Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

# WILBERT HARRISON: Let's Stick Together #

(POSH ACCENT): Good morning, gentlemen.

(INHALES AND EXHALES SHARPLY)

My show, my terms.

I propose that we reunite,

for the purposes of making Just Barbara.

And as Britain's topmost comedy writers,

we also have some terms... And some conditions...

That will need to be met. That will also need to be met.

More pay. Double the money.

Photographs of our faces to appear on the screen credits.

Like Galton and Simpson. Caption before the show title.

Yeah, to read "Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes present"...

Anything else?

A slap-up lunch. Hmm.

And what do I get in return?

Some extremely well-crafted gags.

Quite well-crafted gags.

Well, thank you for outlining your terms, gentlemen.

I will take them into...serious consideration.

Right, done that. (ALL LAUGH)

Have whatever ya like, lads, it's good to have you back.

(ALL CHEER) (POSH ACCENT): Eunice, bring on the biscuits.

# Bring on the chocolates, yes please. #Smashing, I'm starving!

Oh, shit.Oh, crumbs.You chancers are lucky to have a job.

Thank you for the terms and conditions,

they are utterly ridiculous. (GASPS)Now, do get out.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thanks, boss. Sorry to disturb.

Thank you so much. Sorry, Ted.

(WHISPERS): Out! (WHIMPERS)

# EMMA FRANKIN: Piece Of My Heart #

# But when you hold me in your a-arms

# I'll say it again

# So, come on

# Come on

# Come on

# Come on, and take it

# Take another little piece of my heart now, baby

# Hey # Break it

# Break another little bit of my heart now, baby

# You can # Have a

# Have another little piece of my heart now, baby

# You know you got it if it makes you feel good

# You're out on the street... #

Oh, yes, Ted, of course, Ted. Can I lick your arse, Ted(?)

Oh, give it a rest, Bill. What were you doing?

Uh, standing there thinking about shoes.

Ah, the old familiar Bill and Tony tang of fags,

sweat and desperation.Er, excuse me, I'm always expensively perfumed.

Well, he dowsed himself just for you, in eau de odour.

Great example there of a gag that only works on the page, Tony.

And here's one that only works on the finger, Bill.

So, chaps...

any thoughts on act one? What, of the sitcom?

No, the Merchant of Venice(!) Yeah, of course the fucking sitcom.

Alright, give us a chance. (SCOFFS)

Well, I just, I thought I saw a piece of paper with words on it.

No, er, y-you must be thinking of this.

What's that, Tone? It's from the director general.

Oh, crikey, the director general? Yeah,

it's just welcoming us back, but there are some new taste

and decency rules for the old green book.Oh.

Oh, great(!)"Firstly, the word 'bottom' can now be used

"only in the context of scraping barrels

"or to indicate the underside of an object,

"NOT to describe the fleshy mounds attached to a human nethers.

"This area will now be referred to as 'upper leg lumps'

"or 'chunky back-balls'."

"'Balls' must only be used in the context of tennis,

"but not in the context of a gentleman's hairy baggage,

"and 'nuts' must only be mentioned as something you put in your mouth."

(INHALES SHARPLY) "We hope you will find these guidelines useful

"for your new shit-com." "Just bra-bra."

"Yours sincerely, Director General Sir Nigel Mingeworthy Wankerton."

(LAUGHS) Well, I just... (SIGHS)

Oh, wow. Yes, that's very, very helpful(!)(LAUGHS)

But, erm, lads, you... Oh, you forgot his, er, PS at the end.

"I would also like to invite you all over to my house for drinks,

"where I will be serving my own mouth-watering cock."

Excuse me? Tails! Cocktails!

(LAUGHS) Hmm.God.(LAUGHS)

(LIGHTER CLICKS) Erm...

Sophie.

(CLOCK TICKS)

Would you like a cup of tea?

# JOHNNIE TAYLOR: You Can't Get Away From It #

Yes, I-I would love a cup of tea.

Thank you, Dennis.

# You can't get away from it

# No matter how hard you try

# Cos if you really lover someone

# You can't ever say goodbye

# Now they can walk on you

# Lie about you... #

(BUCKET WHEELS SQUEAK) (SIGHS)

(SQUEAKING CONTINUES) (SIGHS)

You wanna put some oil on that, Marie.

It's like you're strangling a budgie.

She was right on the end of the telephone,

and you couldn't rouse yourself to say hello.

(SIGHS) God.You know it wasn't like that.Well, What was it like?

She wanted to hear your voice,

hear you say it was alright.

Well, I can't do that.

(SIGHS)

Didn't think it was that bad.

It was a bit cheeky chops, but it made me smile.

(SIGHS) I'm not talking about the telly show,

sister of mine, I'm talking about what happened with her mother.

We decided- You decided.

I always warned you that all this cloak

and dagger nonsense would come back to bite us on the bum side.

Backside. I didn't get a say. (SIGHS)

Oh, change the bloody record, Marie.

I'm sorry that you never had a kiddie of your own.

I have made my peace with that, but I have not made my peace with...

(SIGHS) Our Sophie, doesn't have a clue what's going on!Our Sophie?

Don't call her that. I will call her what I like.

She's our Barbara. She's not our Barbara anymore.

We've lost her.

And I miss her.

I miss her! (CRYING)

And you think I don't?

(SEAGULLS CRY)

Alright, alright, alright, not that. Er...

Right, erm... What about this?

Er, Barbara goes on a cookery course,

er, finally meets the perfect fella,

cos he CAN cook,

but he... He... He's not falling for her charms.No,

wouldn't happen.Well, why not? Some men are great in the kitchen.

No, that's not what I meant. (SIGHS)I meant...the charm.

Sophie, you'll just have to tell us,

what is it like out there for a modern young woman?

Well, I'm not really out there.

I'm... I'm... I'm more out but in.

I know the feeling.Come on, Soph, you've been with different fellas,

and you've been engaged a couple of times.Oh, my God.

You make me sound like Elizabeth Taylor.

How many times she been divorced? Five, six?

Teen?Yes, well, let's not shame a woman for being divorced.

Yes, alright then, Den. Come on, what about you?

You must've, er, done some, catting around before you met Edith.

I met Edith during fresher's week at Cambridge.Oh!

(THEY MOCK)

So, there's actually a week where the students get fresh with each other?

Well, it's... It's not that sort of fresh.

Exactly that kind of fresh from what I've heard.

Erm, Bill... (CLEARS THROAT)

..why don't you, er, tell us about your experiences?

Well, my experiences are going in my book.

You'll have to pay if you want to read about those.

Tony, what about you? Well, thanks for asking, Bill.

I-I would love to share the personal aspects of my private life

for you to rip the piss out of(!)

How about Barbara's just ended it with her boyfriend, and-

They have break-up sex. Or make-up sex.

Make-up sex?

Sex with make-up? Is that a thing? Oh, it's a thing.

There's no sex going on at all.

Shall we just go for that slap-up lunch?

Alright. Come on, let's get on.

No, no, no, no, no, the best punishment in Dante's Divine Comedy

is the one inflicted on the gluttons.

(ALL LAUGH) Pushed into a stinking pit of mud

and watched over by a three-headed hound.

Now, that's funny! (ALL LAUGH)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Your ex could learn a thing or two about the classics. (CLEARS THROAT)

Ah, I think Dennis is aware of the legacy.

I wish he were aware of the urgency of giving you a divorce.

Can't expect to be sitting here like a chump, twiddling my thumbs.

I'm sorry, Vernon, it's...

it's not that simple, I... Oh.

Goodness. (PEOPLE CHATTER)

So... That's awkward.

Edith and Vernon Whitshit. Mahindra.

What are you doing standing there like a pillar of salt?

Den, you make a run for it, we'll, uh, cover it with dance.

We were just talking about Dante's Divine Comedy.

Sorry to hear about your own fall from grace on the other channel.

It was hardly the fiery pit of hell. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

We were just thinking about doing a piece on Pipe Smoke,

looking at...

modern comedy in the context of the classics.

Well, I'm sure everyone's looking forward to that.

We should have you on as a guest.

Oh, uh, are we... Are we sure about that?

I'm sure there are more qualified people than me to talk about that.

Yes, and we'll make sure they're on the programme too. Ha!

Alright, w-well, we should be getting on. Show won't write itself.

Er, well, from what I've seen of the previous series,

it certainly looked as if this one was making it up as she went along.

(LAUGHS)

(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, I've got an appointment.

And, erm, we... We should get back to our editorial.

Whaddaya say, Mahindra?

Continue this on air?

Join us on Pipe Smoke.

Defend modern comedy.

How am I going to bear working next to Den for months on end?

Maybe I should explore other options.

Hang on, you were only just banging on about how excited you were

to be "back in the room" with Tony and Bill and Den.

Yeah, but it's not the same. It's not fun.

Alright, it's work. It's not supposed to be fun.

This is great. I'm loving this conflict.Oi! Oi!

W-What's that? Where'd you get that? What is that?(CAMERA WHIRRS)

I can't get a job in front of the camera,

since I'm apparently too much of a risk, which...

either means I'm too much of a woman

or too much of a, not white.

So, I decided to seize the means of production

and get behind it. That's brilliant, Diane.

Thanks. Oh, my God, she was at Pandy's party!

Lynda Jay? Are you sure? She was really nice. We had a chat.

She gave me her number. Sophie, she is a snake.

She's made a career taking other women down.

You didn't say anything?

No.

I mean, we did... We talked about my dad,

but obviously I didn't say anything. Cos he's not even speaking to me,

so I've no clue what's going on.

What's he trying to hide? Whole thing's driving me doolally.

Er... Er, have you thought about trying to find your mum?(SIGHS)

Well, where would I even start?

All I know is she liked a bit of ballroom dancing.

I mean, what use is that?I mean, it can't be that hard, though, can it?

Someone surely could find her.

Diane could have a dig.

Couldn't you?

I can't believe you said yes.

"Welcome to Pipe Smoke,

"the show where boring bastards blow smoke

"up other boring bastards' bum holes."Oh, yeah.

"I'm Vernon Whitfart." "I'm Vernon Fuckfield."

"I'm Vernon-" Chaps, chaps.(LAUGHS)

This whole mispronouncing his name thing, it's old hat.

His name is Venereal Whitfelch. (THEY SPIT)

"Majorie. Tell me about yourself."

What do you... Like what?

My name is Marjorie. Mm-hmm.I-I work in a...

I work in a shop, in...in the shoes department.

And do you have a boyfriend?

I have a Roger. (LAUGHS)

And what does Roger do? Er, well,

plenty of things. M-Mostly carpentry.

So, he's good with his hands? (LAUGHS)

"Do grow up, you two." (BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, so go on. Is it love?

I've never been in love before. I mean, how wouldIknow?

When you know, you know.

It's a really special feeling. (BOTH LAUGH)

I mean, I get a special feeling when Rog has a noodle in my nick-nocks...

(THEY GASP) ..but that's not love, is it?

Oh, Marjorie! Mar-jor-ie!What?

I mean, you do know it's a setup, right, Dennis?

That Pipe Smoke lot, they hated Jim and Barbara.

They slagged it off every week.

And he was really mean about Soph.

This is Dennis' right to reply.

A head-to-head with Verble Wartcock. (LAUGHS)

Right, well, if you ARE going on national television...

we need to get you kitted out. In what, an asbestos suit?

No, no, no, Dennis needs to make an impact.

Like Scarlett O'Hara in her red dress.

I think I'd look good in a red dress.

(LAUGHS) Mm.

Mm, no.

(CATCHY MUSIC PLAYS IN BAR)

What you need...

..is a revenge suit.

# SMALL FACES: What'cha Gonna Do About It #

# What you gonna do about it?... #

# ROY ORBISON: Oh, Pretty Woman #

(BELL RINGS) Hey!Oh!Oh!Watch out!

My name is Mr Edwards. If you'd like to follow me, please.

# Pretty woman walkin' down the street

# Pretty woman

# The kind I'd like to meet

# Pretty woman...

Thank you very much

# You're not the truth

# No one could look as good as you

# Mercy...

Needs more pizazz. Next.

# Pretty woman

# Won't you pardon me?...

I like it.

He's not a cage dancer on Ready, Steady, Go!.

Very, er... Johnny Morris in...

Animal Magic.

Er, it needs to shout louder.

# Grrrow...

Abracadabra.I feel like I'm about to saw someone in half.

What about a suit something like this, hm?

Nothing shouts passion like purple.

Except for when it shouts, "Here comes the Pope."

Nathan, go and fetch the purple rolls of silk to show Mr Mahindra.

Yeah, I'll help.

# Pretty woman, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Pretty woman, look my way

# Pretty woman, say you'll stay with me

# Cos I need you

# I'll treat you right

# Come to me, baby

# Be mine toni-i-ight

# Pretty woman. #

You are pushing your luck, mate.

It's Savile Row, not Hampstead Heath.

I wasn't gonna get busted in there. I meant pushing it with me.

Soph got us back together. We owe it to her to do a good job...

..alright, but you're too busy getting tugged off in a tailors.

Ugh, and everyone thinks you're the cuddly one.Fuck off, mate!

I'm just saying we both need to get our heads in the game.

Yeah, well I'm trying. It's hard with star-crossed lovers

in the writers' room. It's hardly a fun factory, is it?

I know, but if we don't step things up,

Ted Sargent is gonna flush us

and our scripts straight down the shitter.

OK, well, you go home and step things up.

I'm stepping off over there.

What... What, another one of your secret clubs?

No. I'm having a drink with my literary agent

to discuss what she calls my magnum opus.

Right, Bill, a-about this book.

You're not, you know, using real names and...

..putting in personal details and that?Yeah.

Yeah, there's a whole chapter all about you, Tone.

Is that a problem?

(LAUGHS)

# SMALL FACES: All Or Nothing # # All or nothing

# Yeah, yeah

# All or nothing

# Come on, ha, yeah!

# All or nothing

# Yeah!

# All or nothing

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# All or nothing # I guess I'm singing to myself

# All or nothing

# Yeah, yeah, for me, yeah. #

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in!

Young lady for you, sir.

Please, don't make it sound like I ordered one.

I'm so sorry to bother you. And yet here you are.

I-I'm not sure if it tickles the tonsils

or has an unexpected finish, but thank you.

For the other day. On the phone.

I trust you got your way with Mr Sargent.

I did. Yes. If you'll excuse me.

Charming to see you, Sophie, but why are you here?

Er, you said to stop by, so I'm stopping by.

OK, I'm running late, and you find me un peu deshabille.

Un peu deshabille. Oui.

Vous parlez Francais? Beg pardon?

Do you speak French?

I speak fluent American.

(AMERICAN ACCENT): Say, Mr Allen, let me fix you a highball!'

(LAUGHS) I don't know what a highball is.

Give me that before you smash the stemware.I want you to be my agent.

Please.

Unusually for you, Sophie Straw, your timing's off.

I have to be at Buckingham Palace 15 minutes ago.

Are you the queen's agent? Er...

I leave that to 007. (LAUGHS)

One of my, uh, Brit clients is getting a knighthood

for services to the acting industry. Ooh.

Though his services to the cocaine industry have been more significant.

Oh, ho-ho. You didn't hear me say that.

No... No.We'll, uh... We'll talk next time I'm in town.

Oh... OK.

(SNIFFLES) I just...(SOFTLY): Alright

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Damn it.

It's right over left and under.

Do you want me to...?

Yeah. In... In the States they're all elastic.

The fishy comes through the hole to the bunny,

and they kiss. What happened? Last time we met,

you wanted to cement your name on the TV comedy walk of fame.I...

I... I do. I do. But I-I...

I might need to explore some other options further afield.

In a film, perhaps.

Might this be for personal reasons?

Oh, that would be very unprofessional.Although,

that's something I can work with. Hmm.

This movie, the lead actress dropped out suffering from exhaustion.

She's currently exhausted somewhere in the Caribbean,

on top of Warren Beatty. Oh.They need a replacement.

Oh, I told you, I can't speak French.

Who cares? You can do the accent. Plus,

all these "nouvelle vague" films? They're all about the pout.

# GILLIAN HILLS: Tut Tut Tut Tut #

(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)

No?Looks like you're pushing a kidney stone,

but not bad. Can you get on a plane tonight?

Oh, I can't go and do a film right now.

Sophie, this business is 1% talent, 99% opportunity.

Are you saying I'm 1% talented? I'm saying this is the opportunity.

Put the booze kettle on, Marj.

Let me tell you about my day.

(WOMEN LAUGH AND CHATTER) Marj!

Marj, I feel like I'm trapped in one of my own worst nightmares.

What's the entire staff of Lewis Peters doing here?

Making placards. Yeah, I can see that.

In aid of what?

For the equal pay picket that I keep telling you about.

Us girls get paid way less than men for doing the same job

for the same amount of hours.And you think these signs will sort it?

Well- What's "wombat power"?

Oh, that's meant to say "womban". N, not a T.

Er, oi, Sharon, finish your placard! Yeah? Alright, I'm coming down.

"It's time to get Eve."

Who's Eve, and why do we have to get her?Even.

"It's time to get even." OK.

Er, everybody, remember, if you're doing a slogan,

leave enough space for all of the words to fit, yeah?

Stop picking holes in my placards, you.

Hey, you can't take these into work!

Old Miss Syksey'll blow a ruddy gasket.

"Old Miss Sykesy" is the Union Rep!

Cocking hell! Sorry, Miss Sykes. Don't be.

We could do with more gobby girls like you on our side.

(LAUGHS)

I never had you pegged as a union type, Miss Sykes.

Neither would I, but one day,

I realised that all the men I started out with

in the stockroom owned their own houses and drove flashy cars,

and every summer, they holidayed in Majora.

I rent a shitty bed-sitting room, travel by bus

and holiday one weekend a year in Margate, with my mother.

Hmm.I have been passed over and paid less for 30 years.

So, yes, I think it's time to get a little bit "fighty", don't you?

Yes. I once saw Clive's pay cheque.

He got double what I got, but I just thought I was lucky to be there.

Well, come along. Hold a placard with us.

We could do with bringing a little publicity and glamour to the cause.

I can't, I'm sorry.

Oh, Linda, you're placard's coming apart.

Diane! Where have you been?

Been doing some research.

Oh, never mind that. You should be writing about this.

(SIGHS) Where have all the eggs gone?

I'm starving!Oh, I-I've taken the eggs for ammunition, dear. You know,

if it all kicks off, I shall be aiming for a policeman's helmet.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

(SIGHS) (WOMEN CHATTER)Erm, I think we need a bit of peace and quiet.

Alright, everyone, sorry, can we pack up and that?

Beg your pardon, Miss Sykes. Sir.

Don't apologise, Marjorie.

We really appreciate you helping the cause.Ooh, what's this?

Research.

Found out where your mum works.

(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

Hello, you.

Oh... You alright?

Yeah. Work was the usual.

They loved all my illustrations for the book.

Oh, that's great.Then told me to completely change them.

Oh. (SIGHS) Baby's a bit...kicky.

Er... What...? What baby?

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Come here.

Mwah.

Oh!

(GRUFF VOICE): Hello, mate.

Hm. Oh, don't... Don't... Don't read that, it's shit.

You always say that about the first draft.

First draft? I haven't even finished the first page.

I-I-I-I keep thinking about that wanky "pram in the hall" quote.

God, what was that? "There's no more...sombre enemy of good art-"

I-I-I-I don't know who I am if...if...if I can't write.

What's the new show about?

Blah. Not our sex life again, I hope.

No.

But Bill'd love that.

He's...started needling me again.

(LIGHTER TOP OPENS) (LIGHTER CLICKS)

(LIGHTER TOP SHUTS)

Do you ever wish you were Bill?

What-No, it's OK. I know you still think about it.

I think about other men too.

What...? What?

Really? F... Fuck!

Sh-Should, er... Should we talk, talk about this or...?

I don't know. (LAUGHS) I don't want to be Bill...

..alright?But you know, i-i-i-it's not simple,

and I hate how everyone assumes that having a baby solves everything.

I-I-I'm still absolutely terrified.

Oh, God, me too. (GROANS)

Juney, if we're like this now,

what we gonna be like when the baby arrives

and there really is a massive pram in the hall?

We will move the pram to the kitchen.

(LAUGHS)

Are we...?

Are we just a couple of freaks? (LAUGHS)

Hell yeah. (LAUGHS)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING) (PEOPLE CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)

(WIND WHISTLES)

# THE ZOMBIES: The Way I Feel Inside #

# The way I feel inside

# My heart, for you?...

GEORGE: "Go on, give us a smile, love."

(LAUGHS ON VIDEO) "Cheeky! Come on."

# In your mind

# Could you ever be

# Really close to me?

# I can tell the way you smile

# If I feel that I

# Could be certain, then

# I would say the things

# I want to stay tonight... #

(GENTLE OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC PLAYS IN VENUE)

How'd you find me?

Well, the only thing I knew about you...

..ballroom dancing.

My friend, Diane, did the rest.

I suppose there are a few trophies with my name on it.

A couple of pieces in the papers.

But they don't give first prize to home breakers,

so that was the end of that. Well,

I'm sorry you never got your happy-ever-after after all.

Gave up on happy a long time ago.

So, these letters you wrote when I was just a kid...

..what did they say?

Nothing. It's, uh...

silly stuff. But if it were just silly stuff,

why... Why didn't my dad let me see them?

He had nothing to hide! I don't understand-I've got cleaning to do.

(DANCERS CHATTER)

One time I wrote to you about a butterfly...

..that landed right in the palm of my hand.

And you loved butterflies, so...

So, I told it to fly all the way to Blackpool...

..and give you a kiss from me.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

# EILEEN: These Boots Are Made For Walking #

# These boots are made for walking

# And that's just what they'll do... #

(CLEARS THROAT) Friends...

..fellow workers...women.

I-I stand here today not as your...mighty leader,

as some have dubbed me, but...

as your humble representative.

(THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)

"In 1964, Harold Wilson puffed on his pongy pipe

"and made promises to us, working women."

He lured us in,

and it won him the election. (WOMEN MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)

As soon as he entered Number 10,

he pulled out and abandoned us.

Typical man. (WOMEN SCOFF IN AGREEMENT)

Our bosses must give us equal pay. WOMEN: Mm-hmm.

And I say to you,

our loyal supporters...

(CAMERA WHIRRS)

# We shall overcome... God, she's like Eva Peron.

Mm-hmm. # We shall overcome

(HIGH-PITCHED): # Someday... Yeah, or Minnie Mouse, maybe.

(LAUGHS) Join in. ALL: Deep in my heart

# I do believe... #

Did you see how much Irene had stuck on her sign?

A for effort. She was trying, she was trying.

Not great on execution.

You're just gonna...I have a word. Oh, you'll have a word, will you?

Hi. Hey, come and have a beer. We're celebrating.Nah,

I'm alright, thanks. I'm gonna make a cup of Bovril in a bit.

Does anyone want one? Well, that's it, everyone.

The very real Sophie Straw prefers Bovril to beer.(SEVERAL LAUGH)

("These Boots Are Made For Walking" PLAYS)

(SIGHS) (GLASS THUDS)

(SIGHS) I've had a long day.

Bit strange. Yeah, we've had a mad one as well,

haven't we, girls? We got a mention in the paper for the picket.

Now, there's no actual picture,

erm, but it's still great that they're noticing us.

Da-da-da-daaa.

Oh, that's great. Well done.

She's probably just tired or something.She is fine,

thank you.

(SIGHS) Fine.

Ahem. Oh. Oh yeah.

Yeah, alright, don't make a big song and dance about it.

Make up your mind.

(SIGHS)

Can you not embarrass me in front of my friends, please?

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm embarrassing you in my own flat.

MY flat, actually.

Are you that put out by the fact that I am in the papers?

You can't stand anybody else having the limelight?

If that's what you think of me, you don't know me.

Well you only know the me that you want me to be, don't ya?

Your little friend, Marjorie.

That's not fair! I said well done.

You haven't even asked me how I am

or where I've been. Oh, showbiz party, was it?

A photoshoot for Vogue? Ladies, ladies,

maybe we can calm it down a bit, yeah? Thank you, Roger.

I think we're capable of having a conversation without a man telling us

how to do it.Don't have a go at Roger, he's only trying to help.

What's the matter with you? Nothing. Everything!

I just want a bit of bloody privacy!

Oh, right, well yesterday, you wanted to be Lucille Ball.

Today it's Greta Garbo.

(PEOPLE CHATTER IN OTHER ROOM)

Stupid placards everywhere.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Look, she'll be fine tomorrow.

Yeah, you say that, but you don't know what she's like.

# Yes, they belong to only me

# For eternity...

(CAR HORN HONKS)

(HONKING CONTINUES)

Ugh!

# Always be mine

# You're mine... #

Hello?

(CLOCK TICKS) (DOG BARKS OUTSIDE IN DISTANCE)

Pandy, can I stop here for a bit?

(GASPS) Oh, bum...

(SIGHS)

# THE TROGGS: Lost Girl #

# The times we had

# The times we spent

# The day we met

# By accident

# Was easy come

# Was easy go

# It seems a pity

# Cos I love you so

# Yes, I did... #

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hats off for rising to the challenge, Mahindra. Many wouldn't.

I look forward to it.

Vernon will give you a...a short briefing.

Rather tautological. Obviously it's short, it's a briefing.

Ahem. You can have that for one of your comedy scripts.

Right, so just a reminder of protocol.

We're live on air, so be mindful of anything that might be slanderous,

and uh, do, of course,

keep it clean, chaps.

(CREW CHATTER)

Right, well I'm needed in the control booth, so I'll...

..leave you men to it. See you out there.

New suit?

Mm. Hmm.

(DOOR CLOSES)Yes, a shame we're in black and white. Ahem.

(LIGHT MUSIC ON TV)

Right. (BURPS) Oh,

sorry, nervous burps.

Don't you worry. Den'll be fine. I gave him a bunch of jokes to use.

Oh, just nob gags, ideal for an intellectual discussion programme(!)

Mm."Coming up this evening, a late-night discussion on Pipe Smoke,

"with Vernon Whitfield, taking a closer look at situation comedy."

WOMAN: Gentleman, please take your places.

MAN: Clear the floor please. Thank you.

Going live in five, four, three...

(INTRIGUING THEME MUSIC ON TV)

(GASPS) It's starting. Oh."Modern situation comedy.

"'Inane, infantile, imbecilic.'"

"These are just some of the charges..."

Oh, now I've got hiccups! (BURPS)Oh, budge up lads.

"However, fans argue that..." Shush, you two, it's starting.

What? I'm part of the team.

(BURPS)

"Tonight, I shall be examining these assertions on Pipe Smoke."

Hello, Reverend, sir. Good evening.

Professor.

I shall enjoy ,this Mahindra.

I've screwed your wife, and now I'm going to screw you.

My guests tonight:

light entertainment comedy producer Dennis Mahindra.

Den looks like he's sat on a spike. Has he swallowed a wasp?

Great suit, though. Looks OK.

Come on, Den. You've chosen to work in

what some would consider a far lesser art form than, say, theatre.

I'm curious, what drew you to the situation comedy genre?

Well, I-If indeed we may class it as a genre.(LAUGHS)

Well, I...

"Would you care to expand on that for our viewers?""Er..."

(SIGHS) Come on, Dennis.

Erm-Clearly not. Turning to you, Professor Lomax.

"Professor..."Come on, Den, get your balls back in the game!

Well, Shakespeare is a genius,

and frankly any attempt to compare his work with the work

of my friend here's situation comedy is quite frankly absurd.

(LAUGHS) If I may say...Come on, Dennis...the language that you

and your comedy chaps use is...gratuitous.

I'm rather surprised to see, Mr Mahindra,

you've so little to say in defence of your work.

Oh, I can't look. Ugh.

Oh!I'd suggest that all situation comedy is indicative

of an overall decline in general standards. Outlandish fashion,

licentious music, from the likes of the Rolling Stones, and now...

When's Vernon Whitfart ever seen the Rolling Stones?

You rude fuck! ...all designed to appeal

to the lowest common denominator.

With sitcom being at the bottom of the heap.

Hear-hear. Come on, Dennis, he's a bully.

I don't agree.Well, I'm afraid you've rather muffed the opportunity

the mount a case for the defence, Mr Mahindra. (LAUGHS)Hear-hear.

"Wouldn't you say gentlemen?" (LAUGHS)Right.

"That settles that." "Well, not quite."I can't look.

"If you'd let me answer the question..."

I would certainly argue that comedies

such as, er, Steptoe and Son.

The Likely Lads and Jim and Barbara,

they create a...a much needed space for working-class representation.

Ah, "panem et circenses", as the Romans said.(BOTH LAUGH)

Keep the masses happy with bread and circuses.

Oh, my Christ, that Vernon's so far up his own bum hole,

he's coming out of his own mouth. Yes, if we take a show like, erm,

like Till Death Us Do Part, now, you see,

that gives us the character of Alf Garnett.

(SCOFFS)You know, a-a misguided soul railing against modern Britain

like a sort of contemporary King Lear.

Shall we all just refresh our memories with a clip

from one of Mr Mahindra's situation comedy episodes?

(CATCHY THEME MUSIC ON TV)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)

"Ow!"

(SIGHS)

Oh.

What's all this racket? Jim!Ah!

"I've done it. I fixed the pipes."

"Oh, darling, well done."

But, you know, you could've just turned off all the water with this.

(TOILET SEAT HINGES CREAK) Oh.

(SCREAMS ON TV)

Oh, dear. (CLEARS THROAT)

Well, I'm afraid that rather says it all, don't you think? Bishop?

Morally bereft and utterly puerile.

A corrupting influence on the youth of today.

Well said, sir. I...

I fail to see any comparison between Shakespeare and that.

Frankly, all I can see on that screen is an idiotic young tart

running around trying to flush a lavatory.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, now you've done it, Vernon.

You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Here we go, dive, dive, dive.

Sophie Straw is an intelligent, instinctive,

hugely charismatic comic performer of great technical ability,

and I completely disagree... Oh, do you?

..with your base summarisation of that scene,

and so would the 20 million other people who watched that episode.

Oh, quantity be damned, it's quality that counts.

Clearly you never paid attention at Cambridge University

when they taught you about Aristotle's poetics.

This is what television comedy can do best.

Oh, it does, does it?Yes. It can cut through all of this pomposity.

Pomposity?Pomposity?Yes, it is pomposity. It's exactly what it is.

Go on.There you go.Sophie and the stories that we're trying to tell,

that's the future, gentlemen. The future!

Well, that's not a future I want to be part of.

You can't stand in the way of progress.I'm sorry... Progress, no.

All this is... All this filth is is a scatological cartoon,

but according to you, as long as the great unwashed are laughing,

it's perfectly alright.I think I see what's happening here.Oh, yeah?

Go on, both barrels. "Yes, yes."

You...and your cronies...

Cronies?..you feel that comedy belongs to you.

Of course, it doesn't belong to you, does it?

It doesn't belong to me. It belongs to everybody.

I'm heartened to hear it doesn't belong to you.It has the power

to challenge the establishment.Or your type, your ilk. Let's face it,

you wouldn't be happy even if comedy did belong to you.

And you wouldn't be happy until you saw somebody on the television

taking an actual big fucking steaming shit!(ALL GASP)

(CONTINUOUS TONE)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(PEOPLE MURMUR) (TONE CONTINUES ON TV)

Well, someone didn't read the green book.

Vernon Fuckfield.

(TONE CONTINUES)

(CREW WHISPER)

MAN: "Due to technical difficulties, the current programme

"has been interrupted." He's broken television."For which,

"of course, we apologise. In the meantime,

"we have the pleasure of showing you a programme about basket weaving."

(MIC FEEDBACK) Ugh.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

(PEOPLE CHATTER)

Looking for something?

I hope you're pleased with yourself.

Vernon's on the phone to the director general.

VIA SPEAKER: "You got the show shut down."

Well, I... I think Vernon did a...

good job of that all by himself.

Actually, watching you was sort of thrilling.

You were positively gladiatorial.

Made me rather wish you'd fought that hard over me.

(PANTING)

(GASPS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

"Actually, it was damn sexy."

# DIONNE WARWICK: Walk On By #

# If you see my walking down the street

# And I start to cry

# Each time we meet

# Walk on by

# Walk on by

# Make believe

# That you don't see the tears

# Just let me grieve

# In private cos each time I see you

# I break down and cry... #

(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

# FABIENNE DELSOL: Laisse Tomber Les Filles #

(SINGER SINGS IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH):

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(SINGING FADES AND MUSIC STOPS)

Subtitles by Sky Access Services www.skyaccessibility.sky