Original subtitles

Hey, beautiful.

Hey yourself.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Wow, I must have been a good girl.

Frannie, this Saturday, we'll have been living together exactly 6 months.

Ohh.

So I've got a little surprise for you.

Ohh.

I think I'm gonna like it.

Watch your step.

Ok, hee hee hee.

Are you ready?

Ready? I'm halfway there.

(gasps) Oh, my god!

It's a shoe carousel. I built it.

It moves your shoes so you can get to them easily.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I'll put it in your closet later.

There's even a remote.

Here. Try it.

Honey, this is better than pie.

Ohhh.

Look at my little babies.

They're, like, on a ride at Coney Island.

Well, it is our 6‐month anniversary.

I knew we weren't gonna let that go by

without doing something special for each other.

Oh, wait till you see what I got you.

Mmm.

What the hell am I'm gonna get him?

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

What am I gonna do?

I don't have a clue

what to give Riley for our anniversary.

What did you used to get Dad?

Well, for our last anniversary, I had his alimony raised.

But that was really more for me.

Allison, Riley built me a shoe carousel for my shoes.

And if you have any of my genes,

you will understand my dilemma.

Mom, it's not a competition.

Oh, you are so young.

Well, I'll help you think of a gift

if you help me think of a project for my stupid art class.

Hey, maybe I can get him a sweater.

A sweater? What am I, his mother?

I could knit him a sweater.

What am I, his grandmother?

No sweaters.

The assignment is express yourself,

like any adult wants to hear what a teenager has to say.

(gasps) I could get him a puppy.

Puppies are special.

Oh, puppies chew things. Puppies chew shoes.

No puppies.

Maybe I'll just phone in sick.

Maybe I'll get him a leather jacket.

Ooh, I shouldn't be hearing this,

but, since I did, I'm a 40 regular.

You're a 36 short.

And she was talking about Riley.

Nice cover.

Look, we all know my birthday's coming up on sunday,

and we all agreed not to make a big deal out of it.

Josh, we're not making a big deal.

We're gonna go to Mongolian barbecue,

and then we'll go to Aunt Doris'.

She'll give you a potpie with 5 bucks in it.

Good. As long as we keep it low‐key,

because in the past, you've always‐‐

Joshie, it's gonna be low‐key.

Don't worry.

We're not gonna tell either of your friends.

Hi, all. Josh.

Can't wait for Mongolian barbecue Sunday.

Oh! Riley, that reminds me.

Is your CD player still under warranty?

No. I don't think so.

Well, if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday,

get me a CD player just like yours‐‐

Only waterproof‐‐ and then keep it.

So, Fran, enjoying your carousel?

Oh, not as much as you're gonna enjoy your gift.

Tell me, what is it?

I can't tell you.

I really can't tell you.

Hey, I just came back from Austin Street,

and you know the Korean guy who owns the grocery?

Well, he told me...

(thinking) What am I gonna do for this stupid art project?

And I got in line...

(thinking) I bet Frannie's gonna get me something great.

DUANE: Groceries, so...

(thinking) What the hell am I gonna get him?

And when I looked...

(thinking) Mongolian barbecue, my butt.

They've got somethin' up their sleeves.

(thinking) They love this.

I'm the best storyteller ever.

Hi, Alli. What are you doing?

My art project blows.

It's just a picture. I want it to make some sort of statement.

What? It's a nice turtle.

It's a self‐portrait.

Oh, well, why don't you try drawing a turtle?

Maybe it will come out looking more like you.

Ha ha ha.

Anyhoo, I came up with the perfect gift for Riley.

I'm taking a specialized class in‐‐

well, let's just say it's interpretive dance for his enjoyment.

You're taking a stripping class?

Allison, how do you know?

Kelly's mom is taking aerobic stripping at her gym.

Yeah. She's lost 10 pounds

and she can take her shirt off using her teeth.

Yeah, well...

It's always good to free up your hands.

So when are you gonna give Riley his gift?

Well, Saturday night. Could you make yourself scarce?

Saturday's the dumb art show. You definitely don't have to go to that.

Oh, but wait a minute, Alli, are you sure?

Because I could change my plans. You come first.

I never want you to think that you're not a priority in my life.

Relax. You're a great mom.

Stay home. Strip.

Ahh, now if I could just

figure out a way to get Josh out on Saturday night.

Why? What's Saturday?

Uh... Mom's going‐‐

Hey, don't you have a turtle to draw?

So...

Saturday... Uh, yeah.

I have a bunch of my girlfriends coming over.

We have a, uh, book club.

Oh, yeah?

What book are you reading?

First rule of book club:

Do not talk about book club.

Hey, man, you wanna hear my story

about the Korean grocer again?

Why don't you save it for Saturday?

What's Saturday?

My surprise birthday party.

I know she's planning something special. It's her style.

It's your birthday?

Oh, come on, Duane. You know I know.

Oh, but don't tell Mom I know

because it's gonna ruin it for her.

I'm gonna play along.

What's goin' on?

I have no clue.

Hey, that's my mug.

(chuckles) Your mug.

It has my picture on it. Under my picture's the word "Riley.".

Don't tell Cap'n Crunch, but I ate some of his cereal this morning.

Alan?

"Ah‐lan.".

"Ah‐lan"?

Indeed. Your dance instructor.

Well, I'm "Fra‐han,"

your willing student.

Well, let's see what I've got to work with.

Ok.

Oh! I see that Sheena Easton had a garage sale.

Hey, I'm paying you, Ah‐lan Rabinowitz.

I used to baby‐sit for you.

That's right. I used to do your hair.

No. I used to do your hair.

Anyway...

What do we wanna get out of this little exercise?

Oh, I'll tell you.

I want to have the most perfect anniversary gift for my boyfriend.

Oh!

Yeah. He built me this fantastic shoe carousel.

He did not. Did, too.

Pull over! My hand to God.

He is just like that:

loving, sweet, thoughtful, sexy.

Stop. Hating you now.

Oh, don't be a hater.

He's also 6'3", blonde, and 28!

Bitch!

Do you think he has a brother, 'cause I am gay.

Really?

Yeah, but don't tell my mother.

She still thinks I'm a Navy SEAL.

All right. Let's get busy.

Let's get down.

Next stop: Funky Town.

(music playing)

Josh, what are you still doing here?

You're supposed to be gone.

Everyone is supposed to be gone.

You know I have my, uh...

Uh...

Book club?

No. That's not it.

Oh, yes, of course, the book club. That's it.

So, come on. Uh... I'll see you later, ok?

Ok, uh, but, uh...

What time should I return?

Oh, I don't know. Well, I have to‐‐

and then up to, uh, him‐‐ me shower.

Uh... 8:30.

Ok.

8:30.

Hey, guys. Hi.

Josh, you took up the whole driveway again.

I had to unload my truck from the street.

I know where this is coming from.

It's about the mug, right?

I'm over the mug.

Good because it broke in the dishwasher.

I tried to glue it back together,

and then I got kinda bored.

Anyway, I'll see you guys tonight at 8:30.

Oh, sweetie,

don't ask any questions.

Just go back outside, wait 10 seconds,

and then come back in through the kitchen door.

What's in the kitchen?

Only one way to find out.

Ok, Fran.

Why are you dressed like a naughty cowgirl?

(music playing)

This is new.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Ow, ow, ow! Chafing. Chafing.

Sorry, sweetie.

No, no. Don't stop.

This isn't happening.

I'm going to hell.

I forgot my keys.

Believe me, I wish I hadn't.

Oh, Josh, wait!

Oh, we have to talk to him.

I can't. Why not?

Because.

Boy, that Ah‐lan really knows his business. Here.

Josh, wait!

No. I really should be going now.

Oh, please, I'm sorry.

I thought you weren't coming back until 8:30.

No. I'm the one who's sorry.

Boy, am I sorry.

Josh, can't we deal with this like a family?

Like a family.

What kind of family?

(telephone rings)

Hello. Moms Gone Wild.

Don't worry, Fran. Josh is an adult.

He can handle this.

Are you kidding? This is Josh we're talking about.

He used to blush when I breast‐fed him.

Allison got in trouble at school.

What happened? I don't know.

It's something about the art show.

Oh, my god! Let's go.

Frannie. What?

You're naked under there.

Oh. Oh! Oh.

Allison, what is going on?

Oh, let's not talk about me.

How was your evening?

Memorable.

All right, all right.

We talked about this in the car.

You talked. I tried to go back in time.

Please come in.

Hello, Mrs. Reeves.

Hello. How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

I take it these are your sons?

My son and boyfriend.

They make a handsome couple.

My wife's cousin David is married to a man named David.

We've had them over on several occasions.

He's not my boyfriend. He's my mother's boyfriend.

I will make a note.

The reason I called you in was because of Allison's art project.

He said my piñata of the school mascot was inappropriate,

so he hauled me in here.

It's a pöpier‐maché of a bulldog.

What is the big whoop?

Well, the big whoop, Mrs. Reeves,

is that the piñata, when struck by unsuspecting students,

released a shower of prophylactics

as well as some Thin Mints.

Not exactly a shower.

There was a mad scramble.

I was making a statement.

The school dropped Sex Ed

so that the stupid football team could get new equipment.

So I get it. The bulldog represents the jocks

and the condoms is Sex Ed.

What's with the Thin Mints?

It is a piñata, Mom.

Perhaps we wouldn't even be having this conversation

if you'd taken a keener interest in your daughter.

Excuse me?

Principal Meechum, I know this woman.

She cares deeply about her daughter,

deeply about her whole family.

Heh heh!

Now, wait a minute, Josh.

You just put that to bed.

You've been to medical school. You've seen naked bodies.

Yes, I have, but not in my kitchen.

Why were you in the kitchen?

We eat in the kitchen.

Because Ah‐lan said the kitchen is the new bedroom.

Josh walked in?

Oh, man, I didn't think he could get more screwed up.

Joshie, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to give Riley his anniversary gift.

What about my surprise birthday party?

What are you talking about?

All the secret stuff that was going on‐‐

I thought it was for my birthday party.

But you told me you didn't want a party.

You said you wanted to keep everything low‐key.

Oh, Mom, everyone knows when you you say you don't want one,

that means you really want one,

right, Mr. Meechum?

Well, I'm a little lost here.

Who was naked?

Fran. She was stripping because we've been together for 6 months.

He made me a shoe carousel.

It revolves and everything.

Who cares about the shoe carousel?

What happened to the mother I grew up with?

She's been replaced by an Atlantic City show girl.

Oh, Joshie, she wasn't replaced.

I threw that woman out.

I was a stepford wife, from the original, not the remake.

Josh, we're all makin' adjustments here.

I don't like it when you use my stuff, but do I say anything?

No, I don't.

I keep it inside. I keep it to myself.

Right, like right now.

You broke my mug, man.

You see what I'm dealing with, Mr. Meechum?

Allison, in light of everything I've seen here,

that piñata is small potatoes.

You're pretty well‐adjusted, considering your dysfunctional family dynamic.

Dysfunctional?

You know, we might not be typical,

but I'll have you know we function just fine.

And you guys, I am sorry about tonight,

but all this new family stuff, it's hard.

It's just gonna take a little time,

but I'm willing to do

whatever it takes to make it work.

Me, too.

How about you, Josh?

Well, I guess I could try a little harder.

I'm sorry I broke your mug.

I'm sorry I saw your jugs.

Ahem.

Well, I think that we've taken up more than enough

of Mr. Meechum's time. Thank you very much.

Let's go home.

Mom, you want to know what I think?

Not now, sweetie.

I'm still wearin' a rhinestone g‐string that's beginning to ride up.

Interesting night.

What makes you say that?

Look, uh, Mom...

I just...

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Um, this is your house,

and whatever you want to do in it is fine by me.

Oh, Josh, it's your home, too,

and I want you to be comfortable in it,

just not when I'm having my book club.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Oh‐ho!

You guys, you didn't have to do this.

Who are you?

I'm the Korean guy from Duane's story.

I'm the grocer.

Yeah. He's the one I told you about.

(thinking] 3 years until I get to move away to college.

And all the free groceries...

(thinking] I wonder when I have to return that naughty cowgirl costume.

(thinking] I wonder when she has to return that naughty cowgirl costume.

You get a free box...

(thinking] I'm never eating in that kitchen again.

Oh! Oh! Riley! The shoe carousel's gone berserk!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Oh, I forgot I had these.

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute