Original subtitles

Hello, all.

Hi, Josh. How was work today?

Oh, I just love saying "Josh" and "work" in the same sentence.

Well, today,

I cashed my first paycheck from the Video King.

Oh, Joshie, I am so proud of you.

I mean, who would have thought that quitting medical school

and working in a video store would, uh‐‐

would, uh...

Help me out here.

Be so great.

Congratulations, Josh.

Yeah.

That was from your mother.

Let's never speak of this again.

Hey, what's this? France: Bring It On.

Going to a cheerleading competition on the riviera?

Mom wants to go backpacking through Europe.

She calls it a family vacation.

We call it the long and whining road.

You know, I have been dreaming about this trip since high school,

so don't even bother trying to talk me out of it.

Besides, what's the matter?

You don't think that I'm capable of roughing it?

ALL: No.

Well, I'll have you know

that I have roughed it plenty of times.

One time, me and my girlfriends went camping.

We were out under the stars,

singing songs, and roasting marshmallows.

Then it got too cold, so we went back in the house

and practiced French kissing on our arms.

(doorbell rings)

Oh! Allison, the door.

Why? Just because I'm the youngest?

Yeah.

Surprise!

Dad?!

Ted?! Dad? Fran?

No, I think you're supposed to say, "Ted?"

♪ And I ♪

♪ Feel beautiful right now ♪

♪ For the first time in a long time ♪

♪ I'm letting my hair down ♪

♪ And life ♪

♪ Gets better every day ♪

♪ Though it seems so complicaTed ♪

♪ We're gonna work it out ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

Funny. The doormat said "Welcome."

Hi, Daddy!

Oh, there's my beautiful girl.

Sorry we're so shocked.

We're just not used to seeing you at the house.

Well, the last time I was here,

I was picking my clothes out of the bushes.

Took that as a sign I might not be wanted.

Well...

You're looking as Fran‐tastic as usual.

Gee, Ted,

how come you didn't have this sense of humor when we were married?

Oh, yeah. You did!

Why don't you say hello to your dad?

I don't see you in months,

and that's all I get, the chin?

Gee, Dad, what did you expect?

A hug and a thank you for insisting that I go to medical school

and then cutting me off when I got thrown out?

Well, I guess when he puts it that way,

the chin is better than what he could be giving you.

Uh, Ted, I'd like you to meet Riley.

Riley, this is my ex Ted.

Nice to meet you, Ted.

Hey, Riley.

(chuckles) Can't believe it, Fran.

We split up, and you go out and find yourself

a guy that looks just like me.

(forced laugh) What are you doing here, Ted?

I'm broke. I need a place to stay.

Ran into a little malpractice problem.

You know, those kidneys

really ought to come labeled left and right.

I'm gonna go before he tells the one

about Urethra Franklin.

Hey, Josh got a job.

Is that right? Well, good for you.

Yeah. Good for me. I did get a job.

But, hey, don't change your opinion about me.

It's at a video store working for minimum wage,

and I'm still a med school dropout

living at home with my mom.

If you throw in "virgin," you have your e‐date profile.

Can I get you a drink, Ted?

Uh, no, thank you.

I dropped by because I was hoping

Josh and I could maybe slip out for a beer,

maybe see if there's any chance

of some father/son relationship.

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Josh. I'll give you a ride in the Porsche,

buy you a steak.

Careful. That's how I got pregnant with you.

Why don't you just go, sweetie?

OK. I'll go get my coat.

And, Allison,

why don't you and I go out tomorrow, hmm?

Catch up...

At Macy's?

Oh, I love my daddy!

So, Ted, are you here alone,

or did you bring Slutty McTartstein?

(laughs)

Sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

No, Tiffany's not with me.

She's at a self‐actualization retreat in Yosemite.

Oh, so you're paying 2,000 bucks

to have her hug a tree and poop in a hole.

3,000.

OK. Let's go.

All right. Well, see you later.

Do you want to drive the Porsche?

Sure. This'll be fun.

I've never driven a stick before.

(door closes) So that was Ted.

After the way you described him,

I didn't expect him to be so charming.

Well, what were you expecting,

a black cape and his own theme music?

Trust me, the man is evil.

You have no idea the kind of hell

he put me through when we were married.

Do you know that he was my Lamaze coach

and he was flirting with the nurse the whole time?

(imitating Ted) "Breathe. Breathe. Do you like jazz?

Breathe."

Hello! We're back!

Oh! Hey, you guys.

Whoo! That was something.

Josh, you must be in some kinda shape.

I was surprised at how high your score was.

Oh, don't worry. You'll be up there with me someday.

What were you guys doing?

Blood pressure machine at the mall.

Which reminds me, I better take my pill.

I'm gonna grab a glass of water.

So, uh, what's the story?

You're getting along, huh?

Oh, mom, you wouldn't believe it.

I told him I didn't see myself ever going back to medical school,

and he said, "Fine. Whatever you want."

He told me he would support anything that I wanted to do.

Oh, uh, watch this.

Hey, uh, Dad,

I was thinking of becoming an aroma‐therapist.

(glass breaks)

TED: Great!

See?

Sorry about the glass.

Oh, that's ok. It was a wedding gift.

Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late.

I'm on the inside track for employee of the month.

Akmed is going down.

(door closes)

So, Riley,

Allison tells me you're a contractor.

Oh, he's a fantastic contractor.

He's the president of his own contracting corporation.

Not much of a corporation.

My vice president's my truck.

But I do all right.

Well, you know, I am knee‐deep

in a new medical complex we're building

up in Ithaca right now.

I just had to fire my contractor.

I need someone who can jump on and stay with the project.

So tell me about your fee structure.

It's materials plus 15%.

That sounds fair enough.

So, uh, you think you might be interested?

Sure. I'll hop in my vice president tomorrow

and check out the site.

Wait a minute here.

There's about a million other things to consider,

and they're all me.

Of course I wouldn't want you to do anything

without thinking about it first.

FRAN: Thank you.

And what better place to do that

than courtside at tonight's Knicks game?

What do you say?

Courtside seats?

Of course, if you can't make it,

I'll have to donate these to some needy kids,

and I hate to do that.

I'm there. Just give me five minutes to change.

Ok, Ted, now we're alone. What are you up to?

What do you mean?

Oh, come on. We were married for 20 years.

I smell something,

and it ain't just the stench of your dandruff shampoo.

What's wrong with offering Riley 3 or 4 months' work?

3 or 4 months?

We're supposed to be going to Europe.

Oh, that's right.

Allison might have mentioned something about that.

Oops. I'm afraid I put my foot in it.

Yeah, and I know just where I want to put my foot.

Riley?

Hey.

Have you seen my lucky Knicks jersey?

Uh, look under your lucky cargo pants.

The ones you were wearing the day you met me.

Oh, you mean my super lucky cargo pants.

Sweetie, Ted said that this job

is gonna be like a 3‐4 month job.

What is gonna happen with our backpacking through Europe?

We'll go after that.

I don't want to go after that.

I couldn't go 20 years ago because Ted got me pregnant,

and‐‐and now he's screwing me again.

It's just 4 months.

I divorced him to get him out of my life.

Now what, you're becoming, like, good friends?

Don't worry, Fran.

I keep my personal and my professional relationships separate.

We met working!

Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna fall in love with Ted.

Well, if you love me,

then you'll respect my feelings.

And I'm asking you not to take this job, OK?

Sweetie. Honey.

Hello?

It's a pretty awesome gig, Fran.

He could make my business.

And make me miserable,

which is exactly what he wants.

He is manipulating us. He manipulates everyone.

Aren't you being a little paranoid, Fran?

No. He is evil!

Why can't anyone see this but me?

You know, I feel like the kid in the sixth sense,

only instead of seeing dead people,

I see people I wish were dead.

That's it. I am getting him out of my house for good.

He's here to see his kids.

I don't care. It's my house, and I make the rules...

And he has every legal right to see his children.

Damn! If only once he'd miss the payment.

I'm sorry you'll be unhappy, but I can't pass this up.

How can you take this job when you know how I feel?

How can you ask me not to when you know how I feel?

And how come I can never find

any of my stuff in this damn closet?

Are your clothes eating my clothes?

Oh, honestly.

Here!

Here's your lucky jersey!

Ask your buddy Ted what bush to find it in!

Sweetie, I don't understand what the big deal is.

It would be different if it was my boyfriend

going out with another man,

but this is just Riley working with your ex.

Oh, it's just not natural, I tell you.

I mean, Ted and Riley should be wrestling on the floor,

fighting like gladiators.

I'm listening.

Riley doesn't know Ted the way I know Ted.

If he did, he would never work with him, never.

Well, maybe Ted's changed.

No! You cannot say that.

I invited you here because I wanna be resentful and angry.

Now, you have to jump on the train with me.

Honey, I am the engineer.

All aboard for Bitchville. Toot toot!

You know, he breezes into town,

he makes up with Josh,

he starts buying Allison stuff,

he offers Riley a job‐‐

that bastard.

Toot toot.

Ted has ruined our trip to Europe

because he offered Riley work.

And Frankly, I'm afraid that he's gonna hurt Josh again.

Well, sweetie, Josh is a big boy,

and you can't control what Riley does.

You'll just wind up fighting all the time.

Which is exactly what we're doing,

and that's what Ted wants.

So don't let him get what he wants.

Now, Gregory,

let me just make sure I understand you.

You think I should kill Ted?

That's your call.

But what I am saying is...

I think Ted is still controlling you,

but you can decide to not be controlled.

Mmm! Oh!

You're good.

Ted wants me to be miserable,

but I don't have to be miserable,

and if I'm happy,

then that will make him miserable,

which will make me even happier,

which would make him even‐‐

I get it. I get it.

Another drink, sir?

I can't. I'm driving a train.

Allison.

Allison.

Allison. Ah!

What?

You're supposed to be doing your homework.

I was listening to a book on tape.

Yeah? What book? The, uh...

You know, I don't know what's worse.

That you're lying to me,

or that you can't come up with one stinking book title.

Oh...

I'll do homework when I get back from Dee Dee's.

I want to show her my new MP3 player and my jacket.

I told you not to take advantage of your father.

I am going easy on him.

If I were really taking advantage,

I would be driving to Dee Dee's.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hey. Where have you guys been?

In the Hamptons.

You remember that summer we rented a house on the beach?

Oh, sure.

That was the summer that I got stung by a jellyfish

right on my cheek.

My whole face froze for a week.

They're like nature's botox.

Well, dad is renting it again this summer

so he and I can hang out there.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Anyway, I gotta get ready for work.

I gotta look my best.

It's "Chick Flick Night" tonight‐‐

half off anything with hugh grant

or girls singing into hairbrushes.

So, uh, Tiffany's not gonna mind Josh hanging out with you guys all summer?

Tiffany and I are... splitting.

I caught her cheating on me.

So the homewrecker finds yet another home to wreck.

Well, I think it's great.

You know, some people go their whole lives

never finding what they're really good at.

Go ahead. I deserve it.

I had my mid‐life crisis,

and now I'm reaping what I sowed.

I deserve nothing but pain,

and I'll die alone.

You know, you're really taking the fun out of this for me.

Anyway, you have to come to the hamptons with us.

Oh, no. I'm going to Europe.

You're still going? Without Riley?

Riley's gonna be working with you in Ithaca.

But I'll be in the Hamptons,

and I was really hoping we could all be there together,

you know... as a family.

Ted, we are not a family anymore.

We went to a great deal of trouble to get a divorce.

That's not something you just want to...Throw away.

Fran‐‐Fran, you know what I'm getting at.

Ted, are you coming on to me?

Look, we've both had our little flings.

Riley is not a fling.

You're wasting your life with Riley.

You deserve more.

You're better than you've ever been.

If I am, it's because of Riley.

Fran...

Oh, now I get it!

How could I have not thought of this before?

Tiffany throws you out,

and suddenly, you want your old life back,

and there's nobody here to prove it to.

Oh, why didn't I install that spy cam

when I thought the maid was wearing my shoes?

Fran, you need me.

I don't need you.

I'm not the same woman I was 20 years ago.

Look at your life now.

Riley is a dead end.

And Josh, Josh is turning into a loser

working in a video store.

If I were here, he'd be back in med school where he belongs.

Hey, guys.

Oh, there you are.

What's all this?

They're for our trip.

Sorry I can't take that job, Ted.

We're going to Europe.

We are?!

What changed your mind?

I know how important this trip is,

and I want to share it with you.

Oh, Riley.

Are you still here?

Well, as much as I like to watch my ex‐wife in my ex‐house

about to get x‐rated with her new boyfriend,

I really must be going.

Uh, Josh, look,

I knew I said we were gonna hang out tomorrow‐‐

You don't want to hang out with a loser, I know.

Josh‐‐ Save it, Dad.

And you can forget about the beach house.

Come to think of it,

I never really liked it the first time around.

I don't know what to say.

How about good‐bye?

Right.

Well, we really must do this again sometime.

Not soon.

Josh, do not listen to a word your father said.

You are not a loser.

Mom, I'd love to stand around and talk about this,

but I have to report to my 17‐year‐old manager.

Honey, I have to talk to you right now.

All right. Fine.

Hey, can you cover for me, Akmed?

Excuse me. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Josh, I am so sorry that you were‐‐

come on. Let's go somewhere where we can be private.

Mom...

Josh, I am so sorry that you overheard your father‐‐

Oh! Missionary Impossible.

Wow.

Could we move this along?

The isn't exactly the place

you want to be seen with your mom.

OK. I'll make it fast.

Listen, honey,

you have got to stop letting your father

get to you like this.

How could it not get to me?

I mean, mom, he was right about me being a loser.

Look where we are.

Where we are is a job that you got all by yourself.

Oh! Star Whores,

with Luke Streetwalker and Jabba the Slut.

Yeah. That's misfiled.

That should be in science friction.

Josh, all your life

your father has been controlling you,

and if you believe that you're a loser,

then he's still controlling you.

Trust m. I went through the same thing with him

until I realized that I can't live to please that man.

I have to please myself,

and you have to please yourself.

OK. I hear you,

but can we not talk about pleasing ourselves in this section?

Honey, you are never gonna be happy

unless you stand up to your father.

You mean tell him off? I just did that.

Well, that was fine, but also,

you have to start doing exactly what you want to do.

That'll really piss him off.

You're right, Mom.

OK.

Oh! Gregory!

Oh. Hi, Reeves family. Ha ha.

This is quite embarrassing.

I must have made a wrong turn.

This is clearly the straight porn.

OK. That's everything.

Feels pretty good. I got it.

You sure? Yeah.

FRAN: Maybe we should just go to Bermuda.

Captioned by The National Captioning Institute