Original subtitles

(Fran, on tape) Quiet, everyone.

It's time for my Bar Mitzvah boy Josh to make his speech.

(Josh, on tape) Today is a (clears throat) is a very special‐‐(static)

ANNOUNCER: We're converting a 19th‐century barn

into a modern office on American Restoration.

Dude, this is a really good one.

You taped over my Bar Mitzvah?

Joshua, not to worry.

When I moved in with your mom,

I put all the family vids on dvd,

and then I built a custom shelf.

Well, I guess that makes sleeping with my mom ok.

Sorry. Still adjusting.

Hi.

Allison.

Just a thought.

Little too short to be seen in public.

Josh...

Right back at ya.

You know, things have changed since you've been gone.

I kinda do what I want around here, so back off.

Ok, everyone, I'm makin' dinner tonight.

Who's stayin' home to eat?

We'll order one more fried rice, please.

Excuse me, but did you know that your daughter is wearing a thong?

So? So am I.

Riley, you want to weigh in here?

Boxers.

(car horn honks) That's Kurt.

Oh, honey, wait a minute.

This is a new relationship.

Make him wait 2, 3 minutes at least.

Babe, you didn't do that when we were dating, did you?

No. Ho ho ho.

(whispers) 5.

(honk honk)

So, this guy's not coming in?

No! No!

Nobody does that anymore.

We should meet Allison's date, don't you think, Riley?

Josh, in a no‐fly zone, buddy.

Ali's in your mom's airspace.

Oh, sweetie, I love it when you get all Top Gun on me.

(honk)

What's he got to catch, a plane?

That's Kurt

in the Escalade with the tinted windows?

That's like a motel room with... tinted windows.

Come on in!

Allison wants us to meet you.

Josh! Josh!

What? He's comin' in.

Damn.

Allison, language.

Crap.

Ahem!

What?

Crap's ok.

Oh, yeah, crap's ok. Crap's ok.

Hi.

Oh, hi. How are you, Kurt?

Hi, Mrs. Reeves. Mr. Reeves.

Uh, that's not Mr. Reeves.

That's... something new.

And I'm Allison's older brother Josh.

Let's go, Kurt.

Good‐bye, guys!

Have fun and be safe

in your Escalade. (chuckles)

You know, the backseats on those fold down completely flat.

Oh, stop it, Josh.

Mom, guys who drive cars like that are called players,

and they're only interested in one thing.

Actually, Josh, it's "playahs."

It's street.

Oh, ok. Well, I don't care what you call them.

Did you see how handsy Allison was with that guy?

She was all down in his pocket.

And you're all up in my grill.

That's street, too.

Look, Mom, now that I'm home,

I think I can help out with Allison.

I'm her older brother, and I should have a little say.

And you can have a little say. When?

When you push a baby through your vagina.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicated ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Do you know what time Allison came home last night?

I don't need to.

Do you know if she even came home?

Of course, she came home. Don't be ridiculous.

Allison, breakfast!

ALLISON: Not hungry!

Oh, thank god.

You see?

What happened to the mom who didn't trust a teenager?

You used to search my room once a week.

Well, I had to. You kept "borrowing" my lingerie catalogues.

Great toast.

Butter...

Who would have thought of it?

He pays rent.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Go ahead. I like a little soft porn with my Lucky Charms.

Ok, I'm off to my appointment.

♪ Love you ♪

Love you, too. Love you, too.

Look, Riley, I know we're not exactly best buds...

Yet.

Yes, yet, but...

Um, I need you to have my back with this Allison thing.

I mean, we both know

mom is way too trusting with this Kurt guy,

and you know what guys are like.

I mean, how old were you when you first did it?

Hmm...14.

Exactly. See, you‐‐

14?

I was mowin' this lady's lawn.

She invited me in for lemonade.

Heh! Well, we've all been there.

Why? How old were you?

Right around there, but the point is

that you understand that Mom's completely blind‐‐14?

Look, man‐to‐man,

I agree with you about Allison, ok?

So say something.

You have an obligation. You're...

Family now.

Joshua, you do accept me.

That means a lot to me, man.

I'm learning to accept you,

and this is for Allison's sake.

Are you...flexing?

No.

So, when do we talk to her?

Look, I may agree with you,

but I have to respect your mom's judgment on this.

(chortles)

Ftippp!

Ftippp!

Ftippp!

What are you doing?

It's a whip. (chuckles)

Because my mom's got you whipped... Like a sissy.

You're hitting another man with a tiny, invisible whip.

And I'm the sissy.

ANNOUNCER: Today at 4:00‐‐ teen pregnancy on the rise.

WOMAN: I just thought I could be her friend

and her mother, Dr. Tom.

DR.TOM: Well, there's a word for moms like you:

Grandma!

Oh, my god!

You were so totally right about Rachel.

Her nose is completely different.

I was standing next to her in the bathroom.

She was putting on her lip‐‐

What?

Uh, Allison, come sit down here a minute.

I want to talk to you.

Heh...ahem.

You see, honey, it's like this‐‐

Is this a sex talk?

Well, how could you possibly know that?

You're eating a scented candle.

Oh.

Eh‐heh.

Mom, we had the sex talk when I was 12.

Yeah, that was the "how and what."

This is the "who and when."

Sweetie, you're my daughter,

but you're also my friend.

You're like my best friend,

but you're also like my daughter.

I am your daughter.

So you see my problem.

Mom, let me make this easy for you.

I'm not having sex.

Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

Mom, I'd never do anything big like that without telling you.

Did you say "telling" or "asking?"

"Telling."

Did you say "before" or "after"? Mom!

Ok. Ok, ok.

So, Courtney got a nose job.

Rachel.

Oh, who cares? My daughter's still a virgin.

Josh!

Jeez, Mom, you scared the hell out of me.

Well, good. What are you doing in Allison's bedroom?

I'm just adding some web sites to her favorites list

as a helpful reminder.

Mm‐hmm.

"Abstinence made easy.

Pregnantattheprom.com"

And, look, an STD screen saver

with Harry the Dancing Herpe.

Oh, my god, he looks like a Mr. Peanut with that hat and cane.

You know, Allison and I have a great relationship, Josh.

If she needs to talk to me about anything,

she knows she can come to me.

I don't know, mom. I think you're kidding yourself a little bit.

Things have changed a lot since back when you were a teenager.

Oh, yeah, we were all so busy cheering on the Wright Brothers.

Now, would you get outta here?

All right, all right.

Let me just get out of this‐‐

huh.

What?

What is it?

No! I don't want know!

A lot of e‐mails from Kurt.

I'm not listening. Now, go.

All right.

Yeah. Well...

Yenta.

(computer) You've got mail.

No. I shouldn't. I shouldn't. I shouldn't.

Just...

How do you just turn this thing off here?

Oh, hi, sweetie.

What are you doing, Mom?

I was just trying to shut down your computer.

Uh‐huh.

What? You don't believe me?

No.

Oh, come on.

You think that I'm interested

in reading your e‐mails from Kurt?

Yes!

Allie! Allison!

(computer) You've got mail.

Oh, stuff it!

Allison, please! You have to believe me!

Or at least talk to me!

Why, so you can smell my breath?

(exhales)

No! I told you, it was Josh.

I was shutting down your computer.

Oh, come on!

Hey, it's Saturday night.

The mall's open late.

You wanna go buy things with me at the mall?

No, thank you.

Oh, Allison.

Say you believe me.

Fine. I believe you.

I don't believe you.

(knock on door)

Hi. Oh, it's Kurt!

Yeah. I invited him over if that's ok.

Hey, Ms. Reeves. Hi.

We're gonna go do homework upstairs.

That is if you're done tossing my cell.

Oh, my Allie is such a little kidder.

Say, did she ever tell you about the time she went to camp‐‐

(door shuts) Fine.

We don't need to hear the end of that story, I guess.

Babe, don't worry about Allison.

You need to just relax.

(mumbling indistinctly)

I know, I know. You told me.

Don't you think you're making too big a deal out of this?

Sweetie, you don't understand about teenage girls.

I mean, if they turn off to you at 15,

you're never gonna hear from them again until they're 25,

unless of course they need to borrow money.

Franny, you need to calm down.

(groans) I think I can help you.

Oh, I just have so much on my mind.

Oh, that feels delicious.

JOSH (knocking): Mom, it's me.

Of course it is.

Are you decent?

FRAN: Unfortunately.

So, I just talked to Alli‐‐

Ooh. Ooh. Uh,

what are you‐‐ what are you doing?

We're in bed, Josh.

Oh. Right.

Uh, guess I'm gonna have to get used to seeing this.

No, you don't.

'Cause hopefully you're not gonna be coming in here that often.

What's up?

Look, I can't sleep.

Allison's room is across the hall from mine,

and she's in there listening to loud music with Kurt.

You know, the boy with the 4‐wheel drive motel room?

Did you know Kurt was in her room?

Yes, I did.

Did you know that the door was closed?

Yes, I did.

All the way closed?

All the way.

Sleep well...

Riley.

What did he mean by that?

He wanted me to sleep well.

Well, anyway, where were we?

Oh, yeah. You had your lips right on my neck.

Mmm... Mmm.

Ohh!

What's the matter?

Why'd you stop?

Oh, is it my turn already?

Look, babe, your daughter is 15 years old.

She has a boy in her bedroom with the door closed.

They could be doing something dicey.

Well, sweetie, I know my daughter.

I mean, I have to trust her.

Come on, babe, you never lied to your parents about sex?

Are you kidding? I still do.

So you see where I'm coming from.

Yeah, but my mother would believe anything.

I mean, one time I came home from a date without a bra,

and I told her that I used it to put out 2 tiny fires.

She bought that?

She hugged me and said, "Thank God you're alive."

Yeah, you know, I could get away with murder

because she trusted me so complete...ly.

Mmm.

You know, Riley,

I'm in the mood for kugel.

You want some kugel?

Mmm, kugel.

Is that that thing we did in the hot tub?

It's a casserole, but hold that thought.

We'll kugel in the hot tub later.

(whispers) Oh, shut up!

The thing is, why is there no talking in there now?

(ripping)

That sounded like a zipper.

No. Maybe it was velcro, like for a book bag.

Or velcro pants.

Who wears velcro pants?

Playahs.

That's enough!

Now, go to your bed. (chuckles)

Mom, I'm 21 years old.

You can't tell me to‐‐ Go!

Psst!

They're not answering because they're putting their clothes back on.

Now, cut that out!

Aha!

Boy, they got dressed fast.

Mom, what are you doing?

I was worried that you were studying too hard?

Right. So that's why you burst into my room?

Oh, "burst" is such a strong word, really.

Maybe I should go now.

I don't blame you. I'll walk you out.

And, mom, you can send your little monkey

to keep an eye on me if you want.

Hey!

You want me to?

A week ago, I was my daughter's best friend.

Now she likes me about as much as she likes you.

They really do make velcro pants.

You know, when she's done saying goodnight to Kurt,

I am going to sit that girl down

and have a serious talk with her.

Not gonna happen, Ms. R.

Why is that, Duane?

She drove off in the Escalade

with the really tinted windows.

Oh, my god!

No. She looked happy.

Do you know what a young girl might do

to spite her mother?

Of course you do. You need guys to do it with!

Babe, I'm gonna get my keys.

We're gonna go after them, and we're gonna find them.

Oh, great. Why don't we just all load into the Scooby van

and chase after her?

I'm sure she'd be thrilled with that.

What do you want me to do, Mom?

Do you really want me to tell you?

DUANE: Wait.

You guys got a Scooby van?

♪ No attorneys ♪

♪ To plead my case ♪

♪ No orbits ♪

♪ To send me into outer space ♪

♪ And my fingers ♪

♪ Are bejeweled ♪

♪ With diamonds and gold ♪

♪ But that ain't gonna help me now ♪

♪ I'm in trouble ♪

♪ Yeah, trouble, y'all ♪

♪ I got trouble in my town ♪

♪ I'm in trouble ♪

♪ Yeah, trouble, now ♪

♪ I'm in trouble, y'all ♪

♪ I got trouble in my town ♪

♪ Yeah, trouble ♪

Mom! I'm awake!

Want something to eat?

Uh, I'm good.

I'm good.

Uh, sweetie,

I just want you to know that whatever happened tonight,

you can talk to me about it,

and I'm not gonna be upset.

I won't be angry.

I'm not gonna get hysterical.

Ok.

Kurt and I... No more! I can't take it!

Went to a movie.

That's it?

No sex?

No. Are you kidding?

Who'd be so stupid they'd lose their virginity

just 'cause they're mad at their mom?

Well, I wasn't just mad.

I was a little drunk, too.

Oh, sweetie, I gotta admit,

I didn't trust you, and I'm so sorry.

Mom. It's just that you're so good.

You don't deserve that.

Mom. No, really, sweetie.

You're the best daughter any mother could hope for.

I used to lie to my mother constantly.

I feel so guilty, so horrible!

Mom! What?

Last summer when I went away for that weekend with Kim,

it wasn't with her parents.

It was with her sisters and their boyfriends,

and I had beer. (gasps)

You did that to me?

Yeah. I totally snowed you

and lied my ass off about it.

So I was right not to trust you.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you!

And if it makes you feel any better,

that time that I said I was volunteering‐‐

uh, know when to leave the fair, sweetie.

Right.

Oh, good, she's home.

Now we can all talk.

It's ok, Josh. I'm handling it.

Well, I think I can help you handle it a little better.

Oh.

All right, then. (chuckles)

Allison was just saying that, uh,

she was thinking about doing it,

and she had questions about, oh, positions,

personal hygiene, uh,

is it gonna be painful...

And about condoms.

Is ribbed really for my pleasure?

Know what? Gonna let Mom field this one,

but any time you need me for anything at all,

ok, you just call me.

Nice one, but...

How do you know about ribbed condoms?

I saw a box.

You know what? You stay out of my room,

and I'll stay out of yours.

You know, you were pretty sexy tonight

when you were being all parental.

Oh, really?

Mmm...

There's nothing sexier to a single mom

than when her dude decides to lay down some rules for the kids.

Oh, really?

Mmm...

JOSH (knocking): Hey, Mom,

I was wondering if I could‐‐

Nope! Go to bed, Joshua!

We'll talk in the morning!

How was that?

Hit the lights, and I'll show ya.

♪♪♪

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute