Original subtitles

ALLISON: Movie. 2 words.

Uh...oh...

Um...

Pulp Fiction?

Yes!

That's 12 for the girls...

And exactly‐‐ hmm‐‐

zero for the boys.

Hee hee hee!

Ok, can we quit? I think we've all established

that Riley and I don't make a good team.

Joshua!

Never say die, man!

Look me in the eye. Let's focus.

Come on!

I'm so uncomfortable.

Let's do this!

You got it, buddy. Come on.

Any day, De Niro.

Ok, this one's in the bag.

That's the attitude.

You can do it!

A singer.

A rapper!

Eating.

An eating rapper!

The world's hungriest rapper! Hungry D!

Snack doggie dogg! Time!

It was Eminem!

I was eating M&Ms!

It was so obvious!

Usually, I kick butt at this game.

Joshua, there's no "I" in charades, buddy.

Look, you're both good. You just need to try more.

No, thanks. I think family game night is over for me.

Maybe I'll go see a movie.

Oh, Riley,

don't you wanna go see a movie with Josh?

I think Josh and I have spent enough quality time for one evening.

Well, my attempt to get my 2 fellas together tonight really...

Fish?

Goldfish?

Baby?

Sucked!

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Man, there's nothing in these want ads

for someone with my qualifications.

Hmm. Here's one.

"Seeking med school dropout.

Mental instability a plus." Hey!

You've developed quite a sense of humor.

Too bad that's all you've developed.

Allison, don't listen to him.

You're like me.

When I finished high school,

that's when these popped out.

Come to think of it,

that's when he popped out.

Maybe I'll just go back to school

and get a whole new degree.

It's like you always say, Mom‐‐

when you fall off a horse, you get right back on.

Yeah, but medical school wasn't like a horse.

It was more like a girl‐‐ a girl who dumped you.

And now you're on the rebound.

You don't want to jump into bed

with the first pretty school that comes along.

Ok, for the record, I broke up with med school.

She did not break up with me.

What a killer day.

Oh, there's my big, sweet, strong workingman.

Josh, they're makin' out!

Please. They kiss so much, they'd have to get naked for me to notice.

Please don't.

I'm sorry I'm late again, babe.

This remodel is a bear.

My suppliers are screwing me around,

I'm totally short‐handed.

Hey! You know what I'm thinking?

Josh needs a job.

Josh should go work for you!

Uh, mom, I don't think that's such a good idea.

Yeah, Fran‐‐

It's perfect! It's perfect!

Josh, you could be outdoors getting all kinds of exercise.

Wouldn't you like to have muscles like Riley?

I have muscles.

They're just... The inside kind.

Well, those are useful, too, right, Ri?

Yeah, Fran, but‐‐

And you know, it would be so great.

You could get to know each other better, really bond.

That would make me so happy,

not that my happiness has anything to do with it.

This all sounds great, Mom, except that I'm not doing it.

Ha! Try can't do it.

What does that mean?

It's manual labor, Josh.

You need to lie down after you make toast.

Well, you know, maybe she's right.

Maybe you're just not construction material.

So you think I can't handle it.

Well, listen, it's not a bad thing.

We all understand.

So you all think I can't do it.

I never said that.

I never said anything.

Honey, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not ashamed. In fact,

I'll start tomorrow.

Well, I'm certainly not going to stop you.

Far be it for me to interfere.

What time does he start?

Well, I leave at 7:30, but can we‐‐

Oh, sweetie, thank you, Riley.

Oh, my two guys working side by side!

How did she do that?

It's a gift.

Morning!

Morning, sweetie.

You're up nice and early.

I just went to say good‐bye to Josh

in case he never makes it back alive.

Stop it. What's the worst that'll happen,

his new jeans are gonna chafe him to death?

Good morning, everyone.

Look at you, all bright and ready to go to work!

Well, I thought about it a lot last night,

and I am looking forward to the challenge.

And it'll maybe give me and Riley a chance

to get to know each other like you want.

Do you smell that? (sniffs) Bacon?

Fear.

Please. I can handle construction.

It's not like I never built anything before.

Not the spice rack again.

It was a lazy susan.

By the way, whatever happened to that?

Uh...it's not important.

Looks like a good day to shingle a roof. You ready, Joshua?

Born ready.

Oh, aren't you all Riles the smiles this morning?

Well, I was in the shower, and I got to thinking about Joshua.

We really do need each other.

This could work out for the both of us.

Isn't that wonderful?

Yes, it is.

Don't think about me in the shower.

Would you look at my two workingmen?

Well, one workingman,

and one little Bob the Builder.

I am just about the proudest

mother‐slash‐lover in town!

All right. Let's do this.

Let's do it!

Damn, these jeans are like a thousand little knives!

Josh.

Couple things‐‐ keep your hat on...

Break time's 10:30,

and about the guys, well...

They're guys, you know?

Don't you worry about me.

I am no stranger to manual labor.

In college, I helped paint the flats

for our production of My Fair Lady.

Yeah, which is why I suggest you sorta keep a low profile.

And it turns out it wasn't a baby at all.

It was a 9‐pound, 11‐ounce cyst.

Aw! That's disgusting!

Well, you guys seem to be getting along.

Yeah, it's like having a bunch of brothers.

Really flatulent brothers.

That's great. Got a second?

Sure thing, chief.

You don't have to call me chief.

Good enough.

Josh, I'm glad you're fitting in,

but maybe there should be a little less story‐telling

and a little more working?

Gotcha, chief.

Oh‐‐ skipper.

Cap'n?

Guv'nor?

It's from My Fair Lady.

I figured that.

Come on, guys. Time is money. Let's go. Come on.

Whoa, time‐out! Sweet meat at 10:00!

Oh, sweet meat! I love it!

Shake it, baby. Whoo!

Hey, baby, up here!

Shake those things!

FRAN: Joshie!

Oh God.

You forgot your lunchie!

Come on, baby! Yeah!

Shut up, guys. It's my mom.

You havin' fun up there, Joshie?

You told your mom to shake those things?

Shut up, Frank!

Mom, what are you doing here?

You forgot your BLT sandwich.

And I put in those animal crackers that you love.

Don't worry. I took out all the lions.

I was 3.

You were 13.

Frannie, what are you doing here?

Hi, sweetie.

I wanted to come and see how you guys were doing.

Good, huh?

Well, the day started off a little slow,

but I'm sure it'll all work out fine.

Oh, I'm so glad. I knew you guys would get along like gangbusters.

All you needed was a little nudge.

Here, I brought you some coffee

and a bag of cookies.

These are all lions. Shh. Don't let Josh see.

Oh, honey, you should have seen them on that job site today.

I only hope that someday you know the joy

of having a son and a boyfriend the same age

working happily together.

We're back! Back from the job.

And you are looking at someone

who stared a challenge square in the eye

and the challenge... Blinked.

I'm gonna go upstairs and scrape off some of the work site.

I better go hide my loofah.

Well, sweetie,

I'm not gonna say I told ya so,

so I guess I'll just say

I was 100% right.

What?

He was a disaster.

I hate to say it, but he was.

He's just not cut out for this line of work.

Oh, sweetie, can't you just find him another department?

It's a roof, Fran, not Bloomingdale's.

I'm sorry. I really wanted this to work out,

but he's gotta go.

Oh, Riley, please just give him another chance.

Just grabbin' a cold one.

Whew!

Yeah.

That's the stuff.

(whistling I've Been Working On The Railroad)

Oh, he's so happy,

and he saluted you.

He's never saluted you before.

Oh, Riley, you can't fire him.

No, you're right. I can't.

Because I didn't actually hire him.

So I think you should do it.

Do what? Fire him.

Fire who? Josh.

What about him?

Good night, Francine.

Ohhh!

Boy, this whole thing really bit me in the ass.

Josh, you know that we love you,

but Riley is downsizing.

It's nothing personal, but he has to let you go.

Eh, too soft.

Lower the boom. Get outta the room.

You're right. You're right. It's like waxing.

Ya gotta grip it and rip it.

Say, maybe I should get my Vietnamese lady to fire him.

(gasps) I could do it! I could do it easy!

Please let me do it?

I'm doin' it.

Well, I guess the people who thought I wouldn't last more than a day

are feeling pretty stupid right now.

Oh, oh, please, please, please.

I will do dishes for a year!

Allison, go to school! It's Sunday.

Go to church! We're Jewish.

Convert!

Ah, man!

Uh, Josh‐‐

Oh, mom, I forgot to tell you what happened.

Frank locked me in a port‐a‐potty

and then lifted it with a forklift.

Oh, no! And you're so claustrophobic!

And I'm not really big on sloshing sounds, either,

so he really got me.

They sound horrible!

Sweetie, if you wanted to quit, I would totally‐‐

are you kidding me? They hazed me, and I survived!

They do it to all the guys. I'm in now.

Oh, that's great.

And I'm finally starting to get along with Riley

just like you wanted.

That's wonderful, Josh,

but come here and sit down a minute.

You know, the thing is,

I don't really think it's going to...

What are you giving me the big brown eyes for?

What are you talking about?

Eh... I'm not talking about nothin'.

So, port‐a‐potty, huh? Ha ha ha ha!

That is so Jackass!

Come here. Ha ha ha!

Aw, don't take it too hard, Josh.

I'm just as broken up about it as you are.

Broken up about what?

Uh... about working on Sunday!

I'm warming up the truck, R‐dog!

Can I drive?

No! Good enough!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just‐‐ I've never fired a member of my family before.

Except, of course, his father,

and that's how I got this beautiful house.

So I guess I'm gonna have to fire him?

Oh, sweetie, I just wanted everybody to get along.

I wanted you to be happy.

Well, I'm not.

(imitating Fran) Not that my happiness

has anything to do with it.

I sound nothing like that!

Now, there's a right way and a wrong way to do this.

Who here lifts like this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's goin' on, buddy?

I'm giving a lift lesson.

So you're not actually working.

Oh, no, this is a demonstration bucket.

Can I talk to you? Privately.

Sure thing.

Look, Josh, being the boss is hard,

and sometimes you gotta do things you don't want to do‐‐

like letting somebody go.

I think I know where this is going.

Say no more.

Oh, great, thanks.

God, you don't know how hard this is for me.

I understand. Frank, you're fired!

What'd I do?

No, no, no, Frank. You're fine.

What are you doing? I don't wanna fire Frank!

Oh! Thank god. That Frank‐‐

I know. Port‐a‐potty. Forklift.

Just get back to work.

Well, actually, the forklift was yesterday.

Today he nail‐gunned my shoes.

These guys are real characters!

Mom, are monkeys flying out of my butt?

I don't think so, dear.

Why?

I see Josh and Riley coming up the walk together

with their arms around each other.

Oh, that's great! We're a family!

How are my two hard hats‐‐

What happened?

I was hit by a flying belt sander.

Oh, no!

It hit you there?

Nope. It hit me in the shoulder.

Then I spilled my coffee.

Oh, my god!

You spilled your coffee there?

No. I spilled my coffee on my hand.

Then I dropped my hammer.

Oh, my god!

Wait a minute‐‐ how much further does this thing go?

The hammer stops here.

Well, whose fault was it?

It's no one person's fault.

Hey, we can stand here and point fingers all day...

Josh! You dropped the belt sander that spilled the coffee

that dropped the hammer that hit him in the matzohs?

What are you, nuts?!

Mom, it's a construction site.

Accidents happen.

Not accidents like this.

Sorry, I gotta blame Riley here.

You don't put a deadly weapon in the hands of a chimp.

Allison, you wanna be useful? Go get some ice.

And pour an apple martini over it. I need something!

Look, Riles, I'm gonna make it up to ya.

I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna keep things moving, chief!

No, no, no, don't! Please don't!

Hey, man. I am no quitter.

Yes, he is.

Yes, he is!

He quit little league.

He quit computer camp.

He quit med school!

How can he quit quitting now?!

Sweetie, I wasn't kidding about the martini!

Ok, sweetie.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

(Swedish accent) You like it when I play nurse Inga.

Hon, I gotta tell you,

I tried to fire Josh today,

but I couldn't do it either.

Oh, I know. It's those Bambi eyes.

No. He was just dense.

Babe, I love him like a brother,

but when we work together,

I wanna kill him like a brother.

Then we're one big happy family!

Fran...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I feel like I'm somewhat responsible for all this.

All right, what's your point?

I know you want Josh and me to get along,

but it's gotta happen naturally.

You're right, you're right. I was rushing things.

It's just that I want‐‐

Everyone to get along. I know.

So what are we gonna do?

I will take care of Joshie, I promise.

But...

(Swedish accent) Nurse Inga has flown in

all da way from da Netherlands,

and it would be such a shame to send her home.

Ja?

Ja!

Naw!

Aww!

Whoo‐hoo! Hot potato at 6:00!

Whoo! Yeah!

FRAN: Joshie!

Damn these safety goggles!

FRAN: I'm comin' up.

Why?

Did you just call your mama a hot potato?

You got issues.

Yeah, thanks, Frank.

Thank you. Hey, you guys.

I put some donuts on the front seat of my car.

Oh! Oh!

What are you doing here?

We have to talk.

About what?

Ok, Josh...

You remember that time in eighth grade

when they picked you to play Kenickie in Grease?

Yeah.

And remember when Beth Rinehart invited you to the prom

instead of Eugene Laufenberg?

We dirty‐danced.

And remember when you were your class valedictorian?

Special tassel.

Well, hang on to those happy memories, son. You're fired.

What?

Yep. It's the good with the bad,

that's life. Grip it and rip it. You're through.

Thank God.

Oh, Josh, I'm here for you‐‐

What?

Well, Mom, as much as I get along with Frank and the guys,

I'm kinda bored.

Hammer, nail, hammer...nail.

Ha. I get it.

And mostly I was just doing this for you.

I know how much you wanted me and Riley to bond.

Oh, you did it for me?

Well, yeah. And I'm trying, you know?

And between you and me, I can pretty much deal with Riley at home,

but when you work with the guy, he's like, "do this" and "do that."

You don't find that sexy?

Not so much.

Well, let's get off this roof.

It's hell on my hair.

You know, I really am gonna miss these guys.

GUYS: Whoo, swing it!

Shake it, foxy mama!

I tell ya, I think I'm gonna miss 'em a little myself.

(laughing)

No, no. It actually started when I tripped over a bucket of nails

which made me drop the belt sander...

Which hit me in the shoulder and made me spill my coffee.

Which made you drop your hammer.

Which hit me... You know where.

Wieners. Cheese balls.

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute