Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult themes.

NEWSREEL: From starry-eyed sirens to sparkling sights of another kind,

all through the year the work goes on

for the biggest day in the town's calendar.

35,000 coloured lamps will shimmer and shine in splendour.

No, sir, not Christmas, not Bonfire Night...

the Blackpool Illuminations.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING) But the question on everyone's lips is...

who is this year's celebrity to do the big switch on?

# THE TREMELOES: Here Comes My Baby

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

Oh, my God! (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

# He's walking along that lonely mile

# And every time I do

# I keep seeing this picture Of you...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SHUTTERS CLICK)

Come on! Let's have a family shot!

# Here comes my baby

# Here she comes now

# Walking with her love With her love... #

Smile, everyone.

She's the star of Jim and Barbara,

so let's all stamp our feet and shout...

as loud as our Lancashire lungs will let us...

for Miss Sophie Straw!

(CHEERING)

Ey up, cockers!

By heck, it's good to be back.

(LAUGHTER)

When I was little,

the highlight of my year was watching these lights get switched on.

Do you remember George Formby tickling his banjulele?

And who can forget...

the gorgeous Hollywood star Jayne Mansfield?

(OOHING) Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Bucket of ice for Mr Mayor. (LAUGHTER)

I hardly dared dream that one day it would be me up here.

But here I am! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, shall we get on with it?

(CHEERING) How's your counting?

ALL: Five, four...

two, three, one! (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING)

# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: I Only Want To Be With You

# I don't know what it is That makes me love you so

# I only know I never want to let you go

# Cos you started something Oh, can't you see?

# That ever since we met You've had a hold on me

# It happens to be true

# I only want to be with you

# It doesn't matter where you go Or what you do

# I want to spend each moment Of the day with you

# Well, look what has happened With just one kiss

# I never knew That I could be in love like this

# It's crazy but it's true

# I only want to be with you #

(RATTLES)

Ta-da.

(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da! (GASPS)

Oh, that Flatley dryer's got to go.

It's like sticking your head in a concrete mixer.

I preferred it festooned with Marjorie's damp pants,

like gusset-y bunting.

Mwah. Oh, get away, go on, yer!

Jesus, that's a big lad.

So, how was it, then? How was the Blackpool lights?

Were there thousands of adoring fans screaming your name?

Did you not see it on the news?

Oh, did we not see that one? No, I missed that.

(CHUCKLES)

Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.

Did they turn up, then? Your family?

Family? It's more like a bag of broken biscuits.

Right, well, Marj's special tea it is, then.

Sign this.

And...kiss that.

(LAUGHS) Mwah!

Diane.

Thank you.

Whoa!

Here she is, lady bountiful. Spread the wealth.

Diane's just helping me out until she finds some proper work.

Actually, I started a new secretarial job on Thursday.

Oh, that's great.

I got fired on...

Friday... for not having sex with the boss.

Dirty dog.

Did you report him? To who?

Well, we've been having these meetings at work

talking about better working conditions and equal pay.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.Maybe that's a feature piece I could sell.

Well, yeah, instead of sitting round here,

replying to madame's creepy fan mail.

My fans are lovely. Oh, lovely?!

This one has sent you a bit of his...

down-there hair stuck on with Sellotape.

Oh, yeah, that'll be Denzil from Devon. He's a regular.

I'm surprised he's got any pubes left.

The press were sniffing around again, asking who my new fella is.

How is Dennis?Imagine he's got a healthy set of pubes.

Marjorie!

So, it's still under the radar?

We're not allowed to be seen alone together,

not until the divorce comes through.

But not long now, though.

(SIGHS)

Oh, it's mad how much I miss him.

I keep imagining Dennis and the lads having a brilliant time

without me over on the other side.

(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame Harold bleedin' Wilson.

He encouraged these lazy beatniks and long-haired layabouts,

so shut your pie-hole, you silly old nag.

If you call me a silly old nag one more time...I shall leave you.

Shut your pie-hole, you silly old nag.

Right. I warned you. I'm off.

Where are you going? Anywhere you're not.

DENNIS: Very good. Thank you, Dilys. Thank you, Ronald.

Oh, just a um...

a prescription.

It's doctor's...doctor's orders.

(COUGHS)

(STAMMERS) Dennis, um...

could we suggest - Could I suggest...

actually, we put in a line about these bloody immigrants...

coming over here - Yes, Ronald.

Um... If you could, please, just...

hold that thought for just a second, thank you. Yes, Tony?

Yeah, no, yeah. Um...

Just that um...well...

we-we imagined um...

this couple to...

be a little less...

A bit more...

..like us. Yeah.

Well, I'm...

I'm sure the accents will come along.

Oh, rest assured, the accents will arrive at the station.

We are classically trained actors.

I was Puck... to Larry Olivier's Bottom.

(CHUCKLES) Blimey.

Oh.

DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.

That's it.

MAN: So, here we are at the good old rehearsal rooms.

Your first day on Just Barbara with a brand new team.

They've got some splendid ideas. (CLEARS THROAT)

And they're very excited to meet you.(CHUCKLES)

They've worked with absolutely everybody from Jimmy Edwards

to, well, the Carry On team... Ooh!..and beyond.

My personal favourite was their hilarious sitcom about a husband-and-wife tennis team.

I loved that one! Ah, and yes, here we are.

Sophie Straw, meet Colin Curry and Leslie Lanagan.

Hiya.

It is a real pleasure. It's lovely to meet you.

It is an honour, Miss Straw.Oh, no. No, no, the honour is all mine.

I grew up watching your TV shows.

New balls, please! (LAUGHTER)

That was one of yours, Leslie.

Good pun. I salute you, Leslie.

Well, no, I salute you. No, I salute you, Leslie.

Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you. I saluted you first.Uh...

I have a very good feeling about this, indeed.

Splendid! Why don't we uh...

get it on its feet?

I don't do standing-up acting until the dress run.

She doesn't do sitting-down acting, either, as far as I recall.

Oh, isn't bitterness an unattractive quality?

At least I've got a fucking quality, dear.But I've got top billing.

TONY: Are we on-script or off-script right now?

Why don't we um...

channel some of this energy and read it one more time?

I don't rehearse after 11:00am.

So, we went away, and we had some thoughts about...

what job Barbara could do.

Great. Well, she's got to earn her own keep.

She's modern, independent... free-thinking.

She's a cat burglar.

Crikey. Yes.

So, we thought she could run a ring of lady cat burglars...

who call themselves, wait for it... He's coming, he's coming with it.

I'm coming. (LAUGHS)

Nickers. (LAUGHTER)I salute you.

No, I salute you, Sir Leslie. No, I salute you.

Now, no disrespect, Miss Straw, but 'nickers' with an N.

Yeah, because they nick stuff. And 'nickers' is a very funny word.

Exactly. Now, did we also say...

she will be wearing a slinky leather catsuit?

Oh. Goodness.

Call my agent. He's generally open before lunch on Tuesdays.

Ask him if Dickie Lester's got back about that thing.Yes. Um...

Perhaps we could uh... deal with that later.

I'd like to remind you that we have a dress rehearsal soon

in front of the team from the comedy department.

Uh... Will there be peonies?

I always have peonies in my dressing room?

Why don't I get 'peonies' in my dressing room?

Trolly dolly. Oh! Yeah...This...

This... Now, this is good.

So.Here we are. Barbara gets a job as...

an air hostess.

She wants to marry an airline pilot. So...

she wants to get to the front of the plane, the uh...the cockpit.

Another funny word.

Finally, you get there.

You go through the special door,

and here is the zinger.

(GASPS) The Captain's a woman.

What? N...

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

She gets her skirt caught in the emergency door lock,

and then... (MIMICS SKIRT RIPPING) (LAUGHS)

..she's suddenly in front of the Captain, and uh...

In her underwear. Yeah.(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

Anyone for a liquid lunch?

Ah, no, we should uh... finish what we're doing here first.

Why bother?

It's a fucking joke desert after page seven.

(CACKLES) (MUMBLES)

I see Just Barbara as a sitcom about a modern woman from the North

getting into funny situations in swinging London.

Could she still wear the catsuit?

(SIGHS)

(QUIET CHATTER)

As much as I would love to stay in the pub all day playing dominoes,

we do actually have work to do. No...No...

Most great writers don't get started till they've necked a pint of gin.

Right, Tony?Right, yeah. Yes. Dylan Thomas, Brendan Behan.

Hemingway. Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.

And all quite dead. No, no, no.No, no.

No, listen, why don't we just have one more?

That's it. Yeah.

MARJ: Come on, just a quick one.

Oh.Oh! Look who it is!

It's Marjorie, Diane...and Sophie.

What a coincidence! Barman.

# You're my world You're every breath I take

# You're my world

# You're every move I make

# Other eyes see the stars... #

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

It's good to see you, Miss Straw.

Hello, Mr Mahindra.

DIANE: Sophie. Dennis.

I've got a great seat for you. There you are.

Another brilliant waistcoat. How you been?Just...here. Wonderful.

To the awkward squad. (CHEERING)

We have made the male character a horrible, ranting, old bigot.

And as luck would have it, the actor Ronald...

is a horrible, ranting, old bigot. Yeah.

I'm ready to pack it in and hand the money back, to be honest.No.

June's already spent half my cash. She's ordered a massive pram.

I dunno how big she thinks this baby is gonna be, but I reckon I could fit in it.

You do actually look like a giant mewling infant.

Mm, you smell like one. Did your mum forget to change your nappy?

Did your mum forget to leave you in a bin?

Oh.Do you miss all this sophisticated banter?

I miss it all.

MARJ: Alright, my round. What's it gonna be?

There you are. Can I just grab...

Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry, miss. Excuse me. Geez.

Oh. I hope your boyfriend doesn't come over and bash me.

Boyfriend? Don't be daft.

Oh, your husband, then. Hu...

I wouldn't marry any of that lot.

(CLEARS THROAT) Just grab these.Yeah.

LANDLADY: Alright, love? Whatcha havin'?Uh...

Three gin and tonics, a whisky and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)

You don't often see a lady getting the rounds in.

Yeah, well, why not?

Might get paid less, but it's all worth the same, innit?

Hm. Well, you've told me.

I'm Roger, by the way.

Marjorie. Marj, if you like.

I do like.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright, that is for those two fellas.

Has Marj found a new friend?

Everyone, this is Roger.

Yes, hello, Roger. Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'

ALL: Hi, Roger. Would you like a seat, Rog?

No, no, no, it's alright. My mates are baying for more beer, so...

Oh, right. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. Fella over there said you're the Northern girl off the telly.

Oh, no, she gets that all the time. Northern? Nah, nah, nah, nah.

I'm from down the road from Marj. Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.

That's the one. Ah.

Anyways, it's nice to meet you all. Yes, you too.Yeah. Bye, Roger.

Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger. See you, Rog, mate.

DIANE: Wow, Marjorie's got a wanker.

Ding-dong. (SIGHS)

So, when...when do you think we can be together?

Well, you know, meeting a lawyer, so...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) Can't wait.

Yeah, our sitcom's about a couple getting divorced.

MARJ: Right, so I suppose you've made the wife

the usual old terribly naggy trope.

Actually, Marj, we haven't, because it's not...(SHUTTER CLICKS)

# THE EASYBEATS: Friday On My Mind

We're surrounded.

I've got an idea. Drink up now.

# I'm gonna have fun in the city

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# Be with my girl, she's so pretty

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# She looks fine tonight

# She is out of sight to me

# Tonight, I'll spend my bread

# Tonight, I'll lose my head

# Tonight, I've got to get to night

# Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind

# Gonna have fun in the city

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

# Be with my girl, she's so... #

Now, we're all agreed that Mrs Mahindra,

uh...or may I say Edith...

(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra...

would like to get a divorce from...

..you, Dennis.

Great. I mean, not great.

But great.

I mean, great as in it shouldn't be too complicated.

We just need to sign off on the grounds for divorce,

which might be...

unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,

incurable insanity...

desertion or adultery.

A veritable...unlucky dip.

It's adultery.

Is it? Great. Fantastic.

As in that's the quickest route.

So, we just need to find from you, um...Dennis...

um...

the name of the lady who, you know, you...

- just as the co-respondent - I'm not the one that's...

(MUMBLES)

Oh, goodness me. Well, wow. Well, wow.

In that case, um... (STAMMERS)

..Mrs M, we need to know from you...

the sex...sex details.

Um... No, no, sorry, Dennis.

You can't divorce me.

I'll be labelled an adulteress.

You know my family. They'd utterly disown me.

My career would be over. It would ruin me.

Harlot.

Jezebel! Slut!

It's true. Divorced women do get called all sorts of things.

Jeremy? Yeah?

Does kissing another woman count as grounds for adultery?

Ooh. Um...

Oh, my goodness, as in you - Not me. I didn't...

Dennis did. Does it count?

Well, that's very interesting.

It'd all depend on where you kissed her.Outside Television Centre.

No, as in, I mean, you know, where-where-where...

whereabouts on the um...on the body.

And also...are there photos?

There are no photos. We can set up some um...

rudey...rudey pictures.

I've got a very spicy photographer on my books.

Dennis, are you sure you wouldn't like to broadcast to the world

that you're in love with Sophie Straw?

And have her named? She'd be sacked on the spot.

Not to mention what the press would do to her. I'm absolutely sure.

(STAMMERS) Sorry, just... can we just wind back a second?

You're doing it with...

Sophie Straw? The Sophie Straw?

TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.

But you put the kibosh on it, so rest assured, you are being heard.

I don't even know what the plot is.

Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)

So. (CLEARS THROAT)

Barbara goes on a string of unsuccessful dates,

feels miserable, goes to the Doctor to find out what's wrong.

Falls in love with the Doctor. Who's playing the Doctor?

Casting are looking for a Clive Richardson type...but different.

So, basically, you're just trying to rehash Jim And Barbara?

Colin and Leslie are professionals. But they're not girls.

They don't understand what a young woman feels like.

I mean, what it's like to be a woman out there on her own in the big city.

Bill and Tony and Dennis included me, and what we did felt right.

Please can we borrow them back? They could write under a different name.

Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.

EDITH: Please just fuck her, Dennis, it would solve all our problems.

I mean, whatever you're doing, Dennis, you need to bottle that.

I mean, Edith is, you know, wow. And then...

um...well, Sophie Straw is, you know, blimey.

It's like something from a James Bond film.Sorry, but can we focus?

Yeah.

I want to start a family.

With Vernon Whitfield? Of course with Vernon.

And if I have them out of wedlock, the children would be bastards.

Obviously - they're Vernon's. (LAUGHS)

I mean, the problem is, because you won't...commit adultery,

and you won't admit to adultery,

you're in a bit of a pickle here.

This is absurd. I'm going to instruct a proper lawyer.

Oh, come on, that's... Dennis. Really?

Oh, for God's sake. Now, look, Dennis, sit down.

Listen, Dennis. (DOOR OPENS)

A word to the wise. (DOOR CLOSES)

If you don't want to drag her into this,

don't get photographed with Sophie Straw.

There's no-one on God's Earth...

that will think that you're not...

(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)

(DOOR OPENS) Well, thank you, Dennis.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called, Director General.

Yes, I know who he is. What does he want?

There's been a serious incident.

Sally White's...having a baby.

Sally White doesn't have a husband.

No, so she borrowed someone else's.

You'll need to find another singer.

SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a show? She's pregnant, not contagious.

An expectant woman is not acceptable on television,

especially not one that's committed adultery.

Mm, I notice the bloke's not been named and shamed.

Sophie. (CLEARS THROAT)

Listen to me.

Just Barbara means a lot to me.

I will address every single concern that you have.

But you must, must trust me.

Alright?

(RONALD GARGLING) (DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)

The lips, the teeth, the tip of the tongue.

Um... Could we uh...relieve Ronald of his hip flask, please?

Yeah, it uh... it might require surgery.

(DILYS WARMS UP) WOMAN: Excuse me, Mr O'Rourke.

Can I please take your hip flask? Fuck off!

WOMAN: Oh, uh...

Mr Mahindra doesn't want too much makeup, Miss Waters.

He'd like it to feel very um...real.

Well, Mr Mahindra can shove his opinion

up his very real arsehole.

# THE TREMELOES: Reach Out I'll Be There

# Well, if you feel That you can't go on

# Because all your hope is gone

# And your life Is filled with much confusion

# Because happiness Is just an illusion

# And the world around Is tumbling down

# So, darling, reach out...

MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our washing on the line the other day.

When she pegged out her pants...

the neighbours thought it was a total eclipse.

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, it may not be Christmas,

but you're about to set eyes on a right cracker.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, um...thank you all for coming along to this uh...

dress rehearsal of a new comedy called Battle Lines,

written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner,

starring Dilys Waters... (APPLAUSE)

..and Ronald O'Rourke. (APPLAUSE)

Enjoy.

And here she is, Miss Sophie Straw!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# Ha, I'll be there... #

I blame Harold bleedin' Wilson.

He encouraged all these lazy beatniks and long-haired layabouts,

so shut your pie-hole, you silly old nag.

(GASPS) If you call me a silly old billy again,

I shall jolly well leave you!

Silly old billy? We'd never write that. She's fucked the joke!

Why can't she just say it how we - Sitting around on their backsides...

enjoying the multiple benefits of the welfare state.

Here he comes again, the pearly king of Kensington.

Excuse me!

Ronald is the finest character actor of our generation.

His Titus Andronicus was huge.

You can get a cream for that.

Anyway, a minute ago, you hated the old bastard.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never been spoken to like that in my life!

Really? I'm surprised.

(GASPS)Um... Can we uh...reset and start again from the top?

Yeah, and can we get two proper actors, please,

instead of these stuck-up old hams? (GASPS)

Well, I'm sorry we're not as common as dog's muck,

you bunch of fucking amateurs!

Argh! (GASPS)

(PEOPLE MURMURING) Oh! Ronnie!

Oh, Jesus.

MARJ: Effing hell, Diane, we are so late!Oh, don't worry.

It hasn't started yet.

I got some posh snacks from Fortnum & Freemason.

Do you fancy a truffle? Wait, what hasn't started yet?

My new TV show. Oh.

Oh! Oh, sorry. Um...Why have you got your coat on, your giddy goat?

Us union girls are staging a um...

a sit-in.(GASPS) And it may last all night.Yeah.

Sorry, we didn't realise your programme was tonight.

Oh, don't worry, honestly.

It's um... It's less pressure watching it on your own.

(GLASS CLINKS)

Sit down, Diane. (EXHALES) Sit-in can wait.

Thank you.

All they have to do is let us cast different actors,

and Battle Lines will be perfect.

Right, Den?Mm.Stand back, pregnant woman coming through.

Pregnant? What?!

Every time. Budge up, Bill. Alright.

(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV) This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV) MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.

What seems to be the problem? SOPHIE: I'm not feeling myself.

Not feeling yourself? That's my job. (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.If you just lie down, I'll get out my equipment.

Oh. I've heard that one before. (EXHALES NOISILY)

(CHUCKLES)(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) MAN: I mean my medical apparatus.

Different writers. It's a long tube with a forked end.

'You should get that seen to.' (SIGHS)

It's called a stethoscope. Can you unbutton your shirt?

Course I can. How else would I get ready for bed?

They... They said they'd cut that bit out!

Big breaths.Cheeky. Oh.

Oh, God. The old 'big breaths' gag.

(INHALES)Now I'll check your blood pressure.Do you know what?

'My blood pressure is fine.' You go on out.Mine's not!

MARJ: No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. 'Yeah, Doctor. You look a bit faint.'

Go on out, go on.Thank you. Go to your sit-on.

Sit-in, babe. It's a sit-in. You did great.

I fancy being a doctor.

Do you know what bus we getting?See you later.See you later, bye!Bye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

TONY: Fuck me.

What are we gonna say to Soph?

Could say it's a big achievement.

(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.

Yeah, definitely do that.

Cos we women really love to be patronised.

(SIGHS)

Right.

ANNOUNCER: And now on TVC...

(SOPHIE SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

MARIE: (ON PHONE) Hello, Barbara, it's Marie.

Did you see the show? Yes.

Yes, yes, we did. And did -

He... He did. We did. He did.

Marie?

You shouldn't blame us, Barbara.

Marie, what do you mean?

(STAMMERS) (APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

We did our best. He...

(EXHALES) We didn't mean to cause any -

Marie. No. Marie?

(WITH FORCED CHEERFULNESS) Goodbye!

(HANDSET CLATTERS) (DISCONNECT TONE)

'But without the chemistry of her erstwhile co-star Clive Richardson...'

'..Miss Straw is cast adrift. The sitcom...'

'..stinks!' Well, it's harsh, but true.

No, what the fuck are you eating, June?!

Is that a craving?No, it's pickled herring. Try it.(LAUGHS)

Urgh!I always have that for breakfast.Jesus.

'Miss Straw mangles the script by seasoned writers Lanagan and Curry.'

Yeah. 'With garish costumes a size too small...'

TED: '..Miss Straw squanders her talent like cheap confetti.

She seems determined to force on the public a vulgar version of herself.

Once a charming ingenue, she now totters across our screens

like a tart at a working-class wedding.'

DIANE: 'Just Barbara is just...

just bearable.'

(LINE RINGS)

(LINE BEEPING)

It's Dennis.

DENNIS: (ON PHONE) I saw the show. (SIGHS)

I thought bits of it were quite charming.

I feel stupid and ashamed.

Well, at least they...

put your show out on air.

I mean, that's a...huge achievement.

Dennis.

That's what people say when they don't know what else to say.

No, no, I mean it. It is an achievement.

They're not even gonna put our show out.

You're joking.

According to the head of the network, we can't write jokes.

Oh, my God.

Here's me whingeing on about my show, and you haven't even got one.

Of course, it's all my fault.

If I hadn't have rushed off to the other side, we'd all still be working together.

Mm. Well, if I hadn't screwed things up with Ted Sargent, you wouldn't have had to.

No. No.

None of this is your fault.

You are...faultless.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I wish I could see you.

('HERE COMES THE NICE' BY THE SMALL FACES PLAYS) Go away!

What time is it?

Party time. I'm not going to a party!

Everyone will be laughing behind my back about Just Barbara.

Everyone hates me. Oh, do you know what, Diane?

I think she's right, actually.Yeah. Maybe just throw the dress away.

Alright. She should just disappear, actually.

Maybe go back to Blackpool. Yeah.

And beg for her job back at the rock factory.

I was just trying to make people laugh. What am I doing wrong?

Three major things, OK?

One, you're a girl.

Two, you dared to be successful. Don't let the bastards win.

And three, you are hogging the bedroom,

and so get your glad rags on and piss off,

because I've got Rog coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!

Oh, I didn't bring a bottle.Don't worry, she's got a whole vineyard.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

WOMAN: So, I said, 'Aunt Lilibet, don't be so greedy!'

I mean, how many swans can one woman eat?

Diane, darling!

Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.

(LAUGHS)Sophie, this is Lady Pandora Erskine Aubigny.

Oh, fuck off, everyone calls me Pea.

Oh, you're delicious!

I could bite you! Come on.

# THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses

Cocking hell!

Oh, oh...I'm not a fan of the big cigs, Pea.

I'll play it safe with the cake.

What's this party in aid of, then?

Or is it just a normal weekday night at Pandy's?

This party is for her boyfriend, Charlie.

He just came back from Wormwood Scrubs.

Is he a prison warden?

He was doing time for GBH.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(MAN CACKLES)

Relax, and hang loose, Soph.

No-one is laughing at you behind your back.

Too busy watching their own.

Is there a buffet?

There is - through there.

Excuse me, is that the buffet?

(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

Oh, has that gone off?

Hm, it's just cheap. Aristos always cut corners with caviar.

Spend it on the scag instead. Caviar?

Wow! Get in.

Wow. (CHUCKLES)

I wouldn't have thought unfertilised sturgeon roe was your thing.

(RETCHES) (SNORTS)

(GULPS, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

You can take the girl out of Blackpool...

Oh. Urgh.

Back home, we'd throw that bit away.

I'm sorry, I would shake your hand, but it's covered in dead fish egg.

I'm Sophie. I know.

I'm a fan. Well.

You're probably the only one left. Well...

it's not often you get to see...

genuine working-class single girls like us on TV.

You really have blazed a trail.

That's not what the press are saying.

They hated my new show.

Most of Fleet Street's just a bunch of bitter old boys...

who know they will never get the chance to boff a girl like you.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Lynda, by the way.

Oh, crikey, Lynda, you speak your mind.

Your mum and dad must be so proud of what you've achieved.

I read that you are very close to your dad.

Mm.

Family, though... Mmm.

..really, that's all that matters.

You don't know who you can trust. Exactly.

You know, we should meet up. Chat some more. Us professional women...

(ECHOES)..we should stick together.

Yeah.

Don't let yourself down about negative press.

Every big star goes through it.

You'll toughen up, darling.

I'll drink to that. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(GLASSES CLINK AND RING OUT) Cheers.

(MUSIC CONTINUES) (LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(MUSIC FADES)

Are you working on a new routine or just trying to sit down?

Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.

Yeah, that would be dear Pandora's famous brownies.

Oh, they're lovely. I've had about seven.

Have you got any water?Uh... (BOTTLE OPENS)

Sorry, just a bottle of red.

This one's a little bit on the broad side with a pretty unrefined finish.

Ooh, I think a TV critic recently said that about me.(LAUGHS)

And here I am sounding like a pretentious wine asshole.

I'll look for some water for you. (GRUNTS)Oh.

Mm. Very nice.

It's an honour to meet you, Sophie Straw.

How do you know about me? You're American.

That sounded like an accusation.

You're big news! Pfft!

Who are you with? Uh... My mate Diane.

No, no, no. I mean... I mean, who—who's your agent?

Oh! Um... Uh... No-one.

My last agent had big plans for me,

which mainly turned out to be big plans for him.

I reckon I don't need another person in my life

telling me what to do and taking 10%.

I never tell my clients what to do - I lightly encourage.

And I don't take 10%. I take 15%.

You're a Hollywood agent!

Have you met Lucille Ball?

Indeed I have. (GASPS)

Could you introduce me to her? Uh...

I don't represent her, sadly.

But um... Oh.

..at the risk of sounding like my own agent,

I'm considered to be rather good.

But you're not looking, and I only represent movie stars, so...

Oh, what, you don't think I could be a movie star?

I didn't say that.

(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING) Ah, the witching hour.

My chariot awaits to take me back to The Clarence.

Can I give you a ride anywhere?

If I...If I wanted to...

get a ride in your chariot,

it would involve me getting out of this chair, and quite frankly...

I'd rather you... remember me like this.

I don't think I'll forget. Mm.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS) (MUSIC RESUMES)

(LAUGHTER)

(ANIMAL BLEATS)

(BLEATS) Hm?

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

(GROANS) Are you alright, darling?

Hm? You've gone a rather groovy shade of green.

I had too many chocolate slices.

Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.

I bunged all the good shit I had left into the Magimix.

(GROANS) (CHUCKLES)

You're adorable.

Why don't you stay and sleep it off, darling?

In fact, why don't you stay as long as you like?

Here, I'm off to the Scottish pile.

Use the place as your own. I've got a murder trial at 9:00am.

Mwah.

And don't forget to feed Samantha!

Who's Samantha? The snake.

You'll find her.

There's a snake.

Now, the reason I've called you back...

..is I've spoken to my senior divorce experts,

and they have found a loophole.

Mm. Where's my loophole?

There's always a loophole.

(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh...

Yeah.

Well, you separate. You and Mrs Mahindra.

You live like a monk and a nun.

You'll obviously be the monk.

Which means absolutely no uh...

Please stop doing that. Yes, that's what my wife says.

And then after three years, your divorce will come through,

on the grounds of legal separation.

And you are free to marry again.

Three years? Three years. Not bad, is it?

I shall get my clerks to uh...

draw up the papers.

Er... Don't have clerks.

I'll write up the papers.

TED: Critically, we took a tumble.

But the ratings were very respectable.

We didn't take a tumble, I did.

I did suggest we bring back Clive Richardson.

I don't want Clive.

I want Bill and Tony and Dennis.

You can't have them, and you're under contract.

Well, you're gonna have to speak to my agent.

You don't have an agent.

Eunice? EUNICE: Yes?

Call The Clarence, please.

(PHONE RINGS)

(GRUNTS SOFTLY) (RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello. Marc Allen.

Hi, Marc. It's Sophie. Who?

Straw. Sophie Straw?

Oh, yeah. Did you manage to get out of that chair?

Yeah, I'm here with the Head of Light Entertainment.

And you're telling me this because...?

I need a bit of a helping hand here, Marc.

Oh, you need a professional favour.

That's like um...me asking you to put on a free Broadway show.

Oh, Broadway show! Yeah, I'd be delighted.

No, I didn't offer that. And with Sammy Davis Jr.

I've always wanted to work with him. No, not Sammy -

The Director-General just called. Sophie, I got to go.

We have to announce a replacement for Sally White immediately.

Hello? Hello? Dusty.

Disappeared.Sophie? Oh. She's probably um...

(SINGS) ..in the middle of nowhere.

Uh... What about Petula Clarke?

Petula's in Paris. Oh, she's been hanging out...

(SINGS) ..downtown, where all the lights are bright.

Lulu. (SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

e-e-ell...

Ted... # You know you make me wanna shout

# Look, my hand's jumping Look, my heart's bumping

# Throw my head back... #

Eunice, could you get me the Director-General, please?

Sophie? Sophie?

Oh.

You've either been hired or fired...

but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.

Stop by and see me sometime. (WHISPERS) Thank you.

Director-General, how are you, sir?

Fine, thank you.

I just wanted to let you know -

I think I've found the perfect replacement for Sally White.

# SANDIE SHAW: Don't Run Away

On one condition. (YELPS)

# I am so much in love

# With you

# And guard all the love... #

(CAR DOOR CLOSES) Den! I was just coming to find you.

I was just coming to find you.

I've got some news. I've got news!

I've just managed to get you and the boys back on the show.

(CHUCKLES) We can all be together!

Den!

The divorce is gonna take three years.

What?! Why?

Cos Edith won't agree...

and that's the law.

Well, I'll wait.

We can...

We can still see each other.

We can still be together.

Yes, but to everyone else, I would still be married.

They can mind their own bloody business!

If we were to be together... you would lose everything.

Oh, so I don't get a choice.

I don't care about everyone else! I just want to be with you!

# You're my world

# You're every breath I take

# You're my world

# You're every move I make

# Other eyes see the stars Up in the sky

# But for me

# They shine within your eyes

# As the trees Reach for the sun above

# So my arms reach out to you

# For love

# With your hand resting in mine

# I feel a power so divine

# You're my world

# You are my night and day

# You're my world

# You're every prayer I pray

# If our love ceases to be

# Then it's the end of my world

# End of my world

# End of my world for

# Me #

(NOTE CONTINUES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# JUDY COLLINS: Both Sides Now

# Bows and flows of angel hair

# And ice cream castles in the air

# And feather canyons everywhere

# I've looked at clouds that way

# But now they only block the sun

# They rain and snow on everyone

# So many things I would have done

# But clouds got in my way #

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