Original subtitles

Good morning.

Whoa, that was quite a morning workout.

Boy, you found spots on me

I didn't even know I had.

I think I set off some car alarms.

No, babe, that was you.

How'd you get so good at that?

I love what I do.

You know, Denise's husband

hasn't done it since the Eighties.

And Rachel's husband Artie

refuses to do it unless he's drunk.

That's too bad.

Not really. Artie's an alcoholic.

Oh, and you know Karen's husband Tom

leans so far to the right,

you'd never know he was a Democrat.

What?

Is this the kind of stuff

that you and your girlfriends talk about?

Oh, no. We talk about lots of things.

We talk about, uh...

Yeah, that's pretty much all we talk about.

You, uh, you talk about us that way?

Oh, I wouldn't call it talking

as much as bragging.

Frannie, I'm not real comfortable

with you discussing us with your girlfriends.

Oh, come on!

Don't you brag to your friends about me?

No.

Well, why not?

Because guys don't do that

once they get serious with a woman.

Now, the first couple weeks, I was getting high‐fives

from strangers in elevators.

But now that we live together,

what happens in our bedroom should stay in our bedroom.

Please, don't talk to your girlfriends about our sex life.

Ok.

But you're not only disappointing me,

you're disappointing Karen and Rachel and Denise

and my manicurist and her interpreter.

Oh, and Rabbi Schwartzman's sister.

She lives alone. She's got nothing.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

So Riley told you not to talk

about you and him with your friends?

That's right.

And I can't talk to you about my sex life

because, well, you're my daughter.

And I can't talk to my mother

about my sex life because, well,

she still refers to it as her wifely duty.

Do me a favor.

Whenever you talk about Grandma and sex,

give me a small warning,

like a tornado siren or a giant flare.

We were actually saving those for when you hook up.

Josh, don't forget, tomorrow you have

a dentist appointment at 11:00.

Ooh, right. Think I might cancel.

Josh, don't you realize

that the teeth are the windows to the soul?

That's eyes.

Who's gonna be looking at your eyes

when you got no teeth?

It's just that I haven't seen Dr. Pressman in 5 years.

He's gonna be so upset when I tell him

I got kicked out of medical school.

I'm your mother, and I survived.

I'm sure Mr. Spit and rinse can deal with it.

Yeah, but Pressman wrote me a letter of recommendation,

and now I've left medical school,

and I rarely floss.

I've let him down in so many ways.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh!

Hi!

Hey.

Mwah! Mwah!

I brought party pics and plantains!

Excellent. Come on in.

Josh, I'd like you to meet

our new neighbor Gregory.

He bought the Breslin house.

Hi. So you're Josh the doctor?

I'm sorry. I mean almost doctor.

I was almost straight

until I left the prom with a guy named Ralph.

Ok.

Well, I need to go. I gotta figure out

a way to break a dentist's heart.

Ooh.

I broke a podiatrist's heart once.

It's not easy.

Hey, are those the pictures from your wedding?

Yes. You mean our "civil union"?

Oh, yeah. Our fearless leaders are just so romantic.

I know.

I don't care what you call it.

All I know is I had a honeymoon...

In Havana.

Ooh! Was Fidel Castro at your wedding?

No. That's David's mother.

At least you're gonna know

what he looks like in 20 years.

Come on, let's have some coffee.

All right.

Oh, Frannie, you know, if you and Riley

ever have any boredom in the bedroom,

may I suggest a honeymoon in Cuba?

Good to know.

But I guess you guys are still

in that first year passion palooza.

Am I right, or am I right?

I can't really say.

Oh, no.

Is it an issue of quality or quantity?

Um...

Oh, my god, it's both.

Tell Gregory everything.

I can't! I can't!

Oh, my god, sweetie. Is it that bad?

No, it's great!

But I promised Riley I wouldn't talk

about my sex life with my girlfriends.

Well, technically, I'm not a girlfriend,

girlfriend.

Oh, thank god,

'cause I was about to burst.

Hey there.

Hey there yourself.

I think I was the one who set off the car alarms

this morning.

You sounded like a foghorn.

(imitates deep voice) "Whoa, Fran!"

It was incredible.

And all you did was add a couple frozen grapes.

Well, you can thank good neighbor Gregory for that one.

Uh, I mean I read it in Good Housekeeping.

You were talking about us

even after I asked you not to?

Uh, actually, Gregory was doing most of the talking.

He was, was he?

Uh‐huh, and, you know,

the whole thing with the frozen grapes?

He calls that the Arctic Circle.

He learned it in the navy.

Fran, I asked you not to talk

to your girlfriends about us.

Well, there's a fine line

between girlfriends and gay friends.

See?

It's like stalactites and stalagmites.

So, technically, I'm not wrong.

I'm not wrong.

So why do I feel so wrong?

How do my teeth look?

I've been sucking on a whitening strip all morning.

I decided I'm just gonna talk to Pressman,

and, hopefully, he'll accept me for who I am‐‐

chief of surgery at Mount Sinai.

Give me a minute, Josh.

I just gotta find Riley and apologize.

I thought I could get off on a technicality.

Oh, hey, Mrs. R.

If I gave you a check for rent,

could you hold on to it?

Uh, till when?

Until I get a checking account.

Whatever. Did you see where Riley went?

Because we had a fight, and I wanna say I'm sorry.

Maybe he went to cool off at his apartment.

What are you talking about? Riley doesn't have an apartment.

Yeah, he does.

Riley has an apartment?

Yeah, Riley has an apartment.

Mom, you ready to go to the dentist?

Did you know that Riley has an apartment?

Riley has an apartment?

Riley has an apartment.

So?

So?

Is there something you wanna say to me?

Is there something that you wanna say to me?

You can start by apologizing

for talking about our sex life.

Yeah, you can start by explaining

why you still keep an apartment.

What?

I thought you were gonna get rid of it.

Yeah, I was gonna get rid of it.

Just never got around to it.

Well, how hard is it? You're a responsible adult.

You just stop paying the rent

and sneak out in the middle of the night.

Fran, it's not a big deal.

Well, do you ever go there?

Sometimes. What times?

I don't know. It's close to work.

I go hang out, eat lunch, whatever.

Whatever?

I don't like the sound of that.

Hey, you're the one who's in trouble here.

You know, you keeping a secret apartment

is way worse than me talking to my G. M. B. F.

Gay male black friend.

It's not secret.

It's the same apartment I had over on 65th

from when we were dating.

You never wanted to go there.

I never wanted to go there

because you said it was a dump

and you were getting rid of it.

It's still a dump, and I am gonna get rid of it.

When I'm ready, ok?

Ok!

BOTH: Good! Fine!

BOTH: Stop saying what I'm saying.

Why are you and Riley fighting?

Oh, because I think that he keeps secrets that he should tell,

and he thinks that I tell secrets that I should keep.

You're both wrong.

No. He's wrong 'cause he's the man.

Have I taught you nothing?

Ok, so he keeps an apartment.

What's the big whoop?

I love Riley.

And I love my new hot dentist

Sarah Pressman.

She took over when her old man died.

Oh, he died.

Heh heh heh!

Isn't that sad?

What's sad is one pain pill

and you're Robert Downey Jr.

I'm just being silly.

I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself.

I know that Riley loves me.

And I know my hot dentist loves me

because she said she wants to see me again...

In 6 months.

I thought that your father loved me,

until I found out that he kept a secret condo

with silk sheets and a matching bimbo!

Bimbo. That's a funny word.

Bimbo.

Mom, Riley's not Dad.

He'd never cheat on you.

I know that Riley wouldn't cheat on me,

but he did seem weirded out

when I told him that I knew about his apartment.

Oh, look. There's Riley's old street.

Hang on, kids!

Mom, this is stupid and it's illegal,

and it's never gonna work.

Well, it's still stupid and illegal.

Oh, boy. This really is a dump.

Ok, we've seen it. Can we go now?

Ew! Look at this gross rubber rug!

Mom, that's the bed.

Oh, boy. Playboy Mansion it ain't.

I think it's pretty clear

Riley's never had a girl in here.

Not without a hazmat suit.

(knock on door)

Oh, no! It's Riley!

Why would he knock?

Good point.

Maybe he forgot his keys.

Another good point.

Why would he knock if he thinks no one's home?

Yet another good point.

Who the hell are you?

Well, who the hell are you?!

I'm the super.

Then I'm screwed.

All right, you have till the count of 10

to explain what you're doing in here.

Well, it is my understanding

of the law‐‐

5, 4, 3‐‐ Ok. Ok. Ok.

The reason why we're here is because

my boyfriend told me that he gave up this apartment.

I know. Secret sex pad.

Yes!

Yeah, you know,

I could maybe turn a blind eye.

Oh, thank you.

If I had something to cover my eyes up with.

Oh. Oh. Yes. Right.

Right. Of course. Of course. Yeah.

Ok. Here. Here. Here.

Ok, just don't burn anything.

No. No. No. Thank you. Thank you.

Boy, you know, if we weren't breaking and entering,

I would report that guy.

Mom, we've seen enough,

and it's pretty clear he's not

hooking up with anyone in here.

Yeah, but if he's not messing around,

then why is he keeping this dumpy apartment?

Meanwhile, this is shockingly comfortable.

You know, sometimes a guy

just needs a place to be a guy.

He probably just needs a place of his own.

Oh, Joshie, I think that you're right.

He probably needs just, like, a guy room,

a man cave.

A place where he can keep his...Patrick Swayze DVDs?

Who knew he was crazy for Swayze?

You know, he's overrated as an actor,

but underrated as a dancer.

What? The guy can move.

Hey, I've got a great idea!

You don't have great ideas.

You have crazy ideas.

You know, you think you know me, but you don't.

Allison, go grab that bed sheet.

You, find some duct tape.

Oh, there you are.

Are you still mad?

I was outside with my miter saw.

Oh, then you are mad.

You only miter when you're mad.

Last time we fought, I wound up

with a beautiful redwood deck.

Ok, so you're still mad,

but come on down and see what I did in the basement.

So, what do you think?

What's all this?

Well, this is your new man cave.

I Febrezed it a little,

but it's still all‐guy, and it's all yours.

You did this for me?

Oh, honey, I get it now.

I know why you had to keep your own apartment.

I mean, you move into a woman's house.

You don't have any place to call your own.

You don't even have your own closet.

Honey, we share a closet,

and that's fine with me.

Yeah, but you only have a shelf and a peg,

and I use that peg sometimes.

I do.

This is really nice.

Thank you, Fran.

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I apologize.

I will never talk to my girlfriends about us again,

even the boy ones.

You know, I'm sorry, too.

I guess I made too big a deal out of this.

If you really need to talk about us,

just don't tell me about it.

Ok.

And if you really need to go to your apartment,

now you won't have to because most of your stuff is here.

Oh. Where? Here.

Where? Here!

I know it looks a little off balance

because we lost one of your end tables on Queens Boulevard.

Honey, I've never seen this stuff before.

What're you talking about?

This is not my stuff.

But‐‐ but‐‐

but we went to your apartment on 66th street.

Babe, my apartment's on 65th.

Where do you want your Santa?

Josh! Josh! We went to the wrong apartment.

We robbed someone!

No.

Yes! We're felons!

I can't go to jail. I won't last a week.

I'll get traded for a pack of smokes.

Ok. Ok. Let's not panic. Let's not panic.

I mean, nobody saw us except that old lady and the super

and that short guy in the hallway.

Fran, you're panicking.

Why don't we just take this stuff back?

Good. Good. Then we won't have to kill anyone.

I'll go get the car.

I'll go get my hairpin.

And I'll get...

Everything else.

You really thought this was my place?

That wall unit is particle board.

Hey, check it out. He's got an accordion.

You know, Riley, I was thinking.

If you wanna keep your apartment, you go right ahead.

(playing romantic music)

Thanks, babe. Maybe I should.

Why?!

Because, maybe I'll need it, you know?

Just in case.

In case what?

Well, in case you get tired of me someday.

Then I'll need a place to go.

Is that the reason?

I guess I kind of kept it as a life raft.

Oh, honey, you don't need a life raft.

I'm your loveboat forever.

(holds one chord)

Josh, cut it out!

Sorry.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

I need to use the rest room.

I told you to go before we broke in.

So you're saying you and me

are the real deal, babe?

Honey, I burgled an apartment for you.

If that ain't love...

(toilet flushes)

Hurry up, Josh!

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, check it out.

Roadhouse, the director's cut.

9 deleted scenes of chairs breaking.

Drop my Swayze, little man.

I can't believe you got out of there alive.

Well, once she released me from the half nelson

and I explained everything,

she turned out to be pretty understanding.

Why is her place so messy?

Well, actually, Terry's never there.

She's a long‐distance trucker. She owns her own rig.

(knock on door)

Oh. Come on in!

Hidey‐ho, Reeves family.

Did you guys know that there's an 18‐wheeler

parked in front of your house?

Oh, ha ha! That's Terry.

We're running some frozen cod up to the poconos.

(truck horn honks)

Highway's a‐callin'.

You know, I dated a trucker once.

To this day, the smell of diesel

reminds me of sweet, sweet Rick.

So when did your brother come out?

This week, in fact. Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Come down to the basement for a minute.

Ok.

Now, this is my stuff.

Oh, you do have a beanbag chair!

Oh, and a bar sign!

Ooh, and a fish on the wall.

That sings.

♪ Back on the river ♪

That's fantastic.

I gave up my apartment, babe.

Oh, you did?

You ain't gettin' rid of me.

We're gonna go now.

Yeah, I'll probably hear about this later.

No, you won't.

(no audio)

So, I think you should really stretch out first before,

and then make sure that you and your partner have no sharp objects.

I think you're gonna find it pretty amazing.

Happy wedding!

Oh, Frannie, this is the best wedding gift ever.

I wanted to register us at Beanbag and Beyond,

but David wouldn't let us.

I hear they're shockingly comfortable.

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute