Original subtitles

- Hello, raymond.

- Oh, hi, ma.

- How's your book coming?

- Good. Yeah.

- It is so exciting

To see you writing a book.

- Oh, thanks.

Thank you, ma.

- Does it have to be about sports?

- Yeah, well, it's either that

Or about mothers who can't let go.

- [laughs] - yeah.

[laughing]

- Listen, debra mentioned

You might need someone to help you get organized.

- Oh, she did. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Isn't that nice how she mentions things to you?

Listen, mom, I appreciate the offer,

But I don't-- I don't need any--

- No, no, no. It's not me, raymond.

Although I'd be a terrific gal Friday.

No, no, no, it's--I was thinking about your cousin gerard.

- Gerard? Oh, I don't like gerard.

- Yes, you do.

- Isn't he always in the hospital?

- Well, he's a fragile boy.

I mean, he--he has allergies,

And he has a poor sense of balance,

But he's much better now.

- I don't need anybody, ma, especially gerard.

- I happen to know that gerard is a very responsible young man.

And he's exactly what you need.

And I owe his mother.

- For what?

- Well, you know when robert got divorced?

She set him up with melissa.

- I don't think you owe someone

For setting up a guy with his own cousin.

- It was just to talk.

They had a lot in common.

- Yeah, dna.

No, ma, no-- please.

- Come on.

Raymond,

Do I ask for much?

I think you could do this one thing for me...

While I'm still here.

- You mean in the basement?

All right!

Relax. Don't go anywhere.

I mean spiritually.

Physically, get the hell out.

I'll ask him.

- You'll ask him?

- Yeah, yeah.

All right, yeah. - Okay.

- Tell him to call me tomorrow.

- Gerard, come on down!

- What? He's here? - Yeah.

- Hiya, raymond.

- Hiya, gerard.

So you're, uh...

You're out of the hospital.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that's good.

That's good. That's great.

- Raymond. - What?

So, uh, gerard, would you, uh, be interested in...

Uh, helping me out around here?

- Uh...Okay.

- Yeah, okay.

- Well, I'll leave you two buddies to get to work.

I'll be right across the street if you need me.

- Okay, thank you, ma.

- Oh, and, gerard, don't forget to tell your mother

That we're even now.

- Do you mind if I sit?

Sometimes my legs give out unexpectedly.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.

You know, you don't have to do this

If you don't want to.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, you know, you shouldn't be forced

Into doing something that you don't want to do.

- I'm not gonna have to do anything weird, am I?

- What? No, no. No, no, no.

- I mean, we are in a basement.

Remember when you had that idea--

- We were seven.

All right.

All right, so we're gonna do this.

Good.

Uh, so the book I'm writing is about baseball.

You follow baseball?

- You want me to say yes, don't you?

- I'm just asking.

- Yes.

- Okay.

Uh, I was thinking-- you know what you could do

Is read what I've already done and kind of proofread it.

- Oh, no. - What?

- I got a stain on my shirt.

I wanted to make a good impression.

I suck.

- Okay, so all you got to do is kind of...

Just check for spelling and punctuation, you know?

Here, you know what?

Just highlight anything that you see is wrong.

That's all.

- Oh, boy.

- What, already? Found something already?

- Do I have to use this highlighter?

- Why? Why? What's wrong?

- This is really throwing off fumes.

I'm getting high here.

- What do you want?

- How about that red pencil?

- I'm using it. I'm using the red pencil.

- Okay. Listen, you're the boss.

- All right, here. Here, here, here.

Take it. Take the pencil.

- Thank you.

"sandy koufax, nolan ryan, to name a few.

While these men..."

- What are you doing?

- Yeah, it's nothing. It's good.

Whatever. - Wait.

Gerard, if there's something wrong, you got to tell me.

- No, it's just... I don't know.

Doesn't "whore" have a "w"?

- What are you talking about?

- You called some guy a whore in here, and I--

- Wait. Wait. Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't call a guy a whore in my book.

- Yes, you do.

"lou gehrig was the iron hore," h-o-r-e.

- Horse! See, I forgot the "s."

He was the iron horse.

- Oh.

That doesn't make sense either.

- But that's good. That's a typo.

That's a typo. Thanks.

- Yeah, but you would have found it eventually.

- No, but-- but you found it.

- Or someone else would have.

- Gerard, you did it.

You found something. You're doing good.

- I-I might have missed something else, though.

I think I was distracted by that "whore."

- It's not-- it's not "whore"!

I don't write "whore" in my book.

- Hey, how did it go with gerard today?

- Yeah, thanks for mentioning things to my mom, peppersquat.

- What?

- I can't get any work done.

He's allergic to the pen,

And he keeps asking me stupid questions.

- You got to just give the guy a chance, you know?

- You try spending the day in the basement with him.

He's got something negative to say about everything,

Even when I compliment him.

And he keeps complaining in that nasal, whiny voice.

"oh, no, I spilled wite-out."

- [laughing]

- What?

- You could be twins.

- What?

- He sounds just like you.

- No, he doesn't.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you.

"oh, I spilled the wite-out."

- Yeah, that's me. It's not me.

- As a matter of fact, you--

- What? What?

What? What were you gonna say?

- Something about the kids.

- You really think that I'm his twin.

- No, ray, I was just kidding.

- No, you weren't. What were you gonna say?

- [sighs]

It's just that...

I noticed your heads are kind of the same shape.

- Heads?

"oh, no, I spilled wite-out."

Oh, my god, I am gerard.

- No, you're not, ray.

- Hey, I'm not blind.

I can see and hear it.

- No, you're from the same family, okay?

So you sound a little bit alike.

You have a few similar mannerisms.

Your head shape is a tiny bit the same.

But you're two completely different people, okay?

You're not gerard.

- Oh, I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know.

I know.

- Good night. - Good night.

You're a much better kisser.

- W--

That's--you know--

That's not even funny. You hear me?

- I'm just kidding you. Good night.

- Yeah, all right, I'm just saying...

It's not even funny.

You got your uncle's butt.

- So you don't live here anymore?

- No, no, I've had my own place for about a year now.

You?

- Yeah, 12 years I've been on my own.

Eight if you don't count the hospitals.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Hiya, raymond.

- Hiya, gerard.

Uh, good morning, cousin. Yeah.

- Hello, raymond. You hungry, dear?

I'm making some eggs for you too.

- Is that my shirt?

- Oh, well, he had a stain on his other one.

- All done, aunt marie.

Do you mind if I visit your restroom?

- No, dear. Go ahead.

- Be careful in there, all right?

'cause you're not getting my pants!

- Where is he going?

- Take a wild guess.

- Again?

What is he, on the installment plan?

Marie, how long is he gonna be around?

- Uh, I don't know.

When are you gonna be finished with your book, raymond?

- I don't know.

- Jeezaloo. I can't take it anymore.

- I'll tell you something.

My relationship with his mother is not worth this.

- Hey, wait a minute.

You're the one who told me to--

- I know, but he's such a mopey fellow.

- "oh, no... My leg's bothering me."

- "oh..."

- "oh, I'm allergic."

[all whining]

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

He's not that bad.

- He's a schmo.

He's got no zest for life.

- I mean, he's very negative.

How did you put it, robbie?

- Loser.

- And he only comes over here to eat.

Your eggs are ready, dear.

- You know, debra thinks that I'm a lot like him.

Uh, what the hell was that?

- What, dear?

- It was like time froze there for a second,

And when--

What are you laughing at?

You agree with debra.

- No, not at all, dear.

It's just that--

- Now that you mention it--

- [laughing]

It's uncanny!

- You think I'm like him.

And you think he's annoying, so you think I'm annoying.

- Uh, I believe that's the transitive property.

- There is something.

- Oh, raymond. Nobody says you're annoying.

You're just blowing this whole thing

Out of proportion.

- Oh, am I?

- Yeah. I-I don't hate you.

I wonder why that is.

- Just say it! I'm annoying!

Right? I got the same nasal voice.

Uh, I look droopy like him.

I'm negative.

- No, no, no, no. I know all that.

It's just it's different with you.

I-I-I--damned if I know what it is, though.

- I know what it is.

You're our son.

- That's it!

- Wait. Wh-what does that mean?

- I don't know. We're used to you.

- Used to me.

- Yes.

This means you are annoying.

We've just developed a tolerance for you.

- Tolerance for me?

You tolerate me.

Good-bye, everybody.

- Hey, hey! Don't get mad at us.

- Come on, he's right, dear.

You're the one who came over here,

Asking us if you're annoying.

- Which, in and of itself, is quite annoying.

- Why, huh? Why is that annoying, robert?

- Because you already know the answer.

See, that's you all over.

Debra already told you yesterday

You were like gerard, right?

But is that good enough for you?

No, you have to check with everybody else.

Poll the world. They won't mind.

Because no one else is really important, are they, raymond?

What do you think, we're just hanging on hooks over here,

Waiting for you to stop by?

- Hey. - Hey.

- My mom says next time they're working on my sinuses,

They should do a whole nose job.

Wh-what do you think?

- Well, we were having a conversation

About something else,

But we could stop to address your concerns, gerard.

- Hey, robert, you really want to see annoying?

Why don't you check in the mirror?

- Bravo.

All right, break's over.

Everybody back on the hooks.

- Hi, daddy. - Hi, daddy.

- Hey. Hi. Hey. - Hi, dad.

- You forgot something about last night.

- What?

- That I'm annoying.

- What?

- Yeah, like you don't know--

- Hiya, there. - Shh!

- Hi, gerard. - Hiya, kids.

Got your nose.

- Can I be excused?

- Well, raymond, I'm punching in.

I'll be down in the salt mines.

- Okay.

I'll be down in a little while.

All right, I'm firing him.

- Why? - Why?

Because everybody hates me.

And before he got here, they didn't know that.

- Oh, so you're gonna take it out on that poor guy?

- Yeah.

- Can I make a suggestion?

- You want to fire him?

- No, but if there's something about yourself

That's bothering you,

Then why don't you work on you?

- Why do I talk to you?

- [playing "smoke on the water"]

- Hey.

- Oh, hey. Sorry.

Is there a song you like?

- No, no. Uh...

Listen, gerard...

- Oh, boy.

- What?

- You're firing me?

- What?

- It's just every time in my life

Someone has said, "listen, gerard,"

It's either I'm being fired,

Or there's a medical complication.

- [laughs]

Yeah, oh, oh, no, no.

No, no, I just wanted to talk, you know?

Just...Talk.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Okay, um...

I just wanted to apologize, you know,

'cause I've been kind of grumpy with you.

- I didn't want to say anything.

- It's okay.

You know, people have told me

That if you're not happy with yourself,

You should work on yourself,

And I've been kind of thinking about that,

And that's why I think that we should work on you.

- What?

- I...

No, you see, 'cause since you're working for me,

You are then a reflection of me.

And that is why...

We should work on you.

- I don't know. I--

- Now, see, see, right there, right there,

You're not looking at me.

When you talk to somebody,

You should make eye contact, you know?

Just try--try saying something to me.

- What do you want me to say?

- No, no, you're looking at your shoes.

You should look up. Look--make eye contact.

- You said I wouldn't have to do anything weird.

- And another thing: Why you always got

To look so mopey all the time for?

- That's my face. I can't change that.

- Well, have you tried?

You should just, like, raise your eyebrows

And smile a little.

You know, like this.

Yeah--well...

Not a big scary...

That's--

That's a big scary smile; just a little...

Smile a little bit. Smile a little.

No, you look like you're in pain now.

A smile, a little smile, not a big smile.

- I don't like this.

- Nobody likes to work on themselves, gerard.

You got to stand up straight too.

- I'm not supposed to move like that.

I think I have sciatica.

- See, that's another thing. That's another thing.

Why do you got to be so negative all the time?

- 'cause I'm not very happy.

- Well, whose fault is that, gerard?

- Right now?

- You even talk strange.

You're all nasally and whinily and--

Like, the word you just said.

Right...

- "neow"?

- Okay, what does a cat say?

- You mean a talking cat?

- No! A regular cat! A regular cat.

What does a regular cat say? - "meow."

- Meow. Neow. Meow. Neow.

You see that? See how annoying that can be?

- Yeah, but what do you want?

- Try it like this.

Right now.

- Right neow.

- Try it again. Right now.

- Right neow.

- Now. - Neow.

- Now.

- Neow. - Now.

- Neow! - Neow!

- Neow! - Neow!

- Neow! - Neow!

- You say it just like I do.

- No, no, I don't! Just try it again!

Try it again! Neow!

- Neow! - Neow!

- Neow. - Neow!

- Neow. It's the same!

- It isn't! Neow!

- Neow. - Neow!

- This isn't about me, gerard!

- Knock it off!

You're really annoying!

That's right. You know what?

I quit.

I've had it with you

And your whole side of the family.

I only took this job because my mom owes aunt marie.

- My mom owes your mom!

- Yeah, yeah. Believe whatever you want.

I'm out of here, you crazy bastard!

- You got problems, pal!

You got problems, all right?

And I'll tell you something.

You're gonna go through life blind to your problems!

And there's no call for that kind of language!

Neow. Dah!

Right neow.

Ahh!

Right now. Now!

Right now! Right now!

Oh, good. Glad you're here.

I'm annoying? Huh? You think I'm annoying?

Where's mom and dad?

- Shopping.

- Okay, well, you're on page three.

I'm annoying.

You have your own place,

And yet you're always over here.

Annoying.

- That's loyalty. That's a devoted son.

- Fine, that's your spin on it, okay, good.

You can have that.

How about the way you eat?

Every time you take a bite, you touch it to your chin first.

What do you call that?

- Quirky.

If I was famous, everyone would be doing it.

- Your feet smell.

- [laughs] all right.

Now you're grasping. [laughs]

- How about that?

How about that laugh right there, huh?

That's annoying. - Amy thinks it's cute.

- She's annoying too.

I've made my point!