good places on Earth to live.

Why not ask 790 to check out the planet

and see if he can come up with a nice place for us?

790, scan Earth databases

to find the type of ideal place

to accommodate Xev's wishes.

What wish of mine will you accommodate in return?

- None. - And what does the love slut wish for,

precisely?

Let's see -

a beautiful place with nice people -

normal people. A place where there are no aliens

that eat you, and life is good,

and bad things don't happen all the time.

With pretty houses and lots of trees

and parks and clean streets.

Bodies of water - bodies of men,

young men -

- lots of those - - OK, enough,

I've got it! It's not like you're deep.

- There you go. - Beautiful Prime Ridge Ohio.

Chosen by the United Nations

as the best little town

in the whole wide world ten years running.

It's the ideal community,

from our finely sculpted neighbourhood,

to our folksy shopping district,

to our all male college

- in the centre of town - - That's it.

And of course there's the jewel

in our crown, the pride of Prime Ridge,

our own CJD Meat Products.

Come and see for yourself,

and you'll soon agree that beautiful

Prime Ridge Ohio is

- a great place to live. - All right -

let's go! I wanna meet those men.

I'm not going anywhere.

Stan -

without the key the Lexx doesn't respond

to our orders, including the order to make food,

so how are you gonna eat, hmm?

Looks just like on the view screen.

Lexx 4.14 - Prime Ridge

Kai, what's this?

It is a sign advertising that this house is for sale.

The small sign below it reads "Open House".

If it's open, let's go in.

You're having what?

Second thoughts?

Oh, is that right.

Funny -

you weren't having second thoughts last night.

Prick.

Well, hello.

I'm

Dulcibella

Dulcibella Sternflanks.

President of Sternflanks Realty.

- Xev of B3K. - Lovely.

- Is that in Ohio? - No, it's in a parallel universe.

Stan, Kai.

Yeah, see we're from the Light Zone,

Ohio's in the Dark Zone.

- No kidding. - Are you selling this house?

Oh yes.

It's my exclusive property.

So -

look

looc at this.

Isn't this living room just

to die for?

Such a magnificent garden -

so beautiful.

Deep basin -

Italian marble.

This little baby will spoil you to death.

So what do you think Stan?

Well, I think all that talk about death

makes it perfect for Kai.

Oh, why?

Because he's dead.

Do you like the house?

Did it impress you?

Nothing has impressed me for over 6000 years.

OK. Xev?

I love it. We'll buy it!

Really?

- Just like that? - Sure.

Wonderful!

What's your offer?

- Offer? - On the house.

How much are you prepared to invest?

Oh. I don't know.

It's on the market for three hundred and seventy five -

thousand.

Kai, do those bank machines

790 told us about have that much money?

I do not know.

Of course they do.

Good. We'll be right back.

Guys?

do.

Hey, hey, that's another one.

Congratulations!

Sign here.

And here

is your welcome home meat basket -

a Prime Ridge tradition.

May you never have a mad cow in your brisket!

Thank you very much.

When is your furniture arriving?

- Furniture, what's that? - It's things you sit on -

Xev didn't have any furniture in the box she grew up in.

- Do we need it? - Yes.

Can you help us get some?

Sure!

There

you go, Kai old pal.

Thank you Stanley.

Look - I'm learning to cook!

Hey - looks great.

Way to go, Xev.

I love it, I just love it!

Getting this house was definitely the best decision we ever made.

Hey -

let's go.

I can't stand it any longer!

What is it this time?

This pathetic life we are living.

We're doing everything we did on the Lexx -

only less.

I didn't come to Earth to just

sit around all day watching the view screen.

I'm going crazy.

And I am expiring.

- What?! - The Earth freezing unit

is not the equivalent of cryostasis.

If you wish me to continue in a sentient state,

we will have to return to the Lexx

for more protoblood sooner than we had anticipated.

No, relax, relax. Look, I can modify

the freezing unit to give you the temperature you need.

It's primitive technology.

- I'm certified, remember? - Of course.

Yeah, I'll have our stiff,

frozen stiff, in a jiff.

Hey you.

Hello Stanley Tweedle.

You caught me.

Do you live here?

Yes I do.

I didn't want to mention it

when I sold you the house in case I

scared you off.

Oh, no no no,

I'm not scared, no,

not at all - quite the opposite in fact.

I got the house in my divorce settlement.

My husband

was a slimy, smelly,

whore mongering hairy beast.

An absolute Neanderthal -

except where it counted.

I'm glad to be rid of him.

Is Xev your wife?

Xev? Oh no no no no no no.

No Xev, Xev, she's like Kai, just -

- one of my crew. - Crew?

What are you, a sea captain?

Oh no no no,

I'm a captain -

of the Lexx.

The most powerful

destructive force in the two universes.

I like the sound of that.

Everything is always

the same on this view screen.

Hi. I'm Tad,

and I love beautiful Prime Ridge.

In the winter, I hit the books hard at the collegiate.

And in the summer, me

and hundreds of college guys

hit our happy cows - with this.

We're proud to process

the finest American beef,

earning money for our studies

while putting the steak on your table.

- You're cute, Tad. - The meat industry is

is a challenging one to work in.

CJD Meta Products is a model employer -

regular breaks,

games room, sing-a-longs,

and if the job demands become too much,

well you can always see our on-site

stress counsellor.

Her job is to make the work force

happy and morale high -

whatever it takes.

We couldn't manage without her.

I want to be - there.

- Why? - I want to process meat at the plant,

and I want to ensure

that the work force is happy, whatever it takes.

So how do I get the -

- what's that called again? - The job.

A job, yeah.

I suspect that 790 can assist you.

Why don't we have

dinner together later?

At your place?

I'll cook.

Hey, you know - maybe

you cook for me now,

and maybe

I'll cook for you later.

You're on, Casanova!

Oh, nice,

nice.

Hey, stress counsellor -

we're onto you.

You've been caught.

That's right, you twisted old bat -

your depraved ways are coming to an end,

right here and now.

On behalf of management I'm hereby

firing you for sexual harassment of the workers.

Clear out your desk and get your sick

kicks somewhere else!

I must say your timing is impeccable.

Right now, today,

we require an emergency

replacement for our stress counsellor,

who has just suffered

a horrible fatal heart attack.

Poor Sandra.

She loved this plant.

So Xev, may I see your resume?

Oh, it should be on your view screen.

Impressive.

I like to make people happy,

whatever it takes - especially men.

Ye-es.

Congratulations.

- You can start immediately. - Yes.

But I should warn you Miss Bellringer,

we run a squeaky clean operation here.

You are the workers friend and confidant,

their advisor, and nothing more.

No - and I mean no -

physical intimacy is permitted with the staff.

And just to ensure there is no

hanky panky, your office has

a video camera to record your every move.

- Understood? - Yes sir.

Come on, come on,

where is it? I know it's here.

Where are you.

Show yourself, dammit.

Where the hell do these freaks

keep their money, man?

Same place you keep your head, boyfriend.

The freezer -

that's where they all hide their coin.

Your savings equal our dope, right Skankita?

There.

What are you doing?

- It was her idea. - His.

- You are thieves. - No man,

we just lost our tour group.

OK, OK,

I'm Gordon, this is Skankita,

we're crack heads looking for cash,

but we're harmless, honest -

it's just a short term addiction.

Well, what about you, man?

- What about me? - You're

hanging out in a freezer.

You're packing

a terminator space claw thing,

and you're sporting a beehive like

some weirdo

demented Elvis lounge singer,

kinda "Hey baby, shoo-bop-a-loo-la"

kinda guy, sorta.

The dead do not shoo-bop-a-loo-la.

What, you're dead?

You said you're dead?

Yes.

I am a dead assassin.

Whoa.

It's moments like this I'm glad

I'm hooked on the rock.

Come in.

Hello there.

I'm Xev of B3K, the new stress counsellor.

The last one just died.

I'm here to make you happy.

- What's your name? - Er, Cleasby,

- Cleasby. - Hello Cleasby Cleasby.

Please take a seat.

Why have you come here, Cleasby?

Oh, I shouldn't

- have come. - No no no!

There's something on your mind.

Tell me about it - I want to know.

Whatever it is, I'm here to help.

- Trust me. - Can I -

can I really really trust you?

Of course you can.

Well - I work in the evisceration department,

scooping up steaming cow guts all day.

- That's nice. - It's not, I hate it!

It's getting to me, you know, I am a strict

vegetarian for Pete's sake!

I take minimum four showers a day.

You know, I wasn't meant for a job like this.

- Then why are you here? - My dad.

Well, he loves his yard, right,

more than anything -

except maybe his guns.

I mean, I like guns too -

I like guns a lot!

And the paper targets

in the rifle range -

they're starting to talk to me -

taunting,

mocking!

And I shoot,

and I shoot,

and I shoot, and I shoot, and I,

- and I shoot - and I shoot... - That's enough for me Cleasby.

Anyway, I've got these

horrible allergies.

Terrible hayfever, always have,

and I couldn't do yard work

and he hated me for it,

told me I was a pansy,

that I'd never amount to anything.

He used to chase me around with a mower.

Dad saw to it that I worked here every summer

since I was thirteen.

Said the kill floor

would make a man out of me if anything could.

Go on.

It's like screw you man -

who wants to be like the people in this town anyhow.

They're all just totally nuts

about their lawns, like it's some kind

of pissing contest.

Without the piss.

My mom's the same.

She is totally mental about her sod.

I mean, she is just totally

addicted to grass, I'm addicted to crack -

we're no different.

And sometimes I just wanna like -

blow them all away.

I mean, you're an assassin,

you know what I'm talking about.

Man,

I really need a hit about now.

If you require money for your drug purchases,

there is a large bag of it on the table right behind you.

We can sprinkle eight balls on our weenie now baby!

If you need more,

simply go to any bank machine

and enter the number 790.

You're not serious.

I am.

You can obtain as much

as you -

want.

so Tammy, the ball busting manipulator that she is,

dumps me for Wallace in front of the whole class.

I can still see their faces,

everyday - pointing at me, laughing -

you know, nine whole years on I still haven't gotten over her,

she's still the one for me,

I just gotta make her understand,

but she won't return any of my messages -

and it's not like she doesn't get them,

I've send so many!

See - I've listened to you very carefully,

and it's obvious to me that you're suffering

from terrible sexual tension.

If you ask me,

you require passionate sweaty red hot love making.

You need to be thrown on a bed,

bounced up and down,

spun round and round until your head explodes

and your body gives up and you beg for mercy - but -

you can't stop there.

You need to go at it again

and again and again

and again and faster

and harder and harder and faster,

all night long and all through the next day!

Then you'll be cured.

Who would do that with me?

I'd be happy to,

right now -

but I can't.

They won't let me.

They watch me, with that

and plant rules forbid

any physical contact.

- So - ? - So,

why don't you come over to my place tonight

- and we'll make you happy there? - Yeah.

It's 45 Rumproast Way.

We'll go straight to my room and start your therapy.

- How's 5.30? - 5.30 is great!

Terrific.

See you then.

Bye!

Your attention please.

Here is what's on today's lunch menu.

Beef, beef,

beef - and beef!

And before you know

it she's got her nose in the grass

and the greenest elbows

in Prime Ridge!

About time.

Slap it in.

I've got these horrible allergies.

Terrible hayfever, always have,

and he hated me for it,

told me I was a pansy,

He nailed that one right on the head!

You need to be thrown on a bed,

bounced up and down,

spun round and round until your head explodes

and your body gives up and you beg for mercy - but -

Oh, come on baby!

Cleasby!

Just the man we've been looking for.

Dulcibella.

so Tammy, the ball busting manipulator that she is,

dumps me for Wallace in front of the whole class.

Ah, poor widdle Cleasby.

He's too sensitive to work

on the kill floor.

His daddy's a meanie,

and the girls all hate him!

You know why?

Because you're an imbecile.

A spaz.

The girls puke at the sight of you.

Let him have it.

No, don't -

Stop and smell the goldenrod,

allergy dweeb!

You're pathetic.

And your date with the new stress counsellor -

not that it's gonna happen -

would be a disaster,

because you're a disaster.

As for me,

I'm gonna return this tape

march into that Xev

honey's office

and get down and dirty

with her right there and then.

I'll bring a tape of that back when I'm finished.

Keep hurting him.

Hey, Tad took the wrong tape.

That's OK, we'll watch it again.

Cute,

real cute.

We've tracked 'em down

to Prime Ridge, Ohio.

- Prime Ridge? - That's right.

World's nicest town.

Still -

me and my team are gonna go in.

And if we have to, we'll

barbecue Prime Ridge.

Bang.

Time to remove your teeth,

Mrs Blassmireinen.

Eww!

To hell with the rules!

I'm the plant manager's son.

Look - I'm hunky,

you're cute.

I want your naked expertise

and I want it now.

I said no.

Nobody says no to me.

I just did.

You can't refuse me.

Look what I'm packing.

There's more beef here than

in this whole plant.

You remind me of Stanley Tweedle -

and that doesn't work for me.

You can't refuse!

I need to get better, I have to be satisfied.

Now come here and do your job!

Where's Cleasby?

What are you guys -

Cleasby

is to blame

for all of this,

and he'll pay.

Oh yeah -

that little jerk is gonna pay.

Dulcibella,

I wanna tell ya,

Stan the man is gonna

open your can,

and then he's gonna

thrill ya.

Hello?

Dulcibella?

That you sweetheart?

You're early my sweetheart.

I'm just giving myself a little rubby dub

before our sweet encounter.

What's the matter?

So overcome with desire that

you wanna come in right this instant?

Oh, I see -

can't hold out any longer?

Hmm. OK then -

I guess you'd better

get in here right now.

- You're not Dulcibella! - No,

I'm her daughter, Piccolina.

She didn't tell me she had a kid.

Well she wouldn't.

She says she's disowned me, and my brother.

My mother is an alcoholic cheap tart,

who soaked my father for every cent

he had when they divorced,

and shares none of it with her children.

If you give her half a chance, she'll soak you too.

Well, that was the idea actually.

She was -

I didn't mean like that.

She will use you and throw you away.

You're an idiot if you sleep with her.

Oh well, gee - all

that stuff, that's really terrible.

But you see, every once in a while -

a long while - a man's

gotta relax his standards, you see?

And I've been priming myself

for this all day, and once I get aroused,

I can't turn it off just like

that, know what I mean?

Yeah -

I do.

Stan?

Oh Stanley!

It's Dulcibella Sternflanks.

Stanley,

I have a little present for yo.

- Dulcibella, that's your mother! - So what.

Who cares?

Who can.

Don't you want to see it?

Oh, there you are.

- No, we can't, we can't, - we can't, we shouldn't. - I see your love.

Don't. This is bad!

I hear you Stanley,

you're in the bathroom.

And I'm coming in you

there.

Dulcibella, you know,

your daughter here was just telling me

what a wonderful mother you are -

She fell in, honest, she just fell in!

- Why? - Just to bug you.

Ungrateful brat!

Degenerate penis monster!

I'll kill you both!

Oh shut up.

I will. I w -

Oh, am I really

a terrible mother?

The worst.

Now where were we Stan?

Hello!

Anybody home?

Stan!

Eww.

I meant well.

I tried to make everyone happy,

I did -

but no-one tried to make me happy in return.

Turn to my lawn...

and then drink...

and then guns...

Oh, to hell with that!

You know, if you two ladies

wanted to, er,

kiss and make up -

I'd be all for that,

as a starting point.

Cleasby Cleasby, hi!

Come on in.

Nice house.

Great - er - lawn.

- Are you OK? - Oh, yeah.

Good, fine.

Great. Then why don't you take off your clothes

and we'll start relieving some of that

- stress. - Well,

um, I've been thinking about that,

and -

I love you Xev.

I know I've only seen you once

for half an hour, but ever since then

I've stopped thinking about Tammy.

She's out of my mind.

Dad doesn't matter anymore,

and I actually enjoyed

gouging out the organs for the rest of my shift.

You've set me free!

Oh, my heart is yours,

forever.

Good. Now let's get naked and have some fun.

No,

- don't you see? - What?

Those are - guns,

right?

I can't have sex with you.

My devotion transcends the needs of the flesh,

into the realm of the sacred.

We must be united in our

devotion, but it has to be pure.

- Meaning what? - Meaning I'm gonna

blow your brains out, and do the same to myself.

It's the only way we'll be together

for all eternity!

I don't think so.

Neither do I.

This is the way it's gonna be, Cleasby.

I'm gonna air condition your ugly face,

and then this upstart counsellor here

is gonna perform her job on my body

till I say it's enough.

Why?

Because I'm me.

And that's who I am.

And people have to do

- what I tell them to! - Look -

maybe I should leave the two of you alone.

Watch the flowers, watch the flowers, watch the flowers!

Freeze, FBI!

Drop your weapons now!

No, you drop yours!

- You drop yours! - You!

Stop! This is crazy.

Everyone who's not an FBI agent

will drop their weapon now,

or we will open fire!

What's going on down there?

I don't know but

they better stay off my lawn,

whoever they are.

You!

You bastards!

Hey! I think going down there

is a bad idea!

Oh, let her go -

her whole life's a bad idea.

What are you doing?

Getting some bad ideas of my own.

My lawn.

My beautiful lawn!

- Dulcibella? - Nobody

tramples my lawn and lives!

Cry me a river, ma!

Gordon!

I thought you were in jail.

Yeah, I escaped,

and thanks to Kai here,

I got enough money to buy

a truckload of guns

- Hey ho, Xev. - and an avalanche of dope.

My head is loaded,

my shotgun is loaded,

and now I'm about to kill you, mother.

But why, darling?

Because, you're a lawn-obsessed,

money grabbing bitch,

and I'm your crack-addled offspring.

What more reason do you need?!

Now you sound just like your sister.

Everybody, please -

this is madness.

Drop your guns, and we can work

this all out, right?

After all, I'm a professional

stress counsellor. So,

please,

just relax,

everybody calm down,

that's right,

that's right,

easy,

easy.

Drop that weapon.

Kai, do something.

Dead people -

big guns.

Let's go, let's go, ok, ok!

Whoa -

nice lawn.

Move it!

It can be fun.

Stop,

please Piccolina,

don't!

Go, go from back!

I'm bored now.

Oh, sorry.

- Forget about it. - Oh Xev,

am I ever glad to see you.

I guess I'll go now.

You OK?

Don't ask.

No mercy, ma.

You treated me like meat,

now I'm gonna turn you into a carcass.

Gordon -

you were a happy baby.

Gordon!

I thought you were in jail.

Hey sis!

No, I escaped.

Now I'm about to blow ma's brains out.

What did you do that for?

I thought you wanted her dead.

That was the crack talking!

This is definitely a Type 13 planet,

and right now - it's beyond

its last stage.

Don't think about that now,

think about getting out of here alive.

Alive? Alive's good, I'm all for alive.

I wanted to make you happy.

Oh, I love you too

Skankita.

Hey, thanks for everything man!

Oh, god.

- Piccolina. - Cleasby.

You were about to kill yourself.

Oh yeah, I'm filled with hate and pain.

Well, I understand.

Life's a bowl of crap,

but that's no reason to take your own life.

You're right, so right.

- Piccolina? - Yeah?

I love you.

Oh which means I'm gonna have to kill you.

Ah, go ahead.

- I don't care. - Really?

Yeah. Everything sucks anyway.

Wow, you're something else.

I don't think I can kill you after all.

Oh well, umm -

let's get it on then.

- Oh no. - What?

Kai, his protoblood

has expired.

Quick Stan.

- Coming? - I'm coming, I'm coming

Jump!

Stan?

We're stuck.

No we're not.

That car, we can take that, come on.

- All right, the key thing is in. - OK,

just like the space shuttle. That pedal makes it go,

and the lever makes it go backward and forward.

The wheel thing is for turning it.

Right, I know - Rooster had one.

That's right, run.

Run as fast as you can.

I'll be right behind you.

That was amazing.

With you in my life,

I think I can start resolving

some of my issues.

OK.

Just -

bathe a little more often, OK?

You smell like rancid tartar.

Sure darling.

Bang!

Man,

I really need a hit about now.

Mikl (������������� � �������������)